← So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
1774: Rebranding the Stay-at-Home Mom: How to Take a Career Break and Thrive at Home with Neha Ruch
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- [00:00]
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Farnoosh Tarabi
So Money Episode 1774 Rebranding the Stay at Home Mom Taking a career pause without losing yourself or your future with Neha Roosh, author of the Power Pause.
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You're listening to so Money with award winning money guru Farnoosh Tarabi. Each day get a 30 minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers and from Farnoosh yourself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to Sew Money.
- [01:42]
Neha Roosh
Shifting the household income to allow for one partner to be at home because it is something both of you value and respect. In that way, you are now an interdependent household where the partner working out of the home is equally dependent on you for doing the unpaid work of not just taking care of the kids and the laundries and the diapers, but the intellectual and emotional labor that goes into running a household today.
- [02:05]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Welcome to Sew Money everybody. I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. Our guest today says Stay at Home moms deserve a new title. I'm excited to have back Neha Roosh. She is the founder of Mother Untitled and the author of the brand new book the Power Pause. How to Plan a Career Break After Kids and Come Back Stronger than ever. Neha is on a mission to rebrand what it means to be a stay at home mom and to help parents take control of their career breaks with intention.
- [02:32]
Neha Roosh
In our conversation, we talk about how.
- [02:33]
Farnoosh Tarabi
To rethink career pauses not as a step back, but as a powerful opportunity to grow alongside your kids. We also explore how societal perceptions of stay at home parents need a serious refresh. And Neha shares her best advice for navigating this life chapter with purpose, financial security, and a plan for what can come next.
- [02:55]
Neha Roosh
So whether you're thinking about stepping away.
- [02:57]
Farnoosh Tarabi
From work if you're already on a pause, or you're just curious about how to make transitions work for your family, Neha's wisdom is timely. It's relatable. Here we go.
- [03:08]
Neha Roosh
Neha Roosh, welcome back to so Money. Happy New Year. In anticipation of the release of your book, the Power Pause. Welcome.
- [03:17]
Oh, thank you for having me, Furnoosh. It's always a joy.
- [03:20]
Well, last year we're on so Money. It was the spring of 2024. 4. Oh my gosh, is it 2025 already? Like, can we say that out loud? You and I had a really important conversation at the time about this idea, this concept, which is really your book now. It's called the Power how to Plan a Career, Break After Kids and Come Back Stronger Than Ever. You're the founder of Mother Untitled, and in our previous conversation, we were discussing some of the deductive ways that our society characterizes stay at home moms. And you're on a mission to rebrand this role. But I want to start with you, Neha. When someone asks you what do you do as you live in New York? And that always comes up, you can't avoid it. You're just getting an order at Starbucks. You're probably going to get hit with that question. How do you answer it?
- [04:09]
You and I spoke about the fact that that question is the universal stumbling block for anyone transitioning into a career pause or a downshift. And, you know, what do you do? Has come to stand in for who are you? And so I had to really work Smith. My answer when I stepped into a career break and parted with the very pithy title of oh, I run brand at a, at a startup. And suddenly I had to come up with, well, if stay at home mom doesn't quite fit for, for reasons, you know, we've discussed and I get into in the book, then what does. And I got really used to saying, well, right now I get to be with my kids and we'll see what comes next. Or right now I get to be with my kids and I'm working on this project about women and work alongside. It's been really tricky for me as I'm now Ramping up work out of the home on this movement and putting this book out into the world. And the irony has been sort of stumbling over not being able to say, I'm mostly with my kids, but I've still adopted and kept the right now because it reminds people that this is for a chapter and it reminds myself. And I say, I get to work on a book that I'm putting out into the world and we'll see what comes next. And I leave it as that because it both reminds the other person and myself that it's a long game.
- [05:27]
I get to. Which implies that this was a choice, it was conscious, and you're enjoying it some days, maybe most days. What do you say to the woman, though, who doesn't feel like it is her choice? You know, she doesn't get to. She has to.
- [05:43]
I usually like to say I am in those scenarios, right? If. If you're not getting to do this because the privilege of choice, then you are still spending your time in a way that's dignified and so being able to say, I am mostly with my kids, we'll see what comes next. Or I am mostly with my kids and freelancing alongside, I am mostly with my kids and I'm volunteering. You're not limiting yourself by any one title that you're shut into. You're speaking to a chapter, spending your time on other things of meaning and value, and you're staying open to the possibilities that still await you.
