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Farnoosh Tarabi
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Kristen Wong
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Farnoosh Tarabi
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Thumbtack presents the ins and outs of caring for your home out Indecision, overthinking, second guessing every choice you make in plans and guides that make it easy to get home projects done out beige on beige on beige in knowing what to do, when to do it and who to hire. Start caring for your home with confidence. Download thumbtack today. So Money Episode 1748 Friends with Top Strategies for Navigating Wealth Gaps Without Awkwardness. You're listening to so Money with award winning money guru Farnoosh Tarabi. Each day get a 30 minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers and from Farnoosh yourself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to so Money.
Kristen Wong
The conversation might be a little bit awkward depending on, you know, what it's about. If you can't afford to take a vacation, you can't afford to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. Whatever it is, it might be a difficult conversation to have, but once you get past that initial difficulty and that initial awkwardness, how your friend responds to that is going to be a huge tell in where the relationship goes from there. And ideally it goes, you know, it goes in a good direction.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Welcome to so Money everybody. I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. When I was a little girl, my family was very much on the rise financially. My dad was an academic and when he graduated, got his PhD. His income slowly grew over the years as he transitioned jobs and got promoted. And our quality of life would always improve. We would move to better neighborhoods, a nicer house, all the things. And so we always felt, I always felt like we had more than enough. And it was always fun to see sort of where the family would go next. Cut to about I'm 9, 10 years old and my parents make friends with these folks who are wildly rich. I'm talking lavish vacations. Mercedes Benz's a house with a pool. I mean, I was just happy to have a second bathroom in our house. I was so happy about that, being with these folks. It was fun. Sometimes we'd go on some crazy vacations. My parents I know were having a good time, lots of bottles of wine at dinner. And this family was always very generous, would often comp us, often pay for our trips and pay for our meals. And as I look back, I think my parents had a sense of obligation to this family that was rooted in all the times that they would treat us. So when they would ask my parents for favors or help for various household things or tasks, at one point we were all living in close proximity. My parents would drop everything and help them, even if it meant rerouting their day, rescheduling their appointments. There was this tension that even as a kid I noticed it. And as we'll learn in this conversation today with our guest, financial friction in friendships is a real thing, especially if one friend or friend group earns more or earns less and suddenly things you do together and enjoy together become more challenging. Wealth differences can sometimes create invisible lines that complicate what should be enjoyable moments and lead to feelings of envy, guilt or imbalance. So today we're diving into this conundrum with someone who has tackled this topic recently. Krist Wong is an award winning journalist and author and she's explored the subtle, often unspoken ways that wealth gaps can impact friendships. Her recent article in the New York Times uncovers the nuances of these situations as well as how friends navigate the social and emotional dynamics of financial imbalance. We'll hear about some of the scenarios and interviews that didn't make the New York Times article, but Kristin's got the scoop. Here's Kristen Wong. Kristen Wong, welcome back to so Money. It's been a minute, but I'm always following your work and I'm excited to have you back to talk about your recent New York Times piece on friends and money and the complexities that ensue. Welcome, welcome, my friend.
Kristen Wong
Thank you. Thanks for having me back.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Let's first reintroduce you to our audience for those who may not have been listening for a very long time. Kristin, you're no stranger to so money, but tell us a little bit about the lens through which you like to explore personal finance stories. I think I was describing you to a friend this morning. As I was saying I'm gonn interview Kristen and I said she just loves to get into sort of the complexities and the messiness of money sometimes and untangle it for readers. And I think that's a, that's an important job. You like to get it to sort of the, the layers of financial personal finance.
Kristen Wong
Yeah, I'm very interested in the psychology of money. And so a lot of my work, you know, has actually shifted more to writing about social science in recent years, but I'm still very fascinated. Like it, it comes back to money often because I don't know, there's just like, there's such a rich topic wise comes to psychology and money. Like there's just a lot there to unpack.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. And recently for the New York Times, where you write, you unpacked friendship and money. And specifically when you have disparate financial lives where one friend either earns more or just has a higher net worth and the other friend is not quite there and the challenges that come about. How did this story come about for you?
