Will Arnett (1:44)

No, this is the show. No, Sean, stop waiting for your life to start, man. You're in it. This is smartless smart less. Smart lattice smart lettuce.

Sean Hayes (2:08)

Hey, you know what I did last night? I didn't even tell you guys. I went to the John Williams concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

Jason Bateman (2:12)

Oh, this sounds awesome.

Will Arnett (2:13)

Oh, no kidding. Now I know why you didn't tell us.

Sean Hayes (2:16)

Yeah, come on. John Williams. Let me tell you something. John Williams.

Jason Bateman (2:20)

Are you still up? It sounds like a rager.

Sean Hayes (2:22)

It was amazing. Here's this guy, John Williams, amazing conductor. He's 89 years old, getting out there, conducting all of the better, all of the songs we love ET Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star wars, all this new stuff. It was incredible.

Jason Bateman (2:37)

I wanted to go to that now, did he do a lot of the conducting?

Sean Hayes (2:39)

No, he did the second half. Yeah, the first half was David Newman, who's also great, but it was amazing. I know.

Jason Bateman (2:46)

I nerded out the Mozart night that you sent me. I'm so bummed I'm not here for it.

Sean Hayes (2:50)

Yeah, I said, jay, let's go see Mozart.

Jason Bateman (2:52)

Sean and I are going to have a classical music date under the stars.

Will Arnett (2:56)

Jason, originally you said yes because you thought it was. The thing was cut in half. You thought it was mozzarella, and you were like, yes, I'. And then it turned out it was Mozart and you're like, ah, not as interesting.

Sean Hayes (3:06)

It's like fried mozzarella.

Jason Bateman (3:07)

Granddad joke. You've done, guys.

Will Arnett (3:11)

Here.

Sean Hayes (3:12)

Today's guest.

Will Arnett (3:13)

Oh, okay. Oh. Get down to business, Sean.

Sean Hayes (3:15)

She's an amazing woman. I love her. She's a friend of all of ours, and boy, does she make me laugh. She's been a standup comedian basically her whole life.

Jason Bateman (3:22)

Less red, Sean. Less red. Try to find a little.

Sean Hayes (3:25)

I don't know how to do it without reading.

Jason Bateman (3:27)

And boy, do I love her. She is our God.

Sean Hayes (3:33)

I do.

Will Arnett (3:35)

She means how much it was.

Sean Hayes (3:37)

She's done everything. She's done specials, acting gigs, hosting gigs. She does everything. Here's what I love. She's opinionated, she's fearless, she's hilarious, she's gorgeous. And gay men can't get enough of her. Really? It's my friend and our friend Chelsea Handler.

Jason Bateman (3:50)

Chelsea.

Will Arnett (3:52)

Oh, my God.

Chelsea Handler (3:52)

Oh, yeah, Chelsea.

Will Arnett (3:55)

There she is.

Chelsea Handler (3:56)

Oh, my. White guys in one room.

Sean Hayes (3:59)

That's right. We're gonna get some more to join us later.

Jason Bateman (4:02)

Look at you.

Sean Hayes (4:02)

Where are you, Chelsea? Are you at home?

Chelsea Handler (4:04)

I am in my office. No, I'm in Las Vegas, actually. I had a show here last night. Cause you're on tour. I'm on tour, so, yeah.

Sean Hayes (4:12)

What's the name of the tour again? The Unvaccinated what?

Chelsea Handler (4:15)

No, it's called Vaccinated and Horny Shawn. Yes, we came up with that together, so I appreciate a little respect. Yes, that's right. We came Vaccinated and ready to rumble.

Jason Bateman (4:25)

Is there a subtitle that says everybody should get a little prick?

Chelsea Handler (4:29)

No, it's just the tip is the subtitle. But thank you for your. Thank you. I'd love to spitball with you guys after we argue. Named the tour. So, yes, let's keep doing that.

Will Arnett (4:38)

Chelsea, thanks for joining us. And thank you for putting up with Jason's punch ups that he's obviously trying to give you.

Chelsea Handler (4:46)

I love Jason's punch ups always.

Jason Bateman (4:49)

They're cheap. So are you staying in Vegas for a while or is it just one of the stops there?

Chelsea Handler (4:55)

No, I just had a stop here. I'm headed to. I'm just on tour, so it's different cities every day. Just all over the country. All the places you want to go. Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, places like that. Florida, Jacksonville.

Sean Hayes (5:09)

Do you like, constantly moving and touring? Like, does it get. Or do you miss home base and being still like a shark?

Jason Bateman (5:15)

She can't stop.

Chelsea Handler (5:16)

Yeah, no, I'm over. I like to. I don't like to sit still for very long. Shawn came with me on tour once last year, two years ago.

Sean Hayes (5:23)

Yeah. It was so fun.

Chelsea Handler (5:25)

Yeah. You complained the entire time.

Sean Hayes (5:27)

I did.

Will Arnett (5:28)

Tell us.

Jason Bateman (5:29)

Yeah. Let's hear it.

Will Arnett (5:30)

Ugh.

Chelsea Handler (5:30)

It was such a pain in it.

Jason Bateman (5:31)

Well, was he in, like an opening act or was he choreographer or was he going on the tour?

Sean Hayes (5:35)

No, no, this is. No, no. I read Chelsea's book, Life Will be the Death, mostly because Chelsea called me and asked me to go on tour with her and chat about it and said. But she said you actually have to read the book.

Jason Bateman (5:45)

Oh, boy.

Sean Hayes (5:46)

So I read the book.

Will Arnett (5:47)

And you had to learn how to read. So you had to learn how to read. Then you had to get the book.

Sean Hayes (5:51)

But I laughed out loud. You know what I was. When I read that book? I was, like, enlightened. Like, you taught me things I brought up with you on the tour, I was filled with insight about who you are and why you are all those things. And in the book, you talk about your. One of the things you talk about in that book was your brother passed away when you were like nine and he was older than you. And obviously, you know, I want to ask you this. You know, something like that never leaves you and has a tremendous impact on a child of that age. But for those of us who haven't suffered like a loss like that as a child, how did that inform you going further, like through your teenage years and adulthood? And does that still inform you in certain ways?

