Should You Reveal a Family Secret? Plus: How to Break Up With Your Hairdresser

Summary

Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode Title: Should You Reveal a Family Secret? Plus: How to Break Up With Your Hairdresser
Date: October 14, 2025
Host: Lemonada Media

---

Overview

In this episode, happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin and therapist Lori Gottlieb address two compelling listener dilemmas: deciding whether to reveal a longstanding family secret (the origins of a child's conception via egg donation), and the etiquette of ending a long-term relationship with a hairdresser. The pair also discuss issues of family dynamics, give advice on managing in-law guilt, navigate tricky family group chats, and reflect on listener responses around what it means to be on time.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Secrets: Should You Reveal the Truth?

[04:31-14:03]

• Listener Dilemma:
  A listener seeks advice on whether her sister should tell her 14-year-old daughter the truth about her conception via egg donor IVF, as the daughter senses something different and has begun to ask questions. The mother fears damaging the relationship if the truth is revealed.
• Lori and Gretchen’s Position:
  Both argue for openness, emphasizing the psychological harm that secrets can cause when withheld—“Carl Jung called secrets psychic poison” (Lori, 05:31).
  Secrecy is harmful when it withholds essential truth from a person; privacy is different.
• Changing Societal Views:
  Historically, parents were told to keep such origins secret, but modern understanding recognizes the emotional importance of transparency for identity and trust (Gretchen, 06:07).
• Potential Harm in Delay:
  "With a secret, the longer you wait, the more betrayed the person might feel." (Gretchen, 08:13)
  Both caution that secrets tend to come out, especially with modern technology, and that further delay compounds feelings of betrayal and trust loss.
• Lori’s Personal Experience:
  Lori shares that her own son was conceived with donor sperm, and open communication from the beginning was key to family wellbeing (09:56).
  “What we want to say here is, it’s going to positively affect your family.” (Lori, 09:56)
• Advice:
  • Tell the truth to both daughters immediately.
  • Take responsibility and apologize for waiting.
  • Allow space for complex reactions and ongoing conversations.
  • Do not frame the revelation as something to be hidden; encourage open discussion.
  • Meet their reactions with empathy and answer questions honestly.
  • Recognize this as an ongoing process rather than a one-off conversation (Lori, 12:40).
  • "You don’t need to make them feel better… just be truthful and present." (Gretchen, 11:54)

Notable Quotes

• "People have a deep need to know where they come from." — Lori Gottlieb [06:50]
• "Secrets are in the air in a house. People can't necessarily put their finger on it, but something feels off." — Lori Gottlieb [08:53]
• “The time is now.” — Gretchen Rubin [09:33]
• “Secrets want to come out.” — Gretchen Rubin [14:01]

---

2. In-Law Guilt & Family Group Chats: Listener Feedback

[14:27-21:31]

• Listener Responses:
  • In-Law Time (Jenna): Encourage modeling of inclusive family behavior for future generations.
  • Inequity in Family Visits (Victoria): "It doesn't have to be equal to be fair."
  • Family Chat Tensions: Caregivers of elderly parents seek understanding and support from family; the hands-on sibling’s perspective is rarely appreciated, leading to resentment (Anonymous).
• Lori and Gretchen’s Takeaways:
  • Balance and fairness in family relationships look different for everyone.
  • It’s essential to recognize and support caregivers rather than judge their tone or demands.

Notable Quotes

• "Caregivers need caregivers." — Lori Gottlieb [19:21]
• "It doesn't have to be equal to be fair." — Victoria (Listener) [17:04]

---

3. Bad Advice: Don't Share Baby Names!

[19:46-21:31]

• Listeners share regrets about following ill-considered family advice on naming children. Consensus: Leave naming decisions to the parents to avoid disappointment or regret.

Notable Quotes

• “Never tell anybody what names you’re thinking about for your baby.” — Gretchen Rubin [20:55]

---

4. How to Break Up With Your Hairdresser

[25:00-29:27]

• Listener Dilemma:
  Christine describes her close relationship with her hairdresser and growing dissatisfaction due to recent flaky behavior. She wonders whether to raise her concerns or leave without explanation.
• Lori and Gretchen’s Advice:
  • "Notice to Cure": Borrowing a legal concept, Gretchen suggests clearly communicating the problem and offering a chance to improve (27:39).
  • Lead with Curiosity: Lori encourages starting the conversation from a place of curiosity—"Something has changed… can we talk about it?" [28:20]
  • Be specific about issues (missed appointments, lateness, double-bookings).
  • If no improvement is made after the conversation, it’s acceptable to move on without further confrontation—this is not “ghosting” (Gretchen, 29:06).
• Parallel to Therapist Relationships:
  The pair briefly note that people often similarly find it hard to “break up” with a therapist; Lori strongly advocates having a closing conversation for personal growth rather than ghosting (27:06).

Notable Quotes

• "By the way, therapy is the safest place. That's the place where you can say anything you want."—Lori Gottlieb [27:06]
• “If you give this notice to cure, I think you can just walk away. That's not ghosting, right?” — Gretchen Rubin [29:06]

---

5. "Wisdom of Crowds" Poll: What Counts as Being On Time?

