Ronald Young Jr. (4:36)

Wait for it is a show about the way we feel about our bodies. Consequently, each episode may include references to gaining and losing weight, eating disorders, weight loss, surgery, and weight stigma. If these topics are triggering to you, please take care while listening. We have links to support resources for anyone who may need them in our show notes. Wait for It.

Peggy Lee Young (5:03)

And the winner is. Wait for it.

Ronald Young Jr. (5:14)

It's Tuesday, March 26, 2024, and I'm in LA giving an acceptance speech at the podcast Academy Awards. This I recall to my mind. Therefore I have hope. It is because of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They're new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness. I want to say thank you to my family. My parents, Ronald Sr. My mother, Peggy Lee. My sister, Marilyn Denise Bridget Quinn. It's been an incredible year for Wait For It. Giving this speech was one of the culminating moments. And the winner is. Wait for It. And because the show won awards in three different categories, it would be one of three 30 second speeches I'll give. Anybody who independently produces understands that you spend so much of your time like by yourself. You know what I mean? Like, you're writing and you're editing and you're cutting tape and you're doing all that. And then you have to wonder like, is this good? Is this good? Are people even gonna like it? But I guess I don't have to wonder anymore. I'm excited, I'm proud. Thank you. But I'm not exactly having a great time. About an hour before I give that speech, I get word that my mother was admitted to the hospital. She needed to have a procedure called paracentesis. She'd been experiencing some discomfort in her stomach from a condition called ascites, which is a fluid buildup. It's common for folks who have cancer. Late stage cancer. She hasn't been feeling well for a while. Her birthday was March 23, just three days before I give that speech in LA. I feel good about leaving because she seemed great on her birthday. On that day, me, my sister Marilyn and my dad were all at the house with her. We made brunch together, watched movies, and we laughed and laughed like we normally do. When my family gets together, there's often a lot of gentle teasing of one another as we share stories that some of us may have missed. It's always done with love and smiles. Like one time my mother was Telling me about my father's tendency to be early to the farmer's market. I'm standing on the side of the.

Marilyn Denise Young (7:36)

Road at 7:25 in the morning wondering how did I get out here?

Ronald Young Jr. (7:42)

You're probably wondering how I got here, right?

Marilyn Denise Young (7:45)

Oh, then this guy, he goes and puts the money in the machine for three hours.

Ronald Young Jr. (7:51)

The in the parking meter.

Marilyn Denise Young (7:53)

In the parking, parking meter. Three hours. I'm like what we going to look.

Ronald Young Jr. (8:02)

Right?

Marilyn Denise Young (8:03)

You laugh it up. You chuckle it up over there Mr. Cuz we still didn't get the sand.

Glenn Washington (8:08)

Now you know you got to get out early.

Ronald Young Jr. (8:09)

You couldn't even get.

Peggy Lee Young (8:13)

Your safety, the.

Ronald Young Jr. (8:14)

Safety of those around. I get back from LA on Friday, March 29th. By then my mother was checked out of the hospital and back home. I immediately went to my parents house to see her. She seemed fine and like herself for the most part. We were talking in her office. It used to be my childhood bedroom. I spent a lot of time in this room. Now so has she. Praying, studying the Bible, talking to us on the phone and FaceTime, sewing, watching her shows, sitting and thinking. I asked her about what the oncologist said about her ascites. She mentioned a few things he'd said but struggled to recall the specifics of what he told her. But she had an appointment the following week and I told her I'd be joining her and dad this time. Then my dad walks in and asks how the award ceremony went. We talk about that for a while and laugh some more. They seem proud of me. That feels good. I hug them and kiss my mom on the cheek and leave. On Sunday evening I get a text from my sister who mentions that she needs to talk to me about Mom. She's worried. I'm worried. I call her and she tells me that mom is having gaps in her memory. She doesn't remember going to church that day. She doesn't remember the last few months. She doesn't remember that her mother died. She doesn't remember that she has cancer. I realized that her struggle to recall the details of her oncology appointment wasn't a coincidence. I'm stunned. I'm scared. I don't know what to say or do. I eventually rally and go to the house and help look after mom for the next few days. I explain to her repeatedly that we're not sure what's happening in her brain but she'll be okay. She doesn't remember exactly what's going on because she can't retain anything. But she knows that something is wrong and she keeps Asking us, what's wrong with me? Am I okay? Why does my head hurt so bad? We take her to the hospital on Wednesday, April 3, and we find out that she had a stroke. She actually had multiple strokes, infarctions in the brain. The Young family was now on high alert. I dropped everything to be by her side as much as I could, alternating and working with Marilyn and my dad. We're all hyper vigilant. We are a family of faith. We trust God to heal my mom. But what we didn't know then was that March 26th was the beginning of the end game. My mother was going to die. I'm Ronald Young Jr. And this is. Wait for it.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:10)