Kristen Wong
I don't, I think it's just kind of how any story along those lines comes about, where it's like, I notice something happening either within my own friend group or I'll find something. I'll come across a Reddit thread where somebody's talking about something and I'm like, that's an interesting problem to solve. Maybe I should write about this. So I don't know exactly. I think I had had this story idea for a while and I pitched it and it went over well. But I think it's just something that's very ubiquitous. We deal with it all the time. Like all of us kind of have issues that come up with this often. You know, whether it's like splitting how to split the check at dinner or if it's like a larger issue where it's like, you know, lending money to friends and how do you navigate that? But I think it's just something that's pretty common.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. I was talking to Lindsay Stanberry. Both, we are, we are both friends with her. She is the creator of the Purse, long time journalist. She Said something that I think was really resonant, where she's like, you know, you have that friend, and you've been friends for a while, and you think you're on the same financial wavelength. You know, you've been going to the same restaurants together. Maybe you've even gone on vacation together. You seem to have the same financial capabilities. And then all of a sudden, they buy a $3 million town home. And you're like, where did that come from? You know, I've had that happen to me and my husband. Like, we'll be friends with these, with this couple. And then they're like, yeah, we're looking for, you know, we're looking for house hunting, and we're renting right now. We're house hunting. This is the same couple that I'm. I'm going. I'm going off track here a little bit, but this is where I love this. So this is the couple. Same couple who, like, invites us to a bir for their kid and orders Domino's Pizza because they said it's too expensive to buy all these boxes of pizza from the fancy Italian place down the street. They're like, we're just going to do Domino's. They're three years old. It's fine. I was like, yeah, that's sensible. And then the next week, they bought like a $5 million townhome. Anyway, just a small story there. What makes this so relatable is that you're right. Like, we've all experienced this at some point, whether it's in college or high school, when you feel like a has more financial resources, they go on nicer vacations, they have their parents credit card, they're spending without a budget. And then as you get older and you choose your profession, that alone can kind of determine your trajectories. The title of your article is called your friend has more money than you do. How can your relationship survive? It sort of implies in the title that this is fraught. This is going to be difficult to navigate. Why did you go in with that. That assumption? Or maybe I'm just reading into the title.
Kristen Wong
No, I think you're right, and it is fraught. I think it's a difficult thing to navigate. And a lot of times when friends have falling out, it's often because of money. I mean, it can be about anything. But, yeah, money just kind of makes things a lot stickier. Money is as you've talked about, so money is like a taboo topic. So it's. It's hard to even bring it up. It's hard to know how to talk about it, so. And I think it's, like, hard for people to know how to deal with it themselves, much less bring somebody else into the mix and then figure out how to navigate issues that come up with their friends. You know, this interview didn't make it into the final piece just because of the word count issue, but I had interviewed somebody who did have issues with friends. I think her issue was that her friends assumed that she made a lot of money, that she made more money than they did, and they were always, like, kind of expecting her to pay for things because of this assumption. And, yeah, I don't. I think there are a lot of examples like that that people probably have experience with.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. You interviewed Asia Evans, who is author of Feel Good Finance and a financial therapist. She's been on so many, multiple times. Love her perspective. And she really got to the root of the psychology of this is like, why is there discomfort? Why is there an unsettling feeling when you have a friend who makes more? She said it's largely due to the fact that we associate net worth with self worth and we conflate someone's salary with who they are and the measure of who they are as a person. You know, like, they're a better person, a smarter person, and that's something that has nothing to do with the friendship or even the person who's wealthier than you. That's a you thing. How do you check yourself in those moments? How do you know? And the discomfort that you're feeling with your friend is actually a you thing and not a them thing, even though they may be the ones who are making more and spending in ways that you just can't?
Kristen Wong
Man, that's such a good question.
Farnoosh Tarabi
What do you do about it? Like, do you say something to your friend like, hey, I feel uncomfortable, or. I don't know, how do you find the communication piece around? This is really the challenge.
