← So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
1744: How to Master Modern Home Economics: Managing Money, Family and Million Dollar Real Estate
00:35:31
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- [00:00]
Farnoosh Turabi
Hey friend, it's Farnush. Would you love to strengthen your finances as we head into the New year? You want to have me in your corner ready to answer your financial questions? I'm thrilled to invite you to join my so Money Members Club for a limited time. You can join for free. Go to somoneymembers.com use the code somoneybf2024 to enjoy your first month free somoneymembers.com and use the code somoneybf 2024 to get your first month absolutely free.
- [00:31]
Lindsay Stanberry
My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for Career Day and said he was a big Rozman. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do.
- [00:50]
Unknown
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- [00:52]
Lindsay Stanberry
Go to LinkedIn.com results to claim your credit.
- [00:55]
Farnoosh Turabi
That's LinkedIn.com results.
- [00:57]
Lindsay Stanberry
Terms and conditions apply.
- [00:59]
Unknown
LinkedIn the place to be to be.
- [01:01]
Farnoosh Turabi
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- [01:49]
Lindsay Stanberry
You're listening to so Money with award.
- [01:51]
Farnoosh Turabi
Winning money guru Farnoosh Turabi. Each day get a 30 minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers and from Farnoosh yourself looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to so Money.
- [02:15]
Lindsay Stanberry
The other thing that I've noticed that I think is just crazy is like we all are relying on so much less childcare than we used to because of the pandemic. Like we're under some assumption that flexible workplaces means that we need less childcare and I don't know. I'm doing it. I'm guilty of it too. And it's driving me crazy.
- [02:34]
Farnoosh Turabi
Welcome to so Money, everybody. I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. Monday, November 4th. It's election eve, and as we sit on the cusp of this pivotal presidential election, our conversation around household dynamics, economic support, and policies that affect working families has never been more relevant. And in today's episode, we're going to dive into these timely issues with Lindsay Stanberry. She's the creator of the Purse. It's a newsletter where she sheds light on the modern landscape of home economics and the financial realities that shape the lives of women in particular. Lindsay is a seasoned journalist and editor known for her thoughtful exploration of personal finance topics. She previously led the work and money section at Refinery 29, where she launched the immensely popular Money Diaries series. She's also worked at prestigious outlets like Fortune and CNBC. And in 2023, she founded the Purse, a newsletter that dives into how money intersects with women's lives, encompassing topics from child care and family budgeting to the emotional load of managing a household. Today we're going to talk about the division of labor within households, the emotional and financial impacts of how tasks are shared among partners or managed by single parents, and details on how one couple earning $800,000 a year afforded a three and a half million dollar Brooklyn townhome. They earn a lot of money, but there is much more to the story and Lindsay's got the scoop. Here's Lindsay Stanberry.
- [04:02]
Unknown
Lindsay Stanberry, welcome back to so Money. I'm thrilled to have you on. You're a smart voice in the personal finance space. I've known you for many years. Our paths intersected at Refinery 29 and then later as you went on to work at Fortune and cnbc. And now you have a new personal entrepreneurial venture called the Purse. I love it. I'm a subscriber. I want people listening to lean in now and learn about this from you. Tell us about the Purse.
- [04:31]
Lindsay Stanberry
Thank you so much. Harness. Yeah, I realized the other day, I think we've known each other for a decade.
- [04:35]
Unknown
Wow.
- [04:36]
Lindsay Stanberry
Crazy. Through all those different adventures. Yeah. I launched the purse in June 2023 and it is a newsletter really about the culture of women and money. So it digs into how money touches our lives in lots of different ways, whether that's childcare or how we talk to our kids about money or I wrote recently about how it seems like everybody's taking very fancy vacation, but not me and I'm jealous. So it's a place where I process my feelings about money, but then I also invite Other voices in to talk about their own feelings about side.
- [05:12]
Unknown
Yes, it's so special because it's not just because your voice is so strong and so important and so relatable, but you bring in, as you say, a lot of other voices, including experts and everyday parents and women. It's deeply reported. Not surprising you're a journalist. Tell me about how you ultimately decided to do this, like the why behind it. I think part of it may have been just burnout from working in all these different media rooms, but to some extent it's such a creative endeavor. It. I don't know if it could have existed in a standard traditional news environment or media company.