Hello?

Peggy Lee Young (11:12)

Waiting.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:13)

Oh, it's Big Ron Studios.

Ronald Young Jr. (11:15)

Wait for it.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:16)

Hello?

Ronald Young Jr. (11:21)

Wait for it.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:22)

Hello, it's Peggy Le.

Ronald Young Jr. (11:30)

Wait for it.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:32)

I noticed it in, like, late November, early December of last year.

Ronald Young Jr. (11:39)

Yeah, I remember the same. It was about December 2023, right?

Marilyn Denise Young (11:42)

Yes.

Ronald Young Jr. (11:43)

Yeah, I saw mom. She walked downstairs, she looked at me, and I remember she stood there, she's like, hey, Ronald. And I was like, hey. And I gave her a hug and I was like, scared. That's me talking to my sister.

Marilyn Denise Young (11:53)

My name is Marilyn Denise Young. I am your sister, your older sister.

Ronald Young Jr. (11:57)

December 2023 was when we first noticed that my mother had lost a significant amount of weight. Marilyn and I were talking about how we felt when we saw her.

Marilyn Denise Young (12:06)

My first thought was, relax, Marilyn, because I tend to go way too far down the road. And it was startling to me because it felt like it was happening way too quickly. I thought, oh, God, you know, what is this? You know, Immediately I was scared. I was very scared.

Ronald Young Jr. (12:30)

Seeing my mother made me think about Chadwick Boseman. Do you remember when Chadwick Boseman lost a lot of weight?

Marilyn Denise Young (12:35)

Yes. I remember seeing him and thought, wow, he's really slim. When he was in that nice white, kingly looking outfit at the Oscars or something, one of those. And I remember thinking, he looks really nice. He seems thin.

Ronald Young Jr. (12:48)

Chadwick Boseman, the actor who played T'Challa or the Black Panther as a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. He also played the roles of important black historical figures. Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall and James Brown. He was beloved in the black community. And personally, I'd become a huge fan of his career.

Marilyn Denise Young (13:10)

And it's crazy because I did not see a lot of him before he passed away.

Ronald Young Jr. (13:17)

Chadwick Boseman died of colon cancer in 2020. His death was a shock to many of us. Most people didn't know he was sick until after he died. He kept it very private and we misread the signs. There were discussions and even some headlines about the state of his body. He'd done a live stream for charity, and a bunch of commenters were all talking about the fact that he too skinny. Only a few commenters expressed actual worry or concern. It was more about the aesthetic. For a long time, it was impressed upon me that losing weight was always a good thing. I'm used to thinking about my own weight, but noticing my mother's weight, especially in this way, was new. If you're straight sized and have never been fat, it seems that you have a threshold for weight loss. You can read the limits of the threshold in people's faces and words. You haven't reached it as long as you're getting compliments and encouragement. Typically, we don't get looks of concern or worry when we're losing weight unless we've exceeded that threshold. My mother had exceeded the threshold at other times in her life. I think she would have been happy to lose weight, would have loved to get compliments and congratulations. She was, like, as athletic as she could be. You know what I mean? And I feel like that was like she was. I think because mom looked at herself in the mirror sometimes and was like, my face is chubby. Or like, probably the same ways that you think about yourself. You know what I mean? And then when it got to the point where she wasn't eating or drinking, that's when we like. It was just like, yo, we can't even. What are we doing here? You know what I mean? But now my mother was also concerned about her weight loss and was struggling with her appetite. Recently, I found a video on her phone where she reached out to a friend of hers who had beaten cancer for advice. Hi, Carolyn.

