Jessica Porter (0:11)

Hi, I'm Jessica Porter, and welcome back to Sleep Magic, a podcast where I help you find the magic of your own mind, helping you to sleep better and live better. Welcome everyone. This is this month's Mailbag episode where I do my best to answer questions that you send in. But before we dive into some of these juicy issues, a few things I know I've said this before, but I need to repeat it. First, I am not an expert on any of these topics, except maybe hypnosis, so I'll give you my experience and perspective. But I may say some dumb stuff, so be forewarned and I won't pretend to know stuff that I don't. If you need professional help with any of these issues, I encourage you to seek it out. Second, this episode may not be appropriate for children. And finally, if you tend to fall asleep when you hear my voice, that's fine. But please don't listen to this while you're driving the car or doing something important. 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For me, my first response is something a friend said to me many years ago when I was flirting with a married man. She said something along the lines of being with a married man equals pain. Just pain. And I've never forgotten that and I think there are many reasons for it. First of all, Anonymous, I'm not sure what your plans are here beyond getting the affection, but if you harbor any fantasies about his leaving his wife, you could be setting yourself up. You don't indicate that in your letter, but I want to address it nonetheless. Being with someone who is officially and legally attached to someone else can set up a pattern of longing and disappointment and shame as you remain hidden in the shadows. And even if he does leave his wife for you, you will always be the woman who broke up a marriage, the person he lied about, and maybe two. So married men or fooling around with married men equals pain. It's a bit of an impossible situation. The whole affair is hidden and lied about and not taking place in the light, as it were, and that can take a toll on your self esteem and your integrity. Not to mention that you may be participating in the erosion of his marriage and the erosion of his wife's self esteem as she has creeping intuitions that all is not right when he lies to her face. Now, don't get me wrong here. It's not your fault that he's cheating. That's his responsibility. But you are aiding and abetting a betrayal. And that's something you have to live with. And in general, it just doesn't feel good. Breaks the girl code. You know, you say that he isn't getting his needs met at home. Well, there's a part of me that is suspicious about anything this guy says. I mean, he's definitely lying to her. So what makes you think he's not lying to you? It's easy to put the blame on his wife. Maybe he just wants to be fooling around. Some people get quite a thrill out of illicit sexual encounters. Lying, cheating, it increases the pleasure. And for being on the mistress side of the equation, there can be a similar thrill. That you are special, wanted more than the official woman that you are willing to take a risk for. So I would ask you, do you have any of your identity wrapped up in that? Just asking. No judgment. Like I said, I've flirted with this role myself. And I had to get clear with my deepest motivations and desires in order to help myself avoid it. Is there a reason you are going for affection and attention in an illicit situation? Was this something you saw or heard about within your family growing up? Is there a reason you aren't functioning in the light here? These are important questions to ponder, I think. And let's suppose he is telling you the truth. And for whatever reason, I'm sure it's not his fault. Things at home aren't great. You are being used to meet his needs. Is that what you are there for? The whole situation sounds pretty transactional, and perhaps that is best, given that it will probably have to end. But do you want your relationships to be transactional? So let's problem solve here. A good friend of mine once suggested that when I found it hard to make a choice about a behavior or a situation, that I take out a piece of paper and draw two lines down it, making three columns. At the top of the first column I wrote payoffs. So the question is, what are you getting here? What are the payoffs? You say love. Well, forgive me, but I'm not sure it's actual love in the best sense. But I get what you're saying. You feel attached to this person, maybe appreciated. Second, affection. Okay, check. Attention, Check. And there may be other payoffs, so be honest with yourself. You might also like that you are not his wife, that you don't have responsibilities to him beyond this hour. In the morning or any other positive aspects of this situation, write them down. And then in the second column, the title is ripoffs. The things you are losing or ways in which the situation is hurting you. Maybe you feel hidden or some shame, or you can't tell your friends about it, or he never calls, or you sometimes long to be the primary relationship in his life. Maybe you're experiencing longing or frustration, and that's painful. So write all that down. This is a classic pros and cons list. And seeing these two columns is very powerful, especially when you see the price you may be paying for this. And in the third column, and I can't remember the title of the third column, I think I had it. Had an off in it somewhere, making it a cute off, off, off. But anyway, in the third column, you list alternative, healthier ways in which you can get the payoffs. So, for instance, love is a payoff. So maybe you need to develop love of other kinds, at least for now. Love of self, love of nature, love for other humans. I mean, love is a big topic, much bigger than an early morning rendezvous. And then when it comes to romantic love, I don't know, tell your friends you're available. Read books about romance and the hurdles we all face in finding a good partner. When you're ready, maybe get on the apps, but get some healing in this department. Make it a project. Committing in this direction without all the secrecy and shame may kick up lots of things, good and bad, but it will help you grow through your own issues, which we all have to do to have healthy relationships. It'll make you a better partner for the next guy, the available guy who comes along. The next payoff is affection. Yeah, affection is important. We all need affection. So, again, lean on your friends, pets, family members. And in terms of physical affection, it's really important to understand that women secrete a lot of oxytocin when we are aroused or touched by someone we're attracted to. And