66: OCD Boot Camp with Graham Kay | Soder Podcast | EP 64

Summary

Soder Podcast Episode 66: OCD Boot Camp with Graham Kay

Date: January 28, 2025
Host: Dan Soder
Guest: Graham Kay

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Overview

This episode features comedian Graham Kay in a wide-ranging and candid conversation with Dan Soder. The focus is on Graham’s experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), his unusual adolescence, family dynamics, living as a Canadian immigrant in the U.S., and the peculiarities of comedy-life. Their trademark mix of honest discussion, offbeat humor, and personal storytelling makes for an insightful and funny episode.

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Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Stereotypes, Identity, and "Gay Traits"

Timestamps: 01:00–08:30

• Dan and Graham joke about "gay traits" among straight men, riffing on fashion, interior design, and social stereotypes.
  • Graham: “I have, like, a lot of gay traits. Except for the sex stuff.” (01:00)
• They discuss generational views on queerness: older family members referring to lifelong partners as "roommates" or "spinsters."
• The conversation highlights how male style is scrutinized, especially among white guys—dressing sharply prompts questions about sexuality, whereas for Black men it’s normalized.
  • Dan: “If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in. Everybody looks like they're at the airport.” (06:02)
• Lighthearted debate about what’s considered "gay behavior" in men, with Graham and Dan analyzing their own quirks.

2. Childhood, Family, and Growing Up "Weird"

Timestamps: 09:00–18:20

• Graham recalls working retail at a Hugo Boss store in Ottawa, barely selling suits and instead using his client book as his “first joke book”—full of doodles.
  • Graham: "Mine just had... pictures of dicks in it and stuff. I was like, 22." (11:22)
• Dan reminisces about being an only child with a single mother and the unique bond (and, sometimes, oddness) that dynamic creates.
  • Dan: “I grew up an only child with a single parent… if I'm being a dick... there’s no one else to check me.”
• Graham shares about his younger brother’s profound autism and its impact: becoming mature early (“the whole world is not about you”).
• Both reflect on how their singular upbringings shaped their personalities and, ultimately, led them to comedy.

3. OCD: The Private Struggle & The Boot Camp Solution

Timestamps: 18:20–31:00

• Graham discloses his battle with debilitating OCD as a teenager—having to touch things three or nine times, sitting repeatedly, and irrational fears like "my face will change if I don't do this."
  • Graham: “I thought if I didn’t touch everything three or nine times, my face was going to change.” (18:19)
• His parents misinterpreted the compulsions as drug use, sending him to a military-style “boot camp” school in rural Saskatchewan.
  • Graham: “They sent me to boot camp for two years... I was in a town of 300 in Saskatchewan.” (18:25)
• The strict environment included draconian rules (e.g., not being allowed to use the bathroom at night or risk beatings from older students) and unique social structures (“the penis bed” for the smallest bunkmate).
  • Graham: “If you went to the bathroom, you'd get beat up. I watched a guy... he got knocked out, his feet just sticking out like the Wicked Witch.” (21:54)
• Graham admits he kept his diagnosis secret from his parents due to embarrassment, despite a psychiatrist’s diagnosis.

4. OCD, Comedy, and Channeling Repetition

Timestamps: 26:46–29:00

• Both comedians discuss how OCD can fuel a drive for mastery in comedy—relentless repetitions and open mics become an outlet for the compulsions.
  • Graham: “People with OCD are better at things like comedy or sports—stuff that takes a lot of repetition.” (27:01)
  • Dan: “If I didn’t do 15 to 20 sets a week, I’d have panic attacks about it.” (27:42)
• Mutual stories of other comics (e.g., Mike Lawrence) with similar personality quirks.

5. The Aftermath & Adult Perspective

Timestamps: 30:00–44:48

• Graham recounts reconnecting with his parents after military school, learning through therapy how his family dynamics and childhood contributed to his comedy aspirations.
  • Graham: “Therapy points out stuff, and you go, I do be doing that, dude.” (34:00)
• He reflects on how certain compulsions faded simply by leaving the family environment and "the house," not by willpower.
• The OCD is always somewhat present, manageable but dormant unless triggered by stress or fatigue.
  • Graham: “OCD is always... Like being sober. I don’t drink anymore, but I'll always be an alcoholic.” (43:48)
• For Graham, pursuit of a romantic/sex life in adulthood broke through more severe compulsions.

6. Life as an Immigrant: Deportation, Comedy Hustle, and Beating the Odds

Timestamps: 45:00–66:00+

• Graham details his circuitous path to U.S. immigration: working odd jobs under the table, getting passed at comedy clubs only if they paid in cash, subsisting on tips, and dealing with legal uncertainties for years.
• He was briefly deported after a late-night arrest during NYC’s stop-and-frisk era (he accidentally elbowed a plain-clothes cop after being grabbed from behind). His return involved personally pleading for re-entry at the Montreal consulate.
  • Graham: “Luckily she was Black and I was like, ‘I didn’t do anything, and the cops beat me up.’ She was like, ‘Oh, you got picked up—okay, no problem.’” (61:36)
• Stories of hustling, traveling, and his eventual wrecking of a “fancy” summer camp job by sending a kid to the wrong Italian city: “I immediately got fired for sending a kid to the wrong city in Italy.” (66:09)
• Candid talk about the precariousness of immigrant comedy careers—having to leave the country, cancel everything, sell belongings, and returning when paperwork finally cleared.

7. Canada vs. America & Fistfighting Culture

Timestamps: 46:40–51:37

• Dan and Graham dissect cultural differences—Canadians' reputation for physical fighting skill due to absence of guns (“every fight... see itself through into a fist fight”), and the role of hockey as an outlet.
  • Graham: “Everyone’s like, ‘You Canadians are so nice.’ Have you ever seen a hockey game?”
• Humorous rundown of hockey’s code of enforced accountability and its symbolic lesson for “office politics.”

8. Family, Marriage, and Therapy

Timestamps: 39:36–43:10

• Graham shares darkly comic family anecdotes: his parents' intense, public fights and how, as kids, he and his brother learned to tune it all out.
  • Graham: “We’d get kicked out of restaurants for being loud... my brother be spinning in the corner, and I’d be sitting up and down.” (39:41)
• He leverages family fights and tension in his stand-up, even recording their bickering for material.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Graham (18:19): “I thought if I didn’t touch everything three or nine times, my face was going to change... My parents thought I was on drugs.”
• Dan (06:02): “If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in.”
• Graham (21:54): “I just see a guy’s foot. He got knocked out and his feet were just sticking out of the bathroom doorway like the Wicked Witch of the West.”
• Dan (27:42): “If I didn’t do 15 to 20 sets a week, I’d have panic attacks about it.”
• Graham (34:00): “Therapy points out stuff, and you go, I do be doing that, dude.”
• Graham (43:55): “OCD is always—like being sober. I don’t drink anymore, but I’ll always be an alcoholic... I’ll always be OCD.”
• Graham (61:36): “Luckily she was Black and I was like, ‘the cops beat me up.’ She was like, ‘Oh, you got picked up—okay, no problem.’”
• Graham (11:30): “Mine just had... pictures of dicks in it and stuff. And there was like. I don't know. I was like, 22.”
• Dan (46:07): “That really is though. When you're an American, you're like raised to be like: kick ass, grab a gun... all your toys have guns.”
• Graham (41:27): “My dad goes, ‘Stop using tears as a weapon.’”
• Dan (68:28): “Don’t make me sit down nine times.”

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Episode Structure & Flow

• The episode is a continuous, organic conversation—often stepping from one topic into the next through personal stories and wordplay.
• The tone shifts between serious and silly, with physical humor, social observations, and the occasional deep dive into emotional territory.
• Both comedians display a self-deprecating, honest approach to discussing mental health, addiction, and family dysfunction, refusing to take themselves too seriously even at the bleakest moments.

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For Listeners

If you’re interested in a raw, unfiltered, and often hilarious take on mental health; the immigrant hustle; dysfunctional families; and the realities of life in stand-up comedy, this episode is both insightful and entertaining. Graham’s candor about OCD, combined with Dan’s knack for balancing empathy and irreverence, makes this a standout installment.

Follow Graham Kay: He promotes upcoming dates, specials, and his acclaimed one-man show about growing up with an autistic brother on Instagram and YouTube.

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Key Segment Timestamps

• 01:00 – Stereotypes about male style and “gay traits”
• 11:00 – Graham’s retail/joke book story
• 16:50 – Family, single parenting, and sibling dynamics
• 18:20 – OCD onset and misdiagnosis
• 21:54 – Boot camp culture and “the penis bed”
• 27:01 – How OCD feeds repetition in comedy careers
• 34:00 – Therapy insights on family dynamics
• 39:40 – Family chaos and material for stand-up
• 46:40 – Canadian fistfighting culture and hockey
• 61:36 – Immigration tribulations, deportation, and consulate plea
• 66:09 – Getting fired from a summer camp for misrouting a kid in Italy

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Summary by Soder Podcast Summarizer

Transcript

[A]

Alabama. I've never done shows in Alabama. Well, guess what? That's about to change. February 20th through the 22nd, I will be in Huntsville, Alabama, at levity live for five shows. Grand Rapids, Michigan. I will see you March 8th. I'll be headlining a show for Gilda's Fest. One show. Come on out, California. It's such a. I don't have a singing voice. I have a voice for stand up and thank God that's what I'm doing in California. February 28th, I will be at the Balboa Theater in San Diego. March 1st, I will be at the United Theater in Los angeles. And then March 2nd, that's a Sunday. I will be at the palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. All those Tickets are available. Danceoder.com Go get them right now. Knowing your side.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what I know. My good side is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have a big head.