- [05:51]
Lindsay Stanberry
So you and I connected when I was at Refinery 29, and while I was there, I ran the Work in Money section and I ran a series called Money Diaries. It was very popular. And that really was the thing that inspired me, inspired my passion for talking to real people about their finances. And I had the opportunity as a journalist to interview a lot of famous people over the years. But I really like at the heart of it, I love talking to real women about their experiences with money. And I worked in several big newsrooms, but always had this sort of idea that, like, I wanted something that, like, didn't exist. I wanted, like a place where women could go and talk about money. And it feel like community, but also educational, but also juicy and fun. And I think that you're right. I'm not sure that it could have really existed, at least not at a place like CNBC and Fortune, which are wonderful publications that have a lot of value, but just like a different audience and a different tone and a different sense of things. And so it was definitely a little bit of burnout and it was a little bit of desire to just try it in a lot of ways, inspired by people like you, who have built such amazing independent careers. But also in some ways, it's never been more affordable to stand up your own media platform.
- [07:08]
Unknown
Let's get into it. You focus on sort of these pillars within the substack. One is home economics, where you get into sort of the math of how households, whatever the dynamic is, how they're operating, in some cases, like how they purchased a multimillion dollar townhome in Brooklyn. I love that one. We're going to get into that couple. But also the division of labor. Let's just talk about the division of labor for a second here because I think, like now our two candidates have very different views on division of labor and how as a country we can support households around this idea of care, whether it's childcare, elder care, self care. This feels very modern. And I think going back to what I was saying earlier about how this may have been a little bit of a harder sell in like these sort of legacy newsrooms is like, I think you're presenting ideas that have a lot of forward momentum. How are readers responding to this?
- [08:06]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah, division of labor. So that looks at couples. Typically it's couples, although I featured a single mom this past month. And it looks at families and how they divide up labor within the household. And it's a day in their life. So it goes from the minute their alarm goes off to the minute their head hits the pillow at the end of the night. And I was inspired by a couple of things to start it. I have a young reporter friend who's just getting married and she's. I don't know, I don't know how parents do it. And I was like that. And I kept going to like these mom group things and everybody was talking about Fair Play, Ev Rodskeep's book, right. And like they all wanted to know how everybody was doing. And I was like, that's interesting. Like everybody wants to know how everybody else gets it done. And so we just. I just was like, let's try it. I started with my husband because I wanted to prove to him how much I did. Because I think that a lot of women feel like there's a lot of sort of emotional labor and unseen work that isn't clear from the day to day. Like I agree doctor appointments and like making food planning, costume and food planning. And it's actually sunny through the process. It helped me appreciate how much he does and like the emotional load that he carries that I don't really pay attention to. Such as he and my son are very close and he does a lot of the day to day childcare. And that frees up a lot of my time to work and make the household runs. And so I think that it became very clear to me that we have figured out a balance. It's not always perfect, it's not always 50 fisty. But we definitely, I think after eight years of being parents and we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, figured out how to play to one another's strengths.
- [10:02]
Unknown
I think it'd be an interesting exercise in our household to see how we are actually dividing up the labor. But I always joke, and I'm serious about it, that by the end of the day we're both so exhausted. But it's not like neither one of us isn't doing quote unquote enough like both. We're maxed out by the end of the day.
- [10:22]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. Nobody's winning at this. The Purse readership really enjoys the series and they often have a lot to say. And it's funny because I did it one, because I wanted to see everybody's wedding photos and two, because I wanted to know what everybody was eating for dinner. And so if you look at in the back end, like the links out to people's recipes is always very high, which I love because I clearly am not the only one struggling with this.
- [10:44]
Unknown
What were some patterns or what are some things that have stood out to you as far as in this division of labor series, how households are like, is there an area like laundry or food, a department that is just the bane of the load? I find so many couples argue about the laundry. They don't. One person in the relationship doesn't value outsourcing for something like why would. Why should we pay to have that thing repaired? I'll just do it. But then that takes five more weeks.
- [11:14]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [11:15]
Unknown
And 17 trips to the hardware stores. I want to learn a little bit more about under the hood and what people are really like struggling with as it may be a pattern.