Marilyn Denise Young (15:16)

I think we're playing FaceTime tag. Anyways, I just had a question. When did you get your appetite back? Yeah, because I'm having difficulty with that. All right then.

Ronald Young Jr. (15:38)

Bye.

Marilyn Denise Young (15:38)

Bye.

Ronald Young Jr. (15:42)

Most times I've seen my mother worried it was on our behalf, my father, my sister, or me. But in this video, I saw something in my mother that I recognized as I'd begun to see it frequently in the months leading up to her death. She was worried and afraid of what was happening to her. I don't know that Marilyn or I will ever be able to see a person lose weight and not think the worst ever again.

Marilyn Denise Young (16:10)

I don't associate it with anything good. I think it's something horrible has happened. They're stressed. Even while we were going through it dad lost a lot of weight and it was frightening.

Ronald Young Jr. (16:22)

I don't remember a specific moment when I noticed my dad's weight loss. When you get older, the less time you spend around your parents, the less time you spend examining them. But I do remember the first salient thought I had about my dad's suddenly lean frame. And it was, how could our bodies be so different? The second thought was, was he always this small? The physical differences between me and my dad are a deep source of insecurity for me. For a while it was just height based. He stands at six feet tall and I'm five foot nine. But as I gained weight as an adult, I noted that he's much leaner than I am. My dad is former military and goes to the gym every day. He's a fit person. He has broad shoulders and just looks like the type of person that if something went down, he'd be ready to go. Some of that is also in his personality. Former drill sergeant, longtime preacher and assistant pastor at my church. My dad is reliable and ready to support the people that he loves physically. He's just always looked like a solid person you can depend on. But when my mom got sick, my dad got very stressed. With my mom's illness came the awareness of her mortality. Being there more meant that I began to examine my father more closely as well. I was worried about both of them.

Marilyn Denise Young (17:46)

And it wasn't always Dad's weight. It was the, you know, when somebody says they looked haggard, dad looked haggard in his face, you know, and that was frightening for us.

Ronald Young Jr. (18:00)

During this time, I didn't lose weight, I gained weight because unlike my father, I'm a stress eater. It's something I learned about myself because of something else that happened that involved my mother. 9 11. Yes, the actual 9 11. At the time, my mother was working at the Pentagon. I was in leadership class when Cory McConnell ran by the door and said they just flew planes into the Pentagon and World Trade Center. I ran to the band hallway where there was a phone and called my mom. She immediately answered and she said she was fine. She was answering phones and being. She like, basically got staffed up for a temporary work detail while she was there because she didn't run and everybody else ran, which was wild. They sent us home. I went home and it was like, you know, you get out of high school, like 2:00. So it's 2:00pm, I'm home, news is on. And I remember the weekend before that, mom had gone to Costco and she came home and she said, hey, Ronald, I got you these chicken enchiladas. That way if you get hungry when you get off of school, you can eat some of these chicken enchiladas throughout the week. And I said, oh, thanks, Mom. I was like, great. She bought those chicken enchiladas on Saturday. 911 was on Tuesday.

Marilyn Denise Young (19:07)

It was.

Ronald Young Jr. (19:08)

It was on a Tuesday, so I hadn't touched those chicken enchiladas on Monday. On Tuesday, I get home and I'm like. I walk in the house and I'm crazy hungry. So I'm like, I eat some chicken enchiladas and then the phone starts ringing off the hook and I'm working. You called too, because you were in Norfolk State.

Marilyn Denise Young (19:22)

Yes.

Ronald Young Jr. (19:23)

People from church, everybody around just being like, is mom okay? Is mom okay? And I'm getting worried and worried. Two things happened. One, I ate some chicken enchiladas. I'd answer the phone and then someone would call again. I'd eat some more chicken enchiladas. And then someone called again. I ate some more chicken enchiladas. They were gone. And then I passed out on a nap for like 2 hours, 2, 3 hours till dad came home. Hey, boy. I'm like, okay, dad. So. And the mom didn't end up coming home till 8:00. And I'm like, everybody's chill. You know what I mean? Like, we good. And I think that's when I first realized that I was a stress eater.

Peggy Lee Young (19:56)

Wow.

