Gavin Matts Got Scammed

Summary

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So True with Caleb Hearon – "Gavin Matts Got Scammed"

Release Date: August 21, 2025
Podcast Host: Caleb Hearon
Guest: Gavin Matts

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Episode Overview

This episode finds comedian Caleb Hearon joined by fellow comic Gavin Matts for a wide-ranging, funny, and self-reflective conversation centered on being scammed (often), minor regrets, the shifting world of comedy, and why being a “sellout” has lost its weight. What emerges is an honest, at times deeply silly, but always insightful look at vulnerability, trust, masculinity, and the weird places empathy can lead us. The duo swap stories of being taken advantage of, process regret, muse on video games, Canada-vs-US quirks, family, and what’s really “so true” about entertainment now.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Getting Scammed as a Modern Rite of Passage

• Gavin’s In-Person Scam Experience

  • Gavin shares the memorable story of being scammed out of $800 in Brooklyn.
    • He was approached by a stranger, “Henry Glover” (which both agree is a hilariously fake name), and through a classic “money order scam,” Gavin walks with him to an ATM and hands over the cash.
    • Caleb: "It doesn't sound like you got scammed. It sounds like you just gave a guy $800." (04:36)
  • Gavin frames it as being a mark for kindness and guilt, not stupidity: “There was so much stuff I was personally feeling guilty about,” (02:40) explaining how feeling bad about the world leads to sometimes questionable generosity.

• Other Scams and Street Encounters

  • Both swap stories about being pressured for money, including Caleb’s Bushwick patio scenario and the “student buying a mixtape in Times Square for $400.”
  • International scams: Gavin describes the infamous “tea scam” in Beijing, where he ends up spending $500 CAD after being lured to tea by friendly English-learners. (11:01)

• Memorable Quotes:

  • Gavin: “I think the problem is, is my thing is that it feels like I’ve always, like, just, like, taken out an air, like AirPod or something...once you get to know me, I’m, like, really mean.” (13:24)
  • Caleb: “You do look like an easy mark. You’ve got sweet eyes and you’ve got a vibe that says, this guy will take me to tea.” (13:18)

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2. Regret, Empathy, and Masculinity

• Regret & Processing

  • Gavin and Caleb reflect on personal regrets with comedic candor, ultimately circling back to the idea that “everyone just take solace in the fact that I’M the most affected” (14:42) and that, often, the storyteller’s embarrassment remains long after others forget.

• Masculinity, Community, and Vulnerability

  • The two joke about “sorting out” men and boys, with Gavin admitting, “I feel like I’m in, like, a good place emotionally with my friends. Pretty vulnerable guy.” (18:08)
  • But also, he admits, the friend group decompresses by playing the right-wing video game “Ready or Not,” leading to a riff about inventing the “purple pill” (a mash-up of red and blue video game ideologies): “We’re, like, creating a new kind of red pill where it’s like a combination...that’s how we’re fighting back.” (18:57)

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3. The Canada–U.S. Divide & Family Talk

• Life as a Canadian in America

  • Gavin’s conflicted identity as a Canadian immigrant surfaces (“You could not pay me to go back.” (07:58)), including passport woes and the challenges of staying in the US during green card processing.
  • They riff on quirks in Canadian football, education, and pronunciation differences: “You know when you pronounce a place wrong and then people act like you. You’re doing it to them on purpose.” (33:17)

• Family Dynamics & The “Sluttiness” of Puppies and Sisters

  • Amusingly, the two discuss how straight men appear suspect when posting with puppies or expressing love for sisters:
    • “The two sluttiest things that a straight man can do is have a sister that he loves and post pictures with a puppy.” (15:47)
  • Gavin talks about his visiting sister and his adorable, chaotic niece with “bangs, always sweating and yelling for help.” (17:00)

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4. Comedy, the Entertainment Industry, and Sellout Culture

• The Death of the “Sellout” Insult and Shifting Economics

  • Gavin’s “So true” moment: "The entertainment industry has started to suck once we stop calling people sellouts." (49:24)
  • Caleb adds: “I think that we can't call people sellouts anymore because the entertainment industry sucks. I think we have to sell out because [...] a staff writer for Modern Family was making so much fucking money. [...] Now there's full on TV writers...can't make a living to even live in LA.” (50:30–51:14)
  • Discussion around creators feeling forced into branded content as “the money that used to exist for people to just be actors or just be standups is really not there anymore.” (51:21)

• Integrity vs. Advertising

  • Gavin and Caleb debate whether even “evil brands” should be avoided for money, while also poking fun at their own complicity doing ads.

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5. Lighthearted Bits & Notable Moments

• True or False Game (54:14)

  • Gavin answers a fast-paced quiz for a chance at $50 but comes up short (“You needed at least 10 [answers correct],” 56:14).

• Random Fun and Riffs

  • Discussing the design flaws of Canadian football fields (20:01)
  • Pondering the appeal (and pitfalls) of cherry-dip ice cream (31:22)
  • The idea of a “cleaning fetish” as encountered on Grindr, leading to a hilarious hypothetical (47:03)
  • Gavin's phase of "getting cut a lot" because of kitchen mishaps, which segues into marveling at the body’s ability to heal (43:18)

• Buttoned by True Crime Tangents

  • They digress into true crime, discussing the Netflix doc on Amy Lynn Bradley, the “poop cruise,” and absurdity of cruise ship mysteries.
    • “He was like, that's crazy. But we're not doing that. 7:00am yeah, yeah, yeah.” (39:31)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Being Scammed:
  • “It doesn't sound like you got scammed. It sounds like you just gave a guy $800.”
    — Caleb (04:36)
• On Generosity:
  • “You look sweet because you did something nice and someone took advantage of you.”
    — Caleb (03:25)
• On Masculinity and Vulnerability:
  • “We’re, like, creating a new kind of red pill... a combination of, like, red and blue, where it’s like a purple pill.”
    — Gavin (18:57)
• On Regret:
  • “But to everybody, I am sorry to all involved, but know that I'm the most affected by it.”
    — Gavin (14:30)
• On the End of ‘Sellout’ as an Insult:
  • "The entertainment industry has started to suck once we stop calling people sellouts."
    — Gavin (49:24)
• On Comedy Economics:
  • “We can't call people sellouts anymore because the entertainment industry sucks. I think we have to sell out...”
    — Caleb (50:30)
• On Cleaning Fetish Culture:
  • “I want to come over and clean your house. Make me clean your house…be mean to me while I clean your house.”
    — Caleb (47:03)
• On Healing from Cuts:
  • “I do think the craziest thing about it...is like, you can heal. Like, you heal. You know what I mean? Like, this was way bigger. It's going away.”
    — Gavin (43:18)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Scam Stories & Empathy: 01:37–12:06
• Regret & Reflection: 14:09–15:03
• Canada vs. U.S.; Immigration: 06:56–07:59, 33:05–35:20
• Video Games, Masculinity: 18:08–19:36
• Comedy & Entertainment Industry Rant ("Sellout" Culture): 49:24–52:15
• Cleaning Fetish, Housework: 46:47–48:51
• True or False Game: 54:14–56:14
• Show Plugs & Upcoming Gigs: 57:16–58:09

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Closing & Plugs

• Gavin shares he’s “doing really good right now... pretty happy and doing a lot of stuff for myself” (57:00), and plugs his upcoming stand-up dates in Vancouver and Toronto.
• Find Gavin on social media: @gavinmatts (58:11).

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Tone & Style:
Playful, self-deprecating, conspiratorial, emotionally honest, full of absurd jokes and unfiltered reflections. The podcast’s rhythm is conversational, with deeply personal admissions cut by bits and asides, so the listener feels included in an intimate, ongoing banter between old pals.

