Sleep Magic: Mailbag Episode – The Comparison Trap, Chronic Pain & Identifying Gaslighting

Host: Jessica Porter (Sleep Magic Podcast)
Date: October 30, 2025

Episode Overview

In this October Magic Mailbag episode, hypnotherapist Jessica Porter addresses questions from listeners that go beyond just sleep concerns, touching on themes of self-worth and comparison, the experience of chronic pain, and how to respond to gaslighting. Drawing from her expertise in hypnotherapy and personal experience, Jessica offers thoughtful, gentle, and practical guidance to help listeners navigate emotional challenges, mental health struggles, and complex interpersonal dynamics.

1. The Comparison Trap

Listener Question from Em: How can I stop comparing myself to others, especially close friends, and maintain joy in my own accomplishments?
Segment Start: [02:25]

Key Insights

• The Inevitability of Comparison:
  Jessica acknowledges that "every human mind wrestles with it to some extent or another" ([03:06]), emphasizing that comparing ourselves to others is universal but often unhelpful.

• Life is Your ‘Solo Venture’:
  "You are creating your own movie of your life through your body, only you. And it's basically a solo venture." ([03:41])

• Why Comparison is Futile:

  • You cannot truly see or experience life through someone else’s body, genes, or environment.
  • "No matter how much you fantasize or get angry at yourself for not being them, it is an impossible task. So I encourage you to not let your mind indulge it. Comparison will only bring you pain." ([05:38])

• The Consequences of Comparison:

  • Jessica outlines two dysfunctional paths: using comparison to feel superior (inflating the ego) or inferior (self-deprecation), both of which lead to separation from others and ourselves ([07:01]).
  • "Both ways of comparing lead to separation from yourself and from others. And there's only really suffering there, because even a drunken ego gets a hangover." ([07:13])

• Embracing Your Journey:

  • True contentment comes from engaging in self-discovery and embracing your unique talents and circumstances, rather than measuring yourself by others.
  • "One of the great pleasures of life is discovering yourself in different situations, different relationships, and under different pressures." ([07:56])

• The Paradox of Connection:
  Despite our individuality, we are fundamentally connected by the same life force.

  • "We are all actually made of the same stuff. The same natural, beautiful life force beneath our personalities, beneath our egos, beneath all the comparing." ([09:27])

• Hypnosis and Shifting Perspectives:
  Jessica shares how hypnotherapy can foster a holistic perception, moving beyond the dualistic, comparing mind.

  • "When you relax and slip into a more holistic way of perceiving things through your subconscious mind, boom, you land in your body and you see that everything is actually connected and working together." ([10:28])

Practical Tip

When you catch yourself comparing, actively look for something to celebrate about the person you're comparing yourself to—shift from comparison to appreciation.
"By honoring and praising her, you're actually giving to yourself. By appreciating her, you are bathing yourself in that light, too." ([12:37])
"When you celebrate others, you celebrate life itself. And you celebrate yourself. Because when we come from this energy place, there's no actual division between us. And the better you feel about others and other things, the better you feel about you." ([12:59])

2. Responding to Gaslighting

Listener Question from J: How should I respond to gaslighting?
Segment Start: [15:40]

Key Insights

• Definition:
  Gaslighting is "someone insisting on a fact or reality that is not how you perceive it, and in so doing, they're trying to make you doubt yourself" ([16:01]). It's "an active" and toxic form of manipulation.

• First Step – Distance:
  If you are sure you are being gaslit:

  • "You need to create distance from them because you're not going to change them... Remove yourself from the relationship and find a healthier one, or at least have a plan to do that." ([16:52])
  • "People only change if they really want to, and that can take much more work than anyone recognizes. So do not try and fix them, or forgive your way out of this, or think that love will cure this." ([17:28])

• Reassert Your Truth:

  • "After you get out of the relationship, or as you do the work to get away, I think it's important to state your truth. Report on your instincts, report on your intuition wherever you need to, and especially in safe environments where you can be reinforced and supported by people who can reflect your truth back to you." ([17:53])

• Question Your Lenses:
  If unsure, Jessica invites reflection on personal and relational perspectives, sharing how personal backgrounds shape the “lenses” we bring to relationships.

