Soder Podcast Episode 66: OCD Boot Camp with Graham Kay

Date: January 28, 2025
Host: Dan Soder
Guest: Graham Kay

Overview

This episode features comedian Graham Kay in a wide-ranging and candid conversation with Dan Soder. The focus is on Graham’s experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), his unusual adolescence, family dynamics, living as a Canadian immigrant in the U.S., and the peculiarities of comedy-life. Their trademark mix of honest discussion, offbeat humor, and personal storytelling makes for an insightful and funny episode.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Stereotypes, Identity, and "Gay Traits"

Timestamps: 01:00–08:30

• Dan and Graham joke about "gay traits" among straight men, riffing on fashion, interior design, and social stereotypes.
  • Graham: “I have, like, a lot of gay traits. Except for the sex stuff.” (01:00)
• They discuss generational views on queerness: older family members referring to lifelong partners as "roommates" or "spinsters."
• The conversation highlights how male style is scrutinized, especially among white guys—dressing sharply prompts questions about sexuality, whereas for Black men it’s normalized.
  • Dan: “If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in. Everybody looks like they're at the airport.” (06:02)
• Lighthearted debate about what’s considered "gay behavior" in men, with Graham and Dan analyzing their own quirks.

2. Childhood, Family, and Growing Up "Weird"

Timestamps: 09:00–18:20

• Graham recalls working retail at a Hugo Boss store in Ottawa, barely selling suits and instead using his client book as his “first joke book”—full of doodles.
  • Graham: "Mine just had... pictures of dicks in it and stuff. I was like, 22." (11:22)
• Dan reminisces about being an only child with a single mother and the unique bond (and, sometimes, oddness) that dynamic creates.
  • Dan: “I grew up an only child with a single parent… if I'm being a dick... there’s no one else to check me.”
• Graham shares about his younger brother’s profound autism and its impact: becoming mature early (“the whole world is not about you”).
• Both reflect on how their singular upbringings shaped their personalities and, ultimately, led them to comedy.

3. OCD: The Private Struggle & The Boot Camp Solution

Timestamps: 18:20–31:00

• Graham discloses his battle with debilitating OCD as a teenager—having to touch things three or nine times, sitting repeatedly, and irrational fears like "my face will change if I don't do this."
  • Graham: “I thought if I didn’t touch everything three or nine times, my face was going to change.” (18:19)
• His parents misinterpreted the compulsions as drug use, sending him to a military-style “boot camp” school in rural Saskatchewan.
  • Graham: “They sent me to boot camp for two years... I was in a town of 300 in Saskatchewan.” (18:25)
• The strict environment included draconian rules (e.g., not being allowed to use the bathroom at night or risk beatings from older students) and unique social structures (“the penis bed” for the smallest bunkmate).
  • Graham: “If you went to the bathroom, you'd get beat up. I watched a guy... he got knocked out, his feet just sticking out like the Wicked Witch.” (21:54)
• Graham admits he kept his diagnosis secret from his parents due to embarrassment, despite a psychiatrist’s diagnosis.

4. OCD, Comedy, and Channeling Repetition

Timestamps: 26:46–29:00

• Both comedians discuss how OCD can fuel a drive for mastery in comedy—relentless repetitions and open mics become an outlet for the compulsions.
  • Graham: “People with OCD are better at things like comedy or sports—stuff that takes a lot of repetition.” (27:01)
  • Dan: “If I didn’t do 15 to 20 sets a week, I’d have panic attacks about it.” (27:42)
• Mutual stories of other comics (e.g., Mike Lawrence) with similar personality quirks.

5. The Aftermath & Adult Perspective

Timestamps: 30:00–44:48

• Graham recounts reconnecting with his parents after military school, learning through therapy how his family dynamics and childhood contributed to his comedy aspirations.
  • Graham: “Therapy points out stuff, and you go, I do be doing that, dude.” (34:00)
• He reflects on how certain compulsions faded simply by leaving the family environment and "the house," not by willpower.
• The OCD is always somewhat present, manageable but dormant unless triggered by stress or fatigue.
  • Graham: “OCD is always... Like being sober. I don’t drink anymore, but I'll always be an alcoholic.” (43:48)
• For Graham, pursuit of a romantic/sex life in adulthood broke through more severe compulsions.

