← So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
1802: Surviving a Childhood in the Drug Trade—J. Dana Trent on Trauma & Healing
00:40:23
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- [00:00]
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- [01:03]
Farnoosh Torabi
So Money Episode 1802 Reconciling youg Money Trauma After a Childhood Between Two A Conversation with memoirist Dana Trent.
- [01:14]
You're listening to so Money with award winning money guru Farnoosh Torabi. Each day get a 30 minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influen influencers and from Farnoosh herself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to Sew Money.
- [01:40]
Dana Trent
I knew that if I wanted to get healthier, right? And to examine my patterns, especially my money and finance patterns, which we'll talk about. But I needed to do some work. I needed to do some healing. And for me, home was so central because I did grow up in this western Indiana trailer park where we had a drug trafficking business and everything happened in the fiberglass walls of that trailer. And so for me, it was essential to return to the place where the war was and all the violence and all the trauma in order to help recover and heal those battle wounds.
- [02:21]
Farnoosh Torabi
Welcome to so Money everybody. I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. We are in conversation with yet another memoirist today. Turns out when you write a memo and you write about your life, there are a lot of financial gems that come to the surface. And our guest today, Dana Trent, is the author of her memoir called Between Two Trailers. I recently caught Dana on a podcast talking about her life and thought I want to bring her to so Money. The book is a powerful unforgettable memoir about a girl who escapes her childhood as a preschool drug dealer in rural Indiana, only to find that no one can really make it out until they make peace where their story began. Home. Dana is an accomplished professor and award winning spirituality writer, but here she's putting.
- [03:04]
Dana Trent
Her own story to page.
- [03:06]
Farnoosh Torabi
She has a shocking childhood, and it's one you might read about in a novel. Not expecting it from someone with a master's degree from Duke. Dana was only a preschooler the first time she used a razor blade to cut up weed and fill dime bags for her father who was in the drug trafficking business. Dana talks to me about her tumultuous childhood, the financial lessons learned, and why it took her until she was 36 years old to realize that her childhood.
- [03:30]
Dana Trent
Was a little unusual.
- [03:32]
Farnoosh Torabi
Can you imagine never thinking that the terror and trauma she experienced as a young person was worth unpacking? Here's Dana Trent. Dana Trent, welcome to so Money. I'm on a roll here with the memoirists on so Money. I think I'm creating a niche here within. Within our contenting. It's just so fascinating. I think it's. It's. You're fascinating. Your book is fascinating. It's called Between Two Trailers. As I said, it's a memoir and we're here to talk about it. Welcome.
- [04:02]
Dana Trent
Awesome. Thank you, Farnish, for having me. I'm excited for this conversation.
- [04:06]
Farnoosh Torabi
I just discovered you. Although the book came out in April, I was like, I need to get Dana on our show because your life, which is the topic of your memoir, is. And you were saying even before we were recording, like you never really thought about it as being this financial story or this tale of money, trauma, money, the narrative of money just didn't really feel central to you as you were writing. But leave it up to the financial podcasters to siphon that out because I think you were also on Carl Richards podcast 50 Fires, and that's where I discovered you. I thought, oh, my God, this is riveting. So, Dana, maybe you can just open by telling us a little bit about the memoir between two trailers. I'll give us a little bit of a tease based on the press release, which is that it is a powerful, unforgettable memoir about a girl. That's you. Who escapes her childhood as a preschool drug dealer in rural Indiana, only to find that no one can really make it out until they make peace with where their story began. And that is the home. At what point did you realize my life needs to be written about?
- [05:20]
Dana Trent
You know, I did it for myself, it wasn't necessarily for public consumption, but when my parents both died, I was age 36. And it was a wake up call, really. We've never lived in the world without our parents. Even if we were orphaned at a young age. Right. It's still something new to us. And so I knew that if I wanted to get healthier, right, and to examine my patterns, especially my money and finance patterns, which we'll talk about, but I needed to do some work, I needed to do some healing. And for me, home was so central because I did grow up in this western Indiana trailer park where we had a drug trafficking business. And everything happened in the, you know, fiberglass walls of that trailer. And so for me, it was essential to return to the place where the war was and all the violence and all the trauma in order to help recover and heal those battle wounds.