- [06:27]
You were recently in an article on Today.com with other mothers who were discussing their dislike of the term stay at home mom that this label, to use your words, you know, limiting what. What got to this point? How did we get to this point where the word term stay at home mom was so triggering, became so triggering?
- [06:49]
Well, if you look back in the 1970s, right, we did such an incredible job with second wave feminism in being able to prove women's capacity in the workforce. And at the same time, we saw the rise of television, the rise of print advertising for vacuums and dishwashers, all selling this idea of life being easier at home. And to sell those ideals and values, we started to see pictures of women in aprons. We saw June Cleaver on the TV screens with Leave it to Beaver. And anyone who was choosing or needing to spend time in the home very quickly became categorized as defending tradition or, you know, with this one static archetype. And still in our research, when polling the general population of America, they will still say June Cleaver is what they think of with the stay at home mother. And when you ask them about the working mother, they'll say, Michelle Obama, right? One is fact and one is fiction. And what it also highlights is that we never updated the perception of women doing work in the home. And the reality, what we know now is that shut in and staying in one place is, yes, implied by sort of the linguistics of the phrase stay at home mother. But it is not true to the reality of American mothers on pause. What we see in reality is that modern women are having children much later, right? They've accrued a lot more education and work experience than the prior generation. They have more equal relationships with their partners. Maybe not perfectly equitable, but we're seeing dads spending three times the amount of time with their kids than any generation prior. We're seeing a boom of freelance and entrepreneurship because women are using digital tools and technologies to stay connected. And so what we're looking at is just a vastly more empowered generation of women who may be making it a choice or needing to make a choice. Right. We'll get into the finances of this, but we're seeing one in three women having to choose to be at home because of the cost of child care. We're seeing men and women step into periods of career breaks, but still growing alongside their kids and really with the intention to return to the workforce. So the goal of this work is to create a much more fluid narrative around the decision to shift your priorities for a chapter.
- [09:23]
Your book is called the Power Pause. I want to understand this emphasis on power a little bit more, what you mean by it. I would think that in order to step into this pause and feel empowered, there is a requirement for a plan. There should be some sort of financial security to, you know, to help you feel like you can sustain this. What else, though? What do you really want us to shift as far as our mindset when it comes to stepping out of the workforce into this role at home? Because so many do feel like it is a step down and it's. It's giving up. And you want us to rethink that with your title. So tell us more about this idea behind the Power Pause.
- [10:07]
You know, we just talked a little bit about the identity, and the reason that I put this book together is exactly what you said. We need a plan and we need a guide to be able to walk through this chapter in our career story. Right? Because it is one chapter of our life with more strategy. And we had yet to see a real roadmap for how to walk through this as A way in which we also are still growing alongside our kids. So you brought up finances is literally the second chapter in the book, because I think it is the foundation of being able to walk through this stage with dignity and with a sense of possibility. I think the first mindset shift is that when you step into a career downshift where you might be parting with your salary, you are still providing value to the household. And in an ideal world, you and your partner are having this conversation three to six months ahead of the actual break with your employer. So, so, ideally, you are creating a budgeting plan in which you are together saying you're shifting the household income to allow for one partner to be at home, because it is something both of you value and respect. In that way, you are now an interdependent household where the partner working out of the home is equally dependent on you for doing the unpaid work of not just taking care of the kids and the laundries and the diapers, but the intellectual and emotional labor that goes into running a household today. Right? Managing doctor's appointments, it's advocating for your child who has diabetes, it's setting up a social web that makes sense for your child's needs and wants, and it's being able to set up your family to thrive, and it's allowing that other partner to single task outside of the home. That singular mindset is incredibly, incredibly important because as you navigate the day to day, and sort of the middle section of the book really relies on also being able to say, I deserve to be whole and healthy and supported during this stage of life. And so, so if we together are creating a budget that allows for this shift in household income, we together are going to budget for other things that allow us both as individual contributors and leaders within this household organization to thrive, and that allows you to be able to get a little bit of help or ask for a little bit more help from your partner so that you can reinvest it back into yourself. And we can talk a little bit more about that. But the fundamental premise is, is that in stepping into a career shift for family life, you're also making room for yourself to develop new goals that are intentional, move yourself forward in small ways, be able to find new ways to nurture your network and discover new interests. And all of that together becomes a non traditional set of experiences that you're adding into your career portfolio and can really shape how you come out the other side.
- [13:05]
And yet, I think that the challenge for some couples is that while the mom is on board and has read the power pause and is ready and willing and has done all the things and has her ducks in a row. Maybe her partner sees money as a source of power and whoever makes it has the veto power in the relationship. I often hear from stay at home moms, they're hesitant to ask for help to invest, actually pay for, you know, a housekeeper to just invest in their own wellness. Anything that would cause departure from their sort of job. Right. And I'm just curious, how much of this do you hear and what's your advice for those couples that are not seeing eye to eye on how this can be a power pause for the both of them?
