Smart Girl Dumb Questions

Episode Title: Does Marriage Kill Love? with a Million Dollar Divorce Attorney
Host: Nayeema Raza
Guest: James Sexton, Esq., Divorce Attorney
Release Date: February 10, 2026

Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Nayeema Raza sits down with renowned divorce attorney James Sexton to tackle the deceptively simple question: “Does marriage kill love?” The discussion dives deep into the realities of modern marriage, analyzing why relationships fail, the myths we’re sold about love, and whether traditional marriage—viewed as a “technology”—serves our needs today. Drawing from thousands of cases and real-world experience, Sexton explores what makes relationships resilient (or doomed), highlights the mismatch between romantic ideals and legal realities, and proposes ways to rethink—or even redesign—the institution of marriage.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Cycle of Divorce: Why It Peaks in January

Timestamps: [00:00]-[01:29]

• “Holiday ceasefire” means people avoid divorcing near the holidays, but filings spike in January, like a “gym rush.”
• Repeat clients exist: co-parenting disputes, serial marriages, and “marriage terrorists” who never seem to learn.

The Reality Behind Divorce & Dissatisfaction Rates

Timestamps: [01:29]-[03:57]

• Divorce stats are misleading: many unhappy couples stay together for practical reasons (“off the radar”).
• Estimated that up to 70-75% of marriages are unsuccessful, if you include functional but unfulfilling ones.
• “We’ve sold people some imagined view of what this is supposed to look like that bears almost no resemblance to reality.” — James Sexton [03:40]

Cultural Mythmaking: The “Marriage Industrial Complex”

Timestamps: [03:35]-[04:13]

• Marriage is culturally marketed and idealized (“propaganda”)—much bigger business than divorce.
• Rom-coms and social media have set unrealistic expectations for effortless, lifelong romance.

The Gottmans’ Four Horsemen & Disconnection as Root Cause

Timestamps: [03:57]-[05:26]

• Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all symptoms of disconnection.
• Sexton: “We fall in love really fast, and we fall out of love the way we go bankrupt: very slowly, then all at once.” [04:13]

Why Marriages Really End (and Why It's Subjective)

Timestamps: [05:26]-[07:55]

• Every relationship narrative is biased; even lawyers, armed with “forensic evidence,” never glimpse the full truth.
• “The truth is at the bottom of a bottomless pit.” — James Sexton [07:20]
• No-fault divorce has made the process less combative, but barriers to leaving marriage remain.

The Law & Economics of Divorce

Timestamps: [07:55]-[11:03]

• No-fault divorce is recent (2016 in NY); previously, proving “fault” was expensive and required testimony.
• Getting married is easy and cheap; getting divorced is costly and complex—especially for the wealthy.
• “Love is grand and divorce is a hundred grand.” — James Sexton [09:23]

Cultural & Religious Dimensions

Timestamps: [12:13]-[13:42]

• Religious communities may have fewer divorces but often have uglier proceedings due to cultural pressure to invent “acceptable” reasons for divorce.

On Love, Simplicity, and Human Connection

Timestamps: [14:11]-[17:28]

• Sexton contrasts the simplicity/purity shown in “Love on the Spectrum” with the complexity people create in their real relationships.
• “All I want is to hold somebody’s hand and they hold mine, and this is terrifying… but it’s so simple and so human.” — James Sexton [15:45]
• The modern world’s abundance of options and social complexity increases expectations and choice confusion.

Marriage as Technology: What Problem Does It Actually Solve?

Timestamps: [17:28]-[24:17]

• Sexton applies Neil Postman’s “four questions” model for technology to marriage.
• Historically, marriage solves issues of property, inheritance, and social alliances, not inherently the issue of lasting love or successful childrearing.
• “Marriage is a threesome. It’s two people and the state. It’s a really unsatisfying threesome.” — James Sexton [21:23]

Should Marriage Be Redesigned?

Timestamps: [24:17]-[33:13]

• Sexton argues that the legal status of marriage provides a false sense of security, encouraging neglect.
• The institution, as designed, often fails to reinforce the actual maintenance required for lasting love.
• “Marriage gives people a false sense of security that makes the actual thing fall to shit.” — James Sexton [28:13]

Subscription Model & Routine Maintenance

Timestamps: [29:10]-[33:13]

• Suggests “subscription model” for marriage—periodic reflection and renewal.
• Regular check-ins, like attending church, could help couples maintain and strengthen their bond.
• Fun, affirming conversations (listing qualities you appreciate in each other) are simple ways to nurture connection.

What Makes for a “Good” Divorce (and a Good Marriage)

Timestamps: [38:39]-[40:09]

• Traits for healthy divorce (and marriage):
  • Accountability/conceding error
  • Emotional discipline
  • Long-term focus, especially for children
• “The ability to trade what you want now for what you want most… is the same trait that makes you good at marriage.” — James Sexton [39:45]
• Divorce can be a “crash course” in learning relationship skills—if you pay attention.