- [11:23]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. I think the pattern is a lot of that emotional load that goes unnoticed. Unappreciated doctor's appointments and school forms are always a big thing. And I also think another big thing is just like trying to have a social life as a parent and spending time away from home with friends or with a date night or just remembering that you're more than just mom and dad. So I think that's a big thing that comes up again and again. I've had two couples who both will actually leave the house and go spend the night in a hotel locally one night a quarter just to have that alone time, which feels extreme to me. Yeah. Works for them.
- [12:06]
Unknown
Let's talk about the single mom who is most recently featured in Division of Labor, Anna Davies. You used to work with her, I believe, and she is a solo mom by choice. She's 39. She has a nine year old daughter. And what I thought was so immediately wonderful about her story is that she had the benefit of being proactive about this, like kind of planting seeds.
- [12:29]
Farnoosh Turabi
She always had a sense that this.
- [12:31]
Unknown
Would be her fate and would save deliberately for a day where she may be an individual caregiver, a solo caregiver to a child and her pregnancy was unplanned. But here she is and she's so Grateful that she had that foresight. Not all, not all solo parents have that ability.
- [12:51]
Lindsay Stanberry
Anna's got a great story. I asked her to do division of labor after she called me out on LinkedIn because I had referred to a weekend alone parenting as solo parenting, which.
- [13:01]
Unknown
I thought was okay to say. You're not supposed to say single parenting. I'm solo parenting, which is technically what you're doing, but I guess, yeah, yes. She hits a nerve and it hits.
- [13:09]
Lindsay Stanberry
A nerve and I totally appreciate that. I think we all have things that hit a nerve and I think it's always good to reframe situations and it's hard being a parent. Kudos to her for figuring it out. The thing that I loved most about her story was this community that she's built around her. And I'm always in a firm belief of her that it's all about the village. Right. And she has figured out how to build one. She had a crazy story that she shared about during the pandemic, how she had gotten laid out from her job. She had a friend in quotation marks who was taking advantage, was dropping her daughter off and expecting Anna to watch her and not offering to pay anything while she was in a two income family working full time. Yeah. From the friend's perspective, maybe it would have been awkward to offer to pay. I don't know how you navigate that, but it is an interesting thing to think about.
- [14:02]
Unknown
It also makes me wonder about just the perception of what your time is worth as someone who might be home even though you're working, but you're home. So maybe it's not like you don't have this rigorous sort of get on a train, get into an office, put on a suit kind of job. And I don't know how much that plays into it. She's home anyway. Right.
- [14:24]
Lindsay Stanberry
She's already watching her daughter. At that time, her daughter would have been fine. And that's little. That's not like you ignore them all the day.
- [14:32]
Farnoosh Turabi
Interesting.
- [14:33]
Unknown
She also, while you said the community was such a, a wonderful component to her life, she designed that. And I think what I liked about her essay or her interview with you was just that I want to tell other women that if they want to become single moms, that they can do it, that you don't need another partner. You can create your own family externally.
- [14:56]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. And then you decide what's what, which is pretty empowering.
- [15:00]
Unknown
And how again, does this tie into money? I want you to tell us a little bit about why the division of labor is also a financial Issue?
- [15:06]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah, I think it's a huge financial issue. I think what you were just saying then about the perception of what your time is valued at is really important. And I think that oftentimes married couples with children don't think about the time, their extracurricular time as having value, but it definitely does. And I think all couples need to have hard conversations about how you divide things up. One of my very favorite division of laborers came from my friend Rebecca Gale, who was somebody I grew up with in Cincinnati and we stayed in touch over the years. And she's a writer and has her own substack about childcare. So it was very appropriate. And her husband's a lawyer, so he earns significantly more than she does. And they have a pretty frank and honest conversation about the fact that ultimately his career comes first. And if wish comes to shove and there's a childcare issue, she's the one who handles it. Um, but they have a child who needs some extra attention and the husband really is very involved with this kid and have, has formed this bond that helps him immensely. And so you see very clearly how the husband is stepping up. It's not like it all falls on Rebecca O'Learn does a lot, but it's really, I think that is why it's a big financial issue. And then a big, like a huge pet peeve of mine is this idea that childcare for some reason comes out of the wife's paycheck. Like it just like it blows my mind. It's like you're a family, why everyone's benefiting from somebody having childcare, why you don't see your salaries as a combined force to pay for the things you need, you don't really understand. And so part of the reason that I think division of labor is important and one of the questions I ask is what kind of child services, childcare or support services in general. Instacart to a housekeeper, to daycare to.