Ronald Young Jr. (19:57)

So during this entire process. And dad acknowledged it at one point too. Cause I, like, what happens is I won't eat for a while, like. Cause I'm stressed. And then I'll have a little bit of relief. And then I'll just eat everything.

Marilyn Denise Young (20:12)

Anything in sight. I agree.

Ronald Young Jr. (20:14)

Yes. Marilyn understood because she too is a stress eater.

Marilyn Denise Young (20:18)

Mid 20s, relationships with some guy didn't work out. Thought he was doing something he had had no business. Let me eat this entire pizza, you know, that type of thing. Or just sit watching tv, stressed, eating all the snacks in the house. Which is why I don't keep snacks in the house now, which is crazy because I love snacks.

Ronald Young Jr. (20:39)

I think I realized when I knew that you were a stress eater. We were dropping you off at Norfolk State University and you were going to be. We had dropped you off, we had brought all this food for you, and you had your sheets and stuff. You were setting up the room while we were there. Something had happened. I don't remember what it was. And you got. You were like, oh, man. He got upset. And you go, where are those Oreos at the moment. And this was like. And I remember dad was like, you don't need to be eating all those Oreos. He's like, when you get hungry, read the Bible.

Marilyn Denise Young (21:11)

I think I remember that.

Ronald Young Jr. (21:15)

Marilyn and I were built differently than my dad. So during our mom's decline in health, while our dad is losing weight and looking haggard, Marilyn and I were gaining weight and probably still looking haggard. And despite this chaotic moment of crisis, with obviously bigger fish to fry, both of us desired to be more like my father. Inconsequential of ways people are going through.

Marilyn Denise Young (21:40)

Stuff every day, hard stuff, and it affects you whether you like it or not. Dad tends to lose weight, which I would love to have that. Thank you. But no, I don't have that. I have the gain.

Ronald Young Jr. (21:50)

So, I mean, why would you love to have that?

Marilyn Denise Young (21:53)

I would rather be smaller than I am. But it's not a healthy thing at all. Because, like, we were frightened for dad if I was to. Because I unfortunately stress a lot less than I used to. But I tend to get stressed. And, you know, I say I want that because I would look cute in my clothes, but you would still be stressed.

Ronald Young Jr. (22:21)

I think that's one thing hits me. I think the same thing. Like, I'm like, man, it must be a gift to lose weight when you are stressed. I hate that this is a real thought that we have. We're losing our mother. And both Marilyn and I agree that it would be easier if we were also losing weight. And in the middle of this crisis, my thoughts on weight have gone into overdrive. I'm noticing weight all around me now more than ever. My mom's, my dads, the doctors and nurses, other visitors, everyone. I'm wondering how they handle stress. I'm wondering what they think of me. And this isn't just in my head. I'm still getting validation from folks all around me that despite being in grief, me being fat is still up for discussion. As I'm spending more time at church recently, I'm hearing the comments from folks who haven't seen me there in a while about how I look. I didn't recognize you because you gained so much weight. You're not running any marathons this year, huh?

Glenn Washington (23:25)

I used to have a gut like you, but I lost 30 pounds.

Ronald Young Jr. (23:30)

After my mom died, my father, sister and I went to the funeral home to plan the homegoing service arrangements. I remembered sitting there in a state of shock that we were doing this. It was surreal. But even in that moment, weight came up. One guy in an effort to be congenial with. My dad pointed out that he's in good shape as a 70 year old man. He then says, I'm always wondering how elder Young keeps the weight off. Apparently my dad is still within the compliment and congratulations threshold of weight loss. As we continued looking at caskets, I noticed that there was an additional cost for bigger caskets for folks over a certain weight, which I exceeded. That same weight limit existed for cremation. I thought to myself, whoever has to dispose of my body is going to have to pay extra. I don't want to notice anyone's weight, and the way I try to offset the noticing is by making sure I never talk about it. I try not to engage in weight conversations outside of the discussions of this podcast, of course, but not talking about it isn't making me more liberated. It doesn't stop the noticing. Some of this is the byproduct of my instinctual urge to want to know if I'm the fattest person in a given room. This is similar to the way that I count black people in rooms that are largely white. There's a pecking order with race and weight, and in real time I find myself looking for allies and sympathizers. But I don't really understand why I couldn't turn this part of my brain off when my mom was dying in front of me.