Kristen Wong
Yeah, I guess that is really the challenge. I think it's also just, like, any kind of uncomfortable emotion that comes up, the thing that you can do to get to that place where you're like, is this? Am I. You know, is this a valid feeling that I'm having? Or am I, like, kind of upset with my friend and it's not their fault? I think the one thing you can do is just think about the feeling and, like, process it and ask yourself questions like, why am I feeling this way? What's it bringing up for me? Like, what does it remind me of? Are there Other memories in my past that are getting triggered by this fear. So I think you can do that. But to your point, you know, I do think a big part of it is the communication piece. And that's the hard part, right, because we just talked about how money is kind of a taboo topic. It's hard to know how to talk about it, but I think it's, you know, one way you can look at it is like, it's going to be an awkward conversation. Like, if you're going to bring something up to your friend, like, maybe they haven't paid you enough for the Airbnb you rented together, it's very awkward to bring that up and say, hey, you owe me money. Can you give me money? Like, that's just an awkward thing to bring up. But the way that I think an interesting way to frame this is, you know, it's an opportunity to deepen your friendship with someone. So, yeah, the conversation might be a little bit awkward depending on, you know, what it's about. If you can't afford to take a vacation, you can't afford to be a bridesmaid in their wedding, whatever it is. It might be a difficult conversation to have. But once you get past that initial difficulty and that initial awkwardness, how your friend responds to that is going to be a huge tell in where the relationship goes from there. And ideally, it goes, you know, it goes in a good direction. And I think just bringing it up in the first place is, yeah, just be direct about it. Anna Goldfarb, who is a writer, she wrote a book called Modern Friendship. I interviewed her in this piece also, and she gave some great advice where, you know, she said to. If you're gonna. If you have to turn somebody down or tell them, no, I can't be, you know, I can't afford to attend your wedding. Give them some kind of consolation, like some kind of backup. What can you do? You know, can you take them to a really nice dinner or spend the week with them somewhere? So, you know, I think those are kind of. Yeah, there are, like, tips that you can do. There's like, you know, ways that you can go about this in a kind, strategic way, I guess, and honest culture.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Now, I think 10 years ago, this may have been even harder, but I do. What do you think about our culture today? I do think that, you know, things like loud budgeting and social media has actually given a lot of the younger folks a permission slip to go, okay, no, like, I can't. I gotta be protected. We're talking more about money. These days we have more financial educators supporting people from, you know, whatever your flavor of financial expert is, she's out there, he's out there. So I think that has helped us kind of give us the vocabulary and also the permission to speak up about our financial goals. Whether that's in the context of a friendship where there is disparate financial goals or financial means, or you're just, you know, in a normal relationship with your partner and you want to express, you know, your values and, you know, whatever the context is. But I do think it's a little easier now than ever to have these talks.
Kristen Wong
I do too. I think, you know, there are probably economic issues at play that make it easier. Like income inequality is just more of a topic now than it increasingly more of a topic.
Farnoosh Tarabi
The wealth gap. Right, right.
Kristen Wong
People are kind of ready to talk about it, I think. And at least in my experience, when I, you know, have a friend that when I bring it up with a friend for the first time, there's usually sort of the sense of relief that comes from bringing it up. Like I have a sort of new friend that I'm doing stuff with lately and the issue of money has come up where I can't afford to do certain things that maybe she wants to do. And I've just kind of said that, like, ooh, you know, like, we're really on a tight budget. I have a kid going to preschool. Like, it's like, it's a little tight around here. And she seemed almost like a sense of relief to like be able to say that. And then it was really nice because then she's now very aware, like when we do things together, she's like very aware of suggesting things that are maybe a little bit more budget friendly, you know, so like, be direct. And people seem to respond well to that.