- [17:05]
Unknown
A tutor, someone to help homework. I know you Talked about the 5 year olds not being able to be left alone. So my son comes home at 3 o'clock and I'm home. And while he's 10 and he could probably he can absolutely. Like I wouldn't leave him home alone, although my parents did that to me in the 80s. But he needs homework help and some days he does it, but it's. You got. But I know I have a friend who she and her husband worked. There were like two ships sailing in the night and like she worked early mornings, he worked late nights and so they had a caregiver to do the morning shuffle of getting the kids to school, and then separately, someone in the afternoon. Her strengths were in sort of child development and teaching because they realized they needed two different people for the different.
- [17:51]
Lindsay Stanberry
Sort of needs kids that they had.
- [17:53]
Unknown
And the needs that they had. And I've heard this too, from women who are building businesses. And I just think that one of the great things about women who work and have their own money and then they have their kids is that they know almost, I would say, better than men how to spend the money to bring the most value.
- [18:10]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [18:11]
Unknown
To keep the house running and to invest in the people in the home. And in the home, I feel like women know exactly how to spend the money, and it's a little bit of a harder sell for the men.
- [18:21]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah, I agree. And I think thinking of childcare, especially when your children are young, as an investment in your career is really important, and we should all be doing it more. And I will say the other thing that I've noticed that I think is just crazy is like, we all are relying on so much less childcare than we used to because of the pandemic. Like, we're under some assumption that flexible workplaces means that we need less childcare. And I don't know. I'm doing it. I'm guilty of it too. And it's driving me craz crazy.
- [18:51]
Unknown
Yeah, I can't. I know. I went from having so much childcare when they were little before COVID to I have an aftercare program that my daughter uses, but my son comes home and my. My brother, who is not a parent yet, watched our kids for two days with his wife. They came to our home, they stayed overnight while we had to go on a trip. And at the end of it, he said, and I left like a whole schedule. I left maps, I left schedules, I left food ideas, food in the fridge. And he said, how do parents who work, what do they do at 3:00? Yeah. I said, you have asked the question. We have all stopped asking. I can tell you why. It's because school was developed in an industrial era when men mostly worked, if not only worked, and women were home. So 3:00, school bell rings. Kids come out like, there's a parent home, usually mom. And that has not evolved.
- [19:48]
Lindsay Stanberry
No.
- [19:49]
Unknown
Do you think we'll ever get to a place where school will adjust to the reality of how couples are dividing the labor at home?
- [19:56]
Lindsay Stanberry
I gotta tell you, my biggest fear is that there will actually be a real push to four day work weeks, but then it'll also be like four day school weeks and our kids home three days on weekends and it's totally.
- [20:08]
Unknown
Not in the direction that we need. I know no.
- [20:11]
Farnoosh Turabi
Next we're gonna dive into the details of how One couple earning $800,000 a year afforded a three and a half million dollar Brooklyn town home. They earn a nice bit of money, but there is a lot more to this story and it was the topic of a recent the Purse newsletter. Plus Lindsay's travel envy and the financial realities of family vacations coming up. But first, a commercial break. Have you ever experienced a dry, itchy scalp? Or ever wondered why your color isn't lasting as long as your hairdresser promised? I'm raising my hand. Well, Unfilter mineral filled water could be the reason why. Did you know hard water is a leading cause of damaged hair and dry, irritated skin? And that about 85% of the United States uses hard water filled with dissolved minerals and added chlorine? That's where Canopy's filtered showerheads come in. Canopy, known for their beauty hacks and reimagined humidifier, has revolutionized the filtered showerhead space with not one filtered showerhead, but a handheld version as well. Dermatologists recommended this unique three stage filtration system greatly reduces contaminants and odors in your shower water water, leaving you with healthy hair and glowing skin. Best of all, the Canopy's filtered shower heads are hassle free, installation is a breeze, and its unique filter replacement feature allows for seamless filter changes unlike any others on the market. Go to getcanopy.co to save $25 on your Canopy filtered showerhead purchase today with Canopy's hassle free filter subscription. Even better, my listeners can use the code somoney at checkout to save an additional 10% off your canopy purchase. Hurry. Your hair and skin will thank you. Here's something I'm really looking forward to as the weather turns cooler. Penn State football games Pumpkin spice lattes. Yeah, I said it. And slipping into a cozy sweater from Quince. Quince is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50. And it's not just that all Quince Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denim and so much more. How are they able to do that? By partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middle, which passes the savings on to us. I just did a huge quince haul because I'm obsessed with their cropped button down cardigans Perfect to go with my high waisted jeans. They fit perfectly and look like a million bucks and I only spent 49. Get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials go to quince.com sew money for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I-N-C-E.com somoney to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com sowmoney imagine having a super smart and reliable virtual friend to help you guide your finances. Well, besides me. That's exactly what you get with Claude the AI assistant from Anthropic designed to help amplify your potential. Whether you're tackling your finances alone or working with a team, Claude is there to help. Need to analyze financial data, track expenses or make a plan to pay off debt? Claude's advanced reasoning capabilities are perfect for breaking down complex charts, forecasting savings goals and even jet generating custom tools to streamline your financial models. Plus Claud offers top tier security and reliability, ensuring your sensitive financial information is always protected. Trust it to help you make the best decisions with the peace of mind of knowing your data is safe ready to take control of your financial future. Visit Claude AI today and see how Claude can help you exceed your goals.