Chelsea Handler (6:33)

Well, I think, you know, when it happens, you just, like you're a nine year old person, so you can't even really articulate what's happening or digest it in any real way. It just feels like abandonment or rejection. So you kind of pack it away and then just distract yourself for the next 35 years and until it fucking comes and taps you on the shoulder. And then you have to address it with a professional. Like, once your anger stops working for you in that way, and you become too angry, which is what happened to me. Then you sit down with somebody and you're like. You pay somebody to tell you what the fuck is wrong with you.

Will Arnett (7:06)

Right.

Chelsea Handler (7:06)

That's a transaction. I like therapy. You're paying someone to tell you why you're acting like such a cunt. So it was a process of just understanding that many of my behaviors were a reaction to what happened to me as a little girl. And the inability to ever really healthily deal with that and digest it kind of turns you into maybe somebody that you're not. Or maybe it is your personality, but it makes you kind of assess yourself. You want to. It's the gift of self awareness. You want to reflect and go, oh, wait, is this why I'm so impulsive? Is this why I don't want to be? You know, this is why I love being single and I don't have to depend on anybody. You know, all of that stuff.

Sean Hayes (7:47)

All of that stuff.

Chelsea Handler (7:47)

Yeah.

Sean Hayes (7:48)

So. Well, I think it's amazing, though, because. Yeah. All that therapy.

Chelsea Handler (7:51)

I'm sorry, did you want to interrupt me again? Sean Henry, for fuck's sake.

Sean Hayes (7:54)

So sorry.

Chelsea Handler (7:55)

Jesus.

Sean Hayes (7:55)

You know, I live for it. I live for you. Okay, so keep going.

Chelsea Handler (7:58)

Sorry, but I want to. Well, we were talking about that because. So Sean came to Chicago, the Chicago theater, right.

Sean Hayes (8:04)

Yeah.

Chelsea Handler (8:05)

We performed at or. You interviewed me. And the whole time he was just, like, you know, complaining about the flight out. And he had to bring Scottie, of course, which is obviously an added bonus. Anytime you have to deal with Sean, it's better to have Scotty around.

Will Arnett (8:19)

Amen.

Chelsea Handler (8:20)

Because it's like his nanny.

Sean Hayes (8:21)

That's true.

Chelsea Handler (8:22)

And we had a great conversation on stage, right?

Sean Hayes (8:26)

Yeah, it was so fun.

Chelsea Handler (8:27)

Yeah. We had a great time. And then you just kept asking me how much I was gonna reimburse you for the trip, Right.

Will Arnett (8:32)

Yeah.

Sean Hayes (8:32)

By the way, still waiting.

Will Arnett (8:33)

How much you make and how much you got when you sold your house.

Chelsea Handler (8:36)

Yeah. He loves to talk about money.

Sean Hayes (8:38)

I love it. I love it.

Will Arnett (8:39)

Yeah, he does.

Sean Hayes (8:40)

Money makes the world go around. I like to know how it makes.

Jason Bateman (8:42)

The world go around. Speaking of money, when you're in Vegas, do you like the tables? Do you like the slots? You got a loose slot that you prefer?

Chelsea Handler (8:49)

Yeah, I play blackjack a lot. Although Will. Will and I were in Vegas once, and we played craps. I had never played craps before. And that was fun. Cause Will knew how to play craps. And your other friend. What was your friend's name?

Will Arnett (9:00)

Will Beast. Mark Foreman.

Chelsea Handler (9:02)

Beast.

Sean Hayes (9:02)

Yes.

Will Arnett (9:03)

Beast.

Chelsea Handler (9:03)

Beast, yeah.

Will Arnett (9:04)

You lent him money. In fact, he was like, he worked for me at the time. He still does. Works with me. But no, but he had no money. And he was like, no, I don't want it. And you're like, take some. Fine. Chelsea just grabbed. Pushed some of her chips over to him like, you're a beast. Just take this. And he was like, oh, my God, what the hell?

Sean Hayes (9:21)

Now, Chelsea, when we were on tour, too, I'm just fascinated with your family and your upbringing, because there's some crossover into mine, too, about how kind of just screwed up it was. But I remember you telling me that your mom. No, no, wait. Your dad was. Is Jewish and your mom was Mormon, right?

Chelsea Handler (9:41)

My mom was Mormon and my dad is Jewish. Yeah.

Sean Hayes (9:43)

So what? So what religion was forced upon you, if any, growing up? And did you.

Chelsea Handler (9:49)

Well, not fucking Mormon, because we all told my mom to take a long walk off of a long pier. And we didn't take that seriously. Once I real. We broke it down. My dad was the dominating person in that marriage. And my mom was German, so she came over after the war, so we weren't about to take anything seriously that she said, you know what I mean? He was Jewish. And she was going to just shut up about being German for a long time until things blew over from World War II. So we.

Will Arnett (10:17)

Did she marry him out of guilt?

Chelsea Handler (10:22)

I think maybe that had something. They had quite a love affair, my parents. He met her in a ski store. He was buying ski socks, and he saw her last.

Jason Bateman (10:31)

Just the socks?

Will Arnett (10:31)

No way.

Chelsea Handler (10:32)

Yeah, just the socks. He didn't ski either. He just went in there to buy a size 12 pair of socks or something like that, you know. Anyway, they had a love affair. My mother agreed to raise all her children Jewish, so I thought my mom was Jewish until my brother died. And then it was a big thing because, you know, in Judaism, Jews all have to be buried in a Jewish cemetery together, right? So when would. They had to buy my, like, a plot of graves? When my brother died. And they wanted to buy one for both of my parents. And I remember our rabbi was at our house, and he's like, rita, my mother isn't Jewish. She can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery. And I was like, that was the first I had heard of it. And I was like, what do you mean, mom's not Jewish? What is Mom? And, you know, I was nine. So nobody really took my feelings seriously or into account. They just thought, she doesn't really understand what's going on. And Then when my mom did pass away, she never converted to Judaism. She was Mormon. Like, she wore the undergarments. She had missionaries at our house all the time.

Jason Bateman (11:29)

Wow.

Chelsea Handler (11:30)

And so when she did pass away, my dad was like, listen, we have to have. You know, we're having a Jewish funeral for your mother so that she can be buried next to your brother. And we're like, dad, this is such bullshit. Like, all of her Mormon friends are coming to the funeral. Like, they're all at our house. We can't do that. He's like, don't make eye contact with any of those people, okay? We just have to get through the funeral and get her ground. And I was like, my family was so fucked up, we couldn't even get funerals right.

Sean Hayes (11:56)

Oh, my go.