[33:33-38:34]

• Listener Poll Results:
  • "On time is on time" wins (55%).
  • 26% say "If you're not 5 minutes early, you're late"; this approach linked to “Lombardi Time,” a reference to football coach Vince Lombardi.
  • 13%: "If you’re five minutes late, you’re on time."
  • 5%: "If you text you're running late, you're on time."
• Community Commentary:
  • Context matters: Social events vs. work-related appointments treated differently.
  • Some people experience “time blindness,” making tardiness an organizational, not moral, failing (Vanessa, 36:49).
  • Compassion is encouraged; don’t always take lateness personally.
• Gretchen’s Time Hacks:
  • Give yourself a window ("I'll be there between 7 and 7:15") to reduce stress related to punctuality.
  • Set your clocks ahead as a classic solution for the chronically late.

Notable Quotes

• “If you’re not five minutes early, you’re late. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, don’t bother showing up.” — Gretchen Rubin on Lombardi Time [35:23]
• “If you are a person who...can get very, very stressed out if I'm even going to be five minutes late, it can help to say, 'I'll be there between 7 and 7:15.'” — Gretchen Rubin [37:40]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | | --- | --- | --- | | 05:31 | “Carl Jung called secrets psychic poison.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 08:13 | “With a secret, the longer you wait, the more betrayed the person might feel.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 09:33 | “The time is now.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 14:01 | “Secrets want to come out.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 17:04 | “It doesn't have to be equal to be fair.” | Victoria (Listener) | | 19:21 | “Caregivers need caregivers.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 20:55 | “Never tell anybody what names you’re thinking about for your baby.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 27:06 | “By the way, therapy is the safest place. That's the place where you can say anything you want.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 29:06 | “If you give this notice to cure, I think you can then just walk away. That's not ghosting, right?” | Gretchen Rubin | | 36:49 | “Me being late has nothing to do with disrespect and everything to do with struggling with time management.” | Vanessa (Listener) | | 37:40 | “If you are a person who...can get very, very stressed out if I'm even going to be five minutes late, it can help to say, 'I'll be there between 7 and 7:15.'” | Gretchen Rubin |

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 04:31 — Family Secret Dilemma: Should you reveal a child’s egg donor origins?
• 14:27 — Listener responses about in-law relationships, guilt, and fair division of time
• 19:46 — Feedback on family chat dynamics and the perspective of primary caregivers
• 20:55 — Cautionary tales about sharing baby names
• 25:00 — Breaking up with your hairdresser: How to approach it thoughtfully
• 33:33 — “Wisdom of Crowds” poll on punctuality: What does being on time mean?
• 37:40 — Time management hacks for the chronically early or late

---

Tone and Style

Lori and Gretchen blend warmth, humor, and empathy throughout the episode, using real-life examples and candid personal stories. They encourage self-compassion, honesty, and context-aware consideration in giving and receiving advice.

---

Summary

This episode offers nuanced advice for difficult interpersonal situations—whether handling a high-stakes family secret or the more mundane, but meaningful, act of ending a loyal business relationship. Through thoughtful discussion and listener contributions, the show models how honesty, specificity, and empathy foster healthier relationships and better outcomes, both at home and in the wider web of social connections. The wisdom from Lori and Gretchen, as well as the “wisdom of crowds,” provides practical, reassuring guidance for everyday dilemmas.

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

There is one thing that every person on Earth has in common. We all move through the world in a human body.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Our bodies ache. They bleed, they desire. They hold the stories of our lives.

[Narrator/Announcer]

International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf, is sharing some of those stories from around the world.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Read them [e-mail] everybody.

[Dr. Elizabeth Poynter]

Welcome to Decoding Women's Health. I'm Dr. Elizabeth Poynter, chair of Women's Health and Gynecology at the Atria Health Institute in New York City. I'll be talking to top researchers and clinicians and bringing vital information about midlife women's health directly to you.

[Gretchen Rubin]

100% of women go through menopause.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Even if it's natural, why should we suffer through it?

[Dr. Elizabeth Poynter]

Listen to Decoding Women's Health with Dr. Elizabeth Poynter wherever you get your podcasts.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Lemonader.

[Christine (Listener)]

4 years ago I moved and had to find a new hairdresser and I have been very happy with her. Recently things have changed. I'm considering going somewhere else. If I end this relationship, do I tell her? Do I just never contact her again?

[Lori Gottlieb]

When we think about breakups, we often think about romantic breakups. But there are so many people in our lives that we have connections with that are meaningful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, I thought you were going to say therapist. People get very, very anxious about breaking up with their therapist.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They do. Please don't ghost them. You will grow from that experience. But let's go back to the hairstylist. Hey Gretchen.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Hey Lori.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And hey, since you askers. So Gretchen, what are we going to be talking about this week?