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For listeners new and old, this episode is a gem: a backstage pass to the secret vulnerabilities and existential doubts of two smart, funny people—and a handful of outrageously “scammable” moments you’ll never forget.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Quick.

[A]

Time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.

[B]

Price and participation may vary. Not. Yeah, but I have a lot of regrets and mistakes I've made.

[A]

What are they? What's your biggest regret? And be so honest. I can't. 85 inch TV for football games. Come on. Not bad.

[B]

That's really good. I need a much better TV than I have.

[A]

What do you have?

[B]

That's the thing.

[A]

You don't even know.

[B]

It's been so long that it doesn't even register. You know what I mean?

[A]

You don't even appreciate.

[B]

There's been times where I've gone through and been like, oh yeah, let me look at new specs. What are new specs doing? What are the new specs of what's going on? But I don't have anything to compare it to you talking about. I just know that sometimes there's like I can see a light that's on in the TV and that makes me so mad.

[A]

That's not. Should not be happening. When we were shopping for TVs for in here, the. The guy at Best Buy was like, yeah, the difference. The extra $600 on this one is there's just more lights. And I guess that makes the picture quality better or something. But I was like that. You need to sell me a little bit better.

[B]

Yeah, I need to understand.

[A]

Just there's more lights. Did not really. It didn't move me.

[B]

Yeah. I don't get it. Anyway, they could trick me easy.

[A]

You could get tricked easy.

[B]

Yeah. I could go in there and they could just say anything.

[A]

You think you're scammable? Mm, I'm deeply not.

[B]

I've been scammed.

[A]

Are we rolling? I assume so.

[B]

Just like in person once.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How'd you get. How'd you get scammed?

[B]

Just like one of the top things that if you Google is that a scam? They're like, yeah, that's a scam. Just like a classic money order scam. In person. Just felt bad for someone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Went to the ATM with them. I don't know why you went to.

[A]

The ATM with a strange. Please walk me through this. You met a stranger on the street.

[B]

Yeah. And his name was like Henry Glover, which is not real.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Which is not real. I looked that up with the number which he said.

[A]

He said, my name's Trustworthy Mick. And you said, let's go to the atm, brother.

[B]

Yeah. And there's a bit of a story and, you know, everything going on at the time in the world. Really? Clarify.

[A]

Oh, just so much.

[B]

Just so much stuff I was personally feeling guilty about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With, like, things when they happen, just.

[A]

In regards to things.

[B]

You know what I mean? When someone tells you something and you're like, ugh. But usually you're at home and reading about that. Yeah, but this was somebody in person, and you're like, this is why I stay home.

[A]

It's so much easier to do nothing about the world, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I read about atrocities, I go, oh, that's horrible. But it's so far away. I just won't do anything, I guess.

[B]

Yeah. And you know when you're retelling a story about something you've done. Kidding.

[A]

Kidding. Yeah. And people are like, no, wait, what?

[B]

Like, they're like, being like. Like, you did that.

[A]

Wait, what'd you do?

[B]

Gave a man money.

[A]

Oh, I thought you're talking about something to be ashamed of. This is like a cool thing you did.

[B]

No.

[A]

Come off good in the money story.

[B]

No, but I got scammed, though.

[A]

Yeah, but you come off good because you really. When you tell that story, you have to understand, you look sweet because you did something nice and someone took advantage of you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Unless an insecurity of yours is being dumb and then I guess.

[B]

Yeah, I've never got taken advantage of for, like, bad.

[A]

What?

[B]

Like, no one's ever, like, convinced me to do something bad.

[A]

No one's ever been, like, be a flunky in my crime ring. And you've gone for it? Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I'm like, oh, no, wait.

[A]

How much money did you give this guy?

[B]

Like.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Like $800 USD. Yeah. So, like, whatever. That's not bad. I know people that have been scammed for more, like, off the phone.

[A]

Yeah. But they're usually in their, like, 70s. You got scammed out of 800 as a young man?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, this is a couple of years ago.

[A]

No, that's really cool of you.

[B]

I know. I actually heard that thing happens, like, consistently, like, all the time to a lot.

[A]

Most people getting scammed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not most people, really.

[B]

It's a pretty weird kind of up.

[A]

There, actually getting scammed, especially from a guy named Henry Glover on the street.

[B]

I only asked him his name once. I was handing over the money. And then I also took down his number in case there was any issues with his money order, which there was really. If you turned it over, there wasn't really a signature there.

[A]

Can I say something? And I don't want this. This is not coming from a judgmental space. It doesn't sound like you got scammed. It sounds like you just gave a guy $800. Like, where's the scam? Usually a scam has some form of tomfoolery or trickery. An angle that's like, oh, I'm going to send it back to you. Or what was the scam?

[B]

Oh, hey, like, I can't put this in on my, like, card. Like, would you be able to. And you can have it to put in like, the money order.

[A]

So it was a money order. And I, of course, know what that means.

[B]

I. It's like a check, but it's like, you know, from like, you know, one of these, like, check cashing places.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So already it's like. Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So he took you to a check cashing place and then you just gave him an $800?

[B]

Well, I went to an ATM that was just down the block. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And you got $800 out of your own account.

[B]

Yeah. In Park Slope, Brooklyn.

[A]

In Park Slope, Brooklyn, United States. And then you walked.

[B]

I paid my fee to be there. I paid. That's a real broker. That's a real broker fee.

[A]

Yeah. You paid your community service.

[B]

Yeah, I'm allowed to be here.

[A]

And then you double wide stroller. And then you what, did you went to a what, a money order place and did what?

[B]

No, he just, he had the money order and gave it to me. But this was a faulty. This is not a thing.

[A]

If I had.

[B]

If I had looked at this for like one second and. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. It. It was basically written in crayon.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to get a big old new tv.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Basically, I deserve that.

[A]

I think it's sweet to give away $800 to that guy. I think that's nice that you did that. Regardless of you not really meaning to. And I think you should do more stuff like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you're doing good. Like get out there, give away some money.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's fine when you look at it that way.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's really nice actually, when you think about it like that. No.

[B]

Yeah. Because, you know, nice people are dumb.

[A]

So it's like, oh, for sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, I would never be nice. I would never be nice. Yeah. I'm evil and shrewd.

[B]

Yeah. But wow, the intelligence on you.

[A]

Yeah, But I mean, that's cuz I'm smart. Have you seen the discourse about. There's a discourse right now about transplants needing to do community service. Have you seen this?

[B]

Did that.

[A]

You just talked about it. That was you with the money order.

[B]

No, but I haven't. But that makes. That's very funny.

[A]

Do you feel dumb for coming to America?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel dumb.

[A]

Yeah, totally. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, Cam. But can't really leave right now. Green card processing.

[A]

Yeah. So you're really locking in?

[B]

Actually. Yeah.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

No, fully. And the door is closed behind me.

[A]

Well, you can't go back to the basement.

[B]

And I'm shaking.

[A]

It's you. You're in the. The glass box and you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you really not go back to Canada if you get.

[B]

No, I can. I have travel authorization. I actually have to go next month to Vancouver and then Toronto for shows. And I am worried about the. Let me back in.

[A]

You get to the border and they go, hey, man, it's not personal, obviously, but. Yeah, you're not coming back over here. You have a really happy life in Canada, though.

[B]

No, my life is here. No, I have nothing there, actually.

[A]

No, I'm not moving back to Canada.

[B]

No, I don't want to go there.

[A]

No. Actually, my life is here in the U.S. yeah.

