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Sean Hayes
Finding the perfect graduation gift. It's tougher than parallel parking a semi truck. Apple gift card solves that problem. Give them actual choice for their next chapter. They can grab new tech, essential apps, or even subscriptions like Apple Music. No more guessing what the kids want. Just pure, unadulterated access to a world of entertainment. It's brilliant. Visit applegiftcard.apple.com to find the perfect graduation gift to. Today,
Jason Bateman
tech changed the world, but so
Colin Jost
did the bubonic plague.
Will Arnett
Sundays exclusively on AMC and amc.
Sean Hayes
Plus the highly anticipated new drama series, the Audacity.
Jason Bateman
Genius is about being unhinged enough to do something outrageous.
Sean Hayes
The show that Mashable says tears Silicon
Colin Jost
Valley a new one.
Will Arnett
People who have no integrity.
Colin Jost
Did you leak the acquisition, Reva? No.
Sean Hayes
Maybe from one of the minds behind Succession and Better Call Saul. When we want to save the world or control it, most of us go Dr.
Jason Bateman
Evil.
Sean Hayes
The audacity. All new Sundays exclusively on AMC and amc. Smart List is presented by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the group text before replying to everyone. Not smart. There's nothing quite like realizing that message was definitely meant for one person. A quick glance would have saved a lot of explaining. Yep, checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Willie, what kind of shirt you have on? What is that?
Jason Bateman
It's cotton.
Sean Hayes
It's cotton.
Colin Jost
Are you.
Sean Hayes
What's on the front?
Jason Bateman
It's a thing. It's a.
Sean Hayes
It's a rooster.
Jason Bateman
It's a. Well, no, it's not. It's a Liverpool football club.
Will Arnett
Oh.
Sean Hayes
What does mine say?
Jason Bateman
Yeah, and yours says out of office. Yeah. Where did you get that particular freebie?
Sean Hayes
I used to work at.
Jason Bateman
Listen, I can't wait to hear this, but let's do an older smartless first. Welcome to Smartless Smart.
Will Arnett
Less.
Jason Bateman
Smart. Less. Smart.
Sean Hayes
This
Will Arnett
sweet, sweet Willie is. Is over on the pond. Across the pond. Is that what?
Jason Bateman
Across the pond? I'm in. I'm in Liverpool.
Sean Hayes
Wait, why are you there?
Jason Bateman
My home away from home. I'm doing a little thing with the club.
Sean Hayes
I didn't know that.
Jason Bateman
With our friends at. At Tommy Hilfiger. Shout out. Tommy Hilfiger.
Will Arnett
There it is. We've got it. And was it ever Thomas?
Sean Hayes
When.
Will Arnett
When did he go shorter with it? Have you asked him?
Jason Bateman
I Haven't. I haven't asked him. I'm going to have dinner with him later and.
Will Arnett
Well, it sounds like a perfect opportunity, which is.
Jason Bateman
Which is why it's going to be. And. Yeah.
Will Arnett
So, Seanie, you're back in Los Angeles.
Jason Bateman
Oh, God.
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Will Arnett
After an incredible, successful run.
Jason Bateman
What a run.
Will Arnett
What a run. He's got himself an Olivier Award already from this thing. We will see what our friends over at the Tony.
Sean Hayes
No.
Will Arnett
No talent.
Colin Jost
No.
Jason Bateman
No bounds.
Sean Hayes
No. No. Jay, the Olivier Oscar.
Will Arnett
Oh, the Olivier was for a good night. Oscar is still Olivier.
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Will Arnett
Yeah, he sure did.
Jason Bateman
No way.
Sean Hayes
Yeah. Isn't that crazy?
Will Arnett
But. But Shawnee. Yeah. So we haven't. We haven't started the award circuit yet for.
Sean Hayes
No, you. The Unknown. It's called the Unknown. But. But. But you can't. Because it's Off Broadway, so.
Will Arnett
Off Broadway has no awards.
Sean Hayes
It does, but. And I got nominated for the one that they do, which is called the. I forget what it's called, but is
Will Arnett
it called Off Tony?
Sean Hayes
Very nice. It's Off Tony. Yeah.
Will Arnett
Are they called the Tinnies?
Sean Hayes
The Tinnies.
Will Arnett
And let me ask you a question. If you're off Broadway, do you need to go backstage and say hi to people or.
Sean Hayes
No, you do not. You do not have to do that, but Sam Rockwell, your ears must have been burning. Sam came backstage.
Will Arnett
I know you're working with him, Sammy. Rock and roll.
Sean Hayes
He's so nice.
Will Arnett
He's the best.
Sean Hayes
He's so sweet. Yeah. And. Yeah, I just got back two nights ago. It was great. And by the way, you know, the adrenaline dump. Right? Don't you guys feel that after you do a movie or a TV show or a play or anything like that, when you're done, you're just like. Oh, man.
Will Arnett
And usually you get sick because the body knows it's. Now. Now I can be ill.
Sean Hayes
Right.
Will Arnett
But you came back and. Did you. What was your illness? Just basic nausea from all the saturated fats that you.
Sean Hayes
I ate so much. I'm playing back. I had ordered everything that I could. I had.
Will Arnett
You. You order food on the plane.
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Sean Hayes
All the time. Yeah.
Will Arnett
This is like a menu.
Sean Hayes
Yes, yes, yes. I had the chicken, the beef. I had a hot fudge sundae.
Will Arnett
You can't order two entrees on a flight.
Sean Hayes
You did. And I had, like, three pretzel roll. I was so hungry because I hadn't eaten in three months because of the play. I lost all that weight. Anyway, who cares?
Will Arnett
Why didn't you eat during the play?
Sean Hayes
Because it's the whole thing. I Told you. You have to watch what you eat when you eat. And you can't eat before a show because of acid reflux. And then you can't talk because then you're constantly clearing your throat like a whole thing.
Jason Bateman
Well, where does spaghetti bolognese with a side of Swedish fish fit in?
Sean Hayes
So that came. That comes after. Got it. After. When I get home after, like. Like I texted you guys a two show day. I'm like, no, we know I'm done.
Jason Bateman
No, we saw the pits, man.
Will Arnett
You don't think the acid reflux would come from a midnight bowl of bolognese?
Sean Hayes
No, because I stay up long enough for it to not happen.
Will Arnett
Six or seven hours.
Jason Bateman
No, no, stay up, stay up. It's not like you're going for a walk when you say step. You're just sitting on the couch and. And just letting it sit.
Sean Hayes
This is correct.
Will Arnett
This is. Why don't you sleep in an upright position? That way you can just eat until the last possible moment.
Sean Hayes
I do.
Jason Bateman
Sometime you ought to get like a. You ought to get like a sleepable turlet, you know what I mean? That has like thing. And then you could be sure.
Will Arnett
You remember how like in Clockwork Orange he had his eyelids taped open? Yeah, maybe you do that. Would do that with your valve. You know,
Sean Hayes
just a tube right in there with.
Will Arnett
And just go right to sleep.
Sean Hayes
Guys, my guest today.
Jason Bateman
Why don't you just throw it in the toilet and cut out the middleman, you know what I mean?
Sean Hayes
Throw it in the toilet.
Will Arnett
I hope your guest understands your dark, dark offensive humor.
Sean Hayes
He loves it, actually, which is good. My guest couldn't speak until he was almost four years old. We're gonna learn about that. When he finally did, he says he sounded like a member of the Soprano family. His mom was chief medical officer at the New York City Fire department. She survived the collapse of the south tower on September 11th.
Jason Bateman
Oh my God.
Sean Hayes
He once went through 12 dumpsters looking for his wife's lost engagement ring. They named their son Cosmo. He co owns a decommissioned Staten island ferry which he has called the single dumbest person of his life. Please welcome the longest serving Weekend Update anchor in Saturday Night Live, it's the hilarious and charming Colin.
Will Arnett
I think I got it first.
Jason Bateman
Colin Joseph.
Colin Jost
Michael Che. What's up? Michael Che here. Hey, how's it going, guys?
Will Arnett
What is up? What is up?
Colin Jost
What's up, guys? That was really. I loved hearing that you guys run down.
Jason Bateman
That can't be true. That can't be true.
Colin Jost
I learned a lot about you Guys.
Sean Hayes
Oh, you're.
Will Arnett
By the way, all of it's unsurprising
Sean Hayes
you're in your office right now. I can tell by the ceiling.
Will Arnett
Yeah.
Colin Jost
Is that true? Yes. These definitely asbestos ceilings that are still here.
Will Arnett
Those are the kind of ceilings that you can stand on a chair, lift up one of them and hide stuff up there. Put this. Put the square right back down.
Colin Jost
Definitely.
Will Arnett
You could have. That's.
