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- [00:04]
Courtney
Hello and welcome to Something positive for Positive People. Where normally you'd hear me talk about herpes related things and today that's not what this is going to be. I tried to record this a second ago and realized that the way that.
- [00:20]
Cam Frazier
I started was very dark. So I'm going to preface it with.
- [00:25]
Courtney
That I am taking a step in my grieving process of completing this full circle, at least publicly, but also doing so in a way that I haven't.
- [00:41]
Cam Frazier
Been in a while.
- [00:41]
Courtney
I haven't been vulnerable. For real, for real in a while. I sent out my newsletter on March 31, today's March or April 5, and.
- [00:51]
Cam Frazier
I got a lot of really good.
- [00:54]
Courtney
Just positive support from people that I.
- [00:58]
Cam Frazier
Didn'T even know I had support from.
- [01:00]
Courtney
And it was a beautiful set of moments where my email would, you know.
- [01:05]
Cam Frazier
Pop up and somebody would just say, hey, I read your newsletter.
- [01:08]
Courtney
You know, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Here's something that could be helpful. And these were very thoughtful messages and I just appreciate everyone who was there for me because then breakups fucking suck, man. And as a dog, I'm supposed to just go and like somebody else and like move on and get through it, get over it. But don't nobody like give you the sympathy that like women get out of the relationship. No one is. I'm not saying I want anybody to just feel bad for me, but it's nice to just be considered and appreciate it, you know. And while I'm so grateful and thankful to the people who have reached out, also take into consideration who hasn't reached out. And I guess like, you know, if, you know, mutual people who are connected, like maybe you feel like you have to take sides and that that hurts. And the way that that hurts is in a way that I cannot communicate language for. And so I don't want to make this like a men, women thing, but it absolutely is. Like I'm in the field of sex education where there the space is predominantly women. And you know, I've even had people.
- [02:25]
Cam Frazier
Ask me why aren't there more men, straight men, cisgendered, heterosexual men here?
- [02:29]
Courtney
And the like, the, the ways of engaging. Maybe this is like one of those things where men's spaces do need to be men's spaces and women's spaces need to be women's spaces. And like the integration, the two, you kind of get some of the good with it, you get the bad with it, and it's application for the other sex. Let's just go there. Male, female, socially conditioned, as men, women, however you want to look at it. But, like, yeah, I do think that it's up, to be completely honest, that more of more people know that my relationship has ended than people who've known that I was even in a relationship. Like, that's wild. And that so many people that I would say, like, I thought were mutual friends of my ex. And I, like, I don't know if it's just that she got the story out there first or what, but also I recognize, like, how unrelatable my side and my experience is and has been to. To these people because they're not. They've not been socialized as men. Like, there's no conditioning there, regardless of, like, if you date men, if you know men, like, it's. It's. It's different. And again, I'm so grateful for the people who've reached out. And I'm also able to stand here and say that, like, it. I'm grateful for the people who didn't reach out. And I'm. I'm okay now. Like, regardless of how that sounded, like, I've already done my journaling. I already had my therapy sessions. Like, not that those things are concluded, but I've been able to just be angry in therapy. And I realized that, like, there. There's no space for me to have my raw emotions because you. Even in a lot of the things that I've been angry about or I am angry about, it's not been safe for me to express and communicate that anger. And so regardless of how much I can't stand my therapist, he did a really good job of holding that space for me to just be angry. And he let me know, like, you need to be able to be angry. And like, I think I have a fear of my own anger. I've had. Yes, I have and have had a fear of my own anger. And. And the reason for that being because I've had spaces created by men to express that. I played football since I was in seventh grade. So all that, any anger that I would have had got to be channeled towards hitting somebody or got to be channeled towards collaborating in a way that I'm supported by making other people better on my team. For us to go out and win championships and possibly earn scholarships or that we can go to college and continue to do that, and then, bam, we get plopped into the real world. And then that. That transition between you playing sports and then having to be in the real world, like, there's no outlet.
- [05:48]
Cam Frazier
There's no outlet for Those emotions, they're just.
- [05:52]
Courtney
There isn't. And you have to. First off, not only do you have to identify that there was such an importance and a critical need in being able to express your emotions, but also you have to recognize, oh, here was where I did that, here was how I did that.
- [06:10]
Cam Frazier
How do I replace this?
- [06:12]
Courtney
And I'm very fortunate that shortly after playing football, like, there was a short gap between when sports ended and then when I got to start something positive for positive people, because I think there might have been like four years in there where I think that a lot of the unconscious expression of emotions may have happened through sex, like my sexual experiences. And through those sexual experiences, I've come, I've developed the communication to be able to have conversations with people like Cam Frazier, shout out to him where we got to talk about how a lot of men do sports, is also how a lot of men do sex. And being able to, like, have an exchange with somebody about that blew my mind, y'all. And I think that that was very spot on. And now here I am in 2025, from an accumulation of experiences that I was aware of at least between 2012 and 2017, now having, like, the language and understanding of what was happening for me with my emotions. And like, yeah, the. The anger thing, man, like, I have been angry and unable to really express that anger. And in that intensity of an emotion, like, it feels very needy for me to have my emotion of anger. It feels very needy because I feel that I am emotionally intense. I know that. I know I'm intense emotionally. I do know that, like, it takes a very specifically kind of traumatized person to be able to do the work that I do. And for me to have accumulated the skills and the connections and everything that I have accumulated over the years to be able to continue to do this and at some type of a consistent basis, I. I just lost my train of thought. For me to have been able to accumulate all of these things is low key. Nothing short of divine everything, divine intervention, timing, all of that. And so I, I share all of that. Just to say that, you know, in this grief, they talk about stages of grief, but grief is non linear. You might be sad, you might be mad, you might always be something that you don't know you are, and then you realize it and bam, you're there. But this morning, I. I want to make sure that I remain consistent in posting a podcast episode every week. And I don't have a herpes topic. Today I deactivated my podcast website self, which the Reason that I did that is because there's a number of reasons.
- [09:28]
Cam Frazier
Actually that I did that.
- [09:30]
Courtney
One of the reasons is that it, I feel like it takes away, it has taken away and maybe I'll be able to come back to it, but it takes away from what my capacity is right now for being able to continue to run something positive for positive people. And Self was more so for me to just like, have a space as a man, to just process stuff the way that I am now. Like being able to press record on something, have the accountability of doing it once a week. It's like a weekly check in for myself. A big thing happens over the week, an emotionally intense thing. And then I maybe journal about it, and then I go to Self and then I talk about what that process.
- [10:12]
Cam Frazier
Was like for me.