Will Arnett (11:57)

What a crazy world. Imagine here is somebody. She's your mom. He's. She's your dad's wife. Everybody loves her. Your dad has these feelings. He wants her to be buried next to her son. Like, all this, like, just. It's all about love and love of people. And there's fucking religion whether. Whichever one it is, take your pick. Sticking his fucking nose in and ruining the experience of people who are just fucking grieving and in love with each other. And that is such fucking bullshit. Like, that is. That is crazy.

Chelsea Handler (12:25)

Yeah, well, what's crazier is that he was naked in our kitchen a week later with his cleaning lady. So he obviously took my mom's death very hard.

Jason Bateman (12:32)

But his feet were warm. I'll bet, right? Did he keep just the socks?

Chelsea Handler (12:35)

He had his socks on.

Will Arnett (12:36)

Yep.

Chelsea Handler (12:37)

Yeah, he had his socks on. That's where. Yeah, that's where he took your mom's death.

Will Arnett (12:42)

Semi hard.

Jason Bateman (12:43)

Nice.

Will Arnett (12:43)

I heard.

Jason Bateman (12:44)

Nice.

Will Arnett (12:44)

The rumor was.

Chelsea Handler (12:45)

The rumor was right into his socks.

Jason Bateman (12:47)

Now, what did you. What about any of the Mormon stuff make its way into the house? Or is that more like if. If the father is a Mormon, then there's a lot of wives around and kids around, or do you come from a big family?

Will Arnett (13:02)

How dare you? But first of all, how dare you?

Jason Bateman (13:03)

I'm not sure I'm rusty on all.

Chelsea Handler (13:05)

This stuff on Mormonism.

Jason Bateman (13:07)

Yeah, well, we actually lived in Salt Lake City for a while, so. I know it sort of. Kind of, but not really.

Chelsea Handler (13:14)

Anyway, yeah, it's kind of adjacent to a lot of people. Like, a lot of us, we kind of know a little bit. I remember I read the Book of Mormon. My mom. Because my mom got religious after my brother died. You know, everybody handles their grief like that. Like, people get sick, they get religious, they get angry, they hide it away. My mom got really back involved with the church because before that, she was just carrying on like a Jewish mother, like, at all of our bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, my brothers and sisters. I'm one of six kids. My mom would be on the bima at the temple singing Hebrew prayers. So when I found out she wasn't Jewish, I was like, wait, what? So it was very confusing. But my mom converted my one sister, Shoshana. She became Mormon, too. She's now finally recovering from that. But I remember reading the Book of Mormon when I was, like, 11, and I just.

Jason Bateman (14:01)

How does the Mormon Church even allow a Shoshana in there? Shoshana should be. You can't get through the door.

Sean Hayes (14:08)

I do.

Chelsea Handler (14:08)

They'll take anyone. Exactly. There's no prerequisite.

Sean Hayes (14:11)

Charles, were your parents, like, kind of a boring question, but I'm interested. Were your parents supportive in you going to comedy or the entertainment business at all? Were they like, what are you doing? I don't understand why you're going there.

Chelsea Handler (14:23)

No, my parents, when I left. You don't understand the kind. I was a hell on wheels when I grew up. I was just. Whatever anybody told me to do, I did the opposite and told them to fuck off. You know, teachers, any authority, like, authority figures. Both of my parents. So by the time I moved to LA, I think I was 19 years old when I came out to LA. And they were just like, this is the right thing. You should go. Everyone was so over me and my family that they were happy I was leaving. And I was telling my. I was telling the story the other day. My brother. I was driving cross country. My dad was a used car dealer, so he gave me this, like, Audi Quattro. This used Audi Quattro, which I knew was gonna break down as soon as I got across country, if I even made it. And my brother, being as protective, you know, protective, overprotective, said, why don't you. I met this bartender last night in a bar, and he wants to go across country, too. Why don't you drive with him across country?

OnDeck Advertiser (15:19)

Smart.

Chelsea Handler (15:19)

So you're not alone.

Sean Hayes (15:20)

Oh, my God.

Chelsea Handler (15:21)

And I was like. And he goes, it's safer that way, Chelsea. And I was like, yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course, I was like, sure. So I pick up the guy. I don't remember.

Sean Hayes (15:35)

His name was Andy Dick.

Jason Bateman (15:36)

Andy Dick.

Chelsea Handler (15:37)

Yeah, it was Andy Dick. Actually, it was David Spade and Andy Dick. And he was two guys.

Will Arnett (15:43)

The guy was two guys.

Chelsea Handler (15:45)

It was twins. I was like, are you guys. Oh, my God. He said one guy, and they just started multiplying. And the guy says to me, he goes, hey, do you want to go get some coke in the city for the trip? And I was 19. And this was before I was. Wait, was it Bateman?

Will Arnett (16:01)

Was it Bateman that you picked up?

Chelsea Handler (16:03)

It wasn't. I do like Bateman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't.

Jason Bateman (16:06)

Guys, let her do the big reveal, all right? You're jumping ahead.

Chelsea Handler (16:12)

And the guy goes, let's get some coke. And I was like, all right. So we drive into New York City. He picks up his coke, right? We're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And we get in the car and we're driving. It's like a five hour drive. We left from New Jersey and I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland. Cause we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is. And we get to a hotel room, we get two beds and we check in. And he starts doing the coke. And I was like, really? The first night, I was like, how's this gonna work? And then he got maps out. This was before, you know, our cell phones and everything. He got maps out and was laying them all across the room while he was snorting coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, oh, my fucking God.

Jason Bateman (16:59)

Sounds like a great night.

Sean Hayes (17:00)

He should have laid down the coke in the route.

Chelsea Handler (17:03)

And he was so annoying. And he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, dude, you gotta stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never gonna be able to drive again because there's a pound of cocaine in our room and you'. And then I was like, what if he dies on my watch?

Jason Bateman (17:20)

So, no, he's gonna try to kiss you first. Did he try to kiss you then?

Chelsea Handler (17:23)

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I go to sleep. I woke up, he was inside of me. I go to sleep.

Jason Bateman (17:30)

But it wasn't hard, though.

Chelsea Handler (17:36)

I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps. And he's like, I think we could go this way. And I think we could go this way. And I was like, there's no way this is happening. So I take my suitcase, I go, hey, I wanna go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases. I leave his right outside our room and I take mine, I put it in the trunk and I just pulled out of that, like, Maryland hotel that we were at, left him there and drove the rest of the way across country by myself and left him about five hours out.