Colin Jost
No, this one you see has a large stain of some kind that's been here since before I moved in.
Will Arnett
Yeah, something up there is leaking that. That was hidden.
Colin Jost
They came. They came to the SNL offices like five years ago, and they said, listen, over the summer, you gotta clear stuff out. We're removing asbestos from all the offices. And I was like, I've been in this office for 15 years.
Sean Hayes
No way.
Colin Jost
It's too late. It's way too late.
Sean Hayes
Really?
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Sean Hayes
They just found that out.
Jason Bateman
You ought to call one of. You know those commercials that come on late at night with those doctors. You should join a class action.
Colin Jost
I mean. Well, I have that, and I've got my vaginal mesh that I've got a call about.
Jason Bateman
No, no kidding.
Will Arnett
Is it?
Jason Bateman
Yeah. What's progress on that? Good.
Will Arnett
The mesh is separating.
Colin Jost
Yeah, the mesh is. It sounded great at the time. You know, he's like, you want to do this? Vaginal mesh? Sounds so cool. But then, of course.
Will Arnett
Yeah, tell me what is. What is. Just. By the way, what is vaginal mesh?
Sean Hayes
Yeah, by the way, I wanted to ask, too, but I was afraid I didn't know.
Jason Bateman
Jason, by the way, Jason, get more serious on the question.
Will Arnett
Well, I did want to get back to the asbestos and I wanted to pitch Colin because I think I've pitched you guys before, and I don't remember your response, but. Colin, could you please let me know if you think this. I'm thinking about getting into mold remove a mold removal business based on just the company name that I've. I've got nailed down. It's called Adjacent Abatement. And I think if I could just go into that business, I'll do pretty well just based on the name title and just. Just the joke.
Jason Bateman
Just the joke. The joke alone.
Will Arnett
The paint on the side of the vans, the bus benches, stuff like that. I'm pretty sure I'll get some nice traffic.
Colin Jost
Oh. When people have extensive mold in their house, they just want to laugh. They just want a funny. They want to know they can laugh.
Jason Bateman
They're looking for a pun.
Will Arnett
Honey, I hope we find some mold, because I just want to call it Jason abatement.
Sean Hayes
That's good, by the way. I've never heard that.
Will Arnett
It's good, right?
Sean Hayes
Colin, thanks so much for doing this and being here.
Colin Jost
Thanks for having me.
Jason Bateman
It's a busy. What is it, Thursday night? This is a busy time for you.
Colin Jost
We are off. We're off this week. I just came here. Cause I was doing something nearby and it seemed like a good place to. It's so quiet here.
Jason Bateman
Well, that doesn't sound shady. Doing something nearby.
Colin Jost
I was doing something nearby. Edit that out.
Jason Bateman
Are you bugging Lorne's office again?
Colin Jost
Not in a way he would suspect.
Will Arnett
Have you seen the new Lauren documentary?
Colin Jost
I did. I just. We went to the, I guess, premiere of it that was at Lincoln center last week and. Have you guys seen it yet or. No. It was very. It was funny. It's. There's, you know, a lot of people in it are really funny. And I found it kind of moving. I don't know that I even necessarily learned anything about him. In fact, in some ways he seems less known having seen it. But it was. It was. I found it kind of moving because he is very much him. And it felt like it was of his. In his voice, weirdly. I don't know.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Will Arnett
I love that he finally allowed somebody to, like, kind of dig in. Right?
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Jason Bateman
I think the thing that people don't know about Lauren, and you can attest to this, Colin, is that Lauren's really funny. Yeah, Lauren is really, really funny. Yeah.
Colin Jost
Yeah. And he is. He is funny in it. Like, he's funny in it, but he'll, you know, someone will be talking an idea on a. Whatever, Friday night and pitch something, and he'll just look at them and be like, idiot. Like, he'll do things that are very out of character and always very surprising and funny. But it is. It's fun. He's funny in it. And. And he. He lets them go to, like, his house in Amaganza, his house in Maine. And you see, like, not like all the inside of the house, but, like, you see where. Why he goes to those places to kind of escape and be in the woods and be in nature. It's.
Will Arnett
It's.
Colin Jost
I didn't. I was surprised at that.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Sean Hayes
He seems very kind of. When I. When I worked there, when I did the show, I think 83 years ago, he was always a little. He's scary if you don't know him, you know, because he's a little off putting. Like. Like, he doesn't speak much, so you don't know where you stand with him. At least that was my.
Colin Jost
Yeah, he's kind of. Yeah, he's kind of reserved until.
Jason Bateman
What if. What if, Colin? Just like, what are you talking about? He talks to everybody. Like, he talks to everyone.
Colin Jost
He's never.
Jason Bateman
Did he not talk to him?
Colin Jost
He's like the most outgoing guy.
Will Arnett
He's like one of the most Ton of jokes, and you gotta.
Colin Jost
You gotta. You gotta slow him down. It's so hilarious.
Sean Hayes
Colin. I think the first time we ever met was only last year at Robert Downey's birthday party. Right? I think. Yeah, it was the first time. And you were so kind. I don't know if you remember this. You mailed me the form that you have to fill out to get a face mold on Saturday Night Live. You mailed it. Do you remember mailing that to me
Colin Jost
for Louis to get it to do with Louis?
Sean Hayes
I don't know, but it was like a format with my Polaroid on it and all my measurements and my head measurements to get, like a mold. And you just sent it to me. I was like, oh, that's so nice.
Colin Jost
I happen to. Yeah, like, see, you know, I think Jody, who does all the wigs, and Louis does. I think they had all these things and they were kind of getting rid of them, and I was like, wait, some of these are. I'd be cool. Like, they're also. Some of them are historic and everything. It would be cool.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, they're cool. It's cool. It's like a cool memento to have.
Will Arnett
Did you.
Sean Hayes
Did you.
Will Arnett
Did you go ahead and get the face mold measurements, Sean?
Sean Hayes
Yeah. And.
Will Arnett
And did you. Did you have a couple of spares
Sean Hayes
made up of my face?
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Will Arnett
Well, just walk. Could we.
Jason Bateman
Let me ask you this. Could Jason and I make masks and go as you for Halloween or if
Sean Hayes
you wanted to scare the shit out
Will Arnett
of just target practice and stuff like that? Why were you excited about pursuing a face mold?
Sean Hayes
Well, you have to. You did it. You supposed to stand out there. Didn't you get a face mold?
Will Arnett
I don't remember. And I don't think. Doesn't everybody track down the information on how to get one myself?
Colin Jost
It's a horrible process. God, I don't know why you have
Will Arnett
to go on over there with you and Scotty.
Colin Jost
You probably did it and you probably blocked it out because you get. You can't breathe. You know, you're breathing through just straws in your nose. Cause your mouth has to stay steady. Yeah.
Will Arnett
Yeah.
Colin Jost
It's very claustrophobic and.
Will Arnett
But Did Sean. Did you get. You got information from Colin about how you can go ahead and get another face mold of yourself, or all that
Sean Hayes
information is on the form that they make for you?
Jason Bateman
Yeah, Right.
Sean Hayes
So now I have it. Anyway, let's move on.
Will Arnett
We're not going to. Now you have it, and that's a great thing.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, why not?
Will Arnett
Just in case you might want to make a face mold of yourself.
Sean Hayes
Unless my head is shrunk or grown or something, it should be the same, right, Colin?
Jason Bateman
Oh, man.
Colin Jost
You got to get a new model every five years, by the way.
Jason Bateman
By the way. Right, Colin. Like, as if Colin fucking knows. And about how this process.
Sean Hayes
He keeps tabs on me.
Jason Bateman
He just found a piece of paper, and he was like, here's the person that you should talk to. He's not investing.
Colin Jost
No, no. Then I went back to the files, I compared. I was like, these measurements are a little off from the last time.
Sean Hayes
That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. All right.
Colin Jost
You know the famous thing about Jeff Daniels got it done right when he was hosting.
Sean Hayes
No way.
Colin Jost
They set the mold in the wrong way so it stuck fully to his face, and he was stuck with just the straws in his nose for, like, hours. And they had to chisel it off of him, and he had, like, all this sort of scarring. Not scarring, but, like, almost burns from it. And then had to host the show.
Sean Hayes
No way.
Colin Jost
Yeah.
Jason Bateman
That's a night that's a fucking nightmare, man.
Sean Hayes
You could still. You could still. You could still sip Coca Cola through, like, he could still drink something.
Colin Jost
Oh, yeah. So he was fine.
Jason Bateman
But. Yeah, don't worry, Sean. You can still taste of coke. Yeah.
Will Arnett
You can still have your sugar sodas.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Jason Bateman
Has anybody ever put Swedish fish in a blender?
