← So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
So Money with Farnoosh Torabi
1958: Rebuilding After Rock Bottom: Money, Motherhood, and Redemption
00:37:05
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- [00:00]
Nikki Mamano
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Farnoosh Torabi
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Nikki Mamano
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Nikki Mamano
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Nikki Mamano
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Farnoosh Torabi
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Nikki Mamano
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- [02:09]
You're listening to so Money with award winning money guru Farnoosh Torabi. Each day get a 30 minute dose of financial inspiration from the world's top business minds, authors, influencers and from Farnoosh yourself. Looking for ways to save on gas or double your double coupons. Sorry, you're in the wrong place. Seeking profound ways to live a richer, happier life. Welcome to SO money.
- [02:36]
Nikki Mamano
I was too young to really understand what was going on. My brain wasn't developed. I was an addict. I was running from my pain. And I always say, you know, I came into suburbia, I had my kids and I became the person I always was. You know, we tend to become new people when we go through the process of healing and learn more about ourselves but we also return to ourselves with the person that we were born, you know, to be before the trauma happened. And so I was someone who was very much living a traumatized life and running from my pain, but it wasn't me. And being young, so rationalizing it was. I don't even know if I was thinking that way. I think I was in survival. And then it started to get wild, and then there were guns, drugs, in danger. I was way above my head, and a lot of times I was scared and didn't want to be there.
- [03:25]
Farnoosh Torabi
Welcome to so Money, everybody.
- [03:26]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
I'm Farnoosh Tarabi. What would you do if your life completely spun off course before you even had a chance to understand who you were?
- [03:35]
Farnoosh Torabi
My guest today is Nikki Mamano, and she says she didn't set out to become a drug dealer in Hawaii.
- [03:41]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
She was a teenager running from trauma, searching for a fresh start, and instead found herself pulled into a dangerous underground economy that nearly cost her everything. In her new memoir, Breaking Good, Nikki shares the raw, unfiltered story of addiction, survival, incarceration, and ultimately rebuilding her life from nothing.
- [04:03]
Farnoosh Torabi
We talk about how she rose through
- [04:05]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
the ranks of a drug operation, why she chose loyalty over leniency when she was caught, and the moment that changed everything. Discovering she was pregnant and deciding to start over. This is a conversation about second chances, financial survival, and what it really takes to rebuild not just your bank account, but your sense of self. Here is Nikki Mamano.
- [04:30]
Farnoosh Torabi
Nikki Mamano, welcome to Sew Money. Hey, neighbor. Hey.
- [04:34]
Nikki Mamano
How you doing? I'm so happy to be doing this with you. Yeah.
- [04:37]
Farnoosh Torabi
We have been talking about doing this for. For several months. We met because, one, we live in the same town, and naturally we have some mutual friends, but the author circle in Montclair is tight.
- [04:49]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah.
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Farnoosh Torabi
Pretty quickly, once your book was starting to develop and get out there, I started to hear whispers of Nikki Mamano and her phenomenal memoir. That's probably. Probably going to be a movie or a TV series. And then we met, and I was just so fascinated with your story and where you are today and connecting those dots, and I thought we got to do a so many episodes. So thank you for your time coming on. And I'm sure this is the. In the throes of your book launch and you're making time for us, so thanks so much, Nikki.
- [05:17]
Nikki Mamano
Oh, no, this is so great. And how about the day we met? It was. How amazing was that? How much fun did we have?
- [05:23]
Farnoosh Torabi
Oh, my gosh. So much fun. It's one of the reasons I Moved to Montclair. Right. To meet incredible people. This town has a great reputation for that. Like, there are just some really talented people in this town. Let's start with your memoir, Breaking Good. And in this story, in this personal story, you take readers from your life in the New York metro area where you were raised to Hawaii, to suburban New Jersey. But let's zoom in on your time in Hawaii. This is when you entered the drug trade in Waikiki, and let's start there. Where were you in your life at this time? I'm sure you arrived in. At university there, not thinking this was gonna be your road. And yet, so. So tell us, like, the moment you were sort of introduced to this world and ultimately, what drew you in?