Sean Hayes (18:03)

That is great. Ever hear from him again?

Chelsea Handler (18:06)

My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, thanks a lot for that idiot. And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, yeah, I did. And he said, yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was $2,000.

Sean Hayes (18:23)

By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best still. What a fucking.

Chelsea Handler (18:28)

Yeah, that taxi driver. It was probably. Yeah, that taxi driver's like, actually, it was $500 until you started talking. So now it's 2000.

Jason Bateman (18:36)

And we will be right back.

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Sean Hayes (20:07)

And now back to the show.

Jason Bateman (20:09)

So when you got out to LA, you're 19 years old.

Will Arnett (20:11)

Yeah. Colin, you're on the fucking freeway. What are you going?

Jason Bateman (20:14)

What's the first stop? What'd you want to do?

Chelsea Handler (20:17)

I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions, and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence, and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. Sure. Like, I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty, you know, for the attention, to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it in. Into something a little bit more sophisticated or, you know. And then I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived on Beverly Glen. They had nine children, and I became their kind of nanny. And I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern. And I just started waiting tables. And then I was like, all right, what the fuck am I gonna do out here?

Sean Hayes (21:02)

Wow.

Chelsea Handler (21:02)

Like, how am I gonna get discovered? Like, I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, oh, okay, come with us.

Jason Bateman (21:08)

And what was first? Did you go to the Comedy Store? Did you go to the improv? Did you, like, get an agent? What was first?

Chelsea Handler (21:16)

Well, I went to. I got a DUI when I was 21 years old.

Will Arnett (21:20)

Unusual, Ruth.

Jason Bateman (21:21)

Good start.

Chelsea Handler (21:21)

Unusual, yes. Unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. And I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my dui, and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next dui. So they tell you, like, if you get pulled over, the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. Like, you always have to say, no. Deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again, and it's being paid for by the state, and then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. And so I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking, and I didn't know. So I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every. Don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm gonna say. I don't know what my story is. And on the very last class, he was out of people, and I had to get up. And I remember just like, you know when you're so nervous, your leg is shaking? And I just was like, oh, my God. And I got up there, and I started telling my story. And everyone just started laughing and laughing. Cause, like, I called the cop racist. We were both white. You know, everything I did, I was in civil Brand county jail for, like, 24 hours because they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am, this you, white, entitled, little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, what? Sybil Brand? I just found the biggest, fattest black woman I could find. And I was like, let's be friends. And after that, after I spoke and I did that, people were like, you should do standup. And then I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I should do standup. You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after. So that's when I started doing standup. So I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea, because people. If people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing standup my own.

Sean Hayes (23:14)

But it's interesting that it was in there. It was in there before you got up there. You just didn't. You just needed some kind of something to pull it out of you. Yeah.

Chelsea Handler (23:22)

Yeah. A little outlet to pull it out of me.

Will Arnett (23:24)

Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer who busted you and. And thanking him for your career?

Chelsea Handler (23:30)

No, I haven't thought about that. I was waiting for. I was actually going to wait for you to do that, Will. Is that something you feel comfortable doing?

Will Arnett (23:38)

Of course I do. Of course.

Sean Hayes (23:40)

So, Chelsea. No. It seems like in the last decade or so, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious standup to. And television shows where your humor comes out from everything from observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political and world issues that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about. And what was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that, you know, shifted your focus a little bit?

Chelsea Handler (24:10)

Yeah, it was called the election, Sean, of 2016.

Sean Hayes (24:13)

No, I didn't know if it was before that. I didn't know if it was before that.

Chelsea Handler (24:16)

No. I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh, God, America's gonna be over. Like, we're passe.

Sean Hayes (24:22)

And that's when your book. And that's when you wrote your book, and.

Chelsea Handler (24:25)

Yeah, so that was like. I went through a really difficult time. It was after. Right as my Netflix show was ending, and that's when I got into therapy, and I was just. So. It Was like, like, you know, they say your anger, everything works for you until it doesn't. Right. And that was kind of when everything came to a head for me, where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. Like, I'm not doing great anymore. And what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that. And I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that. But I felt like I had to. I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't. It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you? And I'm not like that, you know, I wish I could shut up sometimes.

Sean Hayes (25:07)

And before that, you weren't just as. I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but, like, in tune to politics or. You weren't as affected by them in that way. Is that fair?

Chelsea Handler (25:19)

No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, not in tune. And I was affected by it.

Sean Hayes (25:24)

Maybe you come over later.

Chelsea Handler (25:25)

I know I always have to correct you.

Sean Hayes (25:26)

I love it.

Chelsea Handler (25:27)

But it was going well. We had Barack Obama, and I thought things were changing in my naive little bubble. I'm like, oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving. I wasn't as vehement and loud, you know, until. Until that.

Jason Bateman (25:44)

Did you feel that? Did you. Were you. Were you satisfied or pacified that what you were doing was affecting some change, or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind and if anything good comes from it, then great. But until then, at least I'm speaking my mind.

Chelsea Handler (26:03)

Well, I did a lot of stuff. Like I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to, you know, debate conservative, to talk about the election, to understand why people did that. And I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterms. So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see, like a tangible event, you know, or concrete evidence, I should say, of your efforts and not just mine. Obviously. Millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So, yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It. It felt full on, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything, like 150%. And then, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm done with this, you know, and then we get this president and we're dealing with this shit and you're Just like, oh, my God, it's never ending, this kind of cycle. So I've. I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple weeks because it's just. It really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective.

Will Arnett (26:58)

Welcome to the club.

Chelsea Handler (26:59)

Yeah.

Will Arnett (27:00)

I'm serious. I'm serious. No, no, no. I, I. These guys know I talk about it all the time that I. About a year and a half ago, I turned off all the cable news things in my dvr. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, first of all, it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on. It's virtually impossible in the world that we live in. And I don't need to be reminded of a 24 7, and I don't need to have it affect me to the point where I feel. God, I hate the word toxic, but toxic, where it's just like. It feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times.

Chelsea Handler (27:32)

Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a big bummer.

Will Arnett (27:33)

We'll be right back.

Chelsea Handler (27:34)

I mean.

Will Arnett (27:37)

Sorry.

Chelsea Handler (27:38)

Yeah, let's. Let's change the subject.