[Gretchen Rubin]

This week we're talking about how to reveal a family secret that's long overdue. The question of what counts as being on time, whether and how to end a long standing relationship. And we'll also share your listener advice. But first, we have a burning question. After last week's episode, did anyone change the way you load the dishwasher or settle any long running disagreements about running the dishwasher? I caught myself almost putting a plastic container on the bottom rack and I stopped myself just in time.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It's so funny because people always say it's not about the dishwasher. But this week I've been noticing how I load the dishwasher and honestly, it makes a big improvement in my life. Yes, it actually increases my well being.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sometimes it's the little things.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes. And Gretchen, have you noticed all the Halloween decorations lately?

[Gretchen Rubin]

It is here we are in full Halloween. We are entering the holiday season. It seems like it's earlier every year.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It does. It does. And people either love or hate Halloween.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They're the people who turn out the lights and pretend they're not home because they don't wanna open the door to trick or treaters all night. And then there are other people who dress up and give out candy and they go all in. So we're wondering from our since you askers, what were the favorite costumes that you've worn or seen others wear and what were some of your childhood rituals around Halloween?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, also, have you seen any great pet costumes? I saw a great dog costume where it looks like a dog is a vacuum cleaner and when the leash is the body of the vacuum cleaner. It was hilarious. I am super lucky because my neighborhood celebrates Halloween in the hugest way. And I always make a point if I'm in town to go out and walk around just to see how the houses are decorated, what all the costumes are. There's always a trend in the costumes. It's so fun to see. There's just such a festive mood. I love it.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And in my neighborhood there's the exterior of the house that's in the show Modern Family and is right there. So you can imagine how they go all out and it's absolute madness. But it's really fun.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the second Halloween is over, then we are in the mad dash the Thanksgiving and the winter holidays and this can be a really, really stressful time. Relationships, a lot of tasks, travel, it all adds up. So do you need help navigating the upcoming holidays? If you have a holiday dilemma, whether that's family stress, maybe you're experiencing a loss, you have to make hosting decisions. Send us your questions and as always be as specific as possible. That's super helpful to us, but we want to know what is on your mind. Let us know.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, many people start making calls to therapists around this time of year. Many people have questions. Please send us your questions. We would love to help people navigate the holidays.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, send them to the since you asked podcast. Com.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So this week, first up, we are revisiting a question that we left you with last week that we're going to tackle today. And it seems like it's about a very particular situation, but it's really about big family secrets and it applies to withholding information in any kind of relationship.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Our listener wrote. My younger sister trusts my opinion and has asked for my guidance in a dilemma. She conceived her youngest daughter through IVF using an egg donor. Only my brother in law and my other sister know about this. The daughter is now 14 and has asked many questions about why she doesn't resemble her older sister or her mom. My sister knows she needs to tell her the truth at some point, but does not want to do this out of fear that it will really upset her daughter and will harm their good relationship. My brother in law will go along with whatever my sister decides. I believe that my niece should be told the truth. The sooner the better. Although it will be devastating. What is the best thing to do in this situation? Wow.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Wow.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This is one of those situations where there's a family secret that people are keeping because they want to protect someone that they love, but they don't realize that often it's the keeping of the secret that is much more harmful than the secret itself. So we think about how Carl Jung called secrets psychic poison. And there's a difference between privacy and secrecy. So privacy is we all have things that we wanna keep to ourselves, but we're not betraying somebody else's trust. And with secrecy, we're keeping something from someone else that is relevant to their lives and that they need to know.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. This kind of issue is coming up more and more often as technology means that more and more people are discovering that their, quote, parents aren't their biological parents. And the same issue can come up in many contexts where you have a big secret and you wanna know how and when to tell someone a big truth. And in particular, there is a very fraught secret keeping around issues of family heritage. And many parents are confused what is the right thing to do for their child's well being. It used to be in the past that absolutely, with adoption and with gamete donors, experts would advise parents to keep it absolutely secret. But over time, people realize that this has a harmful emotional effect. These secrets, they can cause harm.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They can, because people have a deep need to know where they come from. And it's interesting because because of this past, there was so much shame around saying there's a different biological heritage to this person who is our son or daughter. And in this particular situation, I wonder if the mother is grappling also with who is the secret meant to protect. Was the mom feeling that she would be judged or would she feel less than if people knew that she wasn't the biological mother to her daughter, did she worry that the daughter would maybe less close to her than the other sibling who is the biological daughter? So there are all these different levels of what it means to be biologically related to people. And then we end up keeping these secrets that reinforce these ideas that leave everybody in the dark.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and one of the things is to question your assumptions. The listener says that this will be devastating. She's assuming that this will be devastating, but it might be a relief to this child to know the truth. She reports that the 14 year old is asking questions. She knows something is up. She is distressed. And then also the listener says, my sister knows she needs to tell her daughter the truth at some point, but does not do this out of fear.