- [13:54]
Well, we get into this in the book and laying out sort of a series of different scripts and scenarios, but I would say this conversation around what you envision for your family relies on that mindset. And if you're running into hiccups in adopting that mindset, now is the time to work through those hiccups. Because it doesn't quite work unless you're both on board and you're both respecting each other's contribution. And so at that juncture, you might bring in a marital counselor, you might bring in a financial planner to basically chart out and guide you through the planning around the cost of childcare, the cost of other services that support your family. And what you don't want to do is sort of create a line item budget and say, okay, these are all the cat. This is all the cash flow that's going to supporting our household if we outsource it. And now I'm going to become a piggy bank for our family. Because we don't. I think that's where we run into the trap of if I'm not doing paid work, this is my entire value. And now I have to work 247 without breaks. What we want to do is basically, yes, acknowledge that by stepping into more of the family work, you're alleviating the cost of childcare. Absolutely. And you still need to be able to do that with a degree of support to be able to be a healthy and full partner. Right. And so being able to chart it all out in terms of the cash outflow that's going out for outsourcing versus one of you staying in the home is important and valid. But I think if it's getting to that, you also want to be able to have whole and healthy conversations about what will it take to be able to do this in a sustainable way. Because no one person should work 247 without breaks. And our households are best served when both partners are healthy and whole. So what will it realistically take to be able to do that and you want to be budgeting for in advance, some degree of cushions. And we talk through, you know, how we can get into creative forms of child care and planning. But before that, if it looks like you are in a relationship where, you know, it's a much more traditionally minded partner and we are not able to get to a place of agreement, that is where if one partner still wants to take a pause or needs to because of the cost of child care, I do spell out the idea of a postnuptial agreement because I think that while we often fear sort of documenting or betting against our marriage, I think of it more as guardrails to make sure that we're protecting our partnership so that we can both feel safe and secure and then operate in a way that feels healthier and more empowered. And I think the last part of that is if you still feel like your marriage is on the rocks, this is not the time to take a pause from paid work and income. We talk about there being many ways to make room for family life, right? And sometimes it is a full pause, sometimes it is a downshift of working hours, Sometimes it's more boundaries around the work that we do. But. But I think the financial planning piece of this allows us to have a really specific conversation about what can our household afford, what do we equally value, and what might we decide on as an alternative if it's not the right time to take a bus or shift.
- [17:36]
I think we said this last time you were on so money. But this idea that as a woman, my salary is what is the sort of financial equivalent to daycare or childcare? And if I'm making about as much or less than the cost of childcare, well, then what am I doing? I should just be home. I think that is such a fraught mentality where to your point, the childcare is supporting everybody in the household, even the siblings. You know, to be able to have that support allows everyone to function a little bit better, be more productive, make more money. It's an investment for everybody. So thinking about childcare as a cost, a fraction of the cost of the total income in the household, I think is. Is a really important financial mindset. Shift. Your title also uses the word pause, and so is it to suggest that your hope for women is to eventually.
- [18:34]
Anonymous Speaker
Go back into the workforce.
- [18:36]
Neha Roosh
That sort of committing to a life at home, working from within the home, not earning a paycheck, is not your preference or what you're promoting. Why call it a pause?
- [18:52]
90% of women on career breaks in America right now aim to return to the workforce. That's just the reality of the world we're living in is that it's much more fluid and women do aim to stay connected to professional pursuit. We're looking at one in three women working out of the home considering a pause in the next two years, one in two considering a downshift of their hours, and that 90% aiming to return. The goal with the language of pause is to be able to remind people not to count out the stay at home mother that it is not, no decision is forever, and to be able to look at career shifts not as career enders, but rather a chapter where we might be shifting our priorities away from our careers, but that we're making room to grow in other ways that serve us ultimately on return. I do talk about in that last chapter of the book where we talk about sort of prescriptive ways and how to package those non traditional experiences that if you choose to pause your paid work and remain doing the immense work of day to day caregiving, day to day family administration and community building and leadership in your community, that in and of itself is immense work and being able to own that with joy and confidence is a big part of this book. If and when you do choose to return to work on your own terms, potentially in a freelance capacity, potentially in a part time capacity or full time, we also want you to dignify all those non traditional experiences and be able to package them up into a really powerful story.
