Why Am I Sad After My Wedding? Plus: The Holiday Season Debate

Summary

Episode Summary: "Why Am I Sad After My Wedding? Plus: The Holiday Season Debate"

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Date: October 21, 2025
Podcast by Lemonada Media

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Overview

This week, Gretchen Rubin (happiness researcher) and Lori Gottlieb (therapist) dive into everyday dilemmas sent in by listeners. The main topics include the phenomenon of post-wedding sadness, a lively debate about holiday feelings and traditions, advice about parent-teen conflicts over messy rooms, and responses to past questions about cheating and family secrets. The episode is empathetic and warm, mixing expert insights with humor and personal anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points

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1. The "Tell Your Kids the Truth About Their Origins" Follow-Up

[03:02]

• Listener Adam shares his personal experience of discovering, aged 28, that he was conceived via egg donor through a 23andMe test, advocating for honesty with children.

• Adam's story echoes earlier advice from Gretchen and Laurie to “tell the child the truth.”

• Quote:

  “Stumbling into it by accident was a weird feeling for me too... It made me feel like I wasn’t trusted with my own story."
  — Adam ([03:22])

• Hosts' Response: Acknowledge the pain of secrets and reinforce that outcomes are often better than parents fear:

  “We hope it's reassuring to hear from the child's side.”
  — Gretchen ([04:58])

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2. Breaking Up with a Beloved Hairstylist

[05:27]

• Listener Christine reflects on trying a new hairstylist after years with her original, showing how even "small" breakups can carry weight.
• Laurie encourages direct, compassionate communication with service providers.

  “Part of being in a relationship is being able to say, ‘When you cancel on me or reschedule me, this is how it affects me.’”
  — Laurie ([06:36])

• Gretchen notes that non-confrontation can lead to ghosting and missed opportunities for growth.

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3. Main Question: Why Am I Sad After My Wedding? (Post-Wedding "Depression")

[08:49]

Summary of Listener Question (from Thessaly):

• Recently married, not living together before marriage, now feeling unexpectedly sad and emotional post-wedding, despite being happy with partner.

Insights & Discussion:

• Change and Loss Coexist:

  “When we're making change... even a positive change... we forget that change and loss travel together.”
  — Laurie ([08:49])

• Arrival Fallacy:
  Gretchen introduces the idea that achieving a longed-for milestone often doesn't deliver the unmitigated happiness expected.

  "We may have a story in our mind of what life is going to be like once we're married, and it just isn't like that."
  — Gretchen ([09:36])

• Adjustment is Normal:
  Large transitions take time, especially if moving in together is new.

  • The excitement and busy planning phase are over, leading to a letdown.
  • Adjusting to new routines, loss of attention, and the reality of ordinary life.

• Advice Given:

  • Make a list of things you miss from before marriage to clarify your feelings.

  • Recognize "both/and"—it's normal to feel gratitude and loss simultaneously.

    "Both/And. There are aspects of your former life that you maybe miss, and there are some really exciting things about this part of your life."
    — Laurie ([13:01])

  • Communicate openly with your spouse about your emotions, but frame it as a transition issue, not their "fault."

    “It’s not his problem to solve… just tell him, ‘We’ll figure this out. This is just a big transition.’”
    — Gretchen ([13:31])

  • Find opportunities for new shared fun and things to look forward to.

    “Make time for fun... being married is very different from getting married and you’re in that transition.”
    — Gretchen ([14:44])

• Listeners Invited to Weigh In:
  Asking for experiences with big changes or post-wedding feelings.

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4. Listener Poll: How Do You Feel About the Holidays?

[15:26]

• Results: 69% love the holidays, 31% do not.
• Hosts' Personal Takes: Both express ambivalence (“both/and”)—love the season, but find it overwhelming.

Shared Listener Experiences (selected responses with timestamps):

• Eileen ([16:12]): Torn because of alternating holidays with in-laws; feels “half empty” some years.

• Carol ([16:32]): Goes “full Mrs. Claus” due to childhood without holidays—now loves creating magic for her family.

• Roberta ([16:54]): Adapts celebrations due to arthritis; compromises with a small tree and easy treats.

• Deborah ([17:21]): Loves cooking, family connection, and an annual “Die Hard” movie night.

  “Three: My husband and I always sneak off to watch Die Hard together on Christmas Eve. And yes, it is a Christmas movie.”
  — Deborah ([17:21])

• June ([18:01]): Overwhelmed working in accounting during Q4; wishes holidays were in March.

• Polly ([18:19]): As a Jewish listener, prefers the slower pace of Hanukkah over Christmas.

• Sandra ([18:44]): Dreads holidays but feels sad when they end—another “both/and.”

• Faye ([18:58]): Gardener who sees winter and holidays as “the earth breathing in.”

  “The holidays feel like the inhale — gathering everyone close before the exhale of spring.”
  — Faye ([18:58])

• Martha ([20:32]): Finds transcendence and awe during “Silent Night” at church, calling the season “holy.”