- [06:11]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, so I always like to start by saying, because people like, you know, say, oh, you were a big drug dealer, and I was. But I like to remind people that, you know, it comes from trauma, and then trauma leads to addiction, and then addiction gets us to where we're going. And so I had been an addict. I had got through a lot of trauma, and that's in the book. And then I had been an addict as a teenager. I did some crazy, crazy st. Ended up in rehab, about 19 years old. 18, 19. And then ended up going out to Hawaii for a fresh start. One of my high school friends that I partied with got in touch with me and was like, you gotta come out here. It's gonna be great. We're gonna do, you know, amazing things. And I was in. I was in. I was ready for a new life. And I went out there thinking that's what was gonna happen, and that's not what happened. I quickly got back into coke, which was one of my drugs of choice. And before I knew it, I was introduced to a meth dealer. The first time that it was introduced to me and was in front of me, I thought, no, that's a step too far. But it just quickly became my drug of choice. And then I had a falling out, unfortunately, with the person I went out there with. Ended up living with my dealer, ended up running stuff from my dealer. Because a lot of times addicts do that to kind of pay for their drugs and, you know, be able to do that and not go into a debt or not have the money for it. And I quickly rose up and really, really, really did not mean to do that. That was not my dream when I was younger. It was to rise up the, you know, the ladder of the drug trade.
- [07:33]
Farnoosh Torabi
What do you think it was about you that drew this. This person to you to say, wow, she. She's got it. We need Nikki running the show.
- [07:42]
Nikki Mamano
I was barely five feet. Like, I grazed, you know, the five feet mark. You know, blonde, young, running around. People were not looking at me. Cops would not look for me. Other people would not look at me. I could fly under the radar, and I did. And then I was moving. The person I was moving stuff for was using the product, and he was just not a great guy. I was actually a bad guy. And so he ended up not doing a good job at his job, and he was passing it off to me and his dealer. The person above him started to notice, and when she noticed, she said, no, no, no, here's your stuff. You're going to move the product. And I kind of looked at her the first time with, you know, a lot of product. It wasn't too much at the time compared to what I ended up doing, but this product. And I was like, okay, like, what. What am I gonna. You know, like, there's big dealers in front of me going, here you go. I was like, okay. And I went out and flipped it much faster than I thought I would. And before I knew it, I was back at her place, flipped it again, and she was like, no, no, no, you need more. And, you know, I just moved fast like that.
- [08:37]
Farnoosh Torabi
Wow. You know, often people imagine crime as something like, impulsive, you know, like a moment of desperation, but in reality, it's like, it's a step by step process. And I'm just curious how you justified this to yourself at the time. To have it feel acceptable or even rational at the time. You're making a lot of money. You're. You were popular. Obviously, you know, what, you were 19, 20 years old. I mean, like, thinking about when I was that age, like, that feels like all you really, it's. It's you just your sense of self worth depends on so much of your sense of acceptance. Right. And belonging and how much of what you were doing kind of gave you those things. And, and what were the. What was your thought process as you got deeper and deeper into this trade?
- [09:19]
Nikki Mamano
You know, I was too young to really understand what was going on. My brain wasn't developed. I was an addict. I was running from my pain. And I always say, you know, I came into suburbia, I had my kids, and I became the person I always was. You know, we. We tend to become new people when we go through the process of healing and learn more about ourselves, but we also return to ourselves, of the person that we were Born, you know, to be before the trauma happened. And so I was someone who was very much living a traumatized life and running from my pain, but it wasn't me. And being young, so rationalizing it was. I don't even know if I was thinking that way. I think I was in survival. And then it started to get wild. And then there were guns, drugs, and danger. I was way above my head, and a lot of times I was scared and didn't want to be there. Well, but there I was.
- [10:11]
Farnoosh Torabi
There you were. And I was going to ask, you know, what were all the feelings in the beginning, and then talk a little bit about, like, some of the scary, scary times and maybe the most frightening point that you reached.
- [10:22]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, at the beginning, it was exciting. You know, I started out running in the clubs. The guy that I was moving the stuff for gave me some product, and people started to know it was me. And I'd run through the clubs at night. Music, people dancing. Everyone wanted to, you know, talk to me. I'd get high with them or throw some stuff their way. Money would exchange, and it was fun. And it quickly ramped up to where. I mean, it was so fast. I was suddenly dealing to the clubs, and then I was dealing with the army base. I was dealing with the Navy base. I was dealing with the local prison. Yeah, no, no, it was a local prison. It was wild.