Glenn Washington (25:14)

More from Ron when we return. Stay tuned. Snap Judgment is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. Today's episode is sponsored by acorns. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing so your money has a chance to grow for you, your kids and your retirement. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you invest with the spare money you've got right now. You can start with $5 or even just your spare change. You don't need a ton of time. You can create your Acorns account and start investing in just five minutes. Basically, Acorns does the hard part so it can give your money a chance to grow. For me, Acorns has helped me put part of my future planning on autopilot. Head to acorns.com snap or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Paid client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier 1 compensation provided investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures@acorns.com snap welcome back to Snap Judgment. Today we're featuring. Wait for it. Let's get right back into it with Ron.

Marilyn Denise Young (27:10)

Typically, depending on what the decision is or what choice you're getting ready to make, I will hold my peace and wait until you come and ask me. Now, some stuff you know, we can't say anything about. We want to say something. But what we've learned also is that if, and I'm probably giving away all my secrets right now, go for it.

Ronald Young Jr. (27:29)

Hey, we're adults. We're all adults here. That's my mom talking with me on the very first episode of my very first podcast, Time well Spent. She's talking about her strategy for advising us when it came to making big decisions.

Marilyn Denise Young (27:43)

We would say, well, you could do it this way or you can do that, but you know, the choice is ultimately yours. And then we would say, well, you know what you're doing. We really meant. We really hoped you did.

Peggy Lee Young (27:53)

We did know what you were doing.

Ronald Young Jr. (27:54)

We did hope that My mom was very intentional in her parenting style. She was always available when we needed her. She could always tell when we were stressed out. My mother could see when I was upset to the tiniest degree. She could read at 100 yards. If I wasn't well, she would sense it even if she hadn't seen me recently. She would call and ask, are you well? And typically those calls only happened when she had sensed correctly that I was not. Sometimes she would use our bodies as a barometer for the state of our minds. I told Marilyn a story about the time mom had a good read on me at my college graduation. So when mom came to graduation and she saw me and she remember. I remember she mentioned this. She was like, are you good? You okay? And I remember I was like, I was not okay. I was stressed out from work, all that stuff. And I had, like, put on a lot of weight at that moment. And like, she could tell, like, my face was puffy, whatever. But I remember mom noticing and being immediately identifying that the problem was not the weight, but the weight was indicative of something else. And she didn't moralize the weight. She was like, you are stressed. You will be okay. Which is fine. You know what I mean?

Marilyn Denise Young (29:09)

It was amazing that way.

Ronald Young Jr. (29:10)

Yeah. Yeah, agreed. Yeah. Marilyn and I both had stories like this about mom, where she looked at our physical state and identified something else was going on. Ironically, it was also at Marilyn's college graduation.

Marilyn Denise Young (29:24)

When I graduated, my hair was crazy. I let my friends perm my hair. It looked all wild. And she saw me. And you guys were there, and I really was happy to see you. But I think there was a bit of manic craziness behind it.

Ronald Young Jr. (29:36)

Definitely crazed, I remember.

Marilyn Denise Young (29:37)

And it was stress. It was stress and Mom. Mom knew it right away. And mom had a good way of getting, you know, we're not sainthooding Mom. She was definitely human. But she was good about that, about finding that it wasn't a moral issue.

Ronald Young Jr. (29:54)

I know weight isn't a moral issue. I know it isn't. I also know that a person's body isn't always directly related to their trauma or that how anyone looks should be automatically assumed to be symptomatic of anything else. Sometimes my mom noticed my weight in a way that I hated. She used to rub my stomach when I saw her and say, hoo, boy, what you been eating? She would always say it while smiling and laughing. That gentle teasing. I knew she didn't mean no harm, but it always made me feel self conscious. And I wished I could shrink myself sometimes with all the negative feedback I get from the world about being fat. My mother rubbing my stomach and reminding me I'm fat didn't feel like love. It felt like ridicule. But I know that my mom loved me.

Marilyn Denise Young (30:46)

Mom just loved you. She just loved us. It didn't matter. She just loved us. And that was. That was good. You knew that. We knew that she loved us. We didn't have to question it. We knew it.