[Narrator/Announcer]

That it will really upset her daughter.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And will harm their good relationship. But keeping a secret might be far worse for their relationship.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

With a secret, the longer you wait, the more betrayed the person might feel. The more they might feel you had misled them. They might have an issue with trust if this comes out. And the thing is secrets, especially secrets like this these days, they come out. Are you going to control that moment or not?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And the problem is, as you said, the longer the secret is kept, the more difficult it is. People should tell their kids from the very beginning that this is how our family was formed. We created this beautiful family and this is how we did it. And I think that people don't also consider the ripple effects of keeping a secret. It sounds like the older sister doesn't know either. So it's going to affect the older sister's ideas about, well, mom and dad didn't tell us the truth about where we come from and how this family was formed. So I think it's really important to not wait any longer because secrets are in the air in a house. People can't necessarily put their finger on it, but something feels off. The daughter is asking questions about her appearance, but there's all these intangibles where people know that there's some secret or something isn't right and they don't know what it is. And it leaves them in this state of feeling crazy. There's a difference between how they feel internally and what they're experiencing externally.

[Gretchen Rubin]

There's also the compassion for the mother and the sister and the brother in law because they're trying to do the right thing. This is very confusing. People do feel all these cross currents of emotions. So everybody here might be out of the best intentions, trying to protect, trying to do the right thing. But this child is 14 years old. The time is now. And Laurie, you faced a version of this question yourself. How did you think about it?

[Lori Gottlieb]

So my son was conceived using donor sperm. I thought a lot about this question because you get all kinds of different opinions about when to tell, should you tell. And it was very Important from the beginning I learned that he know exactly what was going on so there wouldn't be this big secret in the household. And I'm really glad we did it that way. I think that people are so afraid like this mother here. And again, we have so much compassion for her and her husband. I think that her fear is that somehow it's going to negatively affect their family. And what we want to say here is it's going to positively affect your family. And anybody who's thinking about this in terms of any kind of secret that they're holding, the time to reveal the secret is now.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, also if you continue to keep the secret, you might dig yourself in deeper and deeper and deeper into not being forthright. And then that goes to more shame because why was this thing kept a secret? Why was I not told? And then how can I trust you if you're not telling me something that I'm asking you and is so important? Okay, so Lori, what is our advice?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. Well, as we said, definitely she needs to know. And the sister and brother in law should tell the daughter and her sister because they both need to know. This is going to be a surprise for both of them and they shouldn't assume that they know what anyone's reaction is going to be. That's their big stumbling block here, is that they're worried about the reaction. It might be devastating, but it might also be a huge relief because the cognitive dissonance will be gone where all these questions had arisen and now things make sense. So she doesn't feel something's off, but I can't articulate it. And it could be so many different feelings. She could be reconceiving her identity. And what does that mean? Relieved to know the truth, maybe feeling betrayed because she didn't know this earlier. But it could be all of those things together and you have to make room for whatever comes up.

[Gretchen Rubin]

For both girls, you frame this as this is a truth about our family. We wish we had shared it many years earlier. Take responsibility and apologize without excuses. And showing compassion for yourself and for them. And so often with a difficult conversation. Meet people where they are. You don't need to make them feel better. And say insistent things, oh, we've always loved you more than anything and we never saw a difference. And it's often helpful to follow the person's lead. They may have a lot of questions and you're there for those questions or that they may not have a lot of questions so you can answer truthfully what they do ask you don't want to evade or omit information that they ask for. But you don't need to volunteer a lot of details if they're not asking for them.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right. And this isn't just one conversation. This is opening up many, many, many conversations so you don't have to cover it all in that first conversation. They need time to process it. They need time to think about what are their questions. It reminds me a little bit of when I see someone reveal that they were having an affair. So there was some kind of betrayal, and then the person wants to trust them again. But you can't trust somebody if they're not telling you the truth when you ask questions. So whatever the girls ask, you want to make sure that you're telling the whole truth. For example, in an affair, if someone says, how long did you know this person? How long has this been going on? Are you still in contact? And the person evades the answer to that, you're not going to trust that person again. So, as parents, you really want to make sure that you're answering everything truthfully and that there's no more secret.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And another thing to remember is this is her secret to tell, and she probably will tell her friends. This is a secret that will become known. And you don't want to imply that she shouldn't tell anyone that this is a secret now that she has to keep. This is how you created your family. It's the beautiful story of intentionally wanting to create this family and let everyone move forward with this information together. Ask, how can I support you as you're taking this in?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, I think it's going to be a huge relief for the entire family, even if it's difficult.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Secrets want to come out.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yep.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, we would love to hear what you think. Have you experienced this situation, which is not all that uncommon, or some version of this kind of experience where there's a big secret that needs to be revealed? We would love to hear from you. For information about how to weigh in or submit your own question, go to the since youe Asked podcast. We want to hear from you.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And now we're going to hear from you. You sent us so many responses to our first few episodes, and we read everything that you send in. So we want to share these responses to the questions that we discussed in episode one. And we're calling this since youe Answered because so many of you did. And the question that really struck a chord for many of you was this question about in laws. And our listener wrote in and said that she feels Guilty because she doesn't spend as much time making plans with her husband's family as she does with her own family and she wasn't sure whether he should handle it. She should handle it. Should she just give up? Should she try harder? She felt guilty. What should she do? And if you don't remember the question, well, just go back and listen to the first episode. Here's what Jenna said. The question struck a chord with me. We moved a lot as a child and only visited my grandparents every few years, once a year at most. I'm now an adult and don't live near my parents. Throughout my adult life I have tried to visit every few years. I now try to visit one to two times a year, but was honestly surprised to hear my parents wish that I visited more often. It honestly never occurred to me and I think that's because it is not how they raised me. So just like eating your vegetables and being a good human being, model the behavior you want your children to exhibit. If you want your children to spend time with the in laws which might be you, then show them how.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Now I think that is a really excellent point that we model what we expect from family life and we might very well be in laws ourselves one day. We might be grandparents or someone's aunt or uncle and we want to model the behavior of including people visiting, people engaging with family. I think that's really good advice.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I do too. And I think it helps to imagine what Jenna said. How do we model those respectful, inclusive family relationships because we want them for ourselves too.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. And then we heard from Victoria.

