But I know that I could still make a better catch than Limas Sweed if someone told me right now to run a go route down Monterey Blvd. and onto the 280 freeway here in San Francisco. Did I just say I could do a better job catching a pass from Big Ben than a man who is 6’5 and runs a 4.55 forty? Well, at least if I dropped the ball I wouldn’t waste an injury timeout wallowing in my own pity-party. Failing even that, I know I could draft Desean Jackson in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft. I COULD. PICK ME FOR GM CLUELESS OWNER OF THE NINERS. PICK ME!!!!!! [waves arms frantically]. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THE WORDS “Kentwan Balmer” UTTERED AGAIN.

Wait, why on earth did I waste my opening on the inept offenses in the coma-inducing AFC Championship Game? Everybody wants to hear about the explosiveness of Larry Fitzgerald and Desean Jackson, or perhaps the cunning of our favorite supermarket shelf-stocker, Kurt Warner. People probably don’t want to hear about Emil’s designs on the Cromartie gene pool, but you gotta take the good with the bad. Kinda like putting the hopes of your season on a rookie QB with a unibrow much fiercer than his catatonic, I mean, placid demeanor. I think the unibrow created the 8 foot blind spot that Troy Polamalu was hiding in.

It’s now 2:30am and I’m turning malicious and about as funny as Carrot Top or Howie Long.

Without further adieu, everything you wanted to know about the AFC & NFC Championship games but were afraid to ask.

I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR TRUCK

Wow . . . .

And Soooooo . . . here . . . we . . . go!

Emil will not be invited to Mitch Berger’s Wedding (podcast link)