- [23:42]
Unknown
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- [23:44]
Lindsay Stanberry
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- [23:55]
Unknown
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- [24:07]
Lindsay Stanberry
Monday.com for whatever you run. Go to Monday.com to learn more.
- [24:16]
Unknown
All right, this is fun. Let's talk about home economics. This is another feature in the purse and I was obsessed with this because I feel like I was this Brooklyn couple years ago, right? They're making the dual income they have a kid, young child went on the way and their dream was to own a town home which was always my dream too. But I got quickly priced out and also other reasons. I read the headline and I saw okay couple making combined 800,000 a year and buying a three and a half million dollars townhome. I said yeah, that's not that salary. No bank is giving you a mortgage on that salary with that loan unless it's like a shady bank so there's got to be something else going on.
- [25:01]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [25:02]
Unknown
Tell us how that couple afforded that.
- [25:03]
Lindsay Stanberry
Home they both work in tech, and they had a lot of equity.
- [25:07]
Unknown
The down payment was, what, like 50%? They put a lot down.
- [25:11]
Lindsay Stanberry
Probably a million down, I think.
- [25:13]
Unknown
Yeah, a third.
- [25:14]
Lindsay Stanberry
A third.
- [25:15]
Unknown
Okay. So it got to a place where they could probably get a qualified loan, and then the mortgage was within their means.
- [25:23]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. So it's a $12,000 mortgage, but it's also. The brownstone has two rental units, so they're earning $7,200 a month in rent. Wow. Yeah. So that more than halves their mortgage. They're probably paying around $5,000 a month. Amazing. Yeah. But it's also. It is not a renovated brownstone. It hasn't been updated since the forties.
- [25:51]
Unknown
That's how expensive Brooklyn is. Everybody. You pay three and a half million dollars, and it still needs about a.
- [25:56]
Lindsay Stanberry
Million dollars, $10 and more upgrades that aren't.
- [25:59]
Unknown
You want to get to code? Okay.
- [26:00]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. You want to get to code. And they're planning on next year to take it down to the studs and renovate it, for which they will sell another chunk of equity. They had close to $10 million in assets beyond the house.
- [26:15]
Unknown
Wow. Oh, my gosh. Okay. I think I skipped that part. And it's. I saw lots of. I was like, okay, their equity is like, seven figures.
- [26:23]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [26:24]
Unknown
As you were interviewing them or reflecting on their spending and their aspirations, too. I thought they said they wanted to buy another house in North Fork and.
- [26:32]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [26:33]
Unknown
Have another kid. And it's like, they're really spending a lot of money.
- [26:37]
Lindsay Stanberry
A lot of money.
- [26:38]
Unknown
And did you ever talk to them about that? Like, where does that desire come from to be such spenders?
- [26:44]
Lindsay Stanberry
I think that they've really.
- [26:46]
Unknown
I think it's great.
