← Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
What If Your Father Is Having a Baby With Someone Your Age? Plus: David Duchovny Gives US Advice!
00:37:44
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- [00:00]
A
Hey everybody, it's Hoda Kotb and I would love for you to join me for new episodes of my podcast Making Space. Each week I'm having conversations with authors, actors, speakers and dear friends of mine, folks who are seeking the truth, compassion and self discovery. I promise you will leave these talks stronger and inspired to make space in your own life for growth and change. To start listening, just search Making Space wherever you get your podcasts and and follow for new episodes every Wednesday.
- [00:32]
B
Lemonade we have a question dealing with some complicated family dynamics.
- [00:40]
A
My father, who is in his 60s, just had a baby with his partner who is almost 30 years younger than he is and closer in age to me than to him. Should I confront him on how it has made me feel?
- [00:50]
B
Sometimes it's hard to accept that our parents are adults.
- [00:55]
A
It is a situation that many people would find difficult.
- [00:58]
B
I think first of all, she needs to understand what her objection is. Hey Gretchen, hey Laurie, and hello since you Askers. This is the since you Ask podcast where we take your questions about matters big and small and suggest our best advice. I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist and the author of maybe youe Should Talk to Someone. I also write the Ask the Therapist column for the New York Times.
- [01:29]
A
And I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness and human nature, among other things. I've created my four Tendencies Personality Framework to find out if you're an upholder, questioner, obliger, or rebel. Take the free quiz@gretchenrubin.com and today is a special episode for us because we are already at the end of season one of since youe Asked. We're wrapping up our first season with this episode and we want to thank all of you so much for supporting the show by giving advice, asking for advice, responding to our polls, and weighing in on other people's dilemmas. And of course, for telling your friends about the show. After today's episode, we'll be back with a new season in the new year, so let's get some advice going to hold you over until then.
- [02:16]
B
And to start, we have some updates to earlier advice and then we'll jump into new questions about how honest to be with a friend whose Botox might be making her look kind of weird, whether or not to attend your high school reunion, what to do when you have complicated feelings about your father's much younger new wife, and life changing advice from a few of our friends and you, our listeners, that you want to share with the since you ask community.
- [02:42]
A
But first, we heard back from Tanya who last week asked for our advice about her concerns that her overindulgent mother in law was a problem for the grandkids. Here's her update. Thank you for the helpful feedback. I really appreciated the reminder that these moments are fleeting and I need to focus more on the happy memories my kids are making. I feel much better knowing that kids crave structure and won't get spoiled or resent their parents if they're routinely indulged elsewhere. I'm not quite suggesting that the kids will turn into Machiavellian tyrants here, but what prompted my question? Was my nephew occasionally lying to grandma and in order to go places and get things without his parents permission? After hearing your thoughts, I realized that this pattern is more likely stemming from other things in his life and less from an over obliging grandparent. That being said, I still agree that some boundaries need to be set and I need to be less manipulated myself into giving in to some of the overindulgences that don't align with my own family values. Thanks again for all your help. That's wonderful.
- [03:44]
B
I love that Tonya took all the different pieces of the advice and is really thinking about those. And we also heard back from the listener who wrote in about how to handle the coworker who used her outbox as a communal candy dish that left her feeling tempted as she was trying to eat less sugar. We gave her some suggestions which you can go back and listen to in episode eight. And here is her update.
- [04:09]
C
Thank you, Gretchen and Laurie for offering such insightful advice to my workplace dilemma, the dreaded public candy dish. After considering your advice and that of my sister, I ultimately leaned into one of Gretchen's secret of adulthood. What's fun for other people may not be fun for me. Who am I to take away people's joy of having a workplace treat? And the colleague who diligently fills the outbox with candy must feel generous and satisfied by delivering a bit of sweetness to People's Day. We're all adults in the office and can make our own decisions about the candy. As a moderator, I've grown less and less tempted to partake and save my sweet treats for high quality opportunities. Your response helped me clarify who I want to be in this situation and I appreciate it. I'm loving the podcast. Keep up the good work.
