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- [00:01]
Capital One Advertiser
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Farnoosh Tarabi
Hey, this.
- [00:33]
Is Farnoosh Tarabi from the Sew Money podcast. Running a business means wearing a lot of hats, but ordering supplies shouldn't be.
- [00:40]
One of the ones you don't like.
- [00:42]
Walmart Business helps organizations like yours save time, money and the headache of managing purchases. From office essentials to bulk break room.
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Nicole Stanley
Snacks, it's all in one place.
- [00:52]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Online, in store, or right in their app store. Sign up for free@business.walmart.com and get back to what really matters.
- [01:00]
Nicole Stanley
Running your business Putting off that dream trip because you're nervous about not speaking the language? Don't sweat it. Babbel's got your back. I've been brushing up on my French with Babbel Oui Francais, and I love how quickly it's getting me speaking with confidence. The lessons are short, practical and tailored to real life conversations so you can actually talk about things that matter, like ordering that must have pastry at a Parisian cafe, which gives me a lot of anxiety. But I've been practicing. Babbel's lessons are crafted by over 200 language experts and they use real native speakers, not robots, to help you sound authentic. Plus, their speech recognition tool makes sure you're nailing the pronunciation. And here's something that really impressed me. Studies from Yale, Michigan State and other leading universities continue to prove Babbel works. One study found that using babbel for just 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college with over a dozen languages and bite sized lessons you can do in just 10 to 15 minutes a day. Learning a new language has never been more doable. So here's the deal. I want you to learn another language. So I'm teaming up with Babel to gift you 55% off subscriptions, but only for so Money listeners go to babbel.com somoney that's spelled B A B B E L.com somoney rules and restrictions may apply.
- [02:18]
Farnoosh Tarabi
So Money episode 1841 rethinking money for.
- [02:21]
Nicole Stanley
The ADHD brain you're listening to so.
- [02:25]
Capital One Advertiser
Money with award winning money guru Farnoosh Torabi. Each day get a minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers and from farnouche yourself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to so Money.
- [02:51]
Nicole Stanley
Part of what's cool with ADHD is that it's not that you don't have focus, it's that you sometimes struggle to regulate the amount of focus that you give certain things. And so for me, when I learned about personal finance and I was like, oh my gosh, I can choose to retire at 45. I'm gonna make this my entire life's purpose for the next 10 years. Like, I really went through a time of hyper focus on personal finance. And I think some of that was because the advice that I was getting in terms of budgeting, in terms of just don't like slap on the wrist, like all of these different old or traditional financial advice practices, they just weren't sticking with me. But I was so motivated by the carrot at the end of it that I was like, I'll just come up with something different. I'll just come up with something different and okay, that doesn't work great. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to try it a different way.
- [03:44]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Welcome to Sew Money, everyone. I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. Over the last several years, our family has become well acquainted with ADHD, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Our son, who is almost 11, is living with it. And it. It is an area of neuroscience that has a lot of answers, but also a lot of questions. And today we're focusing on ADHD at the intersection of our financial lives. There are many of us out there living with ADHD or undiagnosed, and maybe we feel like traditional money advice just doesn't stick or that budgeting feels like an endless game of trial and error. Joining us is Nicole Stanley. She's the founder of Arise Financial Coaching, a money coach who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. And that diagnosis reshaped her understanding of not just herself, but how she managed her money and how she now helps.
- [04:35]
Nicole Stanley
Others do the same.
- [04:37]
Farnoosh Tarabi
This conversation is deeply personal and very practical. We talk about how ADHD shapes our early money behaviors, why typical budgeting tools don't usually work with folks who are neurodivergent, and how Nicole herself built systems rooted in self, compassion, automation, and yes, dopamine. Whether you've been diagnosed with adhd, you suspect it or simply feel like the standard personal finance advice doesn't work. This episode offers a roadmap to creating a financial life that feels not just doable, but winnable. Let's get into it. Nicole Stanley welcome back to so Money Varnish.
- [05:16]
Nicole Stanley
I am so excited to be here.
- [05:18]
Farnoosh Tarabi
As a money coach, founder of Arise Financial Coaching. You're one of our favorites around here. You have so much good advice, often stemming from your own life experience, getting yourself out of debt, raising your own family. And today we were chatting offline and you were like, I feel like I have a lot to say on this topic of ADHD and financial management. It's a bit of a white canvas right now. There's not a lot on this topic, although I know there's a lot of demand for information, knowledge, advice on how to work through your ADHD and be successful with your money. You have a personal story around this, so thought we could start with your own journey with adhd. Take us back to when you first connected the dots between your neurodivergence and maybe even your financial habits. What was that light bulb moment for you?