Will Arnett
Okay, what's your go to tackiest awful snack, Colin? What's. What do you. What do you. What, Are you ashamed that you keep it pretty tight?
Colin Jost
I'm fine. I eat. I don't eat great. Like, I don't. I don't have any discipline to eating and drinking. But I. I'll eat Swedish fish, actually, at snl, because there's, like, a pot every Tuesday when there was a writing night, they used to come in when you're up all night and just pour a pile of candy. Like, cover the entire writer's room in candy. And so I would have all Tuesdays. I used to, you know, eat candy all the time. And then being up all night. There was one time in Lauren's office Wednesday, after the table read where I was having, like, heart palpitations.
Sean Hayes
I have that in my.
Colin Jost
Having a heart attack?
Sean Hayes
Yeah. I thought that was from stress or something.
Colin Jost
It was a combination of stress, not sleeping and also having all this sugar. And I thought I was having a heart attack and, like, called the doctor and in Lauren's office.
Sean Hayes
Was it. Was it afib? Do you know?
Jason Bateman
Paddles wants to know what. What it was?
Sean Hayes
Well, Jimmy Kimmel calls me Paddles because I've had so much afib so many times.
Colin Jost
It was not. It was not. It. It was. It was just a. Yeah, it was. It was like a. Probably a panic attack, essentially, that was brought on by.
Sean Hayes
Okay, but you haven't had one since?
Colin Jost
No. And I. And they were. The doctor I went to, he's like, it'll be. You gotta try to sleep a little. And you gotta. You. You can't have sugar all night like that or, you know. I was like, whatever.
Will Arnett
Sugar doesn't make you. Sugar makes me so tired. That. That. That sugar peak. And then the crash. I go right to sleep.
Sean Hayes
It doesn't affect me. I can run or sleep. It doesn't matter.
Colin Jost
Here we go. But then I was just at an age where I was like, it didn't matter. And I. And then it caught up with me at some point.
Sean Hayes
I was like, colin, wait, talk to me about this. I found this fascinating. What do you mean you didn't talk to. You were four years old. What does that mean? And then. And then I read that it wasn't Tony Soprano that you sounded like. Because I was like, oh, he must have compared himself to Tony Soprano when you opened up his mouth. But what do you mean, you didn't talk?
Colin Jost
No, I said Carmelo Soprano.
Sean Hayes
Carmel. Carmela, that's right, Carmela.
Colin Jost
Like, I was just. Videos of me, like, trying to, like, sell a bike that I had. It's like, yeah, it's pretty good. It's got two wheels, you know, you can get on. It's got brakes. But I'm genuinely talking like that. And I'm six. Really? Seven. Yeah.
Will Arnett
When does a kid usually talk? I forget. With my kids, it was like, what, like one? Or like 18 months, something like that. They start.
Colin Jost
It's typically like, yeah, 18 months around that. And I think it's Almost always before 2.
Will Arnett
Or usually girls before guys, I think.
Colin Jost
Yes. Yeah. And there's people a little later. People. But I think it was just getting to a little bit of a more extreme place where they didn't know what was going on. My parents, what Were your first.
Jason Bateman
What were your first words, Will? No.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
I'm not just saying that. I mean, I know.
Jason Bateman
Of course. I believe. I'm looking at your face, and I know that you're not just saying that. That's incredible.
Colin Jost
And that's it. And then I didn't say another. Anything else for five more years.
Jason Bateman
Why bother?
Sean Hayes
Why bother?
Jason Bateman
Jason Abatement.
Sean Hayes
Jason Abatement.
Colin Jost
Because there had been so much mold in my brain, so I needed.
Will Arnett
And it was nothing. They didn't pursue any sort of reason. There was no diagnosis. It was just. You just weren't ready.
Colin Jost
Yeah. Something. And, yeah, my mom said she. She wasn't worried because it seemed like I was comprehending everything that they were saying. I just wasn't saying anything. A lot of went to, like, speech special. A speech specialist at Staten Island University Hospital, which maybe sounds like a setup for joke, but. And I mean, you do your own.
Jason Bateman
Everybody can do their own math on that one. I like the idea. You were just nodding along. Like you're nodding a lot and doing a lot of winking. He was winking a lot of people.
Colin Jost
So we knew he was cool. We knew he was cool.
Will Arnett
Oh, Dr.
Jason Bateman
Note.
Will Arnett
He's following.
Colin Jost
He was winking and doing the hands where he makes the curved hourglass of a woman's figure, but he still thinks he's fine.
Will Arnett
And then walking. There was no pausing in the walking. The walking was on time.
Colin Jost
I was walking so much. Couldn't stop walking.
Will Arnett
Okay.
Colin Jost
All night. All through the night. It was basically. They based that horror movie this year, weapons on me because I would just walk out through the woods, the arms
Will Arnett
out, like, you're flying, you know?
Jason Bateman
Do you know? I remember. I remember when my. My middle son Abel was. You know, he wasn't walking. He was like, 13 months. He was a little bit later. And, you know, his older brother had walked before a year, so. I know. So we were nervous. Not really, but we. And I remember my. I remember Amy being like. When she's like, he's not walking, he's not walking. And I go. She goes, he's never gonna. I go, look, out on the street. Do you see people dragging themselves by their hands, pulling themselves along the side? He's gonna get it. Okay.
Sean Hayes
He's gonna pick it up.
Jason Bateman
Yeah. I mean, you ask people, like, what are you doing? Like, I never picked up walking.
Will Arnett
It just wasn't for me.
Jason Bateman
I never picked it up. I never wasn't for anybody.
Colin Jost
I mean, in New York. In New York, there might be like, 20 to 40 of those people.
Sean Hayes
Well, that was just not for them.
Colin Jost
Yeah, it's just not for them.
Sean Hayes
We'll be right back.
Will Arnett
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Sean Hayes
All right, so I want to talk about something you're probably so sick of talking about, but I don't know anything about it, which is the Staten island ferry you bought with Pete Davidson. Because I've seen you tell jokes about it on the show on Saturday Night Live. And I always laugh because I kind of know the gist of it. But why? And what was the plan and what's the goal and all of that? Because you paid like, you still have to pay like a dot like, don't you?
Colin Jost
Are you still paying like Exact questions a financial advisor asks me what and what is the plan and what is the.
Will Arnett
Is it just fun?
Sean Hayes
But was it because of your. Because these guys don't. Jason and Will don't know. But when I was doing my research about your reading is the journey you took an hour and a half every single day to go to school from Staten island to Manhattan. And you took the Staten island ferry.
Colin Jost
I took this. I actually this one.
Sean Hayes
Oh, you did.
Colin Jost
Exactly. Usually it was this one, which is again, I explained to my friends, they're like, yeah, but you also took the subway. You didn't want to buy one of those. Or a bus. But it was right. It's named after jfk. It's named, it was, it was commissioned for John F. Kennedy when he, after he died. And, and it Was. It was. It was usually the 7am ferry that I took got. Because I went up to this high school called Regis High School that's up on the Upper east side. And it's free if you get in. It's a really great school. And so most people that go don't live in Manhattan. Most people come from.
Sean Hayes
Wow.
Colin Jost
Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, Jersey, even up.
Sean Hayes
And it was about an hour and a half every day.
Colin Jost
Yeah, I took the bus and back.
Will Arnett
Oh, man.
Colin Jost
Each way. Yeah. Bus, ferry, subway.
Sean Hayes
How old are you?
Colin Jost
Six? 14. I did it 14 to 18. You know, it's just high school. They don't have it. But it was so. I mean, now it seems like a lot, but now everything seems like less of a trip, you know, it's like. So, you know, and I was never, you know, you. And once you're there, you're like, in Manhattan with your friends. So it was. Yeah, it was very fun.
Will Arnett
You'd use the time for homework and whatnot. Like, you wouldn't really feel the. Yeah, yeah.
Colin Jost
I never. I really never rarely did homework at home because it was such a, you know, trip.
Jason Bateman
Jason went to school on an actual bus, which is true.
Will Arnett
On a bus.
Jason Bateman
Is that true? Yeah, for a while.
Colin Jost
How does that work?
Will Arnett
Not well.
Jason Bateman
A lot of massaging. That's also true.
Will Arnett
There's some.
Jason Bateman
It's also true. Ask him, please call and follow up.
Colin Jost
What is the nature?
Sean Hayes
Why?
Colin Jost
How does massaging get involved? No bus I'm ever on is like. And we do massages.
Will Arnett
Yeah.
Jason Bateman
This is one of my favorite areas. This is second only to Ernest Borgnine jerking up all over his house. Keep going, Jason. Go. This was.
Will Arnett
This was an experimental school. Colin, a friend of my father's, started one of these things in his home out in Calabasas, and it was called Heart Light. One word. Heart Light.
