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Courtney Brain
Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people navigating herpes stigma. In addition to that, we also educate health professionals, mental health professionals, public health professionals, physicians, sex educators on herpes stigma and how to support people in that. If you go to the events tab, what you'll see are opportunities to connect with community, whether that be virtually or in person. Check out those dates. We have a few things coming up. The next thing I believe is August 19, which is a virtual panel discussion which I'll be facilitating in collaboration with herpes care Advocacy. I'll be hosting a panel with Dr. Ina Park, Dr. Terry Warren, Dr. Evelyn Molina Dacker, and a patient who I don't know if she wants her name out there. Her name's Hannah. But that'll be the other person that I'll be facilitating this panel for. And we'll be talking about herpes and people are welcome to join that. The first 45ish minutes will be discussion and questions and then the last 15 ish will be for peace people in the audience to be able to ask their questions as well. So I'm looking forward to that. The next thing that we have is, well, actually before that, I'll be in Montreal, Canada, actually, Sunday, Sunday to Wednesday, July 30, I'll be being interviewed or co facilitating a panel. Dr. Ina park and Jolene Hernandez, who is the creator of the no Shame in His Name game film, will be presenting at Montreal's STI World Congress, which is really exciting. I'm looking forward to being able to be a part of that too. I don't know that anyone who's listening to this would go to something like that because the admission fee, the conference registration is high. So if you happen to be in Canada, Montreal specifically, and you are able to get out there like, I look forward to being able to connect with you and meet you there. On September 4th will be a sex down south. That's September 4th through 7th and on the 5th, no, on the 6th I believe is the morning of my herpes hangout. It'll just be an open discussion. I have about two hours to be able to just invite conversation and people to be able to ask questions and engage with one another about the experience of living with herpes and navigating stigma. The last time I put something together, every time that I put something together, we run out of time. People have requested more time. So I'm looking forward to being able to have a Room full of people willing and ready, ready and able to talk about herpes from personal experiences. November 7th through 9th, Indianapolis is the Midwest Love Fest. I'll be there hosting another herpes hangout. It'll be very similar to what's going to be happening in Sex Down South. I am excited, excited to be one of the facilitators at that event too, because the 9th is the day before my birthday. So I look forward to having something to do and look forward to and be in a place that I haven't been in years. I've been to Indianapolis before and I, I enjoyed it. It's a nice little food place too. So yeah, I'm hyped for that as well. I think that's everything that's in the calendar for now. If you haven't already, please consider joining one of the herpes support groups on the website. So right now the men's group meets on the second Monday of every month at 7:30 Eastern Time p.m. and it's called Atomic Purpose. But I'm seeing that the word stigma for as wide and encompassing as it is, doesn't really hold any weight here because everyone's there because they have herpes and that's what's bringing people in. So I'm gonna dial back a little bit and try to get out of the marketing being exclusively on working with people beyond herpes. So I'm a lock in. I'm a lock in and become more condensed and focused on what it is that I produce, which is herpes education content, especially as it relates to some stigma. Being able to answer those questions around dating with herpes, relationships with herpes, sex with herpes, herpes treatments, and being able to utilize a lot of the past survey information that we've gotten and put that into more Planned Parenthoods, more resources that are credible out there. In addition to our ongoing advocacy efforts. The first Monday of every month at 7:30 Eastern Time is another support group. It's just for people with herpes. There's no, it's not men only. This one is all encompassing and both of these are free. Donations are absolutely encouraged. And then for the third and fourth, for the third and fourth Mondays, what I'm wanting to do is something where people have to be vetted and this will be more of a thing where people absolutely have to donate or become members of some sort to be able to access these support groups so that it is something that is more personalized. I'm in the process of revamping the website to go back to being exclusively about herpes. Fortunately, I haven't removed or deleted anything, but I did make a lot of revisions to be more encompassing to stigma and identity. And I don't think that it's been specific enough to draw in the experiences that I want to draw in. Because everyone who comes here has herpes or is looking for herpes related information. Ain't nobody coming here to learn about masculinity, emotional intelligence with men, gender, sexuality. Like, these are things that come up in the conversation, these are things that come up in podcasts, but these aren't what the main focus is. So on a secondary or tertiary level, those topics get addressed. And I think that the intention right now needs to be on focusing on what