• Lynn ([20:58]): Grieving a child lost years ago—holidays are a constant reminder, yet maintains rituals.

• Hosts' Reflections:
  Gretchen and Laurie emphasize the range of meaningful, difficult, and unique holiday experiences, reminding listeners that there’s no one “right” way to celebrate.

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5. Teen Messy Room Dilemma

[25:08]

• Listener Angela asks how to stop caring about her teen’s messy room.

• Parental Reflection:

  “Why do we care so much about our child’s room? Is it about life skills? Is it about our own needs for order? Sometimes the things that upset us most about others are really secret wishes we don’t acknowledge to ourselves.”
  — Laurie ([25:08])

• Advice:

  • Clarify for yourself why it bothers you.
  • Teach skills and expectations, but recognize kids may not internalize habits immediately.
  • Consider letting go; teens often assert independence through personal space.
  • Avoid constant nagging—it can backfire.

    “The more you repeat yourself, the less he's going to want to listen to you.”
    — Laurie ([29:43])

• Practical Approach:

  • Determine if the child sees it as a problem.
  • If common spaces are respected, let the bedroom go.

    “Maybe you just let it go. This is not the fight you want to have.”
    — Gretchen ([27:50])

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6. Updates: Cheating Roommate & Ripple Effects (Episode 3 Follow-Up)

[33:22]

• Short recap: Roommate drama caused by cheating and emotional fallout in a friend group, with new partner (Carly) now included in gatherings.

• Listeners’ varied responses include calls for boundaries, questions about forgiveness, and the need to honor personal feelings over others' expectations.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Forgiveness is not something you can or should force. Forgiveness only has meaning if it's authentic, and right now she doesn't feel it.”
    — Daniel ([35:09])
  • “Has [Raya] checked in with her roommate about what she needs right now? Maybe she's moved on and Raya's grudge is keeping the wound open.”
    — Michelle ([35:47])

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7. Next Episode’s Question Teaser

[37:04]

• Listener Leanne (UK) seeks advice on how to deepen her relationship with nieces/nephews when she can’t visit often and is frustrated by lack of communication from her brother about gifts.
• Invites listeners to weigh in before next episode.

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Memorable Quotes by Timestamp

• “Stumbling into it by accident was a weird feeling for me too... It made me feel like I wasn’t trusted with my own story.” — Adam ([03:22])
• “When we're making change... even a positive change... we forget that change and loss travel together.” — Laurie ([08:49])
• “We may have a story in our mind of what life is going to be like once we're married, and it just isn't like that.” — Gretchen ([09:36])
• “Both/And. There are aspects of your former life that you maybe miss, and there are some really exciting things about this part of your life.” — Laurie ([13:01])
• “Forgiveness is not something you can or should force.” — Daniel ([35:09])
• “The more you repeat yourself, the less he's going to want to listen to you.” — Laurie ([29:43])
• “The holidays feel like the inhale — gathering everyone close before the exhale of spring.” — Faye ([18:58])

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Notable Listener Thoughts

• Complexities of blended family holiday traditions
• Creating new holiday experiences after childhood hardships
• Adapting to physical limitations, evolving family structures, and grief during the holidays
• Reframing routine family frustrations by focusing on what’s important

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Egg Donor Family Secret: [03:02]–[05:13]
• Breaking Up with the Hairdresser: [05:27]–[07:46]
• Post-Wedding Sadness: [08:49]–[14:44]
• Holiday Poll & Listener Stories: [15:26]–[21:35]
• Teen Messy Room Advice: [25:08]–[30:20]
• Cheating Roommate Dilemma Revisited: [33:22]–[36:51]
• Teaser for Next Week’s Gift-Giving Dilemma: [37:04]–[38:20]

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Episode Tone and Style

• Warm, conversational, and empathetic
• Mix of expertise, personal anecdote, and listener stories
• Encourages vulnerability, "both/and" thinking, and self-compassion
• Invites ongoing audience participation and response

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For more advice or to submit your own dilemma, visit sinceyouaskpodcast.com or join the conversation on social media.

Transcript

[Gretchen]

There is one thing that every person on Earth has in common. We all move through the world in a human body.

[Laurie]

Our bodies ache. They bleed, they desire. They hold the stories of our lives.

[Gretchen]

International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf, is sharing some of those stories from around the world.

[Laurie]

Read them [e-mail] everybody.

[Gretchen]

Welcome to Decoding Women's Health. I'm Dr. Elizabeth Poynter, chair of Women's Health and Gynecology at the Atria Health Institute in New York City. I'll be talking to top researchers and clinicians and bringing vital information about midlife women's health directly to you. 100% of women go through menopause. Even if it's natural, why should we suffer through it? Listen to Decoding Women's Health with Dr. Elizabeth Poynter wherever you get your podcasts.

[Laurie]

Lemonader.