- [26:47]
Lindsay Stanberry
I'm not saying, like, no, it's not a bad thing. It's really interesting because they went from living in a relatively modest rental to upgrading to this $3 million home. And I don't know if you've been through this for years, but I've definitely had some friends who, like, we're going along, seems like we're on the same page, and then all of a sudden, they have a very expensive house, and it's like, oh, yeah, how did that happen? And I think this couple, since having a child, has gone through a pretty radical lifestyle upgrade. And I think they're trying to figure it out and how that looks and how that works. And I didn't talk to them afterwards, but I imagine, like, seeing it all out of the page, I don't know, would have freaked me out. But the thing That I think is really interesting is just a few days before, I had featured a couple in Massachusetts who was a teacher and a carpenter. And they were making $150,000 a year, which is a nice salary, but not 800,000. And they had a home that they owned. And of course these people felt the same form. Right. So they're sharing the same expenses, but at the end of the day, we're all just spending our money on the same things. And if you make have a lot more interesting expenses, you don't, you're just buying. You're just spending twice as much on groceries because you can afford it, which you find really interesting.
- [28:11]
Unknown
Yeah. Working in tech, as this couple does, I wonder what the risks are there. I think that while they have all this equity, is it guaranteed? Can what they cash out of that equity? It's not just on paper. So obviously that's helped them get the house that they want and all of that. But yeah, they're in a spending phase and also a high earning phase, so. And they're making some good investments with the rental properties and the second home. And I was ultimately happy for them. And I think it was interesting. I think one of them kept saying, we don't have family money. Yeah, you just want to be clear because that's how it happens. If you're in your 30s and you're buying a $5 million town home, you.
- [28:52]
Lindsay Stanberry
Have either family money or you have a job that provides you equity. Yeah, they don't have family money, but they don't not have family money. Like, you know, tapped it.
- [29:04]
Unknown
She said, oh, we'll just probably inherit a few million.
- [29:06]
Lindsay Stanberry
It's not a little bit of money.
- [29:07]
Unknown
And that money is there, so ignore it.
- [29:11]
Lindsay Stanberry
All hell breaks loose. Definitely seems like they early inheritance. Yeah, right.
- [29:16]
Unknown
You brought up spending on the same things, but I want to bring in your travel envy because not everybody is spending on the same sort of travel. I'm like you. I do. We have done some nice trips, but when I go to plan the next one, I have all this agita because I'm like, it's just going to be.
- [29:35]
Farnoosh Turabi
A pain in the ass.
- [29:36]
Unknown
It's almost. It was easier to travel when they were younger than now because they have opinions and then you don't want to do things. And they have strong personalities and it's just really hard to travel with our family. Maybe we're just unique in that way. But therefore, I don't feel like I want to spend $10,000 on airline tickets, which you can. I'm not going first class, by the way, there are four people to go to San Diego. Yeah. This time last year, it was like $8,000. And I. It was my brother's wedding. I couldn't not go. Right.
- [30:08]
Lindsay Stanberry
This is why I travel.
- [30:09]
Unknown
I go to travel for weddings. I trap for a family member. I travel to see my parents.
- [30:13]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah.
- [30:14]
Unknown
So I'm hoping the next trip can be somewhere sunny on a beach. But also I'm like, I don't want to spend all that money. And then it's work while I'm there.
- [30:23]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. I was watching an old episode of Modern Family and the mom, the woman who has. I can't think of what her name is, they're all in Hawaii on a vacation and the husband is trying to make it romantic. And she's. I'm on a family vacation, which for our mom means a business trip and so forth much perfect. Because almost like it's the opposite for a mom. I don't know if you feel like this. Whenever I traveled for work, like, especially at Fortune, because we do these beautiful conferences and see these really nice hotels, and I'd be like, this is vacation. Yeah.
- [30:58]
Unknown
A work trip is a vacation, a real work trip, whereas a family trip is. Yeah. And unfortunately, you can't expense any of that.
- [31:07]
Lindsay Stanberry
You can't. Although both of us, as content creators, I'm sure we're trying to be creative about.
- [31:13]
Unknown
What did you find in your investigation? Because a lot of this was the FOMO was being fed by social media. And I'm with you. I'm like, is everyone moving to London? Like, I don't understand in my feed.
- [31:22]
Lindsay Stanberry
Right.
- [31:22]
Unknown
It just seems like I like one thing and then I just get all these other people that are doing all these extravagant travels. And I do think some of it is pay for play.