Farnoosh Tarabi
In a moment, I want to ask you about some of the things that I grapple with when it comes to income disparities with friends. So I'm going to get a little personal and ask you to assess. And then you interviewed two friends whose wealth gap has endured many years. Like 20 years of one friend continuing to earn more than the other. And we're going to get into that relationship and you're going to tell us why it has been successful. But first, let's take a commercial break. Have you ever experienced a dry, itchy scalp or ever wondered why your color isn't lasting as long as your hairdresser promised? I'm raising my hand. Well, unfiltered mineral filled water could be the reason why did you know hard water is a leading cause of damaged hair and dry, irritated skin? And that about 85% of the United States uses hard water filled with dissolved minerals and added chlorine? That's where Canopy's filtered showerheads come in. Canopy, known for their beauty hacks and reimagined humidifier, has revolutionized the filtered showerhead space. With not one filtered showerhead but a handheld version as well, dermatologists recommended this unique three stage filtration system greatly reduces contaminants and odors in your shower water, leaving you with healthy hair and glowing skin. Best of all, the Canopy's filtered showerheads are hassle free, installation is a breeze, and its unique filter replacement feature allows for seamless filter changes unlike any others on the market. Go to getcannopy.com to save $25 on your Canopy filtered showerhead purchased today with Canopy's hassle free filter subscription. Even better, my listeners can use the code somoney at checkout to save an additional 10% off your canopy purchase. Hurry. Your hair and skin will thank you. Imagine having a super smart and reliable virtual friend to help you guide your finances well besides me. That's exactly what you get with Claude, the AI assistant from Anthropic, designed to help amplify your potential. Whether you're tackling your finances alone or working with a team, Claude is there to help. Need to analyze financial data, track expenses or make a plan to pay off debt? Claude's advanced reasoning capabilities are perfect for breaking down complex charts, forecasting savings goals and even generating custom tools to streamline your financial models. Plus, Claude offers top tier security and reliability, ensuring your sensitive financial information is always protected. Trust it to help you make the best decisions with the peace of mind of knowing your data is safe. Ready to take control of your financial future? Visit Claude AI today and see how Claude can help you exceed your goals. Here's something I'm really looking forward to as the weather turns cooler. Penn State football games Pumpkin Spice lattes yeah, I said it. And slipping into a cozy sweater from Quince. Quince is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50. And it's not just that that all Quinn's Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denim and so much more. How are they able to do that? By partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman which passes the savings on to us. I just did a huge Quinn's haul because I'm obsessed with their cropped button down cardigans. Perfect to go with my high waisted jeans. They fit perfectly and look like a million bucks and I only spent 49. Get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.comsewmoney for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E.comsew money to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comsowmoney the flavor, the tradition and the.
Kristen Wong
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Just 299 only at Del Taco. So something that came up in your story and I can relate to this, is when you are the friend who makes more. There is this in some cases, not in all cases, but I have been in this place where I feel like, well I'll just pay for it, you know, or I won't even ask them if they want to go to this thing. I'll just say, hey, my treat, let's go to this XYZ place. Or But I think there's a fine line between being a nice friend who's generous and then being someone who is presumptuous and thinks that this person cannot afford or would not afford what you want to afford. I always want to make sure that I'm never making the other person feel, quote unquote, less than or like I am trying to insert myself into their financial life or make assumptions, you know. So this is what's all this is all the thought bubbles going on in my head. So, you know, and I think that there is also a fine line of that friend who's kind of extending their generosity, feeling like I don't want to get taken advantage of either. Because I've heard this too from women who make more that it's always the women who make more than their women friends are like, yeah, everyone just assumes that I'm going to pick up the tab because I have the big job in finance or whatever. It's such a delicate balance. And I just wonder if you had any interviews that talked about that and or like have any thoughts on that.
Kristen Wong
Yeah, that's so Interesting. I did. You know, there were a lot of people that I actually interviewed for this piece, and then the interview didn't make the cut again for.
Farnoosh Tarabi
And that's why we're here on so Money talking about.