[Victoria (Listener)]

I thought your podcast episode dealing with balancing in law time was really interesting. I had a similar challenge with my in laws in kind of the reverse way. I spent a lot of time with my husband's family because they like to travel. And so we went on a lot of trips together. And I felt so guilty that I wasn't spending an equivalent amount of time with my own family. So I kept trying to force them to do things that they didn't really want to do or I was unhappily spending time with them sometimes. So one of the lessons that I learned is that it doesn't have to be equal to be fair. And I think it's a life lesson that has spilled over to other areas. My life as well.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I love what she said about it doesn't have to be equal to be fair. That really goes into what we were talking about in that episode, that different families have different dynamics and that you really want to take that into account. So it's not about doing exactly the same thing with various people in your family. It's about doing what feels organic and enjoyable for everybody.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. It's respecting their relationships as they are.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then another question that came up in episode one was related to a family group chat. So this was a listener who wrote in because her sister had said some cutting things in a family group chat related to their elderly parents and the burden of taking care of the elderly parents kind of a snippy way. And the listener and her husband were saying really she should have a better tone because the parents are seeing what these comments are in the group chat because everybody's on the group chat. And she noted that she visited from time to time. The brother visited rarely and the sister who had made the cutting comments in the group chat was in constant support of these aging parents. And we had an anonymous listener who wrote in respond to episode one's issue related to the mean sister on the family chat. Hoo boy. The sister who asked the question is the main problem here. I have been that caretaker. The sister who is four hours away and the brother have no clue what the hands on sister is going through or how needy the parents have become. Her comments that the parents are like children needs to be taken absolutely seriously. It is a cry for recognition and help. Children are a 24, 7 job and so are elderly parents. Except that parents whose faculties are failing don't provide intervals of joy and cuteness out of town. Relatives will always minimize. They think the hands on person is just whining and exaggerating. I've seen this in so many families. It is hardest when the parent's memory is failing as happened with my mother. But I also was the point person for a different sharp as attack elderly relative. It is very time consuming. Vacations are not an option. It has been almost a decade now since they both died. And my well meaning sister and her husband still have no understanding of my life during those years. I've worked hard to forgive them. It is hard.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This goes back to this saying caregivers need caregivers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh yeah.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So often they don't even have time to go to therapy or to go to a support group or to get any care that they need because they're so busy caregiving and people don't realize what it's like to be in the trenches 24, seven to be that person on the ground. So I'm really glad we got this perspective from one of our listeners.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. Exactly. And then in terms of bad advice we asked people what was some bad advice that you've gotten. And Alex had an example of some bad advice. When I was expecting my first baby at age 23, I knew I wanted to name her Molly. I had always loved the name and it just felt right. At a family gathering, my sister in law, who already had multiple children and was about 10 years older than me, asked me in front of everyone what names I like. When I said the name, she quickly responded, oh no, don't name her Molly. I knew a huge insert derogatory term here in high school, name Molly. Well, right then and there, I took the name Molly off the table. It felt like using the name would show my sister in law and all the family present for the conversation that I didn't care about her opinion. What was I thinking? Of course I don't care about her opinion. My baby is my baby and I shouldn't have listened to anyone about such a permanent and personal choice. Eleven years and four kids later, it's one of my biggest regrets. I love my sister in law, but I still still wish I had followed my heart and named my baby Molly. Okay, here's the thing. Never tell anybody what names you're thinking about for your baby.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Exactly.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Do not do it. It never ends well.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Keep it to yourself because everybody has their own opinions and either positive or negative, you're gonna remember them even if you are clear that that's the name that you want. When I had my baby shower, I put out a survey of different baby names. I thought it would be like a fun game. And then I got all the results back and then I thought, what am I doing? Everybody had so many different opinions and it didn't matter because I knew what names I liked and that was what I did.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Parents only.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And then also somebody would be like, oh, I already picked that name for my unborn baby.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

People called dibs. It just leads to all kinds of complications. If you want to hear more about these conversations that we alluded to, go back and listen to episode one. They were all really interesting to talk about. Coming up, we'll talk about how to initiate a respectful breakup with your hairstylist. But first, this break.