Sean Hayes (27:40)

Okay, Here we go. Ready? Watch this.

Will Arnett (27:44)

Sean, you set us on this path of destruction.

Sean Hayes (27:47)

I know.

Will Arnett (27:48)

And you've ruined it. She's doing a comedy tour for sake.

Jason Bateman (27:51)

Let's get back to religion. No, we'll get back to religion. That's just fun.

Will Arnett (27:54)

No, we said the hot button.

Jason Bateman (27:56)

How about gambling? Gambling?

Will Arnett (27:58)

I was talking about, about.

Chelsea Handler (27:59)

Let's talk about sick children.

Jason Bateman (28:00)

What about puppies? How about animals? You love animals, right? Let's talk about some animals.

Chelsea Handler (28:05)

Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during COVID I was like, fuck this. My dogs think that I'm. They think my housekeeper is their rescuer. And they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are. It was. It was so de demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID and I went to Whistler. I went skiing because. Because I love to ski. And I thought, well, I'm not gonna spend four months in la. In my house. I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our plate.

Sean Hayes (28:40)

I know it.

Chelsea Handler (28:40)

Look me in the eye like, are you fucking. Are you kidding me that you think you're gonna look after us? I would Take them for. I took them for a walk the first day I'm in Whistler. I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk. Probably for the first time since I got them, let's be honest, because I had to go to Whistler alone. You know, it was Covid. You could. Nobody could get in and stay. So I'm walking them, and they're brother, sister, chow chows. They're from the same litter, and they're rescues. I want to put that in there just so PETA doesn't fucking bump me up. I've had problems with them in the past, so I took them for a walk one morning, and this woman. And I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy, they can't even run. You know, they're just like. And I'm walking around the corner, and this woman sees them.

Will Arnett (29:22)

She goes.

Chelsea Handler (29:23)

And I'm like, really? She goes, there's no leashes. You don't have leashes on the dogs? And I said, they're not aggressive. Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not gonna do anything. And she's like, it's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears.

Sean Hayes (29:39)

They're, like 1ft tall.

Chelsea Handler (29:40)

They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all. So nobody's gonna think that. But, yeah, my dogs, after I took them home from Whistler, I just. My cleaning lady was like. When I came home, I realized, like, I just. That was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does. You know, I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to, but those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive. And when with me, it feels like they're going to cross over, I'm gonna.

Sean Hayes (30:11)

Put jelly in mine and just come over and we're gonna be a family.

Chelsea Handler (30:14)

That doesn't work for dogs, honey.

Sean Hayes (30:15)

Sorry.

Chelsea Handler (30:16)

Unless you have maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? No. You do have a cat.

Sean Hayes (30:19)

I don't have a cat.

Will Arnett (30:20)

No.

Sean Hayes (30:21)

Scotty's.

Chelsea Handler (30:21)

He should.

Sean Hayes (30:22)

All right, so listen. Ch.

Will Arnett (30:25)

You know, you go ahead, Sean, you got another question? Yeah, don't let anybody else chime in here on.

Capella University Advertiser (30:30)

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Sean Hayes (30:31)

I've talked on this podcast, and we started.

Chelsea Handler (30:34)

I know. By the way, I've listened to this podcast, Sean, and this is the most you've spoken.

Sean Hayes (30:38)

So, John, it Is because I get excited when I see you.

Chelsea Handler (30:41)

Jason's on his Only Fans page. Look at Jason. Look at him down there.

Will Arnett (30:45)

He wishes he knew what that was. Are you kidding?

Jason Bateman (30:47)

What is Onlyfans?

Will Arnett (30:49)

There you go. What is Only Fans Truly?

Jason Bateman (30:51)

Is that a thing?

Chelsea Handler (30:52)

Yeah, it is a thing.

Will Arnett (30:54)

Anybody wants to take a show, now.

Chelsea Handler (30:55)

That you've heard it once, you'll hear it again.

Will Arnett (30:57)

Unbelievable.

Sean Hayes (30:58)

Chels, I heard you on your. By the way, you have a fantastic podcast. I love it. You're so funny. And you on it. You said you're talking about something about funerals. Like I can't remember if it's.

Chelsea Handler (31:08)

Oh, getting hit on at a funeral.

Sean Hayes (31:10)

Yeah. Or not. Did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay to get hit on.

Chelsea Handler (31:13)

No, no, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. And even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do it.

Jason Bateman (31:24)

Well, what about. You're crying, you need a shoulder to cry on and he just.

Sean Hayes (31:28)

Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral?

Will Arnett (31:30)

What if it's open, casual?

Chelsea Handler (31:31)

I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral making out at a funeral. At my friend. Yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service.

Sean Hayes (31:47)

Wait, oh my God.

Chelsea Handler (31:48)

Making out. Like tongue kissing. And I'm like, you fucking have to be kidding me. It's so.

Jason Bateman (31:53)

Well, it was at the. It was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right?

Will Arnett (31:56)

No, it was at a memorial. But still. It's still. Whatever. It's still memorial and it's still hot as hell. Or really rude.

Sean Hayes (32:03)

Interesting.

Will Arnett (32:03)

But depends. Were they good looking people? Yeah, it depends.

Chelsea Handler (32:06)

Yeah, they're both good looking people.

Will Arnett (32:08)

Well, that's pretty fucking great. I mean, watching good looking people make out. I don't care where you are in.

Sean Hayes (32:13)

Front of a cast.

Will Arnett (32:13)

That's gonna.

Chelsea Handler (32:14)

Right. And they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway.

Will Arnett (32:17)

They're celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us. But they're not.

Sean Hayes (32:21)

I wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it. Hey, Chels, let me ask you something else, you know, for the.

Will Arnett (32:27)

Oh, my God. Sean. Sean. We gotta pause there for a second.

Jason Bateman (32:30)

Hold on a second.

Chelsea Handler (32:31)

Where's Scotty? Sean, where's Scott?

Will Arnett (32:33)

I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and Strangles you, right? Just fucking. That's it. Fucking Sean's. Ugh.

Chelsea Handler (32:44)

Okay, wait, you can take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it.

Sean Hayes (32:48)

I'll do it myself. No, Chels, I wanted to know for real though. Cause for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always, always, always on the go, go, go, go, go, go, nonstop. Who is your constant when you come back home or, you know, you hear this word a lot, like Camp Chelsea. Like who's in your camp? Or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time that you're like, ah, now I'm home.

