Podcast Summary: Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode Title: Should You Reveal a Family Secret? Plus: How to Break Up With Your Hairdresser
Date: October 14, 2025
Host: Lemonada Media

Overview

In this episode, happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin and therapist Lori Gottlieb address two compelling listener dilemmas: deciding whether to reveal a longstanding family secret (the origins of a child's conception via egg donation), and the etiquette of ending a long-term relationship with a hairdresser. The pair also discuss issues of family dynamics, give advice on managing in-law guilt, navigate tricky family group chats, and reflect on listener responses around what it means to be on time.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Secrets: Should You Reveal the Truth?

[04:31-14:03]

• Listener Dilemma:
  A listener seeks advice on whether her sister should tell her 14-year-old daughter the truth about her conception via egg donor IVF, as the daughter senses something different and has begun to ask questions. The mother fears damaging the relationship if the truth is revealed.
• Lori and Gretchen’s Position:
  Both argue for openness, emphasizing the psychological harm that secrets can cause when withheld—“Carl Jung called secrets psychic poison” (Lori, 05:31).
  Secrecy is harmful when it withholds essential truth from a person; privacy is different.
• Changing Societal Views:
  Historically, parents were told to keep such origins secret, but modern understanding recognizes the emotional importance of transparency for identity and trust (Gretchen, 06:07).
• Potential Harm in Delay:
  "With a secret, the longer you wait, the more betrayed the person might feel." (Gretchen, 08:13)
  Both caution that secrets tend to come out, especially with modern technology, and that further delay compounds feelings of betrayal and trust loss.
• Lori’s Personal Experience:
  Lori shares that her own son was conceived with donor sperm, and open communication from the beginning was key to family wellbeing (09:56).
  “What we want to say here is, it’s going to positively affect your family.” (Lori, 09:56)
• Advice:
  • Tell the truth to both daughters immediately.
  • Take responsibility and apologize for waiting.
  • Allow space for complex reactions and ongoing conversations.
  • Do not frame the revelation as something to be hidden; encourage open discussion.
  • Meet their reactions with empathy and answer questions honestly.
  • Recognize this as an ongoing process rather than a one-off conversation (Lori, 12:40).
  • "You don’t need to make them feel better… just be truthful and present." (Gretchen, 11:54)

Notable Quotes

• "People have a deep need to know where they come from." — Lori Gottlieb [06:50]
• "Secrets are in the air in a house. People can't necessarily put their finger on it, but something feels off." — Lori Gottlieb [08:53]
• “The time is now.” — Gretchen Rubin [09:33]
• “Secrets want to come out.” — Gretchen Rubin [14:01]

2. In-Law Guilt & Family Group Chats: Listener Feedback

[14:27-21:31]

• Listener Responses:
  • In-Law Time (Jenna): Encourage modeling of inclusive family behavior for future generations.
  • Inequity in Family Visits (Victoria): "It doesn't have to be equal to be fair."
  • Family Chat Tensions: Caregivers of elderly parents seek understanding and support from family; the hands-on sibling’s perspective is rarely appreciated, leading to resentment (Anonymous).
• Lori and Gretchen’s Takeaways:
  • Balance and fairness in family relationships look different for everyone.
  • It’s essential to recognize and support caregivers rather than judge their tone or demands.

Notable Quotes

• "Caregivers need caregivers." — Lori Gottlieb [19:21]
• "It doesn't have to be equal to be fair." — Victoria (Listener) [17:04]

3. Bad Advice: Don't Share Baby Names!

[19:46-21:31]

• Listeners share regrets about following ill-considered family advice on naming children. Consensus: Leave naming decisions to the parents to avoid disappointment or regret.

Notable Quotes

• “Never tell anybody what names you’re thinking about for your baby.” — Gretchen Rubin [20:55]

4. How to Break Up With Your Hairdresser

[25:00-29:27]

• Listener Dilemma:
  Christine describes her close relationship with her hairdresser and growing dissatisfaction due to recent flaky behavior. She wonders whether to raise her concerns or leave without explanation.
• Lori and Gretchen’s Advice:
  • "Notice to Cure": Borrowing a legal concept, Gretchen suggests clearly communicating the problem and offering a chance to improve (27:39).
  • Lead with Curiosity: Lori encourages starting the conversation from a place of curiosity—"Something has changed… can we talk about it?" [28:20]
  • Be specific about issues (missed appointments, lateness, double-bookings).
  • If no improvement is made after the conversation, it’s acceptable to move on without further confrontation—this is not “ghosting” (Gretchen, 29:06).
• Parallel to Therapist Relationships:
  The pair briefly note that people often similarly find it hard to “break up” with a therapist; Lori strongly advocates having a closing conversation for personal growth rather than ghosting (27:06).