- [20:39]
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- [22:45]
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- [23:27]
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- [23:28]
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- [24:01]
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- [24:03]
Neha Roosh
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- [24:41]
Neha Roosh
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- [24:43]
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- [25:01]
Neha Roosh
What I really appreciate about your thesis and just all of the advocacy that you do is that it's really encouraging everyone to re examine the pace at which they are working as well. So before we were recording, you and I were talking about the benefits of keeping our businesses a little bit smaller than, you know, idea that we have to necessarily scale and hire. And then it's, you know, there's so many complexities that ensue and do we want that? Right? Let's stop and think about what do we want. And on this podcast, I think maybe accidentally there has become this recurring theme point of discussion around turning to some quietude or slowing down or just shifting a little bit. This idea that you have to keep all these plates spinning at the same time, it's not sustainable. It leads to burnout. We know that and yet intellectually we know this and then actually we don't do anything to counteract it. So I really appreciate this idea of pausing. What would you say to the mom or the dad who says I want to ultimately step out of the workforce for a period of time, but for now I want to find a way to transition to that Point, maybe I have to reduce my hours, maybe I create more boundaries around work and home life. What do you find works?
- [26:21]
Well, and I want to speak to the sort of 50% of our mother entitled community who are in what I call that vast gray area between the black and white ideas of stay at home and working. Right. I met a woman in Dallas, Texas who was still managing through her own complicated feelings around redefining ambition and redefining success and rethinking finances and childcare and her rhythms and routines. And yet she was full time working, but she had elected into a role with less management responsibility. She worked in a consulting firm. And so, you know, based on that hierarchy in her mind, she was demoting herself. And you know, the reframing for her is how do we rethink our sense of ambition during the stage of life where we're getting really intentional about her? What are an ideal day looks like for us in three days? And we're operating towards that. We're making conscious choices and making conscious shifts and planting seeds for what that day looks like. And so if she's saying to herself that she wants more calm and more headspace, which for a lot of parents is really what they want more than the time. They want the ability at 5 o'clock to be able to deal with their third graders math homework without blowing a gasket. Right. And so, you know, there are so many ways in which to go to our employers or seek out certainly freelance and consulting opportunities. But you know, that comes with its own. We can have a separate conversation about that. But I think it's important that in whatever choice we're making, if we're making room for family life by taking a different role within the organization, negotiating a part time role, venturing off into freelance and consulting, it comes with the active choosing of what am I doing this for, what am I focusing on, what does this allow me and what am I letting go of and what am I trusting that I will come back in one year and recalibrate. And I think that's the sort of foundational work that we have to do is really understanding that, you know, this whole idea of having it all, we have to define our all for right now. And going back to our kutai lag about running a small business, I have to define that I always want this to be a small business and it can have big impact and it can allow me to do this work in a way that allows me to be a pickup or allows me the headspace to be able to be with My children from dinner through bedtime, without checking email, without having to deal with managing a staff. But that comes at a cost of when I look around and I look in the comparison game that is social media, I recognize that I'm letting go of some of the sort of big retreats and big ventures that I'm watching other collaborators and partners and thought leaders be able to undertake. But I'm actively choosing and I'm letting myself know that, okay, maybe a year or two years I might come back and re examine it. And that's the work that we all have to do in sort of making conscious choices to make room for other priorities outside of work.
- [29:40]
I like this idea of looking at your career as sort of seasons and chapters. What are you hearing from the employment field, from the workforce? So much of this is also dependent on our employers playing ball, right? Saying, sure, take your time off, take your pause, we'll be here when you're ready to come back. And you know, it's sort of a juxtaposition of like, okay, I'm quote unquote, stepping out. Slowing down is not like a fair term. I feel like you come home and it's like 100 miles per hour. It's actually harder work some days. But again, it's the perception, right, that you're opting out and then you've got this fast paced professional world that's right outside the door. And how do you see employers sort of embracing this power pause concept, this power pause idea?