Chelsea Handler (33:12)

My family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight, so we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together.

Sean Hayes (33:18)

Oh, that's good.

Chelsea Handler (33:19)

A lot of them are in New Jersey. But, you know, not my dogs, obviously. And my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends, you know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends. And LA has been my home base for a long time. But I don't ever spend a long duration of time in la. I go in and out. Actually, Covid was the longest amount of time I ever spent in la. And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children because apparently parenting never fucking ends. And I have designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house. So she came down for Covid for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21 and 18. And they stayed for three months. And then I put the house on the market and sold it so that would never happen to me again.

Sean Hayes (34:05)

Are you serious?

Jason Bateman (34:06)

How did you let that happen?

Chelsea Handler (34:08)

Well, it was my sister, so obviously I can't say no to family, but. And I thought, oh, this will be fun. I have, you know, the room. I have this great fun house. And so they all came down. And then all of a sudden I was doing dinners every night at 7:30 with, you know, three kids. And every night somebody would cry and then one. Oh, and then my nephew, who. My nephew, he's 24 years old, he's a sports journalist. And he was getting really frustrated during COVID You know, he's like, I can't date. I'm like, date, buddy. Like, people are dying. We're in a global pandemic. So one night I go, she's like.

Will Arnett (34:40)

Do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chicks?

Chelsea Handler (34:44)

Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up. So he had an outdoor. Like an outdoor date in my backyard. And my sister goes, let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody. And I was like, okay. So we went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's, and we came back and he was at my kitchen counter. My 24 year old nephew, my firstborn nephew, okay? And he is acting like Ernest Hemingway, just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair like he'd never been through so much. And I was like, jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, no, she'll. Of course I didn't. And it's not funny.

Jason Bateman (35:24)

He's all backed up, huh?

Chelsea Handler (35:25)

And I looked at him and I was like, no fucking way am I listening? I'm like, is this boy frustrated because he's horny? And I couldn't believe it. So I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, sorry about that. I go, oh, sorry about that. Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic. What are. Do you know? I'm horny too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house. So anyway, they left after that.

Sean Hayes (35:56)

I would have come over.

Chelsea Handler (35:58)

Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having sex with you, Sean. Who doesn't? I mean, he. I mean, especially when you can't shut the fuck up while we're having sex. You know, you just drill me with one question after another.

Sean Hayes (36:10)

I don't drill you with my penis, just questions.

Chelsea Handler (36:12)

No, you drill me with questions.

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Will Arnett (37:45)

And now back to the show.

Jason Bateman (37:47)

Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning or the end.

Chelsea Handler (37:52)

I'm in the beginning of it, announced 30 dates and I announcing 30 more. So I'm gonna be on tour for the next year, so it's pretty fun. And we kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara bowl after two years. It was closed, so that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon, so it was just such a great vibe. Tons of my friends came.

Sean Hayes (38:11)

I love that.

Chelsea Handler (38:12)

And, yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time and big groups and. And, you know, my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have, you know, faith in that. And, yeah, I'm just loving doing standup again. You know, I want to get back to, like, did you have it.

Jason Bateman (38:28)

Sorry, did you have a chance to work on your material even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID Yeah, yeah, I had.

Chelsea Handler (38:35)

A. I mean, I have been. I've been, yeah. Getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together, but there's so much material from COVID you know, trying to have sex during COVID I had to get my own Covid tests at my house. And then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever, and I'd give them a little nasal swab, and it'd take like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that.

Sean Hayes (38:57)

There's nothing sexier.

Chelsea Handler (38:58)

And in that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them, you know, about, see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say you're positive. You have to leave my house.

Sean Hayes (39:13)

A pinky ring.

Will Arnett (39:15)

If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive. Like, just.

Chelsea Handler (39:19)

Yeah. Anybody who said masks don't work? It's like, get out of my house. I can no longer fuck you.

Sean Hayes (39:24)

Right? Right.

Will Arnett (39:24)

Wow.

Sean Hayes (39:25)

Hey, Chalice. When you go on tour like, you are, and do you have, like, a thing after the show's over where you, like, like, any rituals or anything where you meet and greet, where you come back to the hotel where you are, do you do something, or you're just, like, straight to bed or how late do you stay up?

Chelsea Handler (39:41)

Yeah, I do a VIP meet and greet for the. You know, get the best tickets. We do pictures after. But, you know, when you're on tour, it's pretty grueling. Like, being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour, whatever it ends up being is like, I'm 46 years old, so I got to keep it tight. I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road, where it didn't matter. And I, you know, it didn't matter. You just. Now, it's like, you want to be sharp. You want to have mental clarity. So, no, I don't really get after it in that way. It's like, usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night.

Will Arnett (40:14)

Right.

Sean Hayes (40:14)

Do you ever go and see other people's standup? Do you ever?

Chelsea Handler (40:18)

Yeah, yeah, I do. I have been lately.

Sean Hayes (40:20)

Like, anybody you're a fan of now?

Chelsea Handler (40:22)

Yeah, a lot of standups. There's Hannah. I have a lot of amazing women opening for me. Hannah Einbinder's awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female standup. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's, you know, you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it.

Will Arnett (40:44)

Yeah, for sure.

Chelsea Handler (40:45)

And, yeah, I just use different people all the time, and I just love to bring girls in and. Yeah, I love that. I mean, what was the question, Sean?

Sean Hayes (40:53)

No, that's it.

Will Arnett (40:53)

Yeah, Sean, what was the fucking question?

Jason Bateman (40:55)

He wants to know what you do after. Cause we're gonna do a real stupid thing. We're gonna go on tour. Like, oh, yeah, I saw that. We're dumbasses. And so Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post show routine is gonna be.

Will Arnett (41:09)

He wants to base it up what you do, and he wants to know, like, can we hit the bars. Can he mingle it up with people.

Jason Bateman (41:15)

Or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the sch and like.

Will Arnett (41:18)

Where he's got to do, like it. No, Scotty, I'm at home and like. Shut up, you guys.

Chelsea Handler (41:21)

Well, these two guys, these two guys are sober, so they're not going to be going out with you, right?

Jason Bateman (41:25)

We can drive. We can drive him. Yeah, maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after it.

Chelsea Handler (41:30)

Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows. You know, if it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast. Yeah. You'll be free to do whatever you want.