Colin Jost
Like L, I G H T Light.
Will Arnett
That's right. And. And there were. Because Calabasas is as. As you know, you're familiar with the city here. It's a great deal of traffic, about another hour and a half, just like yours, from Cal into the city. And so there were city days and country days. The city days. We'd go in and see the museums.
Sean Hayes
Oh, my God.
Will Arnett
And so they thought a good way to take advantage of that traffic time is to run classes in the back of this bus, you know, because they're an incredibly progressive group. And. And so we did that. There. There'd be some motion sickness. And then on the country days, that's when we'd get into all the fun electives like massage, TP building. It wasn't an accredited school, Colin. I don't want to paint a inaccurate picture here, but.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, yeah.
Colin Jost
I've never seen Will laugh harder.
Sean Hayes
It's funny.
Jason Bateman
Most fun. I love. I love Jakey Bates so much.
Will Arnett
I love it out of my own pocket. I. I was forced to pay for the school
Colin Jost
and now like regular bus fare. Like school fare?
Will Arnett
No, no, I did do some bus fare.
Jason Bateman
It was the massages exit extra. And did you tip?
Colin Jost
Did they pay you?
Will Arnett
It depends if I'm giving or receiving on that. On Tuesdays and Thursdays was the massaging.
Colin Jost
Colin, what a great. It sounds like such a great idea concept. Like. Well, might as well use the journey for the school.
Sean Hayes
Sure.
Jason Bateman
By the way, that part makes kind of sense in. In that way. Right? Like that. Yeah.
Will Arnett
You have to applaud them for the idea, but.
Colin Jost
And then you're sitting so long on the bus, you got to massages.
Will Arnett
It starts getting away from it pretty quick. The donut they had to give each kid to sit on. You know, there's so much class time on the bus. Not great.
Sean Hayes
Anyway, Kyle. Lynn.
Colin Jost
Well, so anyway, we bought. So I texted Pete, which is the. Is the wrong person to text with when you have an idea like this. And I was like, should we buy this?
Jason Bateman
Right.
Colin Jost
The city was auctioning it. And he was. Yeah, he was immediately was like, yeah, we got to do this. So. And I texted my dad, who's a teacher on Staten island, and he literally was like, did you do your homework? Which is such a teacher thing to say. And I was like, dad, I'm just sort of texting you as a formality. I already bought the boat. And then I texted Scarlet like, guess what? We own a ferry now. And she was like, we
Will Arnett
did it stay in operation.
Colin Jost
It was in operation until they. There was a new boat that came in. And the new boat cost like 300 million to build. So I was like, I'm getting an old one for only 280,000.
Jason Bateman
Right.
Colin Jost
This is a deal.
Will Arnett
All the ferry costs was $280,000.
Colin Jost
Yeah. And I thought as a real. I thought. I was thinking in a real estate way, if you put it somewhere, it's 70,000 square feet.
Sean Hayes
Oh, my God.
Colin Jost
So I was like, if you put that on a dock in Manhattan, you've suddenly got basically a building on the waterfront.
Will Arnett
That was.
Colin Jost
Where was that the value?
Jason Bateman
Scarlet, that could be a school.
Colin Jost
That could be like three school
Jason Bateman
kindergarten and elementary school and a high school.
Will Arnett
Did you ever explore that opportunity? Like that you could actually park it there on the east river and kind of have yourself a little. A little. Not a little. A house right there.
Colin Jost
We are in the process of doing that and it's just. It's a long process because all the waterfront stuff is just. There's environmental, there's. So we're in that process and I think we're actually getting close to that process. Having a dedicated spot.
Sean Hayes
Oh, wow.
Colin Jost
Yes. Which I joke about it a lot, but it is. And we've done some events on it where we really have already made back the money we've invested and the money we've spent on stuff to dock it and all that. So it's very misreported that it is some sort of crazy money pit.
Jason Bateman
Hey, man, I'm not your dad. I'm not your dad. You don't have to prove it.
Colin Jost
It's going to be fine. Is this a good financial sign where you're like, it's fine.
Jason Bateman
What's going to be.
Will Arnett
What's. What's a home run? What's. What's the goal with it once it's parked there?
Colin Jost
I think the goal, a home run for me is like, it's a thing that could be used for an event space, but also has like a norm, like an everyday purpose of like two versions of it to me are like, it could be an operating entertainment like club. Like a place where you can go, like, you could have parties or there's regular parties on it. And then like I grew up, growing up in Staten Island, I went to this place, it was called the Great Kill Swim Club. That was like a swim club where people would just go and the kids could all hang out, adults could hang out. And I could imagine creating a place like that that's not like a weird, fancy members club, but it's actually more like middle class. In Manhattan, you just pay as you go. You can go pay to use it. Yeah. And you play it. And like there's a pool on the top and a diving board off the drift. And you have these crazy.
Will Arnett
Just dive into the east river and enjoy yourself.
Colin Jost
Really enjoy yourself. Really swept down.
Will Arnett
You're really pitching a swim club on the East River.
Colin Jost
Yes. Like, but a pool on the roof deck.
Jason Bateman
But the pool.
Colin Jost
Diving board into the pool, not into the.
Sean Hayes
It's like a cruise ship that doesn't leave.
Colin Jost
A cruise ship that doesn't leave. But for families. And it would be actually a great. Like people would. Would spend summers there. And then it's also movable. So. So then half the year would be Miami and it would be. You'd have that in the winter when it's cold here and you'd have summer there. And I think it could be a
Jason Bateman
great place to Miami. Now. Now I'm seeing the Carmela Soprano in you. This is your picture.
Colin Jost
Then we go to Miami. We take over the high lie racket.
Sean Hayes
Oh, my God.
Jason Bateman
So I gotta say, I'm kind of sold on this con. You kind of got me a little bit.
Colin Jost
And then you'd have weddings and like people already want to rent it out. And we. Which we. We will do. We've done it a couple times, but we'll do it when we have a permanent spot. It just makes the economics way better.
Jason Bateman
Yeah, yeah.
Colin Jost
And this is all about economics ultimately, obviously.
Sean Hayes
Sure.
Jason Bateman
And then. And then you registered in Liberia.
Colin Jost
Yes. We're very open to pirates, if anyone.
Jason Bateman
I can't wait. I'm going to approach it on a zodiac with a mouthful of cats. Qat are we.
Colin Jost
I feel like the cat used to just fall. Have you been doing any recently? I feel like we've not.
Sean Hayes
What is cat? What is cat?
Colin Jost
It's like a plant you chew that has like almost a combo of cocaine and hallucinogenic. The thing I read about it, that it makes you. It's the phrase I read was it makes you immune to atrocities, which is such a great description.
Jason Bateman
I think they use it a lot. There was a lot of usage of it sort of in the. The Horn of Africa. Right. Am I right about that? And so. And a lot of. They accused a lot of these. These pirates of. Who would go and commit piracy to. Of chewing on it. And it makes. Yeah, it makes you just do crazy shit.
Colin Jost
It's an appetite suppressant as well. It could give you. It's like a. You know.
Will Arnett
You know, this sounds like a fucking silver bullet. Where does one. You need to be in the. On the. The southern tip of. Of Africa to find it?
Jason Bateman
No, up in like up. Up near sort of Somalia, Ethiopia. Up. Up in there.
Will Arnett
So it's closer.
Jason Bateman
Yeah. Eritrea. Yeah, like right on the. It's very private. Come to you. You see these huge bushels of it. It's terrific. I got a guy. I'll get you a number. Are you on WhatsApp?
Will Arnett
All right, Colin, first question for our guest today.
Jason Bateman
Wait, Colin. So, Colin, you go to. You go to this school. You go to the script school because you're really smart. Clear.
Sean Hayes
Well, no. Well, say the school is Harvard.
Jason Bateman
No, Harvard. I'm talking about the school you went.
Sean Hayes
Oh, that One. Oh, sorry.
Will Arnett
Okay.
Colin Jost
For Regis. Yeah, yeah, Regis.
Jason Bateman
From there. You get into Harvard, evidently. Based on. On your academic merits, I'm guessing.
Will Arnett
As opposed to.
Colin Jost
What do you mean? I'm not a traditional athlete?
Will Arnett
Yeah, Like, I'm not a D1 athlete.
Jason Bateman
In your mind, you're. Well, you don't. You don't have your A name on a building is what I'm saying, like.
Colin Jost
Or that's true.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Colin Jost
Not even on my own ferry.
Sean Hayes
Right. So go ahead, Will.
Jason Bateman
No, no, I was gonna say you go take it over to Harvard.
Sean Hayes
No, no, no, I was just gonna say, you know, you got involved with Lampoon, right?
Colin Jost
Yeah, yeah.