- [05:01]
B
Well, we love that she loves the podcast and also we talked about how you and I are abstainers, not moderators. So I I don't have any Diet Coke. You don't have any sugar. I have lots of sugar. You have lots of Diet Coke. But we don't do anything in the middle. And she knows that. She's a moderator and she's able to regulate her candy intake that way. So that's great to hear.
- [05:23]
A
Yeah. And that it was clarity. I think so often getting clarity is really the thing that helps us to take the action that feels right for us.
- [05:31]
B
Yes, yes. And we also heard back from our listener Molly in response to a question in episode six. Our listener wanted advice about how to handle her friend who often one ups her in conversation. Here's Molly's take on what might work based on a similar situation in her own family.
- [05:48]
C
My brother has a tendency to do that constantly. One family setting his son in law was telling a story. Everybody was listening and my brother started to interject and start talking about his experience. His son in law held up his hand, told him that I am not done speaking and that he should be quiet. Then his son in law finished his story in about three or four words, looked at my brother and said, I'm finished. You can speak now. It worked perfectly. And I've never seen my brother shut up like that. And it was all done politely and we all were impressed.
- [06:22]
A
You know, that's interesting because I've heard that advice before, but this is somebody who actually saw it in action and can report that, yes, this approach works really well and it came across politely. It wasn't an aggressive way to stop. Though I do wonder if the fact that it was his son in law maybe contributed to the fact that it worked so well.
- [06:40]
B
The dynamics might be a little bit different there, but it's still worth a try.
- [06:44]
A
Absolutely. Now, moving on to some new advice. Last week we left you with this question to think about. It's short. It's from an anonymous listener who asks, how do you tell one of your closest friends that their Botox and fillers are getting out of hand? That they don't look prettier and younger, they just look freakier? Or do you just shut up and let them be? This is a tricky situation.
- [07:16]
B
It's one of those delicate situations of wanting to have honesty in our closest relationships. And what's the point where honesty might veer into causing someone pain versus helping them to see something that might be valuable for them?
- [07:29]
A
Right. It's one thing to tell a hard truth, that they're doing something that's truly dangerous. Like you think that they're drinking and driving too much or acting in a way that pushes people away, like the one upper that we were talking about. But here it's not clear that she's doing anything dangerous or destructive, because everybody has a different idea of what beauty looks like.
- [07:49]
B
And that's the thing. She may actually really like the way that she looks. So it's not like telling someone that they have spinach in their teeth where nobody really wants that. This is one of those things where she may just have a different aesthetic preference than you do. Right. It's like, if this friend got a haircut that she loved, but you thought it looked awful, would you tell her what you thought? How would that be helpful if she's happy with her appearance?
- [08:11]
A
You have to weigh the impact that saying something would have on your friendship versus the possible upside it might have for her. The fact is, if you say something and she does pull back on the Botox and fillers, but it makes her feel humiliated or it leaves an awkward feeling between the two of you, was it really worth it? Research shows that there's the sprays kill the messenger. And it really is true. People do tend to dislike people who are the bearers of bad news or who tell them unpleasant things. And so the idea that you could cause a rift in your friendship if you said something is real.
- [08:46]
B
I think we have to have some empathy, too. We can understand why somebody might go overboard. There's so much pressure in our culture to look younger than we are. Sometimes we fall into the trap of getting on the beauty treadmill, and we don't realize how fast we're running.
- [09:01]
A
It's also easy to fall into the trap of thinking, well, if a little is good, more is better. So it's like you get your teeth whitened, and then you want them to be whiter and whiter and whiter, and then you're left with these unnatural, blinding white teeth. And so it might be that as she's using these products, it's gradually becoming more and more exaggerated over time, and she doesn't realize it, but that's how it's looking to you. But as you said, Lori, maybe she likes it. It's a question of, do you want to risk saying to her, hey, I don't know if this is what you want. I think there are some things that maybe only a family member could say.
- [09:35]
B
I don't know. She said one of her closest friends. And personally, I think because families are so complicated, I think that it would be easier to hear from a close friend than from a family member, depending on your relationship with your family members.
- [09:48]
A
Oh, that would be such an interesting poll, Lori, we should do that. Yes, a thousand percent. I would rather hear it from a family member than from a friend.