- [10:13]
Courtney
And I've, I, I, I, I'm tired. I'm tired of separating my existence. I'm tired of, oh, well, this part of me goes here, that part of me goes there. I'm exhausted from it. And as I'm speaking right now, like, maybe you hear an undercurrent of emotion in my voice. But yeah, there, there is. And I, I feel so good about it and where I'm speaking from because this feels like this, this is in fact a transformation. So I was gonna just start this podcast with that. I'm eulogizing my lowercase C self, but I realized that that probably sounded like a suicide note or something. And that is not what's happening. All right? I don't want y'all to know that. So here we are. It's April 5, 2025, and I've been away. I've been home in St. Louis for the past month. This is the longest I've been home since I left consistently. Right. Like, even when I was here for the summer, 2023, I was traveling and going to see places. But the point of this podcast episode.
- [11:29]
Cam Frazier
Is.
- [11:32]
Courtney
Letting go for real letting go and integration. I have been grieving for a long time. I've been grieving in my relationship even while things were, quote, good between us. I think that there were, in looking back, a lot of signs. A handful. There's a handful of very distinct moments where I knew that I was going to eventually have to let go of my identity in association with this person that I was in a relationship with. It's not about her. It's not about what happened in the relationship. It's about my attachment to this big picture of my life and the attachment being, to becoming that person only in association with Her. And that's a very challenging thing to grieve because the entirety of the relationship, like, I was working towards that or working on that and being that person and changing my belief system, changing my behavior patterns and forcing myself to, like, even try and change, like, who I am. And in doing so, there were all these inconsistencies. There were all of these, like, resistances that I had internally. And there wasn't a balance. I think that everything is. There's like a fluctuation to it. It's a dance. There's contraction and expansion, right? We look at the universe starting from this Big bang theory, right? Like, everything was condensed and then bam, explosion. And now everything's expanding from that contracted state. And so what I would do is I'd have so much inner resistance or contractions in trying to restructure who I am. And then on the outside, there was so much like, allowing and accepting and expansion externally. So there's so much inner struggle that isn't being let out. And then externally there's so much acceptance minus any, like, bringing up of a. Here are inconsistencies that need to be pointed out.
- [14:08]
Cam Frazier
And I. I tried to take all.
- [14:10]
Courtney
Of this on myself. And again, like, maybe this is a socially conditioned as a man thing where, like, yeah, you just, you deal with it. You fix the Right. And I thought, I thought that I was good at communication and I thought that I was getting better at communication, and I thought all of these things. And this isn't the first time that this kind of thing has happened. It's a pattern for me of, like, wanting to not.
- [14:49]
Cam Frazier
Not necessarily just, like, merge, but also.
- [14:52]
Courtney
Just, like, being excited, man.
- [14:53]
Cam Frazier
Being excited that, you know, I found.
- [14:55]
Courtney
My person, that I'm the kind of person who likes to have my cake and eat it too. And I thought I found somebody who. Who also wanted to eat cake with me. And that wasn't what it was. That wasn't what happened. And over time, like, I tried to make myself not like cake throughout the relationship. I was like, all right, well, you.
- [15:20]
Cam Frazier
Know, maybe I can.
- [15:22]
Courtney
And trying to convince myself of things that, like, I've already worked so hard in being able to, like, accept about myself. So all this acceptance for myself, you know, I'm meeting with these resistances for the sake of becoming this big picture self person that I only saw in relation to being with this person. And this morning, as I was journaling about this, like, I asked Chad, GPT, what's that word for what they do at funerals where they, like, honor the person who passed. And it was like, I gave it a little more context of what I wanted to do. I wanted to have this podcast recording where I just, like, honored the life of my lowercase c self. And so he gave me a template. And as he gave me the template, I. I choked up. I started crying. And two tears fall out. And then my mom text me, can you talk? I was like, how? You know, I'm crying? And then she called me with some. Took me out of being able to feel my feelings. And I think that I do that a lot. Maybe everybody does that a lot where we're starting to have big feelings or emotions, and then we reach for our phone, we start to have these big emotions, and then we, you know, text that person. We ain't got no business texting, right? And I mean, I use myself as an example here too, where I recognize that because I've done a lot of masturbating over the last, like, month. I let myself. I was like, yo, this is my call coping strategy. Like, I'm just gonna let myself do this. And with that, I was watching porn, and there was a day, because I'm also listening to no More Mr. Nice Guy Again, which is a book by Dr. Robert Glover that talks about men integrating being.
- [17:13]
Cam Frazier
Being what it.
- [17:13]
Courtney
What it looks like to be a man of integrity. And so one of the things in there that they speak about is not watching porn. They call it healthy masturbation, right? And being able to see, like, what comes up, what feelings, what emotions, and allow yourself to do it without any external stimulants. But treating it also is like a meditative practice of some sort. So it was just me, my, My. My hands and my coconut oil. And I felt shit.
- [17:45]
Cam Frazier
Like, that shit was intense. But I recognize that that was probably.
- [17:51]
Courtney
The most present that I've been with my body during sex. I mean, it was just me, right? But it wasn't performance based. It wasn't contingent on having the orgasm. It was just like something was happening in my body that probably happens all the time when I masturbate or all the time when I have sex. And I was able to feel that. Like, I didn't start crying or anything. Like, I did think that maybe there would be a time where I would cry, like, just thinking, oh, I used.
- [18:24]
Cam Frazier
To do this with her.
- [18:26]
Courtney
But that's.
- [18:27]
Cam Frazier
That's not what it is.
- [18:28]
Courtney
Like, it's not about her. It's not about the relationship. It's literally about my attachment to who I saw myself being in the future relationship to her. And that's who I have to grieve. And the person that was working up to that, I call lowercase C Courtney. Lowercase C Courtney is probably best described as my inner feminine. Lowercase C, Courtney is very impulsive. Laura C, Courtney is like, man, I'm not making any money here, let's move to Portland. And then my higher self, capital C Courtney is like, who what? Who like does the things to make that happen, right? Courtney's like, do this, we want to do this. And then capital C Courtney is like, all right, let's make it happen. And they're very representative of this external seeking of safety and freedom. So lowercase Courtney very much values freedom. Capital C Courtney very much value safety. I think that capital C Courtney is like, there's this, there's this thing on the Internet, it says you, you need to be looking out for two people, your 80 year old self and your 8 year old self. Like, those are only two people that you need to like, approve, have approval from. Would your 8 year old self look up and be like, courtney, I'm proud of you? And would your 80 year old self look back and go, I'm proud of me? So for where I'm at right now, you know, I'm damn near halfway there.
- [20:27]
Cam Frazier
But my 8 year old self is very much that lowercase self.
- [20:35]
Courtney
My 8 year old self that didn't have any freedom.
- [20:42]
Cam Frazier
You know, I grew up in Ferguson, Missouri and that's not like this is.
- [20:45]
Courtney
Where Mike Brown was murdered and all the protests started.
- [20:53]
Cam Frazier
And it wasn't, it wasn't a bad place to me.
- [20:56]
Courtney
Like, I mean, but that, that's what I knew. So a lot of stuff that is bad to me, I'm like, what? So.
- [21:10]
Cam Frazier
I remember not being able to.
- [21:11]
Courtney
Go past like three houses to the left of where I live, then three houses to the right where I live.