Sean Hayes
And then you wrote 80 pieces before you got one accepted, which is funny.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Colin Jost
Trying out. Fred, tell me.
Jason Bateman
I mean, there was a time, Colin, five years ago, where Sean.
Will Arnett
Sean was nominated interviewer on an anime. You want from Cat anywhere? He's the best.
Jason Bateman
The fallout for him and his questions.
Will Arnett
And since that nomination, he's gotten tight and he can't spit it out. No, no, no. You be quiet.
Sean Hayes
No, because I wrote down a bunch of stuff that I know you wanted.
Will Arnett
Baby girl, you get it?
Colin Jost
Give him.
Will Arnett
Give him your best one. Take some time. Find the best one in there and you give it to him.
Sean Hayes
Well, 80.
Jason Bateman
80 sketches. None of them picked up, right?
Sean Hayes
I. I would stop 80 failures, but I would stop it, too. Like, like you really wanted to be around.
Jason Bateman
How did you get involved in Lampoon?
Sean Hayes
Oh, that's so much better. I didn't know any.
Colin Jost
I didn't know about it. Did you guys have any awareness? Like, had you ever heard of it? I mean, I had heard of the National Lampoon.
Sean Hayes
Yeah. I mean, but I didn't know what it meant.
Jason Bateman
I didn't understand what it was until I started knowing some of those SNL guys who'd come out of it. Right.
Will Arnett
So for Tracy, it is. It is literally a magazine there at the. At the school.
Colin Jost
Yeah, it's just a magazine that has been there. It's actually the 150th anniversary is coming up in like a week, so we're going back, like bunch of, like Conan and a bunch of people are all going to go back and for this thing, which. But it just was like a student magazine and then like a precursor to
Will Arnett
like, kind of like something like the Onion or even like MAD Magazine. Right?
Colin Jost
Something like that. Yeah. And they started. People from there started like Spy magazine back in the day, which I never. But that was. And. And they started. They did like, Lampoon magazines and yearbooks and stuff.
Jason Bateman
And then Spy magazine was. I remember it in the New. In New York in the 90s. Spy magazine was phenomenal.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, I loved it.
Jason Bateman
It was so good. And there were so many people you mentioned, Conan, so many incredible comedy minds, sort of big sort of icons of comedy, you included, have come out of the Lampoon.
Colin Jost
A lot of. A lot of it was like back in the day, it was a lot of writers, like literary writers, you know, like John Updike and George Plimpton and George Santayana and all these like, people. And also business, like, William Randolph Hearst was a member. There's a business board. So he. A lot of. He helped fund the building that's there, like this. This Lampoon castle. And he and Isabelle are. Stuart Gardner, who has the museum, who had the museum in Boston. She collected a lot of stuff that went to that museum on the same trip with him. And he. A lot of the stuff he got went to the Lampoon, which is.
Will Arnett
And it's a bit of a feeder for SNL too, isn't it?
Colin Jost
Yeah, yeah. So, like around the 70s, 80s, a lot of it was this guy, Jim Downey, who I'm sure you guys have met through these. But he. He went to SNL in the. He was a writer. The first year at snl, of snl. And. And then after that, people kind of saw that you could write in comedy instead of necessarily only writing novels. And. And then people started getting into it there. But I didn't. So I didn't know. Have any awareness of it when I went, like, I went to school for economics, weirdly. And I didn't have any idea that there was like a humor magazine or anything like that. And I'd always done comedy. But you didn't know it was really a job. You just did it with your family.
Jason Bateman
It wasn't a destination for you to get into comedy.
Colin Jost
It just didn't. Yeah, I didn't know you could really, like. It didn't seem like a real thing. And so that was the first place where I went and people just were really funny and I wanted to hang out there. And then I started learning that people would graduate and go apply and work at different shows and.
Jason Bateman
So did you just apply for snl? How did that happen?
Sean Hayes
Yeah, you just cold submitted. That's.
Colin Jost
I actually submitted a package.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
And then it was just the wrong time of year. I submitted it and so no one read it?
Sean Hayes
No. No agent, no nothing. You just did it yourself? You mailed it in yourself?
Colin Jost
No. No agent, nothing. And I submitted and no one looked at it. Because it was the wrong time of year. And then the next time, you know, it was like the next summer. And then I ran into someone who was. Who had been in the Lampoon, who was like, I heard it's. You have to submit in the summer in like, June or July, whatever the deadline was. And so I put together another packet and submitted it then. And I was, you know, I was just lucky. There was a ton of turnover. I wrote like, six sketches.
Will Arnett
Okay.
Colin Jost
And there was a bunch of writers that left. And then I. I got like, Tina was the. One of the head writers, Harper Steele, and they liked some, you know, something that was in there and brought me an interview. And then I interviewed with Lauren, which was insane. And. And then just was very lucky that there was an extra spot. And I was probably the last person hired. And I got hired with Samberg and Samberg and Sedis and Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig and then the Lonely island guys, Yorma and Akiva, and a guy, Brian Tucker, who came from.
Jason Bateman
Yeah, Tucker. And. And. And Sedegas was just hired as a writer first for that first season.
Colin Jost
Yeah, yeah, that was. He just started. He. He had just. Just got hired into the cast when I started. So that was the eight of us.
Sean Hayes
That amazing.
Colin Jost
That all.
Sean Hayes
And how old were you when you started?
Colin Jost
22.
Will Arnett
And so. So, well, so you. So you go into school to study economics. Was it. Was there ever a thought that. That there would be a career in economics, or was it just, I gotta.
Jason Bateman
Gotta.
Will Arnett
I gotta declare a major and let's have it be this.
Colin Jost
I think it was a. I thought I could maybe work. I mean, I. I interned at, like, Merrill lynch when I was in high school, and I just thought that was in Staten Island. Like, there were certain. All my family was firefighters. Like, my whole mom. Like, my. My mom was in the fire department, my grandpa, my great grandpa. So that was like a clear path. I knew. And then from Staten island, like, people would go take the ferry to Wall Street. There were people that worked in. In finance. And then obviously there was a. I knew about being a doctor or being a lawyer. Like, those were the kind of jobs that I understood. And so I sort of thought. But I would do something in that range. Like, I would do work in finance or I would try to be a doctor someday or try to be a lawyer.
Will Arnett
And then. So. So then. So then you start to get the kind of. This be in your bonnet for. For comedy. Did you, like, talk to me about the. The calculation you were making at your. So you're Sitting at Harvard where you really, whatever field you decide to study and get your diploma in, get, get, get, get your, your degree in. You've got a pretty good sort of base salary to assume there. And so, like, picking what you're going to get your degree in is kind of. You're declaring what your life is going to be and it's going to be, going to be pretty good. And so you're thinking comedy economics, or I can study this. At what point were you kind of like, all in it's going to be, going to go into comedy writing, or did you mitigate that risk by minoring in something else? Like, just walk me through that.
Colin Jost
I, you know, my parents definitely were worried. You know, just once I was, once I was going down a comedy path. I mean, when I was there, I switched. So I switched from economics to. When I declare, I declare I was going to be in economics. But then when you actually had to declare, I studied Russian literature, like, I went, that's lucrative. I was reading a bunch of books and so I was like. And then at some point I had to learn Russian. I had to live in, in St. Petersburg for a summer, and I was going down that path. But let's pause there for one second.
Will Arnett
Yeah. Why, why Russian literature? What, what was, what was super interesting?
Jason Bateman
Are you a Russian asset?
Will Arnett
You have a great cover.
Colin Jost
I'm open to it. Are they asking? I just like the books. I just liked reading. I read in high school. I read some Nabokov and Tolstoy and Dostoevsky books, and senior year I liked them, so I wanted to read more. And then it just kept going down that line like I didn't have a plan for it. I certainly wasn't assuming it was going to be a career.
Will Arnett
Right.
Sean Hayes
Can you speak Russian?
Colin Jost
I was, yeah, fluent in Russian.
Sean Hayes
That's crazy.
Will Arnett
That's awesome.
Jason Bateman
Okay.
Will Arnett
All right.
Colin Jost
So then, so then. Yeah, so then I.
Jason Bateman
Sorry.
Colin Jost
That. Then I. I realized, I guess when I was at the Lampoon that most of the things I did in my life leading up to that were kind of comedy versions of what I did. Like, I ran the school newspaper, but I did the comedy, you know, wrote comedy for it rather than like regular news. I was working at a newspaper, but I mostly wanted to write comedy there. I performed in plays and musicals, but I really only cared about the comedy part of it, not the serious part of it. I did speech and debate, but I only did funny, like, oratories that I wrote that were kind of versions of comedy or performed funny things and didn't do any, you know, so I just, I started realizing that that was probably where my interest was, even if I was doing it in these other ways. And that there's, there's not really a funny version of finance.