Redesigning Marriage: Sexton’s Suggestions

Timestamps: [43:12]-[48:01]

1. Barriers to Entry:
   • Mandatory individual consultations with a divorce lawyer before marriage to understand rights and obligations.
2. Premarital Counseling:
   • Sessions with both happily and unhappily married couples, and divorced individuals.
3. Waiting Period & Knowledge Test:
   • Built-in period between license and wedding; tests about practical/relational knowledge could be required.
   • “Divorce lawyers see the fail points! Let us write the test.” — James Sexton [51:11]

Playful “Green Flag/Red Flag” Lightning Round

Timestamps: [52:22]-[57:16]

• Friends with exes: green flag. Best friends with exes: red flag.
• Following “hot” strangers on Instagram: green flag (“It’s human”).
• Prenups: green flag.
• Separate bedrooms or bank accounts: green/purple flag. “There should be you, me, and we” in finances.
• In ranking importance: Time together > Sex > Money.

Who Really Wins in Divorce?

Timestamps: [58:06]-[58:39]

• “The lawyers win… if I win, I get paid. If I lose, I get paid… You can’t win a divorce. It’s like winning a nuclear war.” — James Sexton [58:12]

Audience Q&A Highlights

Timestamps: [71:04]-[84:57]

• How Rich vs. Poor Divorce:
  • Rich people have more to divide and less incentive to compromise; more expensive and complex but less existential threat than for poor families.
• Why Do Smart People Still Suffer in Divorce?
  • “Wanting their story to be told and thinking the process will bring closure—closure is a myth.” [75:23]
• Dating Divorcees:
  • Expect clear boundaries, faster communication about what is/isn’t acceptable, “scars,” and distinct relationships with former partners to manage.
• Advice on “Divorce Planning”:
  • If you’re considering divorce, consult a lawyer early for strategic preparation.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We fall in love really fast, and we fall out of love the way we go bankrupt—very slowly, and then all at once.” — James Sexton [04:13]
• “Love is grand and divorce is a hundred grand.” — James Sexton [09:23]
• “Marriage is a threesome. Two people and the state. It's a really unsatisfying threesome.” — James Sexton [21:23]
• “The only thing I have to sell is advice… if you give me inaccurate or incomplete information, I’m going to give you advice about a fictional person.” — James Sexton [11:11]
• “If you ask most people why are you getting married? It’s like, ‘Well, because you get married, it’s what you do.’ Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.” — James Sexton [23:18]
• “The traits that will make you good at divorce are the traits that would probably make you a good spouse or a good person.” — James Sexton [39:52]
• “Closure is a myth… You can’t win divorce. It's like winning a nuclear war.” — James Sexton [75:51]
• [Light-hearted] “If I want to disappoint two people at once, I’ll have dinner with my parents.” — James Sexton [21:31]
• “My son is my son until he finds a wife.” — James Sexton [68:51]

Additional Insights

• The “Marriage as Attachment” Analogy: We chase paperwork and ceremonies thinking it insulates us from loss or uncertainty, but it can’t.
• Redefined Success: True relational success isn’t “not divorcing,” but helping each other become more authentic, fulfilled people.
• Sex, Money, Time: Of the classic relationship stressors, how couples spend time is most crucial.
• On Pain and Therapy: “Pain makes people bitter. Unattended sorrow is not good...I wish I'd learned lessons in therapy and not from pain.” — James Sexton [61:07]
• On Memory and Loss: We remember those we lose (in love or death) kindly—even if the ending was sharp or painful.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Divorce “Season” & Repeat Clients: [00:00]-[01:29]
• Divorce vs. Unfulfilled Marriages: [01:29]-[03:57]
• Unrealistic Marriage Myths: [03:35]-[04:13]
• Marriage as Technology: [17:28]-[24:17]
• Redesigning Marriage: [43:12]-[48:01]
• Relationship “Maintenance” & Routine: [29:10]-[33:13]
• Green Flag/Red Flag Game: [52:22]-[57:16]
• Who Wins Divorce? [58:06]-[58:39]
• Q&A: [71:04]-[84:57]

Tone & Language

The tone is candid, witty, and deeply reflective—James Sexton delivers hard truths with sardonic humor, insider anecdotes, and memorable analogies, while Nayeema injects curiosity, personal context, and deft facilitation. The conversation flows lightly in moments (paddles, exes, parents) and deeply in others (pain, closure, the social function of marriage).

For Further Reflection

James Sexton leaves us with the provocative notion that maybe, before starting any new marriage, we should all sit down with someone who’s seen more endings than beginnings. If marriage is a technology—what kind of update, maintenance, or even recall, does it really need?

Next episode (teased): marriage and money—stay tuned!