- [30:29]
We are still at this incredible moment of reexamination. And I think that post pandemic America has allowed us all to come face to face with the reality of family life. When everyone was squashed at home, no one asked what does a stay at home mom do all day? And yet we're not looking at a world where employers, while they are saying, you know, 60% say they're comfortable and are often coming across a resume with a career break listed, they're still not at a place where they're sitting across from the returner and saying, well, tell me about how all those non traditional experiences added to your career portfolio. Right? We are still needing to do a lot of our advocacy. And I will say that in talking to both employers as well as women in the community who have structured part time options, many times it is the returner or the employee who has to come up both with the script and the story, or in the case of those negotiating part time work, a format for how this can all work. So let's take the part Time example, I spoke to this woman, April, lives in Dallas, who structured a two day work week at hsbc. It was unheard of at the time. She called a friend of hers who worked at J.P. morgan, got a template for how that worked and then basically propose that plan to her manager. And I often advise if you're going to be doing that, offer a three month window to basically revisit and constantly recalibrate with your manager on what's working or what's not because then they're able to see it more as a trial period. But there's still a lot of shaping of what this looks like. Another woman, Dara Osman in Westchester, put together a job share package at Viacom with another colleague of hers. But they had to get really creative and really diligent with how that worked. And then for those who are at home, you can see these incredible employers like Janelle Tevez at Bugaboo who really see the value in what was accomplished in the home and really see it not just as oh, that was a lot of hard work with all of those diapers and laundry. They really recognized sort of the incredible time management, leadership training, communication, community building that is that happens in the home and they're able to value that. On the other side, the vast majority of return of HR managers are getting more comfortable and still it is on the returner to craft that story with confidence. Which is obviously why I thought it was so important to have this book and the resource out there for women. But I encourage women to be able to find whatever resource is available to you, whether that's a resume writer, a career coach or free resources like ours to really own that story with confidence.
- [33:31]
You've been sharing your advice, you have these events, you have obviously your book the Power Pause, you have events, you are a prolific writer and I'm I want to share something you wrote which I thought was so resonant on scarymommy.com, one of my favorite websites, despite the fact that it's Scary Mommy, it's actually quite delightful their advice. But you said I was a stay at home mom for five years and these are my five regrets. And you are very honest and open in this and I think one thing that end on this is just that your mom friends are a lifeline. When we think about resources in our lives, friendships are important, particularly during these transition periods. And you said that you were hesitant to engage sometimes because life was messy for you as a stay at home mom. When you think about, you know, your teething kids, the sleepless nights, you know, all of that. What's your advice for women out there who feel alone on this journey, who are pausing but they feel alone? How can they reach out? How can they connect with other people? Whether that's friends, other resources?
- [34:38]
I wish I had known that vulnerability in motherhood. Seeming imperfect and messy is actually a wonderful thing. I talk about in that scary mommy having sort of gone inward for periods where it didn't feel perfect. And the reality is that everyone likes the imperfect friend. And you know, friendships don't have to be for a lifetime, they can be for a season. And sometimes it's just about companionship during a stage of life. There's so much research to say one hour with another mother can really boost your mood for an entire week because it reminds you that it isn't just you. And so if you're seeking out in play spaces or in PTA meetings or in pickup lines, you know, there's so much natural meeting ground for women in motherhood. And I think there's this invisible thread in small talk, right? You can always compliment someone's diaper bag. You can always ask what their kids doing for after school on Thursdays. And if you put yourself out there intentionally, there's a way in which you can just develop that once a week cadence of companionship. And that it's practice, it builds on itself. We have in chapter seven, you know, a series of different ways in which to do that. But I think ultimately the goal really is to be able to give yourself permission to invest in friendships and to know that that one hour a week actually feeds back on your entire family. And whether it's also online during seasons where those relationships are easier to be done virtually texting with friends, finding a small group that you can share ideas with, anything you can do to be able to remember that you're in this stage of life, navigating it, and everyone has their stuff, everyone's making trade offs, everyone kid is drooling and not sleeping. It reminds you that you're moving forward. And I think you can lean on friends in this stage of life, not just for motherhood, but also professionally. Those coffees and those playdates they led from this might have started with nice diaper bag. And they became let's trade ideas. And so that spark for ideas and hobbies can come from anywhere. And so while it's not often thought of this way, I think it's some of the best networking I ever did.
- [37:05]
Yeah, Mother Untitled is the name of your group, your mission, your platform. I wonder if there's like a second iteration of that called Mothers Unite.
- [37:17]
It's amazing how many people get it confused.
- [37:19]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking at the title and I'm like, I feel like the word unite is in it, but not quite. But I get it. I love it. Neha Rouge, thank you so much and congratulations on your new book out everywhere. The Power Pause how to Pause Plan a Career, Break After Kids and Come Back Stronger Than ever. Thank you.
- [37:39]
Thank you Furnish.
- [37:43]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Thanks so much to Neha Rush for joining us. Her book again is called the Power Pause how to Plan a Career Break After Kids and Come Back Stronger. Thanks for tuning in and I hope your day is so Money.
- [38:07]
Neha Roosh
Some things.
- [38:08]
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- [38:37]
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- [39:07]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Com.