Jessica Porter (17:15)
To grapple with that because it's not going to change. I love you and I want to be with you, but the nourishment I require to be a healthy person comes first. And if I don't get it, our relationship is going to end anyway. What I didn't say to him, although I had in the past, was, you need help. Get off my back. I can't handle your problems. That never worked. Well, he didn't like that conversation much, but he heard it. And you know why he heard it? Because I meant it. I really, really meant it. I was willing to let go of the relationship if it was going to interfere with my own health and relationship to myself in relationship to nature and the rest of the world. And after just a short period of time, maybe a few months, he started getting his own support outside of our relationship. He went and stretched beyond our circuit. But my nagging him to do it never worked. Believe me. Like I said, I tried. I had to commit to my own support and just be willing to let the cookie crumble if it needed to. So anonymous, your boyfriend's issues are bigger than you and probably bigger than him at this point. And that is not your fault, nor is it your problem to solve. You can only ever look at your own stuff. But the good news is that that is often the magic key that let situations unfold as they should. I hope that helps. And good luck with your relationship. Thank you for writing. Next, from Phoebe. I just turned 30, and honestly, I feel like I'm already having a bit of a midlife crisis. I keep hearing about meditation retreats. Some people have life changing epiphanies or at least it helps clear their head. But they're pricey and I'm torn on whether it's worth it. Have you ever been on one? Should I just go for it? Oh, Phoebe, I love this. First of all, 30 is huge. And yeah, I think there is a little bit of a crisis around it. No doubt. I remember when I turned 30, I had a couple of big insights. The first was, uh, oh, the world is taking me seriously now. Like you land in adult world and I didn't have my wild and exploratory twenties to lean on anymore. People weren't cutting me the same kind of slack. I was officially a grown up in everyone's eyes. And that was great because it forces you to grow up. But it also meant I had to take my life more seriously, which was a bit scary. Second, I realized that my body was a vehicle I had to take care of. And I mean, this didn't happen the day I turned 30, but it was around that time I realized I could no longer sort of drive it all night on crappy gas and just expect it to bounce back or treat it like it was immortal or not or a machine. And that was huge because on the heels of that, I had to realize that I was the only person who could actually take care of it and make the frontline decisions about what happened to it. And in taking care of my body, you know, that included my mind. So let's turn to the idea of meditation, which is a very effective and important way of treating and taking care of your mind. Wow. You know, it's just so funny, Phoebe. If we spent half the time managing our minds that we do, managing our eyebrows. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not making a joke. I mean, think about it. We are obsessed with the outer parts of our being. We spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup, on our hair, on our bodies. An inordinate amount of time, energy and attention all the way to obsession. For many people. We look in mirrors. We Take billions of selfies. And yet inside of you and me is this invisible system, this beautiful force which animates our entire inner life and it spills out of our bodies. It is our vibe. And the mind is part of that. And no matter how attractive we become on the outside, it is this inner being that actually governs our lives. It's our vibe that we're bringing to relationships, to work, to, to the universe, not our eyebrows. Your vibe is actually running your show so you can turn up at the party looking like a 10. But if you're a mess on the inside, the vibe eventually arrives too. And it simply doesn't matter what shoes you're wearing. So shouldn't we give at least as much time to this invisible inner part of us? This inner being? Uh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, and did I mention yes? And I'm not trying to be flippant about your question, Phoebe. I promise. We are all trained, especially in the Western world, to be more interested in the outside. The results, the conquest and the winning, and comparing ourselves to others. You are not alone in this. So it makes a lot of sense that you're wrestling with this question. And I'm really glad you are. So let's talk about meditation first. Meditation, if nothing else, is the most practical tool there is. It's like brushing your teeth, but your mental teeth. It gives you space to self reflect. Flip through your mental to do list, brush aside annoying mosquitoes of your mind or examine them. Being still will make you sit through impulses you may not want to act on. And that's always good. Oh look, I'm biting my tongue when someone starts gossiping at the office. Thanks. Meditation. Oh look, I'm passing on that second cupcake at the office party. Thanks. Meditation. Meditation lets you look at what's going on inside so you can let go of what doesn't really matter and face the day with more agency, more choices and more dimension. You wouldn't leave the house without brushing your hair, so why would you leave the house without brushing your mind? Now, I have explored a bunch of different types of meditation. Japanese Zen, Korean Zen. Something called the School of Practical Philosophy in New York City, which was based on Indian tradition. But the one I landed on and continue to practice is called vipassana, which means insight or seeing things as they are. Now, you asked if I'd ever been on a retreat. There's different types of retreats. Obviously there are weekend retreats, but the one that I went on was a 10 day Vipassana retreat, almost 30 years ago and I promise you I'll never do it again because it was very challenging, but also absolutely and unequivocally one of the best things I've ever done. It had a profound impact on me. Now, in order to answer your question, I just went on their website to see if and where