Notable Quotes

• "By the way, therapy is the safest place. That's the place where you can say anything you want."—Lori Gottlieb [27:06]
• “If you give this notice to cure, I think you can just walk away. That's not ghosting, right?” — Gretchen Rubin [29:06]

5. "Wisdom of Crowds" Poll: What Counts as Being On Time?

[33:33-38:34]

• Listener Poll Results:
  • "On time is on time" wins (55%).
  • 26% say "If you're not 5 minutes early, you're late"; this approach linked to “Lombardi Time,” a reference to football coach Vince Lombardi.
  • 13%: "If you’re five minutes late, you’re on time."
  • 5%: "If you text you're running late, you're on time."
• Community Commentary:
  • Context matters: Social events vs. work-related appointments treated differently.
  • Some people experience “time blindness,” making tardiness an organizational, not moral, failing (Vanessa, 36:49).
  • Compassion is encouraged; don’t always take lateness personally.
• Gretchen’s Time Hacks:
  • Give yourself a window ("I'll be there between 7 and 7:15") to reduce stress related to punctuality.
  • Set your clocks ahead as a classic solution for the chronically late.

Notable Quotes

• “If you’re not five minutes early, you’re late. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, don’t bother showing up.” — Gretchen Rubin on Lombardi Time [35:23]
• “If you are a person who...can get very, very stressed out if I'm even going to be five minutes late, it can help to say, 'I'll be there between 7 and 7:15.'” — Gretchen Rubin [37:40]

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | | --- | --- | --- | | 05:31 | “Carl Jung called secrets psychic poison.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 08:13 | “With a secret, the longer you wait, the more betrayed the person might feel.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 09:33 | “The time is now.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 14:01 | “Secrets want to come out.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 17:04 | “It doesn't have to be equal to be fair.” | Victoria (Listener) | | 19:21 | “Caregivers need caregivers.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 20:55 | “Never tell anybody what names you’re thinking about for your baby.” | Gretchen Rubin | | 27:06 | “By the way, therapy is the safest place. That's the place where you can say anything you want.” | Lori Gottlieb | | 29:06 | “If you give this notice to cure, I think you can then just walk away. That's not ghosting, right?” | Gretchen Rubin | | 36:49 | “Me being late has nothing to do with disrespect and everything to do with struggling with time management.” | Vanessa (Listener) | | 37:40 | “If you are a person who...can get very, very stressed out if I'm even going to be five minutes late, it can help to say, 'I'll be there between 7 and 7:15.'” | Gretchen Rubin |

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 04:31 — Family Secret Dilemma: Should you reveal a child’s egg donor origins?
• 14:27 — Listener responses about in-law relationships, guilt, and fair division of time
• 19:46 — Feedback on family chat dynamics and the perspective of primary caregivers
• 20:55 — Cautionary tales about sharing baby names
• 25:00 — Breaking up with your hairdresser: How to approach it thoughtfully
• 33:33 — “Wisdom of Crowds” poll on punctuality: What does being on time mean?
• 37:40 — Time management hacks for the chronically early or late

Tone and Style

Lori and Gretchen blend warmth, humor, and empathy throughout the episode, using real-life examples and candid personal stories. They encourage self-compassion, honesty, and context-aware consideration in giving and receiving advice.

Summary

This episode offers nuanced advice for difficult interpersonal situations—whether handling a high-stakes family secret or the more mundane, but meaningful, act of ending a loyal business relationship. Through thoughtful discussion and listener contributions, the show models how honesty, specificity, and empathy foster healthier relationships and better outcomes, both at home and in the wider web of social connections. The wisdom from Lori and Gretchen, as well as the “wisdom of crowds,” provides practical, reassuring guidance for everyday dilemmas.