[B]

So whatever side you're on right now, that's not it, honey.

[A]

Oh, work, girl. Work good.

[B]

I do. I have, like, I'm. I have, like, I'm not. I do. I have a lot of gay traits. Except for the sex stuff.

[A]

Interior design.

[B]

Interior design.

[A]

You know, it's.

[B]

Never married.

[A]

Yeah. He has roommates. That's what all your family members say. That's Graham's roommate.

[B]

He's a confirmed bachelor.

[A]

Yeah. That was crazy that back in the day, they just didn't let anyone be gay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're like, he's just a single man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That lives at home with his friend Brian.

[B]

His friend Brian. He lives with his friend Brian. And my parents are like. There was two old lesbians that lived in the. In the end of our block.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's what they were. But my parents said that they were. They were spinsters. Like, they were married. So they became friends.

[A]

That's an old term.

[B]

Like, they clearly.

[A]

They munch carpet. Mom and dad. Hold on. I gotta look to see what I'm looking up. What?

[B]

Looking at lesbians.

[A]

It's a disparaging and offensive comment. A woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying. Yeah.

[B]

Disgusting.

[A]

A woman who has never married. A woman whose occupation is spinning is the third. This suspension, which sucks if your job is spinning. And then they go, she's a spinster. And you go, I'm married.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I get dick.

[B]

I just like break dancing.

[A]

I just love going like this. I love getting dizzy. I get dizzy. I get dizzy like a motherfucker. And then everyone's out here thinking, I'm a lesbo. Yeah. Did they. Did they have, like, the. The lesbians at the end of your parents block. Did they have, like, the flannel short haircut? Were they, like, obvious lesbians, or were they just like, two older ladies that hung out a lot?

[B]

They looked like two old ladies. I think they were before. They're old. They were old. They were probably born in, like, the 1920s, so they were before they knew about flannel. Yeah, they just wear, like, long dresses.

[A]

Yeah, they just.

[B]

God knows what they wore behind closed doors.

[A]

When did the. When did the lesbo look come out? Like, that's kind of a fun way to say that. But, like, when did it premiere of, like, being butch? Because, I mean, I bet it's always been around.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I guess it's kind of interesting because when I look back at the first. My first two lesbians is what I call them. Yeah, they.

[A]

That were your starting lesbians.

[B]

Yeah, they. I guess they were just like, whatever is not attractive to men.

[A]

And you knew that when you were young, you would see that.

[B]

No, I was like, they're two old ladies. Then you grow up and you're like, they were lesbians.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just. You say to him, you go, oh, you two were. I got it.

[B]

And that was a wide one.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She wasn't a Lesboro, I'll tell you that. She might have been a girth monster. Yeah, that's always. My mom had a neighbor that was gay, and she was like, stereo. You know, like, stereotypically lesbian. Like, masculine acting masc. Like, was. You know, she was like, hey, how you doing? To the point where you're like, oh, you're. She wasn't like an old woman that you're like, oh, she's not married. Maybe she's gay. You were like, you love?

[B]

I love.

[A]

Then she came in the room and you were like, this woman loves.

[B]

I love that people, like, see those people and they're in their head. They're like, they chose that.

[A]

Yeah, that's who they are. It's like, hi. That's how I've always practiced. Hi. That's how I've always felt on the subway. When I see, like, a gay guy on the subway and you're like, that guy is exactly who he's supposed to be. He's just like. You're just like, that guy loves penis, and it offends me, and it is against God's will. And so I will attack him. The second we get above ground, I will attack him. A rational gay basher. He goes, I'm upset. By this. And when the time is right, I.

[B]

Will reset God's order.

[A]

What other gay stuff do you do besides interior design?

[B]

Interior design?

[A]

Clothes. I think you dress.

[B]

I butchered it up for this pot.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You had to really. You had to really muck it up to make it look like one of the boys. You got really good. Dress like, I don't care. You had just an insane outfit on and you go, God, I look great. Not for Dan.

[B]

I can really not. No Dan. Then I. I'll confuse him.

[A]

Were you. Are you often called a sharp dresser?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. Especially. Especially in comedy circles. I mean, here's the thing. If I was black, no one would notice.

[A]

No.

[B]

But if you're white and you care, people are like, wow, look at you. What are you gay?

[A]

Those are some of my.

[B]

Well, if I was wearing matching shoes and a hat and I was black, people be like, there's a normal guy. There's a normal straight guy trying to get pussy.

[A]

You want to dress like a comic, you just have to look like a heroin addict.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just wear like.

[B]

Or a lesbian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Post when they figured out the butch look.

[A]

When their look really hit the streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

If you not spinster, you.

[A]

You know what it looks. If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Everybody looks like they can just take a nap.

[B]

Everyone looks like they're at the airport.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's all travel like that. But you're right, I think as a white guy, if you have any style, like, what are you gay?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a guy online that I used to. He used to pop up on my Instagram feed. He's like an old man, old white dude. And he would get off his fits and he'd be like, these are my fits for the next coming. And he was such a sharp dresser that you're like, that's cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like an old white guy that's like, I found these sick Adidas that I'm going to pair with these green slacks and this yellow shirt.

[B]

We're not supposed to as whites. We're not supposed to peacock.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because, like.

[A]

Because it's like, who are you?

[B]

Consciously. We're supposed. We, like, have everything, I guess. So we're like, oh, you know.

[A]

No, I think it's.

[B]

It's how rich people have dirty shoes and poor people have clean shoes and rims on their car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

You're trying to. You're. Everyone's Trying to look, look more in the middle so they don't stand out. Yeah, well, rich people do it because they're afraid they're going to get robbed.

[B]

I think, yeah, I may be.

[A]

And I think, I think like white people peacocking, there's something about white people that are like, who do you think you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I get upset where black people go, like, a black person complimenting your outfit feels so good. Oh, my God, look at you. Yeah, you look good today. And you go, thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But a white guy goes, who the do you think you are?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Eric Haynes said the other day, he goes, I see what you're doing, man. I like it.

[A]

I was like, oh, that's when you were gay. Because my gay thing is, I probably, I probably giggle and shriek more than.

[B]

I should and then leave a room.

[A]

I am very like, that is gay.

[B]

No, no, no, that is gay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You are a gay man.

[A]

I would say the thing that I do as the gayest is I go like, like, I get the way, I get excited. I can't get excited around people. I have to go like, nah, that sucks. And then I go somewhere private and I go like, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's why I don't like what you.

[A]

Yeah, you didn't like that?

[B]

I got a little homophobic there.

[A]

See what I mean? I, yeah, so, so really, you should probably check your privilege. I don't even know what that means. I just say that to you. You should probably check that. Yeah, dude, I, I think every guy does gay stuff. It's just what gay stuff you do. And then if you butt, you go, well, now you're gay.

[B]

Now you're gay.

[A]

If you blow a guy or butt.

[B]

Yeah. I, I, I've been waiting for a gay dream my whole life. And, and to go like, fine, then like, oh, like, okay, I like interior design. I like clothes. I like shopping. I like shopping for clothes.

[A]

Do you, do you do shop therapy? Just shop to feel better maybe.

[B]

Well, you know what I do is I, I'll go, I'll just go into a store and look around and just try on clothes.

[A]

Like, I always feel really bad about that.

[B]

Yeah, well, I don't ask for help.

[A]

But even when I just go, like, I feel like I'm wasting.

[B]

Did you ever work retail? I worked retail.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Never worked retail.

[B]

When I worked, I worked in like, like a high end, like I sold Hugo Boss suits and in Ottawa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like all Ottawa is a capital Canada. So there's like all these like foreign dignitaries.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know, so they.

[A]

That's your guys's D.C. yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's what a capital city is. Very good. And.

[A]

And so I would like says you don't learn stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Very good.

[A]

That's your guys's DC I'm telling you right now. There is a fan of mine that goes, okay, yeah, me saying that.

[B]

I know.

[A]

This is why you should get a fan base that's very close to who you are. Because I know that someone's watching that goes, I never thought about it like that.

[B]

It's why I don't have a lot of fans. There's not like a lot of half gay guys, half gay tough Canadians. Like, I've been in fights.

[A]

Yeah, like you used to play hockey. You're a great athlete.

[B]

Yeah, I was. I was an okay athlete, but.

[A]

But you were selling Hugo Boss suits and.

[B]

And I was so bad at it like that when like you had to have a, a book with all your clients in it and like write down their names and like, if they had kids was this. And like there's. It was early days post Internet, but like, you know, there was like that 10 year period where things were still on books.

[A]

How old do I think you are? I was like, is this pre Internet? Like you're 70. We're the same. I'm like this pre Internet, like, motherfucker. You grew up with the Internet.

[B]

I am like, like a couple years older than you. And it's just enough like, I didn't have a cell phone until I was out of college.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is older.

[B]

Yeah. I also have like a weird. Like, I didn't draw. I didn't buy my. I didn't get a driver's license till I was 21. I did. I bought my first car at 32.

[A]

What the old man. All right, tell me about your little sales book. Didn't have cars, you old fogey.

[B]

But you had my first cell phone on a donkey.

[A]

You go, I remember I smoke and made you strong. And Guinness was good for you. It's good for you. It. So you had a sales book.

