← Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Should Your Spouse Tell You If They’re Meeting Up with an Ex? Plus: Valentine’s Day Expectations
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A
I just discovered my husband has been meeting his ex girlfriend once a year for our entire marriage. Is this genuinely strange or am I making it into something it's not?
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B
I think what we're talking about here is trust. So it seems like there's a reason that he felt he couldn't tell the truth.
- [03:28]
A
Feels like you're going out of your way not to mention it. And so what is going on there? What is the significance of that?
- [03:36]
B
Foreign. Hi Gretchen, Hey Laurie, and hello everyone, and welcome to since youe Asked, a podcast where Gretchen and I give our best advice to listeners who are struggling with a dilemma, whether big or small. We'll give our perspectives and of course, we also include responses from you, our since you asked listeners. I'm Lori Gottlieb. I am a psychotherapist and author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist advice column for the New York Times.
- [04:09]
A
And I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature. I'm the author of many books, including the Happiness Project.
- [04:16]
B
Today we'll be giving advice on the pressure to create the ideal upbringing for your kids and what to do when your husband forgets to tell you that he's been having an annual platonic lunch with his ex girlfriend. We'll also talk about how you like to spend Valentine's Day. There's so many different thoughts on this, and as always, if you have a question for us, go to theseinceyouasspodcast.com and we might feature it on an upcoming episode.
- [04:40]
A
But first up, we still have so many updates from Season one. Thank you all for writing in with your responses. And today, here's what some of you shared on the question of the woman whose sister used an egg donor to conceive one of her daughters, who is now 14, and she wants to help her sister and husband tell the truth about the girl's origins. We gave some advice and talked about why this is important and how she might bring this up. Many of you responded with how you handled a similar situation and what your experiences were.
- [05:13]
B
And so first off, Carol said, my niece, who's five years old, was conceived via IVF with donor sperm. It's my impression that the guidance parents are given on this topic has changed significantly over the past decade or two. My sister and brother in law were advised to tell their daughter the details of how she was conceived in age appropriate ways from the very beginning, and this seems to be considered best practice. Now I know that it's too late for this advice to be useful to the letter writer's family, who I'm sure were given much different advice 14 years ago. But to the letter writer, the niece must be told by her mom. The sooner the better. In an age of DNA testing, this secret will come out eventually and and it will hurt so much less if she hears it directly from her mom. So she can hear that she was conceived in this way because her family wanted her so much and that her mom loves her with her whole heart, no less than if they were biologically related. There's no question that this revelation will damage trust in the short term, but if your sister faces it now with love and understanding, that trust can be rebuilt. Wishing the best for you all.
- [06:15]
A
Well, this is a good point that secrets come out and so do you want to manage the circumstance in which this disclosure is made or do you want to wait for it to explode into the scene?
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B
Yeah, and I think the avoidance is something that people tend to do. I don't want to hurt this person, so I'm going to wait. The problem is that the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.
- [06:40]
A
Well, and something that can be done at any time is often done at no time if there's no obvious reason to do it at a certain time. And it's very easy, as you say, to avoid it and just say, oh, now's not a great time. I'll wait for a good time. What is that time? Someone who wanted to be anonymous says, I don't understand why the sister who posed the question said that it will be, quote, devastating for her niece to get this information. Parenthood begins when you commit to caring for children, loving them, nurturing them, and supporting them into adulthood, not when or if you give birth to them. Biological connections to children don't automatically equal good parents. They just look around at how so many people who are biological parents mistreat or even abuse their own children. I feel passionately about this as we have adopted our daughter and have explained this to her, although as she gets older we will have to talk about it more.
- [07:29]
B
I think that's another good point. It is more common nowadays. The more people start talking about this, the less stigma there will be around it. And along those lines, Teresa said, I was in a similar situation, but before my kids were even born, I had twins using donor eggs. I decided that we would be very forthright with them from the very beginning. So I got a children's picture book that talked about a bunny who shared eggs with another bunny to allow that bunny to have baby bunnies. And we read this to them. From the time the kids were old enough to sit down with us, we talked about that and about how they were made using donated eggs. And so we just made it part of our family history. I didn't ever want my kids to find out at 16 or 17 that they had been made with donor eggs because that would be a shocker. And also I knew that there were things like DNA results that would be widely used in different parts of our society. And so I don't think that it would even be possible to keep that information from them. I'm sure there are many books for kids about donor eggs now, and that's become so much more common. So there was a book when my son was young, I used a sperm donor to conceive him. And even though I did not use ivf, there was a book called I'm a Little Frosty, which I don't really think it was the greatest analogy. But the point is, we did also, like Teresa, talk about it from the very beginning.
- [08:46]
A
Yeah. Because if it's never a secret, if it's something that you know from the time you can remember, it feels very different from something that you learn much later.
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It's just part of your story.