- [31:31]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. It's really funny. When I started writing the essay, I was like, everyone I know is going on these fancy trips. And then I started to like, go through it, like super creeper. Like going through everybody's Instagram feeds. And then I started thinking of my friends, and I have a friend who this summer we're not taking a family vacation. We're re spending $10,000 to rebuild our front steps there, there. As homeowners and families with kids like it. Life is expensive. And usually vacation is not part of that equation. Like, a fancy, nice European vacation is not part of that equation. And so then it dawned on me, like, oh, wait, I'm looking too much at Instagram. And what I'm seeing is not reality, but the bank rate survey I found said 36% of Americans were going into debt this summer to pay for vacation.
- [32:15]
Unknown
Wow.
- [32:16]
Lindsay Stanberry
And Disney kids.
- [32:17]
Unknown
I did a whole thing on people who would like to have children are on the fence because they hear it's $300,000 between the age of 0 and 18. And I go, yeah, if you're spending 20,000 a year on vacations, we are. You are spending that money whether you have kids or not.
- [32:37]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yes.
- [32:38]
Unknown
And I think sometimes the assumption is that when I have a family or when I grow my family and I have a child and someone I'm caring for, that nothing will change in my budget. What I'm spending on today and the lifestyle I have today is locked in. And then on top of that, you add a kid. How do I make that work? And then I said, I don't want to burst your bubble, but you're not going to have the same life. And what's your biggest piece of advice now that you have been married for 15 years, your son is getting older, you've interviewed all these families. Your biggest piece of advice for someone who wants to have a family, grow a family, have kids, but is worried about the cost and perhaps also even the lifestyle adjustments, what are the questions you should ask yourself before you do.
- [33:25]
Lindsay Stanberry
It, but sitting with, like, decision on whether or not to have kids? My mother gave me a piece of advice when I was on the fence, and she was like, what else are you gonna do? And the title was like, mom, now that I have a kid and I see how it's changed my world, I'm like, what else was I gonna do? You can continue to do those fun things that you did in your 20s and 30s, but when you have a kid, you get to do all these other fun things that you don't even know what it is. And I wrote this essay for Mother's Day about how I felt like motherhood was getting such a bad rap these days. And like, the sort of, like, media line on parenthood is that it's, like, horrible and expensive and drudgery and, yes, all of those things, but also, like, joyful and funny and exciting and interesting and world expanding. So I, like, love Motherhead. I give it, like a big A plus. I think that when you're beginning to think about doing it, doing some research and understanding the expenses is really important and saving is really important. I remember I had a conversation with a young woman at Refinery who was like, it's all you can save to have a baby. I'm like, you can save for Anything. Like, you can choose any golden shape.
- [34:33]
Unknown
You can save while you're pregnant. You can save while you're already a parent. It's just, what's your priority?
- [34:38]
Lindsay Stanberry
What's your priority? And I think that understanding childcare versus daycare versus relying on family versus leaning back in your career. And the good news is there's so many great resources out there right now, and it's not hard to find them. And even just falling down a Reddit rabbit hole can reveal some really interesting things. Do your research. Do your research. Like you would plan a trip, go look at parenthood in that way. Because it is a big adventure, an expensive one. But I think it's. What else are you going to do?
- [35:09]
Unknown
I have friends who go, I got a long list for our new trip. A lot of things I would let her do. I'd rather start a business. I'd rather travel to Greece every year. I don't know. I think I'm like, and you can have a kid and do that, a kid.
- [35:19]
Lindsay Stanberry
And do those things. Your life does not completely stop. It just changes.
- [35:23]
Unknown
It evolves. It changes it.
- [35:26]
Farnoosh Turabi
Have you spoken to Neha Roosh?
- [35:28]
Lindsay Stanberry
She's the founder. Yeah. Like I was when I we were talking about this, I was like, she is a fantastic resource.
- [35:33]
Unknown
Yeah. She's been on the podcast, I think that you two would click. Because she's also here to sort of rebrand not just parenthood, but stay at home, motherhood and what that means and taking a pause. And I was just talking to a woman at coffee today in town who was a producer for many years, and when her son turned 10, 11, 12, I worked from 7am till 8pm I was always on my phone and I have all these saved voicemails from my son when he was 10, 11, 12, leaving me voicemail saying, mommy, it's your son. When are you coming home? Tonight. Mommy, it's your son. Can you pick me up a ruler from CBS on your way home for my math test tomorrow?