- [09:57]
B
But you would want to hear it from Liz, right?
- [10:00]
A
Or any of them.
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B
Would you want your mom to say that to you?
- [10:03]
A
Oh, sure. And my mom would. Yeah, yeah.
- [10:06]
B
See, I would not want my mom to say that to me. I would rather have my closest friend say that to me. Gretchen, I would rather have you say that to me than my mom say that to me.
- [10:14]
A
Oh, see, that's so interesting. Okay, we've got to do. Okay, next season we're going to do a poll on this because I think that's really interesting because this goes to how people have a different view of their responsibilities and what they think others would expect from them.
- [10:28]
B
Well, to be clear, I'm not suggesting that the friend do this in this situation. I'm just saying if I were to hear some kind of comment about my appearance, I think because I would hear it from my family as maybe criticism and my mom, by the way, would not be criticizing me. She'd be trying to help me. But I would probably hear it as criticism. So what's our advice in this situation going back to how does the friend feel about it? I would listen to see how this friend talks about her appearance. Does she tend to feel good about herself? In that case, say nothing. But if she makes negative comments about her appearance, right. Like you know how there are people who are self deprecating about their appearance or they're saying, oh, I wish I looked this way. Yeah, and you can tell that they're not happy with their appearance. Then you might gently ask some questions like do you think you might feel better if you did a little less of the Botox and you can find some common ground? Again, we were talking about the pressure by saying something like, I think about getting older too and I'm trying to do things that make me feel good about my appearance and I like doing that with makeup or hairstyle. And what do you think would make you feel good? So I just think having some empathy and also listening to hear how she talks about her own appearance will help guide you to figure out whether or not you should say something and how.
- [11:48]
A
So the bottom line is if she's happy, you can leave it alone. If she doesn't seem happy, then be supportive without being judgmental and weigh the cost and the potential benefit of weighing in. I can't wait to hear what. Since you askers think about this one, it's a tough issue. Let us know what you think, what would you do in this situation? Have you ever faced a situation like this? Let us know at the since you ask podcast.com Next up, we will be back with some thoughts on high school reunions. But first, this break.
- [12:22]
B
There's only one of you, Gretchen. Only so many hours, only so much focus. But what if you had a teammate who worked just like you, with all your context, only faster?
- [12:31]
A
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B
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- [12:59]
A
And now with Notion Agent, your AI doesn't just help us work, it finishes it. It can tap into your Notion workspace, the web, and connected tools like Slack and Google Drive to complete actions end to end so you can focus on.
- [13:11]
B
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- [13:29]
A
Trying to Notion now with notion agent@notion.com since you asked. That's all lowercase letters. Notion.com since you asked to try your new AI teammate notion agent today and when you use our link, you're supporting the show.
- [13:43]
B
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- [13:59]
A
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B
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- [14:53]
B
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- [15:06]
A
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- [15:20]
B
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A
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- [15:41]
B
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- [16:02]
B
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- [16:57]
A
So the question was, do you go to your high school reunions or not? Why or why not? So overall, 28% of people said yes and 72% of people said no. I was staggered by this, Lori.
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B
Me too. I was so surprised this number is so low.
- [17:16]
A
People go to your high school reunions. Let's get those numbers up. I'm a big fan of reunions, so.
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B
I was astonished that it was so low, too. But to me, that meant that high school was a really confusing, complicated time for many of us and that maybe it's not the celebratory, fun, nostalgic experience that it might be for the 28% that said yes. So let's look at our responses.
- [17:41]
A
Yeah. Coming in on the no. People are definitely chiming in, agreeing with the things that Lori just said. Susan said, no. Never. I was not my best self in high school, and I was not very pro social in high school. Very depressed and not terribly adaptable to adversity. Not a time in my life I really want to remember. Being around old friends in frenemies from high school might dredge up some negative feelings for me. Okay, so it's very much along lines of what you were saying.