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Yeah. Gretchen P. Oh, that's nice. I don't encounter that many other Gretchens, so it's nice to hear from another Gretchen. She writes, this is just a heartfelt thank you. Thanks to both of you for having this conversation to to the listener who asked the question and to this podcast community for being willing to explore it so openly. I'm the mom of twin 16 year old boys who were conceived using donor eggs. Their dad and I divorced when they were young, but we co parent very well. We never hid this part of their story, but we also never explicitly told them. When they turned 13, the weight of not sharing it began to grow. As their 16th birthday approached, these feelings resurfaced. And then, as if by fate, your podcast addressed this very topic. Hearing that conversation struck something in me. I've learned that the best hard conversations with my boys happen in the car. So I gathered my courage and told them. Their immediate response is, you are our mom. When I told them I've always seen them as my miracle babies, they both smiled and said they loved me. Since then, they've asked a few questions about the process, but there has been no resentment or sadness, just openness. Everything feels a little lighter now. The thank you again for putting this conversation into the world. It helped me find my courage. There's the proverb that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And it sounds like Gretchen was feeling that it was time to have a more forthright conversation. So it's wonderful to think that this conversation helped her decide to do that. And now they're all feeling that there is this more openness and communication.
- [10:28]
B
And this goes back to what the other listener was saying about why they might not be devastated. And in fact this bears that out. That actually it lightened things up for everybody. And that's what happens when secrets are revealed. It's like a pressure valve has been released and now it feels like a huge relief to people.
- [10:46]
A
Well, and it's also a good example of you don't know how other people are going to react and so what you assume is going to happen might not be at all what's going to happen. So don't assume the worst because that very well may not happen.
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Our takeaway here is when it comes to big family secrets, our advice is disclose. Please disclose.
- [11:02]
A
Yes. Now we'll get to our first question of the week. This is one of those situations that seems innocent enough, but actually seems to cross some lines. It's from Paola and here's her question. I just discovered my husband has been meeting his ex girlfriend once a year for our entire marriage. They dated for six years in their 20s and broke up 15 years ago. Her father died while they were together and apparently my husband was there through it all. So every year on the anniversary they get coffee for an hour.
- [11:39]
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That's it.
- [11:40]
A
I only found out because I saw coffee with Sarah 2pm on his calendar. When I asked who Sarah was, he looked surprised and explained everything. He genuinely seemed confused about why he'd never mentioned it, like it just hadn't occurred to him that this was worth bringing up. He says it's not romantic. Her dad really liked him and he feels it's the right thing to do. He offered to stop if it bothers me. Part of me thinks this is actually kind of beautiful and honorable, but part of me can't get past the fact that he's had this annual appointment with his ex for eight years and never thought to tell me. Not once is this genuinely strange, or am I making it into something it's not? And if I ask him to stop, does that make me the bad guy? Ooh, interesting.
- [12:26]
B
I think what we're talking about here is trust. And there are two issues. The first is what's going on between her husband and Sarah, and he's probably telling the truth about that. But the real issue here seems to be that she wants to give her husband the benefit of the doubt, because as far as she knows, he's a very trustworthy person. And it might be hard to acknowledge that maybe there has been a breach in that trust. And the breach has been that it seems very unlikely that he just kind of forgot to mention this. It might even be maybe one year he forgot. But she's saying this has been going on for the whole time they've been together, which is about eight years. So it seems in those eight years, it would have come up like, what'd you do today, hon? Well, I had coffee with Sarah. So the trust issue doesn't seem like it's necessarily about having some covert romantic relationship. It seems like there's a reason that he felt he couldn't tell the truth. Sometimes we don't tell the truth because we're afraid of what we might have to do if we do so. For example, he might have thought, if I tell my wife that I'm having this coffee with Sarah, that's very important to me because of our history around her father, My wife might say, don't go anymore, or my wife might feel threatened, or it might just create problems. But the point is, when you don't tell the truth, you're creating a much bigger problem than if you tell the truth and then try to work with what is.
- [13:59]
A
Well, here's the thing. When I read this question, I had a different response. I thought this wouldn't really surprise me. Just coming from my own perspective, just putting myself in her shoes. I thought if this happened with me and my husband, Jamie, I don't think I would think anything of it, because my husband isn't very forthcoming. Generally, that's just the guy he is. He doesn't volunteer a lot of details. He does a lot of things in his day without telling me. He does Pretty major things without informing me and not out of any furtiveness, but just, that's how he is. And so I thought it's maybe a little weird. I guess the weirdest thing is it never came up casually, like, oh, Sarah told me a funny story today. It feels like a deliberate omission since it's been happening for so long. But I thought, I don't know, that this would really strike me as that unusual, just in my own perspective. So I asked Jamie what he thought, and he's like, are you bonkers? Of course I would tell you. This is really strange. Yes. He was baffled. I was like, but you often don't tell me really important things. And he was like, no, I would definitely tell you. And I was like, is it the ex girlfriend of it? He was saying, what you're saying, Laurie, it's too much of a pattern. Yeah. It feels like you're going out of your way not to mention it. And so what is going on there? What is the significance of that?