[Lori Gottlieb]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[Narrator/Announcer]

October 10th is World Mental Health Day. And this year, BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists, people who truly make the world a better place. Therapy can help you sort through what's weighing on your mind, whether it's learning new coping tools, having a safety, a safe place to share what you're carrying or simply being heard.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes, and the right therapist can change everything. BetterHelp has over 12 years of experience in matching people to the right therapists and have helped more than 5 million people around the world improve their mental health. With over 30,000 licensed therapists available, BetterHelp.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in.

[Gretchen Rubin]

The US and if your first match.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Doesn'T feel right, you can switch at any time. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Take a step forward.

[Narrator/Announcer]

If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] since you asked. That's better. H E L P.com since you asked.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Lori what I like about JLab is that no matter what your mood, there's.

[Gretchen Rubin]

A JLab headphone for everyone.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Exactly. Whether I'm working out to music, listening to podcasts, or just trying to unwind, there's a JLab that fits and they deliver superior sound, smart design and real value.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The JBuds pods are a great example. Sleek stem design, 56 hours of playtime, and powerful noise canceling.

[Gretchen Rubin]

What I appreciate is not having to.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Think about charging them all the time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They just keep going.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The JBuds Lux are another favorite. They've got 70 hours of playtime, hybrid active noise, cancer canceling and cloud foam cushions. I love how lightweight and comfortable they are, especially if you're listening all day.

[Narrator/Announcer]

And if you want to go beyond.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Headphones, JLab even has the JBuds party.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Speaker with up to 12 hours of.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Playtime and customizable LED lights to set the mood anywhere.

[Lori Gottlieb]

For every move, for every mood, for every you express your true self with JLab.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Look for the blue box at retailers.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Everywhere or shop jlab.com and use code sync. Since you asked for 15% off your order today, this episode is sponsored by Squarespace. It's the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[Lori Gottlieb]

In fact, we built thecentyouasspodcast.com on Squarespace and it has been such a great way to connect with you, our listeners. We love getting your questions through the site because it feels like an extension of the show and you can also catch up on fun episodes and join our newsletter all in one place.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What I love is how easy it was to get things looking just right. Squarespace has beautiful templates and simple drag and drop tools so you don't need to be a designer, to create something that feels professional.

[Lori Gottlieb]

It has made it easy for us to keep growing what we do. And whether you're starting a podcast, building a portfolio, or growing a business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to share your work and connect with people.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Go to squarespace.com since you asked for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use code since you asked to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And now we're back with the delicate dilemma that applies to any situation where you want to make a change but worry about how it will affect someone you care about. And since you asked Christine, here's your voice memo.

[Christine (Listener)]

Hello, this is Christine. Four years ago, I moved to a new district and had to find a new hairdresser. I found a very good, friendly, just lovely hairdresser who was establishing a new business, and I have been very happy with her. An example of her care was that just before Christmas 2022, she got Covid and had to cancel. She went to the trouble to find another hairdresser who could look after me because she knew that that appointment was important to me. Recently, things have changed. For example, several times lately, she has called me to reschedule at the last minute, usually with an apology and explanation. But last time, when I arrived at the rescheduled time, there was no apology or explanation and she had obviously slotted me in when she was looking after someone else and therefore took an extra long time on my hair. I'm considering going somewhere else. If I end this relationship, do I tell her that I feel like I'm being taken for granted? Do I just never contact her again? Would she want to know how I feel?

[Lori Gottlieb]

This is such an interesting letter, because when we think about breakups, we often think about romantic breakups, right? Or we think about even a breakup with a friend. But there are so many people in our lives that we have connections with that are meaningful to us. We've had them for years, they're in our lives, and yet something changes and we're not sure we want to continue the relationship. And it's delicate because you do have a connection with these people. So what do you do? And I hear this a lot about can I cheat on my hairstylist and go to someone else? Because when they were away, I went to someone else and I liked the way they did my hair better. What do I do? You hear these kinds of things a lot. But there are so many people in our lives that we need to recognize these relationships are important. And we need to be thoughtful around them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lori, I thought you were going to say therapist, because I think people get very, very anxious about breaking up with their therapist.