- [06:20]
Farnoosh Torabi
You open the book with this powerful image. You're a preschooler, five years old. Four years old.
- [06:27]
Dana Trent
Yeah, four.
- [06:29]
Farnoosh Torabi
And your father has brought you into the business. He's teaching you how to cut up weed, which, by the way, when you're a little. When you're a little person, your hands are, quote, unquote, perfect for the task, right? What do you feel in that moment? Do you realize that you're participating in a crime? Do you even know? How did that experience, that early adolescence experience shape your understanding of who your family was, how you were surviving, and what it meant to, like, be a part of the family?
- [06:58]
Dana Trent
Yeah, that's a great question. I. I think for me, it was the realization, Even at age 4, I had been expelled from preschool and I came home and my dad sort of dusted his hands and said, well, I might as well train you up. Hustling handed me the razor blade and taught me how to cut weed. And so it was this realization that families are units, whether it's a crime family or a nuclear family. I learned immediately the interdependence of things. And even if my father didn't, like, say it explicitly, the tone, right. The ethos was that I was to be useful, right. He told me, without telling me, that our livelihood and our survival was dependent upon my ability and willingness to be useful. And so the lesson that I learned in that moment is that our survival, quite frankly, our survival in the drug trafficking business was about hustling, right? And for me, that turned out to be all about money because we ran a cash business. And so I began, like, this affection for being useful, a willingness to be needed and feeling energized when Somebody needed me to do a task like my father needed me to do that when I was 4. And then also this sort of obsession with money. Money. This idea of like, you know, we have cash on our countertops and we've got cash taped to the water heater and my father has cash, you know, duct taped to his chest. It's this idea that, you know, we are responsible. And responsibility in our case and our business and in our trailer was hustling. And so I knew that I was an integral player in that game, in that money scheme at age 4 just by using my own two hands.
- [08:46]
Farnoosh Torabi
My gosh. Yeah. What were the feelings that you had around money? What were the feelings expressed around me? I'm just imagining the money all over the trailer.
- [08:56]
Dana Trent
Yeah.
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Farnoosh Torabi
And I think first of all, that's unsafe.
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Dana Trent
Right, Right.
- [09:01]
Farnoosh Torabi
Is there a fear of being robbed? Is there a fear of being found out? Were those fears, did they trickle down to you? I'm sure your parents experience them to some extent.
- [09:12]
Dana Trent
Yes, they did trickle down, absolutely. My father sort of taught me to walk through the world like this, you know, when I was age 4 as well.
- [09:22]
Farnoosh Torabi
Your hands, your fist. Because we're podcasting.
- [09:24]
Dana Trent
Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you, Varnish. Thank you. Exactly. You know, he would say, everyone is your enemy, soldier, and so you are to be alert at all times. And you are. He leveraged my ability to explode. And so he taught me, of course, had to use a razor blade to cut drugs, but he also gave me, you know, a two inch folding pocket knife when I was four. He taught me the value of exploding and street fighting and the idea that, you know, soldier, you're going to get stabbed, but it's no big deal, you'll survive. He used to say that knife fights teach you to accept the inevitable. Right. Which is that you will get stabbed. And he also said that, you know, he didn't like guns because he said a good knife fight hinges on proximity. And so for him, the enemy was always out there. Right. But he always wanted to be prepared for when the enemy was close. And into. Your point about the cash, like, we had cash everywhere. And so I began this sort of lifelong exception, accept, accept, exception, acceptance of cash, but also an obsession to it. Right. My parents took me to see the Color of Money when I was five years old. It's the only movie the three of us ever saw together. So this obsession with ca. Cash and hustling and everyone is your enemy and you have to be able to street fight. Right. And so at an early age, I Began, you know, asking for things like a cash register drawer so I could hoard any cash that I got. I liked money wrappers that I could put coins in, like what you get at the bank. I don't even know if young folks know what those are now. But this obsession with being on guard for my enemies and also this obsession that cash is King, that is the feeling that it left me with.
