Podcast Summary: SPFPP 357: Asexual Insights - De-centering Sex with Pleasure
Podcast Information:
- Title: Something Positive for Positive People
- Host: Courtney Brame
- Episode: SPFPP 357: Asexual Insights - De-centering Sex with Pleasure
- Release Date: October 17, 2024
Introduction
In episode 357 of the Something Positive for Positive People podcast, host Courtney Brame engages in a profound conversation with Aubrey Lancaster, an ASEX certified sexuality educator specializing in asexuality and aromanticism. This episode diverges from the podcast's usual focus on herpes support, delving into the broader themes of minimizing stigma related to sexual and romantic orientations, and exploring intimacy beyond the confines of sex.
Courtney sets the stage by highlighting the significance of reclaiming one's identity beyond a herpes diagnosis, emphasizing the importance of connecting with personal interests and passions. She introduces the topic by referencing the recent Something Positive for Positive People Safe Sex Expo, which aimed to empower individuals to communicate their safety and pleasure needs effectively.
Notable Quote:
"It's so easy to just completely lose sight of your identity and association with these things that bring you life, that bring you joy, that spark passion within you all because of a herpes diagnosis." – Courtney Brame [00:02]
Understanding Asexuality and Aromanticism
Aubrey Lancaster begins by defining asexuality within the context of sexual orientation. She explains that asexuality encompasses individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do so rarely and only under specific circumstances. Aubrey underscores the invisibility of asexual experiences in a society that predominantly assumes sexual attraction and activity as universal.
Key Definitions:
- Asexuality: Lack of sexual attraction or interest in sexual activity.
- Gray Sexuality: Experiencing sexual attraction infrequently or under certain conditions, such as in demisexuality where an emotional bond is necessary for sexual attraction.
Notable Quotes:
"Asexuality is an orientation that isn't oriented in any outward direction." – Aubrey Lancaster [09:29]
"Sexual attraction for some people is simply finding another person sexually appealing, like going to a buffet and not finding the food appealing even if you're hungry." – Aubrey Lancaster [12:03]
Navigating Relationships and Parenting
The conversation transitions to the challenges asexual individuals may face in romantic relationships, especially when societal norms prioritize sexual activity as a cornerstone of intimacy. Aubrey shares her personal experience of having a child through IVF, highlighting the complexities of balancing reproductive desires with asexual identity.
Courtney reflects on the societal expectations surrounding sex and relationships, drawing parallels to personal decisions like abstaining from alcohol. She emphasizes the pressure individuals may feel to conform to normative behaviors, questioning the underlying assumptions that equate sex with relationship fulfillment.
Notable Quotes:
"When sex is sort of the expectation for relationships by society, it's like, all right, well, we're in a relationship and we have sex or whenever, you know, if this is what we are supposed to do." – Courtney Brame [24:23]
"It's okay to not want sex, it's okay to not want romance, regardless of orientation." – Aubrey Lancaster [51:57]
Non-Sexual Intimacy and Pleasure
A significant portion of the discussion centers on redefining intimacy and pleasure outside of sexual contexts. Aubrey elaborates on various forms of intimacy, including emotional, intellectual, sensual, and affectionate intimacy. She advocates for recognizing and valuing these diverse connections as essential components of fulfilling relationships.
Courtney shares insights from her experience with men's emotional wellness, illustrating how societal assumptions often pressure individuals into associating physical touch with sexual intent. She underscores the importance of consensual, non-sexual forms of physical affection, such as cuddling, as valid expressions of intimacy.
Notable Quotes:
"Intimacy is closeness and connection. Sexual intimacy is one of many different kinds of intimacy." – Aubrey Lancaster [32:40]
"We miss out on these non-sexual moments of intimacy and connection because we are so locked into the pressure of needing to have sex." – Courtney Brame [42:10]
Language and Communication in Sexual Health
The episode delves into the challenges of language in discussing sexuality and intimacy, particularly within digital platforms where terms like "pleasure" are often automatically associated with sexual content. Aubrey and Courtney discuss the repercussions of shadow banning and algorithmic censorship, which hinder open conversations about diverse sexual orientations and intimacy practices.
Aubrey highlights the importance of precise language in facilitating healthy communication, advocating for alternatives like "enjoyment" and "satisfaction" to decouple pleasure from sexual connotations.
Notable Quotes:
"Pleasure is satisfaction, desire is dissatisfaction." – Aubrey Lancaster [26:33]
"Understanding that differentiation can be really helpful to begin with." – Aubrey Lancaster [29:34]
Insights and Practical Tools
Aubrey introduces practical strategies for cultivating non-sexual intimacy, such as creating a "pleasure menu" to identify and prioritize sources of enjoyment and satisfaction in one's life. She references Emily Nagoski's work, particularly the concept of differentiating between pleasure and desire, to illustrate how individuals can navigate their personal fulfillment outside of compulsory sexual expectations.
Courtney echoes the need for expanded definitions of intimacy and emphasizes the role of presence and mindfulness in recognizing genuine sources of pleasure.
Notable Quotes:
"Think about scrolling on your phone... when you find something pleasing, it's enjoyment, and then you move back into desire again." – Aubrey Lancaster [26:33]
"I think people need to know that these are real and valid. It's a need." – Courtney Brame [34:10]
Conclusions and Takeaways
As the conversation draws to a close, Aubrey emphasizes the importance of embracing one's identity beyond societal definitions tied to sexual and romantic experiences. She encourages listeners to focus on the myriad ways to connect and find fulfillment, advocating for a shift away from viewing sex as the primary avenue for intimacy.
Courtney reflects on the interconnectedness between reduced social interactions post-COVID and the increasing reliance on digital communication, highlighting the pressing need for authentic human connections in various forms.
Notable Quotes:
"We can spend a lot of time talking about what is sexual attraction... All that does is focus on this concept of lack." – Aubrey Lancaster [43:26]
"It's about presence and being able to identify the real undercurrent of that thing that we're hoping to get or what we are choosing for ourselves." – Courtney Brame [29:34]
Resources and Further Information
Aubrey Lancaster's Contact Information:
- Email: me@asexeducation.com
- Instagram: @asexeducation
Mentioned Works:
- Emily Nagoski's Books:
- Come Together
- Come As You Are
Organizations and References:
- Intimacy Pros Group: The platform through which Courtney and Aubrey connected.
- Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Rhonda J. Brown: A foundational text referenced in the discussion.
Closing Remarks
Courtney concludes the episode by encouraging listeners to engage with the Something Positive for Positive People community through ratings, reviews, and subscriptions. She also highlights the ongoing efforts to secure funding for future Safe Sex Expos, inviting support from listeners to expand these vital workshops.
Notable Quote:
"This is going to be our form of STI prevention, giving people the skills to talk about sex from the lens of pleasure and safety." – Courtney Brame [53:20]
This episode offers a deep exploration of asexuality and aromanticism, challenging societal norms surrounding sex and intimacy. Through insightful dialogue, Courtney and Aubrey provide valuable perspectives and practical tools for listeners to redefine their understanding of connection, pleasure, and personal fulfillment beyond sexual activity.