- [21:17]
Cam Frazier
And that my neighborhood was so like big.
- [21:20]
Courtney
It was shaped like an 8.
- [21:22]
Cam Frazier
I remember it was shaped like an 8.
- [21:25]
Courtney
And we were on foot all the time and like we play Frisbee, we.
- [21:29]
Cam Frazier
Play basketball at one of our places.
- [21:31]
Courtney
And we also like couldn't go into people's houses because my mom was very protective of us. My mom, she. Something happened to her when she was a kid and she won't. She made damn sure that that thing didn't happen to me or my, my siblings. And I didn't have, I just didn't have freedom. And I very much valued being able to go around the block.
- [21:59]
Cam Frazier
And as I got older and became.
- [22:01]
Courtney
More independent and I got a Bike, right? Like it didn't make sense to just stay on the street where she can.
- [22:07]
Cam Frazier
Come outside and see me.
- [22:09]
Courtney
And my mom also, like she worked, she worked a lot of different jobs where she wasn't really at home a lot. And safety was also something that she valued because we had a code for this was like when caller ID first started, we had a code for if she was the person calling, like, don't answer the phone for nobody, don't, like don't unlock the door for nobody. Like I remember these things and I remember being in trouble for like losing the key because it was unsafe to lose a key because someone could find the key and break into your house and steal your shit and kill everybody in it.
- [22:46]
Cam Frazier
So this is the kind of childhood that I had.
- [22:49]
Courtney
It was one where safety was so much more emphasized than freedom was. And I couldn't do shit. Like to me, I couldn't do shit. And not being able to do shit for me was very like, it felt.
- [23:10]
Cam Frazier
I think that I might have been.
- [23:12]
Courtney
A slave in a past life or something because I fucking hate being told what I cannot do. Like in my body there's an activation of rage. It makes me angry. Not like, you know, illegal stuff, right? But like things that I.
- [23:36]
Cam Frazier
Especially have worked so hard for myself to be able to do.
- [23:41]
Courtney
And my 8 year old self did not have the opportunity to have freedom. My 8 year old self didn't get to play. I think my little sister was born when I was seven, seven years older than that. I think I'm seven years older than my sister. And then like that was where I became a big brother. And now like it's not just like my mom having to keep me safe, but also the responsibility of me having to keep my little sister saf from the same things that I had to stay safe from. And so this was ingrained in me very young to not really have space to play. And then I guess I can translate this to herpes. But like 8 year old me being so safe and not having the experiences of freedom gets to high school. And in high school like I play football and now I got like an excuse of being able to venture into new territories as long as I got the gas to get to where I need to go and the money to be able to do whatever I need to do there. And I started to venture out and these lifestyles that were way outside of what was in my little eight shaped neighborhood became exposed to me or I became exposed to. And I got to talk to people who weren't in Survival mode who didn't have, like, to stay within two streets of their home when they went outside, because the neighborhoods that they lived in were way fucking different than mine. And I got to befriend these people and the fucking challenges of understanding and communication. Like, me and all my friends, we lived with our moms and we saw our dads on weekends. Like, that was. That was normal to me. Like, when I got around these people, they had both parents in the household, and it was a completely different feeling. It was like, whoa.
- [25:52]
Cam Frazier
I remember asking one of my friends, I was like, whoa, your parents together? Like, shocked. And this might have been one of.
- [26:01]
Courtney
The biggest, like, shocks to me, but, like, I don't have to do things the way that I've seen people do things.
- [26:12]
Cam Frazier
I don't have to do things the way that I've only seen people do things. I've watched my grandparents get divorced.
- [26:23]
Courtney
I didn't watch that, but I very distinctly remember an event that occurred that my grandmother was living with us, and then my grandmother was not living with us. And it was me, my mom, my granddad. I remember. I don't remember my parents ever, like, ending the relationship, but to me, they were just never together. Like, I always had my mom and I saw my dad on weekends. My grandparents on my dad's side. I don't know how many times he done remarried. Like, my grandfather's remarried a few times.
- [26:57]
Cam Frazier
And.
- [26:59]
Courtney
My family, man, like, their relationships.
- [27:05]
Cam Frazier
Like, I. I don't.
- [27:06]
Courtney
I don't want to just have kids, right? Like, I don't care to just, like, have a baby mama. I don't care to just, like, have kids out here. The thing that I didn't have was freedom, but I damn sure had safety. Like, they every. Everybody kept me safe. And.
- [27:33]
Cam Frazier
I do a real good job with safety.
- [27:37]
Courtney
I don't do a great job with freedom. I don't even know if that's the way that I meant to say that. But, like, I've gotten so many examples of safety just being, don't do this, don't do, do this. And when I have so much safety, I don't have freedom, right? And as an adult, I've come to value freedom in order to feel safe. Like, I need to have my freedom in order for me to feel safe. The more I can be free to be myself, the safer I feel. Like, I remember I was in college.
- [28:20]
Cam Frazier
I remember, like, I think I was.
- [28:22]
Courtney
Probably the only person talking about, oh, yeah, yeah, I masturbate in the shower. I take my phone in there and, like, Everybody laughed. But, like, that was freeing for me and safe for me. But then I'd end up in relationships with women who would be like, ew, Courtney, that's gross. Like, ew, you watch porn. Ew, you masturbating the shower. Ew, you. And because of my upbringing, I guess.
- [28:51]
Cam Frazier
Like, that safety was like, oh, okay, well, maybe this is wrong. Maybe I do need to stop doing that.
- [28:58]
Courtney
Maybe I do need to stop doing these things. But, like, if I like doing these things and I just, like, don't do them, like, I. Or maybe I just won't talk to people about it. Maybe I just won't be vocal about it. Maybe I won't be loud about it. Maybe I won't be myself. And I remember this starting as early as childhood, and I remember it being reinforced when I was in college by, you know, I'd be in relationships with.
- [29:25]
Cam Frazier
People and be like, dude, do you even like me? I don't know how relatable that is.
- [29:32]
Courtney
Where, you know, you end up in a relationship because of safety, and then, like, you're. You're. You feel safe, but are you having fun? Are you able to be who you. Are you able to, like, live out your life without having to explain your existence or why you like certain things or why you are the way you are? And this has been such a pattern for me. And this is why, like, I've. I've thought that I've been very selective.
- [30:04]
Cam Frazier
And picky in who I choose to.
- [30:05]
Courtney
Be in relationships with, and I'm 0 for 4. I've done that shit four times. I love being in relationships. I.
- [30:14]
Cam Frazier
The dating stuff. Like, I. Depending on who you talk to about me, like, you might hear something different, but dating isn't.
- [30:24]
Courtney
I'm not good at dating.
- [30:26]
Cam Frazier
And one of the things that I've.
- [30:29]
Courtney
Realized, especially recently, is, like, I don't.
- [30:32]
Cam Frazier
I don't care to, like, date.
- [30:35]
Courtney
And, like, oh, let me, you know.
- [30:36]
Cam Frazier
Do these things get to know you. I'm a date around, like, the transition.