Will Arnett (41:38)

Plenty of energy. You don't have to conserve any. Thank you, by the way.

Sean Hayes (41:44)

Way, Chels, thank you for managing expectations as we move forward.

Will Arnett (41:48)

You know, what do you think, Chelsea, I do want to ask you, like, you've kind of had a bunch of different careers. Like you've been. You're a stand up and you're a stand up. You didn't start as a standup though, is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you kind of became known also as you had your show, obviously that was hugely successful. And now you've kind of come back to stand up and you had this show on Netflix as well. And you've gotten very political. Like, you haven't had like a sort of orthodox career. Not that anybody really does. My point is, where do you see yourself? Like, what kind of shit do you want to do, I don't know, in the next five years or 10 years that you think is going to interest you outside of just touring and shit? Do you see yourself like doing another show, like a late night show or some shit?

Chelsea Handler (42:34)

You know, I, I did start out as a stand up. I. That's how I got, you know, my show. So I did. Just to clarify that I did start out, I did quit for a while when I burned myself when I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series. And I had like a three or four year contract with them. So I did all of that stuff. I did my shows, I did a bunch of documentaries and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will be the Death of Me, to a network for me to star in.

Sean Hayes (43:06)

I read that.

Chelsea Handler (43:06)

So it's kind of like.

Will Arnett (43:07)

Wait, sorry. Sorry to interrupt. How many books you've written. I know you've written a bunch of six.

Sean Hayes (43:12)

Amazing. Amazing.

Will Arnett (43:13)

That's pretty fucking impressive.

Chelsea Handler (43:15)

Six number one New York Times bestsellers, guys.

Will Arnett (43:18)

Is that true? Six number Ones?

Chelsea Handler (43:20)

Yeah.

Sean Hayes (43:20)

That's incredible.

Will Arnett (43:21)

That's really impressive. That's very impressive.

Chelsea Handler (43:23)

Thanks. I know. Sometimes I can't believe it.

Jason Bateman (43:25)

That's awesome. So you're adapting that into a show?

Chelsea Handler (43:28)

Yeah, so it's kind of like a Curb youb Enthusiasm. Like, with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decant, but never really being successful.

Sean Hayes (43:36)

I love that.

Jason Bateman (43:37)

Another great title. Think about that as a title. You know, you just put like a weird symbol, phone symbol on there instead of the U, and you're. You're gold.

Will Arnett (43:46)

Oh, yeah.

Jason Bateman (43:47)

Yeah.

Chelsea Handler (43:47)

I wake up. I have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone, you guys, just to decant. I'm like, do not be a bitch today. You are one. Try not to be sure.

Will Arnett (43:55)

Spend. Maybe spell it with a K and then a U with an umlaut, and then you might be able to get away with it.

Jason Bateman (43:58)

You're done. Yep. Good call, Will.

Chelsea Handler (43:59)

Yeah, I'll use the Kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that.

Jason Bateman (44:05)

So when. When do you start doing. Are you writing that now in script form?

Chelsea Handler (44:10)

Yeah. Liz Tuchilo, who's the writer on it, she and I just sold it. So we're negotiating our deal and, yeah, we're on it. I'm pretty excited. I've never played myself on tv. I've never really done a television show where it was acting for. So I feel like I'm in that mode right now. Late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not gonna do something, I end up doing it. So I don't want to say I'm never gonna do that again. But I don't see my. Myself interviewing. I like real people. Like, I'm on my podcast, Dear Chelsea. People call in for advice. Like it was supposed to be a joke, and it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person. I like people to take risks, and I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, go, do that. Break up with that guy. Leave that job. You know, stop talking to your mother. But. So I just like that. I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories. And I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities. And now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything. So that genre, for me or that medium, I should say for me, is no longer very exciting or challenging. You know, maybe something will happen to change that.

Jason Bateman (45:20)

But what about acting? What about where does acting sit for you playing somebody completely different, does that have any interest to you, or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in?

Chelsea Handler (45:30)

If it were fun and it was a challenge, Yeah. I mean, I do stuff. You know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated. And I was like, oh, that's a fun role. Like, I could get off on that, you know, but then I couldn't do it with my tour and Covid. You have to come in and out of Vancouver. But I am always open to things like that. But, you know, it's not my. It's not my jam. You know, I don't. I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge.

Jason Bateman (45:58)

Right, right.

Will Arnett (45:58)

Yeah, Right.

Sean Hayes (45:59)

I love that.

Chelsea Handler (46:00)

You know whose acting I love, Who I texted him about his acting is Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was. I was first. First of all, I was on a panel with Laura Linney for a GOOP panel where Gwyneth. And in New York City, this was like three or four years ago, and it was Laura Linney, Drew Barrymore, and a couple other girls, and they were talking about parenting. And, you know, we all had microphones in our hand, and Laura Linney told the story about how difficult she. What a difficult time she had getting pregnant and that she.

Sean Hayes (46:31)

I thought you were gonna say difficult time working with Jason, but. Yeah, keep going.

Chelsea Handler (46:34)

Yeah, that too. She mentioned that, too. And that was. Why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason, is. What did she say?

Will Arnett (46:40)

It was difficult explaining what a GOOP panel was to people in the street or. No, that was easy.

Chelsea Handler (46:45)

Yeah, yeah, she mentioned that, too. Yeah. And. But she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long, and then I finally gave birth when I was 50, and I went into the microphone, like, loudly, and Laura Linney looked at me, and I just went, congratulations. I'm sorry. I just. That is so disgusting to me. But back to Laura and Jason on Screen, I have to say, is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason.

Sean Hayes (47:14)

Ditto here.

Chelsea Handler (47:14)

Love it, Love it.

Jason Bateman (47:15)

Nice lady. Thank you.

Will Arnett (47:17)

He's very, very good, isn't he? We give him a lot of shit, but we love him. He's so good. I love what he does.

Chelsea Handler (47:22)

Very charismatic, Jason.

Will Arnett (47:24)

Always very, very on screen. Very charismatic on screen. Very on screen. Definitely on screen. No, but in person, it's a surprising dud.

Jason Bateman (47:32)

It's pretty.

Will Arnett (47:33)

It's.

Jason Bateman (47:33)

It's pretty quiet. Yeah, there's a lot of hate.

Will Arnett (47:36)

Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted and this is the last thing you wanted to do today, but thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious.

Jason Bateman (47:42)

Cool of you to say.