- [10:58]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yeah, that, you know, that opens up a whole conversation around, like, this economy. Really, it's an underground economy, but it's a. It's a Take us to the underground. Like, I want to. I'm surprised to hear, but maybe I shouldn't be, that your work mingled with, you know, people in public office. And, you know, there's. You think of, you know, drug deals happening behind closed doors, and they do, but then the people that are involved are not very private, it turns out.
- [11:27]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah. I mean, my drug dealing mingled with pharmacists, it mingled with doctors, it mingled with everyone, but eventually ended up, you know, army and Navy, as I said. And then I was introduced to one of the guards that was moving the product, and he needed a new connection. And so I just started doing that. And there I was, you know, delivering stuff and getting stuff into the prison. And then I talk about when I went into that prison. That's the one I was taken to, actually, you know, knew at some point. And, like, there was one second where I was like. Because the guard came to me and bought me some commissary and was like, you need to shut your mouth. But he didn't say it outright. He kind of said it like, you'll have everything you need here as long as you don't say anything. But he didn't, you know, quite say it like that. And I remember I had a second where I thought, my God, I could take down the prison and walk, but I might not live. So I was like, where was I going to roll those dice? And I rolled those dice. I'm not saying anything. And I never did. Like, I will say that out loud and very clear. I never talked. I went down. I did what I had to do. And, you know, lawyers came and things shook out the way they shook. And I got very lucky with second and third chances, chances that maybe I didn't deserve, but really happy I had. And I eventually did, you know, did click. It did click when I started to really understand what was going on.
- [12:44]
Farnoosh Torabi
When did you get caught for real?
- [12:46]
Nikki Mamano
So when the gu. Guided delivered to the Navy for me, he was my runner in the Navy. His mother was dying, and one of the times he came to get for me, there was something going on. We were having a chat. I always talked with my, my. The people that I worked with. And so he said his mother was dying and he couldn't go home and take care of her, you know, Cause he's based in Hawaii and that's not where he's from, as most people that are there in the military. And I just gave him some stuff and I said, here, here's an extra ounce, I think it was. And sell this if you ever pay me back rate. If you don't, do not worry about it. Go take care of your dying mother. He got caught selling that. He turned me in. And then a federal agent came in and became my new connect. And because I was expecting a new connect, because he was leaving anyway to take care of his mother, it wasn't fishy to me. It. It made sense, right? Oh, here's this new person. Because there was going to be a new person anyway. And so that person was an NCIS agent. And I was under surveillance by the feds. And then I was on the run because I did get information. I had people that lived in both worlds, which was the police world, the Fed world, and then also the dealing world. So I knew ahead of time that I going down, as did my dealer, as did the strong arms and bodyguards we had. I tried to run for a little while, but you can't run an island very long. No.
- [13:58]
Farnoosh Torabi
What was your connection to your family back home during all of this? Did they have any. I mean, obviously, I'm guessing no. They had no idea this was going on in your life. But did you confide in anybody during this time?
- [14:09]
Nikki Mamano
So my connection to my family, there wasn't a lot. And for a long time, there was nothing. And, you know, that's because there was a lot of trauma, generational trauma that I talk about, because I want to be clear that it goes back generations. And there's a whole thing we society have to deal with. Right. Understanding that. But, you know, and I had a lot of abuse outside of the family, but, you know, there was some involvement of how the family handled it and. And all that. And so there was a lot of pain, and I just. I just didn't. I had to cut ties for a while. Especially as an addict, you cut ties anyway, and then what was the. I'm sorry, the question?
- [14:43]
Farnoosh Torabi
Were there people that you trusted you could confide in? Where. Because so much of this, like, I can only imagine you were. You know, you're living in secrecy. You're not communicating that. That's. That's its own trauma as well.