oxytocin is a bonding hormone. It causes us to bond with the person who's stimulating that arousal, stimulating the production of the hormone. And sometimes that's how we get into situations that aren't good for us. We meet someone new, we get physical too fast, and then, boom, before we know it, we are bonded to someone who is not available or who is not that nice to us. An oxytocin is real, and we have more of it than men do. So we're more vulnerable to this phenomenon. It's like invisible crazy glue. So when you reach out for affection. Anonymous Beware. You don't move too quickly with someone you don't have a good foundation with. Get a massage, hug your friends, read erotica. But take your time before you get physically vulnerable with a new partner, because you can get into a whole deep and quite difficult experience. Finally, attention. Now this is interesting. We all need attention, but when we're willing to get it in less than stellar situations or ways like being a side piece, I think what's really screaming out is that little kid inside who needs attention. From your adult self, maybe, or some deep healing around attention. Every relationship we have is some kind of reflection of our relationship to ourselves. Whether it's the vibe or the standards we hold, or the boundaries we keep or fail to keep, each issue on the outside is generally pointing to an issue inside ourselves, often patterns we picked up from childhood. So please begin by giving that attention to yourself. Generously, lovingly, and if it's difficult, get support around it. As your relationship with yourself improves, you will attract and create healthier situations. So thank you. Anonymous Great question. I hope everything works out for you. And please keep us posted. Okay, next from Cheryl. Another relationship. Do you think they're people you're meant to be with? Like soulmates? Are they real? I'm still looking for mine. Oh Cheryl, this is such a great question. Such a common question. Not for me, but just the world. I think all of us wrestle with this on some level. Personally, I do believe that there are people with whom we have extremely powerful connections. Connections that are deep and impact energy in us in ways that others do not. So yes. Now whether they are part of some divine plan, I don't know and I'm not sure anyone will be able to prove it one way or another. I mean, I've been with people with whom I have felt that otherworldly connection like a lightning bolt in every chakra and a soul level feeling that we were connected and yet for them it wasn't that big a deal or they felt it at first and then it meant something different to them over time. And conversely, I've met other people for whom I seem to be that special person and yet I don't really feel it. So if soulmates are about how we feel, I guess timothee Chalamet has 10 million soulmates. So I think the question is, what are you looking for when you say soulmate? A certain feeling between you, A mystical set of circumstances that appears to bring you together, a sense that you've been together before. I think it would be really helpful to get really clear about this so you know exactly what you're looking for, and then maybe test those assumptions. Sometimes we imagine a soulmate thinking that this person will be such a perfect fit that as a couple, we will never have problems or never have to look at ourselves. When we imagine our soulmate, we rarely imagine someone who causes discomfort or pain or has us on our knees at a therapist's office. But that may be exactly what our soul needs. So get clear about what you mean by soulmate, and be honest with yourself. You may not be looking beyond some initial feeling or initial sparks. Personally, I think a soulmate is someone who speaks to our soul, like, connects with us on a deep, often unconscious level. Generally someone with whom we have a natural chemistry. Maybe we have a shared vision and create things together. Now, the big soulmate, capital S, Capital M, the 1, this is the person. We want to create a life together, generally monogamously. And that's great, but do we really want to leave that up to chance and entirely? Perhaps building a solid foundation within yourself and becoming realistic about what's possible sets you up better for finding someone with whom you have great and sustainable compatibility, because the feelings at the beginning of the relationship, like I said, are just the beginning. There's more to it than the feelings and the perception of magic. My sister, now in her 50s, has been married to the guy she met at 21. So they've really grown together in kind of a soul matey way. And I think they have a really good marriage. And she says, you only ever get 7/10 of the pie, so you better be able to live with the 3/10 you don't get meaning. You have to make peace with the fact that your mate is human, separate from you, imperfect and fallible. So it helps me to think that maybe we have many soulmates because many people can help us to get closer to our own souls. And many people provide opportunities for us to love their souls. I mean, you wouldn't limit yourself to one friend or one job or loving just one of your siblings. Your soul is capable of loving many, many people and animals and things it loves in many directions and over a very long time. I think when we crave one single connection, it's because we want to feel a certain specialness or avoidance of our issues, and that may be more about our own needs and not so much about truly loving another person. So be open to your soulmates. Hopefully there are plenty of them, and then be willing to work on things, mostly yourself. I think you need to be honest Take responsibility for your own soul and your own ego, which tends to interfere with things. And knowing yourself is no mean feat. And if you want to put your soul on the line with another person, let's hope you know yourself that they know themselves and that they are worthy of that responsibility. A healthy relationship requires more than attraction. It's a lot of things, including a certain maturity required for getting through the rough stuff. Because no matter what, your soulmate, at some point is going to hand you one of those three slices of the pie. And you will feel repelled by that person, as repelled by them as you were initially attracted. And you will have to work on yourself in order to learn how to love that person. And it may be hard. I wish you much love, Cheryl, in every direction, and I hope I haven't been a bummer. And when the soul mates come along, the ones that really upend your world, I hope that they help you love even more deeply, both them and yourself. So thank you for your