6. Life as an Immigrant: Deportation, Comedy Hustle, and Beating the Odds

Timestamps: 45:00–66:00+

• Graham details his circuitous path to U.S. immigration: working odd jobs under the table, getting passed at comedy clubs only if they paid in cash, subsisting on tips, and dealing with legal uncertainties for years.
• He was briefly deported after a late-night arrest during NYC’s stop-and-frisk era (he accidentally elbowed a plain-clothes cop after being grabbed from behind). His return involved personally pleading for re-entry at the Montreal consulate.
  • Graham: “Luckily she was Black and I was like, ‘I didn’t do anything, and the cops beat me up.’ She was like, ‘Oh, you got picked up—okay, no problem.’” (61:36)
• Stories of hustling, traveling, and his eventual wrecking of a “fancy” summer camp job by sending a kid to the wrong Italian city: “I immediately got fired for sending a kid to the wrong city in Italy.” (66:09)
• Candid talk about the precariousness of immigrant comedy careers—having to leave the country, cancel everything, sell belongings, and returning when paperwork finally cleared.

7. Canada vs. America & Fistfighting Culture

Timestamps: 46:40–51:37

• Dan and Graham dissect cultural differences—Canadians' reputation for physical fighting skill due to absence of guns (“every fight... see itself through into a fist fight”), and the role of hockey as an outlet.
  • Graham: “Everyone’s like, ‘You Canadians are so nice.’ Have you ever seen a hockey game?”
• Humorous rundown of hockey’s code of enforced accountability and its symbolic lesson for “office politics.”

8. Family, Marriage, and Therapy

Timestamps: 39:36–43:10

• Graham shares darkly comic family anecdotes: his parents' intense, public fights and how, as kids, he and his brother learned to tune it all out.
  • Graham: “We’d get kicked out of restaurants for being loud... my brother be spinning in the corner, and I’d be sitting up and down.” (39:41)
• He leverages family fights and tension in his stand-up, even recording their bickering for material.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Graham (18:19): “I thought if I didn’t touch everything three or nine times, my face was going to change... My parents thought I was on drugs.”
• Dan (06:02): “If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in.”
• Graham (21:54): “I just see a guy’s foot. He got knocked out and his feet were just sticking out of the bathroom doorway like the Wicked Witch of the West.”
• Dan (27:42): “If I didn’t do 15 to 20 sets a week, I’d have panic attacks about it.”
• Graham (34:00): “Therapy points out stuff, and you go, I do be doing that, dude.”
• Graham (43:55): “OCD is always—like being sober. I don’t drink anymore, but I’ll always be an alcoholic... I’ll always be OCD.”
• Graham (61:36): “Luckily she was Black and I was like, ‘the cops beat me up.’ She was like, ‘Oh, you got picked up—okay, no problem.’”
• Graham (11:30): “Mine just had... pictures of dicks in it and stuff. And there was like. I don't know. I was like, 22.”
• Dan (46:07): “That really is though. When you're an American, you're like raised to be like: kick ass, grab a gun... all your toys have guns.”
• Graham (41:27): “My dad goes, ‘Stop using tears as a weapon.’”
• Dan (68:28): “Don’t make me sit down nine times.”

Episode Structure & Flow

• The episode is a continuous, organic conversation—often stepping from one topic into the next through personal stories and wordplay.
• The tone shifts between serious and silly, with physical humor, social observations, and the occasional deep dive into emotional territory.
• Both comedians display a self-deprecating, honest approach to discussing mental health, addiction, and family dysfunction, refusing to take themselves too seriously even at the bleakest moments.

For Listeners

If you’re interested in a raw, unfiltered, and often hilarious take on mental health; the immigrant hustle; dysfunctional families; and the realities of life in stand-up comedy, this episode is both insightful and entertaining. Graham’s candor about OCD, combined with Dan’s knack for balancing empathy and irreverence, makes this a standout installment.

Follow Graham Kay: He promotes upcoming dates, specials, and his acclaimed one-man show about growing up with an autistic brother on Instagram and YouTube.

Key Segment Timestamps

• 01:00 – Stereotypes about male style and “gay traits”
• 11:00 – Graham’s retail/joke book story
• 16:50 – Family, single parenting, and sibling dynamics
• 18:20 – OCD onset and misdiagnosis
• 21:54 – Boot camp culture and “the penis bed”
• 27:01 – How OCD feeds repetition in comedy careers
• 34:00 – Therapy insights on family dynamics
• 39:40 – Family chaos and material for stand-up
• 46:40 – Canadian fistfighting culture and hockey
• 61:36 – Immigration tribulations, deportation, and consulate plea
• 66:09 – Getting fired from a summer camp for misrouting a kid in Italy

Summary by Soder Podcast Summarizer