Ronald Young Jr. (31:02)

I fundamentally know that this is true. When my mom got sick, sometimes I would sit next to the bed and hold her hand. I would kiss her head and. And rub her legs and feet. Towards the end, my mom would go in and out of delirium. Sometimes she'd be with us and sometimes she wasn't.

Marilyn Denise Young (31:22)

I feel like it was hard at the end. It seemed like she was just going through so much that we weren't a part of. We were there for her. So whenever she had lucid moments and was able to recognize us, we were there. And I think she was glad to see us, but it was just hard. And I wish that it wasn't so hard for her.

Ronald Young Jr. (31:48)

I know it was hard for her. It was hard to watch her suffer. Sometimes I would stand next to the bed and cry quietly. Sometimes I wouldn't be crying, but I'd be visibly upset. I couldn't hide it. I just wanted her to be healed. When she saw that I was upset, sometimes she would reach out and rub my stomach. She was dying, but she was still being my mom. She wanted me to be okay. I knew it wasn't to make me feel bad about being fat. I knew it was because she loved me and she wanted me to feel better. Those belly rubs on her deathbed unraveled my feelings of self consciousness. I no longer felt like I needed to shrink myself. I didn't feel ridiculed. I felt loved. And I wish I could say I'm now liberated. I wish I could say that epiphany rang deep into my soul and changed the way that I view myself and the way others view me. But it didn't. I am still thinking about being fat. I'm still noticing the weight. My mother is gone and I'm left here with my sorrow.

Marilyn Denise Young (33:19)

We're kind of proud of you now. You've come a long way and we really appreciate both of you. We see where we have grown and we also see where you have grown.

Glenn Washington (33:26)

Absolutely.

Ronald Young Jr. (33:27)

We see well and we have grown proud of you.

Marilyn Denise Young (33:30)

Yes, Amy, thank you.

Peggy Lee Young (33:33)

All right, love you.

Marilyn Denise Young (33:34)

All right, Marilyn. All right, bye bye.

Glenn Washington (33:36)

All right.

Marilyn Denise Young (33:40)

So we have to do the music.

Ronald Young Jr. (33:47)

Wait for it is a production of oh it's Big Ron Studios and is a proud member of Radiotopia from prx, a network of independent, creator owned listener supported podcasts. Discover Audio with vision at Radiotopia fm. This episode was produced and written by me, Ronald Young Jr. Our story editor is Sarah Deeley. Sound design and mixing from the Reverend John DeLore of Starlight Diner. Show art by Heather Wilder. Episode art by Andy J. Pizza theme music from J Red with additional music from Mass Potential, the artist DT and the mysterious Breakmaster Cylinder. Special thanks to my sister Marilyn Denise Young, my father, Ronald Young Sr. Our dear friend Carolyn Perry and of course to my mother, the late and always great forever loved Peggy Lee Young. You can follow me on Instagram, threads and TikTok. Its Bigron that's H I t S B I G R o n. You can find out more about this show and other OT Big Ron studio shows by following us on Instagram. It's Bigron Studios. If you have a story about Wait you'd like to share with us, shoot us an email@waitowitzbigron.com that's W E I G H T@otigron.com wait for it.

Glenn Washington (35:24)

Thank you, thank you. Thank you Ronald Young Jr. And Big Love to you and your entire family for sharing this with snap. The entirety of Wait for Season two is now available everywhere you get your podcast, including episodes about air travel and the origin of the acronym bbw. Follow Ronald on IG on threads and blueskyron can hear more from Ron talking about television and film on his podcast, leaving the Theater and Pop Culture Debate Club, Illuminata and the BBC. Now, after the break, an entirely different body obsession when Snap Judgment continues. Stay tuned. Welcome back to Snap Judgment. For our next story, go to snap's resident youngin an adultish podcast host, Nigel Turner, tells a story about how he discovered his own truth. Just a heads up, Nige's Truth involves a little bit of Nyjah's adult language. NJ.