[B]

So anyway, the, the you everyone like wrote down like their clients and like, personal stuff. And then when you left the job they used to ask for, they would bid. Other people would bid on your book. They'd be like, yeah, because if you.

[A]

Have a big salesman, that leaves you go, I need that.

[B]

I need that book. And people would like buy for like a thousand bucks kind of thing.

[A]

Like offhand, like, like, like behind the scenes. They'd Be like, here's your grand. Let me get that book.

[B]

Yeah. And I knew I wanted to do comedy, so mine just had. I just, like, drew pictures of dicks in it. And stuff. And there was like. I don't know. I was like, 22. And so everyone.

[A]

So funny. The guy that opens that, he goes, you know what I got? I got Graham's thing. You know, people say he's gay, and they're doing that string off the thing. They go, I don't think he's gay. And they open it, they go, why are all these penises everyone.

[B]

No, but it was like a joke to go buy Graham's book. Because all my. All my people who bought suits for me, they. You have to chalk the. The. The suit at the bottom, like, the leg to. To measure how far. How. Like, how high it's going to be.

[A]

To get it tailored.

[B]

To get it tailored at. You know, and mine were always wrong. Like, one leg would always be shorter than the other. And because I'm like, dyslexic, and I'm like, I'm. I'm just easily confused.

[A]

Can I talk to you real quick? Why is half my slacks shorts. They look like AC DC on one leg, and then the other one's, like, extra long and baggy.

[B]

I think this man is strange.

[A]

This whole time we hired you because we thought you were gay.

[B]

You were one of those gay fellas.

[A]

It's clear.

[B]

You sucking, and it is clear you're infatuated with. You can't.

[A]

Oh, my God, this guy's got brain. This man's brain's all fogged up.

[B]

Bunch of jugs walk by while I'm chalking it.

[A]

Yeah, you're just riding it across his knee. He's like, I do not think that is where my suit goes. Shut up. You.

[B]

Look at them jugs.

[A]

Oh, look at them jiggly titties. Yeah. He's like, I do love those tits, though. The dignitaries love you. I am here from Senegal. Those are nice, fat stacks. Oh, wow. Those are big naturals, like, measuring. The guys ragged me. I will take these shorts. I remember how big those tits were.

[B]

I won't. I'm.

[A]

I can't. I can't. I can't, dude. My favorite bailing of a voice ever was Nate. We were sitting around doing. We were talking about Grand Theft Auto 4. Came out with the Russian main character. And we were, like, sitting around. It was like, me, Big J Lewis, and Nate, we're like, oh. And then he's all like, I. I'm going to have six. And it goes. And I'm going to. I don't do voices, man. He just. It was the fastest I've ever seen someone pick up a voice. And he just went, no. So your book. No one wanted. It was, like, the joke.

[B]

Yeah, it was a joke.

[A]

It was a joke book. That was your first joke book?

[B]

It was my first joke book. A bunch of dicks in it. And then I moved to America and became an illegal immigrant for five years. Met you. Ate some dogs.

[A]

I aided in the help of an illegal immigrant, yeah. In this country.

[B]

I came in a. Came in a caravan.

[A]

Coyote.

[B]

My mom's Dodge Caravan.

[A]

My mom's caravan. Did you. When you had that book, did anyone buy it off you or did you keep it?

[B]

I tried to sell it, and everyone laughed at me.

[A]

So do you still have it?

[B]

No, my dad cleaned out the basement.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

Yeah. That man loves to clean out the.

[A]

There's nothing. There's nothing that.

[B]

What?

[A]

For what I'm gonna tell you right now, natural disasters and parents cleaning out basements make you lose all the stuff you grew up holding on to. Yeah, I spent. Yeah, I spent a considerable bum. And I know my mom listens to this podcast. Trish, you know you're guilty of this, but I spent. From the time I was 6 to 18, I had a Sports Illustrated subscription. Every major sports.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Every major Sports Illustrated.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Super bowl champion, World Series champion, NBA champion. Those. Three.

[B]

Six.

[A]

Sorry. Stanley cup, six or seven. I used to do Sports Illustrated for kids.

[B]

So you had the Ken Griffey Jr. Backwards hat.

[A]

I. I think so. The one I remember is the why Michael. When he retired in 1993, when he first walked away, when Jordan first retired to go play baseball, I had the why Michael? I had the baseball one where he was going to baseball.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I had the welcome back. And then I. I just did that. I had Montana being traded to the Chiefs. I had, like, every 49ers one I kept because I'm a Niners fan. But, like, I had major ones, and I had them in a giant moving box, and every. I would stack them in my. I would stack them in my closet. And on it, by the way, it would say Daniel Soder with my old address, 1-592. It was, like, hilarious to think that I thought people were gonna be like, I'll just take this guy's Sports Illustrated. But I had them all saved. And when I left for college, I told my mom, like, don't touch that box of Sports Illustrated. And then my mom Moved. And she was like, oh, I got rid of all those.

[B]

And you're like, she knew too. She was like, I don't wanna. I. I don't want to bring this.

[A]

I. I would respect.

[B]

And I don't love my son.

[A]

No, that. No. Now, we both know that's not true.

[B]

Of course not.

[A]

A mommy special.

[B]

Boy, you certainly are. You know, I know that.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I've. I've known your mom's name for, like, 15 years.

[A]

Well, yeah. I also grew up with an only. I grew up an only child with a single parent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Katie's been baffled by that relationship. The more she, like, spends time with me, she's like this. That's crazy.

[B]

What's crazy? Being a single mom.

[A]

An only child and a single mom. It's just one on one. So, like, if I'm being a dick.

[B]

So Katie's just in the way.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

This love. This love affair you're having with your mom.

[A]

My mother is trying to eliminate her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Reverse Oedipus. It's called a reverse Oedipal theory. No, it's. My mom is. It's like, when you have one parent, she doesn't have another parent to go like, Dan's being a. Yeah. And I don't have a sibling to go like, hey, is mom nuts?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's why Kate. Because Katie has a brother and, you know, her parents are married. Yeah. So she's like, if one parent was doing it, you could just go to the other one and be like, hey, I need a little help.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know? And you're like, oh, cool. But when it's one on one, you go like, am I crazy?

[B]

I think I'm crazy. Yeah. I always. I have, like, my brother because he has autism.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. Like profound autism. I have a lot of traits of a only child.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I'm an only child. Because.

[A]

Because you couldn't.

[B]

I have no one to talk to about anything.

[A]

He couldn't confirm your reality.

[B]

And I have to share.

[A]

Yeah. That's wild. I didn't think about that. I have to share more.

[B]

I have to share more than anyone. I have to take care of him, and I can't talk to him about anything.

[A]

That's a wild hand to get drawn. Because I'm now, as an adult, realizing how selfish I am as an only child. Like, people want to play online video games with me. I'm like, I want to play by myself. I don't play with you. Get the out of here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Trying to enjoy by myself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's mine. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that's an only child category. But if you have a brother, you know how to share at least.

[B]

Yeah. I'd be like, mom and dad. That's. It's crazy that mom and dad are throwing stuff at each other and dad's leaving for a couple days, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my brother's like, I pooped.

[A]

Yeah. And you're like, okay, all right, I'll clean it up. Yeah, you go, all right, all right. But sometimes that might be good to get you out of that, where you go, like, I could have bigger problems.

[B]

No, I had, I. I developed really bad ocd. And then really, I. I got sent to boot camp because my parents thought I was on drugs.

[A]

Because of your ocd?

[B]

Yeah. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't know. I didn't. Like, I was too nervous to tell them that. I thought that if I didn't touch everything three or nine times, my face was going to change. So they were like, are you on drugs? And I was like, yep. And then they sent me to boot camp for two years. My last two years of high school, I was in a town of 300 in Saskatchewan, like a, like a three hour plane ride away.

[A]

Oh, my God. By the way, I remember talking to you about this. I didn't know the reason why you got sent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I remember you telling me about military school because you have old pictures where you legitimately look like Wolverine. That's how jacked you.

[B]

I got. There's nothing to do. You're like in jail. So like all my. I'd call my friends, like, we're partying. We're having sex.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm dealing a little bit of drugs. I got money.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

I'm like, well, I drank extra juice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was exciting. I could have unlimited juice at snack time. And I spent about six hours in the gym. And if you skip church, if you can hide from the guy coming to find you to scoop everyone up for. For church, we watch VHS porn in the family room together. All the guys who skip church and you're not allowed to. Lights were off at 9:30. And if your lights were not off, a guy would come in with a hockey stick and break it. And you could not go to the bathroom after nine. If you went to the bathroom, you'd get beat up. I watched a guy. We watched like, a new guy came and he was like, I want to.

[A]

Go to the bathroom.

[B]

And I'm like, we. I'm like, buddy, you can't now are.

[A]

You guys all in a common bedroom?

[B]

Like, there's five to. To a room, about like two bunk beds, and then one bed out the middle of one of the bunk beds that was smaller. We called it the penis bed. The smallest boy would go in the penis bed.

[A]

Yeah. Was it a very tiny bed?

[B]

It was like a. A. A. A twin.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I guess they're all twins, but it was. It was smaller. Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

It was like a double.

[B]

Yeah, but a little smaller. I don't know. It was. I don't know where they would buy.

[A]

That mattress, but it was the penis.

[B]

That mattress store.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They go, well, we got this sad mattress that's perfect for our penis bed.

[B]

We'll get.

[A]

That's actually the name of it. Yeah. I go, you know, in Canada they call a mattress a penis bed if it's like, small.