- [06:14]
Nicole Stanley
It's funny because so I'm a late diagnosed ADHD woman, which I know many people who listen to to ADHD podcasts are late diagnosed like me because when we were younger there was more of a focus on men or boys with ADHD and there was much less literature about how it presented in girls. So I grew up believing I was just a little bit of a space cadet, a little disorganized, very disorganized, very forgetful. I struggled in school and those were never red flags for anyone, including me. I remember coaches making jokes about ADHD or making jokes about me being a space cadet and thinking just chalking it up to maybe I'm just not as smart as other people. That was how I took it. And so I feel like I made it through public school, nothing special. And I had managed for most of my adult life with all the traits I have now. They just weren't as disruptive in a way that became unmanageable. Like I said, I was very messy, very forgetful, got bad grades. Those things were manageable. I also had some relationship struggles. These are all very common for people with adhd. But it was when I became a mother that my neurodivergence became no longer manageable for me. Now, I didn't know it at the time, I didn't know this is the reason why, but I felt this overwhelming amount of overwhelming overwhelm is the only way I can think about it when I became a mom, and some of that was postpartum depression and anxiety, which now my therapist wonders, was that just undiagnosed severe ADHD your whole life anyway. But there was just a lot of tasks that required follow through. And things that didn't come naturally to me were very obvious when I became a mom. So why was I forgetting to my kids nagging at me, asking for something and forgetting over and over again, Right? Being all over the place in the house. Like, these are just kind of small examples, but they compound to this feeling of I'm a failure, I really suck at this. Why is this easier for everybody else, not me? Fast forward a few years to when I actually brought on my first employee in my business. And you spend a lot of time when you have a small business with one employee, a ton of time. Probably spend at least 20 hours with someone and these things that would come up where I would be forgetful, impulsive, uh, the three things about ADHD are impulse control, executive functioning, and working memory. Which is always the most ADHD thing that I forget the third one. But when I was talking to her a lot about my struggles in parenting with my daughter, who has very similar traits to me, and my own struggles with myself and with work, she started just slightly like nudging. Have you ever read about adhd? Have you ever read about how it presents in women? And I remember thinking like, no, like that's not real. That's no way.
- [09:18]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I just need to work harder.
- [09:20]
Nicole Stanley
I'm just gonna work harder. Yes.
- [09:23]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Overcompensate, right?
- [09:24]
Nicole Stanley
Of course, yeah. And it got to the point in my parenting that I was looking up traits about my children. And as they're explaining the traits I'm going through, they're talking about how this is ADHD in children and how ADHD manifests in young girls. And I'm like, but this is normal. This is normal. And I remember telling my husband, this is not. This was me. They're telling me this is this. But that was me my whole life. What are you talking. Nobody told me these things. And so I had a bit of an existential crisis once I found out and started reading because I didn't want to be a self diagnosed person. I wanted someone to evaluate me, really see for sure. Instead of doing like a TikTok quiz, I was like, I am going to find the most serious ADHD person in my city and I'm gonna go to that person. So I booked a six and a half Hour mental examination with somebody who just specializes in diagnosing adhd and put me through a lot of tests. He had. He interviews your family, your friends to find out more about how these things manifest. And at the end of the whole day, okay, I look at him and I was like, so tell me, right? How did I do? How did I do?
- [10:40]
Farnoosh Tarabi
You felt confident, right? I think you said, yes.
- [10:43]
Nicole Stanley
There was a moment with this one attention test that I was like, I am killing this. And I told him I was killing it. And he wrote it in my psych eval. He was like. Interestingly enough, Ms. Stanley said she was, quote, crushing it, when in fact, she did very poorly. So I asked him at the end, so how'd I do? And he goes with this, like, bewildered look on his face. Like, I think. And I was like, okay, but, like, how bad is it? How bad? Just tell me. Okay. Okay, let me show you the data. And he pulls open, like, my results, and he goes, this is. And this is a example of a chart of how severe someone's ADHD is. And so what this means is if I were to line up a hundred women with adhd, from the least ADHD to the most, you would be number 99.
