Podcast Summary: SPFPP 367: Herpes and Nonmonogamy - Integrated Identities for Vulnerability

Release Date: March 28, 2025
Host: Courtney Brame
Guest: Tamar Weir

Introduction

In episode 367 of the Something Positive for Positive People podcast, Courtney Brame welcomes Tamar Weir as her guest to delve into the intricate intersection of living with herpes and navigating nonmonogamous relationships. This episode, titled "Herpes and Nonmonogamy - Integrated Identities for Vulnerability," offers a profound exploration of stigma, vulnerability, and the pursuit of authentic connections.

Tamar’s Initial Herpes Diagnosis

Tamar begins by sharing her journey, recounting how she was diagnosed with HSV2 during her first year at UC Santa Cruz. She describes the onset of symptoms and the confusing path to diagnosis:

[03:50] Tamar Weir: “I just was confused. I went to the doctor and was given a pamphlet and walked out feeling equally confused.”

The lack of supportive communication from healthcare professionals left Tamar feeling isolated and perplexed, a sentiment Courtney echoes from her own experience with cold, factual responses from medical staff.

Navigating Stigma and Finding Support

Both Courtney and Tamar discuss the profound impact of societal stigma surrounding herpes. Tamar emphasizes the crucial role of her support system during her diagnosis:

[11:58] Tamar Weir: “Having people who were older than me, my sister and her husband, ... were there for me. It makes such a huge difference.”

She highlights how personal support contrasted sharply with the broader societal judgment, underscoring the importance of a reliable support network in coping with the emotional weight of her diagnosis.

The Journey of Disclosing Herpes Status

Tamar elaborates on her evolving approach to disclosure. Initially, she bore the heavy responsibility of educating everyone around her, which proved exhausting:

[14:16] Tamar Weir: “I was the main educator in all of my circles... It was exhausting.”

Over time, Tamar shifted towards a more balanced method, focusing on sharing her experiences when she felt the conversation was naturally open. She also began leveraging digital platforms, such as her blog "Everything Juicy" and her Instagram page "Pomegranate Pleasure," to share her journey in a more controlled and less burdensome manner.

Managing Disclosure Fatigue and Establishing Boundaries

Courtney probes into how Tamar handles the emotional toll of repeatedly disclosing her herpes status, especially within the context of her nonmonogamous lifestyle. Tamar reflects on her evolving strategies:

[19:22] Tamar Weir: “I created a strict rule... not on the first time I see somebody, but like the second or third just to really see if they were the type of person that could hold that.”

This phased approach allows Tamar to assess compatibility and build trust before initiating difficult conversations, thereby mitigating disclosure fatigue.

Interplay Between Herpes and Nonmonogamy

A significant portion of the discussion centers on how Tamar's diagnosis intertwines with her choice of nonmonogamy. She explains that both aspects necessitate constant vulnerability and open communication:

[50:11] Tamar Weir: “My whole sexual being is in connection with my relationship style. ... It was like I had to open the conversation in many ways.”

Tamar highlights how nonmonogamy amplifies the need for honest dialogue, not only about her herpes status but also about mutual expectations and boundaries within relationships.

Cultural Differences in Stigma and Acceptance

Tamar shares her observations from living in different cultural contexts, noting a stark contrast in how herpes is perceived outside the United States. In many places, the stigma is minimal, and conversations about STIs are more normalized:

[30:48] Tamar Weir: “When I disclose and I'm not in the US, people do not care. They see it as a small aspect of something that remains always.”

This comparative perspective underscores the profound influence of cultural attitudes on individual experiences with STIs and emphasizes the need for broader societal change in the US.

Self-Care Strategies for Managing Herpes

Tamar discusses her personalized approach to managing herpes, which centers on stress reduction and body awareness rather than solely relying on antiviral medications:

[45:13] Tamar Weir: “I take care of my body and my mind... that's my main prevention is like, okay, what can I do to make my body feel less stressed.”

By tuning into her body's signals and maintaining a holistic self-care routine, Tamar effectively minimizes the frequency and severity of outbreaks, fostering a sense of empowerment over her condition.

Vulnerability in Dating and Relationships

Courtney addresses the emotional challenges Tamar faces in the dating world, particularly how her need for vulnerability intersects with societal expectations and the pressures of nonmonogamous relationships. Tamar candidly shares her experiences of disappointment when partners fail to accept her identities:

[56:36] Tamar Weir: “I do feel disappointment a lot... I don't know if that is possible to find non monogamous life partners where we're open with the body.”

Despite her confidence and openness, Tamar acknowledges the persistent struggle to find partners who are genuinely accepting and understanding, highlighting the ongoing battle against societal stigma.

Overcoming Disappointment and Continuing the Journey

Tamar reflects on her aspirations for a future where vulnerability and open communication are normalized, expressing both hope and frustration:

[55:51] Courtney Brain: “Has herpes tapped into any kind of vulnerability for you with partners?”

[56:36] Tamar Weir: “I do feel disappointment a lot... I'm still working through that.”

Her resilience shines through as she continues to seek meaningful connections while navigating the inherent challenges of her intersecting identities.

Conclusion and Connection

As the episode wraps up, Tamar provides listeners with ways to connect and support her ongoing work:

[59:08] Tamar Weir: “The Instagram handle is Pomegranate Pleasure... You can also find my blog... you can email me at tomorrow8@gmail.com.”

Courtney concludes by promoting the upcoming Herpes Stigma Conference and encouraging listeners to engage with the podcast community.

Key Takeaways

• Intersection of Identities: Tamar Weir's experience exemplifies how living with herpes and embracing nonmonogamy intersect, each necessitating distinct yet overlapping forms of vulnerability and communication.

• Evolving Disclosure Practices: The journey from being a primary educator to adopting a more intuitive and balanced disclosure strategy highlights the importance of self-care and personal boundaries.

• Cultural Influence on Stigma: Differing cultural attitudes significantly impact the experience of living with STIs, underscoring the necessity for broader societal change in stigmatizing conditions.

• Importance of Support Systems: Reliable support networks are crucial in navigating the emotional terrain of stigma, fostering resilience and empowerment.

• Self-Care and Body Awareness: Personalized self-care routines, focusing on stress reduction and body awareness, play a pivotal role in managing herpes effectively.

Notable Quotes

• Tamar Weir on Initial Diagnosis:
  “[03:50] Tamar Weir: …I went to the doctor and was given a pamphlet and walked out feeling equally confused.”

• Tamar Weir on Support Systems:
  “[11:58] Tamar Weir: …Having people who were older than me, my sister and her husband… were there for me. It makes such a huge difference.”

• Tamar Weir on Evolving Disclosure:
  “[19:22] Tamar Weir: …I created a strict rule... not on the first time I see somebody, but like the second or third just to really see if they were the type of person that could hold that.”

• Tamar Weir on Cultural Differences:
  “[30:48] Tamar Weir: When I disclose and I'm not in the US, people do not care. They see it as a small aspect of something that remains always.”

Connect with Tamar Weir

• Instagram: @PomegranatePleasure
• Blog: Everything Juicy (Available through Instagram bio or Google search)
• Email: tomorrow8@gmail.com

This episode offers a heartfelt and insightful dialogue on managing herpes within the framework of nonmonogamous relationships, emphasizing the importance of vulnerability, self-care, and the ongoing fight against societal stigma. Tamar Weir's candid reflections provide invaluable support and understanding for listeners navigating similar paths.