- [14:55]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, I have a couple of people, a very few, a small circle, but there was. I had a girlfriend out there that I could confide in. There were some boys for a while, not that I confided in, but that I cared about and were very close to me. And they're in the book. That's a very. You know, that's a story close to my heart. I had Roxy. Roxy was my main runner of the clubs. And at that time, we had the club kids and the drag queens, and they. And they called themselves drag queens. And I also talk about this in the book because it. It was a sign of the times, and that was the language that was used now. A lot of them would be trans women, trans people, trans men that I hung out with. Roxy was a trans woman, and she was like my mom, and she. She worked for me, but she was older, and she was more nurturing. You know, she was nurturing, and we just talk about things. There were times where she gave me advice, and I really could trust this woman. And I loved her, and I still love her. She's the one that tried to hide me when I was on the run from the fence, and she's the one that sent me home. There was a point where she, to me, go, like, you don't belong here. It's like, we live here. This is our life. We're from here. And she knew that she'd probably never escape it. And to do that. It was the most selfless thing because she loved me, too. And I listened and I left, and here I am to tell the story.
- [16:08]
Farnoosh Torabi
It must have been such a. A real big decision to not rat out people, right? I mean, or was it easy for you? I. I'm trying to unpack that psychologically. Like, what? You had to kind of weigh in that decision, right? Because on the one hand, if you did identify people, maybe it meant a lesser sentencing for you. You chose not to do that. Why was that principally very important to you?
- [16:33]
Nikki Mamano
I've always been a pretty loyal person, you know, and there were a couple of reasons, really. I had gotten close to my dealer. She was actually my age, so we were two young girls. She was higher than me. And like I said, it was drugs, it was guns, it was danger. There were bodyguards. And, you know, the two of us used to shut down. We would do these mega deals, and then we would just shut down and sit in her apartment and play darts and, you know, just kind of eat good food and just laugh and giggle and just be kids for this tiny little piece of, you know, this moment of time that we could have together. And so we really cared about each other. And there was that. And then there was also the loyalty and, you know, her main bodyguard, the one that taught me how to shoot a gun, the one that brought me a gun after I was, you know, kidnapped and, you know, other things that happened. And he came to me and was like, don't talk, and basically was letting me know. And he was her bodyguard. And I knew that he was doing that for her, and that, you know, that scared me. But also, I. Somewhere inside of me, I was like, she wouldn't. Like, there was a lot of other people that would have hurt me first. But I had both things going on. It was the fear of something happening to me. It was the loyalty and the love. And then, you know, I got into prison, and again, I had the fear of something happening to me there. I could have taken down the prison. I could have walked twice, gave my dealers up. I could have given the prison guards up. And both times I just decided not to. And eventually, you know, she sent, you know, a lawyer came, and there was some, you know, fancy footwork done. And I got limited time because there was a new law that said if it was your first offense that you would get a small amount of time or just probation. They were trying to get people out on first offense, and they. They used that. For me, it was like a br law at the time, and it Helped. I got a small amount of time and then I got pregnant and I got another chance. And that's the moment, you know, but yeah, that's. That's how that went down.
- [18:31]
Farnoosh Torabi
When you were in prison, how long were you there? And what were some of the reflections that you were having that later maybe fueled your recovery?
- [18:39]
Nikki Mamano
So I was only in prison for a few months. I should have been in for five years. I was facing 30. They had given me five years probation, and they gave me five years in and 10 years parole probation. And the lawyer came and worked things out, and they got me out in a few months. And because of jail overcrowding, they suspended it. And when they suspended it, I ended up getting pregnant. And then I was standing in front of the judge with a baby, you know, I was pregnant with this baby inside of me. And she just gave me another. She gave me a last shot and I. And that's the shot I took. But when I was in prison again, I didn't understand the impact of what was happening. I was way too young and I didn't really process it. I was in survival mode, and that's how I got through that.
- [19:21]
Farnoosh Torabi
What did you think? What were you thinking when you discovered you were pregnant?