[Gretchen]

Cecily writes I'd look to see if post wedding depression is a thing and it seems like this might be what's going on.

[Laurie]

I think that when we're making change, even something that's a positive change, like getting married to the person that you love, we forget that change and loss, trust, travel together.

[Gretchen]

Sometimes before there's a big change, like getting married, you postpone all drudgery and then this thing happens and then all of this stuff that has been piling up behind the scenes comes roaring back. Hey Laurie.

[Laurie]

Hey Gretchen.

[Gretchen]

And hey, since you askers, we are back today. We cannot wait to get into it once again.

[Laurie]

We have been loving the questions that you guys are sending in and we have so many things to talk about today.

[Gretchen]

Yes, we have so many thoughts. So one thing we'll be talking about is some tricky post wedding feelings. How do you feel after the big day?

[Laurie]

Sometimes it's not what you expect.

[Gretchen]

Whether this sensuous crowd is looking forward to or dreading the upcoming holidays, people have many different opinions about that. Okay, here's one that if you've been there, you've been there. Which is your teenager has a very messy room.

[Laurie]

Yes, we have both dealt with that personally.

[Gretchen]

Yes, we have both dealt with that personally. In a previous episode we talked about Raya and how her boyfriend's cheating roommate had had this ripple effect on their friend group and we asked what did people think of this? And people had a lot of thoughts. This came out of episode three so we will get into that. But first, do you need help navigating the upcoming holidays?

[Laurie]

Yes. If you have a holiday dilemma, it could be family stress. Maybe you're experiencing a loss, maybe you have some hosting Decisions to Please send us your question. We are happy to help.

[Gretchen]

Yes. But before we get into our first question, we want to share this note from Adam, who was responding to last week's letter, which had to do with a family secret.

[Laurie]

Right? And they were trying to figure out how to tell their 14 year old daughter that they used an egg donor. And we got an especially interesting response from Adam about this.

[Gretchen]

Yes, Adam wrote to the listener wondering whether to tell a kid she was conceived via egg donor. I'm that kid and I'm begging you, tell her. I didn't find out until I was 28. I'd bought my mom and myself 23andMe kids for Mother's Day. She refused to take hers, which should have been my first clue when my results came back. I was scrolling through the selections when something caught my eye. One direct connection. Fiona. Mother. I laughed. That's not my mom. But I kept refreshing. And the name didn't change for a week. I googled Fiona, obsessively comparing our faces, cycling between this is insane and oh my God, it's true. Finally, I went back home and asked my mom to sit down with me. I took a breath and said, I know about Fiona. She burst into tears. She'd carried this secret for 28 years. I could see how painful that had been, how much shame she still carried. But stumbling into it by accident was a weird feeling for me too. It made me feel like I wasn't trusted with my own story. I felt misunderstood. Did she really think I would love her less? Did she even know me? So yes to what Gretchen and Laurie said. Tell that 14 year old. Chances are she'll find out eventually. And concealing it only implies there's something about her origins worth being ashamed of. There isn't. As for me, I've exchanged emails with Fiona. My mom was terrified when I first told her, but now she actually asks about Fiona sometimes. It took time, but we got there. And these days when I bring up gift ideas, she just rolls her eyes and says anything but another DNA test.

[Laurie]

So this is exactly why we strongly believe that people should not keep these secrets. And we also talked last week about how the outcome is often far better than people imagine it would be.

[Gretchen]

Yeah. Yeah. We hope it's reassuring to hear from the child's side of it that the child was very relieved and it didn't. I think the listener used the word devastating. It wasn't devastating. They got through it and the child was very relieved to know the truth.

[Laurie]

Yeah, this is very reassuring for families who are wondering what to do. On another note, we also heard back from Christine about our advice on whether to break up with her hairstylist, who had become unreliable after years of good service.

[Christine]

Hi, Christine here. Thank you for giving me your perspective on the question of me breaking up with my hairstylist. Gretchen. I love the term notice to cure, a legal term that is totally understood upon first hearing. Who would have thought? And a good way to approach this dilemma. However, I don't feel comfortable making a direct complaint, even if I try to lead with curiosity as suggested by Laurie. I have decided to try a new hairstylist. I'm not going to contact my original stylist just yet. Interesting, Laurie, that you mentioned the similarity between breaking up with your hairstylist and others, such as your therapist, because after seeing the new stylist, who happened to be very nice, did my hair just right and was on time, I realised that after four years I would really miss their relationship that has developed with my original. So I'm not sure I'm ready to move on. I'll see how things go. I'm really enjoying your new podcast and look forward to hearing more responses to tricky situations from you both. Thank you.

[Laurie]

Well, this is interesting because we talked about how these relationships really do matter. We do get to know the people that we interact with professionally on a personal level, so sometimes we might be willing to forgive some inconvenience if the relationship is more important to us. But I do want to encourage Christine to talk to this hairdresser that she feels so connected to because it is a relationship and part of being in a relationship is being able to say, when you cancel on me or reschedule me, this is how it affects me.

