Courtney Brain (0:01)

Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for as many times as I do this, you would think that I wouldn't stumble over that part. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 non profit organization supporting people who are navigating herpes stigma as well as stigma around identity from ethnic, ethnicity, nationality, the social status, to religion or spiritual views, race, relationship status, relationship styles, career choice. Right. Like, let's just go down the list, man. There are a lot of stigmas that exist, especially at the intersection of identity and, like, people's perceptions of our expressions of said identities. So this evolution that has naturally progressed into something positive, becoming what it is, has really been a place of validating the identities of people through presence. I genuinely believe that what stigma does is it fractures our sense of identity to where we become smaller in a space that we overcompensate our sense of self as a result of stigma. Like, that's really all it is. I often do a meditation with people, especially my yoga therapy clients, which I've not seen. Oh, my God. I've not been good about this. But also I think I have a pretty good excuse for not having been consistent or pursuing yoga therapy clients or even doing a good job maintaining the ones that I got. I had six. I'm down to one. One. Yeah, I gotta check on her as well, but. Well, actually two. One of them. We're supposed to meet every other week, but the last. I ain't gonna lie, y' all last three weeks have been chaotic for me and it's been really challenging for me because I've had to sit still. I'm so used to doing things. I'm so used to knowing what the next move is and just actively just being in a state of motion. And I had a tornado hit my crib, and that really, like, made me have to sit down because I couldn't go home. And not being able to go home, right, Like, I was just bouncing around from different friends homes and shout out to my people, like, really shout out to them for getting me through this. And in those times, like, I don't have my ring light, so I can't, you know, really teach a yoga class. I don't have the space. I got to be a little bit more quiet. I stay with one of my friends who has a small kid. I've not wanted to wake people up. And right now, this is the first time that I've really been by myself outside of, like, waking up first thing in the morning when Everybody sleep. This is the first time I've been by myself since May 16th. And what today, May 31st. Right now it's May 31st. I'm in my Airbnb. I'm in Oakland right now, and I'm staying two nights here. And then I fly out to the STI Engage conference, which is in Phoenix. And then from there I go to the ASEC conference, which is in Las Vegas. But yeah, it's been a challenge for me. It's really been hard. And it's a beautiful lesson to me from what led up to the tornado. And I understand that people have lost people and people have been displaced for far longer than I have and under way less fortunate circumstances than me. So I'm very privileged and blessed to have the people around me that I have. I'm blessed and fortunate to have had renters insurance, because that's something I don't have to worry about. And so now it's a matter of me just taking the lessons that I've learned from my short time home and having my own place. Like, I. I view this as a positive experience for myself. And I say that because I've been able to be present with myself and present with. I've been talking about living like an atom and the atomic living model for a while. And this is something that I'm living for myself in a way that is giving me the practice of being present and validating my own identity. And when I say validating my own identity, what I mean is that my beliefs and my behaviors are, are aligned. And over the course of the last two and a half, three months, I have been forced to be different. I'm very used to, again, just taking actions, doing, and what's next, what's next? And I've been challenged to sit my ass down. And in sitting my ass down, I think what I've really discovered is intentionality. I've discovered boundaries. I've discover what I really value. Because it started out as I value safety and freedom. Now, these are two seemingly contradictory things. But what I've learned is that the more freedom I have, the more safety I have and the more safe I feel in order for it to actually be safe, it makes me feel a lot more free. And over the time that I was at home, what I learned was, oh, you know, I really need home, because home feel feels like safety to me, but it's very much complacency. Like, I love my family, I love my friends. And you know, Carl even told me, he was like, yeah, like, it's it's comfortable here. Right? And that's something that I've sat with for a while, man. And moving to Portland, I was uncomfortable. When I moved to New Jersey, I. I was comfortable. And the only discomfort that I had was trying to forcefully create a sense of safety and comfort for myself, especially when that doesn't align with what my true values are. My true values are that I more so value being challenged. There's. There's not really that that does conflict with safety. Like, challenge is being outside of your comfort zone. It's. It's being in a way that I'm actively looking to be challenged in showing up as who I am. And so