[B]

You could not pay me to go back.

[A]

You're a staple in Park Slope. We need you over there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you.

[B]

I'm out there. I'm giving you money. Can't you give me money?

[A]

Yeah, you're getting.

[B]

You're getting.

[A]

I really do hesitate to even call it a scam.

[B]

I'm over there. I'm at Os Cafe.

[A]

You're getting asked for money and then just giving it to someone.

[B]

Yeah, that happened one and another time somebody yelled at me and then I gave them $20 and they yelled at me again and then I gave them another 20.

[A]

Dude, this happened, okay? I was at. I was at a restaurant in Bushwick and this guy came up on the patio and he was like talking to my. It was me and a table full of women. And he was like. He was like, excuse me, everybody, and being like a little aggressive and I was like. I was like, hey, come over here. I'll talk to you. And so we, like, stepped away and I was like, what's up? And he was like, I Need. I need. I need $24. And I was like. I was like, okay.

[B]

He was renting the Materialist.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, he's going to get it in hd. I said, okay, I've got. Let me see what I have. I have a 20. I was like, here, I have a 20. What's your name? We, like, chatted for a second, and then he was like, you know, it's my birthday. And I was like, oh, happy birthday. And then he was like, I had given him the 20. And he goes, you really don't have four more dollars? And I was like, look, I really respect that, but no, I have one. I don't carry cash. I'm not a 1920s businessman. I have $1 20 bill, and I gave it to you.

[B]

That is so funny that you had given him the money. And he was like, well, you know, you gave me this. It's my birthday.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, we, like, had a full conversation. I was like, oh, where are you from? Are you from around here? You know, we're chit chatting. He goes. And then he just, like, kind of in a pause in the conversation, goes, you really don't have four more dollars? Like, he was like. Like he was disgusted with me.

[B]

And. Did you or not?

[A]

I really didn't. I don't have. I mean, I guess I could have gone to, like, digital means I could have, like, gotten in PayPal involved or something. But then I'd end up probably in your shoes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Giving away $800. I should have given him $800.

[B]

Fuck it.

[A]

Fuck it.

[B]

Yeah, fuck it.

[A]

It was hard. I only had 20, but I did have a student once. I was. When I interned in New York, I worked with high school students. When I was in college, there was, like, a college prep program, and we would, like, show them around New York City. And I had this. We were walking through Times Square, and it's really hard because I've got, like, 20. They're mostly international students, so varying degrees of. Some of them English first language, some second, and some really good and some. It's a little tougher. But I was really hard because I've got 20 students who speak varying degrees of English, and I'm taking them through New York City. One of them, like, straggled off, and I saw him from just far enough away start to talk to a guy selling his mixtape. And I was like, hey, don't know. And then he comes over and he's like, I bought a cd. And I was like, how much did you spend on the cd? And he was like. He was like, well, this guy's like an upcoming rapper. He's like. He's got, like, a. He's got, like, a record deal coming up, and he's like. He's like, gonna be really big. He might be on, like, Billboard next month or so. He's like, telling me the pitch, basically, my student. And I was like, how much did you spend? He's like, I gave him four of these, and they were $100 bills. He didn't understand the currency conversion because he is not from here. He's like, I gave him four of these. And I was like, don't, please.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

Don't do that. And don't tell anyone that that happened.

[B]

I got scammed in Beijing, too, so we evened out.

[A]

It does even out.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. The T scam.

[A]

What happened? What's what?

[B]

I went to tea with these girls, and I had to pay.

[A]

I got scammed in Beijing. It was the tea scam, and I.

[B]

Was only there for 18 hours.

[A]

You went to. It sounds like you just went on a date.

[B]

No, they, like, picked me up outside of Mao. I was saying, what's up to the whatever leader over there.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

At the city hall or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, of course. The China City Hall.

[B]

Yeah. You know, the.

[A]

The biggest.

[B]

Yeah. So I was at city hall, and then they asked to go to tea because they wanted to practice their English. And I was just like, all right. But I was young, too. I thought I was. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't realize it was a scam. I was like, wow. Traveling, connecting with people, which is what that international student thought.

[A]

Yeah. You know, and then the scam on that one was that you just ended up buying two girls tea.

[B]

No, but it was really overpriced. And I didn't realize also the conversion until later, and I was like, oh, wow. I just spent, like, you know, $500.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, you should put a Canadian. Canadian at the time.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So that's what I was working through were with.

[A]

Yeah. You spent 500 Canadian dollars on tea with these girls?

[B]

Yeah. And it was my first time traveling, and it was, like, the first day I'd ever traveled, and I was, like, 21.

[A]

It was the first day.

[B]

It was a really bad day because I had to, like. I stayed at an airport hotel at the Beijing airport because I was actually going to Japan, but I. The ticket from Vancouver, that was really cheap, was, like, a long layover in Beijing.

[A]

It's kind of nice because you get to See Beijing then. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But then the airport hotel was not really the airport, and it was really hard to get to just because no one would take me because it was, like, just far enough. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then you had the T scam. Of course.

[B]

Yeah. And then the T scam was a major thing that's happened.

[A]

So what do you think the scam is on that one? That the girls maybe get a kickback from the place?

[B]

Yeah, they're getting, like. They're getting like. Yeah, they're kind of like agent, managers, manager. Kind of like 10% kind of vibe.

[A]

Yeah. Like, hey, if you bring in some guy who's it's his first day ever traveling.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

We'll give you a percentage of whatever you get out of it. Yeah.

[B]

How did they find me? I was just looking around, like, this place crazy. You.

[A]

I'm gonna say this with love, and I mean it. With love. You know, you're my boy. You do look like an easy mark. You've got sweet eyes and you've got a vibe that says, this guy will take me to T. Yeah.

[B]

I think the problem is, is my thing is that it feels like I've always, like, just, like, taken out an air, like AirPod or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But that's my, like, general like of what's going on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But once you get to know me, I'm, like, really mean and.

[A]

Trude. Yeah. You're harsh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I've said that about you for years now.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I've said.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've said, this guy seems sweet. Seems like a nice guy. You get to know him.

[B]

Villain.

[A]

He's a. He's a. He's a scary guy.

[B]

Meet the fucker.

[A]

He's a fucker. And he's like. I've said, like, he'll scam people. I've said that about you. He's. He's a scammer.

[B]

You heard that?

[A]

Yeah. Chance knows this. I talk about you before you came in today.

[B]

No. Yeah. But I have a lot of regrets and mistakes I've made.

[A]

What are they? What's your biggest regret? And be so honest, I can't.

[B]

I actually can't really.

[A]

Actually, you know what? Forget that.

[B]

I've actually been reckoning with that for a while, and I haven't come to grips with what I've done. But I. But to everybody, I am sorry to all involved, but know that I'm the most affected by it.

[A]

Yeah. In all situations I've been involved in, everyone just take. Take solace in the fact that I'M the most affected.

[B]

Yeah. Because, you know, you have lives like you've moved on, but me, I'm kind of stuck in that. Yeah, you kind of look back like, what was that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But me, I'm still there, you know?

[A]

Yeah. I'm trying to think of my regrets.

[B]

So apologize to me.

[A]

I will. And I'll tell other people too, as well.

[B]

Thank you so much. Yeah, that'd be such a weight.

[A]

I start going. I start going around town being like, do you know Gavin Matz? Could you shoot him an apology? I've never been in a room with this many men before. I don't think it's straight up. We've got. Everyone in the room right now is a man, I assume.

[B]

Sorry, fellas. I like that kind of shit. I like shit like that.

[A]

I fucking actually love shit like that.