- [30:40]
Courtney
Period between a breakup. Like, people get on dating apps, and they're like, oh, I just got out of relationship. Not looking for anything serious right now. All right, cool. So you want to, like, practice that over the thing that you've practiced and gotten good at? Like, for me. Let me not speak for other people, but for myself, right? Like, coming out of this relationship, I have learned that I absolutely need to detach from my identity as who I see myself being in association with the other person. Right? So that's what I have to grieve.
- [31:20]
Cam Frazier
If I didn't have to grieve that.
- [31:21]
Courtney
It wouldn't be anything to grieve. Right? Like, my life is actually really fucking good and the most peaceful that it's been for a while. Like, me just coming home, being around my people, being around my support system, and having a plan for what my life looks like, still working on something positive for positive people, the developments of what's to come and the skills that I've learned and being able to network locally with people and organizations that have always been here. Like, the ending of this relationship wasn't about the ending of the relationship. This was 100, about my own inner resistances, especially to coming back home. And this is where lowercase C Courtney comes in. Because it was like, I got to get out of St. Louis. St. Louis is suffocating. No one here is, like, capable of or doing the things that I'm doing or that I want to do. And this just isn't my space. I'm not going to find my people here. I'm not going to find, you know, my. My person here. And then don't get it twisted when I talk about, like, my person. I do know that the kind of relationship that I will be in is one of much more openness than I've had in past relationships of, like.
- [32:41]
Cam Frazier
Because I ask everybody, I ask, I ask my partners, what do you.
- [32:44]
Courtney
What do we do one day if I wake up and I decide I want to a dude? How are we going to handle this?
- [32:49]
Cam Frazier
And the way that they respond to.
- [32:51]
Courtney
That tells me a lot of information. And all of the responses that I've gotten up to the most recent relationship have always been, like, some form of judgment or judgmentalness about it. And it's like, well, the sexuality is supposed to be fluid, right? So I don't know, what if one day that happens? How are we going to handle it? Like, are you going to end the relationship with me? Because I'm in the state of Missouri, and, like, I've even had. I've had sexual partners who've been like, yeah, like, I can't be with a man who isn't dominant or who isn't. Who would, like, let me put my finger in his ass, Right? Like, these kinds of conversations have been, like, common here in my dating relationships experience here.
- [33:38]
Cam Frazier
So, yeah, like, what happens? Like, I. I guess I need that.
- [33:44]
Courtney
Freedom and to be able to know.
- [33:48]
Cam Frazier
Like, all right, are you okay with the change?
- [33:51]
Courtney
Because to me, that's the most extreme change for me at least, because, like, as far as I'VE known For the last 36 years I've been straight and I don't foresee that change. And like, life lifes and whatever the.
- [34:07]
Cam Frazier
Fuck ends up happening in life ends up happening in life.
- [34:10]
Courtney
And so, you know, I asked that.
- [34:13]
Cam Frazier
To see how flexible somebody is.
- [34:16]
Courtney
And, you know, I got like loopholed in my most recent relationship because, like, that wasn't the worst thing that could happen to her or that wasn't the most extreme thing that could happen to her. And I bypassed what her response was.
- [34:33]
Cam Frazier
Thinking, like, huh, okay, well, that's new.
- [34:35]
Courtney
But even then, like, I now know my intention for asking that kind of question. And so my thing about, you know, whatever relationship that I end up in, because I've also just like casually seen it ain't even casual dating. Like, these were casual relationships. And then my casual relationships, there have been.
- [35:00]
Cam Frazier
There have been moments of like.
- [35:04]
Courtney
I've not always been with monogamous people or non monogamous people. Like, there's been this hope for more. There's been a hope for something more that I might not have consciously been aware of. But the way that these people, some.
- [35:22]
Cam Frazier
Some of these people responded to me.
- [35:24]
Courtney
Saying I had a girlfriend, like, they lost they shit a man. And I'm probably exaggerating, but the response was like, not what I expected at all. And so.
- [35:41]
Cam Frazier
Oh, where am I going with this?
- [35:43]
Courtney
Oh, the relationship thing. So ending a relationship and then like jumping out into the dating world and like trying to as many people as I can, that doesn't appeal to me. And I want to have relationships that work for me. I am not what happened.
- [36:09]
Cam Frazier
And talking to my ex, and I'll.
- [36:10]
Courtney
Say this because she's openly talking about being single and celibate for however long and for me, why would I do that? Why would I? I get it. I hear you in the sense of like, wanting to make space and spend time with yourself and date yourself and get to know yourself. That sound good. But like, the more you do a thing, the better you get at that thing. I've been single. I've been single and unintentionally celibate. I've been single and out here and now for where I am, like coming out of a relationship where I'm like.
- [36:48]
Cam Frazier
Damn, you know what I like. I'm seeing things that I'm capable of.
- [36:52]
Courtney
That I didn't know that I was capable of before. And some of the things that I've learned in this relationship are that this is what things can look like. And I think a lot of that was outside of my realm of possibility. And again, this isn't in relation to her, is in relation to me. Like, I got to see myself be a supportive boyfriend of. You know, regardless of how sporadic some of the things were that I might have been supporting. I got to, like, see, okay, let.
- [37:30]
Cam Frazier
Me make this happen for you.
- [37:32]
Courtney
Like, I can make this thing happen, and I can do this externally. I can do this for someone else. I can get these resources, I can make these asks for someone else. And this is somebody that I care about. Like, yeah, like I did.
- [37:47]
Cam Frazier
I'll never get over.
- [37:48]
Courtney
Like, I do things. And she'd be like, I didn't ask you to do that. And it's like, well, you shouldn't have to. Like, if you. The person that I'm seeing myself be with for the rest of my life, I'm not gonna watch you have to struggle through and suffer through whatever while I'm over here, like, living good.
- [38:11]
Cam Frazier
That.
- [38:12]
Courtney
That don't make sense to me. And so it doesn't feel fair for whoever it is that I'm supposed to be with if I were to just, like, all the things that didn't work in my last relationship shut that shit down and not do those things because they didn't work in this relationship that obviously I wasn't supposed. Supposed to be in. And so now, moving forward into the new relationship, like, the reality is that whoever it is I'm supposed to be.
- [38:43]
Cam Frazier
With, whatever I'm doing is a fit for that person.
- [38:46]
Courtney
Whoever I am is a fit for that person. Like, we're fit for each other. And damn, I was supposed to just, like, read this eulogy. I'm eulogizing my lowercase self. My lowercase self. But I guess this needs to come out because I've been trying so hard. I don't know how many times I tried to record a podcast episode and ended up just cutting it off. Because I bring up the relationship after saying, like, I don't want to give that any energy anymore. So this is really about now, you know, lessons that I've learned that can be applied here for other people to be able to take.
- [39:25]
Cam Frazier
And also, see, man, like, herpes ain't the worst fucking thing that is going.