- [11:15]
Farnoosh Torabi
I know you write, too, about just the volatility of living in your family. So many different types of volatility, but as far as financial volatility, too. And at one point, you and your mom move away and experience bouts of homelessness. I want to explore that in just a moment with you, but you've talked about your parents quite a bit, not so much your mom yet. So I want to just give readers a sense of who your parents, King and Lady were. Your dad worked, as we established, in the drug ring. He was a. Worked for a big drug boss. He was a regional manager for trafficking. For trafficking front. It's called Carnival Captivations. And this was the 80s, right? So it was like.
- [11:56]
Dana Trent
Right.
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Farnoosh Torabi
It was, you know, we know what's going on nationally in our country. A lot of the drug epidemic. Everyone called him King. He. Right. He was capable but troubled, and he struggled with unmedicated psychosis. Your mother also, who was known as lady, also suffered from mental illness. She had personality disorders. And you write, quote, I was holed up with her and King all the time, a witness to their moods and reclusiveness, their isolation galvanized by depression and the drug business. How did you ultimately learn to make peace or work through the trauma of being their daughter? When did you recognize, like, oh, we are a problematic family and I am stuck with them?
- [12:45]
Dana Trent
Yes, yes, absolutely. I did not realize it until I was 36 and I was sitting. Yeah, yeah. And I'm 43 now, so that's seven years ago. I was sitting with some editors and we were pitching some stories for some articles, op eds. And I was talking about how the drug business is often run like a religion. And the editor said, ooh, you know, say more about that, but tell me your evidence. Right, for this. And so I told him the backstory and he's like, you know, this isn't normal. Right. Like, people don't grow up in drug trafficking families and know the ins and outs of this and survive and get to college and hold down jobs, especially when your parents are mentally ill. Like, all these adverse childhood experiences, we call them aces, you know, they. Your outcomes in adult Life are not great, right? Your health outcomes, they lead to exponential stress and exponentially. Your poor outcomes come out when it comes to heart attacks and strokes.
- [13:46]
Farnoosh Torabi
And you didn't realize this. You thought you were the norm.
- [13:49]
Dana Trent
Totally. I never had a willingness to examine my parents for their flaws, right. And what they did wrong and that the trauma that they called. I was completely unwilling to, to figure to see that, right? Some, at some point I did a bit more on my father's side because my mother was so adamant that he was such a terrible person. And so I pushed him a bit away. But I never understood the circumstances that put me in. But here's the, here's the thing, like furnish, we know this trauma always bubbles up no matter what, right? We can't leave it to fester because it infects our whole being. And so for me, you know, food scarcity turned into disordered eating turns into food addiction because it's all about control, right? Or my interdependence that we talked about in the drug business. This family unit turns into codependent or enmeshment. And so it takes so much energy and time and effort and resources to untangle all of this. But at age 36, when my parents died, I was left with a choice. You know, I could, I could be me. I didn't have to be King's, you know, drug dealing preschooler daughter or my mother's very polite sort of servant daughter. I could be Dana. But to tell you the truth, Varnish, I didn't know who that was. Like, I didn't know what my identity was. And so it took process and it took progress. But it was really in those early years after their death that I could, I could choose peace, right? I could choose to be better. I could choose peace. And it takes far more work to choose peace. But that was really when it shifted for me when they both were, had, had gone on, had died. And it afforded me a different kind of relationship with them that wasn't possible when they were living.
- [15:44]
Farnoosh Torabi
Wow. So fascinating. So I wanted to go back a little bit and understand, you know, as you mentioned, you went to Duke University. You have sort of a life that resembles like a well adjusted woman, you know, from the outside. Maybe you're maintaining a relationship with your parents all this time. What was your adult relationship with them versus like your childhood relationship with them? And was there ever any acknowledgement from on their part of like, you know, we were an eccentric family and you were forced to grow up really fast. Was there any ownership of their actions and how it may have impacted you.