[B]

Yeah, you're.

[A]

You're a boy.

[B]

Yeah, I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I'm a boys, boy. But I have sisters. You're not a good. A bad guy trying to seem good.

[A]

I've. It's. Seriously. I've said, do you have sisters? Do you have sisters for real? I know you do.

[B]

Yeah. 3.

[A]

The two sluttiest things that a straight man can do is have a sister that he loves and post pictures with a puppy. When straight men post pictures with puppies, it's like, oh, you're fucking up to something.

[B]

Guilty. Lock me up. I'd be doing photos with my dog in a bag.

[A]

I know. That's what I'm saying. And that's so.

[B]

That is slutty. I love my younger sisters.

[A]

That's really. Yeah, that's. That's. It's good. But it's like, there is something about it to me that really rings as, like, that guy's a little untrustworthy, you know? Like, if you hated your sister, I'd be like, now that's a guy.

[B]

But younger sisters, older sister. I'm not as. You know what I mean? What I'm not. Well, I love. She just visited me, so that was nice. And. And. And I knew that she gave me a nice. So like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

[B]

She's cute as hell.

[A]

The niece.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's her deal?

[B]

She just like, starting to talk bangs, you know what I mean? 3 year old with bangs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

Really cool when they do that.

[B]

Yelling a lot more, sweating.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is she okay?

[B]

I FaceTimed her the other day. She was just like, yelling help and like, pretending to be hurt.

[A]

It was awesome.

[B]

I was like, that is Number one top favorite bit so far. You. That I've seen over FaceTime. How do you do? Be funny over that.

[A]

You saying, yeah, my niece is so cute. She has bangs. She's always sweating and yelling. Yelling for help. Like, what?

[B]

You know what I mean? Real kid.

[A]

That is cool. I do wish. I wish I had an opportunity to be distressed more often.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In, like, a funny way, you know, to be. I wish I was more. I wish I had more, like, flustered. Like, what I mean by that is like, I wish I was carrying, like, 17 pizzas on one roller skate, you know?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't have any slapstick moments.

[B]

And when's the last time you were frazzled?

[A]

I don't get frazzled. I'm like a pretty. I'm like this. I'm like, real even, you know, I need. Well, I get upset. That's not the same as frazzled.

[B]

No.

[A]

I get pissed off.

[B]

You need to be on, like, your Pink Panther, Steve Martin. I'm talking.

[A]

What do you think we're gonna do about men and boys? Like, what's going on with them? What is. Yeah, what are we gonna do? Like.

[B]

Well, look, you know, I feel like I'm in, like, a good place emotionally with my friends. Pretty vulnerable guy. But then at the same time, we are, like, playing, like, a. We all got a video game together that we're playing, and it's like a right wing, like, police game.

[A]

What's the game?

[B]

It's called, like, Ready or Not. And it's like, you have to stop, like, terrorists and stuff.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, so it's like. Yeah, we're like, tell each other that we love each other. But then it's also like we're 30 years old and we're trying to stop pedophiles in a bad. In a video game.

[A]

Yeah. You're playing police.

[B]

We're, like, slowly being like. We're creating a new, like, kind of red pill where it's like. It's like a combination of, like, red and blue, where it's like a purple pill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? And that's kind of how we're fighting back is like we're blending the two sides.

[A]

Yeah. I asked you kind of jokingly what we should do about men and boys, and then you told me that you and your boys are creating a new red pill. So. Yeah, it's got.

[B]

It's like Rothko. It's like a new color. It's like. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, it's a square, but it's beautiful because it's detailed.

[B]

So. So to answer your question, I don't know. I don't know. Wrong person to ask.

[A]

I gathered that really quickly. I thought you might be the right person to ask, but now it turns out you're playing the police in your free time.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. I went from ACAB to like. You got my six.

[A]

Yeah. You got my.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You're doing this. I only. I play. I play one video game. You probably don't even want to know what it is.

[B]

Madden.

[A]

Yeah. You already knew that. See?

[B]

Not football.

[A]

Canada. Well, that's the Canada.

[B]

We have it. Yeah, but it's even bigger there.

[A]

What?

[B]

The field.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The field is huge. Yeah.

[A]

I don't. What's a Canadian football team?

[B]

BC Lions.

[A]

I've never heard of that in my life.

[B]

G. Roy Simon.

[A]

What?

[B]

Watch the highlights.

[A]

Is it 8 man or 11 man?

[B]

I don't know. But the field is so big. They. It looks like I could do it.

[A]

You think?

[B]

Because there's so much. They look tinier. Yeah, because the field is bigger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it's like 20 yards every other side.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, it's like. It's like the. And the. And the field goal thing is like close to the. You know what I mean? So people can run into it.

[A]

Yeah. Wait, what?

[B]

Yeah, because it's at the front of the end zone.

[A]

The field goals at the front of the end zone.

[B]

Yeah. So you could be like. You could like YouTube, like Canadian football. Running into field posts. Like the field goal post.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like, you know, wide receiver cutting across the middle, hit in the post, really getting blown up.

[A]

That's crazy. Yeah. Do you guys not feel like that's a liability?

[B]

I think they should add more stuff to the field.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Trapdoors, actually.

[A]

This would be sick.

[B]

Ball pits.

[A]

Ball pits.

[B]

A spring. Shoot them way higher.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or like, they should have jet packs.

[B]

Yeah, they should.

[A]

The guy should wear jet packs. And then only like once. Maybe once every couple plays you can use your jet pack. But not all the time. Yeah, obviously.

[B]

I like that you love football. It's like a nice thing about you.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah, I think it's like, you know, it's like. It's like another extra layer. It's like if you were, like, good at math.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. You know, like, you're like, really good at math.

[A]

I think I'm pretty good at math. Give me a problem.

[B]

I see. I don't know enough, you know. You don't know enough about math.

[A]

You Know enough about math to give me an equation.

[B]

Yeah. I seriously kind of tuned out at, like, long division.

[A]

Do you know, would you know your times tables? Like, 12 times 12?

[B]

Yeah, that. Yeah.

[A]

What's 12 times 12?

[B]

No, it's 144.

[A]

Nice. See? Don't play with me. You know what? 12.

[B]

I needed a second.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

It's been a minute. You know what I mean? Haven't stretched in a while. Kind of tight.

[A]

I got really serious about times tables when they dropped those. When that. When. When you got to the point in school where it was like, okay, we're doing, like, speed, like, race times tables. I got real into that. Oh.

[B]

My problem was I was in a 3, 4 split.

[A]

What?

[B]

So when they dropped that, I was, like, kind of. I was too young, really, to. You know what I mean?

[A]

What's a three, four split?

[B]

Like, half the class is grade three, half the class is grade four.

[A]

What?

[B]

So I was grade three.

[A]

Is this a thing we do in.

[B]

The U.S. no, that's probably Canada.

[A]

Why is the class half and half? Does that make sense?

[B]

You know, you get some full classes, but then you get some. You know. That's why I like older women. No, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, no, no, no, I don't say that.

[B]

That's really. No, that's probably not. Why?

[A]

Wait?

[B]

Because I need to be, like, stable emotionally, financially.

[A]

I'm not gonna actually be able to get past it. The. The half the class is third grade, half is fourth grade. For what reason?

[B]

Probably due to, like, amount of kids. Like, it would, like, equal that. Of, like, you know, there's like, two and a half full classes of, like, you know, 30 kids in one. 30 kids in one. And then there's only 15 other kids, but then there's also 15 left over. So it is math.

[A]

Yeah. This is really good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really confused by that, but I love it, actually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because.

