Jessica Porter (3:53)

Okay, so let's get into it. This is from Clara. Hey Jessica, I love the show. I think you're so wise. I'm just 20. Maybe that's why you think I'm wise. Not at college yet, but I'm planning on going and just starting out on my path as a grown woman. I wondered what advice you would give to your younger self at that age. Clara, first of all, thanks for writing. This is a great question. I think we should all ask this question of ourselves at different times in our lives. Thank you for listening to the show and I'm really excited for you as you launch into college and your adulthood. You're at a really important juncture in your life and I love that you're asking these questions. It says a lot about who you are. First of all, I want to say at your age. At 20, I used hypnotherapy to quit smoking. I smoked two packs a day. It was really gross and yucky and I couldn't quit myself. But I went to a hypnotherapist who gave me a recording that really helped me integrate some new feelings. Relaxation allowed me to feel self esteem and pride and just set me up as at your age to, well, first of all, not be a smoker anymore, which was a big deal because I didn't want to bring that into my adulthood. But also help me, whether I knew it or not, really understand relaxation. And that's the first thing that I would say to my younger self from now, even though I think she was learning it herself. Trust, relaxation. There's power in it, you see. There's a Deeper part of you, meaning younger me, that has access to unlimited natural power. And you need to relax in some way or form in order to tap into it. And developing a relaxation practice or a meditation practice isn't lazy. It's powerful and will be good for your health and your relationships over your whole lifetime. So that's thing number one. Thing number two, which is sort of aligned with that, is go inside. Dare to listen to the depths of yourself, meditate. Because deep inside, you're connected to life itself. And that connection contains all sorts of interesting, important information. It will help you find and follow your own path in life. So that's thing number two. Number three. Not that they have to be numbered, but I numbered them. Although you have lots of control, maybe more than you know, over your mind and your reactions and even most of your actions, you are not in control of your path. Like a rose doesn't get to decide to be a tulip. So dare to be yourself and enjoy your own unique blooming. Enjoy the blooming of your life. And then when you enjoy your own blooming, you can truly celebrate the blooming of others. And it's a big garden with a ton of different plants in it. But you can only be you. And you don't necessarily get to determine your path. You just get to walk it. I hope that makes sense. So don't compare yourself to others. If you can help. Makes no sense and will get you nowhere. In fact, it'll get you resentful and feeling bad about yourself. But a tulip shouldn't feel bad about itself. It's a beautiful thing. And a rose shouldn't feel bad about itself. It's a beautiful thing. You just have to accept that your talents, your deep desires, even your ancestry, your genes, like they are making a tulip or a rose or a lysianthus or a daffodil, and let yourself enjoy that. Next or fourth, you will make mistakes. You're just growing. In fact, it's weird to even call them mistakes. You are going to learn discernment and discover who you are through trial and error, through experimentation, not mistakes. I had to work at a dry cleaner's to find out. I didn't want to work at a dry cleaner's. And there was no other way to find that out. So enjoy the experimentation. Enjoy it. It's how we figure out what the next right move is. And finally, Clara, I would say to my younger self, what you put in your body matters. You don't have to get crazy about it. And you will also learn this through experimentation, but it matters. Real food nourishes your body. And stuff from a factory, not so much. Foods from the earth carry strong energy and help you get in touch with yourself and with others. Pepsi will make you want another Pepsi. So like I said, you don't have to make big declarations around this stuff. I just want you, meaning me, or maybe you, Clara too, at 20, to hear this principle. What you put in your body matters. It has a real impact. And over time these choices begin to steer your life and determine your direction to some extent. So experiment and see what that really means inside of you. It's fun to live in a chemistry set on a planet. It's fun. And what you put in your body matters. And what you put in your mind matters too. Your mind is your laser beam. And where you aim your mind, so goes your life. So those are the things I would tell my 20 year old self. Clara, I don't know how much she would have listened to and I guess that doesn't really matter, but I hope that's helpful and I just wish you all the best as you expand into this next chapter of your life. It's a big deal, it's a real thing. And yeah, enjoy yourself and be yourself. Great. Okay, next, from Tom. What do you think success is? I find I'm always striving for success, but I also think work isn't everything. How do I strive in a healthy way? I love this question, Tom, and I think my answer is going to sort of be a slippery extension of the previous answer or include some of the same elements. So forgive me, I think success means something different to every person and it's an incredibly fruitful and important subject to ponder. And the more you recognize what success means to you specifically, the more clearly you can achieve it. So is success a feeling? Is it a number in your bank account? Is it a number of followers? Is it a sense of purpose or meaning? What does success mean in your relationships? And you know, of course we all have to consider sort of all of those questions. This stuff is deep. And I don't think most of us are born knowing exactly what we want. I mean, except the kids who knew when they were seven they wanted to be a doctor. That's like a whole other thing. And they literally know and they go on that path really doggedly. And that's what's required, I think, to be a good doctor for most people is an early commitment and a deep, deep discipline. But for the rest of us, I think we don't always know what we want or where we're going. And part of the fun of life is letting it unfold as we discover the world and in so doing, discover ourselves. When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time reading Vanity Fair magazine, which was a really great magazine. And I thought I wanted a