- [39:29]
Courtney
To happen to you. It's not. And if it is, or if it has been, you've had a very good life. I. I don't know how many times I said that. I haven't said it a lot. But for real, man, if.
- [39:41]
Cam Frazier
If herpes is the worst thing to happen to you.
- [39:46]
Courtney
You had a real Good life.
- [39:52]
Cam Frazier
So I think about, you know, another.
- [39:58]
Courtney
Time where my freedom was like taken. And it was upon my diagnosis, like, I didn't think that I would ever have sex again.
- [40:07]
Cam Frazier
Who's gonna want to have sex with.
- [40:08]
Courtney
Somebody who has herpes? So during that time, like, I was focused on just working, want to work, getting the money. And then like the universe presented me with people who didn't mind that I had herpes. But these people weren't like, well, I tried to be in a relationship and then I met someone who had herpes. And then, right, like all that stuff. But my sexual freedom was taken away from me. I perceived it as that and as my sexual freedom was taken away from me. Like, I had to find other ways of being able to explore that part of myself. And this is one more of those things where it's like, I'm angry. Why did this happen to me? I didn't have those emotions, but those emotions were driven into my shadow and my shadow has come out during sex. Not to say that I'm like, you know, doing fucked up shit to people, but like the, the intensity and the passion is like there. And sex might have been unhealthily used as a vehicle of expressing the same emotions that I would have expressed in playing sports, in competition, right. So that repressed anger may have come out as people pleasing, like, oh, you.
- [41:36]
Cam Frazier
Know, well, let me do this for you. Let me be nice to you. Let me do these things for you and your family and people around you.
- [41:43]
Courtney
Right? And I never really made that connection of like an intense emotion like anger being linked to people pleasing. But I think that that, I think.
- [41:54]
Cam Frazier
I think that that.
- [41:56]
Courtney
I think that that's what it is. I'll be getting chat banned on Call of Duty for when I fumble through words. I don't say that F word. I don't say the R word. These are the things that people get banned for. But I stuttered over saying pizza box or something and they chat banned me for 14 days. And I'm on my third one from not, not even saying anything fucked up. So I'm working on my tone of speech so that people can understand me so that the AI doesn't pick up me stuttering and then discriminate against my ass and chat ban me.
- [42:38]
Cam Frazier
So anyway, I reconnect with my sexuality.
- [42:42]
Courtney
In a way that this episode all over the place. If you stuck through to this point and I ain't even got to the thing that I came here to do. Thank you, I appreciate you. Because it not everybody wants to Listen to Courtney, and not everyone's able and willing to hear all of what I'm trying to say as I try and process the thing. So thank you for giving me your attention for this, Mom. Ah.
- [43:12]
Cam Frazier
All right.
- [43:13]
Courtney
Skipping all that. Hopefully everything is closed out, full circle.
- [43:17]
Cam Frazier
But today, we honor the life of.
- [43:21]
Courtney
The lowercase C Courtney.
- [43:29]
Cam Frazier
He just wanted to have fun. He just wanted to play. He wanted to make friends. He wanted to always play. If I could compare Courtney to somebody, lowercase Courtney, I don't know who I compare him to, but I know he wanted to play. Like, that's all he wanted. He just wanted freedom. He just wanted to play. He wanted to go outside those three houses to the left, three houses to the right. He wanted to be out past when the street lights were on. He wanted to be able to ride his bike into the other neighborhoods. He wanted to be able to make mistakes and not have the consequences be so detrimental. And in adulthood, he prioritized opportunities to play. He maybe put himself in a handful of dangerous positions. He may have, in his curiosity, discovered his own, like, limitations of freedom, but it never stopped him from pushing those boundaries and pushing those limitations. It's very impulsive. Very impulsive. Like, oh, I like it here. Now that I visited, let's figure out how we. Let's move here.
- [45:18]
Courtney
Let's move here.
- [45:20]
Cam Frazier
And lowercase Courtney kept capital C Courtney busy behind the scenes, just manifesting and making possible all of the cases, scenarios for lowercase Courtney to be able to play, to be able to have fun, to be able to dance, to be able to freestyle rap battle himself in the shower from the Go to the beach and just, like, sit to want to just, like, have conversations with people, talking to strangers. And sex, lowercase lowercase Courtney really enjoys sex. And, like, there's not really much more to put into that.
- [46:11]
Courtney
Like, that's just the case. Like, it's play.
- [46:14]
Cam Frazier
Like, someone wants to play.
- [46:19]
Courtney
And we don't have to, like, I mean, toys are cool, but, like, we don't have to go to the bar and get drinks to be out in public in the space. Like, rent's paid. So we can play here. We can play literally almost anywhere where it's legal or where it's not illegal, I guess.
- [46:38]
Cam Frazier
But that was Courtney's play. Like, getting herpes and thinking, like, no one's gonna want to play with you ever, and then learning that, oh, despite having herpes, people are gonna want to play. And there's these different ways of play, and there's all these, like, things that you get out of play. And that's all Courtney lowercase C wanted to do, was just playing. He was so curious. He didn't give a about being in survival mode. He was love. He's extroverted. What I loved, what I loved about lowercase C Courtney the most is that no matter how many times he fell on the playground, he got up and he played again and continued to play. Some of his playmates outgrew him. He outgrew. And that never stopped him from just playing and finding new people to play with, finding new ways to play. And you know, we call that failure when things don't go the way you want them to go. But Courtney had lowercase Courtney had never, never just given up, never looked at it as failure. Just keep playing. You just keep playing. Oh, you can't play over here anymore. Okay, we'll go over here and play. Oh, this person doesn't want to play with me. Okay, I'm gonna go play over here. And you want to talk about the embodiment of freedom, like to be able to just do that and trust that you're protected. That's what lowercase C Courtney taught me. He taught me to trust, lowercase Courtney taught me to trust. Because how else can you play and play and play and fall and bruise yourself and you know, be hurt by people coming and going and the games changing that you play. Right. That's what I loved about him and that he's extroverted. Lowercase C Courtney is very extroverted. So those are the things that I loved about him. And what he taught me is taught me balance. He taught me balance. He taught me that I don't have to stay in survival mode. I don't have to just do my best to make money. I don't have to work seven jobs like I was teaching medical students to give genital exams, was working as a standardized patient. I was hosting the podcast, doing these trainings with health professionals channels and webinars and doing the conferences and speeches, the, the talks, whatever you want to call them. I'm doing one on one support calls. I was teaching yoga, I'm in yoga therapy training. I was in yoga teacher training, tried to teach yoga classes, tried to put events together, trying to run programs for something positive for positive people and run a whole ass other non profit self to put together symposiums for that and teach yoga through that and try and tap into the, the space of men's emotional wellness. And I took away lowercase Courtney's ability to play for about two years. I have not let Lowercase c, Courtney, play not two years, a year and a half, because I somehow convinced myself that all that work was so much more important. My identity as who I saw myself as in the future. A husband, a father, partner. I convinced myself that that thing way out in the future was so important that Courtney, lowercase c was not important. And I. I just cast him into the shadows. I cast him into the shadow. I cast him back there with my anger. I cast him back there with the intensity of all of my emotions for nobody to see. I don't want people to see that. It's ugly there. It's dark. And in my big four relationships, I was affirmed in that. Courtney, who you are is not good enough. Who you are is not enough. Who you are is. You don't make enough money. You know, my. I don't want to say names.