[B]

Yeah. And I've. I've really been thinking about class sizes a lot lately because I saw weapons and in Mrs. Gandy's class, you know what I mean, there's only 18 kids. I go, this is America. Like, this looks great. Like, what is this, neighbor? Yeah. What is this? Maybrook school district is really great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless, of course, you know, until 2:17am or whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Every kid, they ran out of the class.

[A]

Did that actually happen in real life? The weapons thing, did that actually happen?

[B]

No.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

No.

[A]

Wouldn't that be cool?

[B]

That'd be much better than what happens for real?

[A]

What do you mean? What do you mean by that? Oh, did you guys understand that and I didn't. He was talking about, like, the fact that we have mass shootings in the United States. Yeah. I didn't understand.

[B]

You're not supposed to say it out loud.

[A]

Mass shootings?

[B]

Yeah. It's a secret thing that happens every day. You're not supposed to talk about it.

[A]

Don't bring that up. It's our thing that happens every day that we keep. Yeah.

[B]

You're like, what's the list of things going on right now? And then for some reason, it's like, oh, we're not going to talk about the other mass shooting that happened today.

[A]

Yeah, we have a lot of those, huh?

[B]

Yeah. Like. No.

[A]

Every day I've been thinking about getting a gun.

[B]

Yeah. I can't. I can't.

[A]

You can't have a gun because you're.

[B]

No. Because if I hear the. The. The. The default iPhone alarm.

[A]

Okay. This is what we were talking about. Default iPhone alarm makes me. Yeah. It triggers something in me that I can't even really describe to you. It makes me so angry and ill. Yeah.

[B]

And people just have it. And sometimes you hear it in public.

[A]

I.

[B]

And you just lose it.

[A]

Yeah. Wait, in public, you're hearing it?

[B]

I've heard it, like, I've heard it, like, when I've, like, been on a plane. I've heard it, like, as somebody's, like, reminder alarm. You know what I mean? It's just, like, so dep. It's like your alarm you're picking is default.

[A]

Also radar. It's like, it sounds like a bomb shelter. Like a fallout. Like, it really sounds like. Like there's a bomb dropping as we speak. You need to get underground.

[B]

Yeah. Chris Evans character in Material is.

[A]

Chris Evans is immature. Oh, never mind. Sorry. I was.

[B]

Yeah. And it was like. I think it was like. And his character is, like, poor. So I was like. I was like, oh, she's like. Means like. That's like the poor alarm. That's like. The alarm for poor people is, like the default iPhone alarm.

[A]

I didn't see Materialist. There's an alarm for poor people.

[B]

No, he's poor in it. The whole thing is rich poor. Class, intersectionality, feminism.

[A]

That movie. It sounds good.

[B]

Yeah, I bought it last night.

[A]

You watched it last night?

[B]

Yeah, it was $19.99 to rent or $25 to buy, so I own it.

[A]

You own Materialist Digitally?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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I chance does research on our guests for the show and I was reading the stuff about you before the show today and one of the things, it's not on there. You won't find it. I already threw it away. I didn't want you to see it. But one of the things that it said was that and I don't know where Chance found this, but I guess one time you bomb so hard at stand up that the next day you watch Requiem. Requiem for a Dream.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

How was that?

[B]

A weird deep hole.

[A]

That's a really weird deep hole, isn't it? He Pulls the strangest stuff. Ice cream truck. That would be so sick right now.

[B]

Actually, I'm gonna need the cherry dip in a waffle cone.

[A]

Is that your order?

[B]

Yeah. Cherry dip, waffle cone. The cherry dip is so, like, waxy and nice that when you break through that layer and you finally get to the ice cream.

[A]

I don't. I can't do cherry like that. I can do cherry ice cream. I can't do, like, cherry dip like, the cherry. I don't like. I don't like cherry in that way, but cherry ice cream with actual cherry ice cream. No, you do. No, I promise you I don't.

[B]

No, you do.

[A]

Kevin, please.

[B]

Because someone else told me this too. Like, they're like, I don't like that. And it's like, you don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I had not thought about that.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Like.

[B]

Yeah. When's the last time tried?

[A]

When's the last time try.

[B]

Cut word out. Get to point.

[A]

When's the last time try cherry ice cream topping? Honestly, that's a really good point. You backed me into a corner because I would say it's gotta be at least years. Yeah. Last time try was years.

[B]

Taste bud change.

[A]

One more time. Taste bud change. Taste might change. Last time. Since last time Try. What do you think you would be if you weren't a comedian? That just came to my mind. The Rizzler 2. You think you would be the Rizzler 2? Part of his whole thing is that he's extremely young.

[B]

I would be like a teacher.

[A]

Oh. I was kind of hoping for something more crazy.

[B]

I've never really thought about it, but I think that's the only job I could do because it's pretty simple.

[A]

What kind of teacher would you be?

[B]

Like something inconsequential, like social studies.

[A]

Something inconsequent you're gonna get. So the social studies teacher community is gonna come for you so hard for that. Social studies teachers are on this show.

[B]

Yeah, but like a socials teacher for like. Like, like fifth grade or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's anybody really retaining from that?

[A]

States. You guys probably didn't have to do this.

[B]

I know the states. You don't know provinces?

[A]

I do. Ontario, Quebec. Of course there's Alberta. And then of course. Of course. Of course there's Alberta. Of course we.

[B]

And. And look, they. They'd like to not be there.

[A]

Ontario. Ontario. What did they got mad at me one time for the way I pronounce this. It's Ontario.

[B]

Yeah. So the second way you said that is probably what.

[A]

That's what I did. That got them mad.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

When I know that it's on. Yeah.

[B]

You know when you pronounce a place wrong and then people act like you. You're doing it to them on purpose.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like Louisville.

[A]

Louisville.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Yeah. Well, there were freaks about that, though.

[B]

Yeah, but it's. And it's the most complicated way to say it.

[A]

There are freaks about that because it's. It shouldn't be Louisville. It should be Louisville because it was named after a freaking King Louie.

[B]

Right.

[A]

This is how. This is how this midwest and south in this country is, though. There's a town in Missouri called Versailles. Versailles. They have just decided to pronounce it Versailles.

[B]

And how's the. How's the real real estate in Missouri? And for sale?

[A]

Chance. Chance knows when I look at him, I want an applause for the guest. Would you ever buy a house in Kansas City or No, I don't know.

[B]

Where I'm gonna buy a house yet.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm still thinking about where. Yeah. That's kind of like what's stopped me personally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, because you've been back and forth.

[A]

You were under contract on one in like Bora Bora, and then you're like, no, I don't get over there enough.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bora Bora. Yeah. I don't know. I. I would, I would. I would like to. Kansas City seems nice. I have no connection to it personally, although I know things are happening there led by you, sir.

[A]

I'm over there.

[B]

I know, but is that enough for me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you got mum there.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

I don't got mom there.

[A]

My mom being there is actually a. That's a deterring factor.

[B]

Okay. That makes me feel bad.

[A]

People think I am in Kansas City because my mom is there. Her being there is a deterring.

[B]

Okay, good. Okay.

[A]

Just kidding. Shout out. Mom. Love you.

[B]

No, and I love mine as well.

[A]

Well, you don't want to go back to Canada, though. We already tried that.

[B]

I. I do not.

[A]

I tried to send you back to Canada earlier on the episode and you got mad.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

I.

[B]

It might be done for you. Yeah, well, not let me back in.

[A]

Do you really think?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

That's scary. I don't even want to think about it. I'd come get you. Yeah.

[B]

It's hard for me.