- [18:06]
B
Yeah. And Deborah said, I attended my 50th just hoping the bullies and cliques had grown up. What a disappointment. Unfortunately, they still thought they were better than everyone else and even went as far as getting a group picture of only one group of adults that had gone to the same elementary school. See, I would read that a little bit differently. So our high school, four elementary schools fed into the one high school, and each elementary school, you were with those kids for a long time, and maybe they just wanted a picture of the people they went to elementary school with. But if they were acting clicky and they were better than everyone else, that's another issue.
- [18:41]
A
Right. That's a good point. It might feel very exclusive and we're better than you, but to the people doing it, it might be like, oh, how hilarious that we've known each other for such a long time. Kristen said, I don't. I'm a military brat that only went to my high school for two and a half years and never found my people. I live in the same town now, and my oldest goes to the same high school. But it feels weird to want to go to my reunion when I didn't have a solid connection to people who had been in school together since kindergarten. It's true, if you come in later, you might not have that same feeling as the people who are there longer?
- [19:14]
B
Joanne said, no. I was bullied by everyone in my grade for being deaf throughout my school years. Once I turned 16, I left it all behind for good. That's really hard.
- [19:24]
A
Those are painful memories, so it's very understandable you don't want to revisit. Collins said school reunions aren't as common in the uk, at least among my peers. We tried to plan one for our 20 year mark in 2020, but the pandemic had other ideas. When I recently floated the idea again, a friend remarked it might just turn into a comparison of success, which struck a chord. Success looks different for everyone. A teacher shaping young minds, a builder running his own firm, or a project manager in finance and tech like me. It's a shame when we lose sight of that. Reunions should be about reconnecting, celebrating diverse journeys and learning from each other, not competing. I have to say in my experience, that's what reunions are like. But not everybody feels that way.
- [20:07]
B
Yeah. And some people might go in because they're comparing on their own. They're going into the reunion thinking I'm comparing myself to everybody else privately in their own mind, and then they don't feel good. Yes. So I think it's about the mindset with which you go into the reunion.
- [20:21]
A
Absolutely. And I think that is really true. I've noticed that with reunions that people going through a tough time often don't feel like going and weighing in with the yes responses. Lorna said, I do. We started gathering at years 5, 10, 15 and now every 10 years. As time passed, the cliques, the cheerleaders and athletes, even the invisible people, these identities faded and all became real people. Facebook reconnected most of us. Why do we go to reunions? We lost touch. People move, have families, new jobs, life challenges. What is so surprising is the depth of friendship I have now are deeper than whatever we had on the playground in high school or university. We are now in our 70s. Some people passed young. Who knows who will be left in five, 10, 20 years. I treasure the new, deeper reconnections, some from third grade. Those are long standing relationships.
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B
Yeah, they really are. And there's something about people who knew you at that age that is very.
- [21:15]
A
Special and it can't be replaced by any other relationship.
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B
And Kimberly said, I do. Just had my 35th a month ago. They're a group of people that for a moment in time we had the same music, interacted with the same people, same world events. It's Fun to just be for a moment. I definitely wasn't in the popular group or anything like that. It's nice to see that that all goes to the wayside with age. So that's what I'm talking about, about that moment in time that you're experiencing with people. You really can't replace that.
- [21:44]
A
It's true. And then Sarah says, yeah, every Saturday, I was homeschooled. That's different.
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B
That's funny. Yeah, that is very different. So, Gretchen, have you gone to every reunion that you've had for your high school?
- [21:56]
A
Some of them I've missed. I was very sad recently. It was freshman visiting day for my daughter Eleanor, so I had to miss a high school reunion. I took a year off in college, and so I go to the reunions for both of my graduating classes, because it turns out you can go to any reunion you want if you just buy a ticket. So I go to high school reunions, two college reunions. I go to my law school reunion, and I also go to Jamie's law school reunion year because I had so many friends in his class. And so I am just going to reunions a lot. I find that the experience of most people is that all those differences wash away. People are much nicer now than they were back then. You feel this level of intimacy because you knew each other when you were young, and you have all those shared experiences, like the music and the world events. And there's just an ease that you feel with people, even people you didn't know then and you don't know now. Now, of course, it's not true for everyone. And if you had a very bitter experience, I can see why you wouldn't want to go back to it. But if you haven't gone, think about it, because I do get a huge happiness boost from it. And I think it really does reenergize friendships that are irreplaceable because they started in the past. How about you, Laurie?