- [11:25]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Whoa. Oh, my gosh. Oh, that makes me want to cry. Because I think about what you could have. How your life could have been different if I know diagnosis. Have you. You've probably thought about that, right?
- [11:43]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah.
- [11:43]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Your family, your teachers, even your employers, your professor, all these people. Just knowing that you have this neurodivergence would have. Wouldn't have made life easier, but it would have made it more manageable.
- [11:56]
Nicole Stanley
Yes. Yeah. And that's why I think I went through a bit of a grief afterwards. Like, I. When he told me that, I started laughing, and then I started crying. And that was the example, I think, of the next six months of me digesting this and learning more and my husband learning more. It was so helpful for my husband because he's very neurotypical. Like, just the straightest edge guy you've ever met in your life. And he's reading these books and telling me about how our. The brains are different. And I just remember both of us with our mouth open because we've been married for 10 years, right. And he's. I've never understood why you were different in these ways.
- [12:36]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I thought it was a quirk.
- [12:37]
Nicole Stanley
It's just so cute. But it's not. It stops being cute when you're drowning in motherhood and business for other people's lives, Right? Yes. Like, it was okay for me to get C's in college. That was fine. Right. But when you've got babies, it's not fine anymore. It's becomes more difficult.
- [12:56]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah, the stakes are higher. So taking all of that and applying it to your financial life, how is it showing up? Looking back, how is this manifesting in your budgeting, in your spending, in your every. How you thought about money, your relationship to money?
- [13:13]
Nicole Stanley
I think what I've noticed is that so part of what's cool with ADHD is that it's not that you don't have focus, it's that you sometimes struggle to regulate the amount of focus that you give certain things. And so for me, when I learned about personal finance and I was like, oh my gosh, I can choose to retire at 45. I'm gonna make this my entire life's purpose for the next 10 years. Like, I really went through a time of hyper focus on personal finance. And I think some of that was because the advice that I was getting in terms of budgeting, in terms of just don't, like, slap on the wrist, like all of these different old or traditional financial advice practices, they just weren't sticking with me. But I was so motivated by the carrot at the end of it that I was like, I'll just come up with something different. I'll just come up with something different. And okay, that doesn't work great. I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna try it a different way. I'm gonna do it again a different way, A different way. And what that really built in me is this, like, resilience to the topic and also creating new ways of thinking and new ways of budgeting that worked for my brain. And what I didn't realize was that many people who don't have adhd, a lot of us have very low focus. Like, maybe we don't want to focus on our money as much. And so that was the birth of how I started coaching people, started teaching people about money. Because the way that I had been taught didn't really work for me. So I had to figure out something different. And so I think that's the beauty of how ADHD has helped me. But I also know there's been some downfalls as well. I struggle with impulsive spending. I struggle with impulsive investing, impulsive saving, if you will, like, over saving. I struggle a lot with new systems that I create where I think I'm going to do X, Y or Z. A really great example of that is when I was reading about investing and learning about optimization. I was like, I'm the most anal person ever. So I'm gonna do all the balancing crap and I'm gonna do. Right. I'm gonna do all of that. And having to be like, no, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm gonna get the target date fund and I'm going to pay a little more for that to happen. Like, it's having to learn. I might be motivated, but I might have to do things a way that I know is going to work for me. And yeah, I see those. It's. There's no way that my ADHD doesn't affect my money management and the way that I coach, because I'm very used to when something doesn't work for someone being like, great, another option.
- [15:44]
Farnoosh Tarabi
We have options. So let's dig into it and talk about some of your strategies. And I love what you said about how this all was born out of your own working through ADHD to come up with alternative ways to manage money, but that it can be universal to some extent, because we all struggle with a difficulty with focus or just a dislike of managing our money. And we. Life is a lot for a lot of us. And so layering onto that, being financially responsible, fiscally responsible can be stressful. So when it comes to, let's just say, even just making a plan for your money, that can feel overwhelming. Because where do you even begin? Is that how you guide your clients, typically through the coaching, especially if they have adhd, is to start with centering them around goals?
- [16:37]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah. I think that when. When you tell someone with ADHD you should do this thing, because you should, it really doesn't hit for us.
- [16:46]
Farnoosh Tarabi
That's. We don't ever use that word.