- [16:25]
Dana Trent
Or any recognition of that, not explicitly. And the reason for that is my father was schizophrenic. My mother had borderline personality disorder and a couple of other diagnoses as well. They met in a locked psychiatric ward in Cincinnati, Ohio in the late 70s. They didn't have, they didn't have the capacity for self awareness. It just, it just was missing. Right. And we see that so many times with folks who are struggling with severe mental health. I mean we're talking, you know, on a scale of 1 to 10, 12 on the mental health scale, you know, not, not functioning at all. No sort of semblance of a normal life. And so they just weren't capable. And so what it looked like in adult life, even at Duke, even after, in my first years of marriage, was this like sort of ping pong and whack, a mole back and forth between the two of them. Kind of like a midfielder. I was always trying to please one of them at the cost of the other. Right. That sort of started at that age 4, becoming my father's helper and an eagerness to please and help and be useful. And so my mother always used to say, Dana, the world owes you nothing. You owe the world everything. And by the world she meant her. And so for both of them it was this pink ponging back and forth of trying to be the daughter that each of them wanted and needed.
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- [21:06]
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- [21:26]
Farnoosh Torabi
At one point in your childhood your mom leaves, your dad takes you with her and this was unstable. Yeah, more unstable in the sense that I read you experience homelessness from time to time. Can you take us back to that period of your life and what's a standout memory from it? Later, I also want to find out, did you think that you were a stabilizer for your parents? I feel like, you know, who would have they been without you?
- [21:53]
Dana Trent
Oh, wow. Oh, I've never been asked that question. That's a fascinating question. Yeah, I'll have. I'll have to think on that.
- [22:00]
Farnoosh Torabi
Okay, so let's. Let's put that to the side.
- [22:02]
Dana Trent
Yeah, Yeah. I love that. I love that.
- [22:04]
Farnoosh Torabi
Take us to North Carolina.
- [22:06]
Dana Trent
Oh, yes. Okay. North Carolina. So we had some experiences with, like, the hotel motel life before North Carolina. When I was age 4, my parents took me to the Renato Inn, which we all call Naughty Renati because it was one of those motels where you paid by the hour and you paid cash, you know, and it opened up to the highway, and it was just. It was a mess. But what I learned from that experience plays into the homelessness experience in that hotel with my parents. I was four, same age as the drug trafficking age. And I learned to wash my. My own hair in the shower of that very dirty motel room that had, like, blood stains, towels, you know? And so what I learned from that motel experience was this sense of independence, right? Of teaching myself to do new things in this new environment, which as a child, I thought was really fun and imaginative. You know, Like, I used to take the glass ashtrays. We don't have those anymore, but play waitress with them and find all kinds of ways to entertain myself, myself, myself in a motel room. And so fast forward, when we are homeless again and living in a motel, a sort of a Holiday Inn. So a bit of an upgrade. But I would entertain myself by walking myself to the pool. And I was 6, I would play waitress. It's this idea of, like, this is children's superpower, right? Because, of course, the adults are worried about being homeless. They absolutely should. It's a. It's a terrible feeling to be homeless or to not have affordable housing, let's just say even. But children have this amazing superpower to create a situation and use their imagination to almost take a lesson from it. And so for me, the lesson on homelessness was that I can survive in. In the. I can adapt, right? In any setting, in any home you place me in, I can make it a home. And so. And that still rings true today. You know, no matter where I am, I can always sort of. My husband calls it nesting. He's like you like to nest and sort of make this your home. I was like, yes, yes. No matter where we are, whether it' camping or I love to stay in hotels now. I feel very comfortable in these little sort of cozy compartments where I can make a nest. And so for me, that was sort of the takeaway of homelessness. Now, as you're an adult, it's a terrible feeling and so we don't want to diminish that at all. But this is the power superpower of children. They're resilient.
- [24:33]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yes. And as I'm hearing you, I think what it's really showing is that kids are, they're survivors. They have this instinct. I mean, we're, we're humans, we're, we're built to survive, you know, and so that instinct is in us at a very. From birth. And for you though, it was like on hyperdrive, probably.
- [24:56]
Dana Trent
Yes, yes. Which leads to hustling non stop. Like survival mode is hustling.