- [36:15]
Farnoosh Turabi
Mommy, it's your son.
- [36:16]
Unknown
Are you going to be here for dinner? And when she got enough of those voicemails, she said, I got to stop. I got to go and be with my son and raise him. And then she went back to work after he was in high school. But I applaud women who do that if that's what they want to do and they have a plan. I think it's important to look at it as, yeah, a pivot. That is not forever.
- [36:39]
Lindsay Stanberry
No.
- [36:40]
Unknown
And it's important to find your path after your kids are growing up because. Yeah, he doesn't need her as much now and then to ask your question. What are you gonna do?
- [36:50]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah, what are you gonna do? I think we forget how short this time is over our whole lives. It's short when they're little, and then it's short when they're at what I think is the fun stage, which is like four to. I don't know. I'm at eight and I'm happy with it. I'll let you know when we hit 15 and when they need you more. Like my son said to me the other day, you can't be out three nights in a row. You can't do it. Like, when he was 2, he didn't notice.
- [37:18]
Unknown
One of the best pieces of parenting advice I got when I was pregnant, a woman who I knew who was further along in her career, she worked, she's very senior, and she had two kids who were in their tweens. And she said that when your children are babies and infants and napping half the day, that this is the time to really ramp up your career, invest in your skills, invest in your network.
- [37:43]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yes.
- [37:43]
Unknown
Take the project, Go on the business trip. That way when they're older and they have questions and they're coming home from school and they really do need you, it's not just a matter of, are they fed, do they have a nap? No, they really do. There's no substitute. Then you have hopefully laid a foundation in your career and in your bank account to be able to make some choices that you want to make at that point to show up more for your family and specifically your kids.
- [38:11]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. I also think that it's great for your kids to see you as like an independent partner.
- [38:17]
Unknown
Absolutely.
- [38:17]
Lindsay Stanberry
And I often think eventually it's done and he gets to go have another life. And so it's also important for you to maintain your life and your friends and your relationship with a partner, because one day it will just be the two of us again.
- [38:32]
Unknown
And congrats on your 15 year anniversary.
- [38:33]
Lindsay Stanberry
Thank you.
- [38:34]
Unknown
Lindsay, tell us how we can subscribe to the Purse and also what the experience is.
- [38:39]
Lindsay Stanberry
Yeah. So the newsletter comes out once a week and you can subscribe to it on Substack. It's just the purse.substack.com we're on Instagram, not posting expensive travel vacations pictures, so don't worry about that. And that's read the Purse on Instagram. And yeah, it's lots of fun. I think your readers will really like. I do agree. Oh, I know they will like very aligned if you like.
- [39:04]
Unknown
So money you will love the Purse. It's such a deep dive into the intricacies of thinking about money, managing your money, relating to your money as a woman. Single, married, divorced, really fresh takes on issues that we're all like thinking about but maybe not talking about. And Lindsay, you're the one to trust to bring this to us because whenever.
- [39:25]
Lindsay Stanberry
I can, I try to tap for Noosh for her expertise. We'll see her on the pages of the Purse for sure.
- [39:31]
Unknown
We'll put the link in our show notes for those who wanna learn more and subscribe. Lindsey, thank you and I'll see you on the other side of our 2024 election.
- [39:40]
Lindsay Stanberry
Sounds good. Thanks Pranoosh.
- [39:45]
Farnoosh Turabi
Thanks so much to Lindsay for joining us. To subscribe to the Purse, go to the purse.substack.com I'll share that link in our show. Not As a reminder, tomorrow Election night is our final investing workshop of the year. If you've already voted by 7pm Eastern tomorrow, consider joining me to learn everything you need to know to get started with investing and make some important money moves. As we close out the year and head into the new year. Get ahead with any resolutions you may have about getting smarter with your money and investing in your Future. It's a 90 minute live session. It's also going to be recorded for all who register. Go to somoneyworkshop.com and save your seat. We'll talk about the best ways to invest, a shortcut to selecting your investments, how to address your fear of investing, and how I invest. I'm going to pull back the curtain on all my investment choices. Hope to see you there. But most importantly, please, please cast your vote. I hope your day is so money.
- [40:56]
Unknown
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