Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin

Episode: Should Your Spouse Tell You If They’re Meeting Up with an Ex? Plus: Valentine’s Day Expectations
Date: February 10, 2026
Podcast Host: Lemonada Media

Episode Overview

This episode tackles listener questions about trust and transparency in relationships, particularly whether spouses should disclose ongoing contact with exes. Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist, and Gretchen Rubin, a happiness researcher, share their perspectives and invite listener stories to illustrate how trust, secrecy, privacy, and communication intersect. Later, they explore real-life Valentine’s Day experiences and discuss managing the pressure to create “magical” family memories, wrapping up with the most life-changing advice listeners have received.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Should Your Spouse Tell You If They’re Meeting Up with an Ex?

Timestamp: 11:02 – 19:33

• Listener Question:
  Paola discovers her husband has met his ex-girlfriend annually for coffee on the anniversary of her father’s death, throughout their marriage, and never mentioned it. She asks if she’s right to be disturbed, and whether asking him to stop would make her “the bad guy.”

• Lori’s Take:

  • The issue is less about the meeting itself and more about trust and intentional omission.
  • Even if the husband’s story is innocent, “it seems very unlikely that he just kind of forgot to mention this… it would have come up” (13:13).
  • Not telling the truth can create bigger problems than addressing the issue openly.

• Gretchen’s Take:

  • She initially felt she wouldn’t be bothered, as her own husband often forgets to mention details.
  • However, her husband Jamie found it “really strange”: “Are you bonkers? Of course I would tell you. This is really strange.” (14:04)
  • Concludes omission over eight years seems deliberate.

• Key Advice:

  • “Sometimes to ask a question is to answer it.” (15:20)
  • “If you don’t have a problem you can say, ‘I don’t have a problem with you having lunch with her once a year. What bothers me is that it seems like the kind of thing that was intentionally hidden from me. And so I want to hear the whole truth.’” — Lori (15:51)
  • Important points to discuss:
    • When did the meetings start?
    • Why wasn’t it shared?
    • How would he feel if she saw an ex annually without telling him?

• Secrecy vs. Privacy:

  • Lori: “There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy. …Secrecy is when you are hiding something that is relevant to a relationship.” (17:17)
  • Each couple has to define that line for themselves; expectations can differ wildly.
  • Gretchen observes that people shouldn’t assume the worst, but the context and pattern matter.

2. Valentine’s Day: Expectations and Experience

Timestamp: 20:03 – 28:29

• Listener Poll:

  • Grand romantic gestures – 10%
  • Quiet, casual evening – 67%
  • Ignore the holiday – 22%

• Gretchen:

  • Valentine’s Day has evolved from romance to a family-centric celebration for her. Considers making it more romantic now she’s an “empty nester.”

• Lori:

  • Prefers a low-key celebration, which changed with age. “I think it changes over the course of your life.” (20:40)

• Discussion:

  • Miscommunication around expectations creates disappointment; people need to state clearly if they want grand gestures or to celebrate in a certain way.
  • “If you really knew me, you would know what I want”—not a helpful expectation; clear communication is better. (22:40)
  • Some pretend not to care about holidays to avoid disappointment, but this can backfire.

• Listener Stories:

  • Happy childhood memories centered on family, not just couples.
  • Galentine’s Day, invented by Parks and Recreation, is highlighted as a fun, inclusive new tradition.
  • Reflects on how experiences change—good, bad, or mixed (“both and”)—with examples ranging from surprise getaways to poignant memories of loss.

3. Listener Letters: Openness About Family Origins

Timestamp: 4:39 – 10:56

• Updates from Season 1: Listeners respond to advice about disclosing donor origins to children.

• Overarching Advice:

  • Be open and honest; secrets eventually come out (e.g., via DNA testing).
  • Early, age-appropriate disclosure is best for trust and family cohesion.
  • “When it comes to big family secrets, our advice is disclose. Please disclose.” — Gretchen (10:56)

• Listener Quotes:

  • “The avoidance is something that people tend to do… The problem is that the longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be.” — Lori (06:28)
  • “If it’s never a secret, …it feels very different from something that you learn much later.” — Gretchen (08:46)

4. The Pressure to Create “Magical” Family Traditions

Timestamp: 42:17 – 47:47

• Listener Question:
  A mother of two feels overwhelmed by the self-imposed pressure to constantly create “magical” experiences for her young children, filling every weekend with activities instead of allowing downtime.

• Key Insights:

  • Gretchen: “Doing nothing is doing something.” Quiet time, boredom, and small moments matter for children’s wellbeing. (43:39)
  • Lori: Traditions don’t have to be elaborate; the smallest, most consistent experiences often matter most (e.g., pancakes on Sunday, bedtime songs). (44:10)
  • Family traditions often arise spontaneously, not through orchestration.
  • Too much pressure on oneself erodes enjoyment and makes memories stressful.

• Advice:

  • Choose a few meaningful traditions rather than trying to do everything.
  • Build in down time for both children and parents.
  • Let natural family moments become traditions.

5. Life-Changing Advice From Listeners

Timestamp: 32:41 – 37:39

• Listeners share personal mottos and maxims. Highlights include:
  • “Never give up what you want most for what you want in the moment.” — Michelle (32:41)
  • “People who choose the small version of their life will always warn you away from the big version of yours.” — Christine (32:59)
  • “Don’t bring the problem-solving stage into the decision-making stage.” — Shannon (33:20)
  • “Control your controllables.” — Lindsey (35:24)
  • “Stop going to the hardware store to buy milk.” — Eileen (35:45)
  • “You have to be your own knight in shining armor.” — Granya (36:03)
  • “The day is wiser than the night.” — Ruth (36:36)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On trust, exes, and omission:
  “When you don’t tell the truth, you’re creating a much bigger problem than if you tell the truth and then try to work with what is.” — Lori (13:44)

• On secrecy vs. privacy:
  “Secrecy is when you are hiding something that is relevant to a relationship.” — Lori (17:17)

• On communicating needs in relationships:
  “If you have your heart set on something for this Valentine’s Day, share that with the person you want it from.” — Lori (22:40)

• On childhood and tradition:
  “Doing nothing is doing something.” — Gretchen (43:39)

• On meaningful advice:
  “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” — Ruth (37:21)

Important Segment Timestamps

• [11:02] Listener letter: husband’s yearly secret meetings with ex
• [13:13] Lori unpacks the trust issue: importance of disclosure
• [14:04] Jamie’s (Gretchen’s husband) “are you bonkers?” reaction
• [17:17] Secrecy vs. privacy in relationships
• [20:03] Survey results—how do people want to spend Valentine’s Day?
• [22:40] On communicating expectations for holidays
• [32:41] Listeners’ most life-changing advice
• [42:17] Listener question: pressure to create the “magical” family
• [43:39] “Doing nothing is doing something”—the value of downtime

Listener Engagement

• The hosts encourage ongoing listener feedback and sharing of advice, stories, and questions through their website, fostering an interactive and empathetic community.
• Each episode ends with a preview of next week’s questions—including, in this case, the role of AI (like ChatGPT) in relationships.

Summary

This episode of Since You Asked deftly combines practical relationship advice with warmth, humor, and real-world examples. It encourages direct communication in marriage, openness in families, and realistic expectations around holidays and traditions, expertly blending expert opinion with crowdsourced wisdom. The show’s welcoming style—highlighted by memorable quotes and open listener dialogue—offers comfort and clarity for anyone grappling with similar dilemmas.