Vipassana retreat centers are still functioning. And they are. They're all over the world and they're free. They house you, they feed you. All told it's a 12 day experience because they're sort of the arrival day, 10 days of meditating and then the leaving day. But I also looked at the rules and the schedule of meditation and honestly, in a way, I can't even believe I did it. It's pretty strict, especially considering we live in a cell phone world. Now we're talking. No talking, no reading, no being on your phone, no interacting with the other participants. It's a very internal solo exercise with up to 10 hours of meditation a day. Now, not in one big block, split up in one and two hour blocks, but it's intense. Now I went to this meditation retreat because my friend Lisa Silverman is like my soul sister. And I have a policy in my life which is if Lisa tells me to do it, do it. She's just one of those people that just radiates healthy things. So I listened to her and when I was about 27, I was driving around the country and there was a Vipassana retreat in Texas. And I remember talking to her on the phone and I said, I'm really nervous about this. At the time I was wrestling with an eating disorder. I was afraid I would overeat. I was afraid I would freak out or just sink into some weird dark place in myself. And I remember Lisa saying, this will only just bring you closer to yourself. That's all it will do is bring you closer to yourself. So there's nothing to be afraid of. Now for some people that is a scary prospect. But for me, at the time, I'd done enough work on myself that I was like, oh, I know my major stuff. The worst case scenario, I'll just be bored or in pain from the sitting. Although you can sit on a chair if you need to. So a 10 day Vipassana retreat is not necessarily something I would recommend to a beginner. But many Vipassana centers have two day retreats or different ways of introducing you to the practice. And there are many teachers in the western world who have been influenced by Vipassana. Jack Kornfield, Cheryl Salzberg, and other teachers. So there are ways of studying it without immersing yourself completely or at least for 10 days. Let me tell you what I like specifically about Vipassana. Well, first of all, you mentioned that these retreats seemed expensive. Well, this 10 day retreat, it's free. And in fact they will not take any money from anyone who has not sat the course. And at that point it's on a donation basis. After I did the 10 day course, I gave them a healthy donation because I knew it had changed my life completely. But I've never received an email from them or a letter or a phone call soliciting more funds. So it's not a money thing. But more than that, having done a bunch of different types of meditation, this meditation is very body centric. It's a form of meditating that's very connected to your actual body. You're not just hanging out in your mind. It grounded me in me, in my sensations, in the conflicts I held in my own flesh. And I really crave that. And I find that because it's so incorporated, it doesn't get fluffy and into opinions or ideas that might take me on a journey that doesn't feel centered or grounded. It's not a bunch of rules to follow or ideas to meditate on. You're literally meditating on your own body and that helps release and free you from the gunk you may be carrying both physically, emotionally and mentally. Vipassana doesn't have some hallowed guru. And there was a guy named Guanka, funny name, who was our teacher via video. Every night we would watch a class and he would teach more of the technique. But he has passed away and no one's worshiping him. There aren't like pictures of Gawank all over the place. And he's just a teacher and he's very humble and real. You do not, by taking Vipassana, have to declare yourself a Buddhist or you can come from any walk of life and Vipassana will welcome you. It's just a powerful technique for clearing the mind and liberating your inner being. Learning it doesn't mean you have to go up some set of ranks or become part of some community. And I really, really like that. And finally it really helped me understand how my mind works. And I don't mean that in a psychological way. I mean it like we have these habits. The subconscious mind sets up little rooms and cravings and resentments. And I saw that I could meditate through that stuff and get past it and become more equanimous and more heart centered. And so it was an incredibly powerful tool for the rest of my life to manage my own mind. I mean, like I said, I went on that retreat like a zillion years ago, but it's still having an impact on me today, even though I don't. You know, they recommend you meditate quite regularly for long periods of time if you can. And I'm like, no, sometimes I'll just do 15 minutes. But it's there. It's a practice. So going back to your letter, those epiphanies your friends are having, sure, we should all be having epiphanies on a somewhat regular basis if we're growing and evolving, but you can't really go aiming for them. Epiphanies tend to come in through the back door when we're not looking. And meditation clears the mind, making it more open to those kinds of awakenings and insights. It sort of clears the deck. And below the deck, yeah, there are insights to be had. And under those insights, well, ultimately, meditation helps us align with that big universal energy inside us, animating us. That vibe. Now, that might sound like a big thing, and yet it's just a simple truth. And the more you live with that truth and align with it, the easier life is. The more you align with that inner vibe, that powerful energy running through you that has, you know, little or no ego attached. You experience less suffering and more joy, and you're able to call on universal energy and use it in your pursuits. The more you can listen to your intuition. So meditation is not a big deal at first, and it may seem boring or, you know, challenging to just brush your mind, but over time, it's a very big deal. When you start meditating, especially at a younger age, you are investing in clarity and peace and wisdom, and you're exploring your own subconscious mind. And that pays off. Over time. That changes your choices, your behaviors, the community you