Will Arnett (47:43)

Yes, such a original and original voice and, and, and where you think that you're at. Cunt. We think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you.

Chelsea Handler (47:53)

Thank you guys. So much fun to see you all.

Jason Bateman (47:55)

Thank you, Chelsea, very much. Great to see you. Have a great rest of the. Sean.

Chelsea Handler (47:58)

Even you, Sean. Way to go, girl.

Jason Bateman (48:01)

Bye, Chels.

Chelsea Handler (48:02)

Bye.

Jason Bateman (48:04)

Hello, friends.

Will Arnett (48:05)

Yeah.

Jason Bateman (48:06)

Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen.

Sean Hayes (48:08)

Yeah. So funny.

Will Arnett (48:10)

Chelsea's so funny.

Sean Hayes (48:11)

Boy, she makes me laugh.

Will Arnett (48:13)

I know. She makes me laugh too. She always does. She always fearless. She's super funny.

Sean Hayes (48:17)

She's.

Jason Bateman (48:17)

She wakes me up. She's very consistent. Always has. She is lots of energy and ready to go.

Will Arnett (48:24)

Even in casual conversation, you feel like I gotta be on my toes because she will burn me. She'll correct me. She corrected you, Sean. She's corrected me before on stuff.

Sean Hayes (48:31)

And you're like, hey, man, I love it.

Will Arnett (48:33)

If I wanted to be with my mom, I'd go back to Toronto. Like, why are you correcting me?

Jason Bateman (48:37)

But. But if you have any. If you have. If you like to. If you like to sling, you're in the wrong room with her.

Sean Hayes (48:44)

I know. She's quick.

Jason Bateman (48:45)

Yeah, I do like that about her. It's pretty refreshing. You don't have to worry about talking about the weather because it's just. That's not going to cut it with her.

Will Arnett (48:52)

Yeah.

Jason Bateman (48:53)

Yeah. I love it. A better show is great. Great too.

Will Arnett (48:57)

Of course it is.

Sean Hayes (48:59)

Every incarnation of talk shows.

Will Arnett (49:01)

She's so fucking funny and. Yeah. And she does. I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say. Like she'll. Ann says it in a way. She's always surprising. That's the thing. It is for me is it's always surprising what she says, like, catches me off guard. Really funny, you know, really just. She says things so succinctly. Much unlike what I'm doing right now, but she's.

Jason Bateman (49:23)

Nice job.

Will Arnett (49:24)

Who's. Who's thinking of the b. Who's thinking of the buy right now?

Sean Hayes (49:27)

I am right now. But I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with by.

Jason Bateman (49:30)

Oh. Now, see, I was more interested in just connecting with you guys. I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up.

Will Arnett (49:36)

No. You know why I brought up? Because I could see the look on Sean's face. It Looked like he'd been lobotomized.

Jason Bateman (49:40)

Well, he was writing. He's been writing for like 30 seconds, trying to figure out things. That wrong stuff. That's what he does.

Will Arnett (49:46)

You were talking, he was like. He's just trying to think of like.

Jason Bateman (49:50)

Almost like he's got like an over by.

Will Arnett (49:53)

No, no, no.

Sean Hayes (49:54)

I had.

Will Arnett (49:55)

Here it comes.

Sean Hayes (49:55)

I had eyes. Open eyes.

Jason Bateman (50:00)

What?

Will Arnett (50:01)

I don't think we're going to allow. Are you saying open eyes?

Sean Hayes (50:03)

Here's what's funny. Anytime I try to do it, I get shot down.

Jason Bateman (50:08)

And you always go real high. I don't know why. Why does it look high for you?

Sean Hayes (50:11)

I'll go down here. Highs.

Will Arnett (50:13)

I don't know what the word you're saying is. And also because you.

Jason Bateman (50:17)

Here comes Will's try. Will's going to try right now. Here he comes.

Will Arnett (50:19)

I'm not trying. What I'm saying is, Sean, Will, sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in. Yeah, right. You know what I mean?

Jason Bateman (50:26)

Yeah.

Will Arnett (50:27)

And. And.

Jason Bateman (50:28)

And it just doesn't qualify. It doesn't qualify.

Will Arnett (50:31)

Yeah, it just doesn't.

Jason Bateman (50:32)

We're gonna sit here till we get one. I don't know. How did we back into this, by the way? Should we run the tapes back? When did this all start? Was it on the first episode?

Sean Hayes (50:39)

The very first one, yeah.

Jason Bateman (50:40)

What did we just do? A simple buy.

Will Arnett (50:42)

Well, we could do. We could do it once. Yeah, we could do a simple buy. Or we could. Could just agree to do it once a year. Or we could even do it biannually.

Sean Hayes (50:53)

We've used that one.

Will Arnett (50:54)

Why have we used that already?

Jason Bateman (50:56)

Annually. That doesn't even count.

Sean Hayes (50:57)

We've used every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes or just say bye.

Jason Bateman (51:01)

How about we just. Listener, we appreciate your time.

Sean Hayes (51:04)

Yeah, we do.

Jason Bateman (51:05)

Or, Will, why don't you give them. Well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, Arnett. Once you get a new goodbye line for our. For our guests, by the way. Okay? I got notes for you.

Will Arnett (51:15)

What are you talking.

Jason Bateman (51:16)

We've taken too much of your time. Shut up.

Will Arnett (51:18)

I don't.

Jason Bateman (51:19)

How about. How about it's an hour and we're done?

Sean Hayes (51:22)

Yeah, we're done.

Jason Bateman (51:22)

So thank you for your answers.

Will Arnett (51:23)

Who do I say that to? What I. You mean I say that to the guest?

Jason Bateman (51:26)

I'm just as bad. I say. Oh, gosh.

Will Arnett (51:29)

Oh, my gosh. What do you got? Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them? Shut the up.

Jason Bateman (51:34)

All right.

Will Arnett (51:35)

If we're going to get into this.

Jason Bateman (51:36)

And you two. Chuckles yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next.

Will Arnett (51:40)

Next, Sean.

OnDeck Advertiser (51:41)

Both of you.

Sean Hayes (51:42)

How's that for low, not high?

Jason Bateman (51:45)

It's almost like he was about to.

Chelsea Handler (51:47)

Bite our head off.

Will Arnett (51:50)

Oh, my God. The was that smart? Nice smart smart. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant, Terry, Rob Armjarv and.

Capella University Advertiser (52:19)

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