huge house in the Hamptons because that's what I saw in Vanity Fair. But was I actually doing anything to get that house in the Hamptons? Was I working on Wall street or socking away most of my paycheck? No, I was just seeing a lot of photos of some pretty amazing places in the Hamptons. So sometimes we think we want things because we're young. We haven't really dug deep enough into ourselves, haven't experienced enough, and are just reflecting the world around us. And what our soul wants, what our deeper, subconscious self wants, is something else entirely. And that's okay. That's really normal, I think, and probably that much more common these days with everyone flaunting their lives on social media. Well, it turns out that my house in the Hamptons is actually helping other people relax. I mean, who knew? I didn't. I had to live my own life, get really deep with myself to find out. But now that I am in touch with those deeper motives or that sort of inner mission, my personal feeling of success is unfolding quite naturally. So that's the level of mind and soul, I guess, that's looking at success through those lenses. And I guess what I'm saying, Tom, is dare to really ask yourself what success means to you. And don't. Don't be. Don't judge yourself. You know, like, we want what we want. And I don't think it makes any sense trying to repress that energy. It's just working with it. And there are many lenses to look through around success. There's health, relationships, money, impact. And I hope you explore them all. But no matter what you decide success means to you, there are some basic universal laws that we all bump into along the way as we create or strive for success. So I just want to touch on those. And this is where it overlaps a bit with the previous question as well. So as you explore success, remember that you are subject to balance. Balance is like a fundamental principle in all of our lives. You, like me, are a living organism. And whether you know it or not, your body and mind are always seeking balance. So please pay attention to that. It can be as simple as, when I'm thirsty, I drink. When I'm tired, I rest. If I've Been sitting all day. I take a walk or go to the gym. But don't let some idea of success override those very basic mechanisms or inculcate some arrogant belief in you that you are above those mechanisms. And balance exists on all levels. The physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual. So I encourage you to explore them all and respect balance on all those levels. Not only will respecting balance make your journey more sustainable, they will strengthen whatever success you enjoy. So it's a win, win. Also, Tom, I encourage you to follow your intuition around success. As much as any plan you may have in your mind, you are connected to a much bigger network than you know, visible, invisible. And that sixth sense inside of you is your connection to that network. So listen to it. I've never regretted listening to my intuition, even if it doesn't make my final decision. At least I've gotten all of the information. And finally, no matter what success means to you personally or how well you pursue it, remember that it doesn't actually exist outside of you. It's not something or some trophy that you chase that you long for and you feel empty as you're pursuing it. And then that trophy finally makes you feel full. Well, if you speak to people who've spent their entire life obsessed with winning a gold medal at the Olympics or winning an Oscar or whatever it is, that trophy doesn't actually deliver fullness for that long. Over time, I've realized that when I feel whole and satisfied just in my life, I end up creating good things. I end up creating little and medium and sometimes big successes. And that's one of my versions of success itself. When I feel good inside, I think things and make things and connect with other people in ways that produce positive results. And success is a byproduct of that. Success is a, like, ripple effect from a good relationship with myself and with life. So you say in your question that you strive for success. And I understand what you're saying and I respect it. But I also want you to understand that you create success, that things begin in you and you don't need to chase so much as you open and allow and create. Then there's less striving. And I think that's a more sustainable model. But of course, Tom, like I've been saying already, everyone's different. Maybe you are an iris or a tulip or whatever. I don't know, a green bean. I don't know, Tom, you have to do you. But I hope some of my thoughts have been helpful. Thank you for listening and thank you for writing. Okay. Next from Anonymous. Hey, Jessica, I've never written into a show before, but I am so annoyed right now. My husband just spent a whole chunk of money of our money on a stupid car for him to play with. He didn't ask me first, and when I challenged him, he said he makes more than me, so it's his money he spent. We haven't booked a vacation this year and if he says that we can't afford one, I'll be so mad. What's your take on this and how do I get over it? Wow. Well, Anonymous, as a not married person, I may not be the person to ask this question of, but I will give you my take on it. So take what you like and leave the rest. Relationships, like everything else in life, are balancing mechanisms. And the problem is that the scales of balance in a relationship aren't generally visible. You have to feel them. So I often don't know that things are out of balance in a relationship until I feel angry. And that's the sign that something is, like, woefully out of kilter. And that anger is actually a really helpful signal. In fact, a teacher of mine once said that one of the purposes of anger is, is to indicate when the give and take within a relationship is out of balance. And that's what it sounds like you're experiencing here. The financial dimension of your marriage feels unfair right now. And yes, he may make more money, but that's generally the case in every relationship. Rarely does each spouse take home the exact same paycheck. But that doesn't mean that things shouldn't feel fair and equitable in some way within the marriage itself, which is a partnership. And partnerships, if they are to last, need to feel fair most of the time to both parties. Okay, but let's rewind on your feelings first. Okay. So the first thing I do when I feel angry is get my thoughts and feelings down on paper. No matter how pertinent they are to the other person, yelling and venting at them is generally too intense and runs the risk of doing damage. So