Kristen Wong
Yeah, But I did interview somebody who. And he was actually a man who had this issue because he had grown up with a lot of. You know, he had grown up with a lot of people who they. They earned the same amount of money. And then he started a business, and the business really took off, and everybody found out about it, because I think it would make. He was like in Business Insider, and they covered it. And so, like, his friends started kind of expecting him to pay for everything. And I think he told me that, you know, he just kind of like the friends that he was close to that he. He felt comfortable saying, so he could just tell them, like, you know, I'm gonna set a boundary with you, and, like, we're gonna. I'm not gonna pay for this, or, like, I'm gonna expect you to pitch in with this. And then when friends didn't respond well to that, like, I think he had to distance himself from that a little bit. And sometimes that just happens. But sometimes I think it's also that people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. You know, sometimes people don't. Real Might not realize they're taking advantage. You know, if you are so quick to grab the bill or you're throwing money down, you know, extra money that you don't need to throw down just to be safe and, like, cover them, they might not even be thinking about it. They might not, like, be aware that you're doing that kind of stuff. So, again, I think if you start feeling like you're in that place where you're being taken advantage of and it's getting really bad, you can pull back. You know, there are ways that you can just pull back or you can just be direct and have the awkward conversation with the friend and say something like, you know, hey, I've noticed that, like, I'm usually one. Throwing down the credit card for the meal, and. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. What do you think? You know, I don't know. There are ways that I think you can go about the conversation that don't have to be confrontational, but can still be direct.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. You interviewed two women friends and how they've navigated the growing difference in their incomes over the years. I think they've been friends. I think you said, like, 20 years, something like that and part of, I think what helps them evolve as friends is that they have history and they also share a lot of similar values. For newer friends, it's probably a little bit trickier, Right? We're quick to maybe judge, we're quick to give up on the friendship, especially if we arrive already with disparate income. Whereas I think these two friends, the gap grew over the years and maybe they started out more or less on the same plane. I mean, in your 20s, like, you know, maybe you're making a little bit more than your friends, but you're still early in your career. So, yeah, everyone's struggling. Like, you got. Maybe someone's making more, but they have student loan debt. So it's like some. Some sort of leveled playing field. And then, you know, maybe things change. And I just wonder, do you think there's a difference? Is it harder for friends that are a little bit newer and there's already this existing wealth gap? We tend to go with the herd, and sometimes that means we go with the financial herd. You know, it's like the friends who. It's just easier. It's easier to hang out with friends that are making roughly around the same amount of money or have the same means.
Kristen Wong
Yeah. There was a study that came out recently that kind of, you know, touched on this and it found that when you. Gosh, they had a term for it was like cross, not cross cultural, but like, anyway, when you are friends with people in a different economic bracket than you, like, upward mobility becomes much easier, but that's very rare. Like, it's mostly exactly as you said. Like, we kind of tend to hang out with the people who are similar socioeconomic background to us. But they found like that one of the big drivers of leveling the playing field for people was cross, whatever they called it. Gosh, I wish I could think of the word for it. It was like. But basically, you know, coming together across income gaps. And so I thought that was really interesting. But, you know, I do think it's hard when you're first starting out in a friendship and that there's a big wealth gap. It's. Yeah, of course it's going to be hard if you don't, you know, if the friendship is new and fresh to like navigate that. But that's probably true for like anything that comes up in a friendship. And the thing that the two women I interviewed in that piece, Hilah and Natalie, said that made their friendship work was that they had shared values when it comes to money. And I think think that's a really big part of it. They both kind of believe that your net worth is not your self worth and money is just kind of a number. And you said this earlier about how people just make different choices, you know, and those choices sometimes can earn you more money. Choices in what they decide to do with their career. They can make you more or less money. And. But I think you can't figure out if you have shared values with someone until you, I don't know, have those sticky conversations with them. You know, it's hard to deepen a friendship if you're not going to. If you're not going to talk about things that are on your mind. So, you know, maybe it all goes back to if you want a deep friendship with somebody and a meaningful friendship with somebody, and ideally, that friendship would survive any kind of wealth gap. You have to. You have to have those sticky conversations.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Did you ever watch the movie Friends with Money?
Kristen Wong
No, I have not.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Oh, you have to watch that. I would think that would have been like research for your New York Times piece. It's Jennifer Aniston and it's about these four friends in la. So you're gonna love this movie. You all are from different economic backgrounds.
