Episode Summary: "Why Am I Sad After My Wedding? Plus: The Holiday Season Debate"

Since You Asked with Lori Gottlieb and Gretchen Rubin
Date: October 21, 2025
Podcast by Lemonada Media

Overview

This week, Gretchen Rubin (happiness researcher) and Lori Gottlieb (therapist) dive into everyday dilemmas sent in by listeners. The main topics include the phenomenon of post-wedding sadness, a lively debate about holiday feelings and traditions, advice about parent-teen conflicts over messy rooms, and responses to past questions about cheating and family secrets. The episode is empathetic and warm, mixing expert insights with humor and personal anecdotes.

Key Discussion Points

1. The "Tell Your Kids the Truth About Their Origins" Follow-Up

[03:02]

• Listener Adam shares his personal experience of discovering, aged 28, that he was conceived via egg donor through a 23andMe test, advocating for honesty with children.

• Adam's story echoes earlier advice from Gretchen and Laurie to “tell the child the truth.”

• Quote:

  “Stumbling into it by accident was a weird feeling for me too... It made me feel like I wasn’t trusted with my own story."
  — Adam ([03:22])

• Hosts' Response: Acknowledge the pain of secrets and reinforce that outcomes are often better than parents fear:

  “We hope it's reassuring to hear from the child's side.”
  — Gretchen ([04:58])

2. Breaking Up with a Beloved Hairstylist

[05:27]

• Listener Christine reflects on trying a new hairstylist after years with her original, showing how even "small" breakups can carry weight.
• Laurie encourages direct, compassionate communication with service providers.

  “Part of being in a relationship is being able to say, ‘When you cancel on me or reschedule me, this is how it affects me.’”
  — Laurie ([06:36])

• Gretchen notes that non-confrontation can lead to ghosting and missed opportunities for growth.

3. Main Question: Why Am I Sad After My Wedding? (Post-Wedding "Depression")

[08:49]

Summary of Listener Question (from Thessaly):

• Recently married, not living together before marriage, now feeling unexpectedly sad and emotional post-wedding, despite being happy with partner.

Insights & Discussion:

• Change and Loss Coexist:

  “When we're making change... even a positive change... we forget that change and loss travel together.”
  — Laurie ([08:49])

• Arrival Fallacy:
  Gretchen introduces the idea that achieving a longed-for milestone often doesn't deliver the unmitigated happiness expected.

  "We may have a story in our mind of what life is going to be like once we're married, and it just isn't like that."
  — Gretchen ([09:36])

• Adjustment is Normal:
  Large transitions take time, especially if moving in together is new.

  • The excitement and busy planning phase are over, leading to a letdown.
  • Adjusting to new routines, loss of attention, and the reality of ordinary life.

• Advice Given:

  • Make a list of things you miss from before marriage to clarify your feelings.

  • Recognize "both/and"—it's normal to feel gratitude and loss simultaneously.

    "Both/And. There are aspects of your former life that you maybe miss, and there are some really exciting things about this part of your life."
    — Laurie ([13:01])

  • Communicate openly with your spouse about your emotions, but frame it as a transition issue, not their "fault."

    “It’s not his problem to solve… just tell him, ‘We’ll figure this out. This is just a big transition.’”
    — Gretchen ([13:31])

  • Find opportunities for new shared fun and things to look forward to.

    “Make time for fun... being married is very different from getting married and you’re in that transition.”
    — Gretchen ([14:44])

• Listeners Invited to Weigh In:
  Asking for experiences with big changes or post-wedding feelings.

4. Listener Poll: How Do You Feel About the Holidays?

[15:26]

• Results: 69% love the holidays, 31% do not.
• Hosts' Personal Takes: Both express ambivalence (“both/and”)—love the season, but find it overwhelming.

Shared Listener Experiences (selected responses with timestamps):

• Eileen ([16:12]): Torn because of alternating holidays with in-laws; feels “half empty” some years.

• Carol ([16:32]): Goes “full Mrs. Claus” due to childhood without holidays—now loves creating magic for her family.

• Roberta ([16:54]): Adapts celebrations due to arthritis; compromises with a small tree and easy treats.

• Deborah ([17:21]): Loves cooking, family connection, and an annual “Die Hard” movie night.

  “Three: My husband and I always sneak off to watch Die Hard together on Christmas Eve. And yes, it is a Christmas movie.”
  — Deborah ([17:21])

• June ([18:01]): Overwhelmed working in accounting during Q4; wishes holidays were in March.