- [23:02]
B
I have a really interesting story from a reunion that I went to about 10 years ago from my high school. Somebody there who was not treated well by somebody else there had a really interesting moment where the person who didn't treat her well actually came up to her and explained that she was going through a really hard time and was really unhappy with herself and took it out on this other person and felt terrible about it and wished that she had apologized earlier. Ooh. And it was a really meaningful moment. It didn't change the amount of pain that this person experienced, but it gave her a new perspective that when you're in high school, you think it's me or why is this person being so mean to me? And it feels so exclusionary. And it was nice to see for her that this other person has gotten over themselves and also that this person was struggling too. Sometimes I think that when we have these wounds from the past, we're not aware that other people were going through a hard time too. It just didn't look like it.
- [23:54]
A
Also that the person took responsibility for it. So it's interesting a lot of people responded to this one. Coming up, we will answer a question about some complicated feelings that can come up when your father's new wife is about your age and has a new baby. That's after the break.
- [24:15]
D
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A
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A
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A
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B
This episode is sponsored by Career Fingerprint. When it comes time for a performance review or interview, most people forget half of what they have accomplished. You know you have done great work, but when you're in the moment, it can be hard to recall the details.
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B
Confidence is a habit. Get started today@mycareerfingerprint.com. And we're back. We have a question from Louisa, who's dealing with some complicated family dynamics which involves her father's new wife. She asks My father, who is in.
- [27:54]
A
His 60s, just had a baby with his partner who is almost 30 years younger than he is and closer in age to me than to him. This has made me feel anxious and angry, especially because he knew his adult children did not agree with this decision. It also upsets me because I've had to delay having children myself for work and health reasons. Even though he knows how my siblings and I feel, he is insistent on us accepting his new life and being active participants in it, pretending this is all normal. I know this is not the baby's fault and eventually I'll decide what kind of relationship I want to have with her. My question is, am I a bad person for wanting space and for setting boundaries with my father? Should I confront him on how it has made me feel? This is a tough situation.
- [28:42]
B
I think that sometimes it's hard to accept that our parents are adults and if this were a dangerous situation, like someone was taking advantage of your parent or something that felt harmful about it, that's one thing. But this is the person that he chose and they seem happy together and they're forming a life together. And I would want Louisa to think about if the situation were reversed and her father refused to, quote, accept the person that she was in love with and chose to marry, and then he wouldn't have a relationship with her baby because he imagined a different kind of spouse for her. Would she find that reasonable? And I think sometimes when you say, my father is an adult who can make these choices, I'm an adult who can make these choices, what good comes from saying, I wish that my father had a different wife, or your father wishes you had a different partner. It doesn't matter. That's the person that you chose. So I would want her to understand her feelings a little bit better. Is she feeling like she's been replaced? Because the person almost feels like a sibling to her and there's maybe some sibling rivalry going on? Is there some envy around the fact that this other woman has this baby? And Louisa has had to postpone that for numerous reasons. What is actually going on here in terms of her feelings? What are they about? Right.
- [30:08]
A
Well, it brings up all kinds of complicated feelings. And she says, am I a bad person? She's not a bad person for the way that she feels, but there's no need to confront her father.
- [30:18]
B
Well, what would she confront him about?
- [30:20]
A
She says they didn't agree with his decision, but that wasn't her decision to weigh in on.
- [30:27]
B
Exactly. It's not anybody else's decision who somebody else marries. And it doesn't sound like she's the mean stepmother. So often stepmothers get a bad rap. It seems like the issue is her age and not the actual person herself and what qualities she has as a person. Is she a nice person? Is she a good person? If her age were not an issue, would you have any issue with her?
- [30:50]
A
But I do think that it is a situation that many people would find difficult. And maybe it's unrealistic that he just thinks, okay, we'll just accept the situation. This is what it is. Louisa writes, he's insistent that we accept his new life and be active participants. So what I'm wondering is, is this, like, come over for Thanksgiving dinner every once in a while and let's have a family feeling, or is it more controlling and really more wanting you to be part of this in some way that doesn't recognize that you do feel complicated feelings about it?