- [25:04]
Farnoosh Torabi
So what did you hustle? How did you hustle?
- [25:06]
Dana Trent
Yes. So hustling started for me at age 14. I got a work permit in the state of North Carolina, which you cannot work unless you have one of these. And I started bagging groceries at Winn Dixie my freshman year of high school. I worked every Saturday. And so it was, for me, it was like I was obsessed with having my own money and my own cash. And so then that turned into babysitting and lifeguarding. And in college, I cleaned houses for a living. Clean, filthy houses. And so while my peers were kind of going out and spending money and having fun and buying clothes, you know, I was getting hand me downs from friends at college to where as my clothes, I was cleaning houses. I was an Avon sales rep, I was a bear girl at a country club, you know, like a realtor. Like anything I could do to make me have control and feel like I was surviving and that I could be resilient when no one back home, I never got an allowance. Right. Like that wasn't a thing. And so having my own money gave me that sense of survival and independence.
- [26:13]
Farnoosh Torabi
It was your oxygen. It was your oxygen. You could not sit still.
- [26:17]
Dana Trent
Yes. Oh, that's so well said, Farnish. Yes. It was my oxygen. Yeah, totally.
- [26:23]
Farnoosh Torabi
I mean, on a smaller scale, I didn't have. I had Iranian immigrant parents and they were very unstable in the beginning of their marriage. And I was an only child. Growing up amidst that, a lot of turbulence, a lot of financial turbulence, a lot of marital turbulence. We moved a lot. I grew up really fast. In that environment. And as you're speaking, I just think your story is going to hit home for so many people because, like, this idea, just having to survive emotionally on your own because maybe your parents aren't emotionally mature. Maybe they're still figuring their stuff out and they are raising you, but not really, you know, in the way that kids need attention. Kids need emotional support. In some ways, it becomes this. This gift that you wish you got in a different way, but here it is. Is how has this been a gift to you in some way in your adult life? You know, and then I'll talk about the gift you gave your parents for being their daughter, for crying out loud. You know what I mean? You didn't rat them out, first of all.
- [27:26]
Dana Trent
That's true. I'm ratting them out now. But, yes, you're right. My father would be like, no, actually, he'd be very happy to be the center of attention, for sure. Yeah. But, yes, but I think you have said it so many different ways on this podcast and in interviews that you have done. It's like fear is a motivator towards success. You know, like, it. It is for better or worse. Like, if you have scarcity, it can swing the other side, right? And you have too much scarcity, such that you're holding on too tightly and you're not generous and you're obsessed with money. But it is like this motivator. It is oxygen. You said that so well. And for me, that. That was absolutely true. It still shows up for me today. I have four jobs, which is ridiculous. I don't need four jobs, but I've got one full time and three, you know, like, because I have a fear. I have a fear of things not working out or. My mother went bankrupt later on because my father said, cash is king. Cash is blunt. It barks your worth. But my mother said cash is trash, Right? So she put everything on a credit card. So it's all these, like, embedded financial patterns from childhood that show up in adulthood. So I really have to catch myself when I go to that scarcity mentality, especially when it comes to buying food, sharing resources, and slowing down and relishing the moment and being present instead of always trying to hustle.
- [28:56]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yes. Wow. All right. Well, I said I was going to ask it, so let's maybe think about the. The gifts that you gave your parents. I mean, it's. If I had to venture to guess, I mean, like a lot of parents, I think their children are anchors. They ground them. They give them a different sense of Purpose. I feel like may were also moral support for them, especially your mom, since it was like just the two of you for a while there and as you were traveling.