[B]

Yeah. So even if you're a woman.

[A]

Yeah. Gotta sleep in the penis bed. Yep. Even if you're a spinster and an old.

[B]

Two mattresses together. That's a clam bed.

[A]

That's a touch. So you. So the smallest guy got the tiny bed.

[B]

Yeah. So there's like five to a room. And in our dorm there was probably like 20 rooms or so. And it was like a long hallway and. And the rooms were like, I don't know, like maybe two of these rooms. I don't know. Which is like 10 by 10.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And then so Buddy is like, new there and he's like, this is.

[A]

I'm going to the bathroom.

[B]

I'm like, buddy, don't do it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hold it.

[B]

He goes, I'm going. And he like, opens up the door. And then they. They have like, the bigger, stronger kids are like the. The old boys of the dorm and they're the enforcers. And it's like you divide and conquer kind of.

[A]

So they make them turn on you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get special privileges. And they get like a two bedroom. So there's two. So they have more room, you know, And. And we. And then we hear the whole dorm here is like shouting in the hallway. And so everyone's like, head pops out of each. There's like five heads.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like little mice on top of each door, all down the hallway of each thing. And then all here is like. And I pop my head out and I just see a guy's. Guy's foot. He got knocked out and his feet were just sticking out of the bathroom doorway. Like the wi. Like the wicked witch of the West.

[A]

Like the house crush.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Sock it. Streaks back. The socks are all striped and they go under, so you couldn't. What if you had to?

[B]

You'd get beat up.

[A]

Who would beat you up?

[B]

The older kids, the old boys? Yeah.

[A]

Was there anyone? I mean, that. What if that's how you find out? That's. That unlocks your inner, like, warrior, is you have to poop real bad. And you go, you wouldn't like me when I have to poop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, no, I don't think so, bud. You're going back to that. And you go, don't let me poop. He's like, don't push me.

[B]

Don't push me.

[A]

And you snap his arm. He's like, ah, guys, John Wickham.

[B]

Or more likely, you think you have special powers. Then you just. Your pants and get knocked out.

[A]

That's what I mean. That is such.

[B]

That starts coming out.

[A]

That's the gamble.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You get knocked out, you're gonna piss.

[B]

It's very bad. Yeah. You don't want to get.

[A]

Did he piss? The guy that got knocked out?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

What, did he come back? What? Did he come back to the room, like, was like, you guys could have warned me.

[B]

Well, concussed a little out of it, I would say.

[A]

He said to sit there for a little bit, and he still got a piss.

[B]

Like, what I know about CTE these days and concussions and what, like, following, like, NFL and stuff like that. It's like he should have gone to the hospital. It's bad what happened to him. If you get knocked out, that's very bad.

[A]

You shouldn't go straight to sleep, straight to.

[B]

Then go to math class first thing in the morning.

[A]

My brain is so a little.

[B]

I'm just out of it.

[A]

Well, I had to piss last night. Found out that's illegal.

[B]

Blood coming from your ear sorts.

[A]

Your parents thought you were on drugs because you were so OCD.

[B]

I kept. I had to touch everything three or nine times because now it's the perfect three. Of course.

[A]

Yeah. So everything like Mike, 1, 2, 3.

[B]

Yeah. Sitting down in chairs, like, in school and stuff. And my guys. Yeah. I was like, you know, like, there was, like, a couple kids that I hung out with that were, like, doing, like, dealing oxy or on. Or, like, just, you know, on some sort of drugs, but nothing crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I'd smoke pot. I'd bought pot twice and smoked pot, like, maybe six times. I got drunk probably 10 times in my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this is, like, I was like, 16, and every time I sat down, I. I had to do it three times or nine times.

[A]

Like on your.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, like, if you're sitting down, you have to go, like, one. Exactly. Oh, that would look wild.

[B]

Yeah. I do it in class.

[A]

Yeah, that would look. It looked like you were just bouncing your ass.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Why is Grant got so much tush?

[B]

My name is Grant. I know.

[A]

I didn't mean to say Grant. I was like, graham, God damn.

[B]

No Americans can't say my name. It's fine.

[A]

You go, I'm sorry, is it gray? So you would bounce your butt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Three to nine times.

[B]

And I'd be like, what? I'd be sitting there in class, like, why wouldn't anyone fuck me?

[A]

Yeah, well, probably you're dropping it like it's hot.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

So instead of telling your parents the truth and being like, I have ocd. Well, did you even know it was ocd?

[B]

I did, but I was old enough where my psychiatrist couldn't tell my parents and I wouldn't tell.

[A]

Why? Because you weren't 18?

[B]

Because I was 16. It was, like, old enough where they didn't have to tell my parents.

[A]

So you had a psychiatrist?

[B]

Yeah, because I was, like, acting weird.

[A]

And they were like, you have a. You have obsessive compulsive disorder. Yeah, but they did want to tell your parents.

[B]

They were, they legally could not because I was above 16.

[A]

And you didn't because you were embarrassed by it.

[B]

I was embarrassed because I, I, I hadn't, I didn't really know much about it. They didn't give me much information about it. They gave me, like a pamphlet and it like, well, that should have been all the 90s. Yeah.

[A]

It's like, well, that's all we have. That's all the info we have. Stop being a weirdo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, you.

[B]

And then I was just like, well, that's, that's weird. I didn't want, like, it's weird when you're that age because you're very self conscious. And then you already. Because you're, you're 16, but you also don't want to be like, well, I, If I don't sit down three or nine times, I think my face is going to change into a killer. I saw on the news.

[A]

Oh, that's what it was.

[B]

Yeah. But, you know, it's crazy. OCD is crazy. Be weird because you know it's crazy, but you can't stop.

[A]

Yeah, I did it.

[B]

It's like you're watching yourself.

[A]

I did It. Very much smaller than that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where, like, I had a thing where I think every light switch in my house had to be facing up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Three light switches on our stairs. Like, you walked up the stairs. There was like, one, two, and then another one.

[B]

Half the lights were on.

[A]

No, you could turn them off if they were all up. They're all down. Or all.

[B]

Or you could. You could switch them so they were up or down.

[A]

Yeah. And I always.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That meant things were positive.

[B]

Oh, that's. Yeah.

[A]

And then I always had more hard. I didn't think about it like that. That would have broke my brain. I was like 12. I would have been like. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I also had to leave the same door that I came in, which caused a lot of problems, because they'd be like a vampire. That's the Empire, dude. I swear to God. There'd be times where they'd be like, you can't go through that door. I'd be like, I have to. And I just, like, walk through and be like. Like alarms going off.

[B]

Well, you're probably going through a very stressful point in your life. And I think that people that are OCD are better at comedy or just sports. Things that are. Take a lot of time to get good at.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a lot of focus because you repeat and you have to do it and you can. There's a way to shift the OCD to get good at something because you.

[A]

That it's repetitions.

[B]

Repetitions. And focus on it. Well, I have. I have to. I have to do. If I don't do 10, like, when you start out comedy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, if I don't do 10 sets this week, I'm going to jump off a bridge. And so you do it. You just do it.

[A]

That is. That's actually a great observation because I remember doing open mics, I had to do 15 to 20 sets a week.

[B]

Let me see how our grace are different.

[A]

But that was the thing where I was like, if I didn't do 15 to 20 sets a week, I would. I would. Like, I would have panic attacks about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, there'd be a week where I'd do like, 14, and I'd be like, I suck, dude. Yeah, I gotta do. I'll go do 30 more. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mike Lawrence used to do, like, I remember eight to ten mics a day.

[B]

And he, you know, that's. That's a man with. With, you know, autism. And autism is very close to ocd. And even back then we didn't know what it was. We're like, mike's got dirty glasses.

[A]

Yeah. Why does he. Why does he write so many jokes and can't make eye contact with me? And then you go, got it.

[B]

Mike just. I remember the big one of the biggest compliments I got because he said he was so mean back then.

[A]

Well, he was so critical.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because he was.

[B]

Because he was unencumbered by social norms.

[A]

He did not have the thing that goes, I probably shouldn't tell that.

[B]

No. And he. He came up to me, and he was just looking at my shoulder, and he was like, my grandma. That joke about ghosts is really, really funny. And I just think you're a really good writer. And then walked away. And I was like, that's the crap.

[A]

He's so fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's so fun.

[B]

He.

[A]

He just wrote for Nikki on the Golden Globes. He writes for everything Mike Lawrence is. He did.

[B]

He did a truly hilarious. When we were starting to. When our group. Because we started, you were. You were a couple years ahead of me. But when, like, I consider you almost.

[A]

You're like, we're all in the same.

[B]

I was in 9th grade. You were in 10th grade. Same stuff. But the. The. Our group was starting to do late nights, and he got a Conan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And then that night, he did three open mics.

[A]

That's nuts.

[B]

And we were like, at open mics, and I was like, you're sick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Go be happy. I was always like, why don't I do 20 like him? And I was like, oh. Because that's not. I want. Because if I did Conan, I would. I would be able to enjoy it.

[A]

See, Nate, who's never been diagnosed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nate used to do that many sets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nate would go. When he got Conan, he would go do as many mics as he could because he thought if bombed with the set, then when he did a late night, it would go better. I remember he did Conan.

[B]

I get that. That's before the set, though.

[A]

In a mic. Wouldn't let an open mic. Wouldn't let him go up.

[B]

Why?

[A]

He's like, I'm running my set for Conan. The guy's like, we're busy. And you know Nate. Nate's like, I'll never forget that guy.