- [19:25]
Nikki Mamano
That was your moment. Yeah, I write about that in the book because, you know, that's sort of prologue. Takes you right back, right to that moment. So there's a prologue. Then we go through the book, and then suddenly I bring you back and say, this is where you met me. And then right after that, I find myself sick and I, you know, steal a pregnancy test because I have no money. I'm like, at this point, I'm a homeless, drug addicted prostitute. And I go to this restaurant next door and I sit in the stall and basically I'm in a public restaurant, a restaurant bathroom. And I take the test and I look down and, you know, I remember. I don't know if you remember, but back in that day, it wasn't like a two minute test. It took a while for it to, you know, give the answer. So I'm sitting there, people are coming in and out, and. And then as I'm taking the test, I heard a woman with her child at the sink. And I just started. I just. It just hit me. I was like, oh, my God. And I listened to them. And then I saw it was. Was positive and I was just like, okay. And I chucked that test in the garbage and walked out the bathroom and I walked straight out the door. And I remember the sun was shining so bright. And I just looked up and I just like sat. I sat in that sun for a minute and I was like, you know, this is this. You gotta do this. Like, this is your. This is your now or never.
- [20:35]
Farnoosh Torabi
Oh my gosh.
- [20:36]
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Farnoosh Torabi
I have two separate businesses, two separate bookkeeping systems, two separate tax returns.
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Nikki Mamano
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Nikki Mamano
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Farnoosh Torabi
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Nikki Mamano
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- [24:20]
Farnoosh Torabi
So you were out of prison at that point, but you were a sex worker and then that's how you got pregnant. Did you ever figure out the father? Or you were like, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be a single mom.
- [24:31]
Nikki Mamano
This.
- [24:31]
Farnoosh Torabi
And this is it. This is my second chance or my fifth chance as it were, as at the time.
- [24:35]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, so basically when I got out, because I didn't talk, but also no one wanted to touch me with a 10 foot pole, my dealer gave me a lot of stuff, like had me stay at her place for a while, gave me some drugs and some money and said after a little while, said I have to really, we can't anymore. We cannot talk, we cannot be in contact. You're hot. But did give me a little bit to get going. But I was an addict. And so, you know when you give that to an addict, even coming out of prison, I used It. I didn't flip it because I couldn't. Because people didn't want to buy from me. They were scared, even though I didn't say anything. And so I did end up on the streets. I ended up homeless. I ended up addicted again, and I ended up doing sex work. And eventually I got pregnant. And that kid is a wonderful, amazing, incredible human. And I am so proud. But at that time, I just knew I had to get clean. And that was it. And I did. And I did not know who the father was, and I just. I just knew that I was gonna have that baby. I knew I was gonna have that baby. I knew I was gonna do the best I could, and I did. And, you know, like I said, Roxy sent me home. And so soon after the baby was born, I filed extradition papers and asked the state of Hawaii if I could come back to New York, which is where I had come from, you know, from high school. And they let me. And I. You know, and I. I did the best I could. You're gonna see in the book, I'm Brutally Honest, in the memoir, I talk about the mistakes I made as a human, as a mom, you know, in. In all areas of my life. So I did. I. I made plenty of mistakes. Uh, I also did the best I could. I also knew where I had come from, and I knew what I wanted to do, and I. I dug deep and. And worked, worked as hard as I could. And it's a contin. You know, it's a continual journey. I'll be working for the rest of my life, and I continue to. My kids and I continue to open up conversation and, you know, and. And heal.
- [26:21]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yeah. Well, let's get to the recovery and rebuilding efforts following your pregnancy test, following coming home to New York. What was the hardest part of starting over? Financially, I can imagine it was difficult, but also just maybe, you know, logistically, because you're a single mom, right? And there's only so much time in the day, how did you kind of come. How did you architect your life at that point so that you could give yourself the things you needed to rebuild?
- [26:54]
Nikki Mamano
So I came home, and it was very interesting. I did stay with my parents for a small amount of time, and that was tough because we hadn't done any kind of understanding, recognition of the pain that existed. No one was on that journey at that point. So I did that for a little while because I had to, because financially, I had nothing, and I had a baby. And so I did that for a little while, and then I eventually Got back in school because I had failed out of college and I was, let's see, I had my daughter, I was 23. Two weeks later I had her. And so I still had a couple years left of college. Went back to school, I got a job waitressing and bartending. And so I did that. I mean, I'm a felon and so it's not the same, but hurdles that I have to jump over, that not everyone has to jump over as far as, you know, getting employment. But I did that and I got a little apartment and Bella, my girlfriend, I bought her back. So as soon as I could, I bought her back. So then she came back from Hawaii, that's where we had met. And she and I were friends at that point. We really weren't together anymore. But she loved my daughter and she's still the godmother and you know, she still will always be. She's like the godmother to both my children and she loves them and. And it's a beautiful relationship. But she. She came back and. And I hustled and I met. I met Val in the book. And so we ended up getting together and she lived in Nutley and she was looking for a house in Montclair. And so the two of us, you know, we said, listen, we're gonna wait a year. That's the responsible thing to do. We waited about a year and a day, as lesbians do. I mean, you know, if, you know the year.