- [16:49]
Nicole Stanley
Okay, great. I should floss every day. I don't. Right. Like, I know all. I still don't know the end. Okay. This is, like, personal. I still don't see the future in which my flossing helps me. Like, I can't connect to it, therefore, I struggle to floss. I might know all the reasons why, but I'm not emotionally connected to the end goal. And so I think that the first step of getting an ADHDer to be motivated is to get them really excited about the carrot at the end. Not what are all the things they have to do to get to where they want to go. What is the thing you're trying to get to? Why is the sexiest, the most fun thing you've ever thought of? That's something worth saying. Oh, I might.
- [17:35]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah.
- [17:35]
Nicole Stanley
I might negotiate some of my bills. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll change banks. Right. Like, it makes those tasks in between seem much more doable because there's such a juicy carrot at the end. So I think the first thing is connecting with your goals emotionally and then making sure that the process in which you get them, the process, all the steps that you have to take, have some built in dopamine or rewards along the way. We talk about this at. In terms of how do we build more dopamine into your relationship with money? And it can come in just little strategies which I've talked about on this podcast before that I really like to use a little strategy like overestimate every single bill so that every month when you look back at your bills, you find extra money. It's just a different dopamine experience versus, oh crap, I underestimated again. Now I have less for my goals and now, you know, blah, blah, blah.
- [18:35]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I feel like a failure. Which, if I can interrupt just for a second because I'm. I'm selfishly taking notes on all this because I'm a mom to a child with adhd. I am not self die. I might be self diagnosed as well, but he's definitely. We've done the tests. Yep. And first of all, what you said about the word should, that's a trigger word that it's like I have. I'm remembering it now as you said it, like, okay. That there is an adventurousness and an entrepreneurship that is inherent to a lot of people with adhd. And this word should or no feels very limiting and that makes it feel like they have to fight more to get what they want. And then the other thing about the. Sorry, I lost my train of thought. What were you saying about dopamine? Built in awards, connecting with your goals. Ugh, I lost my train of thought there. But anyway. But yeah, I can totally relate to what you're saying. Just observing a young person in my house who has this. And I'm just thinking as he gets older, what a gift to be able to give him these. This model that you're creating for your.
- [19:41]
Nicole Stanley
Clients, what's cool about it too? I would say something that really helped my self esteem around this topic because they. The first few months was really low self esteem for me. I looked at every failure in my life, could see clearly how ADHD was a part of it, looked at failed relationships, regrets I had. I felt really low for a time. And so one of the books my husband read, I forget the author, but it's called hunters in a Farmer's World. And it's about how ADHD is not a dysfunction, right. It's actually a evolutionary trait that we need as humans to survive. When we used to live in clans, there were those who farmed, those who tended, who could do those monotonous tasks that it takes to care. And then there were those that were gifted with hunting, right? Which is, they had to be, they had to be distractible, right? Because they needed to notice when there were predators, they needed to notice when there was danger. They needed to be impulsive because when they saw an opportunity, they needed to pounce on it. They also needed to be able to get in that state where they're focused, so hyper focused on their goal that the whole world falls away. It's why people with ADHD are seven times more likely to become small business owners and so.
- [21:14]
Farnoosh Tarabi
And explorers and yeah, it's so true. It's so true. We need people with adhd.
- [21:20]
Nicole Stanley
Yes.
- [21:21]
And so I think it's really important, as people see, there's a lot of negative statistics about people with ADHD and money. We're more likely to be in debt, we're more likely to die early, we're more likely to have health problems, addiction, incarceration. I remember when my psychiatrist told me, he said, with your outcomes, with your outcomes, that you're married, happily with children, with the severity of your adhd, it's almost a bit of a statistical anomaly, right? You're really lucky. And so I, I think that there are a lot of negative messages to people with adhd. And I think that what I want to be doing is talking about a lot of the positive things that come from your ADHD as well when it comes to money, right? The things about you that actually make it easier than others because you're able to get in that hyperfocused state. When you have a goal that you can taste, when you're able to feel like you've figured something out, you become more almost obsessive about it, right. When you are able to depersonalize finances and financial success and to say, this is a game I'm playing and I want to win, right. That is a completely different mode and level unlock for people with adhd. The problem is that because most people don't have it, it's not the language that our culture talks in with money. And so it's important for us to engage with narratives that inspire us, that make us feel heard, be feeling free to say, oh, that doesn't work for me. I'M going to find another way. Not that doesn't work for me. Therefore I suck at this. I think if I can give someone with ADHD that type of mentality with money, I have no doubts that they can be successful.
- [23:10]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Hey so money friends, I know so.