[Gretchen]

Another thing that occurred to me because so many people do complain about ghosting, is that if you are ghosted in a situation like this, you might step back and say, maybe somebody didn't have the heart to tell me, but can I guess why somebody might have ghosted me and say, well, I didn't think that she noticed that I was running late or that I was double booking. She never said anything. But now this person's disappeared. I just think it's a good example of sometimes people don't feel like telling us something even if it would be better if they did. But maybe there's a lesson that we could learn through self reflection if somebody does that.

[Laurie]

Yeah, that's such a good point.

[Gretchen]

It's tricky. People don't like to deal with conflict. Spoiler alert.

[Laurie]

Human nature.

[Gretchen]

Oh, human nature. We love hearing people's responses. So thank you both and now let us jump into this week's advice. Last week you'll remember we gave you this question to think about from thesaly. So since you asked Cecily, let's jump into your question. Thessaly writes, I recently got married to an amazing man who also has never been married and who moved into my home when we got married. We are both traditional and valued not living together before we were married. He is doing everything he can to make my life easier and make me as happy as can be. But since we've been married I've been feeling so sad and emotional. I've looked to see if post wedding depression is a thing and it seems like this might be what's going on. I've been transparent with him about it too, but I don't know what to do to help alleviate my sadness. Any advice or any similar experiences you have had or heard about.

[Laurie]

I am so glad that Thessaly wrote in about this because I think that when we're making change, even something that's a positive change, like getting married to the person that you love, we forget that change and loss travel together, that we give up something in order to gain something else, and then we feel guilty or ungrateful if we acknowledge those feelings. I shouldn't feel sad about losing the things I liked about living separately or that earlier stage of my life because I'm so lucky to have this amazing husband. But we can hold both things at once. And if she doesn't acknowledge that and sounds like she is, but she's confused by it. But when we don't acknowledge it, it just gets louder. So I'm really glad that Thessaly is writing in about this and acknowledging wait, I'm having these feelings. I'm not sure what to make of them.

[Gretchen]

Well, any big transition takes a lot of time to adjust to it. And there is something called the arrival fallacy, which is the idea that we imagine that once we arrive someplace, then we will be so happy. I'll be so happy once I get married, I'll be so happy once I get that promotion. I'll be so happy once I make partner, I'll be so happy once I move into my new house. But what research shows, and of course common experience confirms, is it doesn't work out like that. We may have a story in our mind of what life is going to be like once we're married and it just isn't like that. And if you haven't been living with somebody before there's just a lot of the ordinary, mundane, down to earth, unglamorous, often probably annoying flashback to the dishwasher argument that we talked about. There could be all kinds of things like that that could puncture the illusion of, oh, it's gonna be so lovely.

[Laurie]

Once we're married, right? And they haven't been living together, so they're getting used to each other. They're getting used to having each other in their own space, have different habits. It's different. And also, they've just planned a wedding. There was so much excitement, I'm sure, about the upcoming wedding and the preparation and the honeymoon. And now they're just back to normal life. And I think sometimes that can be a big letdown. It's like you're waiting for this big change and you're really excited about it. And what you were saying about the arrival fantasy, and then you're there and it's good. But at the same time, there was so much buildup that it's hard to live up to the expectation, right?

[Gretchen]

The excitement is gone, the spotlight is gone, the mystery is gone. There's a disillusionment. I don't know if you've experienced this, but this is something that often happens to me with something big like this is that sometimes before there's a big change or something really demanding like getting married, you postpone all drudgery. You're like, oh, of course I don't have to do my dentist appointment or update my resume or do all these nagging casts. Nobody could ever expect me to do these things or keep up my good habits because I'm getting ready for. And then this thing happens, and then all of this stuff that has been piling up behind the scenes comes roaring back. So you're not even in your ordinary life. You're in all the worst parts of your ordinary life because you've delayed them. I often find that this happens to me if I'm not careful around a big transition moment that can just add to that sense of life just doesn't feel good.

[Laurie]

And then I think that sometimes what people do is they think, well, the problem is this new thing, because I was fine before that, right? And so I think that she really needs to separate out, well, what is making me sick? What is making me feel this way. Do I miss having my own bedroom? Do I miss the bathroom being my own? Do I miss having more downtime and just space to myself where there's not another person here? That's a huge adjustment to living with.

[Gretchen]

Someone or Do I miss being the center of attention and getting presents and having a big party to plan and all this happy excitement after our wedding? I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe how much free time I have now that I'm not getting married. But for some people, it's a big letdown.

[Laurie]

Yeah. And also, you're not dating in the same way. It's not like, oh, we're going to go through that romantic courting phase. We're just going through daily life together. I'm sure they were doing that before they got married, but they weren't under the same roof. And there's something about being married that feels different. So what is our advice?