- [52:25]
Courtney
That relationship.
- [52:27]
Cam Frazier
Courtney, you.
- [52:28]
Courtney
You.
- [52:29]
Cam Frazier
You want too much for yourself. You're too ambitious.
- [52:33]
Courtney
Courtney, I'm jealous of you that you found what you should be doing, want.
- [52:39]
Cam Frazier
To do in life, and I haven't. And now, like, questioning, like, why are.
- [52:50]
Courtney
You the way you are?
- [52:52]
Cam Frazier
All of these things just. They made me push lowercase C, Courtney, into the shadows. And that's something that I learned. Like, my shadows aren't bad. Like, I like sex. Sex is play for me. Sex is healing for me. Sex is fine. Sex is inspiring.
- [53:20]
Courtney
I should be able to have healthy, consensual sexual relationships with people and the kinds of experiences that I want to have as long as, you know, this.
- [53:29]
Cam Frazier
Is talked about and negotiated without me.
- [53:31]
Courtney
Fucking being made to be like a fucking demon for.
- [53:40]
Cam Frazier
You know, I don't.
- [53:41]
Courtney
I don't cheat.
- [53:45]
Cam Frazier
And that's one thing I can say about my lowercase c self is that despite, you know, playing, you get caught up in the game. You get caught up in whatever it is that you're playing, whoever it is that you're playing with, and you're. You're present. So, like, maybe stepping out and communicating certain things or communicating them in the way that they need to be communicated doesn't happen.
- [54:24]
Courtney
All the time.
- [54:26]
Cam Frazier
Maybe the play isn't as safe as it can be because you are so present and in the moment. Or maybe lowercase C, Courtney just never got certain things fast enough. Or maybe lowercase c, Courtney kept getting stopped. Like, hey, don't play like that. Play like this. Okay, so let me unlearn what I learned and learned what I learned. And maybe also there was just a transition period for lowercase Courtney in all of his play that he got pulled out of the present. And maybe harm was caused because of his inability to be present with multiple things at a time. But, man, that little could play, boy. He was playing. He was playing. And he taught me to. To live life present in a way that is present, because it's so hard to be present. There's always something to be done. There's always something going on. There's always somebody who needs Courtney, and they don't. They don't need lowercase equity. They need the other version. But, man, lowercase c, Courtney had friends, lost friends. We get rejected. We still keep it moving. And I thought that I needed to protect him. But as I said, the more freedom I feel, the safer I feel. So I put lowercase c, Courtney and all of his needs and wants and desires into the shadow where nobody could see it. Then I wore a mask. I wore a mask to try and act like lowercase C, Courtney. Because can't nobody just connect with serious Courtney all the time. Capital C, Courtney. I think that as I eulogize the lowercase c Courtney, as I'm sitting there, like, thinking, damn, is this a death? Is this like a death of self? I think I've been going about this and approaching it all wrong. Like, I'm gonna try and finish this and then tie it all together some kind of way.
- [57:55]
Courtney
I don't know what this is about to turn out as.
- [57:58]
Cam Frazier
But what I learned from Courtney is, from lowercase c, Courtney, is the importance of being present. Being present is important. I learned that I value freedom and lower Casey. Courtney didn't externally seek out freedom. He was free. And he found ways of cultivating that freedom within himself and tried to share that with other people. You know, that's a learned behavior, to shut down and not talk to strangers, to push back in your desires or what you want to do or your impulses. That's learned. Courtney Jr. Or Courtney Jr. Wow. Courtney, lowercase c. Never learned how to filter himself. My ego did that. My ego say, oh, you know, people. People may not like this part of you. Or we've got experiences where people have said that you shouldn't be this way. So let's. Let's do something different. We're gonna. We're gonna dial you back. Come over here into this dark corner and exist here. I'll take it from here. The moments that I'm letting go of in relation to lowercase c, Courtney, I'm letting go of this concept of capital C, Courtney. Capital C, Courtney. Put lowercase C Courtney in timeout. Capital C Courtney. Put lowercase C Courtney into hiding. Capital C Courtney. Put lowercase C Courtney, while keeping him safe, like, kept him in these boundaries and limitations and held him to expectations that ain't even his. Regardless of how impulsive I am or have been, things have always worked out. And maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Lowercase C Courtney is me, is divinely protected. And capital C Courtney is just my fucking ego coming in and like dimming the light of myself that does in fact need to shine out into the world. You know, I make. I question shit all the time about, like, can I have a family and do the work that I do? Can I really be with somebody who is going to support me and like, actually, like, help me move forward in all of what I want to do in the world is ridiculous as it sounds. People with herpes want to kill themselves and I have just so happened to look up and be a reason that someone didn't through this herpes. All of the stuff that comes with it, the stigma, all that happens for people inside their worlds. If all I got to do is exist out loud for somebody to not kill themselves, for somebody to deliver a diagnosis in a way that's going to support them in not killing themselves, for somebody who doesn't have herpes. To hear me talk about this in a way that is like, oh, well, I never, I didn't think people were herpes when normal, then so be it. But I'm in my own way. This eulogy is not for lowercase C Courtney. This eulogy is for my ego. My ego as the savior. Like, I test, test.
- [66:59]
Courtney
Okay, My mic died.
- [67:04]
Cam Frazier
I don't know if any of that recorded. Okay, so I, I have a second mic that I'm. I'm using here now. Wow, that is embarrassing. I'm not editing that either because I was in the zone. Y'all actually got me with some tears and shit. But anyway, this is my ego. This is the eulogy of Courtney's ego. Because my capital C self was a personified version of who I thought I needed to be in relationships or in like my like one on one relationships with the person that I'm like trying to make a family with. And I've done that. I'm over four. I'm over four on that. And that ain't working. That shit is not working. I've not been able to just be me, be accepted for who I am and flaws and all. Like, I'm a fuck up. I will. And one thing about me is I don't fuck up twice. I don't or not the same way. Let me. Let me not say I don't up twice, but I don't up the same way twice. I don't do the same thing twice. But there are patterns that have created, you know, new forms of expression in the relationships that I've had. Like, I've seen the patterns. So look, now I'm paranoid. I'm checking this battery. I think we good. So I gotta let go of my. The moments that I need to let go of are me trying so hard to stay when I need to go, me fighting what's happening in my body, me being inconsistent in who I believe myself to be and what, you know, I think I need to do, Trying to be liked by everybody, trying to win people over. I gotta let all this go. And that's ego. It's not like a bad ego kind of thing. It's ego in oh, I'm so good. That's what Dr. Glover said. He said the I'm so good nice guy, and then I'm so bad nice guy. I've been in such the. I'm so bad because of my relationship ending and, like, learning that things that I've done have been, like, completely.