- [23:12]
Nicole Stanley
Many of you are dreaming of starting something of your own, or you're already.
- [23:16]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Building a business and trying to make the smartest moves possible with your time, energy, and of course, your money.
- [23:22]
Nicole Stanley
If that's you, I want to recommend.
- [23:23]
Farnoosh Tarabi
A podcast that's really aligned with the.
- [23:25]
Way we think here on Sew Money.
- [23:27]
It's called this Is Small Business, and this new season is all about something.
- [23:32]
Nicole Stanley
I talk about often. Risk.
- [23:34]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Every episode dives into real founder stories, people who've taken calculated risks, faced major financial decisions, and stayed grounded through the ups and downs of building something from scratch. Host Andrea Marquez thoughtfully unpacks how these entrepreneurs made bold moves and what we can all learn from their choices. This Is Small Business is full of financial and entrepreneurial insights that can help you take the next step with confidence. Whether you're wondering how to fund your idea, price your product, or or know when the risk is worth it, these episodes give you that clarity.
- [24:05]
So go check it out.
- [24:06]
Follow this Is Small Business on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. It's the kind of inspiration you don't want to miss.
- [24:13]
As soon as the weather warms up, I get the itch to refresh my wardrobe, but I've learned not to fall for fast fashion or overpriced labels.
- [24:21]
Nicole Stanley
Instead, I turn to Quince, and their.
- [24:23]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Summer styles are timeless, lightweight and beautifully made. I actually ordered a few summer pieces for my daughter, a gorgeous 100% organic.
- [24:32]
Nicole Stanley
Cotton poplin smocked dress.
- [24:33]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I have it in my size too, and the most adorable tankini, and the quality is unmatched. The fabrics are soft and breathable, the fit is spot on, and everything feels so much more expensive than it is. Quince makes luxury feel effortless. You'll find 100% European linen shorts and dresses starting at just $30, Italian leather sandals, elevated swimwear, and lots more. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince delivers premium pieces for half the price of similar brands, and they do it with ethical, responsible manufacturing. Give your summer closet an upgrade with quince. Go to quince.com sewmoney for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E.com SewMoney it's not what you say, it's.
- [25:19]
How you say it. And when you show up in a Range Rover Sport, you don't have to say much at all. This is the vehicle for those who lead with quiet confidence, where power, poise and performance speak louder than words. The Range Rover Sport combines a dynamic sporting personality with refined elegance and agility, delivering an instinctive drive that feels as purposeful as it looks. Its distinctly British design doesn't shout for attention, but it gets it. And when the road changes the terrain, response 2 system with 7 drive modes adapts like a seasoned traveler. Inside luxury is not an add on, it's a standard. Breathe easy with the cabin air purification system, enjoy serenity with active noise cancellation, and explore in comfort whether you're gliding through city streets or carving through winding country roads. There's even a plug in hybrid engine option with an estimated electric range of 53 miles, because even raw power can be smart. Explore Range Rover sport@range rover.com US that's range rover.com US Sport.
- [26:27]
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- [26:57]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yes, and thank you for this work. It's so important and so needed. You've already given us so much in terms of how to encourage motivation, but what about like the tactical stuff? Budgeting, spending, investing? Are there tools that you like? Are there like how do you create friction? Friction to reduce impulsive impulsivity and whatever. Investing, spending or using that credit card, we all can benefit from that, but particularly for people who have a propensity to be impulsive.
- [27:32]
Nicole Stanley
Yep, I think that's something that I've seen help every person with ADHD is automation, which I think is a multi step process that is difficult for people because it requires that you understand your income, your expenses, your cash flow, your net worth. Right. There's a lot you have to figure out before you start automating, but I think it's some of the most rewarding actions that you can spend on your money. Like truly when you spend the time to get clear on how much your bills are, how much you spend every month, that is, it will pay you back tenfold. And so I think that having separate visual spaces is key. So we teach a method That I created that is around finding what I call momentum money. Because momentum money is a lot sexier than saved money. Right. Momentum means I get to do more, I get to go on more vacations, I get to pay off more debt, I get to invest more. And the way we find that every month is we take a lot of the mental calculations that are happening month over month and we try to to automate them by finding our averages. And so all month long we just have an account that receives all of our income every single month. We have two automations that occur. One amount of money goes to a bills account that's connected to a debit card that pays your bills automatically throughout the month. The other is connected to a spending card you spend from it. You're not wondering what bills are coming out. What about this? What about that? Did I think about this? And then once you've gotten comfortable with that, then you add on, okay, how much can I comfortably invest? Okay. Instead of asking that question, what age do I want to retire? Okay, I want to retire in my 40s. That means I need to find $789 on top of my 401k every single month to be able to do that. Assuming an x percent return, right. Where am I going to find that $700? And how can I make it feel like it's not even a part of my life anymore? That would be the day I automating day some money to go to a bill. My investment comes out that next day. It's automated, it's not requiring my own follow through. If you have adhd, follow through is a weakness of yours. Stop thinking that you will remember you will not. And the faster you learn that, the more successful you will be. And so if you can automate your planning, rebrand it, you don't have to call it a budget, call it your planning, automate your investing, automate your spending and your clarity. There you will spend a lot less time stressing about do I have enough money, am I saving? And a lot more time planning how can I get to my goal faster, right? If I want to pay off debt faster, if I want to go to Cabo faster, if I want to invest, how do I do it faster? That's where we want your brain power. Not on monotony.