I've come to learn that what I value is liberation and challenge. And the challenges fuel the liberation. And the more liberated I become, the more of a challenge it is to exercise that. And it's not been any sort of actions that's given me this. It's been the stillness. And the hardest part about losing my home isn't that I lost things. Things. It's not that I lost my home. It's that I genuinely got this message and was ready to create a consistent routine and stabilization in the city of St. Louis, where I'm from, where my safety needs would have absolutely been met. And then the tornado comes. Unfortunately, I wasn't there. And what that did was it took away. It took things. It blew things away. The TV stayed mounted. There were clothes in the closet untouched. Fortunately, my passport and my birth certificate, my Social Security card and some cash that I had there were all untouched, thankfully. And so my family was able to get those couple of things out of there. And outside of that, like, the memories that I had there, my accent boxes of stuff to the apartment that the building's been condemned. I can't get anything out of there. And it's very. Just poetic to me that this happened and that it happened when it did, because I was able to get the lesson. I was able to integrate the lesson. And here we have this tornado come through, and it's like my sand castle was kicked over. And I wasn't sad at first, but I became sad because of what that home represented to me. It was mine. I created it. I put things in there. I began to decorate it. I bought a floor rug. Like, that's not something I've ever done. And all this time, I've been trying to make partners home to me and make their world stable so that I can experience that through. Through them. And the reality is you can't do that. My buddy aj, he said, you ain't gonna never have a place, feel like home until you feel like you're at home within yourself. And I didn't understand that right away. I thought it just meant, oh, okay, I got to be comfortable with who I am. No, it also means letting go. Letting go of this idea of what home is and aligning what my beliefs are about home with my behaviors. And my beliefs. And my behaviors are honestly that I value being challenged. I value challenge. And like, I'm getting the resonating chills even as I say that. And I value liberation. I value these two things. And the way that I express them is through creativity, curiosity, and connection. And those are the identities that I have. I identify as someone who values connection, identify as someone who values creativity. I identify as someone who is genuinely curious. And that manifests itself in my work, rest and play. And I've been imbalanced between resting and playing because so much of what I've done over the past, let's call it year and a half, two years, has been work. Like, I'll be. I've worked. And there hasn't been any balance. There hasn't been any real self reflection because I was so externally focus on creating home and making a home environment for myself. And then after my relationship ended, bam, Like, I'm. I'm making home here in St. Louis. Like, I ran away. I ran. I ran home. And before moving out there, like, I very distinctively remember making a decision of, I'm moving to New York. And everything fell into place for me to move to New York. And then I let myself not go to New York. I went to New Jersey. That ain't what I was supposed to do. And the more I look at, you know, the way atoms behave, like my being the neutron or conscious choice and awareness that can operate between drifting among electrons or stillness and being in alignment with what my purpose, what my source energy, God, is. The more I do that, the more that I recognize, like, damn, I was really getting away from. But my. My core is my source, my power, my intention. And it wasn't. That's. That's not what it wanted for me. That's not what I was supposed to do. And it feels a little bit shitty because, you know, I. I thought, think maybe I want a family. I don't know. And I felt so close to that. And I guess, like, the power of choice, you know, doesn't quite mean anything if it's not really in alignment with your behaviors and your beliefs, right? Like, I can believe that I'm a 60 year old white man and I can behave like a 10 year old boy and my choice can be to exist, how I present myself and whatever it is that people perceive of me and the misalignment of those things puts off like an inconsistent unstable energy. And that's what I was doing. I didn't know. My beliefs, my behaviors, you know, couldn't really be received because of how inconsistent they were with the inconsistency of beliefs. And for so long like I just was doing shit and figuring it out from there. And I've always believed myself to be the kind of person who can do a thing and figure it out. And I was, I was very much challenged. I was challenged to find out who the I am. And the pressure was on. And fortunately the pressure created the circumstances where, you know, my ex broke up with me. She, she broke up with my ass. And it hurt. I was confused at first, but after having gotten the messages that I've gotten and been able to like live in this way for the last few months, she was right. She had, she was right to break up with my inconsistent ass. I ain't gonna say inconsistent. Inconsistent ain't the word. My, my un. My lack of clarity. Having