[Gretchen]

So first, make a list of the things that you miss. Just having it to look at might give you clarity and untying this tangle of feelings that you might be experiencing.

[Laurie]

Yeah, it releases the pressure valve a little bit to make room for all of your emotions around this big life change. And I think when you make that list, to recognize that the missing aspects of a former phase of life doesn't mean that you are ungrateful for this new one. We have this expression that Gretchen and I love, which is both. And so it's both. And that there are aspects of your former life that maybe you miss. And there are some really exciting things about this part of your life.

[Gretchen]

Both and, well, and one thing, just realizing that it's normal and it's common, like you looked it up. Oh, it turns out this is a thing. You're not the only one feeling this. And it's good that you're talking to your husband about how you're feeling. But you also might want to reassure him because I'm sure he's thinking, oh my gosh, I just got married and now my wife is telling me she has post wedding depression. If you can speak to him forthrightly and have an open conversation about it, but in a context where it's not his problem to solve, it's not his problem to have created. And just tell him like, we'll figure this out. This is just a big transition. Because I would imagine that it would be very unsettling to be the new.

[Laurie]

Guy hearing this and he might not be experiencing the same thing. But a way to bring this up with him is to see if he can relate to any big change in his life where he might have had these kinds of feelings. So it might not be about being married, but maybe he can relate to complicated feelings around other big changes. And so it's really More of a convers about how we're handling change. And this is how you're handling change around being married. And I'm sure at some point in his life he's had some positive change in his life where he also felt some conflicting feelings. And I think that's a nice way to connect around this.

[Gretchen]

Absolutely. And also make time for fun. You have fun things to anticipate do the parts of your life that you really enjoy together. A lot of your schedule has changed and so maybe those date nights have dropped away. But find ways to have fun together and to have things to look forward to. Being married is very different from getting married and you're in that transition. So good luck. And since you ask us, tell us what you think. We want to hear your response. What's your advice? Have you gone through a situation like this with a big change or post wedding? You can weigh in or submit your own question. If you have a different question, go to the since you ask podcast.com.

[Laurie]

And now, Gretchen, we're going to share some results from another poll and this one has to do with the holidays. And we asked the holiday season is my favorite time of year. 69% of you agreed with that. The holiday season is not my favorite time of year. 31% of you agreed with that. So, Gretchen, where would you weigh in on this?

[Gretchen]

I think I'm both. I love the holiday season, but I'm also kind of overwhelmed by the holiday season. I would like to be part of the 69% and part of the 31%. How about you?

[Laurie]

I think that I like to think of myself as the 31%, but secretly I'm really part of the 69%.

[Gretchen]

Oh.

[Laurie]

I want to tell myself I'm not buying into the whole thing, and yet I really do.

[Gretchen]

Well, that's fun. So since you ask hers at a lot of thoughts coming from all different perspectives. Eileen wrote, it's complicated. I want to love the holidays, but my daughter and her husband insist on alternating years with his family. And it always feels like the odd years are half empty. Well, this is a very common thing, the trading off of years.

[Laurie]

Yes. Carol wrote, favorite time of year, I go into full Mrs. Claus mode. My husband says it's too much, but I grew up with nothing. Now I can give my family magic. And I do.

[Gretchen]

So satisfying it is.

[Laurie]

Sometimes we get a redo on the holidays if we didn't like the way they were celebrated when we were growing up. It feels so good to be able to create your own traditions.

[Gretchen]

Absolutely. Roberta wrote I used to absolutely adore them, but since my arthritis has gotten worse, everything feels like work. My husband keeps saying we should just not bother this year, but I can't bring myself to skip it completely. So I compromise. Small tree. One batch of cookies and store bought pieces. It's enough. Well, I think this is lovely that she's found a way to keep these traditions that are so important to her, but in a way that's manageable for the season of life she's in now.

[Laurie]

Yeah, absolutely. That feels very sane to me. And Deborah wrote, top three reasons I love the holidays. One, I get to cook ridiculous amounts of food and no one judges. Two, everyone slows down enough to actually talk to each other. And three, my husband and I always sneak off to watch Die Hard together on Christmas Eve. And yes, it is a Christmas movie.

[Gretchen]

I just watched Die Hard last year because I kept thinking, why is this considered a Christmas movie?

[Laurie]

You had never seen it?

[Gretchen]

I had never seen it. Isn't that astonishing?

[Laurie]

Wow. Yes.

[Gretchen]

Yes. Now I am part of the Die Hard crew. It's not like watching Elf.

[Laurie]

No, no.

[Gretchen]

June wrote, not a fan. I work in accounting and Q4 is chaos. So by the time Christmas rolls around, I'm running on fumes. I usually get sick right after New Year's. My body just quits. If we could move the holidays to March, I might like them more. It's true that so many things are happening at the same time. That is really hard. Yeah.

