So Money Podcast Episode 1894: Emotional Wealth: The Feminist Guide to Dating and Desire

Host: Farnoosh Torabi
Guest: Lily Womble, Feminist Dating Coach and Author of Thank You, More Please
Date: October 20, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of So Money explores the intersection of financial ambition, feminism, and modern dating. Farnoosh Torabi interviews Lily Womble, founder of Date Brazen and author of the forthcoming book Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love. The discussion dives deep into how patriarchy still shapes dating culture, unique challenges faced by ambitious women, why being “picky” is actually empowering, and how to bring intention, joy, and agency—especially as a financially independent woman—to the search for love. Importantly, Lily and Farnoosh unpack why dating apps may be more scam than solution and offer actionable strategies for dating offline.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Historical Economic Context of Women's Dating Choices

• Lily frames modern dating struggles within the economic history of women, noting how stability was once only achievable through marriage.
• Quote:

  “We have legacies of women in our past that literally had to settle to economically survive.”
  (Lily Womble, 03:20)

2. Introduction to Thank You, More Please

• Origin of the book’s title: It’s a mantra rooted in gratitude and ambition, designed to combat feelings of scarcity, especially in the context of career or romance.
• Quote:

  “Whenever something good would happen…I would just be like, thank you, more please. And it became sort of this chant…”
  (Lily, 06:03)

• The phrase shifts focus from hopelessness to possibility—helping brain and behavior align toward what one wants.

3. Patriarchal Dating Culture and How to Break Free

• Despite economic progress, dating advice and expectations for women remain steeped in patriarchal values like “don’t be too picky” or “play the numbers game,” both leading to exhaustion and settling.
• Quote:

  “You're too much, you need to shrink in order to belong and find a romantic partnership.”
  (Lily, 11:39)

• “Marrying up” still holds sway in cultural narratives, even among ambitious women.
• Farnoosh’s reflection:

  “What they didn’t predict was that I would, like, get so far in life as to become financially independent. But then they were like, OK, but now who are you going to marry?”
  (Farnoosh, 13:02)

4. The ‘Stay-At-Home Girlfriend’ Phenomenon

• Discussion of TikTok trend where young women glorify financial dependency on boyfriends, ignoring the hard-won rights that enable even partial economic independence.
• Quote:

  “The only reason you have the opportunity to feel somewhat okay making this ... choice is because of the feminist movement.”
  (Lily, 16:16)

5. Challenges for Ambitious, Financially-Independent Women

• Ambitious women often feel they must “tone down” their success to find a partner due to male ego and ingrained social roles.
• Lily calls for a mindset shift: center yourself, not others’ insecurities.
• Quote:

  “We are centering the wrong men in whether or not we believe what we want is possible.”
  (Lily, 24:07)

• Practical advice to “vet folks more quickly” through deeper, qualifying questions (e.g., “What are you proud of this year?”).

6. Addressing the Biological Clock and Dating Anxiety

• Acknowledge the real-time pressure, especially as it relates to wanting children, but caution against panic-driven dating.
• Quote:

  “Dating is a microcosm of every hope, joy, dream, fear, insecurity, desire that we have as human beings.”
  (Lily, 27:26)

• Suggests a “both/and” plan: pursue solo paths like single parenthood while also embracing wholehearted, strategic dating.

7. Essence-Based Preferences vs. Rigid Checklists

• Move away from “overfunctioning” (rigid lists) or “underfunctioning” (“nice with a job”) toward “essence-based preferences”—how you want to feel in a relationship.
• Quote:

  “It’ll take like two hours to create the most beautiful, specific essence based preferences that are like an impressionist painting.”
  (Lily, 32:35)

• This encourages openness to unexpected but potentially wonderful partners.

8. Why Dating Apps Are (Mostly) a Scam

• Lily is critical of apps: they’re built for shareholder value, not meaningful connection, and over-indexed by users at the expense of in-person skill-building.
• Quote:

  “If you're willing to feel awkward, you become unstoppable in your dating life.”
  (Lily, 34:43)

• Advocates for strategic, intentional use of at most one app, coupled with a robust offline approach.

9. The In-Person Dating Plan and ‘Co-Conspirators’

• Three steps:
  1. Joy-building (join group activities with unfamiliar people to build joy and expand your social circle)
  2. Engaging ‘Co-Conspirators’ (arm your friends with language and specifics about who you’re looking for, let them help set you up)
  3. Main Character Energy (practice making eye contact, starting conversations, shooting your shot—build resilience to awkwardness)
• Quote:

  “In person dating is such a lost art. And that’s why I’m so excited that chapter seven is all about dating in person with main character energy.”
  (Lily, 39:11)

10. Reframing Rejection and Making Dating Joyful

• Embracing awkward moments and rejection as growth; reframing dating as inherently messy but fun and rewarding.
• Quote:

  “You feel it once ... now you know what rock bottom is. So it’s like, well, there’s nowhere lower than that.”
  (Farnoosh, 40:00)

• The experience of joy, confidence, and self-celebration in dating is accessible and crucial.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Acknowledging that what you want does actually exist and going after it courageously and messily.”
  — Lily, on Thank You, More Please (09:23)

• “Lesson and release means, like, I didn’t like that. That’s like pat on the head. Be like, okay, check, please.”
  — Farnoosh, on dating ‘Misses’ (25:55)

• “It’s about what we’re turning our brain, tuning our brain to. To pay attention to. It’ll become our reality.”
  — Lily, on mindset and finding supportive partners (24:32)

• “If you implement them, it’s just that you need your nervous system and your dating life to reset so that you can start seeing the opportunities that do exist.”
  — Lily, on dating under pressure (28:15)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Economics of Romantic Relationships & Settling: 02:45–03:20
• Origin of Thank You, More Please: 06:03–09:23
• Patriarchal Dating Legacies: 10:01–13:28
• Stay-at-Home Girlfriends Debate: 14:05–16:16
• Ambitious Women & The Dating Scene: 20:44–25:55
• Addressing the Biological Clock & Dating Anxiety: 26:31–29:26
• Essence-Based Preferences Explained: 30:38–33:26
• Why Dating Apps Are a Scam & In-Person Dating Steps: 33:45–39:11
• Joyful, Resilient Dating & Reframing Rejection: 39:44–40:39

Final Thoughts

This episode is a must-listen for ambitious women navigating the complexities of modern dating, especially those frustrated with the status quo. Lily Womble’s approach encourages listeners to challenge outdated beliefs, honor their full ambitions, and find both hope and practical tools in a world that often asks women to settle. The conversation is candid, validating, and empowering—with actionable steps to transform both mindset and results in love and life.

Guest Book: [Thank You, More Please – Lily Womble]

Listen to more: [So Money Podcast with Farnoosh Torabi]