expectation setting, no boundaries, having ass. I mean, I still don't feel like I really got any boundaries necessarily, but I damn sure more effective collectively know who it, who I am, what's important to me. And I, I share this because what I did and what I went through, especially over these past two and a half months, right, like this set me up for being able to receive fully the lesson that came from me being back home and for me losing my home to the tornado, right? Like I was supposed to go to New York and I didn't. I said I was going to do something and I didn't. And then I just started doing other shit. Drifting away from what it is and I'm here to do and what I've been doing. And the more that I, you know, it only takes like one. So I started drifting by, not doing what I said I was going to do and then starting to do what my interpretations were of what some, someone else wanted me to do. Have a family, right? Like do things differently, make some changes of how I was being. And it was, it wasn't consistent and you know, I thought that I was supposed to want these things and maybe it's just an alignment thing. Like I don't believe in bad timing. I believe in alignment and misalignment. And at any given Point in time, like, we can find ourselves in alignment with something that works for us, or we try and force alignment with something that don't work for either person or for either situation. And so being in New Jersey was. I was. I was halfway in because I still went to New York. I worked, you know, some days at my genital exams job, and I went out there sometimes to social events to try and build an established community. But the reality is, 90% of the time, I was in New Jersey and not New York. And that ain't what God told me, you know, not to, you know, make this a religious thing, but for whatever language you use, you can replace it with purpose, you can replace it with source, universe, whatever. But my highest self, I was in alignment with it until I wasn't in alignment with it. So I'm sitting here right now in this Airbnb staring at this Roku TV screen saver that looked like a haunted house in front of a cartoon version of New York City over the bridge and skyline, which is actually. This is probably the Bay Area now that I'm thinking about it, because I'm in the Bay as I sit here, you know, I'm. I'm making the connections of how everything that's happened up to this point, at least over the last two months has really been like, aligning for me to do what I'm supposed to do. And that what I'm supposed to do very much feels like, courtney, take your ass to New York like you were supposed to do in the first place, and you will figure it out again. St. Louis is a very complacent place. I love my peoples there. I do. And it's a place for me to go and, and charge up through rest. And I gotta stop staying away from home so long. I get homesick, miss that. And then I feel like I need to move back. I think that I. I would love to ideally be able to live in New York somewhere as well as in St. Louis, and just like, fly back and forth as necessary, get my rest, get my work in, and create that work life, balance in that sort of way. I don't know how sustainable that is or could be, but I. I believe I can. I believe I can do that. I believe that maybe that's what I'm supposed to do. I really believe that. And so I. I believe that I'm able to create the community I want, live the life that I want to live, and not even want to live because I, I'm. There's not much that I actually want What I find is that the more that I lean into this being thing, the more like I'm able to experience life at this. Like is. Is. It's really challenging to just explain in a way that isn't conversationally so as I'm sitting here and I'm like trying to. I'm trying to talk through it, I think I'm gonna just like sound crazy or like some cult leader or something. And that ain't what I want to do. I want to demonstrate this. I just want to continue to live it because I. I'm feeling it like I'm witnessing almost like I'm on like a best case scenario autopilot, right? I'm noticing that the world around me is responding differently to the way that I'm moving again. Aligned beliefs and behaviors. And now it's about environment. I need that pressure around me. Like, I think that that was something that I got out of football was this completely competitiveness, this competitiveness that has not been nurtured necessarily in St. Louis, but has. I think I felt it with, you know, walking around New York and making the lights right, weaving through the crowd when you're walking and where you need to go, making sure to speak assertively and loud whenever you ordering your sandwich, having. Ah, like I'm. I'm excited. I'm excited because it feels like clarity. It feels like I have a plan. It feels like things have been just falling into place. I'm waiting to. I'm. I've heard back from someone about a place to live and it's in a good location. It's like it's in Brooklyn and off to the side of a main street. So I'll be able to sleep first off. I'll be able to do my podcast and also be able to take the train, you know, fairly easily as well. So I'm hype. I am hype to finally like, know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't have the pressure of what do I want? Like, I don't, I don't want anything. And I look at the behavior of Adams and like Adams don't want