[Laurie]

Polly wrote I'm Jewish, so the Christmas frenzy isn't my thing, but I actually enjoy the slower pace of Hanukkah. Small gifts, candlelight dinner with friends, no pressure to host a perfect anything wonderful. Yeah. And I think there are so many different kinds of holidays going on also that we tend to forget that there are lots of different holidays, lots of different traditions, lots of different. Lots of different ways to celebrate.

[Gretchen]

My husband's Jewish, so we do both.

[Laurie]

Oh, my gosh. Is that double the work?

[Gretchen]

Not for me because others do a lot of the work, but it's very, very fun. Sandra wrote, I dread the holidays every year and then cry when they're over. Go figure. Well, Lori, this is just like the both and that you said.

[Laurie]

Yes. And Faye wrote, this is really interesting. I'm a gardener, so I think of winter as the earth breathing in. The holidays. Feel like the inhale gathering everyone close before the exhale of spring. That is so beautiful. I love that image.

[Gretchen]

Very poetic. Erica wrote, they were fun when the kids were little. Now it's just me and the Dog. We watch Hallmark movies and go to bed early. It works for us. That's great. Again, it's adapting to the season of life.

[Laurie]

Tina wrote, I know people complain about how commercial it's become, but I don't care. I like the lights. I like the music. I even like the crowded grocery store because everyone's buying nutmeg and cranberries. It's the one time of year I feel like we're all doing something together.

[Gretchen]

Yeah, I'm kind of the same way. I like the noise and the lights and the crowds. It's fun. Jean wrote, I don't have a huge family or big celebration. It's usually just me, my sister, and her dog. But I still love it. We make ridiculous snacks, watch old movies, and talk about the past year. It's small and perfect. Ooh. They found just the right size for them.

[Laurie]

You know what's interesting about so many of these responses is that people think that the holidays have to look a certain way. And so many people are like, no, I like this small, small thing. I like this quiet thing, or I like this big thing. But it doesn't have to be one way. And so I hope that people who are listening are taking this into account.

[Gretchen]

That was such a good point.

[Laurie]

So Lois writes, for me, it's about the darkness. Weird to say, but I love how the days shorten. It makes every small light literal or metaphorical matter more a candle, a porch light, a neighbor waving. I notice things I miss in July.

[Gretchen]

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. Martha wrote, I cry every Christmas Eve when our church sings Silent Night by candlelight. It's not about nostalgia. It's the awe of it. The idea that light came into the world in such an ordinary, vulnerable way, that's what makes this season holy to me. So, again, for her, it's about the transcendence, that awe that she feels that she's able to experience during the holidays. Again, beautiful, right?

[Laurie]

And then we got this from Lynn, which, again, shows that sometimes the holidays can be the hardest time of year for people. She wrote, I lost my son in 2015, and honestly, the holidays will never be the same. I still hang his stocking, not because I believe he'll use it, but because taking it down feels like losing him all over again. That's so hard.

[Gretchen]

That's a good reminder to all of us that the holidays can be really tough for people. They can really be reminders of loss. And to be compassionate for all the different emotions that people might be feeling during this time, it's a very heightened time of year. It can amplify good feelings, but it can also amplify bad feelings.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Laurie]

Yeah.

[Gretchen]

Well, we love hearing your thoughts. We love hearing you weigh in on these polls and these wisdom of crowds questions. So for more, check out our socials and we will continue to highlight your responses here on the podcast. Coming up, we will answer a question about a mother's frustration with her teenager and what is a very common experience. But first, this break. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. It's the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[Laurie]

In fact, we built thecentyouasspodcast.com on Squarespace and it has been such a great way to connect with you, our listeners. We love getting your questions through the site because it feels like an extension of the show and you could also catch up on episodes and join our newsletter letter all in One Place what.

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Not available in all 50 states. Perimenopause and menopause by hers includes hormonal health support, educational resources, digital tools, and prescription options if appropriate. Hormone replacement therapies are not FDA approved for the treatment of perimenopause but may be prescribed off label for perimenopausal symptoms at a provider's discretion. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. And now we're back with a question from Angela. It's very short and it goes like this. How do I stop caring so much whether or not my teen dream is clean? And I know it's my version of clean that I want. I love how concise this letter is because sometimes questions need a lot of context, but in this case I think we all get it far too well. Anybody who's had a teenager understands this question, right? What comes to mind is this question of why do we care so much as parents? Why do we care so much about how clean our child's room is or our teen's room is? And I think it brings up all these questions we have about does it mean that she's not teaching her teen basic life skills about cleanliness? Is she a person who needs Outside order to feel calm inside. Does she secretly wish she could just not worry about cleaning up? Because sometimes the things that upset us the most about other people are secret wishes that we don't acknowledge to ourselves so they come out in judgment of others. So I would want to know know why it bothers her so much if she can really drill down. If I could say the one reason that this bothers me so much, it's because X, what would she say?