[A]

Yeah. You are the most put upon immigrant. I think that I probably know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Personally, you're like the face of immigrants to me.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, new Titanic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll accept that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. I just watched a documentary on Netflix about. I don't remember her name. Amy something. 1998. Have you guys seen this? The girl who went missing on the cruise ship in Curacao. Where'd she go? Well, that's the question on everyone's mind. They couldn't figure it out. Basically, the poop cruise one. Poop cruise. What's Poop Cruise?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Poop Cruise is. It was.

[B]

It's a Netflix doc as well, where.

[A]

A Carnival cruise ship lost power in the middle of the sea. I don't want to hear about this anymore. No, thank you. What you're talking about is Amy Lynn Bradley. I don't want to talk about the poop cruise anymore.

[B]

So she went missing.

[A]

She went missing.

[B]

Not funny.

[A]

They don't know what happened to her. But then here's what.

[B]

Okay, so this is the crazy fallen off.

[A]

Well, that's what you think, right? And then. But then the parents do, like, a big search and rescue thing where they're like, okay, they couldn't find the body in the water or anything. And then. But then months and months and months later, people are having reports in the nearest town of, like, she's here. We've seen her alive. Like, she's in the town. And they couldn't track. They have. They still. I don't know. I didn't finish a documentary because I had to go somewhere. But I don't think they've still tracked her down. But they were getting, like, very, like, verifiable reports of people that were like, yeah, I saw a white woman that kind of matches her description. Did she have a tattoo on her upper shoulder of the Tasmanian devil?

[B]

Oh, I thought she was, like, a child.

[A]

No, she's a grown woman.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, she does have that tattoo.

[B]

Oh, maybe she faked her own death.

[A]

I don't think she faked her death because she did. Well, do you think that's what she was trying to do?

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let her live.

[A]

You know, there was a bass player on the ship in the ship band who she was seen with last.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's a lot of speculation about his role in the whole thing.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I don't know if the bass player was involved, Gavin, but I'm very concerned about the situation. And it turns out, by the way, that the girl, the woman, is a lesbian who had recently come out to her parents and they had a bad response due to homophobia. So then you think, did they throw her overboard for being lesbo?

[B]

Or maybe she was punishing them.

[A]

That's a really good point. And I know that you might not have been being sincere, but I like it.

[B]

No, no, I'm being positive.

[A]

I like that idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That she got lesbian revenge by being like, fudge it. I'm going to jump off the boat and live in Curacao.

[B]

Curacao.

[A]

You know where that's at? Because I don't.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

I know it's a four hour flight from New York because I looked it up because it looked beautiful.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

In the documentary.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Truly, in the documentary they were like, they were like telling all the horrible, horrible story about how she wasn't found. And they're showing pictures of the beaches. And I started, while I was watching, I started googling flights, New York, Curacao. And then I started going resorts, Curacao.

[B]

Oh, anything good?

[A]

Now the resorts didn't look, no offense to the community there. The resorts didn't look great. And I also don't really, really love resorts. The beach was beautiful. But then they were talking about all the crime. The documentary immediately turned into how dangerous the island is. And I was like, okay, okay. You start to see why I maybe shouldn't go there.

[B]

Maybe it was like a curse out like anti tourism propaganda.

[A]

Yeah. By Big Bora Bora.

[B]

Big, Big Bora Bora.

[A]

There was a really funny part where the, the family like woke up, realized that she was missing on this cruise. And then they go to the, they go to the cruise director and they're like, hey, you need to do an announcement across the whole ship that we can't find our daughter. And he goes, It's 7am we're not going to disturb the guests.

[B]

Dude, they were water sliding all night.

[A]

I thought that was pretty sick.

[B]

I need to get some sleep.

[A]

He was like, that's crazy. But we're not doing that.

[B]

7:00Am yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

God forbid.

[B]

Sorry that you're like confused right now.

[A]

But also seven, she probably just had a couple too many drinks and is hanging out on the pool deck. That's what they thought.

[B]

Now can I ask you a question that's related but really almost a separate path we'd go here.

[A]

Do I think I'll ever go missing?

[B]

No. Ah, see that wasn't gonna be my question, but I. Yeah, that's great. I was thinking if you would ever think that you would be in anything like true crime related you know, do you.

[A]

I think I'll be a victim of a crime that gets spoken. Or.

[B]

Or like in the general.

[A]

Do I think I'll perpetrate a crime.

[B]

Or you'll be in like. You'll be like a talking head.

[A]

Oh, Like, I'm like, oh, Gavin really.

[B]

Lit up a room when you're an arsonist.

[A]

Yeah. When you. Yeah, Gavin, don't get me thrown off. I'm trying to think about the crime that might happen to you. Yeah. I'd be. I'd be in your documentary.

[B]

Well, I wasn't going to try to make one. What if someone like John Lennon do.

[A]

You shot me. Shot me in the park.

[B]

They, like, loved you.

[A]

I have thought about this in terms of ways to die. Being shot by a fan. But you were my fan.

[B]

You know what I mean? What was his last words?

[A]

That's it. Yeah, he. He got shot in the head and then he went, oh, but you were my fan. And then I think he bled out and died. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

No. I don't want to get shot ever. About anything.

[B]

I get so scared about that.

[A]

Guns.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Knife is worse, though, don't you think?

[B]

A hundred percent.

[A]

Knife has got to be the worst one.

[B]

Yeah. Knife is tough because I don't like anyone like, close to me. You know what I mean? Like, I'd almost rather be shot because I'm like, get away. Now you have to look into my eyes.

[A]

Knife is tough.

[B]

Leaves me.

[A]

You saying that knife is tough because of the proximity of the person killing you.

[B]

Yeah. I just don't like anyone like, so close to me. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, at least if it's happening far away, I can kind of like let go of the situation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, oh, it was far away. There was nothing I could have done. But knife is like, I could have moved.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Could have moved. Could have got out of here.

[A]

Well, this is what I've always felt about getting stabbed, is that I'm like, how am I not just moving?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you're gonna stab me, but I can move over there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It feels like a way harder one to believe. Unless, I guess. Your knife is really big.

[B]

Yeah. You know, last month I was getting like, I was going through like a cut. Like my hand was getting cut a lot phase. Like, like I was just like, you know, like making food and shit and like accidentally cutting myself like all the time. Like, my mom used to have that, like, you know, there was like a three month span where she was like, trying to make guacamole. And every time she used an avocado, like, was cutting an avocado, she would just, like, scream. And you'd, like, run into the room, like, what happened? And she was like. It was like she was, like, just trying to make guacamole. But it was like, every time, it's like, kathy, please, girl. Like, stop. Like, open. Holding an avocado while you try to just cut it in half. You know what I mean? Put the avocado down, Kathy.

[A]

I'm still so.

[B]

That was happening me a lot. And I, you know, I do have moments where I'm like, oh, man, I'm my mother.

[A]

You know, I'm still really not over you saying I've been going through a hands getting cut a lot phase.

[B]

I didn't know how else to put it. Like, articulate that as if it's, as.

[A]

If it's like a cycle you go through.

[B]

Yeah. Like, you know, like, there's just one little cut scab, like, here. But, you know. Yeah, it was worse. It was, like, all over my fingers. I do think the craziest thing about it, though, and it does always blow my mind is like, you can heal.

[A]

What?

[B]

Like you heal. You know what I mean? Like, this was way bigger. It's going away.

[A]

Like, yeah, your body's fixing it, and I don't.

[B]

And we never really are, like, talking.

[A]

We never talk about the, the power of the human body to heal.

[B]

Yeah. Like skin, epidermi, dermis, whatever.

[A]

Where's the cut? Let me see.