Kristen Wong
I think we're always looking for ways to figure out how people are dealing with their money too, you know, so you see a friend making choices that you wouldn't make with your money, and you try to come to conclusions about how they value money. And sometimes those conclusions are dead wrong.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah, I mean, look at Anna Delvey. That's another extreme case, right? Where was it the Faux Heiress or whatever? She went to jail, but she defrauded a lot of people, pretended she was rich. And in that portrayal, you know, wearing the designer clothes and acting like she, you know, was rich and also treating a lot of her friends to these lavish dinners. The friends were having a great time, you know, taking them on vacations and trips. And I think that we can also be falsely misled by the friends who seem to be rich or are rich. You know, we think, like, this is gonna be a better quality friendship. You know, what are some of the, the misperceptions you think that people have about friends with money?
Kristen Wong
People probably have a lot of different, different kinds of assumptions they make about friends who might have money. It maybe just depends on who you are. Like, it's easy to assume they know what they're doing. They have their shit together, you know, like they, they must be making some good choices in their life. And that's not always the case. But I Think it's also very easy, at least for me, to villainize is a strong. But to kind of, I don't know, think that somebody who has a lot of money doesn't share the same values as I do or something like that, you know, That's a good point. Yeah. That they must be kind of greedy or money hungry or very driven by their career and capitalism. And they don't really, you know, they're not like me. They don't, you know, value the same things that I do because they're so driven by money. And that's also just not true. And I'm not saying I actively consciously believe that, but I think sometimes that kind of stuff seeps into our subconscious and we make judgments about people that aren't necessarily true.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. So it sounds like for the relationship, the friendship to work, I'm hearing that it requires a lot of honesty, releasing ourselves of certain assumptions that we are grown up to believe. I mean, it's hard, right? These are hard things to overcome. We tend to personify what money is like. We give it so much power. It's like it's just money. And at the end of the day, we're all people. That's the most important thing. And money doesn't change who we are necessarily, but it can, like amplify who we are. And it sounds like you're also saying, and what you've learned from your reporting is that the values is really what ties the friends together. And you can have shared values even though you might have different paychecks.
Kristen Wong
Yeah.
Farnoosh Tarabi
So, Kristen, were there other factors at play in these friendships that just made the financial dynamics more complex? Whether it's like one friend has more privilege, one friend has just lived a life experiencing more discrimination bias.
Kristen Wong
Yeah. You know, when I talked to Asia Evans, she brought up this topic that when there's some kind of wealth disparity, financial disparity in the friendship, it can point to larger social issues that might be driving that disparity. For example, if you are somebody who, who identifies as non binary or you're trans, you know, you might have added struggles that your cisgender friends might not see. Whether that's like fitting into a traditional workplace, you know, just facing everyday discrimination from a landlord or something like that. And you know, from your friend's perspective, they might see the playing field as being completely level. They might not see these added challenges that exist for you.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Right. My friend who was like, well, I mean, working in finance is just her choice. And if you want to make a lot of money. You just choose to work in finance. And I'm like, that's not so straightforward for everybody. Not everyone can choose to work in finance. I know people who really, really wanted to and then did but then eventually left because they did not feel welcome for a variety of reasons. So it's not. Yeah, I think if that was my friend, I think they we would have a debate and it can be a healthy debate, but it would still be something to bring up. Where are you looking to explore next when it comes to psychology and money? Are you working on anything good right now? Yeah.
Kristen Wong
Thank you. I do have a newsletter that I write semi regularly called Untranslatable and it covers a lot of these topics. It's kind of a personal newsletter, but it's social science focused and I think it covers a lot of the topics that we all and the questions we all struggle with.
Farnoosh Tarabi
All right, we'll make sure to put that link in our show notes. I'll continue following your work and I love all your all your stuff. Thank you for coming on and giving us some insights as also some strategies for how to navigate wealth gaps in your friendship.
Kristen Wong
Yeah, thanks so much. Thanks for having me.