anything, right? They magnetize, they fall into alignment and they gravitate and what's for it falls into orbit. What's for it falls into orbit. Oh, shit, I gotta make that. The title was for It Falls into Orbit. That's it. And I've been choosing to live my life like that. Like if I'm made up of trillions of atoms, like wouldn't the like basic power or ability of one atom just be that times like a trillion or however many trillions of atoms make up what this body, this experience is. And in fact, y' all, I encourage everybody to do this, like, as I start living it enough and documenting it and being able to speak more positively to it, because really all it is is recognizing your role as the attractor of positive, negative. Like, you're the person that holds stable the rhythm between the proton and electrons, right? So your proton just being your intention, your purpose, and you being able to stabilize that and express it through electrons, which is infinite possibility. And then just allowing for the things to orbit that resonate and align with what you are attracting. Well, you're. You're going to attract everything that you consistently are. And, man, I'm seeing it. I. I see it. I manifested a cake pop me, and I was in Houston, and I was with my friend and his girl, and we were at. We're at Starbucks, and I didn't want anything. Like, I didn't want coffee or anything. We just eaten brunch, and we were in the line, we're the only ones there. And he asked me, you want anything? I was like, nah. But I looked at this guy, this cake pop, and he had this strawberry cake pop that was like a strawberry, and I just knew it was like strawberry cake in the middle of it. So I was like, damn, that looked good. I wonder if it's actually strawberry. Just thought it didn't, you know, do anything with it. I walk off the way the Starbucks server passes him and his girl to coffees, and then the lady gives another bag, and in the bag there's two cake pops. It was a strawberry cake pop with the strawberry on it that I wanted. And then it was a chocolate cake pop, which is the one she wanted. So we got outside, I was just like, cheese and big as. And I was like, yo, we manifested cake pops. It was. It's such a little thing, but it's. It's little nudges like that from the higher power you believe in that just says you're on the right track. And I. I have such confidence in that force and that higher power now. And, like, between losing my home that I just created for myself and processing what to me at the time was a very confusing breakup and being able to recognize, like, I don't think I'm supposed to be in St. Louis all. All the time. Let's. Let's say that, like, it's been easy to live there, but that's. I'm not supposed to have an easy life. And one thing that I've learned, too, is while I may not have a home necessarily or be able to set up home base or, like, buy a house, I don't. I don't really ever see myself buying a house now. Like, I just tried that. I had the money saved up, like, for a down payment. And the decision that I made of not moving to New York, you know, that. That kind of ate away at that. And I think that maybe there was a lesson in that. Like, I'm not. That's not what I'm supposed to do. It's not. And I wanted to, y' all. I really wanted to want to do that. And that ain't the case. Your boy is just like, maybe I'm supposed to be a nomad. Maybe I'm supposed to. I don't know. I don't know. But what's beautiful is that I have the safe space and the safety now to not know. And in doing so, I get to figure it out. Y' all get to be here with me and see just how insignificant herpes is in the grand scheme of things, how insignificant stigma is. Stigma is just a teacher. Stigma has been my teacher. And I've been learning. I've been learning from it for years. And with y' all, through y' all, and as y' all come on here and y' all share yalls experiences and stories, and we get deep into these conversations and we go beyond herpes, that is helping heal somebody. I'm going to a conference in Phoenix, Arizona, called STI Engage, which is hosted by the National Coalition of STD Directors. And I'm about to talk about how storytelling literally minimizes the effects of stigma and how it builds community. I wouldn't be able to do this without y' all. I wouldn't be able to do this without y' all stories, without y' all's own ability, without y' all support, without yalls celebration, without y' all challenging me. Like, this is a space of challenge and liberation. I challenge y' all to look at stigma differently. I challenge y' all to have experiences that directly challenge what your beliefs are so that you can align those and begin to move forward from a place of choice. Oh, that's another value. And it's start with a C. Connection. Curiosity, creativity, choice. Huh. I think I just discovered another value. I very. I also value completion. Like, I'm the kind of person who has to see things through, through the end. But, yeah, like, I'll play a game, and I gotta finish playing the game. I watch a show and I gotta watch all this show. Whoa, look at me learning about myself out loud. Ah, I'm in a very positive place. And I think that that has come as a result of how present I've been and how locked in to my present. My, My, my purpose that I've been as well. Because I accept this. I accept this for what it is. I accept my place in this world having, you know, been