- [69:34]
Courtney
Like, I didn't even know a lot of the things that I've done that were so negatively impactful.
- [69:40]
Cam Frazier
And it's like, well, damn, I was.
- [69:43]
Courtney
In this relationship for as long as I was and I didn't know that these things had such an impact.
- [69:50]
Cam Frazier
Like, I knew that they had an impact and was, all right, cool, let's.
- [69:52]
Courtney
Fix it and move on. But, like, that wasn't what was needed. And my ego of I'm so bad nice guy has been having me linger.
- [70:06]
Cam Frazier
In my badness in from the lens of one person, of somebody that, you.
- [70:14]
Courtney
Know, if I was just being who.
- [70:17]
Cam Frazier
I was, I wouldn't even been with. And that's the reality. Like, my ego turned me into somebody that I don't recognize in response to, you know, just being attached to the big picture outcome and association with this.
- [70:36]
Courtney
Person that's showing me freedom and safety in different ways that of course I'm.
- [70:42]
Cam Frazier
Going to integrate for sure, but also in ways that, like, I. I can't.
- [70:48]
Courtney
Be with nobody who don't like me.
- [70:50]
Cam Frazier
I can't be with nobody who don't.
- [70:51]
Courtney
Like me as I am, who feel.
- [70:53]
Cam Frazier
Like they want to change me. And I can't be with nobody who.
- [70:59]
Courtney
I. I can't even.
- [71:00]
Cam Frazier
I. I've spent so much time just trying to, like, again, ego create what the problem is. So that I can just say that I fixed it. And the reality is that there might not have really been problems. It's just that we're different people. We're different people. And my ego tried to make me somebody different that was more fitting in order for me to be able to be in this space of being that person that I saw myself as. The big C. Courtney, capital C. Courtney, capital C. Courtney was never real lowercase.
- [71:45]
Courtney
C. Courtney is just a label that I put on myself.
- [71:48]
Cam Frazier
But I'm done identifying with shit, man. I am the fucking space between the.
- [71:56]
Courtney
Labels that we want to put on.
- [72:00]
Cam Frazier
Ourselves and each other and shit.
- [72:04]
Courtney
Even that's an identity they have to let go of. But, like, that's why I feel more identified with. Like, there's so much room for play there. That's where nothing is, but everything comes from. Identify with space. That's what I identify with.
- [72:19]
Cam Frazier
If I'm gonna put my identity anywhere.
- [72:21]
Courtney
That'S what is gonna be. Infinite possibility. Obviously, like, shaped from my lived experience. Not infinite possibility. Infinite.
- [72:32]
Cam Frazier
Wow. Oh, I'm tired. How long I've been talking? Let me see. Oh, it is almost time for me to leave. I gotta teach a yoga class. All right. What moment am I letting go of? I am letting go of the moment.
- [72:50]
Courtney
Where when people there. There's a direct point of contact where I am not supposed. Supposed to be, excuse me, there anymore.
- [73:02]
Cam Frazier
Like, I'm letting go of externally seeking freedom and security.
- [73:07]
Courtney
Because that's what I've done in relationships is I'm looking for freedom.
- [73:12]
Cam Frazier
I'm looking for security. Safety, safety and freedom. Safety, freedom, security. You know, kind of same things. I've been looking for those in others and in my relationships.
- [73:24]
Courtney
And the reality is that I've. I'm cultivating those within myself.
- [73:32]
Cam Frazier
And the transition of that really looks.
- [73:36]
Courtney
Like me creating boundaries for myself around time, communication, my energy, emotions, my sex life, and my money.
- [73:46]
Cam Frazier
Did I say money?
- [73:47]
Courtney
I don't know if I said money, but money and my health, of course.
- [73:51]
Cam Frazier
So, yeah, I don't believe that.
- [73:53]
Courtney
I don't want to have boundaries for my person. I don't want to have boundaries, you know, in whatever relationships that I have. And that's real for me. Like, I don't want to have boundaries with a person. I want to have boundaries around things that people can decide if those boundaries align for them and they make their way into my life.
- [74:13]
Cam Frazier
And I've not had to have boundaries.
- [74:15]
Courtney
With the people who are close to me and in my life. So that's.
- [74:21]
Cam Frazier
That's where I stand that's where I'm at, and that's what things look like for me moving forward.
- [74:28]
Courtney
Yeah, I did a good job of being in a relationship by my standards, and that's what I want.
- [74:37]
Cam Frazier
Like, I found that, and I had it.
- [74:41]
Courtney
And, you know, I didn't do a great job with it at parts, and a lot of it just came from expectation setting.
- [74:49]
Cam Frazier
But I did the right things with the wrong person, and, you know, I'm okay with that.
- [74:56]
Courtney
I'm okay with that now.
- [74:58]
Cam Frazier
And I think that over the last.
- [75:00]
Courtney
Week of me being at baseline, I've.
- [75:02]
Cam Frazier
Been able to really accept that this.
- [75:06]
Courtney
Is the first time I think I'm saying it out loud, but, yeah, like.
- [75:09]
Cam Frazier
Even in me just not being in this space or trying to, like, divide myself up. Well, self is for personal, Courtney. Something positive is for, you know, the. The. The advocate, Courtney.
- [75:20]
Courtney
Like, talking about herpes is not vulnerable for me anymore. This is, like, I'm reading you from stuff that I've written down in my notebook. I'm talking about my personal life. I'm talking about my.
- [75:34]
Cam Frazier
The most difficult breakup for me to date. And this breakup is not with my ex. This breakup is with this identity that I created for myself. Like, that is ego is some. Like, I thought ego was just, like.
- [75:52]
Courtney
Bad, and it'd be obvious, but, like.
- [75:54]
Cam Frazier
For ego to have taken on this.
- [75:56]
Courtney
I'm so good role, like, oh, look.
- [75:58]
Cam Frazier
How nice I am. Look how good I am, right? Like, oh, I can do whatever you ask me to do. I can, you know, do not have desires or want to have sex with anybody else except you. And look at me. Look at me. Like, I don't actually want these things.
- [76:11]
Courtney
I don't have needs.
- [76:12]
Cam Frazier
I don't have desire. The reality is I have needs.
- [76:15]
Courtney
I get them met.
- [76:16]
Cam Frazier
And if someone sees those things and is able to support me in those ways and make my life a little easier, which I've had people in my.
- [76:25]
Courtney
Life who have, and I didn't appreciate them, and I was not able to receive, and I've been emotionally unavailable to be able to receive and reciprocate because it. It's always felt like I've not had enough to give back.
- [76:40]
Cam Frazier
And I do. I do. And I've thrown it in the shadows. So, playful Courtney, I welcome you back.
- [76:50]
Courtney
And we gonna do stuff right, we're gonna do stuff wrong. But I am integrating all of that which I have casted into the shadow. I am integrating myself back here so.