question. Next from Beth. Hey, Jessica, would you recommend hypnotherapy for phobias? I'm terrified of flying. My son has moved from east to west coast, so I'm going to have to fly to go and see him and my future grandkids. But I can't get over my fear. Thank you, Beth. Thank you for this question. Yes, hypnotherapy has a very good track record with phobias, and this is how it works. So your subconscious mind is a learning machine, and it never sits still. If you are learning French, you get better at French. If you're learning coding, you get better at coding, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but the trajectory is always toward improvement and refinement. That's the good news. Your subconscious mind is a learning machine. The bad news is that your subconscious mind doesn't distinguish between the helpful things and the unhelpful things. So although you can learn a new language, you can also learn to do drugs or hurt yourself in some way. And it is this capacity for learning, even the negative responses, that cause us to end up with phobias. And phobias don't begin as phobias. They generally begin with a fearful moment or a shocking experience that never really gets worked through or released. The body holds it. And then in subsequent exposures to the same thing or place or whatever it is, the body feels that initial fear again, and this time a little stronger and then stronger because it's a learning machine. And then the response develops a life of its own. That's generally how a Phobia develops. Now, before I explain the technique for releasing phobias, let me just say that it only works if the person is really motivated to change. And that's true with all hypnotherapy. Really, it's true in life. You have to want to change to want to see a new result in your life. For hypnosis to work, it's not magic fairy dust, but the wanting doesn't have to come from some elevated place. And you don't need to feel the wanting 100%. It needs to be like over 50% against resistance. And sometimes you just need to change. So wanting is not even really involved. Like, if your desire and need to see your son and your future grandchildren is pretty important to you, and I presume that it is, that's a great motivation for change. And it is the most important factor in hypnotic success. So you're halfway there, more than halfway. So in explaining this technique to you, I'm not going to use flying. I want to make it broader for both you and others to get the gist of it. But I also don't want to use something scary. So let's imagine you're afraid of, let's say, books. You are afraid of books because one day someone closed a book on your finger and it both hurt and scared you. So you begin to have a negative reaction whenever you see a book. You sort of replay the fear inside of you when you see one. Now that doesn't seem like a life altering thing, just an annoyance at first. But because the subconscious mind is always learning and refining, their reaction is getting stronger, not weaker. We're always moving in one direction or another, never standing still. So a few years later, you find that you are short of breath when you see a book. Or the idea of stepping into a library is overwhelming and gives you a panic attack if a phobia becomes really developed, it could mean stuff like driving down a different street to avoid the library. And the thing is, burning every single book in the whole world wouldn't solve your problem because the problem lives inside your subconscious mind. Even the thought of a book causes a response. So in this situation, many hypnotists use some version of what we call exposure therapy. But we do it in profound relaxation with the individual who has the phobia very, very deeply relaxed. And this sort of gets below their trigger response in the body. And it usually begins very gently. Like I would have you go into deep relaxation and imagine watching a movie in a plush movie theater and on the screen in black and white. Is you standing near a book. Now, just that might cause you to feel some discomfort, but because you are deeply relaxed and you are at a few removes from actually interacting with the book. You're watching a movie in black and white of another version of yourself just near a book. You can handle it. And then we watch the scene progress. Perhaps you touch the book, then handle it, then open it, then read it, taking it one step at a time as you adjust again and again to the new images from profound relaxation from below, that response that the phobia has always produced. So we repeat exposures like this, always being very sensitive to where you are at. We would continue this process until finally you would be watching a color movie of yourself, happily picking up a book and reading it. Your nervous system would be so exposed beneath the level of the phobia that you're actually basically creating a new habit, a new learning, which is comfort with books. And then I'd imagine or ask you to step into the movie screen and start doing it yourself. And by this point, you would become so desensitized to books and creating this new relationship to him that it would not be a big deal at all. Then one final little icing on the cake is that we have you in the movie running the interaction with the book forwards and backwards at increasing speeds. Forward, backward, forward, backward. So it becomes like nothing like a silly Marx brothers movie in your nervous system. So we're taking advantage of the subconscious mind's capacity to learn, but this time in the positive direction, creating new responses. And that is exposure therapy for phobias. Now, there are some other ways to approach this. Often in conjunction with this technique, your hypnotist could make you a personal recording specially designed to use on a plane. If you have specific memories of a scary experience on a plane, a hypnotist can help you clear them. So there are more than a few ways to approach this topic, but the answer to your question is yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's go see your son and future grandkids. I'm on the west coast. We can have lunch. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Beth, for that question. And please let us know how it goes. Okay, next, from Anonymous. I just found out my daughter cheated on her boyfriend recently. We had a row about it, and I told her why I thought this was awful behavior and that I was disappointed. Should I punish her like normal, like when she stays out after curfew or is disrespectful to us? Or is that overstepping? I'm not sure how to approach this situation. Ugh. Well, first of all, let me say anonymous. 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