- [15:12]
B
Exactly. Yeah. I am completely with Jamie on this. It was intentional hiding.
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A
Yes. Yes.
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B
That's really what this is about. So what is our advice?
- [15:20]
A
One thing I would say is that sometimes to ask a question is to answer it. Paola is saying, am I right to be suspicious? The fact that you are suspicious means that there's a reason for you to feel that way, and so you don't have to feel bad about that.
- [15:34]
B
And then what do you do with that? Do you just let it sit in your head or do you actually talk about it? She's trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I said. But I think this is really important that you don't just let this go. And this isn't about whether you ask him to stop or not stop, because they don't think that's really the point. The point is that he tell you the whole truth. And this is what I see when there actually is cheating happening in couples therapy, that sometimes part of the truth comes out and they think, oh, this other part isn't really relevant, and I didn't do anything wrong, so I don't really have to tell that part or they don't want to get into it. And when the truth comes out and dribs and drabs, it erodes trust even further. So what you want to say to him is, if you don't have a problem, you can say, I don't have a problem with you having lunch with her once a year. That doesn't bother me once. What bothers me is that it seems like the kind of thing that was intentionally hidden from me. And so I want to hear the whole truth. When did this start that you started having the lunches? Why do you think it was not told to me? How would you feel if I was going to see my ex once a year and I just never mentioned it? Wouldn't you think that was a little bit strange, what was going on? What did you imagine would happen if I knew about it?
- [16:52]
A
What do you expect to be informed about? Does this come up in other areas? Is he a person who just generally doesn't talk about it that much? In which case maybe it is different than somebody who is very forthcoming. And so then this omission looks very glaring. The context of this matters. But as always, we're always like, why don't you sit down and have a conversation about how you feel?
- [17:14]
B
Well, right. But also, I think there's a difference between secrecy and privacy. Everybody needs privacy. Privacy is our own space to make sense of things or keep things just for us, secrets. Secrecy is when you are hiding something that is relevant to a relationship.
- [17:30]
A
But I can see somebody saying, this is a relationship that I had in the far distant past. It has to do with this guy who died. I want to just once a year anniversary, we'll do it. I can see how a kind of person would think it's just my thing. And then you can say, well, I feel it's part of our relationship.
- [17:50]
B
But that's what they need to talk about.
- [17:52]
A
That's what they need to talk about.
- [17:53]
B
They need to say, what is the line in our relationship for us, it's gonna be different for different couples. But what is the line for us between secrecy and privacy? And how do we judge that? Right. Cause sometimes we'll get it wrong. But in this case, if you thought that was privacy, you got it wrong. So let's talk about how I feel about what secrecy and privacy is and how you feel about that. So we can both feel like we have our private spaces because we don't share every single thing with our partners. But where are those private spaces? And where are the things it feels safer to be in the relationship knowing that certain kinds of things will not be hidden and that's a conversation they need to have.
- [18:31]
A
I think that's a really helpful way to think about it. Where is the line between secrecy and privacy for you and for me? Because that's something that you don't really talk about. And yet you could imagine two people having very wildly different expectations, especially In a new relationship where you come to it with a very different set of expectations, you feel like you're miscommunicating or being thoughtless or inconsiderate or oversharing, it gets confusing. And I think it's just a question of where you draw that line because it could be drawn in different places for different people.
- [18:57]
B
Yeah. Like you were saying, you and Jamie, you don't tell each other everything you do all day long. Some couples really like to share that stuff. Everybody's different.
- [19:05]
A
And there are things that he does where if I said to somebody my husband did this and didn't tell me, they would be like, that is deeply shocking. And I'm like, it's not shocking to me because it doesn't bring up trust issues. And I'm just like, oh, that's how he do.
- [19:16]
B
Right. But that's because you trust him.
- [19:18]
A
Yes, exactly.
- [19:19]
B
And so here, this isn't a new couple, been together for eight years. So this conversation is overdue, and it's a good time to start having this conversation. What does this mean to us? What is secrecy? What is privacy? What belongs to the relationship and what belongs to each of us?
- [19:33]
A
This is such an interesting question. I cannot wait to hear what listeners think.
- [19:38]
B
Yes.
- [19:38]
A
Do you agree with our advice? Have you dealt with trust in a relationship? How do you think of secrecy versus privacy? Have you worked out a disagreement or different perspective with a partner? We can all learn from each other. Send us your thoughts, responses, experiences to the sinceuspodcast.com it's an interesting question.
- [20:03]
B
As you know, Valentine's Day is just a few days away, and we were thinking about what it brings up for people and how differently we all think about this holiday. So we asked you, when it comes to Valentine's Day, which do you prefer? Grand romantic gestures, a quiet casual evening, or ignoring the holiday altogether? And this kind of surprised me a little bit. Grand romantic gestures was 10%, quiet casual evening, 67% and ignoring the holiday altogether, 22%.
- [20:38]
A
I know. Interesting. So, Laurie, how about you? What's your category?