[Lori Gottlieb]

They do. And often what they'll do is they'll ghost the therapist because they're afraid to say. And by the way, therapy is the safest place. That's the place where you can say anything you want. So if you come to your therapist, that would be a great experience for people to say, hey, you know what? I want to make a change. And you get to talk about it and leave with a lot of support and encouragement for doing so. So if you guys are thinking about your therapist and whether you want to make a change with your therapist, please don't ghost them. Go tell them that you are thinking about making a change. You will grow from that experience. But let's go back to the hairstylist. Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, so Christine, you know, she wants to recognize that this hair stylist made exceptional efforts in the past, that she's done a great job, but things haven't been so great. There are several very specific incidences. This is not just some vague dissatisfaction. She was very inconvenienced. Now, I started my career in law. I remember just enough to be dangerous. But I've always loved a phrase in law which is notice to cure. And notice to cure is when you give someone an opportunity, you say, hey, something is going wrong here. I'm going to give you a chance and an opportunity to fix it, to cure the situation. But I am putting you on notice that if things aren't changed, then this situation is not going to continue.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right, Right. And I think in this case, she can start with curiosity because she used to really appreciate this hairdresser who went above and beyond to help her out. Something has changed. So I think if she starts with curiosity, that's a good place to bring up the topic.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. So what's our advice?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Right, So I think our advice is have an honest conversation with her and maybe say, I'm really surprised because things used to be this way and I've noticed this change. And be really clear about what's not working. Be very specific. You don't have time for me. Or here are the examples of canceling lateness, double booking, and see what she says. See if she wants to, as Gretchen said, with notice to cure. If she wants to cure the situation and remedy it, let's see how she responds.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And if this continues, then next time you book it with another hairstylist. And I don't think that you need to have a further conversation. I think if you give this notice to cure, I think you can then just walk away. That's not ghosting, right?

[Lori Gottlieb]

So you've already told her what the issue is. Let's say she says she's going to fix it and still doesn't fix it. You don't have to have another conversation. You can just book with another hairstylist next time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. And since you ask yours, have you ever been in a situation like this where you had to break up with someone? Not a romantic breakup or a friend breakup, but a different kind of breakup? What worked for you? What did you find? We would love to hear from you. We can all learn from each other, so let us know at the since you asked podcast.com coming up, we have a wisdom of crowds. You all weighed in on the question of when it comes to being on time. What do you think? But first, this break.

[Lori Gottlieb]

The holidays sneak up fast, but it is not too early to get your shopping done and actually have fun with it. Uncommon Goods makes holiday shopping stress free and joyful with thousands of one of a kind gifts you cannot find anywhere else.

[Gretchen Rubin]

They look for products that are high quality, unique and often handmade. Many come from independent artists and small batches so the best finds can sell out fast.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I recently got a really cool mood ring and it's time to my birthday. I get so many compliments on it. There are so many unusual, unique gifts that you can select from on Uncommon.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Goods and that is what makes Uncommon Goods special. They have something for everyone from parents and kids to history buffs and foodies. And every purchase support supports small businesses and independent artists. Many items are made in small batches so it's smart to shop early.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Plus, Uncommon Goods gives back. They donate $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice and have already given more than $3 million.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So shop early, have fun and cross names off your list. To get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com since you asked, that is UncommonGoods.com since you Asked for 15% off Uncommon Goods we are all out of the ordinary.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Well, hi everybody, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser Than Me podcast. And I'm not going to talk about food waste this time. I'm going to talk about food resources. All that uneaten food rotting in the landfill. It could be enriching our soil or feeding our chickens because it's still food. And the easiest and frankly way coolest way to put all its nutrients to work is with the mill food recycler, it looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps in it like a garbage can. But it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and rhapsodize about how it's completely odorless and it's fully automated and how you can keep filling it for weeks. But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine. Think about a dishwasher, not a toaster. It's built by hand in North America and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with mill to understand all the love. That's why they offer a risk free trial. Go to mill.com wiser for an exclusive offer.

[Narrator/Announcer]

There is one thing that every person on earth has in common. We all move through the world in a human body.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Bodies ache, they bleed, they desire, they hold the stories of our lives.

[Narrator/Announcer]

And when people have power over their bodies, when they can access the care their bodies need, they can begin to write their own stories.

[Lori Gottlieb]

International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf is the world's largest network for sexual and reproductive health rights and justice. They are sharing real stories of people.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Around the world, like Alina in Malawi who walked miles to the nearest clinic to give birth, only to deliver her baby along the way.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Everybody holds a story.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Read just a few of them [e-mail] everybody.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And now we're back with wisdom of crowds. It's a poll. You guys love responding to the polls.

[Gretchen Rubin]

People love the poll. They want to weigh in on a poll.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So this week, here was our poll. Hey, since you askers, when it comes to being on time, what's your view? One, if you're not five minutes early, you're late. 26% of you agreed with that. Two, if you're five minutes late, you're on time. 13% of you agreed with that. Three, if you text that you're running late, you're on time. Only 5% of you agreed with that. And number four, on time is on time. That was the winner. 55% of you agreed with that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, that's mine. That's how I would weigh in. Lori, how about you?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, same.