- [30:18]
Farnoosh Tarabi
It sounds like you could really benefit working with a money coach or a financial advisor, but only if that money coach or that financial advisor understands some of the underlying challenges. So advice for your professionals, your fellow professional, not every. Some may be getting certified in various things. I don't know. But like, how does someone help someone who wants to help someone who has adhd, who has cfp, an accountant? What are some of the most important things for them to understand so that they can cater to their clients?
- [30:55]
Nicole Stanley
I think that if you're a financial professional, it really does behoove you to know that the attention spans of everyone are going down. We see it across the board. It's something scientific at this point. Right. So ADHD or not, we are dealing with different attention spans and most people, even if they are the most neurotypical, they still have a limited amount of attention to give to their money. And so if you have clients who you feel are disengaged, clients who aren't following through on the actions that you're giving them, I wouldn't look as much at them and I would look internally asking yourself, are you telling them what to do or are you helping them discover what they want to do and then giving them the tools to do it? Right. Are you lecturing them or are they asking you questions and you're helping them discover more, you know, more deeply about this topic? Really ask yourself, are you, are you trying to give them information or are you trying to also help them take action? Many of many financial professionals forget that it's not just about information that changes your clients or improves your clients lives. It's the way that they feel when they take action. And so if they're not taking action, chances are it's not feeling good for them to take action. And those are things that you can start to explore. How can I help my clients feel better to do the things that would be helpful to them?
- [32:27]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah, not the what, but the how.
- [32:30]
Oh gosh.
- [32:34]
You talked earlier about how your husband went on this deep dive with you and even recommended a book and he sounds super supportive. And so any advice for couples where one person has adhd, the other person is neurotypical. They're trying to find balance in their financial lives. They're trying to communicate around money. What, what works for the two of you in your relationship?
- [32:57]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah, I will say it's not a walk in the park in the sense of I sometimes end days feeling more shame, more guilt about what I wanted to do that day, that I was distracted and I didn't get to and feeling duh, like a hitting my head like mentality sometimes. And my husband doesn't have those same struggles. So he's a lot more consistent, a lot more. These are the things he's going to do every day and he Never really struggles with them where I'm going to deep clean the entire house one weekend, and then the next weekend I'm using paper plates, right. I'm ordering pizza. And I'm struggling with my energy levels that day. So I think that when you have an understanding partner, a partner who's curious about how you guys can work together more, but also not over cater to one person's struggle, right. There are a lot of days that, yeah, the answer is I was distracted or I got hyper focused on my business, and so I neglected some of my household responsibilities. And that left my husband when we have three kids on his own. That sucks, right? I don't think that's the type of wife I want to be. And there are days that are like that. There are other days where I'm the superstar wife. And so I think that there has to be understanding and then there also has to be responsibility, like taking responsibility for your role. And I think that actually, as I've learned more about adhd, it's been easier for me to take more responsibility because before the story was just, I think I'm a lazy person. I think I'm not as, like, capable. I think I'm not as capable. And it was more like a womp. Womp versus. Yeah, I need a better strategy. I need a different strategy. I'm gonna try this today, see how it works. I'm gonna. He's so supportive when I try. Okay. I have these like, cleaning kicks that I'll go on. And I'll be like, listen, we are not doing any laundry throughout the week, and we're gonna do 10 loads on Saturdays. And I'll be like, that sounds really bad. That sounds like really bad. And I'll be like, listen, I've got motivation around this. Will you let me try it this week? Will you let me try? I'm gonna do this meal prepping thing. I'm gonna do this other thing. And he'll be like, okay, we can try it. Let's try it. And sometimes it works like there are things we still use, sometimes it doesn't. And he's not like, damn, why do you suck? He can have a little bit of humor about it too.