[Gretchen]

And then once you know why it bothers you, when you have some clarity on what's going on for you, you can talk to your teen about the situation. You can come up with some easy hacks for creating a system, Try to help them find ways to manage it, and then they'll either adopt the system or become neater. Or they won't. But you as a parent will have taught them what they needed. If you're worried about am I raising my children with the life skills about how to make a bed or how to put laundry in a laundry basket or whatever it is you can think, well, I did teach these lessons. I am trying to set my child up for success.

[Laurie]

And I would also be curious about how your teen feels about it. Does your teen agree that their room is messy? If so, does it bother them? Why or why not? What makes it hard for them to clean up? Do they not care? Do they not have enough time? Cause they're so busy? Do they feel overwhelmed by the task? Is it just not a priority? Do they need better tools? Do they have trouble with organization in general? Or is it just this room that needs to get cleaned up? The other thing is that teens are at this phase in life where they want to feel independent. They're separating from you. And their room is a place where they can really assert themselves. This is my space. This is how I want to keep it. These are my rules.

[Gretchen]

Just ask yourself, what if you ignore the problem? What if you just shut the door and walk away? Maybe you just let it go. This is not the fight that you want to have. From personal experience, I know many people who are super messy as children who then grow up to be the ones that make their bed every morning and want everything put away. So it isn't necessarily the fact that you're condemning your child to a lifetime of messiness if you allow them to keep their rooms messy. And also I know from talking to people, because I talk to people about their habits so much, is that by trying to enforce these rules, you sometimes create backlash. Because I know many people who are like, oh, I never make my bed as an adult, because as an adult, I can do what I want. And I was forced to make my bed every day growing up. And now that I'm free and can do what I want, I'll never make my bed again. You don't necessarily know the consequences of this. So you may just say to yourself, who could do their homework in a room that's so messy, but they could do their homework in a room that's so messy? And like Lori said, like, they want to be independent. And part of being independent is I keep my room in this messy state. Maybe that's just fine. So what is our advice?

[Laurie]

So first, ask your teen what makes it hard for him to clean up, or whether he even perceives this as a problem. Is it not a priority? Does he need structure? Does he not have enough room? What is the issue? And if he does not consider it to be a problem, maybe you shouldn't either.

[Gretchen]

Yeah, just think about, maybe I just close the door, I let him have his space. And this is very true, especially if he respects common spaces.

[Laurie]

Yes.

[Gretchen]

Because if you have a teen who's very messy in their own room, but then in the living room, in the kitchen, they're willing to do their part, they put their dishes in the dishwasher, they try to keep everything under control, then it truly is about them just wanting to assert their independence. They are being respectful of common spaces. I also just realized this isn't necessarily how he's going to be for the rest of his life. You don't have to burden yourself with responsibility for the next hundred years.

[Laurie]

Right. And the more you repeat yourself, the less he's going to want to listen to you. So people think, well, he didn't hear me the first time, so I'm going to say it 27 more times. No, every time you say it actually makes it less effective as opposed to more effective.

[Gretchen]

So there's a funny way you can reframe it for yourself. Instead of, oh, my teenage son has the most incredibly messy room. You say, my teenage son is asserting his independence in a very visual way.

[Laurie]

In a visual way that I don't have to look at because I have shut the door.

[Gretchen]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Laurie]

And if you haven't shut the door, your teen will, because that's what they do. So really, you don't have to look at this very much.

[Gretchen]

Well, I'm sure many, many people have faced a situation like this. What have you done? What has worked? How have you handled it for yourself? Let us know coming up. We're going to share your responses to a question we discussed back in episode three about the aftermath of infidelity on two couples. But first, this break.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

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[Gretchen]

There is one thing that every person on earth has in common. We all move through the world in a human body.

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[Gretchen]

And when people have power over their bodies, when they can access the care their bodies need, they can begin to write their own stories.

[Laurie]

International Planned Parent Federation, or ippf, is the world's largest network for sexual and reproductive health rights and justice. They are sharing real stories of people.

[Gretchen]

Around the world, like Alina in Malawi who walked miles to the nearest clinic to give birth, only to deliver her baby along the way.

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Every body holds a story.

[Gretchen]

Read just a few of them [e-mail] everybody.

[Laurie]

And we're back. And you'll remember that in episode three we talked about a cheating roommate and the impact it had on an entire friend group. You all had a lot of thoughts. You can go back and listen to that discussion. But in a nutshell, here was the situation.

[Gretchen]

Raya had been dating her boyfriend for a few months and at the same time, Raya's roommate was dating her boyfriend's roommate and best friend, Jack. Jack cheated on Raya's roommate, which led to a painful breakup and created lasting tension. Now Jack is openly dating the woman he cheated with called Carly, and they're often around when Raya visits her boyfriend. Carly has reached out to apologize, but Jack has not apologized. Raya doesn't want to engage, but her boyfriend wants her to forgive and forget and move on. So Raya's dilemma was how should she deal with this situation without compromising her values or feeling like she was excusing cheating? And since you ask hers weighed in.