- [31:24]
B
But I imagine that it might be uncomfortable for their mother and that the siblings might have some feelings on behalf of the mother that they're not even really aware of? And also, even if the age thing weren't there, it is always awkward when your parent marries someone else who's not your parent. It changes the whole dynamic of the family. So I Think that maybe she's focusing on the age, which I'm not saying isn't awkward, but at the same time, maybe there's other feelings about the fact that the father is married and has a new baby that's less about this woman and is more just about the new situation.
- [31:59]
A
Well, it's funny, I think we all expect, whether or not we think it's a good idea that parents will have their views on their children's choice of partner. But the fact is children have very strong views about their parents choice of partner. And I think some parents don't really expect that. But if it's your family, you're gonna have your thoughts. But Laurie, again, I wanna ask you about this specific language that Louisa uses. She says that she wants to, quote, set boundaries with her father. What do you think it would mean to set boundaries in this context?
- [32:29]
B
I think first of all, she needs to understand what her objection is. Is she dealing with envy? Is she dealing with disapproval, judgment? She needs to understand what those feelings are about instead of acting them out by not having a relationship with the father, his wife, and by the way, this very innocent baby. Because it's not really fair to take something out on the child because you don't like who the mother is.
- [32:56]
A
But it is true that sometimes people who are struggling with pregnancy, it's hard for them to be around babies, sometimes anybody's baby.
- [33:03]
B
Yes, I like that she's thinking about, hmm, what would I like my relationship to be with this baby? Sometimes it's hard in general to be around other people who have new babies when you're in that phase. But I would really think about, maybe there's room for something to develop there at a different time, in a different circumstance. But sometimes we just genuinely don't click with someone that someone in our family marries. So when your father says he wants you to be an active participant, you can choose in terms of boundaries, how much time you spend with them. So if you feel like I don't love being around them, I don't really click with this person, or I just don't like being around the awkward situation. You can choose how much time you want to spend, but that doesn't mean that you need to tell him that you don't approve of his wife, because nothing good will come of that. I think it's more about you deciding on your own, what kind of relationship do I want to have with them? That feels comfortable for me, knowing that I need to explore my own feelings about this and separate that out from the fact that this woman is 30 years younger.
- [34:05]
A
So what's our advice? I think, Lori, you just gave some really good advice right there. And it's helpful to remember that he doesn't get to set the terms of your relationships and you don't get to set the terms of his relationships. It's figuring out what are the expectations for connection that are realistic and acceptable.
- [34:22]
B
Right. And the one thing that you can talk to him about is to say, and this is not about his wife. I'm thinking about having a child and I've had to delay that. And it's really hard for me to be around new babies right now, and especially new babies so close in the family. So it may be a little hard for me. I'm going to need to also protect myself a little bit here while I'm going through this, just so he understands. And again, it's not about the wife. It's about your relationship with what you're going through with potential parenthood right now.
- [34:52]
A
Interesting. Well, I cannot wait to hear what listeners say because it's a tough situation.
- [35:02]
B
And now because we're taking a break between seasons, we want to leave you all with some shared advice that you can take with you in the meantime. So we asked you and some of our friends what is some life changing advice that you would like to share with this community? And here's what everyone had to say. We're going to start with our fellow podcaster David Duchovny. He has some advice to share. You all know him from his roles as FBI agent Fox Mulder in the X Files and writer Hank Moody in California Cation, both of which earned him Golden Globe Awards. He is also the host of the podcast Fail Better with David Duchovny. And his new show Malice premiered on November 14th, and you can stream all six episodes now on Amazon Prime Video. Here's what he had to say.
- [35:44]
A
I would say the piece of advice that I find myself giving over and.
- [35:47]
C
Over is that nothing is as good or as bad as it first seems.
- [35:54]
A
So that would just be advice around.
- [35:55]
B
Not overreacting to drama in the moment.
- [35:59]
A
Nothing is as good or as bad.
- [36:01]
C
As it first seems. Laurie.