- [20:41]
B
I'm 100% in the 67% category. A quiet casual evening. And I think it changes over the course of your life. I think that when I was younger, I really loved going all out for Valentine's Day. I thought it was really fun to celebrate in that way. But as I've gotten older, it's much more meaningful. The quiet, casual evening, sometimes a dinner party with friends. Right. So I think it depends on where you are in the life cycle.
- [21:07]
A
For me, Valentine's Day really evolved into a family holiday. It wasn't really romantic. It was more like family. So instead of sending holiday cards around December, I would send holiday cards around Valentine's Day. We would have a holiday breakfast where I would dye the milk pink and cut toast into hearts and do it as a family instead of as a couple. But now I'm in the emptiness, slash open door phase of life. So maybe it's time to go back to observing a more romantic Valentine's Day. That could be something fun to add.
- [21:39]
B
Because there's often a lot of miscommunication in a couple where one person thinks the other person wants something that they don't actually want, and the second person then pretends to be happy with it so they don't offend the first person who went to all the trouble to create whatever they created. It's interesting. People try very hard to make the other person happy, but sometimes they don't know what the other person truly wants.
- [22:02]
A
One thing I would say is if you have an expectation like you really like a grand romantic gesture, tell somebody that. Don't wait for them to disappoint you and then be angry. If this is what you really want, say it. If you really want people to celebrate your birthday in a significant way, or it doesn't feel real unless somebody brings you flowers or whatever, I think a lot of times people assume that this is just what everybody does, and if you're not doing it, you're falling short. 22% of people say they want to ignore the holiday altogether. Miscommunication really can take the fun out of these things. Say what you want and give somebody the grace to please you.
- [22:41]
B
Yeah. And here's a sentence that I would recommend people not say to anyone on birthdays, Valentine's Day, any holiday. If you really knew me, you would know what I want. Because we're not mind readers and people can know you really well and still sometimes not be able to know exactly what you want. So if you have your heart set on something for this Valentine's Day, share that with the person you want it from.
- [23:07]
A
You know what I've noticed is that sometimes the people who care the most deeply are so worried about being disappointed that they say, I don't care. Oh, Mother's Day, Father's Day. That's not important to me. Oh, I don't care about the anniversary. Oh, I never make a big deal out of my birthday. When in fact, they really, they're very sad about that. If you explicitly say to somebody, this is not important to me. Do not be surprised then if they don't make a big deal out of it. Yes, I've seen that happen over and over again. You don't want to be disappointed so you pretend like you don't care.
- [23:36]
B
It's protection.
- [23:37]
A
It's protection. But you do care. And so you have to just be willing to say, you know what, it's important to me and I'm just going to be upfront about that.
- [23:44]
B
So we asked you what was your best or worst Valentine's Day and we got a bunch of both. Colleen said, my best have always been spent cozy at home with on brand Valentine's treats, dinner colors red and pink, etc. My worst was a whole other story. Many years ago, I tried to host a fun Valentine's dinner where we had heart shaped pizzas with a few other couples. One of the people invited felt it was a good time and place to discuss how he thought certain recent violent tragedies were fake. Needless to say, we enjoyed extra dessert for a few days. So time and place.
- [24:21]
A
Yes. Anya said my best was the year I was in the middle of my divorce. Surprising my incredible friends took my elementary aged boys to buy me gifts. My co workers left a fountain, Diet Coke and chocolate on my desk and my parents sent me flowers. I felt so seen and loved. This is a great reminder for us, all of us, for people who are going through a divorce or lost a partner or going through a big change, it's a good time to think. Maybe a thoughtful gesture would be really appreciated. That's a really lovely memory.
- [24:51]
B
Yeah. And in fact it was her best, so yes, it meant a lot to her. Yep. Holly said mine was the best as a child. This is what you were talking about, Gretchen, about creating a family Valentine's Day, my mom would make a cake and I'd get a new Barbie. The neighbor would always bring us small heart shaped boxes of chocolates and we'd get a party at school, exchange Valentine's and eat buttercream frosted sugar cookies. My worst was probably after a breakup in my 20s and feeling alone. That decade of our lives can be a dramatic time for some of us. And that's true. I love thinking about Valentine's Day and childhood because it reminds us that many people celebrate any kind of love. It's not just romantic love, it's parent child love. It's between friends. So it's just nice to have a day that celebrates love.
- [25:36]
A
Galentine's day has become a thing where you celebrate with your female friends. And the funny thing about Galentine's Day is it feels like it's been around forever, but it was actually invented by the television show Parks and recreation for their February 11, 2010 episode. And it just caught on because I think you're right. People really like the idea of thinking it's a day to celebrate all kinds of love. And Galentines is a really fun idea for something to celebrate.
- [26:01]
B
Yep. So Jade said. My best was last year my husband and I had a relaxing day in beautiful Sri Lanka. Worst Ex Husband Many years ago I spent $130 for Weight Watchers and was excited to start improving my health. He was so upset that he canceled Valentine's and my birthday also in February, saying he was too angry to celebrate because I had spent all of our money. He is a top paid professional in his job and I had a good job as well. Well, sounds like she's moved on from that one.