- [28:37]
Farnoosh Torabi
I hear you move fast.
- [28:40]
Nikki Mamano
But we waited because I had a kid and I was gonna do things right. I was gonna be responsible, responsible financially responsible in relationships. Like this was my chance.
- [28:48]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yeah.
- [28:49]
Nikki Mamano
And while we did that, I finished school, I finished college, I was doing the bartending, I was putting away everything I could. And then. And then we moved in together to Montclair. And that's where I dove into suburbia.
- [29:01]
Farnoosh Torabi
You know, as you're speaking, it just hits home, like in the sense that, you know, they. There's the expression, your life is a series of choices. Right. But your also a series of people in your life who influence those choices. Right. And not to take away your autonomy in any of that, but talk a little bit about sort of. And you've called yourself lucky. I mean, this chapter of your life post Hawaii, and I haven't read your book yet, but just from hearing you talk, it sounds like this is where your fortune really played out. And a lot of it was thankful to your own ambition and determination. But also surrounding yourself and having the good luck of great people, quality Caring people coming in your life and supporting you.
- [29:44]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah. I always say that if people read my book, they would not think this, but I have been given so much grace in my life, and I feel like the luckiest person. I really do. And I've been through a ton of. Ton of shit, but it's, you know, grace and yes, friendships. I met the most incredible people here in this town, Montclair, as you know, you live here early on, and I'm still close with a lot of them. And I've also met a lot of people along the journey that have just been beautiful, beautiful humans. And I feel still very fortunate. And that's. That's how we do it. Right. Our chosen family. And so, you know, they've supported me in all the ways and I just feel really lucky.
- [30:23]
Farnoosh Torabi
You have two daughters now, and what are the conversations you have with them? Obviously, they know because your book is out, and I'm sure before the book came out, they knew about your past to some extent. But how do you decide and how do you choose, like, over the years, how you've decided to tell them your truth and what are. What is. What is the message that you really want them to take away from Mom's life?
- [30:46]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, that's such a good question. And it's something that I've, you know, had to think about and grapple with for a long time. And there's a lot of things that I ended up telling them that I wouldn't have told them. There's things that if I didn't write a book, wouldn't have been necessary, but it was important and I had to, of course, tell them. And they're different age. My oldest is about to be 30 this year, and my younger one is just going to graduate college. But I had to tell them over the past few years, older one, I was able to tell more quicker. She's, you know, funny, cool, easy to talk to and get stuff. And so, you know, we've had a lot of conversation. And my younger one, I told a little less, a little slower. I was a little more careful. She was younger. Now she's about to graduate college. She's a woman. She is also wonderful and doing amazing and mature. And so she handled it as well. And we talk. I mean, that's the whole thing about the book. When I talk about the mistakes I made, I cannot reverse the mistakes I made. I made them. And, you know, there are things I did that hurt my kids. All I can do is face them. You know, I. I say in the book, you have to eventually turn around and stop running. You have to stare those demons down. And once you do, you take a good look and you see. You know, we see ourselves. And when I saw myself, I was like, okay, this is where I've made mistakes. These are the things that I need to correct. And the. You know, the two most important people in my life are my daughters. And that was first and foremost. And so with them, it's like, you know, we talk about it. We talk about it. No matter what it is, we talk about it, and I'm willing to listen. And, you know, a lot of. As I've said this before, you know, this book and that part of the book, I wanted to validate their experience. I wanted to say out loud because it's really important. My experience was not validated, and it was very painful. And no matter what I did, I was going to validate their experience. And that's what we do together. And it's another thing I'm blessed with. Beautiful, beautiful kids and a great relationship.
- [32:44]
Farnoosh Torabi
You're amazing. Not just for everything you've experienced and the wisdom you have earned from that and the way that you're leading your life today. But can we just talk about writing a book and how difficult that is?