[B]

Oh, for sure. And I bet he still remembers him 100% Nate.

[A]

This clip gets the Nate. Nate goes, I know who that is. Yeah. But it was. That was like a kind of thing. Where did you. Did you ever reveal to your parents that you were ocd? Like, after they sent you to military school?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Did they feel horrible?

[B]

Well, they were so stressed. No, my dad still goes like, I'm glad. I'm glad you went there. And I'm like, all right, dude, are.

[A]

You glad you went there?

[B]

No.

[A]

You wish you would have spent your last few years.

[B]

Yeah, I hated it. Yeah, I really hated it. I met my best. Like, my best friend there because we were both like, the two, like, like, funny guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, you know, when you meet somebody with the same sense of humor, you're like, oh, at least we have this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know? But it was tough. Like, all my friends were like, like, getting laid and, like, having fun and going to parties. I remember I, like, made out with a girl at a party for the first time. We, like, her friend grabbed both of our arms and brought us to, like, some back room, and we did, like, stuff. And I remember, like, I'm so close to having sex. It's just around the corner, and then all of a sudden, I'm in Sask.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

There was 300 guys. There was 50 girls and every girl. There was also a junior hockey team in that town, and you weren't allowed to leave campus. Like, there was alarms on the windows and stuff. And you. My friend escaped.

[A]

You couldn't piss at night?

[B]

No, my friend escaped and a farmer found him in the ditch. And. And the farmer was like, where are you from? And he wouldn't tell him for two days because he just wanted a break. And then he eventually told him the farmer brought him back. But Anyway, there was 50 girls, and there was a good junior hockey team team in that town, and they weren't part of the school. And they had cars, and they were like a. They were like 18 and 19, and they're all jacked. And so they got all the pretty girls. Like, the six pretty girls are going to go with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so. And it was like, a lot of hockey. It was like a hockey school, too. So, like, a lot of. They were like. A lot of the. The women there had flannel.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Yeah. They were spinning.

[A]

They were. They were learning how to spin. Yeah. Learning how to spin. I don't know if you know this.

[B]

You know what? They were having a good time.

[A]

Ye.

[B]

Enjoy.

[A]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? What a little fucking pussy paradise, dude.

[B]

There was one mattress because it was surrounded by. By wheat fields.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it looks like the ocean. All you see is sky. And. But there was one mattress. One of. One of the penis bed mattresses got dragged out to in the middle of the wheat field. And there was just condoms all around it. And we'd look at it and be like, what lucky guy's been out here?

[A]

Oh, the farmer that owns that field. I was cutting down some wheat and so I found a mattress. I think it was one of those penis beds.

[B]

Man alive.

[A]

Oh, my God. All the. All the condoms. I mixed all the cum and I made a. I made a real boy out of it. It's just a come soup Pinocchio. That. That sucks. Because when you tell your parents that you do want that kind of thing of like, I'm. They want. You want your like, mom to grab your hands like, I'm sorry, my baby. They said they're like, like, good.

[B]

They're like, good. They had their hands full with my brother.

[A]

Sure. Is your brother younger than you?

[B]

Yeah, he's three years younger.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he was the baby and had autism.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you were basically like, hey, Graham, you're a roommate now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you feel that when you were like a kid? Did you feel like, oh, okay. It's all. Because I've no friends of mine that have siblings with special needs. There's like this maturity in them because from the time they were like seven.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

They were kind of like, like, you're an adult now. Help us with this other one.

[B]

Yeah, there you're like, you are. It's not about you. You know, the whole world is not about you. You grew up immediately knowing that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And then so you grow up very mature and normal and everything's fine. And you don't become a comedian because you need attention.

[A]

Does that. Do you feel like that was the. The thing where.

[B]

I never thought that till I went to therapy and it's very obvious.

[A]

I do therapy. Points out stuff sometimes that you go like, I, you know, it's like when a good stand up joke. Yeah, that, like Hacky Hackney line, when someone goes, it's funny because it's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But when you go to therapy and they say something, you go, I do be doing that, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You get so mad.

[B]

I would get so mad. When people be like comedians, they just want attention. I was like, no one ever says that about lead singers or musicians.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the difference? We pr. We practice an artist and then we get good at our instrument. My therapist is like, yeah, so you take care of your brother and your parents didn't pay attention to you and they sent you away and so you needed it.

[A]

I was like, ah, yeah. So you're acting out as an adult. You Go. Yeah. Son of a. Yeah. Yeah. That is one of those stories of, like, lying and then the punishment being worse than just. If you would have gone, I have ocd. And your parents would have been like. I think your parents would have been more open to learning about it, maybe because they had an autistic child.

[B]

I think that my parents are a little autistic. I think that I'm like, you know what coda is?

[A]

Yeah. The children of deaf people.

[B]

Yeah. I think I'm. I'm coda for autism. Like, everyone in my family has autism. I'm just like, yeah.

[A]

There is that moment, though, where I feel like if you are a coda or your parents who have autism, I don't know why, in my brain, it immediately clicks to, like. So you can dominate that family.

[B]

No, they dominate you.

[A]

But in my mind, if you're.

[B]

Oh, if you're a deaf one.

[A]

Yeah, because then you're like, yeah, I can. I can move in ways you can't see.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear.

[A]

I can hear it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because there's, like.

[B]

You're blasting porn in the family room.

[A]

What's that? Yeah, you can't hear nothing. Yeah, it's all audiobooks talking. But my aunt did that. My. My aunt.

[B]

Porn.

[A]

Porn.

[B]

Romance novels.

[A]

And then revealed her breasts. You go, nothing, Mom. And she's like, sewing My. My aunt used to do a lot of drugs when she was a kid, and she didn't want to tell my grandmother, and she did. My aunt told me the story. My aunt Karen. I go. I try to say aunt now instead of aunt. Because I grew up going, my aunt.

[B]

I say aunt.

[A]

I say aunt, too. But people on the east coast try to correct you all the time and say, aunt.

[B]

No, you sound poor. Aunt.

[A]

Aunt is poor. Yeah, I feel like aunt is poor. I feel like aunt sounds more hot.

[B]

Whatever I do is rich.

[A]

Cool. All right, I get it. Hey, I'm not messing with you, dude. Fucking drop that butt on that seat. That's right. Nine times.

[B]

Yeah, I used to work out.

[A]

Yeah, I used to work out. My. But my aunt did. She told me one time she did 15 hits of acid.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

This is like, mid. Like late 60s. Yeah, yeah, maybe mid-60s. She was, like, 17.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she did a bunch of acid.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

In her room because she was grounded, so she just took acid.

[B]

Your answer.

[A]

Your aunt, right? Karen ripped. Yeah, she's. She's been dead since 07. But Aunt Karen ripped. Yeah, but she. She said that she took all this acid and then she was in her room. And then she just went out and watched TV with my grandma and started tripping. Yeah. And she said she started laughing and being like, my. My. My grandma had white curly hair.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

From the time she was like, 30, she went gray very early. And so she was like. Had this, like, white, puffy hair. And my aunt was all on acid. She's like, you got snakes coming out of your hair. And my aunt was like, my. My grandma was like, what? My Aunt Karen was like, you got snakes coming out of your hair, like, laughing about it. So my grandmother had her committed.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. She took her to an insane asylum. And she's like, my daughter's lost her mind.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Because she was on 15 hits of acid.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And my aunt was like, day one ruled, because she was, like, in a mental institution, and she's, like, talking to people and they're like, the aliens left me and my aunts on acid. And she's like, yeah, they did. The aliens dropped you off.

[B]

She was still on acid when she.

[A]

Got sent ripping her ball.

[B]

She got committed that day.

[A]

They took her down and committed her. Because it happened that night. She was there for three nights and she said. She said by like, the second day, she was like, what the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then on the third day, she had to call my grandmother and be like, hey, I was on drugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I'm not on drugs anymore. Please come pick me up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. She had to go get her out of the asylum. But in that. That's like, that. Immediately, you telling me that made me think of my aunt. It was like, yeah, I'm mom. I was high on lsd.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one knew what LSD was. It was like, Right. She was in San Francisco in the mid-60s. No one really knew outside of, like, a handful of people what acid was. So. Especially my grandmother from Oklahoma. She was like, what?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's like, you went crazy. And that makes more sense than her being like, I'm on a drugs. To make. I'm on drugs to make me see things.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, why would you take those drugs?

[A]

Yeah. Like my grandmother who's Dust Bowl Oklahoma.

[B]

Why would you want to see snakes coming out of my head?

[A]

She goes, what? You ate paper and it made you crazy? Yeah. So get the out of here. But I think that's so funny that you're so upset up three days at an asylum and you're like, oh, I gotta. Yeah, I gotta make a phone call. I'm.

[B]

You have to piece it together too. Right? You have to be like, why am I here?

[A]

At first, the people you're talking to, you go if you're on acid. Because the way Aunt Karen explained it to me, she was like. The first day, she was like, oh, this is cool. She was saying like, oh, this is real groovy. Oh, you seeing people. Oh, okay. I see people, too, man. And then by the second day, she's like, hey, man, you guys are kind of far out there.

[B]

There's poo everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, there's. You guys really like to bite each other.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

On the third day, she's like, get me the out of here. This is a human zoo. Yeah, that was. I mean, thank God. I never. I. I feel like I'd be the kind of person that would immediately go like, I'm on drugs. Please. I'm on drugs. Please don't send me there.

[B]

Yeah, because.