Jason Bateman
Right.
Colin Jost
Again, along with abatements, it's not.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, unless you buy a Staten island
Colin Jost
fairy, but then it is.
Will Arnett
There's certainly some more predictable financial security in the lane of economics as opposed to the world of comedy.
Jason Bateman
You're talking about it. You're talking about him like taking, making the bet on it and going all in.
Colin Jost
Yeah, yeah, I did. I just did. I didn't have another plan and I didn't. I honestly don't know that I could have imagined then going to law school or after that. I think I just decided that whatever version of it it was going to end up being, I was going to enjoy being around people that were funny and doing things that I tried things that were funny. And regardless, the lifestyle didn't necessarily.
Will Arnett
It's so great. I mean, I'm sorry, a reason I keep hammering you on this because, you know, I've got a daughter that's in her first year of college and even my youngest, the 14 year old, she's, you know, they're both sort of like, you know, as kids do, wondering about, you know, am I doing the things that I should be doing to set myself up for the best possible, you know, life? Am I making the right decisions? And I keep saying, well, as long as you're pointed at something, a lot of opportunity comes your way. And so you're gonna see some forks in the road that might not necessarily be, you know, the lane you're on right now, and that's good, that's okay. But you're not gonna find those forks unless you're driven in, in some direction on something. It doesn't matter what that is. And so I guess you're sort of a great example of that, that you're driving towards economics and you found comedy.
Colin Jost
Yeah, and for her too. Like, I mean, I think the peer element of it is so important to me. You know, you find people that, that are serious about something, even if it's comedy, and are really driven or are really, you know, and then you, you learn from them, you're competitive in a healthy way with them. You're, you know, you're, you're hearing about opportunities from them eventually, you know, like when you're, when you're trying to do things or I think that's so important too. And so that you have a, you're not doing it in a vacuum, right?
Sean Hayes
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Jason Bateman
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Sean Hayes
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Will Arnett
all right, back to the show.
Jason Bateman
So you go to SNL that year that, that you mentioned with all those dudes. How long was it before you got the update chair?
Sean Hayes
Yeah. Did you go with the intention of wanting to do update or did you go or did it just happen or like.
Colin Jost
No, no, no, I was, I wouldn't even. I wouldn't have conceived of that.
Jason Bateman
I think I, you know, Colin, I called you in here because I think you're ready. What was it kind of like that?
Colin Jost
He did call me. Yes. He. He. I didn't even know why he was calling me in.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Colin Jost
And he's like, so you think you could do update, like asking me?
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Will Arnett
And I was like, meanwhile, you had only been a writer on the show for a year or two or three.
Colin Jost
No, no, I'd been there for a long. So, I mean, I had been there for a long time. I was there. I was probably there eight years or something. Seven or eight years.
Jason Bateman
Yeah. That's what I was getting at. Yeah.
Colin Jost
And. Cause I, So I got snl. I would have been happy to have any job in comedy. Right. Like, I applied everywhere that had a job. I wrote a. I wrote a Arrested Development spec script when I, When I was going out.
Will Arnett
Like, you told me this once and this.
Colin Jost
Maybe I did. Maybe I did tell you that. Yeah. And.
Will Arnett
Oh, my God, I want to read that.
Jason Bateman
What was Job's story? It doesn't. Sorry.
Will Arnett
It was Job A story or B story?
Colin Jost
It doesn't matter.
Jason Bateman
Who cares?
Will Arnett
I'm pretty sure he was in it.
Colin Jost
Yeah. Maybe the one. Can I tell you the one thing I remember about it, which was now, which is that it was for. For George Michael was self conscious and wanted to lose weight. And so he tried, he tried joining a. What he saw was a recreation society, but it was a recreation society and he got cast as Ben Franklin and so ended up gaining a bunch of weight.
Jason Bateman
That's really funny.
Colin Jost
So dumb.
Jason Bateman
Oh, my God, Mitch Hurwitz would have loved that. That's a great bit.
Colin Jost
So I wrote. I wrote, applied all these places and I was very, you know, very lucky to get hired snl. And I felt like then I just wanted to be good at that and figure it out and, and enjoy it. I loved, I love on camera.
Will Arnett
Aspirations.
Colin Jost
No, no, not. I mean, but I did. I, I had performing aspirations. I just didn't think of it always as SNL related. Like, I did stand up.
Will Arnett
Right.
Colin Jost
So while that time I'm doing stand up in New York.
Jason Bateman
Oh, you are? Okay.
Colin Jost
Yeah. While I'M writing. I would go after when there's nights that you could get out, and I would go do stand up like three
Jason Bateman
or four times, like a stellar or whatever. Did you ever. Were there ever. Any summer, like, end of seasons of SNL and you can be as honest as you want to be where you were like, you know what? I'm going to move. I'm going to leave. I want to do something else. Like, did you ever have one of those moments in those eight years before you got the update check?
Colin Jost
Yes. Not like. Not. Because there was sort of a little bit of a. Like, you know, I had a journey as a writer there where I got promoted to, like, a writing supervisor, and then I got promoted to be head writer. And that was like a real honor that I loved the idea of getting to do that someday. So that was. That was really important to me, and I felt excited about that. It was. I found it to be a really nightmarish job in a lot of ways, because you're suddenly doing the same job you're doing, but you're also having to manage everyone you're working with. And that was a very weird period of time for me because it also coincided with getting Update. Like, it almost exactly coincided. So I suddenly. Yeah, it was like maybe a year or half a year that I was a head writer and then got update and. But I had my only. As I was there for a little longer, I did like performing. I did like doing standup. And honestly, I wanted to do some version of act, not necessarily acting, like, in a serious way, but performing in some way in a comedy way. And I thought, I've done this as a writer now. I thought maybe after a few years of being head writer, maybe there would just be something else I'd want to do or create a show as a writer or do something different. And then got this opportunity to do updates, and then it was. It kind of went so badly at first for a while that I then thought I was gonna lose both jobs, that I was gonna be so bad at update that I was also really.
Will Arnett
Did it not.
Sean Hayes
Why did it go bad? What do you mean?
Colin Jost
It just was. I mean, I think Seth was leaving. Seth was leaving. He was, you know, very loved doing the job. You know, I came in, I started with Cecily Strong. We only. We did, like, six episodes together. That's it. At the end of the year.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
And, you know, I think I just wasn't very good at it. It's very. It's a hard thing to come in and do And I don't. I think I was, like, really nervous. And I probably. That I probably smiled or laughed in a way that made people think I was kind of cocky about it when I actually felt very much at sea and panicking. People were giving me all kinds of advice that was contradictory, and I didn't know how to do it. And then.
Sean Hayes
Right.
Colin Jost
And then basically in the summer, I got told, after those six episodes, I got told, like, you might get to audition for it. And I was like, which seems like a bad job sign to audition for the job you currently have. And then they tried me with different combinations of people also. So, like, I did an audition with Leslie Jones. I did an audition with Vanessa Baer. I did an audition with Chris Kelly, who's a really funny writer at our show.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Colin Jost
And I did an. And I auditioned with Che, who I knew from Stand up from before he came to SNL as a writer. And, you know, I love the idea of getting to do with him because he's really funny, but I had no idea what, you know, what they were gonna go with. And they also brought in Anthony Jeselnik just to audition on his own, like, just to go in a totally different direction, bring someone else in. And I'm sure he would have been very funny at it. And. And then they. They did these auditions, and then I didn't even know what was happening. And suddenly. So I was involved in all these processes of cast and hiring, and then suddenly I was completely cut off, really, from, like, all my friends for. For periods of time where everyone was probably nervous for me or didn't know whether I should do the job genuinely. Like, not. Not that they were being bad friends, just probably were like, I don't know if he's right for it. And then they picked me and Shea. And then for, like, the first two years, at least, we thought we were going to get fired every summer. Like, we were. We were put on suspension kind of, or put on extension, and we didn't know whether we were going to get it or not. And we. We. And then something sort of just started clicking, really. Just. We gave Lauren was. We were lucky that he gave us enough time to start figuring it out. And then. And then it started feeling okay, and then it started feeling better and not like a huge existential crisis.
Jason Bateman
Yeah, you guys have such a great dynamic. You're so, so good at it.
Sean Hayes
One of the funniest things I'd ever seen was. And I couldn't believe I was watching it, and I can't believe it happened. Which is Michael told the audience before you showed up to not laugh at one joke you said. And that was the joke. And I'm watching it going, oh my God, this is horrible to watch. Like, did you. What was going through your head?
Colin Jost
I was like, it's all over. It was so perfect. It was so perfect because I changed a joke between dress and air early on. And so he had told he met. By the way, this is the most proactive Che has ever been about anything. He went and met with the audience before they loaded in, like, looked him in the eyes and were like, listen, you're not laughing. I don't care. You do not laugh at anything Colin says.
