Social 333 Podcast – Episode #81

Title: Dead Bedroom Fixes and Broken Marriages | Ralph Brewer
Host: Chris D. Bentley
Guest: Ralph Brewer, Author, Founder of HelpForMen.com
Air Date: December 19, 2025

Overview

This episode delves deeply into the struggles of sexless marriages, broken relationships, and the hidden emotional patterns that drive relationship dysfunction—especially for men. Author and men’s support community founder Ralph Brewer discusses his personal journey through divorce, the explosive popularity of his book "The Dead Bedroom Fix," and the recurring themes he’s witnessed as a mentor and advisor for thousands of men. The conversation, grounded in candor and empathy, explores attachment styles, childhood scars, societal pressures, and the promise of therapy and men’s groups to foster genuine change.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Ralph Brewer’s Story & Mission

• Origins of His Work:

  • After a painful divorce and infidelity 14 years prior, Ralph coped through writing and online sharing, which evolved into books and a men’s support community ([02:40]).
  • “Part of my coping strategy was to write. So I would get online and write about my experience as a dad starting over.” – Ralph ([02:44])

• Books & Community:

  • Most noted for "The Dead Bedroom Fix" – a self-published bestseller addressing sexless marriages ([02:20]).
  • Founder of HelpForMen.com and the private Help4Men Brotherhood, now a global support group ([01:38], [27:45]).

Sexless Relationships – The Modern Epidemic

• Common Patterns in Struggling Marriages:

  • Many men in his community exhibit “anxious attachment”—constantly seeking reassurance, validation, and touch ([06:19]).
  • Partners often have “avoidant attachment,” disliking emotional closeness and vulnerability ([06:45]).
  • Most issues trace back to childhood—observing or experiencing dysfunctional relationships shapes later romantic patterns ([07:58]).

• Cycle of Dysfunction:

  • "I toyed with the idea years ago of, let's just focus on the dead bedroom thing… But it turned out that those guys had so much in common with the divorce guys… And the commonality amongst all of them is the childhood issues. It always goes back to that." – Ralph ([08:28])

Societal Factors and Changing Cultural Beliefs

• Easier to Cheat, Harder to Connect:

  • Chris observes the "temptation" and ease of finding new partners or affairs online, raising new relationship challenges ([09:08]).
  • Discussion of how marriage is glorified on social media, yet the reality often falls short—marriage is mistakenly seen as a problem-solver ([10:41]).
  • “They think that the be all, end all is getting married. And that's kind of like cleaning the slate. Everything will be so much better because the spouse will fix all the holes that are in their life. And it's really… magnifies the holes in their life.” – Chris ([11:47])

• Why People Stay Stuck:

  • Many remain in unhappy marriages for the sake of children or financial stability, or are afraid of starting over ([05:03]).

The Role of Therapy & Men’s Groups

• Shifts in Openness:

  • Chris recounts skepticism about therapy stemming from a “man up” culture, especially in high-security professions ([14:03]–[15:18]).
  • Therapy and men’s support groups are becoming more normalized—giving men language and community for their struggles ([15:23]).
  • “I think that's why a lot of these men groups are really, really coming on now. Because it's just a lot of men that are like, look, like I have a problem.” – Chris ([15:38])

• Purpose of Brotherhood:

  • Provides safe, anonymous space to share, get support, and access resources—no shame, no judgment ([27:18]).
  • "We've heard it all… No shame whatsoever. Been there and done that. That's the value of the group." – Ralph ([27:19])

The Future of Relationships and Marriage

• Declining Marriage & Fertility:

  • Marriage and fertility rates are both declining—meaning only the most committed and emotionally healthy are choosing marriage ([17:53]).
  • “Now we have, albeit a much smaller number of people, but a smaller, healthier number of people. I’m all for it.” – Ralph ([18:29])

• The New Marriage Paradigm:

  • Modern couples: more likely focused, therapy-friendly, interested in real compatibility, not just social tradition ([18:49]).
  • Societal status pressures around marriage slowly fading, though not entirely gone; single men’s career advancement may still be questioned ([19:38]).

Biological and Historical Influences

• Are We Wired for Monogamy?
  • Chris and Ralph discuss how historically tribal and polygamous societies contrast with modern monogamy—and the role of religion and social norms in shaping current expectations ([21:29]).
  • “There is an aspect of male sexuality which is we like variety… If you're the type that says infidelity is a boundary for me… good for you. But you've got to stick to it. If you don't stick to your values and your identity… people tend to walk all over you.” – Ralph ([21:35], [24:03])

Boundaries, Work, and Commitment

• Work is Essential:

  • Both emphasize that any lasting relationship demands weathering storms, setting firm boundaries, and continuous commitment ([23:41]–[24:03]).
  • “Any relationship takes a lot of work… you have to weather some storms.” – Chris ([23:43])

• Beware of Users:

  • Both men and women may enter relationships seeking someone to "take care of them" and may take advantage if boundaries are weak ([25:06]).
  • Ralph notes: gender roles in users can flip—women aren't the only ones who may take advantage ([25:27]).

Memorable Quotes

• “There was very little drama at the beginning. She was just like one of the guys. It was just… you get married, it's just what you do. That's all the thought that they put into it.” – Ralph ([12:26])

• “It doesn't fill the void.” – Ralph ([12:00])

• “If you don't stick to your values and your identity… people tend to walk all over you, take advantage of you, and you just go whichever way the wind blows. The next thing you know, your life is chaos and you're like, how did I get here?” – Ralph ([24:06])

• “Any relationship takes a lot of work and then a lot of it… you have to weather some storms. And you have to be committed no matter what. So even though that storm may affect you… at the end of the day, that's still my person.” – Chris ([23:43])

Timestamps – Important Segments

• [01:38] – Ralph Brewer introduces his background, books, and community.
• [02:40] – Ralph shares his origin story: divorce, trauma, and the birth of his writing.
• [06:19] – Discussion on anxious and avoidant attachment styles and their roots in childhood.
• [09:08] – Modern temptations and the impact of technology on infidelity.
• [11:22] – Chris on marriage myths driven by social media, the letdown of reality.
• [13:45] – Ralph on how people unconsciously repeat family relationship patterns.
• [14:03] – Chris’s personal evolution from therapy skepticism to advocacy.
• [17:53] – Declining marriage/fertility rates and what it means for the institution.
• [21:29] – Are humans naturally monogamous? Historic and religious influences.
• [24:03] – Importance of boundaries and identity in healthy relationships.
• [25:45] – Details of Ralph’s men’s support group and its services.
• [27:35] – Where to find Ralph’s work and join the Brotherhood.

About HelpForMen.com and The Brotherhood

• HelpForMen.com: Central hub for all of Ralph’s books, videos, articles, and a gateway to the Help4Men Brotherhood.
• The Brotherhood:
  • Global men’s community, primarily online but also meets in person.
  • Over 1,400 hours of audio content, live meetings, in-depth courses.
  • Offers anonymity, empathy, and expert guidance—often turning temporary members into lifetime ones ([25:45]–[27:26]).

Closing Note

This episode is a candid, insightful look at the underbelly of modern relationships and a road map for self-reflection, change, and support. Through the lens of two men’s lived experiences, listeners come away with a deeper understanding of why marriages break, what keeps men stuck, and what tools—self-knowledge, boundaries, and brotherhood—can lead to healing and healthier love.

Connect with Ralph Brewer & Discover More:

• HelpForMen.com ([27:35])
• All books and resources available through the website