[A]

So I'm surprised you didn't at all go, like.

[B]

Because I wasn't on drugs. I was crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was. I was embarrassed that I was crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when you get, like, my. My family is like, my. It's like, we're very loud.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, we. My brother is. My brother is. But also, my parents aren't normal. Like, we would get kicked out of restaurants just for being loud, and they would just be screaming at each other. My brother be spinning in the corner, and I'd be going, like, sitting up.

[A]

Oh, my God. The waiter goes, this is the hardest table I've ever had.

[B]

He'd be like. The manager would come and be like, you guys got to go. We wouldn't make.

[A]

What would your parents be yelling at each other about? Domestic stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Like.

[A]

Like. Like normal couple arguing because you said your parents are weird or are they like.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Your mom dropped a piece of ice. Ice on the table, and your dad spun out.

[B]

It would be both, like. Like. I mean, I do this in my act, but. Because I'm just trying to. I'm trying to enact revenge on them. But I, like, record them. I just, like. I record them arguing, and then I'll just repeat what. They memorize it and repeat it on stage. But, like, one, I. I had. I brought an ex up, like, for the first time, my girlfriend, to, like, home to meet the parents. And my mom goes, david, can you go downstairs and get a. A bottle of wine for dinner, please? And he goes, okay. Then she goes, one more thing. While you're down there, can you bring up a cardboard box? And he goes, okay. She goes, I need that for later. He goes, okay. Goes downstairs, comes back up a couple minutes later, bottle of wine, note box. My mom goes, david. David, where's the box? You never listen. You never listen. He goes, you don't shout at me that way, woman. She goes, woman, woman, you don't own me. That's why I never took your last name.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I am not your slave. Then she stood up and started to find your girlfriend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She started to cry and go, I am not your slave, David. And starts, like, street, like, crying. And my dad goes, stop using tears as a weapon.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And then we just ate dinner.

[A]

And then you just eat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you. And then your girlfriend leans over and she goes.

[B]

Because my brother and I, we. We grew up with that. We don't even notice it. So we, like. They'll start screaming and crying, and my brother and I'll just, like.

[A]

Catch up.

[B]

Just like. Just like blinders on. Like, blinders. Like, I can. Like, I can disassociate when they, like, they. I brought them. They visited New York for their. And for their 45th wedding anniversary.

[A]

So there you go. That's how you keep it together.

[B]

Took them to dinner, and they. They screamed at each other. My mom cried, and we were, like, on a patio. Like, we were sitting, like, this close.

[A]

To a couple of couples.

[B]

Like, they were just like.

[A]

But whenever you see that, if you're. If you're a couple and you see that sometimes when you're. When you're a couple and you see another couple fighting. Yeah, you feel better about yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you go, at least we're not doing that, huh? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents were good for that. For. They were. They. All of eastern Ontario got to feel good about themselves.

[A]

Like, we're in a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. What did your girlfriend say when she saw that?

[B]

She's like, that's crazy.

[A]

Like, later when you guys were alone.

[B]

She'S no, like, yeah. I was like, let's go see downtown. Let me show you downtown. And we got in the car. She's like, what the hell was that? And I was like, what?

[A]

That was fine.

[B]

I wouldn't have remembered that fight if she wasn't like, that was. We should talk about. She said this and that, and then she cried. I go, she did? Oh, yeah. I guess so. And another thing with therapy is, like, I was like, I got ocd. I guess I was mentally ill. And then. And then my. My therapist, like, when did it stop? And I was like, well, I got sent to that school. And then I. You know, I always thought that I dug myself out of the hole using, you know, mental agility, fortitude. Turns out I just left the house.

[A]

That's why. Do you have it when you go back? Do you. When you go back, do you feel it other. Is there, like, an itch to sit down like that?

[B]

Not as much. It used to when I was in my 20s and I would go back, I start flicking lights. But now I'm just like. Like, I've been away long enough. I have enough buildup.

[A]

That's like when people find a food allergy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're like, if you stop eating that, you know, you'll stop your brains out and you go, huh, Huh. I just thought it was because I was.

[B]

I was cursed, as they do. They're picking up cheese, they go, don't eat it.

[A]

Sorry, I did it again. Yeah.

[B]

No, but OCD is always. I always, like, describe it as, like, being sober. I don't drink anymore, but I'll always be an alcoholic.

[A]

Yeah. You know, I'm always gonna be.

[B]

Always gonna be ocd. But, like, if I get tired sometimes, I'll start flicking lights and be like, what am I doing? I'll go to bed.

[A]

The sitting things never came back, though.

[B]

No, I. It really helped. Like, when you, like, wanting to get laid really helps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. Like, even, like, sharing bottles, like, alcohol and stuff. I could never, ever share a glass or a bottle with anybody. But as soon as I was, like, on a date, she's like, try this.

[A]

I was like, you know, she's like, I need this. Yeah, I need you.

[B]

The stronger part of my body was like, your penis. Like, shut up.

[A]

You shut up, dumb brain. Well, we have to sit down nine times. That's wild. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I always. I always wondered, like, what would be the thing if. If, like, to have ocd and then your parents go, like, nah, you're fine. You're good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, when you came back from military school, did it happen then?

[B]

Like, I get OCD again?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I never lived a full year after that. I like.

[A]

You just go, stay.

[B]

I went to college and then I went to. Then I lived in Budapest for a year, and then I moved to New York and tried to do. And, like, was Budapest, like, It was awesome. I got a. I. I'm good at interviews. I've been fired 22 times in my life. Oh, I'm good at interviews but not good at the job part.

[A]

What makes you good about it?

[B]

At interviews, I've seemed normal. I can make eye contact. I. I Can I. I seem intelligent, but I am.

[A]

Then they hire you and they go, we got it. And I'm like sitting down, dude, we got. We got hustled on the floor.

[B]

I'm easily confused. But, but anyway, so I. It was a logistics job. The Canadian government paid me to work for a private American shipping company doing logistics during the height of the Iraq War. So we shipped things from America into. Via Kuwait, into Iraq, into Baghdad International Airport, aka Camp Victory. the time, anything an American army base would need other than weapons. So like hammers, nails, TVs, comic books. Because they're all children.

[A]

They're all like 18 cigarettes.

[B]

Cigarettes. Yeah. And.

[A]

And you ever skim from the top?

[B]

A couple darts for grandma.

[A]

Those. Most Canadian I've ever heard you. That was the most Canadian I've ever heard. A couple of darts for grandma.

[B]

So a couple, couple, three cartons of darts.

[A]

Yeah, it's ripping butts, bud.

[B]

Ripping darts out.

[A]

That's so funny. You just. All this shit's coming through. That's a cool job. Did you like.

[B]

But if you talk about, if you. If you tell anyone I'm skimming darts, I'm gonna tune you up. We're dropping the mitts, dude. You're getting lit up.

[A]

Here's my question. You've lived in both Canada and America.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are Canadians better at fist fighting than Americans?

[B]

Yes. Because there are no guns. There are only farmers have like guns. So everything.

[A]

And they have like shotguns and hunting rifles, right?

[B]

Ye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so every fight, there's no threat of being shot in the head.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So it does see itself through into a fist fight.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

There are certain towns where you will get stabbed.

[A]

Are those the big cities like Ottawa City, Vancouver, Toronto.

[B]

I like how you called it Ottawa City. You mixed Quebec City, Quebec City and Ottawa. Because you're thinking Ontario.

[A]

That's what I'm thinking.

[B]

And yeah.

[A]

I don't respect your country.

[B]

Toronto is the capital of. Yeah. No, you absolutely don't respect. No, no.

[A]

For your fist fighting country. That really is though. When you're an American, you're like raised to be like, kick ass. Grab a gun. Yeah, light some up, brother. Yeah. Rambo, Terminator. Yeah, all of it. You're like, give me the biggest gun. All your toys have guns, but no.

[B]

Our toys had guns too.

[A]

But that's kind of weird though, isn't it? You guys grew up playing with action figures with guns and then you're like.

[B]

And water pistols.

[A]

We can't get these at all.

[B]

We're playing war and like, shooting each other. We weren't like, we. When do we get to really shoot each other in the head?

[A]

You guys never played mass shooter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Revenge.

[B]

We all. We all take turns being the teacher, jumping in front of.

[A]

Oh, oh, someone go block the door. I'm mentally ill and I'm trying to get in the room.

[B]

No one will me, so I'm gonna kill you all.

[A]

That's what the new war is. Kids don't play war much anymore. They play clear out the mall. I'm shopping with my family now my life is different. Yeah, that's. That's. I think that's. You're absolutely right. That's why Canada is better at fist fighting.

[B]

I mean. Yeah.

[A]

And hockey. Hockey.

[B]

Everyone's like, you guys are so nice. It's like, have you ever seen a. A hockey game?

[A]

Yeah. You guys, by the way, I will say YouTube hockey fight. Canadian hockey fights miked up. You guys are the best talkers because you're. You're polite during your talking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where you, like, ask. You go like, you want to go, bud.

[B]

Yeah, you want to go.

[A]

And you're going to throw. You throw? I throw? Yeah, Throw it out and you start fucking.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

20 punches to the head and then they're like, spit out a tooth and like, I'll go to the box.

[B]

Yeah. Good fight, bud.

[A]

Good fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think there's something to be said about it.

[B]

Sometimes it gets it out. It gets it out.

[A]

You pop the zit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you beat the shit out of each other. And hockey players are the toughest athletes.

[B]

Well, you're.