Will Arnett
This is while they're still downstairs.
Colin Jost
This is while I'm waiting. Yeah, they're still waiting downstairs to get loaded in. And he goes down, meets them. Hell's that.
Sean Hayes
I remember watching it. I couldn't believe it.
Colin Jost
And then. So I changed one joke early on between dress and air and it. So at air, it bombs. And in my head I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have taken that swing. But it's perfect because I don't. I could still believe. Believe it's, you know, then, then, then he goes and he crushes. Great audience kills. He does two jokes. Then it comes back to me and I tell next one, which worked really well. Address. And it bombs. And I'm like, oh my God. Because at first I was like, oh, maybe it's a bad crowd. Then he crushes. So I'm like, oh, no.
Will Arnett
Meanwhile, he keeps looking at you like, oh boy.
Colin Jost
Yeah, just not leading. And then. And the fourth joke bombs and I'm truly thinking, like, my career's over. Like something's. It's a turned. I'm never getting it back. It's over. And someone. He had a plant in the audience that he had yell out, you stink after. So simple, so simple. So dumb. John Hagen, he just goes, you stink like old timey heckling.
Will Arnett
Not you. You suck.
Jason Bateman
You're a bum.
Colin Jost
And I. And I heard that and I was like in full. You can tell if you look at. In shock. And then Shay's like, dude, I gotta tell. I gotta tell you. I told him not to laugh at anything. I was like, you.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Sean Hayes
So angry.
Will Arnett
Is this live? Is this on episodes?
Sean Hayes
What a great YouTube. It. You can YouTube.
Colin Jost
It is so horrifying. Now. Now you know, and you'll look and you'll be like. And it's. You're fascist. I was genuinely traumatized for like two more shows. Cause then the Next show back. I didn't know what to. I didn't know what was coming.
Will Arnett
Did you immediately start thinking about payback? Are you a prankster?
Colin Jost
Of course.
Jason Bateman
By the way, did Che run it by Lorne? No, he just did it. He went rogue.
Colin Jost
He did, and I think basically Lorne talked him into eventually telling me versus never telling me.
Jason Bateman
Right, right, right, right.
Colin Jost
Which made it much better, actually, that he did tell me. And otherwise would have been perhaps.
Jason Bateman
No, it's better to get your reaction on camera and see it dawn on you. I mean, that's. But it's amazing.
Sean Hayes
And then. And now what I love, Colin, is you're appearing more and more as Pete Hegseth, which is so brilliant. It's so good. It's such a gift. But does any part of you get nervous about, you know, doing that at all?
Colin Jost
Well, on a couple levels. I mean, first of all, I still. I get nervous even within. In an SNL world because it's suddenly a new thing and a new rhythm. Like, even though I've been there for so long, coming out in the cold open is its own weird feeling. And after all these years, it's good at it.
Will Arnett
You don't have to admit to this, but you've got to privately just be like, so excited to go out there and show off a little bit because you're so goddamn good at what you do, whether you're doing the update or doing he. I mean, it just. You gotta be. I'd love to see more. More doing your thing.
Jason Bateman
I think it. I think it's one of my. I think it's one of my favorite politician impressions. Yeah. Yeah. It's really funny that I can remember in the long. And I'm not just saying that. Cause you're here. It's so good.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Jason Bateman
But. But there is also the added. Because, I mean, obviously he's the. He's the Secretary of War and officially. Right. That's a. That's officially awesome name passed by.
Will Arnett
It's the only country in the world where we call that department. The part. The Department of War as opposed to Department of.
Jason Bateman
I think it's fun that we've now let. Like, they're obviously letting school kids just name departments. Is that what's going on? So they're just taking letters. Yeah. War.
Colin Jost
You can tell the generals are just like, oh, God, yeah.
Jason Bateman
But. But is there. To Sean's question, like, is there an added. Is there another layer of trepidation as you've been. As much as you're comfortable telling us, has there Been pushback in a weird way.
Colin Jost
I don't. I mean, I'm definitely like a little NER nervous about. I kind of just think it's not. It's such. In the scheme of things, like probably, I hope, barely on his radar. Like, it really does feel like there should be bigger.
Will Arnett
But there's so much satire on SNL politically, always has been. So, like, how is this gonna make any big, huge wave? People are conditioned to look for satire
Jason Bateman
politically, end up having a big night. He's got a couple cocktails under his belt and he might start. He might start calling you.
Colin Jost
There could be some vindictiveness.
Will Arnett
Guess what? I'll bet he loves it.
Sean Hayes
I'll bet he loves it.
Colin Jost
The first time I did it, my brother, I have a younger brother. My younger brother was like, it's just so great that America finally gets to see the real you.
Will Arnett
Well, that's what I was going to ask was like, so, like, you know, what would you like to do more? I would love to see you do more acting, whether it be on SNL or not. Do you think you'd ever carve out some time to do more of that?
Sean Hayes
Well, you got a movie coming up.
Colin Jost
I would love it.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
I did this movie with Nate, with Nate Bergetzi, who I love, called the Breadwinner. Breadwinner. That's coming out May 29th. May 29th is what I'm told. And I think I have a fun part. Like, Nate's basically forced to be a stay at home dad because his wife goes on Shark Tank and hits like, gets a lot of traction. And the sharks. The Shark Tank scene is so funny and you really. It's so, so funny. And the Sharks basically make Nate agree to be a stay at home dad. So his wife on camera. And I'm the only other stay at home dad in the neighborhood. And I'm really scared. He's taking over my territory and he's like a really funny dad that comes in and it was so. And I was. I loved the script and he sent it to. You know, I was. People. I never think people really think of me for things. So I was very grateful they. That they thought of me for it. And it was really fun to do. And I gotta say, getting to perform, not live, is even more liberating because you can just swings and you know, it's not. I never get a second chance at things.
Will Arnett
You could, if you could, if you could, if you could, could wiggle your nose and have full success. Come as a writer or as an Actor. Let's say in the next five or 10 years, like, let's say, go the route of, like, you know, let's say Will Ferrell or go the route of, like, Mike Scher. It's tough, right?
Colin Jost
Very good options. I mean, I would. I would really love to do. To get to perform in something outside, you know, a thing that's my own own voice and, And. And get to create. I mean, you know, it. Well, like, it's. You know, it's. It. That would be really satisfying. I think that would be really fun.
Will Arnett
In the same project.
Colin Jost
Yeah, maybe. Or. I mean, I. I don't need to be. I don't need to be the. I would rather be. Perform. Get to perform.
Will Arnett
Yeah.
Colin Jost
But I would, like. I would obviously be involved in some way. I don't think I would not be able to, but I would. I would like to figure out an idea, maybe ideally both. Both where. It's a world that's my own in my. From my own mind, too. I would love that.
Will Arnett
And to think we almost lost you to Bear Stearns or something like that.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
You're doing so much better. I could be long retired. Really?
Jason Bateman
Exactly.
Sean Hayes
But what about you?
Jason Bateman
If you got a Bear Stearns, it would have been a disaster.
Colin Jost
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Jason Bateman
You could have become.
Will Arnett
You could. You could. You could have become dandies, you know.
Jason Bateman
Oh, great.
Sean Hayes
Dandy's the great dandy. Colin, you also do Pop Culture Jeopardy, which is fantastic.
Will Arnett
Wait, is that the one that's on Netflix?
Colin Jost
Yes.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Colin Jost
Okay, that's coming out on Netflix on May 11th.
Sean Hayes
Season two, right?
Colin Jost
Yeah, season two. Yeah. It's really fun. I cannot believe the level of knowledge that these teams have about pop culture. It's really scary. And.
Sean Hayes
Well, I have a surprise for these guys, which is a clip if Bennett can play it. Or Rob.
Will Arnett
Really?
Colin Jost
Oh, yeah.
Will Arnett
I don't think we've ever run a clip before.
Jason Bateman
We've never done a clip. Let's go to the clip. Oh, my God.
Colin Jost
Three in the category of so Help Me Pod, the Smartless podcast is hosted by this trio of funny guys. Anna Marie, who is Sean Hayes. That is one. Alex, who is Eric McCormick.
Jason Bateman
Oh, Jesus. No one.
Sean Hayes
Sorry. Jesus Christ.
Will Arnett
Steve, who is Will Arnett.
Colin Jost
That is the second. And Ashley, who's Fred Armisen. That is a person, but no Justin, with Hayes.
Sean Hayes
I'm sorry, this is hurtful.
Colin Jost
The one we were missing Jason Bateman. But the other two are gonna be very happy to throw it in Jason's face.
Will Arnett
Got it. It's gonna hurt in the renegotiations. But thanks for running the clip.