• Polly ([18:19]): As a Jewish listener, prefers the slower pace of Hanukkah over Christmas.

• Sandra ([18:44]): Dreads holidays but feels sad when they end—another “both/and.”

• Faye ([18:58]): Gardener who sees winter and holidays as “the earth breathing in.”

  “The holidays feel like the inhale — gathering everyone close before the exhale of spring.”
  — Faye ([18:58])

• Martha ([20:32]): Finds transcendence and awe during “Silent Night” at church, calling the season “holy.”

• Lynn ([20:58]): Grieving a child lost years ago—holidays are a constant reminder, yet maintains rituals.

• Hosts' Reflections:
  Gretchen and Laurie emphasize the range of meaningful, difficult, and unique holiday experiences, reminding listeners that there’s no one “right” way to celebrate.

5. Teen Messy Room Dilemma

[25:08]

• Listener Angela asks how to stop caring about her teen’s messy room.

• Parental Reflection:

  “Why do we care so much about our child’s room? Is it about life skills? Is it about our own needs for order? Sometimes the things that upset us most about others are really secret wishes we don’t acknowledge to ourselves.”
  — Laurie ([25:08])

• Advice:

  • Clarify for yourself why it bothers you.
  • Teach skills and expectations, but recognize kids may not internalize habits immediately.
  • Consider letting go; teens often assert independence through personal space.
  • Avoid constant nagging—it can backfire.

    “The more you repeat yourself, the less he's going to want to listen to you.”
    — Laurie ([29:43])

• Practical Approach:

  • Determine if the child sees it as a problem.
  • If common spaces are respected, let the bedroom go.

    “Maybe you just let it go. This is not the fight you want to have.”
    — Gretchen ([27:50])

6. Updates: Cheating Roommate & Ripple Effects (Episode 3 Follow-Up)

[33:22]

• Short recap: Roommate drama caused by cheating and emotional fallout in a friend group, with new partner (Carly) now included in gatherings.

• Listeners’ varied responses include calls for boundaries, questions about forgiveness, and the need to honor personal feelings over others' expectations.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Forgiveness is not something you can or should force. Forgiveness only has meaning if it's authentic, and right now she doesn't feel it.”
    — Daniel ([35:09])
  • “Has [Raya] checked in with her roommate about what she needs right now? Maybe she's moved on and Raya's grudge is keeping the wound open.”
    — Michelle ([35:47])

7. Next Episode’s Question Teaser

[37:04]

• Listener Leanne (UK) seeks advice on how to deepen her relationship with nieces/nephews when she can’t visit often and is frustrated by lack of communication from her brother about gifts.
• Invites listeners to weigh in before next episode.

Memorable Quotes by Timestamp

• “Stumbling into it by accident was a weird feeling for me too... It made me feel like I wasn’t trusted with my own story.” — Adam ([03:22])
• “When we're making change... even a positive change... we forget that change and loss travel together.” — Laurie ([08:49])
• “We may have a story in our mind of what life is going to be like once we're married, and it just isn't like that.” — Gretchen ([09:36])
• “Both/And. There are aspects of your former life that you maybe miss, and there are some really exciting things about this part of your life.” — Laurie ([13:01])
• “Forgiveness is not something you can or should force.” — Daniel ([35:09])
• “The more you repeat yourself, the less he's going to want to listen to you.” — Laurie ([29:43])
• “The holidays feel like the inhale — gathering everyone close before the exhale of spring.” — Faye ([18:58])

Notable Listener Thoughts

• Complexities of blended family holiday traditions
• Creating new holiday experiences after childhood hardships
• Adapting to physical limitations, evolving family structures, and grief during the holidays
• Reframing routine family frustrations by focusing on what’s important

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Egg Donor Family Secret: [03:02]–[05:13]
• Breaking Up with the Hairdresser: [05:27]–[07:46]
• Post-Wedding Sadness: [08:49]–[14:44]
• Holiday Poll & Listener Stories: [15:26]–[21:35]
• Teen Messy Room Advice: [25:08]–[30:20]
• Cheating Roommate Dilemma Revisited: [33:22]–[36:51]
• Teaser for Next Week’s Gift-Giving Dilemma: [37:04]–[38:20]

Episode Tone and Style

• Warm, conversational, and empathetic
• Mix of expertise, personal anecdote, and listener stories
• Encourages vulnerability, "both/and" thinking, and self-compassion
• Invites ongoing audience participation and response

For more advice or to submit your own dilemma, visit sinceyouaskpodcast.com or join the conversation on social media.