- [29:27]
Dana Trent
Yeah, no, I think you're right. Because even at a young age, my mother started calling me Revy R E B Y, which was short for Reverend. So she really wanted a pastor. You know, someone. Someone who would be her listener, who might. Could give some advice, who could hold space for her heartache, and also someone who would meet her needs. You know, she. She. She taught me to anticipate needs, to use her words. And so that was sort of my mom's side of it and my dad's side. I do think I was an anchor, you know, I was his only child. He never remarried. My mother never remarried either. And I do, you know, he was. He. I think I was more important to him than I realized, you know, but when you're a kid and your parents get divorced, there's rejection tangled up in those spaghetti strands, right? Like, it's so complicated because you, you, you know, your parents, you know it's not your fault, but you still think it is. You know, it's that rejection, it's that fear of abandonment. So again, for me, like, it turned into this, how can I help you? How can I be useful? How can I meet your needs so that you don't drop me off at the fire department, right, and leave me and abandon me for good? So, yeah, I think you're right. I mean, I do think I met an unmet need for each of them. And I never thought about being their stabilizer. Like, that's a really interesting idea of if, If I weren't here, what would have happened, you know, to them? Long term? Yeah.
- [30:58]
Farnoosh Torabi
I had a session with an astrologer once. I think I was just in a desperate place. I really am not religious. I'm not. And there's a point to this story. But. And I'm not, like, not woo woo. I don't have like a. But I think in everyone's life, like, you got to hold on. You have to have faith, right? You have to. It helps to, like, sort of believe in something that gives you faith, right. In whatever you're tackling with. And so in my personal life, you know, I was struggling. I am struggling a little bit with my son's ADHD and just being able to show up for him. And I was like, I'm at. I've read all the books. I don't know. So my friend said, you should talk to an astrologer and have him chart. Do his birth chart and your birth chart, and they can sort of see, maybe he can find out a little bit more about your son and how you can show up better for him, blah, blah, blah. So it was interesting. I don't know if I. I bought all of the feedback from this astrologer, but one thing he said, which I thought was pretty controversial, but I would love your thoughts on this, is that he said, when children are born, it's not a coincidence who their parents are. It is meant to be. You get the parents you're supposed to get. And I find that really troubling because there are some children who I would not want them to have the parents they have for a host of reasons. There are people who are not equipped to be parents.
- [32:23]
Dana Trent
Exactly.
- [32:23]
Farnoosh Torabi
Who should never have children. But your story is like, kind of an example to me of just like, it can still work out even if you don't get, like, the beavers aren't your parents. And other. That's, like, perfect either. But, you know, you don't have, like, this sort of quintessential nuclear family, financial stability, economic security, emotional security. Like, things were rocky. A lot, to say the least, in your upbringing, and yet you've managed to, like, reconcile. And not only that, but become someone who can now teach and share others. What you've learned, like, you're giving this gift to others. What do you think? Do you think that you were supposed to have the parents that you did?
- [33:04]
Dana Trent
Oh, gosh, I agree with you, Farnish. This is. That's a complicated thing to say, right?
- [33:08]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yeah.
- [33:09]
Dana Trent
It's fate. It's destiny. I teach critical thinking, but I love astrology, right? Because it's fun and it's mystic. And so it is a. It is an interesting puzzle. It's an interesting riddle and sort of the idea, right? And I hope you took comfort for this as a parent. I hope I'm holding that with you, because that would be hard to hear, is that, you know, nothing is. Nothing is all good or all bad, right? Nothing is binary. Nothing is. Is evil or all good all the time, right? It's all these nuances. And we are all the amalgamation or the alchemy of our parents, our experiences, our community, our circumstances, our. Surround all of it, right? It's a beautiful, beautiful alchemy. And so I think I take comfort in that, is that if we are, as this astrologist said, if we are given the accident of birth and it's the parents that we are supposed to have, right? Accident or no accident, Then how do we make that amalgamation? Right? How do we take the best traits of our parents or our grandparents or our community and internalize them so that we can then in turn, be our best selves or our healthiest selves? And so for me, that's sort of what I would reflect on if I had heard that as a parent, and that's what I reflect on as I'm hearing it as an adult child, is that what are. What are the best traits of my parents? What advice did they give that was actually useful? Right? What. What things did they say or do that were funny, joyful, that I really miss? And that, for me, is also healing and recovery from trauma that helps my healing?