Farnoosh Tarabi
Thanks to Kristin for joining us. I'll provide a link to her New York Times article in our show notes as well as Kristen's substack. I'll see you back here on Friday. We'll be joined by wealth manager and all around good person Georgia Lee Hussey. We'll be talking more about the outcome of this year's election and what it could mean for our wallets. I hope your day is so money you've been waiting all year and the moment is finally here. Bolin Branch is the betting brand for better sleep and their best sale of the year is happening now. Right now you can get 25% off the organic cotton sheets loved by millions of sleepers. They feel breathable, luxuriously soft and get softer with every wash shop. Bowen Branch's cyber event with extended returns for the holiday season. Hurry to bolandbranch.com and use code buttery for 25 off. Everything limited time only exclusions apply. See site for details. This is a mini meditation guided by Bombas.
Kristen Wong
Repeat after me. I'm comfy, I'm cozy.
Farnoosh Tarabi
I have zero blisters on my toes.
Kristen Wong
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Farnoosh Tarabi
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Podcast Summary: So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
Episode 1748: "Friends with Money: Smart Strategies for Managing Wealth Gaps in Friendships"
Release Date: November 13, 2024
In Episode 1748 of So Money with Farnoosh Torabi, host Farnoosh Torabi delves into the often unspoken and complex dynamics of wealth disparities within friendships. Featuring award-winning journalist and author Kristen Wong, the episode explores the emotional and social challenges that arise when friends find themselves on different financial trajectories. Through personal anecdotes, expert insights, and practical strategies, Farnoosh and Kristen offer listeners valuable perspectives on maintaining healthy and equitable friendships despite financial differences.
Farnoosh begins the conversation by sharing her personal experiences growing up in a family with steadily increasing financial stability. She reflects on the subtle tensions that arose when interacting with wealthier families, highlighting how financial obligations and expectations can strain relationships from a young age.
Farnoosh Torabi [05:15]:
"Wealth differences can sometimes create invisible lines that complicate what should be enjoyable moments and lead to feelings of envy, guilt, or imbalance."
This foundational narrative sets the stage for a deeper exploration of how financial disparities influence adult friendships.
Kristen Wong shares her motivation for investigating the topic, emphasizing its ubiquity and the emotional weight it carries.
Kristen Wong [07:23]:
"Money just kind of makes things a lot stickier. Money is a taboo topic, so it's hard to even bring it up."
She discusses common scenarios where financial differences become apparent, such as splitting bills, paying for vacations, or lending money. Kristen underscores that these situations are prevalent across various social circles and can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships.
The conversation delves into the psychology of money and its intersection with self-worth. Kristen references her interview with Asia Evans, a financial therapist, who explains the roots of discomfort when dealing with wealth gaps in friendships.
Asia Evans [Referenced by Kristen Wong]:
"We associate net worth with self-worth and conflate someone's salary with who they are and the measure of who they are as a person."
Kristen elaborates on how these internalized beliefs can lead to feelings of insecurity, guilt, or even envy, complicating the ability to maintain genuine connections.
A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to practical advice on addressing financial disparities within friendships. Kristen emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication as a cornerstone for sustaining healthy relationships.
Kristen Wong [11:31]:
"If you're going to bring something up to your friend, like maybe they haven't paid you enough for the Airbnb you rented together, it's very awkward to bring that up and say, hey, you owe me money. Like, that's just an awkward thing to bring up."
She suggests reframing difficult conversations as opportunities to deepen friendships rather than sources of conflict. Kristen provides actionable tips, such as:
Processing Emotions: Encouraging individuals to reflect on their feelings before addressing financial issues.
Kristen Wong [12:00]:
"Think about the feeling and process it and ask yourself questions like, why am I feeling this way?"
Setting Boundaries: Learning to assertively communicate personal financial limits without guilt.
Kristen Wong [21:20]:
"Set a boundary with you, and, like, I'm not gonna pay for this, or, like, I'm gonna expect you to pitch in with this."
Offering Alternatives: When unable to participate financially in certain activities, suggest cost-effective alternatives to maintain inclusivity.