- [32:55]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah.
- [32:56]
Farnoosh Torabi
Everything else that you're doing, tactically, it's difficult, but also, like the emotional rollercoaster, especially. Especially the genre that you write. Right. Memoir. Were there aspects of your. Of this story that just, for whatever reason, didn't make it into the book? But you really. You really advocated for it. But maybe it was a space thing or it was a thematic thing, or it was a legality that you. Ultimately, it did not make it in the book.
- [33:21]
Nikki Mamano
There were a lot of things that I had to cut. Personally, I was very lucky. By the time I got to my editors and they had sent back the changes, there weren't a lot of structural things, actually. I don't remember really any at all. But I had done a lot of structural stuff before that. A lot of moving around and fixing up. But I did have to cut a lot of things. And, you know, we just have to do that. We have to lose things. And, you know, my brother, he's brilliant, and he helped me because doing a book and we were talking about how long it takes and how hard it is, I had to. I had to record everything. I had my phone with me, and for a year or two before I even started writing, I. Every time I had a memory or a thought that I wanted to go in, I just set it into my voice memos or I set myself a text, and then I had to take everything and organize it and do that. And my brother helped me do all that. And he knows his stuff. He had taught me about structure and just things that helped me and so much. And he said to me, you got to kill your darlings. And that was so hard. I was like, no. And he just. Every time there's something up in the air, and we knew it shouldn't be in there, and he's like, kill your darlings. And I was like, okay. So, so sorry about the cursing. So that's what happened. But we always said. Because there was always the idea that this was going to be turned into a show. And I say that understanding that sometimes it never happens or sometimes it takes a long time. And this is the publishing and television industry, and we just don't know. But that's always been the idea. So it was a little easier for me to cut things knowing that, you know, we have another chance to put it in. But, you know, there was a lot of things that I. I can't remember exactly, you know, what was just too hard because there were just so many things, and you just have to make choices, and it makes it tighter and better. You know, you need to do it for structure and story. But, you know, it was. Yeah, it was not always easy to do that. And.
- [35:23]
Farnoosh Torabi
Yeah, well, I look forward to watching it on the big screen. I wanted to also ask you, you know, there's this expression that everything happens for a reason. And when you are reflecting on your life and everything that, you know, that. That you went through, do you ever think, like, what if I didn't have this piece of my history, right? What if I just went to college in. In Hawaii, graduated in four years, had a quote, unquote, normal experience? Do you ever think about that? Like that sliding doors moment?
- [35:58]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah. I've faced a lot of things, and I've had a lot of pain in my life. And sure, there's times where I think, like, what if this didn't happen? Would I be lighter or would this have been easier? But also, it's made me exactly who I am. And I appreciate that so much. I love to break it down, I love to talk, I love to get deep, you know, and it's okay to, you know, have those moments. So I. I'm grateful, honestly. And I said it before, you know, I feel like I'm lucky. I'm like the luckiest person yet. I wouldn't. I wouldn't change it. I might wish that I didn't cause anyone pain, and that would be what I wish I could change. But I'm grateful for everything I went through. I'm grateful the experience. I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have and the way that I understand people. It's given me a lot of empathy and understanding. I feel like a constant theme in my life has been picking myself up off the floor, you know, and that's in all the ways emotionally, physically, financially. And, you know, it was hard. There were times where we didn't have a lot of money. We live in an apartment in Montclair, and I'm grateful to be here. I love my place. But, you know, my daughter grew up here.
- [37:14]
Farnoosh Torabi
Her.