- [36:03]
A
I love that advice and it reminds me of a famous teaching story that my mother always refers to. So there's a farmer who lives with his son in a little village and they find a horse and all the neighbors say, oh my gosh, you're so lucky. And he says, how do you know? And then the son is trying to ride the horse and he gets thrown off the Horse. And he breaks his leg. And. And the neighbors say, oh, you're so unlucky. And he says, how do you know? And then soldiers sweep through the village, and they conscript all the young men, but this son can't go with them because he's lying in bed with a broken leg. Then the neighbors say, ugh, you're so lucky. And the man says, how do you know? You don't know what's good or bad. It's a very helpful thing to remember.
- [36:45]
B
It is. And also in the moment, we're having these reactions, and I think when we look back on something, David's right. That nothing was as good or as bad as it first seemed.
- [36:55]
A
Mm. So this is what since you askers had to say, and people loved answering.
- [37:00]
B
This question, we got hundreds and hundreds of comments about this.
- [37:03]
A
So here were some interesting ones. On relationships, Sandra quotes Maya Angelou with a very famous line. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. That is very good advice.
- [37:15]
B
Yes. And Christine said, no is an answer. You don't have to say yes to everyone and everything. And as a corollary to that, some advice that people say a lot, which I love, is no is a complete sentence.
- [37:29]
A
Yes.
- [37:29]
B
We don't have to apologize. You don't have to give a whole rationale for why you said no.
- [37:33]
A
No works, no justifications necessary. Pam said, never take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from. This is why I never read Amazon reviews.
- [37:48]
B
You and I are different about that. We've talked about whether we read reviews or not. And I think that now I'm going to go into the camp of not reading review for that reason.
- [37:56]
A
Yeah. Connie Ann says, sometimes your biological family isn't your logical family. Ooh, I love that. I love that rhyme.
- [38:05]
B
And Colleen said, don't make others a priority who make you an option. Well, Gretchen, these are so good.
- [38:11]
A
These are really good. Gina said, you promote what you permit. It applies to every relationship. Now, that is deep.
- [38:19]
B
And Leslie quotes Mel Robbins, but simply let them.
- [38:24]
A
Virginia said, don't be right at your own expense. Oh, that's interesting. Is that, like, don't cut off your nose despite your face?
- [38:31]
B
Yes. And dawn has a story. She said, many years ago, there was a woman who was around the same age and lived in a neighboring town, and we had some activities together. I really liked her and thought we got along well. I went for tea at her place one afternoon, and she told me that her mom gave her the best advice. The advice was, not everyone can like you. I Saw her only one time after that to get some books I lent her. I always remember her saying that and feeling like she was letting me know that she couldn't like me and it was okay.
- [39:01]
A
Interesting. Well, I often remind myself that a strong voice repels as well as attracts. And putting a strong voice into the world is that not everyone can like you. So I agree with that advice.
- [39:13]
B
That was some great relationship advice. And a lot of you weighed in on what I guess we'll call mindset. And Cynthia said, live each day as if it's your first is much better advice than live each day as if it's your last.
- [39:25]
A
Ooh, I like that. Anna says, as a therapist, one thing I've noticed is that sometimes in life it can be both. For instance, it can be sad and heartbreaking and also freeing and life changing. Or it can be a really happy moment in your life and also really stressful. Acknowledging both sides and giving them both weight is helpful. Oh, that's so true.
- [39:46]
B
This reminds me of the post wedding depression question from an earlier episode. It's joyful and it's stressful and it's both. Both and.
- [39:54]
A
Yep.
- [39:54]
B
And Michelle said, if you choose not to find joy in the snow, you'll have a lot less joy in your life. But the same amount of snow. And then she wrote, can obviously be applied to many areas of life beyond just snow. That is so worth thinking about.
- [40:12]
A
And Laura quotes RuPaul saying, you can look at the darkness, but don't stare. I've always thought that was a helpful way to frame acknowledging when things are hard without dwelling so long that you get stuck in the feeling. Interesting.
- [40:27]
B
Yeah, we say that as therapists a lot, that we want you to feel but not dwell. Mm. And Vanessa said, you are not that important to the people that matter. I am the whole world, the center of their universe. No one else is thinking about me, allowing me to impact their day. I'm not important enough for someone to be sitting around thinking about the missteps and blunders of the day.