- [77:02]
Cam Frazier
That I can play, so that I.
- [77:04]
Courtney
Can smile, so that I can radiate that positive ass energy that people have been drawn to that's created these opportunities and the spaces for me to be able to fucking thrive and not survive. For me to have the safety that comes from me being freely expressive and being free in my thoughts, my opinions, and being able to go into my podcast and share what I'm really feeling without the feeling fear of like saying the wrong thing or something, being misinterpreted and like triggering the out of somebody and that causing issues. I'm not doing that. No. More like I am liberating myself through this eulogy. So I guess this isn't like a death of, you know, my identity of me, but it's a death of my identity created from the expectations of someone else of me and the unset and unspoken expectations that I had on myself that manifested as the ego. So that's it, man. Like, I, I don't know. This is like a. This feels like a killing of the ego more so than like reading the eulogy and seeing it all. But yeah, I thought this was one.
- [78:11]
Cam Frazier
Thing and it turned into something else.
- [78:12]
Courtney
So I'm so grateful for this space to be able to process things like that.
- [78:18]
Cam Frazier
Yeah, I'm letting go of other people's expectations of me.
- [78:21]
Courtney
I'm letting go of my ego and this identity that I created for years out in the future based off of a year and a half of being in a relationship where there were such beautiful and good moments. But I guess, I guess none of them were real. If this person was who I had become, like, that relationship was probably just my ego. And this isn't me, like, in denial. This is me exploring possibilities, right? Like, obviously if I was in a relationship for a year and a half, there were good moments to me that far outweighed any bad moments of things that happen. And so now, like, I gotta just let go.
- [78:59]
Cam Frazier
I gotta let go of that. And yeah, I. I know that this is right. I know that this feels good because.
- [79:06]
Courtney
There'S no shift in my nervous system, right? Like, I went to, like, I went to go and delete our text messages and Apple told me it was 32, 000 texts. I cried. I. I was like, I can't do this.
- [79:19]
Cam Frazier
I can't delete this.
- [79:21]
Courtney
And then when I did it again, like, I. I did it, I let go because that's not. That's not me. And it's very unfortunate that, you know, I feel shitty for not recognizing this and acting on it sooner because I want it soon so bad to just.
- [79:38]
Cam Frazier
I wanted to save Somebody and I got a whole ass job saving people. And also, like, I don't want to.
- [79:44]
Courtney
Be the bad guy being like, hey, I can't save you.
- [79:46]
Cam Frazier
You gotta save yourself.
- [79:50]
Courtney
And I want to feel bad asking for what I need, knowing damn well that my needs are emotional intensity.
- [79:58]
Cam Frazier
So there's. There's a lot there. There's so much. There's so much, y'all, but I gotta get my ass up. Hopefully I didn't just mess the mic up. There we go. But I had to get up and I thank y'all. Thank y'all for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for, you know, helping me be accountable and remain consistent. I'm getting up off my ass. I'm about to go teach this class. Hopefully people pass.
- [80:26]
Courtney
But now it ain't for grade.
- [80:27]
Cam Frazier
I'm just.
- [80:28]
Courtney
See, look, there we go. There we go.
- [80:30]
Cam Frazier
Freestyling Courtney back.
- [80:32]
Courtney
I'm smiling. I cried a lot in this episode.
- [80:35]
Cam Frazier
But, yeah, this is a eulogy for my ego. That's what this is. And I encourage everybody to do this.
- [80:44]
Courtney
Yeah.
- [80:45]
Cam Frazier
Thank y'all for taking the time to listen.
- [80:47]
Courtney
I mean, this concludes this episode of.
- [80:49]
Cam Frazier
Something Positive for positive people.
- [80:51]
Courtney
I asked that if you like this.
- [80:52]
Cam Frazier
Episode, that you leave a comment, some.
- [80:54]
Courtney
Type of review, reach out to me, tell me, because I ain't gonna lie. Like, this really went up and down.
- [81:02]
Cam Frazier
And I was just supposed to read.
- [81:04]
Courtney
Something about my journal, but that's, that's rawness, that's vulnerability, and I guess that's.
- [81:09]
Cam Frazier
Letting know, letting go of expectations. Because this is what I. I chose to do this. And choice is something that I find.
- [81:21]
Courtney
Myself being more and more empowered through and from. And that's.
- [81:26]
Cam Frazier
That's what we doing. Oh, so this case, I need to.
- [81:31]
Courtney
Play around with this case?
- [81:33]
Cam Frazier
Yeah.
- [81:33]
Courtney
If you haven't already, you can donate. I have a webinar coming up for herpes disclosure workshop or it's a webinar, Herpes disclosure webinar where I'll be teaching people how to disclose the herpes status. It's virtual. It's going to be May 23rd, which is the six year anniversary of Something Positive for Positive being a non profit. So Friday night. So you can pre game if you want. You can do whatever before we. Before you go out, if that's what you're going to do.
- [82:00]
Cam Frazier
I am also not hosting the conference anymore.
- [82:04]
Courtney
There's something positive for positive people. Herpes stigma minimization conference. Because I just haven't been in a good place to be able to really plan for it. And yeah, that.
- [82:14]
Cam Frazier
That's it for now, man. Like, thank y'all. Call if you want a one on one support call.
- [82:19]
Courtney
Hit me up.
- [82:20]
Cam Frazier
I'm teaching yoga.
- [82:21]
Courtney
I'm a yoga therapist in training. So if you want to work with me and do this kind of thing.
- [82:26]
Cam Frazier
That I just did.
- [82:27]
Courtney
I left the yoga out of it. But there are yoga concepts that align with this. The yamas and niyamas, the internal and external, like ethics. And the one that I touched on today was not. I don't think it's brahmacharya. Maybe it is brahmachari macharya. But the concept is non attachment. A pari graha apari graha is non attachment. And that was really what this was. It was just me processing it. So if it was somebody else, I'd probably just ask you some questions and, like, led us to what the attachment is so that we can work through the grief in such ways. That's what I'm gonna put up around. I'm gonna put up, like, yoga philosophy so that I can glance at them and remember that's what I'm missing.
- [83:14]
Cam Frazier
All I got to do now, I.
- [83:15]
Courtney
Got a couch in my apartment, y'all. Everything's, like, together. All I need to do is have my dad help me put this wall.
- [83:21]
Cam Frazier
Mount up so I can put a.
- [83:22]
Courtney
TV up, and then I can start watching.
- [83:24]
Cam Frazier
Oh, my God. Where's a plug?
- [83:27]
Courtney
Damn.
- [83:30]
Cam Frazier
If I put a TV on the wall. I don't know that I have a.
- [83:33]
Courtney
Place for a plug outlet because there's a fireplace.
- [83:36]
Cam Frazier
All right, anyway. Anyway.
- [83:37]
Courtney
All right, y'all. Till next time. Thank you.
- [83:40]
Cam Frazier
Thank you so much.
- [83:41]
Courtney
Thank you all for being here.