[A]

Outside of mixed martial arts and boxing.

[B]

Like, you're playing team sports. 70% of the physical contact of a football game.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a phys. A football player can only physically do, like, 17 games a year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hockey has 82 games.

[A]

And. And you're not suspended or ejected for fighting unless it's a specific kind of fighting. Right. Like, you're allowed within the rules to fight. However it results in a penalty.

[B]

You need fighting. In hockey, the reason why it hasn't got rid of it yet is because it's such a fast sport that you can take liberties with the other team's best player and the. Like, you can. You can elbow them and no one can see it. You can do stuff that the ref won't catch. And the only way that you can adequately police is if you go, all right, if you do that, I'm going to break your nose in front of your family.

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's not fun.

[B]

Your mom's Watching on tv and your dad's watching. They're in the stands. I'm gonna beat you up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and. And. And, you know, it helps for the most part. You know, it's like how, like, in basketball, like, you know, it's. If there's, like, you have a jump shooter, people like Zaza Patchouli or whatever his name was, he, like, stuck his leg under Kawhi Leonard, and. And then he sprained his ankle, and then nothing could happen.

[A]

You can't fight them, but.

[B]

And that's why the spurs didn't win that year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you can't fight them.

[A]

You can't go, like. You can't send a guy who's, like, eighth on the bench.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To be like, hey, next time he's on the floor, why don't you go him up?

[B]

In. In. In hockey, someone the next shift would grab Steph Curry and beat him up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And be like, you like that?

[A]

That's why.

[B]

Is that what you wanted? Yeah, that's what you get.

[A]

Sidney Crosby always was amazing to me because he was so good at hockey, but he also always had his own goons where, like, guys on the Penguins were like, you touch him. Yeah, I'm going to break your face.

[B]

I met Wayne Gretzky because they call him enforcers or policemen. I met Wayne Gretzky's enforcer. His name was Dave the Tiger Williams.

[A]

Sick.

[B]

And he signed a hat I had, and it was like. I was like, my name's Graham. And he goes. And he spelled, like, glad wrong.

[A]

See, we all do it. Good job, Tiger. I'm right there with you.

[B]

So much cte. He's like, very good.

[A]

Yeah. He goes, you didn't touch Wayne, did you? You go, no, sir.

[B]

No, sir.

[A]

No, sir. But I think that's, like, offices should do that if you have, like, a good employee. And they're like, don't with him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Inner office politics might with him. And he has a. He has a goon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, hey, were you mean to Roger in accounting? And you're like, why is that? He just pulls your shirt over, starts beating the. Out of you. I'm sorry. He ate my lunch. He's like that. That's why I loved. Do you remember that commercial series, Terry Tate, office linebacker?

[B]

Yeah, that was Great.

[A]

They're on YouTube.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Please go watch him. They're so funny. Yeah, but just when the guy throws the recycling, he throws the can in the regular trash, and he's like, whoa, whoa. Scrambled to throw it back. Because There is. There is something about.

[B]

I feel like that's how, like, the. The offices were in, like, the government, like the Nazi government, where they're like, you screwed up. Just the simple filing part of the Nazi government.

[A]

You know, if I have my stapler.

[B]

Oh, no. This is really good. He's really going to come down on me. No, no, no.

[A]

I'm in so much trouble.

[B]

I did not collate.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Oh, my God. He's going to shoot my mother working in Hitler's office. You're like, I up. I up. I didn't get the call that the Russians were involved.

[B]

Going to gas my labradoodle.

[A]

Yeah, I did. He goes, oh, that new wife of yours. Yes. My Fiera just send you to Auschwitz.

[B]

I see this.

[A]

Well, that's what they said about, like, Saddam Hussein's son. Like, he would torture the Iraqi soccer team because they wouldn't win.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they'd have to go home and be like, yeah. And they'd be like, uday Hussein wants to see you. And you're like, damn it. And then he would put a car battery to their testicles because they, like, missed a shot.

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

That's not how you make a winning team. No, you go miss. And you go, no, you just miss a shot. You're like, zap my. No, I would. I would have broke so quickly if I was like a. An Iraqi soccer player.

[B]

I tell you what, I'd be blinking and twitching and sitting up and down.

[A]

OCD would be the least of your problems.

[B]

He's really telegraphing where he's going to kick this thing.

[A]

Why does this man sit down nine times? He's got a little thing called ocd. Torture him.

[B]

Uday Hussein, surprisingly uncompassionate for the ocd.

[A]

What if he was. He's like, well, I know a little bit.

[B]

I also struggle with mental illness.

[A]

Having a father like Saddam is not easy.

[B]

It's very pressure cooker.

[A]

Anybody peeped Uday Hussain's OCD after he gassed the Kurds? Uday got a little weird about it. He's like, if you have ocd, we're not mocking you. Yeah, we're embracing you.

[B]

No, we are mocking the Kurds.

[A]

You should have fought. No, if you read that, you're like, oh, Saddam was a nasty little man. But now you're a full time resident of the United States. You're not an illegal immigrant. This doesn't have to.

[B]

No. No more dogs.

[A]

You don't have to worry about Trump coming in.

[B]

I do. I mean, I had a I, I only have a green card.

[A]

And are you worried about Trump coming in?

[B]

Well, so I was, I, I got a green card. I had a 01 performing arts visa when I lived in LA. And then I, I applied and then got a green card and they, they, they have a beginning date of the green card and then my 01 had an end date. And so they were going to overlap so I was not going to have to leave America.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The whole time I would have been illegal or legal rather. And what happened was, is he got elected and I have been arrested in America and I punched a cop and I got drunk, I got attacked from behind and I, they were playing clothes. It was during the stop and frisk era.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're saying just grab you. They just, they just grabbed me from behind and they, they, they like slammed my head against the, the grate of a bodega that was closed that night. My friend was, she was tagging an outdoor atm and I was like, why are you tagging? We're almost 30. Want to see my tag from ninth grade? And I grabbed her marker and then all of a sudden being slammed by a guy in jeans. And so I elbowed him in the head. And then, you know, they're like, two of them grabbed me from behind. Slamming on the ground, can't cuff me. And I was in jail, I was in jail for, I was, you know, you, they, you make a phone, you're allowed, you're allowed to tell them a number and then they call that number and that person hopefully will come get you out.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But the only number I could remember is my parents phone number back in Canada and they're out walking the dog. So my, my brother picked up and, and he, you know, he's autistic. Yeah. We always, he's, we always pretend that we're Bert and Ernie, my brother. So he goes, I don't know, Grandma, I know Bert. And then, so I was just, I was in jail for four days and.

[A]

And that is kind of a funny way to knock it out of jail. He goes, yeah, I got your, I got Graham K here. And he goes, I don't know Graham. I know Bert.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he goes, excuse me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, why? Well, I'm Ernie, that's Bert. And he goes, excuse me, sir, are you with me? Like in New York? Nybd be like, who the are you to tell me you a. What are you Burton? Ernie? I know Bert.

[B]

I, I like full disclosure. I do this story. I have a.

[A]

She's an incredible one, man. Show about his brother with autism about.

[B]

Girl being the only, like, sibling of a autistic child like, kid. And, you know.

[A]

Are you still doing the One Ranch? Are you still doing it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we're. I, I think we're gonna do it at Soho Playhouse, but go buy tickets.

[A]

I'm telling you right now, he did it at Fringe. He did it. He's taking the show every three, five.

[B]

Star reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

[A]

I. That is an. If you've done the Fringe, you know how impossible that is to get a five. One. Five star. I got a four star and I've been. I've been coasting off it since 2019. But I'm saying a three, five star review at Fringe is ginormous.

[B]

Yeah. But. But anyway, just full disclosure, I'm doing a bit right now. But, like, he.

[A]

Well, you're telling us the bit, which. That's.

[B]

But he, he's like, like there. Why I know he did that is because when I got out and there was like a voicemail on my. On my phone. Because they take away your phone, right? Yeah, and it's my brother, because my brother was. Because I guess that goes. This is Central Booking in New York City. Do you know a Graham K? My brother was like, no, I know a Bert, and I know my brother said that because when I got out, there's a voicemail going, hey, Bert, Ernie here. A man from Central park called in New York City. That's where they filmed Home Alone 2. Okay, bye.

[A]

That's great. And you go, if you're not in trouble. What a fun voicemail. If you're getting out of jail. Not a fun voicemail.

[B]

I was like, you fuck me, Ernie?

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

You got me good, pal.

[A]

Yeah, tell him it's Oscar the Grouch. Now you let him know that Oscar's a little mad about it.

[B]

There's just a room with 20 guys, one toilet, no beds.

[A]

Oh, in four days.

[B]

Yeah. Peanut butter numbers on the walls.

[A]

But that's what happens. They're not sending their best.

[B]

What was I telling this story? Oh, yeah. So I was. I was supposed to be. My green card was supposed to overlap, but then Trump got elected, and even though it. The. It was expunged because it's just a misdemeanor and it was like, thrown out or whatever, but it's still. I got arrested. So my green card, even though I got approved and it was supposed to be in the mail, Trump said, you got elected. He was like, put a stop on all green cards from People that have been arrested.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So I had to. Immediately, I was about to. I was going to move from LA to New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd been in LA for two years. I wanted to move back to New York because I, I started here. I love it here.

[A]

Yeah. You know, you're in the scene here.