bouncing around through stigmas, myself, waking up and being like, man, it's got to be a better way than this. And now, like, having the language and the target audience and the practice of being able to share what my testimony is and just exist from there, right? Like, I don't want to go around telling people, hey, you need to. I don't tell. I don't tell people what to do. I do my best to just validate the identities of those who I share space with. And I view that as what my work is like. My, it only feel like work. My healing, like healing ain't supposed to feel like work. Healing is supposed to feel like being. Because I'm representative of the wound that you all experience experienced through stigma. And I'm opening this up and inviting people who've experienced stigma, whether that be as a man who isn't emotionally intelligent or we're looking at masculinity and we're looking at, you know, all right, you straight, but you do. Or like, queer. We're looking at being a nerd or in the anime, or the expectations that you have on yourself as a black man or that society has on you as a black man. Come on, Come, come here. Be here. Like, let's go. Let's, let's do this. Let's bring presence to. Let's bring consciousness, let's bring awareness. Let's bring presence to stigma. Let's get our identities back from this. Let's cultivate a brand, an evolved sense of self, and let's be present to it. Let's just be. Let's just be. Damn, I forgot what I said that the title was going to be Orbit Absorb It. Orbit. Damn, I don't remember what it was. This, this might have a new title, y' all, cuz I done forgot what the damn thing was that I said. But Mondays, 7:30pm Central Time, not this Monday, because I fly into Phoenix, like, after the meeting would start. And so, yeah, please get on the newsletter if you haven't already so you can be up to speed on when. What's happening. We have a support group that's Happening on the third Monday of the month. The Men's Atomic Purpose Group is on the second Monday, 7:30pm and then on the the fourth Monday of each month, I am working to bring in a guest speaker. So these Yalls donations, like, really mean more now than ever because I am about to really. This shit's going to the next level. Donations really help with that. I recognize that I have been doing a lot of things, but the alignment of them has not been in a rhythm since steadily to where it can successfully grow something positive for positive people. Doing virtual events consistently. Perfect idea. And periodically, like, especially in New York. If I'm able to pull this off in New York, y' all, then ain't no reason that we shouldn't have more of a, like, solid community. At minimum, to be able to recognize the power of choice so that we don't need these kinds of spaces. That's my intention. I don't want y' all to need these kinds of spaces, but I want them to be available and accessible to you should you need them. All right now. What else was there? I talked about Mondays. I talked about the conferences. What else? What else? This feels like a good place to conclude if y' all have any questions. Like I said, I'm okay. Like, thank y' all. I appreciate everyone who's reached out, everybody who's checked on me. It really means a lot to me. I keep saying, but that's like the passion speaking. I want to shout out all my friends who let me stay with them, everyone who's, like, just been supportive. Like, I'm having to get mail at people's house. And yeah, like, I. There's a stranger. Like, she's a stranger letting me live in her place because we met. We met twice. Shout out to her, like, ah, I. I can't. I can't thank her enough. One of my board members is letting me house it for her. So I'm. I'm good, y' all. I'm good through especially June, July, August, and then September. I'm looking to be back in New York City, somewhere around there, leaning towards Brooklyn. It's looking like Brooklyn. And I. I can't. Oh, I just can't wait. I just hope that the place. I hope the place is available and that the timing works out all right. I'm feeling myself get too excited. I need to make this newsletter. But yeah, please. This concludes this episode. I want y' all to just stay present, like, rate, review, share, subscribe to the podcast. We got a thousand Spotify followers. Y' all. That's crazy. Crazy and unheard of for me, especially because I never thought that people would subscribe openly to something. Not to say that it's open, but like, you hit the follow button and I don't know if Spotify goes, hey, this person follows this show. But yeah, y' all, thank y' all for rocking with me. I appreciate y' all and I. Damn, I got chills again. I feel like I'm back. I've been kicking the dust off these last few episodes. I. I don't think that I did a good job on those past few episodes, but this feels like legit. And yeah, I appreciate y' all being patient with me through this transition of becoming where I'm at now. In the May at in May of 2026, we're going to have a in person something positive for Positive people conference. And this is going to be in San Antonio, Texas. Shout out to Amber for acquiring space for us. You'll see correspondence going out about that soon. Because I want to do this. I'm going to do it right. And like I said, it's going to be in person and I look forward to whatever it is that is going to turn into y' all. All right, till next time, stay present.