- [37:15]
Nikki Mamano
She has a little, little tiny bedroom. It's like the size of a closet. And I was hustling and she's so responsible and wonderful. So she would get up and go to school and do her thing and. And I get up at like 7am and I would go deliver flowers. Let's say I had like so many odd jobs, but I was doing flower delivery for a while. 7:00am to 7:00pm I'd come home, you know, I'd eat. Sometimes my daughter would make dinner and, you know, I'd eat. Yeah, she was. She was wonderful in those ways, you know, so helpful. And so I would come home and I would eat and I would slee few hours and then wake up two, three in the morning, right till, you know, five, six, shower and repeat. And, you know, just I knew that I had to do what I had to do, you know, and, you know, I'm scrappy, so, you know, whatever I got to do to make it. But, you know, we, we. We did what we had to do. And it was especially hard during COVID You know, Covid hit. And then I lost a job. And, you know, I also remember being at Trader Joe's once, and I think I was like 17 cents short for my food. And the woman looked at me and I just looked down and I just started crying. And this woman at the register was so kind. You know, she saw me. She's like, don't cry, don't cry. And she pulled the change out of her pocket and, you know, put it in. And I was so grateful to this woman. The compassion, the empathy. But it was painful, you know, it was really painful. But, you know, I had a vision and I knew that I had to do what I had to do. And I had, you know, work the jobs. I've done dog sitting. I've taken care of kids that are. That I still love, that are, you know, that are just so close to my heart. I've done personal assisting. Anything I can do. I do dog walks also here and there. Everyone needs me to walk their dog. You know, it's like, I'll be out there doing that, but anything I have to do, because, you know, we. We have to. And. And I have to get from that step to this step. And I'm here now, and I'm grateful, but we got to get down and dirty sometimes. Got to pay those bills.
- [39:21]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
We do.
- [39:22]
Farnoosh Torabi
My gosh. Your daughter who made dinner. I think my daughter would do that, too, if I got to train her a little bit better. But I think she'll do that for me soon.
- [39:32]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, that's great. It's a great perk.
- [39:35]
Farnoosh Torabi
And now I think part of how I learned about you was through our mutual friends and Jenny. I'm going to shout out to Jenny.
- [39:43]
Nikki Mamano
Shout out to Jenny.
- [39:44]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
Yeah.
- [39:45]
Farnoosh Torabi
You have an incredible gift, working with children who have special needs. Tell us about this work that you do and what drew you to it.
- [39:56]
Nikki Mamano
Yeah, so I was doing those odd jobs, and I was in an office job, and I just. I was looking for a job, and I talked to my really. My great friend Alma. Do you know Alma lives in town? Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. And. Yeah. And I was, you know, said to her, I'm looking for a job. I'd love to work with kids. And within a couple of days, she had sent me this thing. Are you interested? And it was to work with Jenny and to work with her son Brett. And I was like, yeah. And I went over there and started, you know, hanging out with him and connecting with him, and, you know, we have just a very sweet relationship. And I love it. You know, I love kids. I love to, you know, just do things with them. And so I started to do that, and then I ended up working with a girl in town that has down syndrome. And I was working with her, and it just, you know, I accompanied her to her jobs and school, and it just filled my heart. And so that for a while, was. Was what I did. And what I continue to do as I go into the next phase. And the next phase is that I hope to be a public speaker. I think that I have a lot to bring. I can't wait. If anyone out there wants me to come speak, I'm happy to do that. And, you know, even listen, even if it's a rehab with a few people or I can go into a prison and chat with, you know, a Few people in there. This, you know, it doesn't have to be grand scale. I, I want to, I want to connect mostly. And, and, and you know, that to be a part of my, my future and hopefully that to be my job, that would be the huge blessing.
- [41:28]
Farnoosh Torabi
Well, now you put it out there. I always say you gotta put it out there. You never know. Honestly, I think that's how I've gotten most of my job, is just being vocal about what I want to do. So often we're afraid, right, to say the thing or we feel like we're not ready yet. But I'm, you know, I have friends who are like, I want to speak one day. I'm like, you are a speaker, right? You go on podcasts, you speak up in meetings. You know, like, you are like, just because you're not doing a TED Talk doesn't mean you're not a speaker yet. You know, it's just, it's. You have to just believe it. And you are. You are a speaker. Well, I can't wait for everyone to read your book. It's called Breaking A Raw Honest look at Addiction, Survival, the Road Back to Yourself. Thank you for your candor. Thank you for being so open about the choices that you've made. Nikki and I hope to see you in person soon. Thank you.
- [42:27]
Nikki Mamano
Thank you so much. Well, definitely, we gotta make a plan. We'll hang out soon.
- [42:31]
Farnoosh Torabi
Thanks so much to Nikki Mamano for joining us. Her book again is called Breaking Good. I'll see you back here on Friday. And I hope your day is so money.
- [42:52]
Podcast Advertiser/Host Voice
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