- [34:57]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yes. Yes. And also, I think when you get older, to recognize in the ways that your parents did show up for you or what you learned, and also how to complete that amalgamation externally. So I got X, Y and Z from my parents, but we were lacking in these areas. So I'm gonna now go look consciously and proactively for these experiences, these relationships that will feed these areas in my life that are lacking, which. Which maybe brings us to Duke University, where, you know, so many of our lives. If we did go to college, I think college is very formative. How did you end up at Duke? And I'm curious, did you benefit from any resources, support? How did you work through college? What was your relationship to your parents, too, at this time? And how is that impacting experience in school?
- [35:49]
Dana Trent
Going to Duke was the happiest I've ever seen my parents.
- [35:53]
Farnoosh Torabi
Really?
- [35:54]
Dana Trent
They were so proud.
- [35:56]
Farnoosh Torabi
They were so proud, right?
- [35:58]
Dana Trent
Oh, my gosh. They were over the moon. And. And I was over the moon. I had wanted to, you know, when I was little and we were in this Indiana trailer, my mother would cross stitch, you know, the shield, the crest of Duke, and the motto, right? Eruditio e religio. And. And so they were obsessed with Duke. And my older brother went to Duke. He's from my mother's first marriage. And so this was this sort of legacy, right, to carry on my older brother's work and to also do my parents proud. And so I don't think that ever seen them happier than when I got into Duke. And when I was at Duke now, I was not happy. Duke was so hard. It was ridiculously hard. And I always felt behind going back to the hustle, right? You gotta move, you gotta chase, you gotta do it again. Use the fear to succeed. And so stay busy, stay alive, get it done. And so Duke was. I always felt Inferior. I always felt like I was never smart enough. I did not know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was studying. It was wild. But, you know, here's the lesson that you learn from Duke, right? Is that it's a community in which everyone, honestly is struggling, completely struggling, because everyone at Duke has got their growth edges and things that they are working on. And Duke in and of itself is this melting pot of amazing students who are brilliant and smart. But that pot boils over very frequently with tons of stress and unrealistic expectations. And so I think for me, Duke was just about survival. I always repeated the mantra to myself that I tell my students now. You know, seize get degrees. Cs get degrees. You know, the time is going to pass, so you might as well have something to show from it. And whether that is a, you know, a job training certificate or associate's degree from your local community college or it's Duke University, you know, get it done, get in, get out, and grace yourself. Be gentle, because when you leave, no one can take that piece of paper from you. It is yours to keep and you.
- [38:13]
Farnoosh Torabi
Will have it forever and no one will ask you for your gpa.
- [38:17]
Dana Trent
You got it? C's get degrees.
- [38:19]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yes. I wish I had been. We will. There was a little bit of a higher stakes for me. I had to. I had a scholarship and if I didn't get a certain. Yeah, it wasn't full, but it was. It would have been embarrassing to lose that scholarship. And not great financially, but.
- [38:33]
Dana Trent
Right.
- [38:34]
Farnoosh Torabi
And I got close to losing that scholarship because I got to college, you know, and I was all very busy being high school. I think that college was. I just wanted to. I had a hard time balancing the fun with the book focus on the academics. And I think I took for granted, like, I thought I could just breeze through some of these classes and not have to study. And I did. And I did not do well on these multiple choice tests. It got pretty like, yeah, I got a letter the first semester, like, but, you know, it's okay. You're right. You say everyone is struggling in college. Everybody, whether you're at Harvard or community college, everybody is going through their own thing.
- [39:13]
Dana Trent
Yes.
- [39:13]
Farnoosh Torabi
And when I gave myself permission to slow down in college, I was like you. All these different jobs, all these credits. I just was on 120 mph treadmill. And once I said, you know, I'm just going to take the minimum credits, I'm going to drop the jobs and let's see what happens. Well, my skin Cleared up. My friendships grew stronger, my grades got better, and I no longer thought about transferring out. I thought the problem was the school. It was me. It was me. Yeah. And I think that's a lesson for everybody. Like, when you're burned out, sometimes it's not your environment, it's you. It's you. It's how you're showing up.
- [39:54]
Dana Trent
Yes, that's right. And if you can find those little. I love that story. Because if you can find those bits of agency, right? Something that is within your control to change, like maybe dropping a job or dropping a class, that is so empowering. Right. You can find it.