Peggy Lee Young (36:45)

My Auntie Tanya always says that whenever she pulls up at the house, she could count on seeing little me out on the front lawn naked and watering the grass. There's my naked baby, is what she yells out to me to this day. Sometimes even in our place of worship. But when I was 12, I don't know, I kind of stopped with the whole free body stuff. One day I'm taking off my shirt to hop in the shower when I notice a small lump behind my left nipple. This lump most definitely wasn't there yesterday, so I use my index and thumb and give it a quick assessment. Underneath my skin, I feel something the size of one of those Cap'n Crunch Crunch berries and it's as hard as a rock. I give it a quick squeeze and I immediately burst out into tears. It's cancer, I tell my mom, who immediately takes me to the doctor, who says, well, for starters, take a sigh of relief. It's not cancer. Well, what is it? My mom says. I'm still holding my breath. It's a condition called gynecomastia. Gyneco what? It's actually pretty common. 70% of boys develop extra breast tissue when they're going through puberty. What? And so it might look like they have the beginnings of female breasts. Female what? Oh, my mom says. But I'm like, what? Why is everyone being so calm about this? Don't worry, son. It should go away by the time you're about 22. 22? I'm gonna be old and married with kids by 22. What the doc doesn't mention is that the lump will also duplicate itself behind my right nipple, and that the lumps are going to get bigger and more noticeable, like the size of golf balls, which will stand Out. Especially if you're a skinny kid like I am. So I begin wearing baggier shirts even though tight tees are in. And not only that, I only wear shirts with huge logos on the front so you can't see the shape of my chest. But by the time that I start talking to girls, I take it to a new level every time before I leave my house, I tear a long silver strip of duct tape and wrap it around my entire chest and back like a sports bra. Still, I always feel like people just know I confide in my dad and my older brother. They're actually concerned at first, but once they hear that it'll eventually go away. The condition becomes a huge running joke. Come on man. Run faster, man. At first I laughed with them because honestly, it was a hilarious nickname. No lie. But after a while, it gets old. It becomes painful and it tears my self confidence to pieces. The only way I get through it is by repeating to myself over and over. This is temporary only until I'm 22. Even with the duct tape, I begin to hunch my back and try to hide my chest in public or whenever family or friends come over. But still, my dad calls me over. Hey Nig, come downstairs. Your uncle is here. Say hi. Hi uncle. Alright, now take your shirt off and show him. I feel like a circus freak. The Amazing man only until I'm 22. Nah, forget that. I gotta do something first. Over many weeks and months, I try to massage the lumps into smaller pieces, but that doesn't work. Then I start working out six days a week, two hours of cardio in the morning and weights at night. I followed the strictest diet plan of chicken and fish and brown rice and whatever vegetable of the day, hoping that my chest would fill out and no one would notice. Eventually, I'm in the best shape of my life and the lumps are actually a little less noticeable. But I still hate my body. So as a last resort, I go to my dad's toolbox. I take out the heavy duty pliers and I carefully position the jaw around the hard tissue. 3, 2, 1. Then I squeeze the pliers as hard as I can. I immediately hit the floor, crying. Once I wipe my tears, I check my chest. The lumps are still intact. I give up. This is how it's gonna be until I'm 22. I guess. So I get comfortable never going swimming anymore, even though I love to swim. I become that cool kid at all the pool parties who just shows up with his best fit. Like I'm too good to be splashing around in the pool, even in suits. I would just never take my jacket off, no matter how hot it would be. I built a whole Persona around hiding my body. And it works. In high school, I'm on the basketball team, so when I have to change into my uniform, I rush to the locker room early and change in the stall. Once I hear my teammates making fun of another player who also has, well, you know what they call it. I'm surprised to learn one of my friends around my age has gynecomastia. He's never mentioned it to me and I've never, you know, done a close chest examination. I only find out because I hear some of my friends gossiping about his man boobs. Apparently one hot day they all hung out and he took his shirt off and they all just see it just like that. It was never a thing. Though he continued to take his shirt off despite jokes or snickering. I really want to be like him, but I can't. Girlfriends is where it gets real tricky. Before I can even get close to a girl, I know I have to admit my darkest secret. So I always do this over the phone and just be honest. And surprisingly, that conversation always goes pretty well. Turns out they don't really care. Or that's what I want to believe. In my mind, I wonder if they don't think it's a big deal because I usually lead with my humor and personality before I reveal my secret. But I don't know. Everyone has something, right? But behind closed doors, I start to fantasize about the future. You know, once I turn 22 and I become an adult, the lumps will just pack their bags and go. Then I could post a picture with my wife on the beach on our honeymoon, I could swim at pool parties. What if on a daily jog around my block, I can just take my shirt off like I see all my friends do, without even a second thought when it gets too hot. I don't celebrate birthdays, but I'm excited about turning 22. But when the day comes, when I turn the age I had been waiting and praying for, to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. The age where I finally am supposed to start loving myself. The lumps are still there. There is one more option. It's something I never thought I would do. It's expensive and it's problematic. I've been working part time, saving all my money for a Jeep wrangler. But I won't be able to get that Jeep. If I do this plastic surgery. I Always watched that show botched with my dad about plastic surgery gone wrong. Plastic surgery always seemed like it was for rich people. Rich white people. Really. Well, really rich white women is something that felt taboo. But I really want my body to look like what I think a man's body is supposed to look like. Like what I see on TV and movies. Like what everybody else looks like. I want that so much. So I took my $10,000 that I had saved for the first time in my whole life. And instead of getting my dream Jeep wrangler, I drive an hour to the best plastic surgeon in Northern California. California. The waiting room is full of middle aged women and me. I'm scribbling down questions to ask my doctor before he puts me under. Basically wanting to make sure that I don't die in here. Honestly, I'm pretty scared. Why didn't I just buy that Jeep? No. Invest in yourself, Nigel. Invest in yourself. After surgery, I wear a compression recovery vest for a couple of weeks. Then finally the day that I've been waiting for. I nervously walk to the bathroom and lock the door. I take off my vest and peel off the bandages around my chest. And then I finally take a look. I feel amazing. I finally love my body. I finally love myself. And I don't know how to really describe it, but I kind of finally feel whole. I start working out again after I heal, looking at myself every day in the mirror, flexing, taking shirtless videos and putting them on Snapchat for the first time in my life. But then I'm looking at a picture of myself, my happy self. And a new kind of self. Hate starts to creep in. Why am I acting like this is some kind of accomplishment?