- [26:33]
A
Yes, Linda said. This one will be the worst. My husband was sick last Valentine's Day, but I brought him things and a special treat. He died two months later. Oh, that's really hard. We're gonna be talking about grief next week. This comment is a good reminder of how sometimes holidays can be especially hard. Especially painful. We will explore this more next week.
- [26:57]
B
Yeah, thank you Linda for sharing that with us. Bernice said, One of the best our church had the first post Covid service on February 14, 2021. It was so wonderful to see still masked and distanced the congregation together again. And also one of the worst the same weekend, February 2021 brought Texas a massive freeze and we had no electricity for five days beginning on Valentine's Day.
- [27:23]
A
Wow.
- [27:24]
B
So that's an example of our favorite mantra on this podcast, which is both and well.
- [27:29]
A
And it also reminds me that mishaps sometimes make the best memories. And so you're like, that's a Valentine's Day I will remember for the rest of my life. Nikki said, I think my best Valentine's Day was when our second child was about three months old and our oldest was almost three. I woke up in the morning and found carnations all over our apartment with pieces of a message tied to them together. The message was to pack a weekend bag for myself and the baby and a separate bag for our oldest. My husband came home from work, loaded us all in the car and drove us up north. We live in Michigan. We stopped at Drop off the oldest with his mom. We then drove to a hotel for the weekend. It was a sweet getaway for a tired Mama. What a wonderful, thoughtful, creative Valentine's Day that is.
- [28:14]
B
Pop. Yeah, yeah, that's a great one. And it just shows too, the thoughtfulness. I think it's when we talk about grand, romantic gestures, really what we're talking about is the thoughtfulness that goes into them. It's not how big the gesture is, it's how personal and thoughtful it feels.
- [28:30]
A
Yeah. And we hope all of you have whatever kind of Valentine's Day you want. After the break, we'll be back with some life changing advice from you. But first, this break. Lori, what I like about JLab is that no matter what your mood, there's a JLab headphone for everyone.
- [28:48]
B
Exactly. Whether I'm working out to music, listening to podcasts, or just trying to unwind, there's a JLab that fits and they deliver support, superior sound, smart design, and real value.
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A
The JBuds pods are a great example. Sleek stem design, 56 hours of playtime, and powerful noise canceling. What I appreciate is not having to think about charging them all the time. They just keep going.
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B
The JBuds Lux are another favorite. They've got 70 hours of playtime, hybrid active noise canceling and cloud foam cushions. I love how lightweight and comfortable they are, especially if you're listening all day.
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If you've ever wished that you could sit in on honest conversations between couples, the kind that usually happen behind closed doors, this is one worth listening to.
- [29:51]
A
Jay Shetty has a new Audible original series called Messy, Difficult Conversations for deeper connection. And it's not about perfect love. It's about practiced love.
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In each episode, Jay guides three couples as they work through real issues. Resentment, broken trust, old patterns that keep showing up. There's no script, no filters, and no certainty about how things will turn out.
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You're listening in as they navigate the complicated terrain of modern relationships. And through those coaching sessions, Jay shares tools you can actually use. Things like communicating with clarity and compassion, breaking cycles of blame and withdrawal, creating emotional safety and rebuilding trust.
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There are also moments about turning everyday interactions into rituals of appreciation, which feels especially relevant when relationships get busy or.
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Stressful, emotional, inspirational, and at moments, even transformational this is Messy Love.
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Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Difficult Conversations.
- [30:50]
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For deeper connection, go to audible.com messylove to start listening. Today, Cozy really clicked for us because Cozy furniture is designed to make your home comfortable, modern and practical. It's furniture that actually fits real life, not just how a room looks in photos.
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What stands out about Cozy is that it's designed to fit your space and your style because it's customized by you. Cozy focuses on smart design, adaptable style and comfort that can change over time, which matters when life doesn't stay the same.
- [31:22]
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That flexibility is huge. Cozy believes that you should have your home your way. Their modular furniture lets you change layouts, update colors, and adjust how things work without starting over. Plus, Cozy makes furniture shopping easier with free design consultants who help you get the most out of your space.
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And emotionally, Cozy really gets it. Life at home is not picture perfect. It's messy and busy and quiet all at once. Cozy furniture is designed to meet you where you are with pieces that shift when you need space. Hidden storage that helps with clutter and works. Washable fabrics that forgive everyday accidents.
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Cozy makes furnishing your home easy.
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Transform your living space today with cozy. Visit cozy.com spelled C O Z E Y the home of possibilities made easy. And we're back and by popular demand, we brought back a question that you all wanted to share more about. The first time we asked this in season one, we got an overwhelming number of responses and we shared some of them earlier. So go back and listen to those and here's the question. What is the most life changing advice that you ever received?