- [35:37]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Yeah. Yeah. And it also sounds. Nicole, you're coming to this totally self realizing. Like, I know that this may seem over the top.
- [35:47]
Nicole Stanley
Everything's over the top.
- [35:48]
Farnoosh Tarabi
But let's do this. Give me a chance. Let's just humor me. Let's make this an experiment. And I think that also to, to your credit, I think helps to Keep things light on their feet.
- [36:00]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah. And he's willing to spend, he's willing to spend a little money if something is gonna make it easier for me. So if I'm really. There used to be a time when we were younger and I would certain if I was like, ugh. Like I would never think to buy paper plates because paper plates are a waste and they're bad for the environment. And no, I. And just something had to give. And my husband too. I like to sit down, let's have a nice meal. Where now if I say, can we do paper plates tonight? He says, yep. And we buy paper plates in bulk. And we know that there are days that we're both just tired and something has to give. And so there are just times when I think because he's more understanding now versus like, why isn't your brain like my brain. Right. Accepting like my disorganization in the way that I load the dishwasher too. Like he used to change it around where now he's. It's loaded. Even if it's 70% of how I would have filled it, it's okay. Cuz the dishes are gonna get washed.
- [36:58]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I know you're helping so many people as you speak. And before we go, I would wanna get your opinion on this, which is that I've read a lot of books too about the sort of superpower of adhd and I think it needs a rebrand where we call it a neurodivergence and everyone else is neurotypical. But I almost feel like it's either the other way around or it's all typical. It's just on a spectrum. And. And this idea that you get othered as someone with ADHD is so not just like wrong from a, from a kindness standpoint, but also technically speaking. I think we've explored it on this show and you live it. It's like there are more of people living with ADHD than we know, especially women. Yeah, that I think. And we know that there's so little that we actually do know about what causes it, how to treat it. You saw that big New York Times article that was like, here's everything we know about adhd. And at the end it was like, we still don't know a lot. Right. And there's so much conflicting science too. So we're only at the beginning of understanding this world. So I do wonder if there's a day where will look back and go, you know what? It wasn't neurodivergence.
- [38:14]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah, I hope so. I think that the conversation changing to include women is so helpful for so many women who have felt so other their whole life. And I know that was always, I think that was the biggest relief for me when I got diagnosed is that I always knew that there was something that wasn't happening. Like other people, there was something that I wasn't getting. And I remember my whole life I just thought, I guess I'm just crazy, I gotta be crazy, I gotta be cuckoo bananas or something, right? Something is wrong. And when he's, you have adhd, I'm like, oh my God. There's a, there's, there are tools I can learn. There are. It's not just like you aren't doing it. There's information. And I think the more information we have about how all of our brains work. Typical non typical spectrum. Right. Like it only helps us and for us to assume, I think like we used to that all psych or all personal development or all mental health stuff was universal. I think has always been updated and we're just starting to wake up to that and I think it's a good thing because there's so much to learn.
- [39:30]
Farnoosh Tarabi
So much to learn and keep teaching us. You're doing an incredible, you're doing just the most important work and we want to learn where else we can find you so we know. We'll have the links for your coaching practice in our show Notes Arise Financial anywhere else.
- [39:46]
Nicole Stanley
Yeah. If you love to learn about ADHD content, feeling like your finances are very chaotic. We love to talk about non traditional ways to make it feel less chaotic, make it feel more fun, have more dopamine and feel more empowered with your money. You can find us on Instagram, on threads. Arise Financial Coaching.
- [40:06]
Farnoosh Tarabi
I love that. I'm thinking now titles for this episode. I think I want to put the word dopamine in it. Hell yeah, I think it'll fly. Thanks so much Nicole Stanley.
- [40:15]
Nicole Stanley
Thanks Farnoosh.
- [40:18]
Farnoosh Tarabi
Thanks so much to Nicole Stanley for joining us. She's the founder of Arise Financial Coaching. Her link is in our show Notes. I'll see you back here on Friday for AskFarnoosh.
- [40:27]
Nicole Stanley
I hope your day is so money.
- [40:43]
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