[B]

Yeah. I just, I like a walkable city mostly, but and, and so I had a car and I was gonna. I had a tour and I was gonna take Crisscross across America and let's get open for Nate. I was going to open for Gary Goman and do a couple festivals along the way. And I immediately got kicked out of America and had to go back to Ottawa, play cards with Dave and Constance, my parents. And I had to sell everything I owned over the phone, cancel the tour, sell my car over the phone. And I just had like the. Literally like the. To where everything I could grab, like clothes and, and, and then so they.

[A]

Were like, get out right now.

[B]

Yeah. And yeah, yeah. And then my lawyer was like, you have to get out. And so I'm. And wait for it to be resolved. And then finally they were like, you can plead your case to the American consulate in Montreal. You have to go to the American consulate in Montreal. So. And luckily it's only a two hour drive from Ottawa, so I can go in a day. If I lived in Vancouver, I would have to. That's like, like Seattle to like, I would have to fly across country.

[A]

But you don't think they would have given you like a consulate and like, they could.

[B]

There's only one office, really. Yeah. It was weird. And so I, I went to Montreal, booked the appointment, and luckily the late. And you have to, you have to like, I had the sheet of paper still that it was expunged. And I luckily. And so I had to verbally plead my case to a lady behind me. Like a lady.

[A]

Like a DMV glass.

[B]

Like DMV glass. And luckily.

[A]

Hey, what you said earlier, good at interviews.

[B]

Luckily she was black.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I was like, I didn't do anything. And the cops beat me up. And she was like, oh, you got picked up. Okay, no problem. Because in her world, the cops can just make you disappear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's not your fault.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

That could have gone another way though. She could have been like, oh, so you don't like it when they do a dual white, by the way? And you're like, oh, well, I don't.

[B]

I'm white.

[A]

Yeah. You go, yeah, I understand that. I'm just saying I feel your pain.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you do this a lot. You're doing Wakanda forever. Please stop doing Wakanda forever. Yeah. So you want to let me back in?

[B]

Come on, giant turkey.

[A]

Bring me back in.

[B]

Let me into the US Say, hey.

[A]

Girlfriends, you do what my mom does with older black women around. You call her girlfriend. You go, come on, girlfriend. And she goes, I'm not praying. Let me back in. But did you. Was there a moment when you were pleading your case that you kind of saw her be like. Like, I'm gonna let him back in. Did you see her, like, soften at all?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah, I told her the whole story.

[A]

Or was it when she said, you.

[B]

Know, so you can tell someone's telling the truth?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's, like, complete. And it's like they had a quota system back then. They had a thing where, like, that's.

[A]

Why they ended stop and frisk, because it ended up being, like, pretty clear. Guys were just doing it to get.

[B]

The amount of people there was whistleblowers and, like, cops would, like, record their. Their, like, precinct.

[A]

It was overwhelmingly black teenagers for weed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They were overwhelmingly being like. Like, hey, you're a black kid. Get over here.

[B]

Yeah. And they're like, if you don't get your arrests up, get the quota up. If you don't get your arrest up, you're gonna be working at McDonald's. Do you want to work at McDonald's? Arrest more people?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so it was like the end of the month, and they're like, look, these dumb hipsters.

[A]

Oh, man. I bet that.

[B]

I bet they loved it. Slamming me.

[A]

That there was that guy. You did make that guy's day. He probably skipped home. He's like, can I tell you a story? So these hipsters, they're all doodle and doodle and doodle. And I grab one of them, fucking bang right against the dick. Oh, yeah.

[B]

100.

[A]

I got my. This guy elbows me. I turns out this guy's a illegal immigrant. Yeah. And I get to toss his ass back there. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's wild.

[B]

Yeah. And then I held him down and I kissed him.

[A]

And I kissed him. I said, you know what? You look like you're good at interior design. You look a little gay.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Just enough to like it, too. Yeah.

[A]

It's not gay. Soft kiss. Yeah.

[B]

You're like half a chick.

[A]

Hey, you smell good. You dress wonderful. If you were black, I wouldn't notice. I'm only half hot, you know? But I remember you had To. I remember the process of, like, you leaving.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you really were like, hey, I can't live in America.

[B]

I also got a Conan audition and it was illegal for me to do Conan, so it was, like, time for me to go. Like, I was. I, like, didn't have the work paper, so if I got it, I couldn't take Conan. So I was like, oh, it's time for me. I was on a tourist visa the whole time. I would cross the border every six months.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And I would work at restaurants that paid by. They. Well, I would.

[A]

I. I know I try to get you hired at those Caminos.

[B]

Yeah, right. Yeah. And they were like, where's your social? I was like, I don't have one. But in an American accent, they're like, why?

[A]

Are you an alien? Yeah, kind of.

[B]

Kind of.

[A]

Yeah. There was a. Yeah, I remember that. I was working at Dose. And you're like, hey, because Demetrius, our friend.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Worked with us. And you're like, yo, Demetrius. And you guys. You guys both work at Dose. Can you get me hired?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, yeah. I remember we were out having a beer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you go, can they pay me under the table? And I was like, oh, this place is so corporate.

[B]

No, totally. I was down there.

[A]

And you're like, nah, I gotta.

[B]

I can't do that. I could only. I would only work at restaurants that were going out of business and it was. Their last ditch was to not be able to, like, only hire people they couldn't pay.

[A]

Paid. Yeah. They're like.

[B]

So I just lived off. I lived off tips for five years and I got past the clubs that I couldn't get past that. But I had to turn down getting passed when I found out they paid by check. So I only get past that. Clubs that paid in cash.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And it was just, like, becoming. I only planned on staying for a summer, but because I got a. Because I. I was like, oh, I. You know, I was doing. I was like, traveling. I worked in Budapest and I kind of got a late start. It was like 25. And I was like, well, if I do a. I got a summer job that paid under the table working at a rich kid, like a rich kids, like, Jewish summer camp, organizing the trips for them in the summer. They would go abroad and stuff. And it was only like the summer. And I was like, a summer in New York doing comedy is like, you know, two years in Toronto or something. So that was the plan. But I immediately got fired for sending a kid to the wrong city. In Italy.

[A]

What city did you send him to?

[B]

I don't know. It's like. I don't know.

[A]

It's so funny, the thought of a Jewish kid getting there going, this isn't Rome at all. What are you doing? This is no Molaska. Why am I here? Benji Gardenschwartz says that you sent him to the wrong thing. He goes, but, mom, there's no. There's not supposed to be snow in Rome. That's so.

[B]

Benji, you're in Turin.

[A]

You're not supposed to be in North Italy. Yeah, you're supposed to be in. In Southern Italy.

[B]

I. I like to think that Benji went on a nice little adventure because.

[A]

So funny. Benji, if you see this. Sorry about this, but man, you. You really started a comedy career. He really launched your career.

[B]

I had enough money for my sublet, but not enough money for food.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I was like, well, I gotta find a job. So I, I went. I couldn't. No one would hire me at a restaurant, so. But I was like, I'll. But I noticed there's always. I. There's like, girl, like Russian women at these restaurants. I was like, they don't have papers. So I went to the gay neighborhood.

[A]

Oh, good job.

[B]

Back in my day, I was real. Peace.

[A]

Tell you right now, 25 year old Graham K. Good Lord almighty. You got hired. You got picked right up in Hell's Kitchen.

[B]

They put me on the patio.

[A]

Yeah, they did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, they did A little twirl first. They're like, they're like, we don't care where you're from. They go, hey, you know what? Last time I checked, you don't need a visa if you came from heaven. That was how they hired you.

[B]

And you. And. And you'll suck me dry.

[A]

There he goes. There's no. There's no work visas for angels. Go ahead, you go. I don't have to do. I think. We'll see.

[B]

We'll see. I'm trying to break you down. They used to. The, the bartender used to be like, I'll give you $25 if you let me see your chest.

[A]

Did you do it? Why? I don't know.

[B]

I felt weird. I felt weird. She's like, lift up your shirt.

[A]

Don't be gay. It's your chest. Not to be gay while doing gay stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't be. Don't be gay to me. That's so funny. 25 bucks for your chest. I'll do 25 bucks for a chest right now.

[B]

I would do it now.

[A]

Yeah. I was less Secure.

[B]

What if I'm half gay and this is a whole new thing?

[A]

Don't crack me open. Yeah, don't you crack me open by showing my chest.

[B]

I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I don't want to start over again.

[A]

Don't make me sit down nine times.

[B]

Yeah, sit down more than nine.

[A]

Yeah, buddy, you're gonna need a donut when I'm done with you. You are one of my oldest friends in comedy. It's always been fun to hang out. I'm glad that you could come by and do the podcast.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Are you promoting.

[B]

Was this on?

[A]

Yeah, that was. This is the whole podcast. Good. Are you. Are you promoting the One man show?

[B]

I don't have a theater yet, but, you know, follow me on. On. On Instagram. Yeah, we'll follow me on stuff because I will be promoting it on there.

[A]

It's a great shot.

[B]

You know, I have Specials on. On YouTube.

[A]

Yeah, go on YouTube. Follow everything that Graham does. Give him a follow on Instagram. Instagram.

[B]

That was my first one. Was Instagram. K. But no one. Everyone called me Greg or whatever, Grant by accident.

[A]

Dude, whatever, man. I'm.

[B]

I'm half stuff being an immigrant, you know. No one can say your name.

[A]

I'm half stupid. All right. I got problems. Why don't you ever think about me? Just trying to make it about me. Yeah, why don't you make it? Why don't I got problems? No, I. I love you to death. I'm glad you could come by and do this.