- [40:47]
A
This reminds me of something that I often think, which is you're not that powerful. Because sometimes people will really blame themselves for things or think that some step that they took had some bad consequence for themselves. You're not that powerful is oddly reassuring in some circumstances. Laura wrote, you will find what you're looking for, so be clear on what you're looking for. If all you're seeing is negativity, then it's pretty clear what you look for. Interesting.
- [41:16]
B
Yes, exactly.
- [41:18]
A
And we also got Great advice about taking action. Vic wrote, when I went back to school to get into a new career, I thought, but I won't finish until three years from now when I'm 41. Then I read this quote. Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway. That's attributed to Earl Nightingale.
- [41:39]
B
This is exactly what happened when I was doing my internship to become a therapist. I went back to school later in life to become a therapist after having worked in film and television and being a writer. And I remember a lot of people who had also had other careers and they were going back to become therapists were saying, I'm going to be 30, I'm going to be 40. This is the age I'm going to be when I finish this number of hours. And one of our supervisors walked in the room and said, you're going to be 40 anyway.
- [42:08]
A
Yeah.
- [42:08]
B
So I love that you're going to turn 40 anyway. Do what you want to do.
- [42:12]
A
Do what you want to do. Kathy said, whatever, you aren't changing. You're choosing was a real wake up call for me. Interesting.
- [42:21]
B
Yeah. Monica said, I have a few. If you never ask, the answer will always be no.
- [42:26]
A
Mm.
- [42:27]
B
Another one is, tell me who you hang out with and I'll tell you who you are. Mm.
- [42:32]
A
Janet suggests, if your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it. Which is attributed to Jonathan Winters. It was the catalyst that got me to try video dating. Well, one of those video dates and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Wonderful.
- [42:47]
B
Well, it's a good thing she ran into that quote from Jonathan Winters. And Ann said, aim for the B grade. Good enough is good enough for most everything, and the extra effort is rarely worth it. That goes against so much of what we're told in our culture. And yet I was just reading in Oliver Berkman's new book, Meditations for Mortals, a story about a woman who said that her mother said to her, don't half ass it. You gotta put in more effort. And the woman said, but why would I wanna whole ass it for certain things where it really doesn't matter? So sometimes she said, you got a quarter asset or a third asset or half asset, and you don't always have to put in the whole effort. But I think it's very true. So thank you for that, Anne.
- [43:31]
A
Yeah. Another way to frame it is GK Chesterton wrote, anything worth doing is worth doing badly. An unexpected way of framing it Wendy writes, when you keep hitting a brick wall, you're going in the wrong direction. Love it.
- [43:46]
B
Yep. And Larry said, work will expand to the time you give it. I find that absolutely true in my own life.
- [43:52]
A
Thousand percent so true.
- [43:54]
B
Deadlines are my friend.
- [43:58]
A
And that's it for today and for our first season. It's hard to believe. We hope you go back and listen to episodes you found especially helpful or that you might have missed until we are back in the new year.
- [44:10]
B
Sometimes we hear something we missed the first time or we hear something differently. So we hope that these episodes will be helpful until we're back in the new year.
- [44:18]
A
And keep sending in your advice. We will be reading every letter and listening to all the voicemails. So send them in to theseinceuspodcast.com and when we get back we will dive in. We cannot thank you enough for all of the observations, insights, questions you've sent in. One of the One of the things we love about doing this podcast is hearing so much response makes it so much deeper and richer.
- [44:43]
B
Yes, and as you all know, as a new show, your support means the world to us. So please take a minute to rate, review, share with your friends. We always say that word of mouth is the best way to support the show. That's how I get my podcast recommendations and a lot of people do too. So thank you all for sharing the podcast with your people.
- [45:03]
A
And again, if you have a question you want to submit, go to theseenseouspodcast.com and follow us on our socials. We will continue to be posting there. And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or it just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.
- [45:24]
B
Since you asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice. By sending us your question, you're agreeing.
- [45:31]
A
We may use it on the show.
- [45:32]
B
And edit it for length or clarity.