- [40:11]
That's.
- [40:11]
I think the big stumbling block for people is that they can't find the spaces in their lives where they have some kind of agency.
- [40:18]
Farnoosh Torabi
I do that all day. I love it. These are my breakthroughs all day. Like yesterday, I was stressing because I had to. I was like, okay, I have to do this workshop. And I always do it the same way. I got all these slides, and the slides take forever to make. And I try to make them really cute and special and different. And I said, why do I have to do it that way? This time I can just. Maybe I'll bring on a guest and we'll just do a 6, 60 minute, like, Q& A, open it up to the audience. And that way we don't have to do as many slides. I don't have to be so super prepared. And I. And I was like, I forgot. I can give myself permission to do that. No one is keeping tabs.
- [40:58]
Dana Trent
Yeah.
- [40:58]
Farnoosh Torabi
No one is scoring Farnoosh on how she's doing these workshops. Agency is so, so important. We get so stuck on a formula.
- [41:07]
Dana Trent
Yes.
- [41:08]
Farnoosh Torabi
And a rigidness to our own detriment. To close out here. You write in your preface, herein is a true story, one that is at its best when uncovering healing in the very places where violence thrives. And you dedicate your book to anyone who thinks they can't go home. So many of us, right? And home is a metaphor, right? It's just your. Your history, your background, your people from when you grow up, your people, places. What has been the greatest gift and reward for you? Unpacking your past at 36 years old.
- [41:44]
Dana Trent
I think it. It really is kind of speaking to exactly what you just said. It's that agency. It's the idea that we can shape who we are. Right. If we are willing to do the hard stuff. Right? Which is, for me, it was going home. And home is a metaphor. Or it's a little literal place for a lot of people. If we are willing to face the trauma, if we're willing to examine the patterns, if we're willing to look at the ways in which, you know, we are working against ourselves, right, which you just were talking about, then the reward is in being healthier. And when we are healthier, we're more at peace. We can be better community members, we can be more generous, we can make better decisions from sort of a position of critical thinking rather than a position of trauma, which isn't our clearest, best thinking. And it's certainly not our clearest and best selves. And so my advice is always for people that if you are willing to go home, right, if you're willing to do this work, surround yourself with some kind of support system, whether it's a teacher who's encouraging a neighbor, if you can afford to do therapy, engaging in therapy, finding some resources at your library, whatever it is, surrounding yourself with like scaffolding, I call it self help scaffolding, right. That will empower you to do this hard work and will shore you up on days where it just feels impossible. And you do that day in, day out. You make the decision every morning that you're going to face the hard work. And the reward is in the rediscovery, right? It's rediscovering who you are at your best because you are not your past. You can make a decision today to be different and to be whole and to be healed.
- [43:39]
Farnoosh Torabi
Dana Trent, thank you. Your book is Between Two A Memoir. My new favorite genre of books and my newest favoriteist, financial expert. Did you know that you like, you're kind of a financial expert at this point.
- [43:53]
Dana Trent
Oh my gosh, this is amazing.
- [43:58]
Farnoosh Torabi
If you have life experiences, if you, if you've lived, you've learned, you've taught, you know what, you're just as good as a lot of the experts out there. Dana Trent, thank you and congrats.
- [44:08]
Dana Trent
Oh, nevertheless, thank you, Farnoosh. Thank you so much for having me and thank you for, for making my week. I'm going to be walking on air thinking that I'm a financial expert out here in the world.
- [44:19]
Farnoosh Torabi
Adding it to your LinkedIn profile too sweet. Yes, I love it.
- [44:23]
Dana Trent
Thank you Farnish for having me. This is wonderful.
- [44:28]
Farnoosh Torabi
Thank you to Dana Trent for joining us. You will definitely want to pick up her book. It's called Between Two Trailers. Available everywhere. I hope your day is so money.
- [44:50]
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Dana Trent
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Dana Trent
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Dana Trent
Whoa, easy there.
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Dana Trent
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Dana Trent
Race the rudders. Raise the sails. Race the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger. Wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution?
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