[Laurie]

Cynthia said, I'm confused. Raya expects people to apologize to her for what? She needs to stay out of this. It's not her business. It's not her place to forgive anyone. Let it go. If she doesn't want to hang with the cheaters, she should just let her boyfriend know that it puts her in a bad spot and that she'd rather not do that. Simple.

[Gretchen]

Well, that's very straightforward. Patty Ann wrote, okay, so I wouldn't need the quote, cheaters to apologize and I wouldn't be thinking that they need my forgiveness. I but I wouldn't necessarily want to be spending time together if it was my roommate and friend who was cheated on. The fact that Ray's boyfriend now wants her to make life easy on him by getting along with and possibly spending time with the new couple would be tough. I think she may be wondering about his values, seeing as you are the product of the five closest people that you spend time with. It could end Ray's relationship, but maybe in the long run that would not be a bad thing.

[Laurie]

And this is something we talked about that we wanted her to have a conversation with her boyfriend and this was a good opportunity to say, well, how do you feel about cheating? What did this mean to you? So Patty Ann is on the same page with us on that.

[Gretchen]

Daniel wrote. As a therapist, I would remind Raya that forgiveness is not something you can or should force. Forgiveness only has meaning if it's authentic, and right now she doesn't feel it. What she can do is separate her own boundaries from her boyfriend's wishes. She doesn't have to embrace the people who cause the harm, but she can decide how much space she wants them to take up. In her own life, that might mean limiting contact, being polite but distant, or disengaging entirely. Her task isn't to change them. It's to honor her own feelings and protect her integrity. Over time, she can revisit the question of forgiveness if it feels right. But right now it's about respecting herself.

[Laurie]

And Michelle wrote I'm curious, what does her roommate actually think about all this? Is she asking Raya to stay angry on her behalf? Or has Raya taken this on herself? The roommate is the one who was hurt. Has Raya checked in with her about what she needs right now? Maybe she's moved on and Raya's grudge is keeping the wound open. Or maybe she appreciates the loyalty. Either way, the roommate's feelings should guide the decision here, not the boyfriend's pressure or Raya's own assumptions about what's right. I think that's such an important point because we don't know what conversations have happened between her and the roommate and we don't know how the roommate feels about all this.

[Gretchen]

No, absolutely now. And Raya can have her own set of responses to it. Of course she is having it. But it seems if she's doing it out of love loyalty, it would be very, very instructive to know what does the roommate actually think? It might be very different. Sometimes we make assumptions about what people are thinking and how they're responding and we just get it wrong. So that's a great thing to pursue. So thank you Sensuous for weighing in. That's so interesting to hear all these different perspectives on that dilemma. And if you have a point of view that we haven't heard yet, let us know at thesense you ask Podcast.

[Christine]

Com.

[Laurie]

And until next time, we have a question for you to ponder. So before we go, are you ready to give some advice? Here's the question we'll take on in the next episode and we'd love to hear your thoughts. It's from Leanne and here's what she wrote.

[Gretchen]

I am a 45 year old woman in England. My younger brother is 40 and is married with two girls aged 10 and 7. They live a four hour drive away and neither my partner or I can drive so we see them only once or twice a year. I would like to deepen my relationship to the children but my brother doesn't even communicate what gifts to buy. Decided to despite me asking and texting reminders prior to Christmas and birthdays. When I have sent gifts they don't confirm they have arrived and don't facetime to see them being opened. They say the children have too much and just to get book vouchers, which I have done. But to me this lacks the personal touch and I don't get the joy of seeing them unwrap a gift they really wanted. I find this thoughtless on my brother's part, but don't want to fall out over it. How can I get my brother to stop his wife's family who live near to them from monopolizing all the gifts? By letting me get one special item for each child and being considerate enough to tell me ahead of time so I can shop and get it there on time and actually get to enjoy my Christmas. Interesting.

[Laurie]

Interesting, yes, especially very timely with the holidays coming up. So we want to hear what you all think. We'll be talking about it next week. Let us know what you think at the since you Asked podcast. And.

[Gretchen]

And that's it for today. So remember, send us your responses to everything we've talked about and send us your questions about navigating the upcoming holidays. And remember, we want you to weigh in. This is a new show, so it's especially important for us. Rate us, review us, follow or subscribe to us. That's terrific. And if you want to get in touch again, go to the since you asked podcast.com or you can follow each of us on our social media account.

[Laurie]

And remember that word of mouth is the best. That's where I get all my best podcast recommendations from friends. So if you enjoyed this episode or think someone might benefit from hearing it, please share it with your friends.

[Gretchen]

And remember, whether this podcast changes your life or just makes you laugh, we're glad you're here.

[Laurie]

Since youe Asked is for entertainment purposes only and isn't a substitute for professional advice.

[Gretchen]

By sending us your question, you're agreeing.

[Laurie]

We may use it on the show and edit it for length or clarity.