[Gretchen Rubin]

We got so many interesting responses to this. Okay, so for on time is on time, which is ours, Kelly said on time is on time, time isn't arbitrary. If we all agreed on a time, that's the time I am.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So with Kelly on that.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Mm. Laura said, being late implies I must feel my time is more valuable than theirs. I build an extra time for the unknown so I don't keep others waiting.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Ann had an exception to this, which is but if you're driving somewhere, don't sacrifice safety to arrive on time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, that is a very good reminder right there. And then on the answer if you're not five minutes early, you're late. Abigail said while prepping a group of 200 high schooler musicians for a three week trip to Europe, our head music director told us to be early is to be on time. To be on time is to be late. It's been 23 years since that trip and I recall it whenever I'm figuring out timing for pretty much anything. It serves me well.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Courtney said, I used to be very flexible with time, but I married a man who is Lombardi time on steroids. Now I'm just used to being early. So we actually didn't know what Lombardi Time was. We had to look this up.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, so many listeners refer to Lombardi Time. Lombardi Time is a reference to Coach Vince Lombardi. And Isaac summarized this approach very nicely. Lombardi time is if you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. If you're late, don't bother showing up.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So Lombardi time and in fact Lombardi time, it's not just are you early, you have to be 15 minutes early to be on time. Apparently that applies to the military too, because Amy said, my dad was a Marine, I was army, so technically it's 15 minutes, not five.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Grace writes, I'm always early for everything. And if I sense I'm going to be late for something like traffic unexpectedly, I will call to let them know. The only thing I don't want to be early for is my own funeral. And Amy says I'm number one. That's if you're not five minutes early, you're late. Drives my husband nuts. He's number two. If you're five minutes late, you're on time. Well, that's a different approach. And I could see how that could come up a lot in a married couple.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Exactly. And a lot of you said that context matters. So Eric said this depends on the context. If it's an informal setting of friends, Number three, text that you're running late. If it's a job interview, number one, five minutes early. Otherwise I would generally Say four, which is on time, is on time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jamie wrote, professionally, I'm early or on time. Personally, I consider 10 minutes before or after to be on time. Also, if I text, I'm late, it means I'm just doing my best. Context matters.

[Lori Gottlieb]

And Vanessa said, I always aim to be early, but I end up five to 10 minutes late. I think I have time blindness. Me being late has nothing to do with disrespect and everything to do with struggling with time management. Also, kids, I think this is a.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Really good point because I do think many people say, well, if you're late, that's showing disrespect for me and my time. And sometimes that's true. But it's also true that some people just have very complicated lives. It's true that some people don't have a good sense of time and it's just harder for them to manage. And so I think you want to show a little bit of compassion and to consider. Consider the person that you're dealing with before you assume that it's a sign of flagrant disrespect if they're late.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yeah, we don't always have to take it personally.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, exactly. And finally, Jennifer says, I'm always on time on Jennifer time. I thought that was very funny. Can I add a quick hack about this?

[Lori Gottlieb]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

If you are a person who, like me, is very, very concerned about being on time and can get very, very stressed out if I'm even going to be five minutes late, it can sometimes be helpful to say to somebody, I'll be there between 7 and 7:15, because that way I'll aim to be there at 7. But if I get there at 7:15, I'm still on time because I've said between 7 and 7:15. And if you were raised in this way, Lombardi time, and you find it stressful to be running late, giving yourself a little buffer up front then can make these deadlines much easier because you don't feel that clock ticking in the same way.

[Lori Gottlieb]

That's such a great idea. I think I need to try that because my hack is that I just set the clock two minutes faster. And even though I know that it's two minutes faster, the fact that I see the time and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, and then I have to go. I truly believe that it's that time just by seeing it, even though I know that I have set the clock ahead.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes. That is a classic solution. It's surprising how effective setting your clock ahead can work. Yeah. So that is our advice for this week and here is a question that we will be discussing next time. We'll be talking about our advice for this question, but we would love to hear your thoughts. Here's the question and go to theseinsuspodcast.com to let us know what you think. What advice would you give? And since you asked Thessaly, here's your letter for us.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I recently got married to an amazing man who also has never been married and who moved into my home when we got married. We are both traditional and valued, not living together before we were married. He is doing everything he can to make my life easier and make me as happy as can be, but since we've been married I've been feeling so sad and emotional. I've looked at if post wedding depression is a thing and it seems like this might be what's going on. I've been transparent with him about it too, but I don't know what to do to help alleviate my sadness. Any advice or any similar experiences you have had or heard about.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I think this is a situation a lot of people can relate to, whether specifically in this context, but also analogous context. So it'll be very interesting to talk about this question.

[Lori Gottlieb]

So thank you Cecily and that is it for today. We love your responses and we read and listen to all of them. So if you have a question or you want to share some advice on questions that we've discussed, go to the since you ask podcast.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Com and also if you want to keep up with the show, you want to see show extras, you want to weigh in on the polls, follow us on each of our social media accounts.

[Lori Gottlieb]

I'm retchenrubin and Lori, you are lorigotlibauthor.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And tell us what you thought. What questions resonate with you? What advice do you agree with or disagree with? We want to hear from you. And also if you enjoy the show, please tell a friend. Word of mouth really is the way that people discover a new show. And as a new show we would especially appreciate ratings, reviews and follow and subscribes. Those really do help in the and.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Since you asked is for entertainment purposes.

[Lori Gottlieb]

Only and isn't a substitute for professional advice.

[Gretchen Rubin]

By sending us your question, you're agreeing. We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.