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But these are all so fascinating. Michelle said, never get up what you want most for what you want in the moment. I heard that my eighth grade year. It kept me motivated through high school, college, graduate school. I'm 46 now and still abide by it and have taught it to my own kids. Great reminder.
- [32:59]
B
It is, Christine said, Two of my favorites. People who choose the small version of their life will always warn you away from the big version of yours. And the second one, not everybody who is in your circle is in your corner.
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A
I love that. I've never heard that before.
- [33:17]
B
I have not. But that's very good to remember. Yeah.
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Shannon said, my dad always told me don't bring the problem solving stage into the decision making stage. Make a decision because it's a good one and then figure out how to solve problems as they come up. That is very clarifying.
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Yes it is. Because sometimes we think I don't have a solution yet, and so I can't make the decision.
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Yes.
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Yeah, right.
- [33:40]
A
Exactly.
- [33:41]
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Alexia Elizabeth has a quote, too. It says, once you stop doing things, you might never do them again. I read it in a book, and now I'm like, well, I better do the cartwheel or I may never do one again. I better do that water slide.
- [33:53]
A
I like that. I was just doing whistling because I'm like, I haven't whistled in a long time. I want to make sure I don't forget how to whistle.
- [33:59]
B
That is something that never crosses my mind.
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Use it or lose it. It might be the last time you do it. Sheila said, what I heard recently, the mental stress and exhaustion from expecting the worst is greater than the actual stress and exhaustion that would result if the worst happens. So quit worrying about what might happen. This reminds me of the phrase, the stewing is worse than the doing. Sometimes you're just better just to forge ahead and deal with it than to just worry, worry, worry.
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And in the therapy world, we say action is the antidote to anxiety. And Gudrun said, always take one step further than you dare. That one has encouraged me to take more risks, which I seldom or never regret doing. And when I'm going on a trip and thinking of everything that can go wrong, I think, but what if everything goes right? Because it usually does. I live in Iceland, so I love the one about the snow. Okay, so the one about the snow was something that another listener wrote in earlier, and it was this. And I love this. It said, if you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life, but still the same amount of snow.
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Hmm. I love that. Debbie said, I have two that I've always used with my children when they were growing up. First, say what you mean and mean what you say. Second, make your yes yes and your no no. That's very good advice.
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And Olivia said, my beloved mother used to say, give people the opportunity to say yes and take yes for an answer.
- [35:24]
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It's interesting that so many of these have to do with yes and no. Lindsay said, a boss told me this related to sales, but you can use it for anything. Control your controllables. That's great advice. And also, the opposite is true, which is, don't try to control something that's outside your control. Control what you can control, but don't drive yourself bonkers trying to control the uncontrollable.
- [35:45]
B
And it's such a great, pithy way of saying it. I'm gonna remember that Eileen said, stop going to the hardware store to buy milk. If someone can't give you what you want or need, don't expect them to.
- [35:56]
A
I love that way of phrasing it. That's such a great line.
- [35:59]
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We call it going to the dry well. Don't go to the well where you know there's no water.
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A
Right?
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Right.
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Granya said you have to be your own knight in shining armor because no one is coming to save you. True. Yep.
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And Angie said, blowing out someone else's candle won't make yours burn brighter.
- [36:18]
A
That's good. Joanne said, something I've learned as I've gotten older than not everyone needs to know what I think. Sometimes it's just better to keep my mouth shut and move on. Wow, Joanne. I remind myself of that often. I don't need to weigh in on, oh, there's a typo there, or whatever. They don't need to know what I think.
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That's right. And Ruth said, my Polish friend says the day is wiser than the night. I think she's saying the decisions you make during the day are gonna be better than the ones you make when you're tired at night. How do you interpret that?
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No, exactly. And that's actually really true. The research shows that people's self mastery and decision making ability really does wear down over the course of the day. There's really sobering research about how being tired or hungry affects people's decision making for the worse. This is just a very elegant way of saying it. The day is wiser than the night. We make better decisions when we're well rested and well fed. And then she has a second one. And I'm not sure how to pronounce this correctly, but it's shy Bairn's getting out, which is Northern English vernacular, meaning if you don't ask, you don't get.
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B
And that reminds me of a favorite piece of advice that I once got, which is the answer to an unasked question is always no. So if you don't ask, you don't get.
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A
So thanks everybody. These are so fascinating. It's time to take a quick break and then we'll answer a new question about the pressure to create a certain kind of family.
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China is changing the way people bank Fee free and smarter banking built for you. Not like old school banks that charge you overdraft and monthly fees.
- [37:51]
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Chime isn't just another banking app. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people. With products like MyPay giving you access to up to $500 of your paycheck anytime and getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit. Some old banks still don't do this.
- [38:07]
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Forget overdraft fees, minimum balance fees and monthly fees.
- [38:10]
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And Chime turns everyday spending into real rewards in progress.