Kristen Wong [13:40]:
"If you have to turn somebody down or tell them, no, I can't afford to attend your wedding, give them some kind of consolation, like some kind of backup."
These strategies aim to foster mutual understanding and respect within friendships, ensuring that financial differences do not erode the foundation of the relationship.
Farnoosh highlights the evolving cultural attitudes towards money, noting that contemporary platforms like social media and the rise of financial education have made discussing finances more accessible and less stigmatized.
Farnoosh Torabi [14:42]:
"Loud budgeting and social media has actually given a lot of the younger folks a permission slip to speak up about their financial goals."
Kristen agrees, pointing out that increased awareness of income inequality has paved the way for more honest conversations about money within social circles.
Kristen Wong [14:52]:
"Income inequality is just more of a topic now, and people are kind of ready to talk about it."
This cultural shift is portrayed as a positive development, enabling individuals to navigate financial disparities with greater transparency and empathy.
Addressing whether long-term friendships withstand financial changes better than newer ones, Kristen cites examples of friends who have successfully managed wealth gaps over extended periods.
Kristen Wong [24:29]:
"The two women I interviewed, Hilah and Natalie, said that made their friendship work was that they had shared values when it comes to money."
She emphasizes that shared values and mutual respect are critical factors that enable friends to maintain strong bonds despite differing financial situations. These foundational values act as a buffer against potential conflicts arising from wealth disparities.
The discussion also touches upon the misconceptions and stereotypes that often accompany wealth differences in friendships. Kristen warns against making judgments based on someone's financial status, acknowledging that wealth does not inherently equate to personal worth or ethical behavior.
Kristen Wong [27:43]:
"It's easy to assume they have their shit together, but that's not always the case."
She cautions listeners to avoid villainizing friends who may have more money and instead focus on understanding their individual circumstances and choices.
Kristen introduces the concept of intersectionality, discussing how social identities such as gender, race, and sexual orientation can compound financial disparities within friendships. She references Asia Evans' insights on how marginalized groups may face additional challenges that affect their financial standing.
Kristen Wong [29:32]:
"If you identify as non-binary or you're trans, you might have added struggles that your cisgender friends might not see."
This perspective broadens the conversation, highlighting that wealth gaps are often intertwined with social inequalities, necessitating a more nuanced approach to understanding and addressing financial dynamics in friendships.
Farnoosh wraps up the episode by reinforcing the importance of honesty, shared values, and empathetic communication in maintaining friendships across financial divides. Kristen reiterates that overcoming wealth gaps requires self-awareness and a willingness to engage in potentially uncomfortable conversations for the sake of preserving meaningful relationships.
Farnoosh Torabi [28:48]:
"Money doesn't change who we are necessarily, but it can amplify who we are."
The episode concludes with Kristen mentioning her newsletter, Untranslatable, which continues to explore the intricate relationships between psychology and money, inviting listeners to engage further with her work.
Farnoosh Torabi [05:15]:
"Wealth differences can sometimes create invisible lines that complicate what should be enjoyable moments and lead to feelings of envy, guilt, or imbalance."
Kristen Wong [11:31]:
"If you're going to bring something up to your friend, like maybe they haven't paid you enough for the Airbnb you rented together, it's very awkward to bring that up and say, hey, you owe me money."
Asia Evans [Referenced by Kristen Wong]:
"We associate net worth with self-worth and conflate someone's salary with who they are and the measure of who they are as a person."
Kristen Wong [14:52]:
"Income inequality is just more of a topic now, and people are kind of ready to talk about it."
Kristen Wong [24:29]:
"The two women I interviewed, Hilah and Natalie, said that made their friendship work was that they had shared values when it comes to money."
Kristen Wong's New York Times Article:
"Your Friend Has More Money Than You Do. How Can Your Relationship Survive?"
Kristen Wong's Newsletter:
Untranslatable – Exploring social science topics related to psychology and money. Subscribe Here
Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own friendships and consider how financial dynamics may be influencing their relationships. By fostering open dialogue and prioritizing mutual understanding, it's possible to maintain meaningful and equitable friendships despite wealth disparities.