Ronald Young Jr. (47:31)

It.

Peggy Lee Young (47:34)

I'm smart, I'm not a follower. But I was willing to spend $10,000 to change my body so that I would make more sense to myself when I look in the mirror. That blows my mind. To this day, I get ready to go to a pool party at a friend's house. I'm going to take off my shirt and jump in in front of everybody. I hop into my car, 2006 Honda Accord and roll out. Windows down. And the check engine light comes on again. Sometimes I still wish I could have just got that Jeep.

Glenn Washington (48:22)

Thank you nyj for sharing your story with the Snap family. This piece was brought to you by Adultish. It's a culture advice and storytelling show created by YR Media and Snap Judgment alumnus Davey Kim. It's hosted by 20something know it alls, NYJ Turner and Merk Nguyen, and they recently dropped their fourth season with their friends at Radiotopia by PRX, so be sure to subscribe to adultish and show them some love. The music for this story was composed by Oluwafemi and Davey Kim. Oh, you made it. And if you missed even a moment, no, the Snap Judgment Storytelling Podcast awaits your ears each and every week. Your reviews on Apple Podcasts, on Spotify, on Amazon Music make Snap snap. And know this, you can walk the shadowlands with our evil twin podcast Spooked Stories about the things that go bump in the night. Available wherever you get your podcast. KQED in San Francisco is SNAP's orbiting hall of Justice. Snap is brought to you by the team that knows to eat everything on their plate. Except for the uber producer, Mr. Mark Ristich, who for some reason, after dinner at someone's home, serves himself an enormous second helping and doesn't touch a bite. Now there's Nancy Lopez, Pat Mercede Miller, Anna Sussman, Renzo Goriot, John Facile, Shayna Shealy, Teo Dakot, Flo Wylie, Bo Walsh, Marissa Dodge, David Exime, Regina Bediaco. And this is not the news. No way is this the news. In fact, in the middle of the night, you can wake up, remember a beloved toy from childhood. Immediately buy that toy from ebay, and when it arrives Priority Shipping three days later, discover the exact same piece that's missing from the box as when you were a kid. And you would still not be as far away from the news as this is.

Ronald Young Jr. (50:59)

But this.

Glenn Washington (50:59)

This is prx.