- [38:14]
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Bank free overdraft coverage you can count on helps you build credit history stress free. Get paid when you say up to $500 earn up to 3% APY on savings 8 times higher than a traditional bank. Rated 5 stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans 247 and they have the Chime Card.
- [38:33]
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It's the new way to build credit history with your own money and get rewarded every single day. No annual fees, no interest and no strings attached. And when you get qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5% cash back on eligible Chime Card purchases. My younger self would have benefited from this, especially the paycheck part. I can see how having more control there would change the whole week. Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking free today. It takes just a few minutes to to sign up. Head to chime.com since you asked that is chime.com since you asked. I tried a few pieces from Quince recently because I'm always looking for clothes that making getting dressed feel simpler. Not fuzzy, not precious. Just the kind of thing you can wear on a normal day and still feel pulled together. I cannot tell you how much I am loving my new cashmere sweater. It is a staple for sure.
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Quince is all about elevating the settlement essentials that feel effortless. Designed for layering and mixing, each piece helps build a timeless wardrobe made to last with versatile silhouettes and thoughtful details. They're the kind of styles you wear again and again. They've got the wardrobe staples with quality that's made to last 100%. Organic cotton sweaters Premium denim made with stretch for all day comfort luxe cotton cashmere blends perfect for the changing seasons. I have a few of those. Everything you need for a wardrobe that.
- [39:57]
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Actually lasts and Quince works directly with safe ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just high quality clothing. Quince uses the highest quality materials like 100% European linen and organic cotton. Everything is built to hold up season after season.
- [40:13]
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Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com since you ask for free shipping on your order and 365 day return returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com since you asked to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com since you asked I'm always trying.
- [40:36]
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To reduce the part of work that quietly eats your day. The follow ups, the organizing, the cleanup after the meeting. I started using Notion Agent for that kind of busy work and it took a bunch of steps off my plate.
- [40:48]
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Notion brings all your notes, docs and projects into one connected space that just works. It's seamless, flexible, powerful and actually fun to use. With AI built right in, you spend less time switching between tools and more time creating great work.
- [41:01]
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And now with Notion Agent, your AI doesn't just help with work, it finishes it.
- [41:06]
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Notion Agent can do anything you can do in Notion. It can tap into your Notion workspace, the web and connect tools like Slack and Google Drive to complete assigned actions end to end so you can focus on the hard decisions.
- [41:18]
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So instead of staring at a to do list, you can hand off the tedious parts and come back to something organized and ready to go.
- [41:24]
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And since it's all inside Notion, you're always in control. You tell your agent how to behave and then it will remember and update memories automatically. Everything your agent does is editable and transparent. You can always undo changes so you can trust it with your important work.
- [41:38]
A
Try Notion now with notion agent@notion.com since you ask.
- [41:43]
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That's all lowercase letters. Notion.com since you asked to try your new AI teammate notion agent today and when you use our link you're supporting.
- [41:53]
A
Our show notion.com since you asked.
- [42:04]
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And we're back. Last week we left you with a question to ponder and like many of the questions we discuss on the show, it seems specific. But it can be applied to many situations. And here is the question this person.
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Wants to be Anonymous As a mother of two young kids, three and under, I am feeling self imposed pressure to establish traditions now that will make the seasons magical for them this year and every year. But as a result all our weekends and free time have quickly filled up. I already feel badly for over scheduling us and I feel that I may have gone overboard. I am craving quiet still time. Yet I can see that I have taken us in the opposite direction. How can I balance my competing desire to do it all and create magical memorable moments with my intuition that little kids just want quality time together? How can I get my extra tendencies under control without worrying that my kids will be missing out? This is a very common issue where parents worry that they're just not doing enough or that they need to be going that extra mile. But then it becomes too much.
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And I think sometimes they do it because they're looking all around them and they imagine whether it's on social media or just around their neighborhood, everybody's doing all these things and I feel the pressure to do that. And sometimes they're doing it because they want to create a childhood that either they had and loved and they want to make sure their kids have that experience or that they didn't have. And they worry that their kids will miss out on this fantasy that they never had themselves. And I think that gets especially heightened around the holidays. She's talking about the seasons here, but I think it's an all year round question as well.
- [43:39]
A
One thing to remember is that doing nothing is doing something. There is so much research about the value of daydreaming and boredom and having that quiet time. And at this age especially, they're gonna remember very little. Your mood, your sense of calm and energy will set the weather for them far more than any kind of extra experience. So especially with children so young, I think it's much more about the pacing of it and the little family moments, not the big spectacular moments.
- [44:10]
B
Yeah, she's talking about traditions, but I think traditions can be all kinds of things. They don't have to be elaborate to be magical. What do kids remember? They remember we had pancakes on Sunday mornings, or we had family game night or movie night. We did bedtime songs. Even things like at the dinner table. What was your rosebud and thorn at the beginning of a meal or before bed? We used to do that in our family. Those are things that were really meaningful and they're small and they're not these big productions, but they're the kinds of things that ground you and anchor you in your childhood.