I write imagining that I'm you right now. I resent my husband for getting the car he wants. Oh, and there's so much steam in that thought, I can feel it as I imagine writing it. And. And then whatever comes next, because resentments tend to beget resentments. I resent him for saying it's his money. I resent him for liking silly cars. I resent him for making more money. Whatever it is, whatever your mind is saying, and do not judge it just get it out, write it down. And there's a magic in the writing. It's very helpful to put it down on paper first and make sure he doesn't see the paper. This is not for him to mistakenly pick up. Then it sounds like another dimension of your discomfort may be a fear that you won't get what you want. So I write down my fears as well. I'm afraid we won't have a nice vacation because my husband bought that car. I'm afraid we will never be on the same page around money. I'm afraid I will always have to go without and he will always get what he wants. Again, I'm not you, so I don't know what's actually in there, but get out all the fears that you're holding onto. It may be a long list, and that's okay. Those fears aren't doing you any good, just circulating in your body. And they're certainly not helping the relationship. Great. Chances are you will feel better after a while having gotten that stuff down. As silly as it may sound, it really helps to diffuse the energy and helps you see what you really want and what's really bugging you. And that's important. So now what? Well, I'm no the furthest thing from like a couple's therapist. Okay, so just as I said before, take what resonates and forget everything else. But I want to poke and prod a little around your reaction here. Are you angry that he's getting his dream car because it is financially way out of balance and might mess with your vacation plans? Or is there also an element to this that's simply about resenting that he is treating himself, period, that he's expanding, splashing out and feels unreserved around treating himself to this thing? Sometimes I resent when others can treat themselves better than I treat myself. And unconsciously I want to pull them back to my level. And that's my problem. So I encourage you to look at that. Relationships have a vibe. And if his buying himself an expensive car feels selfish and outside of the vibe of the relationship, take a look at that. Maybe it's an invitation for you to look at what you really want and whether you're letting yourself have it. Do you splash out on yourself? Are you. Are you generous with yourself? Or are you in a pattern of denying yourself those types of pleasures and sacrificing for other people? It's not unusual for women, especially mothers. You don't indicate whether you're a mother or not. But to get into a mode of sacrifice and it makes sense when we open our hearts and bodies to other human beings coming through us. We have to be able to give and give and give. But again, we might need a little more balance. Now, the things that you want don't have to be cars, obviously, but maybe just some downtime or a facial or a walk with a friend, or a car who knows things that feel a little indulgent and selfish. Do you let yourself do that? And if not, why? Maybe instead of resenting his indulgence, you need to practice indulging more. And that doesn't always have to be about money. Okay, but now the money part. It sounds like you guys might benefit from sitting down and really talking about this because money is energy and it sounds like you guys have some mixed signals around it. He makes more, therefore that's his money in his mind. Is that something you've both agreed to? And if so, how much of it is solely his? Is it the amount beyond that which you make? And if so, do you have a slice of your money that's just for you? Like, let's get clear here. I'm not suggesting that it all goes into one pot and is split 50, 50, but if there isn't clarity around it and suddenly cars are being bought without a conversation and vacations aren't planned for and saved for, yeah, that can really throw the balance because together as a team, you guys could be doing some creating together with money and making sure that you're both really happy about it. I listened to a podcast called Money for Couples by Ramit Sethi and he sits down with couples and talks about this stuff and goes into granular detail and it is fascinating. And he encourages each member of the couple to have a separate chunk of change devoted to their own guilt free spending. No questions asked by the partner, because you each need to be able to spend freely to make yourself happy. But it's best if there's some consciousness about where that money comes from and how much. Ditto saving together for things like vacations. It's no accident that relationships can get very strained around money issues. Money is energy and in a capitalist system, we need represents things. Time, choices, power and our values. It gives us opportunities. So the more you guys can sit down and maybe even get some help around this stuff, it's not only going to support your money life, it can also be really interesting and creative and and serve to bring you together in new and even fun ways. And over time, he gets the cars and you get your vacations and you both get to feel secure and celebrate one another's abundance. And obviously it may not happen overnight and it requires real consciousness and planning. But I think it's well worth it to support your family and your future and your relationship. So check out that podcast or others like it. And I really appreciate this question. I think money is so important and we don't actually talk about it enough, or we have shame around it or embarrassment or guilt and it's a character in our lives. I remember someone very wise saying, the longest relationship you have in your entire life is with money. And I was like, wow. And then she said, and if money were a person, how would it say you're treating it? How would it describe your relationship with it? And that was like a double wow. So yeah, I encourage you to dive into this topic in your relationship because it has the power to throw off the balance really badly. But if you handle it more consciously, more lovingly, and with more clarity, it can absolutely serve your relationship. So thank you for writing Anonymous, and good luck to you. Our next question is from another Anonymous I forgave my partner for cheating, but I can't stop thinking about it. And that's where we'll leave it for today's free version of the Mailbag episode. 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