Jason Bateman
So let's go.
Sean Hayes
First reactions.
Jason Bateman
Let's go around the horn. We'll start with you, Jason.
Sean Hayes
I thought that was so great.
Jason Bateman
So you know what? That Jason abatement's starting to look pretty good, huh?
Will Arnett
Nice old.
Colin Jost
Doesn't sound so bad.
Will Arnett
So this was not Tournament of Champions, I guess, you know, these weren't the World Beaters.
Colin Jost
No, these were the most knowledgeable.
Will Arnett
Come on.
Colin Jost
I think that was the only answer wrong in that whole game. Jesus.
Jason Bateman
That cuts.
Colin Jost
Which you never see. Almost trembling.
Sean Hayes
But the point is Breadwinner, Celebrity, snl, like, all of it. You have so much going on and you have kids and you have Scarlet and you have like just a whole. I mean, it's. You have a ton of stuff going on.
Jason Bateman
Yeah, you're really. You're kicking. You're kicking in. Into high gear right now. And it's fun to watch, man. Really fun to watch.
Will Arnett
It's fun to swing a golf club on top of it all.
Jason Bateman
I know we keep. We've threatened to play. We gotta. Let's.
Colin Jost
We gotta. Maybe this summer you'll be out and we'll do it.
Jason Bateman
Yeah, we're gonna be on Long Island.
Colin Jost
You guys do. Do you ever do. Go to do the Tahoe event or anything like that? Or you like
Will Arnett
rock and roll with the. The boats on the fairway and. What?
Jason Bateman
Well, now he's never going. But
Will Arnett
what's. What's happening? Unplug the speed.
Colin Jost
There's filthy people in Tahoe.
Jason Bateman
I just.
Will Arnett
I don't understand how it just.
Jason Bateman
We did. We've done. We've done a couple of them before. We did. We did the pebble beach back. Back in the day.
Will Arnett
No, that's a tournament.
Colin Jost
That must have been fun. Right?
Jason Bateman
We did that and we've done the Genesis a few times.
Sean Hayes
Times. And.
Jason Bateman
And yeah.
Colin Jost
Oh, yeah, because that's fun.
Jason Bateman
Yes. In la. But start our own golf tournament, you guys.
Will Arnett
Yeah, let's do that. You know.
Jason Bateman
What do you say?
Will Arnett
Yeah.
Colin Jost
Out on Long island, you know, I'm in.
Will Arnett
Keep it real.
Colin Jost
I'm in.
Jason Bateman
We've taken up so much of your time. So much. We can talk forever to this guy. This is unbelievable.
Colin Jost
Yeah, I can stay. I've. I've, like a lot of time.
Sean Hayes
Oh, oh, no problem.
Colin Jost
Don't even feel like you gotta wrap it up.
Jason Bateman
I gotta go. I'm gonna have dinner with Tommy Hilfiger right now. That's a. That's a true story.
Colin Jost
Talk to him. He did an. Tommy Hilfiger did an event on our Staten island ferry. Oh, hang out with him.
Jason Bateman
Right now, what I'm going to say is we drag it out to Sag harbor for the summer, Right? Let's start talking about that.
Colin Jost
That's what every neighbor wants to look up and see. An orange vessel.
Jason Bateman
All those billionaires, they're not going to be mad at that.
Will Arnett
It's fun. It's kitschy.
Sean Hayes
Colin, thank you for being here. You're a pleasure.
Colin Jost
Thank you for bringing in Sean.
Will Arnett
Yeah, Sean, I'm sorry we were abusive towards you and your. And your question, as. Did you get to. Did you. Were you able to ask our guests the things you wanted to ask?
Sean Hayes
Some other things. There's many other things. But that's okay. We'll get it next time.
Will Arnett
I'm sorry, Sean.
Sean Hayes
That's all right.
Will Arnett
Will brings out the worst in me. Sorry it's Will's fault.
Sean Hayes
Okay, well, get back to work. Colin, I know you have a lot of work there with it, especially cleaning up that asbestos above your head. Yeah, because I can still see it. That's amazing.
Colin Jost
I'll let you know what I find.
Will Arnett
Thank you, my friends.
Colin Jost
Thank you guys very much. And I would love to play this summer if you guys want to play anytime.
Jason Bateman
I'm gonna hit you up. We're gonna finally do it.
Will Arnett
Yes, please.
Jason Bateman
Okay. We're gonna finally do it.
Colin Jost
Bye, guys.
Jason Bateman
Bye. Colin Jones.
Colin Jost
Good to see you waving. I'm waving. Like that's gonna register. Audio.
Will Arnett
Audio wave. Audio wave. Audio wave.
Jason Bateman
Thanks, dude. Sean, what a great guest.
Sean Hayes
What a lovely man and a funny, funny.
Colin Jost
I really like.
Jason Bateman
I really like Colin. He's such a funny guy.
Will Arnett
I really.
Jason Bateman
Every.
Sean Hayes
He's.
Will Arnett
Every time with him, he's just, like, easy. Well.
Sean Hayes
But isn't it amazing? He's the longest. I don't know if you heard in the. In the. In the intro. The longest. What am I saying? Of Weekend Update, the guy who's been there. The longest of anybody. Longest tenured host or something.
Jason Bateman
Did. Did you not sleep last night?
Sean Hayes
What happened? I'm still catching up.
Will Arnett
Is your CPAP hose clogged? Just purge your hose.
Sean Hayes
Isn't that wild, though, to just be. To know, like, he just
Colin Jost
too.
Jason Bateman
And Michael. Who? My double.
Sean Hayes
Yeah, Michael is hilarious.
Jason Bateman
Hilarious. Those guys are so funny.
Sean Hayes
Yeah.
Will Arnett
What was the joke? Somebody reminded me of that. They did this last weekend. They played like, a clip of Trump saying, you know, look, we're holding all the cards, and then. And then they come back to colonies. Like, they're literally holding a straight.
Sean Hayes
Yes, I saw that. Yeah.
Jason Bateman
Yeah.
Sean Hayes
I thought it was a pun. It was a pun.
Will Arnett
It's a pun. You know, guys, there's, you know, there's
Sean Hayes
a lot of purchases we've all made in our life and you know, what
Will Arnett
started out as this good buys and some are bad buys.
Sean Hayes
Okay.
Will Arnett
So. Okay, but we're gonna back and finish it. Well, why don't you give it a little bit of a. A head? Like talk about the ferry and then in the middle talk about. Sometimes there's good.
Sean Hayes
Yeah. I mean. Yeah. The Staten Island. What an interesting thing to learn about that. He what drew him to buy that Staten island fair when he was spent.
Will Arnett
You spent it right there. You can't say bye until the end.
Sean Hayes
So still purchase. Okay. It was an interesting thing that he purchased that Staten island ferry with Pete Davidson because it brought, you know, because he took it when he was a kid to go to school. Yeah. So, you know, we've all kind of made interesting purchases. Some are, some are good, some are bad. But that started out as a seemingly bad purchase, but in the end it was a good.
Will Arnett
I know what he's.
Jason Bateman
Goodbye.
Sean Hayes
Goodbye.
Jason Bateman
I like this.
Sean Hayes
Goodbye. I really love.
Jason Bateman
I gotta take a leak. So fuckin bad.
Sean Hayes
Okay.
Will Arnett
Love you. Think of me when you hold it.
Jason Bateman
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Colin Jost
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Sean Hayes
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SMARTLESS – "Colin Jost" (May 4, 2026)
Host: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett | Guest: Colin Jost
This episode of SmartLess brings on Colin Jost—comedian, author, SNL’s longest-serving Weekend Update anchor, and Staten Island native. The hosts dive into Colin's fascinating (and, at times, absurd) journey: from his childhood speech delay to Harvard, from a Staten Island Ferry purchase with Pete Davidson to comedic heights at SNL. The episode sparkles with trademark banter, behind-the-scenes stories, and unexpected life advice, offering a rich, hilarious, and very human portrait of one of comedy’s sharpest minds.
This episode offers a breadth of comedic insight and heart, tracing Colin Jost’s journey from a speech-delayed Staten Island kid to comedy luminary. The laughs flow—on SNL squeamishness, business follies (the ferry!), pranks, and pop culture trivia flubs—crafted in the irreverently supportive, quick-witted SmartLess style. Jost emerges as the rare guest who is sincerely self-deprecating, insightful, and game for all the bit-driven chaos—and the guys clearly love him for it.
You’ll come away knowing why Colin bought a Staten Island ferry with Pete Davidson, the truth about surviving the SNL writers’ room, how to bomb (and bounce back) on live TV, and just what it takes—luck, madness, community, and grit—to ride comedy’s wildest waves.
(Covers all major segments. Ads and outros were omitted as instructed.)