grow around you, and even the family you create. And the great thing is, it's not like, hey, you have to take this protein powder that contains this magic ingredient. If you don't, you've basically missed the train and you're a loser. No, with meditation, you can start anytime. You are the subject. You are exploring yourself all the way down to that universal self. And whether you do it or not or skip a day, you're still here. So I think it comes down to this. Imagine that you lived on top of a diamond mine. Now, I know diamond mining is a little complicated in our current world, but let's just imagine Diamonds right underneath you. Would you dig or no? I say dig. Please let us know, Phoebe, how it goes. Thank you so much for that question. I loved exploring that topic. And, yeah, please keep listening. Next. Jessica, I've been sleepwalking since I was a kid, and it still happens sometimes as an adult. The most common place I find myself is in my office, sat in my desk chair. Weird. Anything I can do to stop this? I listen to sleep magic to get me to sleep, but I still do this. This is very, very interesting. This is from Caitlin. Very interesting. Thank you so much for writing. Now, I'm not sure if I'll be able to give you the perfect suggestion for this issue. And there may be hypnotherapists in the world who work on this actively and regularly, so I encourage you to seek them out. From the phrasing of your question, when you said, I find myself in my office, sat in my desk chair, it sounds like you may be from England. And there's lots of good hypnotherapists in England who can possibly tackle this. However, let's discuss regardless. First of all, you ask in your message if you can stop this behavior. And obviously I understand why you're asking that and what you're looking for. But the part of you that is sleepwalking is very definitely your subconscious mind. That's what's active when we sleep. And then one of the things about the subconscious mind, it's governed by a lot of different rules, but one of them is that it doesn't like being told what not to do. In fact, the subconscious mind doesn't even comprehend the words don't or not. Like, when I work with someone who wants to change a behavior. In my practice, we don't focus on the unwanted behavior. We create a whole new behavior and incentivize the client to move in the new direction. That's what the subconscious mind likes to do. It likes to add, not subtract. Instead of, I don't smoke anymore. It's, I feel free and clean and happy about myself. So I think we need to begin with accepting this behavior. In fact, I encourage you to make friends with this behavior, delight in it, even love it. I mean, unless you're doing dangerous things, which doesn't sound like you are, can you step into actually enjoying this, owning it, integrating it? And if you and I were doing hypnosis around it, I would have you in hypnosis, sit at that desk chair in the middle of the night imagining that, and really feel into it. What are you getting There. What are you feeling? Are there memories attached to it? Stress, Unresolved conflicts? And the answers may be very subtle or fuzzy at first, but your subconscious mind is getting something from sitting at that desk. And generally the subconscious is looking for a feeling. Maybe you need to really lean into that feeling in order to let it change. I've had recurring dreams in my life that were very potent and sometimes perplexing. But when I let myself feel into them, sort of try them on like costumes, make friends with them, I got insights into what they were really about. And once I accepted those feelings and worked them through, the dreams tended to stop recurring, like their message had finally been received. Okay, one more angle on this, Caitlin, because you said that you've been doing this a lot, and I get the impression you're not so much concerned with what's going on at the desk, although that might be interesting to explore. It's the sleepwalking and itself. It is normal for the body to go into a sort of frozen state when we sleep, especially when we dream. Our ability to move and to speak is diminished while we dream. It's called rem, or rapid eye movement atonia. And this stops most people from sleepwalking and sleep talking. It stops the body from acting out what the mind is doing. And although sleepwalking is not uncommon, especially among kids, it may be that for whatever reason, and it could even be genetic, because sleepwalking tends to run in families, that your brain isn't supplying you with the compound that causes the body to inhibit these impulses. Now, I am not a doctor, and frankly, the doctors are still figuring this stuff out. Sleep is somewhat mysterious to this day, but that could be a factor. Now, I don't know if there's treatment for that or medication for that, I'm not sure, or whether you'd want to live with the side effects. I would ask you, can you make friends with this first before you do anything, and see what that gets you? Thank you so much for writing, Caitlin. Thank you for listening. Okay, that's it for now. We do this monthly with extended episodes for subscribers. So please submit your questions in the next few weeks so I can answer them on the next mailbag. You can ask me anything, whether it's about an issue you're having, a question about me, or just a question about life. I'm open to answering as many as I can, so be sure to send them in. If you listen to this podcast on Apple or the Sleepiest app, send your questions to HelloLeepMagic FM. That's HelloLeepMagic FM. If you listen on any other podcast platform, go to the Show Notes and there's a link in the Show Notes, a Supercast link, and within that link is a feature called Ask Me Anything and you can leave a question there. I really look forward to hearing your questions and please let us know in the reviews what you thought of this episode. Also, I'm sorry that we can't get to everyone's questions. Sometimes they don't pertain to a big audience or I'm not great at answering them. So thank you. If you send in questions and you haven't heard them yet, it's not that we don't love you, but you might want to try another question if you haven't heard yours. So thank you, thank you, thank you for listening, as always, and good night.