  • Example: Comparing her Canadian upbringing with a friend's experience in post-revolution Iran to illustrate different baseline assumptions and projections ([19:18]-[21:26]).
  • "When we meet a new person, we tend not to realize that we are looking at them through our own set of lenses." ([21:26])

• Relationship “Wheel” Exercise:
  Imagine every person (including yourself) as the hub of a wheel, with each spoke representing a relationship. Are the spokes strong and reliable or broken? Use this mental check to assess relational stability ([24:21]-[25:57]).

Practical Questions to Ask Yourself

• "What exactly makes you think you are being gaslit?" ([23:35])
• "How well do you know this person?" ([23:39])
• "Is your intuition giving you signals that aren't being reflected in the relationship?" ([23:43])
• "What are your patterns? What are this other person's patterns that you know of?" ([23:52])

Memorable Moment & Quote

"If the spokes of your wheel are mainly stable and strong, while this other person has broken spokes and kind of a spotty history, it's time to detach." ([26:20])

3. Staying Positive with Chronic Pain

Listener Question from Carrie: How do you remain positive when you have chronic pain (neck pain) and struggle with depression?
Segment Start: [26:45]

Key Insights

• The Mind’s Focus Shapes Experience:

  • "Where you focus your mind, your whole life tends to follow... When you experience suffering or an injury, it's very natural for the mind to focus on it." ([27:10])

• The Cycle of Pain and Tension:

  • When discomfort arises, the nervous system tenses up, which amplifies pain and negative emotions, creating a self-reinforcing pattern ([28:01]-[28:34]).
  • Jessica shares a personal story of sciatic pain in her early 30s, building a vivid metaphor of a “garden of tension” that grew around a single physical symptom ([28:47]).

• Breaking the Cycle Through Relaxation:

  • Jessica shares her hypnotherapy technique:
    "Every time I felt the sensation, I would relax physically as soon as I registered the sensation... That was the exact opposite of what I'd been doing up until that point." ([31:38])

• Letting Go Mentally and Emotionally:

  • Rather than forcing positive thoughts, she practiced simply relaxing and “giving up” resistance, which over time brought relief ([32:27]).
  • "It was just relaxing, just letting go... letting go, letting go, letting go. And I tell you, it was quite a relief to not be scaring the heck out of myself..." ([33:09])

• The Power of Releasing Reaction:
  Jessica notes she didn't cure the underlying cause directly but helped her body heal by not adding negative tension, physically and mentally ([33:42]).

Practical Suggestion for Carrie

• "Every time I feel this discomfort… I relax. Every time I feel this sensation, I relax." ([35:08])
• Drop your shoulders, soften your face and belly, and keep practicing this relaxation with every pain cue.
• "You have more power than you know, Carrie. So keep us posted and I'm wishing you all the best." ([35:44])

Memorable Quotes

• On Comparison:
  "Comparison will only bring you pain. So that's the good news. You are, Em. And that's final." ([05:57])

• On Gaslighting:
  "An individual who knowingly causes someone else to feel crazy is not ready for a healthy relationship." ([17:06])

• On Chronic Pain:
  "It was just relaxing, just letting go... And I practiced that a lot, because I felt the sensation a lot. Letting go, letting go..." ([32:51])

Important Timestamps

| Topic | Main Segment | Notable Quotes | |-----------------------------------|--------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | The Comparison Trap | 02:25–13:24 | "You are creating your own movie of your life…" ([03:41]) | | Responding to Gaslighting | 15:40–26:40 | "Remove yourself from the relationship…" ([16:52]) | | Relationship “Wheel” Exercise | 24:21–25:57 | "If the spokes of your wheel..." ([26:20]) | | Chronic Pain & Positivity | 26:45–35:44 | "Every time I feel this discomfort… I relax." ([35:08]) |

Tone & Style

Jessica’s tone throughout is warm, compassionate, candid, and empowering. She combines gentle storytelling, clear metaphors, and actionable steps, inviting listeners to both normalize struggle and take small steps toward self-compassion and healing.

Listener Engagement

Jessica encourages listeners to send in questions for future mailbag episodes via various channels, inviting open-ended dialogue on any topic related to sleep, mental wellness, or life in general.

Summary prepared for those who want the heart of the episode, with context, quotes, and practical wisdom—without missing the soothing, insightful spirit of Sleep Magic.