[B]

Well, this is just like, nothing, but, like, you know, there's. How are you kind of healed?

[A]

How are you getting your cuts from cooking?

[B]

You said, oh, this one time I grabbed a knife in the sink by accident.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And fuck.

[A]

That really made my body jump.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it was an accident, but I, I, I thought it was the other way around.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That really scares me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't. That makes me really scared. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's just, like, fucked you. So you grabbed it and cut your fingers.

[B]

I wasn't, like, looking, and I was like, I needed that knife and I was gonna wash it. And for some reason, I just like. And then I was like, oh, what the hell? I gotta do stuff today. I had, like, three band aids wrapped around my fingers. Looked insane.

[A]

You got cut?

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, I look like I dislocated my fingers bowling.

[A]

Yeah. That's really scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like that. That's why I don't do dishes.

[B]

Yeah. I love it.

[A]

To do dishes.

[B]

Yeah. Do you really piss me off. I'll go do them.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. It's, like, soothing to me.

[A]

That's actually really. I hope I. I hope I have somebody like you living in my house someday in that regard. That's kind of the perfect. Kind of. When I dream about, like, the perfect life partner, I think of somebody who wants to do all the things I don't want to do and vice versa.

[B]

Yeah. You know what's annoying is when you're doing something that, you know someone that doesn't want to do, they, like, just go ahead.

[A]

No, Find it.

[B]

Hold on a second. Yeah, I actually got lost for a second. I feel like that. That damn lady on that ship. But, you know, when you're. You do something that somebody else doesn't want to do, and you know that you kind of like doing it, but it's hard for you to explain to them that you like doing it. You know what I mean? So it comes off you doing it as, like, passive aggressive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? So people are, like. They almost feel, like, offended by you then doing the dishes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've had, like, roommates where I'm like. I've had to be like, I am not doing this because you don't do them.

[A]

This is not a note to you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't want to be over there watching TV with you. You know what I mean?

[A]

That's probably the part that feels passive aggressive.

[B]

I don't want to watch TV with them.

[A]

That's. See, but that's. I'm just gonna tell you, that's the part that seems passive aggressive.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is going. I don't want to kick up and relax. I like doing the dishes. That's. I'm just gonna pinpoint for you. That's the part that I don't want.

[B]

To do nothing with my life and just sit around.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want to do dishes.

[A]

That feels different. That feels aggressive in a different way. That doesn't feel passive aggressive. That feels.

[B]

I'm doing a nice thing, and I don't need you to appreciate that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In any way.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Nice. I get it. I feel for you.

[B]

You know what I mean? But some people, they, like, you would then take it the right way, which is nice. I think if somebody is, like, cleaning or something, shut the fuck up about it.

[A]

Yeah. Let them.

[B]

But it's hard because we're, like, conditioned by, like. Like any time I was, like, there was cleaning happening around me, like, growing Up. And this is why I think, like, this is, like, it would be like a warning.

[A]

One more time.

[B]

Like, it'd be like a warning. You know what I mean?

[A]

I thought you said it would be horny.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

I was like, whoa.

[B]

No, not horny.

[A]

Cleaning is horny. Okay. I'm new to that.

[B]

No, no, I don't think that. But that. I think for some people, they like. Like a maid costume kind of thing.

[A]

French made idea.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because cleaning makes me, like.

[A]

It, like, makes you.

[B]

Makes me feel like a good boy.

[A]

Yeah, well, people are really into that. There's. There's gay guys on Grindr that. That'll be their whole thing. They're like, I just want to come. I want to come over and clean your house. Make me clean your house.

[B]

Oh, right. Or you could go do that for them.

[A]

You could. But I've never. I've tried.

[B]

Was on there for a while.

[A]

I tried to get one over for a minute.

[B]

You did?

[A]

There was one guy I was messing with. His. His whole thing is, he was like, be mean to me while I clean your house. And I didn't want to be mean to him, but I did need my house clean. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I was like, come over and clean my house.

[B]

Did he clean it?

[A]

No, he was like. He was like. He was like, what time, sir? And I was like, now? He was like, I can't.

[B]

He's like, I can't right now.

[A]

He's like, I can't come right now.

[B]

I can't. I'm at the hospital with my mom. I cannot. Please don't be mean to me about any personal stuff. Just about my cleaning.

[A]

Yeah. No, he was like, I'm at work right now. And I was like. I was like, I. I literally thought it was part of it. And I was like, no, you're not. Get over here. Yeah.

[B]

You're like, come get my dust bunnies, you little.

[A]

Yeah. And it didn't. It didn't work. So I didn't get my house cleaned. But I thought it was gonna be so cool. It's like, here's this gay guy who wants me to, like, be mean to him while he cleans my house. And here I am having a house that needs cleaned.

[B]

Do you imagine somebody coming and cleaning for free?

[A]

And you. You have to. The hard part is you do have to be mean to them, which obviously feels really bad.

[B]

What would you do?

[A]

What would you say to be mean to him? Why is. Clean my house?

[B]

What would you have done?

[A]

I'D be like, you're pathetic.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Clean my house.

[B]

God, he would have cleaned so good.

[A]

That's what he wants.

[B]

I would have been like. I would have been like. I would have spat on the ground.

[A]

Really? You're gonna make it more dirty and wipe it up. I think he wants you to make it more dirty, Gavin. Jeez, that's horrible.

[B]

Oh, you missed a spot.

[A]

This plant you're throwing. Yeah, you're throwing. You're throwing, like, wine glasses against the wall. He's like, okay, that's actually not a guy I was on. I was filming something last night of a commercial for an overnight for a commercial. Crazy. And a guy broke a bottle near me. Like, he was, like, moving a light, and he tipped over like a glass water bottle, and it broke all over the floor. And everyone's like, whoa. Because the noise was loud. And then he goes, well, that wasn't a good place for that to be. I was like, you knocked it over.

[B]

No, that's the best thing to say.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, what?

[B]

No, that's cool.

[A]

No, I was happy for him. I was like, good for. Genuinely seem to believe that.

[B]

Yeah. That's not the good place, and neither is this. For this thing. Look, over there throws smoke, smashing a.

[A]

Window and being like, that's been there.

[B]

I just come and break stuff. I need that guy to recruit me for that. To do bad stuff.

[A]

Yeah. To get into his crime ring.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Gavin, what's so true to you?

[B]

Okay. What's so true to me.

[A]

Off top.

[B]

Off dome, is the entertainment industry has started to suck once we stop calling people sellouts.

[A]

Whoa. Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. And I hate to bring this up after you said you did a commercial last night.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I am a sellout.

[B]

No, no, but no offense. There's no offense.

[A]

No, I take it.

[B]

No. Because you're funny and good.

[A]

I don't mind being called a sellout, actually, if we're not doing it. So I'm not worried about it. Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm like, if someone told me that, I'd be like, that's no worries. My bills are paid. I'd be fine with that. I don't.

[B]

You know, But. But I don't even mean that. I just think, like. Like, because now I think it's okay to sell out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's fine. And it's like this thing that. It's like, you almost are like, yeah, I'm going to do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we've almost, like, we let go of this thing that existed in, like, the 90s, like, where you're like, cousin would call you a sellout and you're like, okay, I'll never do that.

[A]

You know, you were like, this is bad.

