So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
Episode 1813: Affording Parenthood: Exploring the True Cost of Raising Children
Release Date: April 14, 2025

Introduction

In Episode 1813 of So Money with Farnoosh Torabi, host Farnoosh Torabi delves into the intricate and often daunting financial, emotional, and societal aspects of parenthood. She is joined by Ruthie Ackerman, an accomplished writer and journalist, to discuss her memoir, The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths that Shape Us. This episode provides a candid exploration of the true costs of raising children, the pressures women face regarding motherhood, and the delicate balance between personal happiness and financial stability.

Ruthie Ackerman's Journey to Motherhood

[04:23] Ruthie Ackerman:
"I spent my whole life questioning what motherhood could look like... seeing my own mother, my friends, mothers, the moms I saw on TV didn't look like any of them were having any fun."

Ruthie Ackerman opens up about her lifelong struggle with the concept of motherhood, influenced by family history and societal expectations. Growing up hearing stories of her great grandmother and grandmother abandoning their children left her with a heavy generational inheritance, questioning whether motherhood was even a viable path for personal happiness and fulfillment.

Emotional and Societal Pressures

[07:56] Ruthie Ackerman:
"Motherhood needs to be this selfless, painful, compromising thing? Can we have motherhood and a good time? Can we have motherhood and still keep our identities?"

Ruthie challenges traditional narratives surrounding motherhood, questioning the necessity of self-sacrifice and loss of identity. She explores the possibility of redefining motherhood as a radical act of self-love and empowerment, advocating for a version of parenthood that allows women to maintain their identities and pursue personal happiness.

Financial Realities of Parenthood

[15:04] Ruthie Ackerman:
"Thawing my eggs was another... ultimately we used donor eggs, which was another almost $50,000. So that one year basically all of the money that I had in the bank from that felt like our apartment went to that."

Ruthie delves into the substantial financial burdens associated with fertility treatments and raising a child. She shares her personal experiences with egg freezing, IVF, and the eventual use of donor eggs, highlighting the precarious financial decisions she had to make. The episode underscores how economic stability is often overlooked in discussions about parenthood.

Redefining Motherhood and Personal Choices

[09:53] Ruthie Ackerman:
"Is it only when we don't have children that we're saying fuck you to the patriarchy, or can we have children and be mothers and do it differently?"

Ruthie discusses the concept of "outlaw motherhood," presenting childlessness not as the sole form of resistance against patriarchal expectations. Instead, she advocates for a redefined motherhood that defies traditional roles and allows women to choose how they want to parent, blending personal fulfillment with the responsibilities of raising a child.

Balancing Personal Happiness and Financial Stability

[22:19] Ruthie Ackerman:
"I don't regret having done it. Even though the eggs didn't end up being viable and the IVF rounds failed... What I know now, I still would have done it."

Balancing the desire for motherhood with financial constraints is a central theme. Ruthie emphasizes the importance of weighing personal happiness against financial feasibility, sharing her own limits in terms of how much debt she was willing to incur. Her journey illustrates the difficult decisions many women face in pursuing parenthood without compromising their financial well-being.

Life as a Mother and Dispelled Myths

[24:38] Ruthie Ackerman:
"The idea of losing my identity, not being able to do anything else with my time... I've been pleasantly surprised that those parts of me are still there."

Contrary to widespread myths, Ruthie shares her positive experiences of maintaining her identity and passion for writing after becoming a mother. She highlights the joy and fulfillment that parenthood can bring, especially when coupled with financial stability, dispelling the notion that motherhood inherently leads to the loss of personal aspirations and happiness.

Career Insights and Financial Advice

[29:46] Ruthie Ackerman:
"The importance of establishing your own voice and putting your own flag down... diversify your career portfolio as well."

Ruthie offers valuable advice to aspiring creatives and professionals, emphasizing the need to build a personal brand and diversify career paths. Drawing from her own experiences, she underscores the significance of financial independence and strategic career moves in achieving both professional success and personal fulfillment.

Overcoming Financial Hurdles in Creative Careers

[32:51] Ruthie Ackerman:
"I did all the wrong financial things. Give yourself more credit."

Reflecting on her early career, Ruthie admits to financial missteps but stresses the importance of self-confidence and resilience. She highlights how unexpected opportunities, such as keeping part of a book deal's advance, can provide crucial financial support during challenging times, reinforcing the idea that persistence and adaptability are key to overcoming financial obstacles in creative fields.

Conclusion

Farnoosh Torabi and Ruthie Ackerman wrap up the episode by emphasizing the non-linear paths to success and fulfillment. Ruthie's story serves as an inspiration for women navigating the complexities of motherhood, career, and financial planning. Her candid reflections offer a roadmap for balancing personal desires with practical considerations, encouraging listeners to redefine traditional narratives and pursue their own versions of happiness and stability.

Notable Quotes:

• Ruthie Ackerman [04:23]: "I spent my whole life questioning what motherhood could look like."
• Ruthie Ackerman [07:56]: "Can we have motherhood and a good time? Can we have motherhood and still keep our identities?"
• Ruthie Ackerman [15:04]: "That one year basically all of the money that I had in the bank from that felt like our apartment went to that."
• Ruthie Ackerman [22:19]: "I don't regret having done it."
• Ruthie Ackerman [24:38]: "I've been pleasantly surprised that those parts of me are still there."
• Ruthie Ackerman [29:46]: "The importance of establishing your own voice and putting your own flag down."
• Ruthie Ackerman [32:51]: "I did all the wrong financial things. Give yourself more credit."

Final Thoughts

Episode 1813 of So Money with Farnoosh Torabi offers a profound exploration of the multifaceted journey to parenthood. Through Ruthie Ackerman's personal narrative, listeners gain insight into the emotional and financial challenges of raising children, the societal pressures faced by women, and the empowering possibilities of redefining motherhood on one's own terms. This episode is a must-listen for anyone contemplating parenthood or seeking to understand the deeper costs and rewards associated with it.