- [44:42]
A
Well, also, I think that there's an expectation that some people have, which is I need to figure it all out and establish it. But a lot of times family traditions arise specifically spontaneously. It's the little jokes. It's the thing that you do a few times, and then it's like, we always have pancakes on Sunday morning. You're like, oh, we've done it three times. But I guess now it's the tradition. You want there to be room for your family's natural moments and experiences that happen in the moment. This isn't an assignment that you have to check every box or else it won't happen. Part of the fun is seeing these things accrue over time as you have family life together.
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Right. So what's our Advice. So maybe the first thing is look over the year and think about what traditions might really matter to you. And they can be the little ones that we just talked about, like the Sunday mornings, or it can be the bigger ones. What do I want Thanksgiving to be like? And so instead of thinking every day, am I doing enough? Are they having the childhood that I want them to have? Focus on how you scaffold throughout the year. What is important. You can have unplanned downtime where new things will come up.
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Yes, because if you get very over controlling and anxious and wanting to do a million things and having a lot of errands and things to do and wanting people to behave in a certain way, you can start getting very resentful and very tightly wound. That's not fun. It's supposed to be these fun moments and don't put so much pressure on yourself. I do think that a lot of it comes from seeing that other people are doing it and thinking, I don't want my children to miss out. Or if this is a really fun idea, really important, then I should do it too. There's no end to what you could do. So, yeah, I think you're right. Choose the things that are really important to you. Pick your moments and allow for a lot of downtime. That's valuable too. You don't frame a photograph of everybody just puttering around the house. But puttering around the house is important.
- [46:32]
B
Those are some of the best memories, actually. And Gretchen, when you say downtime, I think we're talking about downtime for the mom as well, right?
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A
Oh, yeah.
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The parents need downtime too. And you don't want your kids to remember you as always stressed, always anxious about things. They want to see that you have a balanced life and that you can enjoy yourself and enjoy yourself in the context of the family. Sometimes it's just everyone's sitting on the couch reading a book and you're all reading your own thing, or everyone's in the same space and everyone's doing different things, but you're in the same general area in the house.
- [47:05]
A
And the thing is, if you do keep ratcheting up expectations on yourself and others, then all these things, they can become really, really burdensome. And then you're dreading the holidays. I know somebody where they would have birthday month, the month of your birthday. It was this endless set of celebrations. Maybe that works for that family, but it also sounds like a lot of effort and time and energy. So you want to keep it reasonable. But what do people think? I think this comes up in all different kinds of of context. Anniversaries, dinner parties, Valentine's Day. We've just been talking about Valentine's Day, all the different holidays listeners, how do you think about this? How do you find the right balance between having fun with traditions and special memories and then not letting them be.
- [47:47]
B
Overwhelming and letting downtime and spontaneity be a part of it as well?
- [47:53]
A
So we want to hear from you. Send us a note@theseenseouspodcast.com let us know. Have you ever felt too much pressure to make something extra special? And what did you do about it? What was your experience? We'd love to know.
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And before we go, we have a question for you to weigh in on that we will be talking about next week. And this is such a modern day problem and it's something that many people are trying to figure out in the age of AI. And it's from Crystal and she wrote this.
- [48:22]
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My husband discovered ChatGPT six months ago and it's gotten kind of intense. He's a software engineer, so I get that he's drawn to it, but now he consults it about everything. Our arguments, parenting decisions, even what to say to me when I'm upset. He'll literally pause mid conversation to ask the AI for advice. Part of me is glad he's trying to work on himself and communicate better, but it feels like there is a third presence in our marriage now. When I told him this bothered me, he showed me a chatgpt analysis of my complaint. He was so earnest, like, see, it says you're feeling unheard and that's valid. The irony. I'm a speech pathologist, so I spend all day thinking about human connection. Maybe that's why this bugs me. People journal, people call friends. Is this really that different? Or is he literally outsourcing our relationship instead of sitting with discomfort and figuring out his own feelings? Is this actually concerning or do I just need to get over my resistance to AI? Well, this is a modern day problem. This is a new problem.
- [49:27]
B
Yeah.
- [49:28]
A
Many people are dealing with this challenge.
- [49:31]
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Many people are wondering where does AI fit into their relationships, if at all? Can it be useful? Can it be detrimental? And we're going to talk about all of this next week. But in the meantime, send us your thoughts about this at these since you ask podcast.com.
- [49:48]
A
And that's it for today. We have so many interesting points to ponder, so please send us your questions, big or small. We read them all. We love to hear what challenges you're dealing with.
- [49:58]
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And of course. Tell your friends about the podcast. You all know how I feel about word of mouth. It's how I find my podcast. And I hope that it's how some of our new listeners will find the podcast. If you're learning something from this, or you just enjoy hearing the advice, please tell your friends. Friends about since you asked, Remember, whether.
- [50:14]
A
This podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.
- [50:25]
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Since you Asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.
- [50:32]
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We may use it on the show.
- [50:33]
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And edit it for length or clarity.
- [50:35]
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Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happy Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.