[B]

Yeah. And now you people exist now where it's like, you know, they've benefited from like nepotism, but then they'll still do like an ad for Citibank.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Do you know what? Okay, I'm gonna say something about your point that I think is a little different, but I was inspired by your point. I think that we can't call people sellouts anymore because the entertainment industry sucks. I think we have to sell out because there's no. You used to. I don't know if people fully grasp this or not. People who don't work in our industry. A staff writer for Modern Family was making so much fucking money. If you staff write for a TV show now you're making like, not that, not, not much residuals, if any, and you're making like scale for like six months. These people used to write 20 episode seasons for a lot of fucking money. We used to have an actual industry. Now there's full on TV writers that they. They can't make a living to even live in la.

[B]

Right. And I mean, and if you were a TV writer, then you could have like six kids and they will be like the only new hires for a year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah. It was like all. Yeah. There's no, like, the reason so many people are turning to doing content creation and like, and like brand deals is because a lot of the money that used to exist for people to just be actors or just be standups is really not there anymore.

[B]

I know that we've lost like, people who are like, on like, you know, the edge of everybody's periphery that when they pop up, you're like, I love that person. You know what I mean? There's no like, integrity anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think that's. I think it's sad. You know what I mean? You have this show, like, you know, Black Mirror that has like, people will be doing like, it's like we've kind of like become that.

[A]

Yeah. You know what? Thank you for saying that. You know, I'm trying to be a sellout with integrity.

[B]

Well, the reason why I just. The black mirror sentence was just so incoherent was because I was about to talk where like, like, didn't matter.

[A]

But I mean, if you need to.

[B]

I'm Mark Marin.

[A]

You are Mark Marin.

[B]

I'm on a Mark Marin podcast run.

[A]

I actually don't think of you as Marc Maron. I think of you way more as, like, Louis. Yeah, C.K.

[B]

Yeah, I know who the fuck you're talking about. I pre ordered his book.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah. But he's using a pseudonym for his book. It's Louis C.K. rowling.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's beautiful.

[B]

Yeah. Is that funny?

[A]

That's a really funny idea for the pseudonym to be another thing like.

[B]

Yeah, that's not true.

[A]

Oh, I don't. I don't. I don't want. I mean, I'm in hot water right now. My pseudonym is Charles Manson.

[B]

Even worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm going on tour and I'm changing my name to Jeffrey Epstein.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. Come out to a show.

[A]

Yeah, come on out.

[B]

We'll doing matinees.

[A]

What do you think of the Epstein list? Does it exist or no? Be honest. While I've got you here, the one.

[B]

Thing I'm like, okay, list. Is it like BuzzFeed?

[A]

Yeah. Top 20 pedophiles who visited Jeffrey's island.

[B]

Which pedophile are you?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, the Epstein quiz.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun.

[B]

But thank God we don't live. We live in America, you know what I mean? Where, like, we don't have to say pedophile, you know?

[A]

Oh, that's what the Brits do. Yeah, he's a pedo. Yeah. It's so much. It's so much grosser than.

[B]

So I hate you and them.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate you both. Pedophile is really, really nasty stuff. I do wish that people would have a little. I'm trying to be a sellout with integrity. I wish people would say no. Like, when you realize how much money people are making, you're like, you could have said no to at least three of those brands, the really evil ones, you know, people that will just do anything. I'm like, that's crazy.

[B]

Yeah. It's nuts.

[A]

But then I feel like I'm just splitting hairs to make myself feel better about the fact that I do ads, you know?

[B]

Yeah, ads.

[A]

You ready to play a game or what?

[B]

Love games.

[A]

True or false segment. I'm gonna read you. Gavin, are you ready? I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[B]

O. Crap.

[A]

Yeah. It's huge. You ready? There have been three Toy Story movies false. False. 4. The first ever Starbucks in an in and the first ever Starbucks in Antarctica opened this year. True. False. Fuck. Calvin Klein is still alive.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. Winston Churchill's mother was born in Brooklyn. False. True. Tug of war used to be an Olympic event.

[B]

I've had so many wrong answers that.

[A]

True. True. The Vancouver Grizzlies were the first NBA team to have a website. True. True. Roku was founded in 1989.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. 2002. Dr. Pepper is older than Coca Cola.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. The great cup predates the Super Bowl.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Seth Rogen is 6 foot 3. Don't be wrong about this.

[B]

True.

[A]

He's really powerful in this industry.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. 511 blood donors in Sweden.

[B]

He should have that, like, leg surgery from materialist.

[A]

Seth, I know you're watching. Get the leg surgery. Blood donors in Sweden receive a thank you text anytime their blood is used.

[B]

True.

[A]

True.

[B]

Freaks.

[A]

Chinese checkers was invented in Germany. True. True. The wood frog can hold its pee for up to eight months. True. True. Arkansas's nickname is the Show Me State. True. False. It's Missouri's nickname. Arkansas's the natural state.

[B]

I'm Canadian.

[A]

It's okay. A newborn giant panda is the size of a stick of butter. True. True. How'd he do?

[B]

Nine.

[A]

Oh, damn, dude, you were so close.

[B]

What do you need? 10.

[A]

You needed at least 10. Yeah. So sorry.

[B]

It's okay. I went on a bad run at the beginning, and. And. And so I had, like, a couple false in a row that were kind of embarrassing.

[A]

Yeah, no, it was humiliating. But our fans are very forgiving. Okay.

[B]

And most people fail.

[A]

No, I think you're only, like, the second. Second or third person to fail.

[B]

And who else failed?

[A]

A lot of people. I'm just playing with you. It's. It's pretty hard.

[B]

Yeah. Like, they would be true, but they're false. And then also some of them sound false and they're true.

[A]

Yeah. It's fucked up, right? It's not cool what we do.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

I know. I'm sorry.

[B]

I didn't like it.

[A]

Is there anything you want to tell the people that we didn't get to. We've got time.

[B]

I'm doing really good right now, and I'm like. Just in terms of, like, personal life, I'm, like, pretty happy and, like, doing a lot of stuff for myself, so that's pretty good. And yeah.

[A]

Dude, that's really good to hear. For real.

[B]

I'm gonna be in Vancouver and Toronto in September. I don't know when this comes out.

[A]

This will be out by then.

[B]

On doing Stand up and I'm gonna. In Vancouver. In Toronto.

[A]

Where are you doing where?

[B]

Vancouver. It's a new club. And in Toronto at the Randolph Theater.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Which is a church where I was actually gonna film my hour, but then they told me that they actually have the Little Mermaid musical coming in a week later, so they don't know if they're going to be able to take down the set design.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm a little confused by that. But. So if I do have a kind of Aquarian theme special come out, Just know. Just know the set deck wasn't really like.

[A]

Yeah. First choice. I think doing your hour at a church in Canada that refuses to take down the Little Mermaid set is actually really fucking funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On the. We have. We'll do a bonus segment after this and when we do, I'll tell you about my idea for my next special.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

I think you'll like it. Tell people where they can find you.

[B]

Gavin, thanks for being on avinmatts on social medias.

[A]

Hell yeah. Thanks, Gavin. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan o'. Sullivan. And this is the Outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. We're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week we're gonna bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are gonna help explain why America is like this. See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why.

[B]

We got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars. Who knew the mob's involved.

[A]

All that and more. Subscribe to the Outfit wherever you get your puppies podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday in the time it takes you to actually board that flight. From Group 8. Now boarding Premier Altitude Elite club members. You could have bought a Hyundai on Amazon. Yes, that Amazon, where you buy everything else. Mid tier Altitude Elite. Feel free to board now. So while you're waiting for them to make up new boarding groups, you can order your dream car and the dealer will have it ready in no time time. Now boarding groups one through seven.

[B]

So close.

[A]

Visit HyundaiUSA.com or call 562-314-4603 for more details. Limited availability pickup through participating Hyundai dealer in select markets.