I do well and what this has been over the years. This started in 2017 because people living with herpes were having suicide ideation and I wanted to explore that and bring my curiosity into a space creatively enough to be able to connect people to some form of community and give them choice in how they navigate their diagnosis and everything that comes after that. So this is what something positive for positive people is. And I. I need to apologize not just to y', all, but to myself for deviating away from that. I want to say over the last two years, over the last two years, I've been very intentional about trying to just let this be what it was. I've tried to find a way out. I've tried to do other things and that's not what I'm supposed to have been doing. And this year alone, over the last seven months, we're in. Yeah, we're towards the end of June lie we're at the end of July, going into August, in a week. And I recognize how much I've been trying to change this and that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. So I'm going to give y' all a full disclaimer. This podcast episode, no matter what I say, I'm gonna post it. I've spent a lot of hours trying to record what I am hoping to be able to say and get across. And it's just been hard. It's been hard because there's been a lot of mixed emotions and there's been a lot of what I thought that I was immune. I thought that I was immune to depression. I'm be real. Like I had an experience with depression. I don't like giving it a name. I don't like giving it any energy. And that's one thing about me is I don't give energy to or entertain things that I don't want to engage with. I do give presence and positivity to the things that are in my sphere that are worth engaging with. I had my breakup with my ex. I had moved back to my hometown. That felt like a complete failure. I had to move into a new place. I moved in with my grandmother. I was there for two days and was like, this ain't gonna work. So I signed a lease before I even had a mattress. Moved into that place, and found out my college roommate had passed away. I don't know if this was intentional or not. And then I found I had my home just stripped away from me by a tornado. Tornado came through and devastated the property. It was. The building was condemned. I got my deposit back. I was out of my lease. I had to deal with fema. I had to deal with the insurance. I had to figure out where I was going to live. And I also, in addition to all of that, like, I haven't made any money this year. I worked a little bit. I did a couple of talks, but a lot of money that came in was already accounted for and paid out. So I paid accountants because last year was the best year that something positive for positive people had ever had. And I needed to report my taxes a little bit differently. And so to avoid being audited, I spent way too much money to get that taken care of. I think what it came out to was about 5. It was about 5 or $6,000, and that's 5 or $6,000 that I wasn't able to pay myself. And so I'm in a deficit, like, completely draining my savings that I had. And any money that I was able to pay myself from last year was spent between moving and then having to get new stuff and then signing that lease and settling into the place that I was in. And then, boom, two months in, a tornado hits. So I worked a little bit, but it wasn't enough to be able to cover everything. And for those who don't know, fortunately, I wasn't at home. I left town for the weekend. Something told me to move my flight up. I had intentions of going out of town like that following Tuesday, but there was a little voice in my head that I reconnected with that so familiar that had. I had such familiarity with. And it told me, courtney, move your flight up. I left at 11am the tornado touched down a little bit after 2pm And I couldn't be more grateful for not having been there because both of the places that I would have been were destroyed. My home was completely destroyed. Kitchen was the safest place to be. But when during the tornado, nobody goes into the fucking kitchen. And that's. We'll just leave it at that. The gym, the windows were shattered out of it. I would have been in the back room. Maybe I would have tried to get to somewhere more safe, but that place itself was pretty protected. And I wasn't able to get into my place and get any of my things. And I think the most devastating part of that is that there were some things there of sentimental value that I wasn't able to get. And the thing that I learned from this is the importance of being able to let go. I lost a lot of stuff in that tornado. And the significance of the quantity of things. The 98, 99% of the things that I lost have no significant value to me. But the 1%, the 2% of what I lost, man, it carried a lot of weight. And one of those things was very significant to me in a sense that it was a tangible reminder of my grandmother, my grandmother who kept my mom from getting an abortion with me. Now I've had a lot more of those pieces of that story put together, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. And that one thing that I had to hold on to, to remind me of her is gone. It's gone. And the interconnectedness of that in my past relationship with my ex girlfriend, like, I think that, that, that, that was. There was a message. There was a message in me losing that. There was a message in me needing to be able to let go of that. And it's, it's ugly. It's fucking ugly. And the process of me finally going back home because I was displaced out of state and I just stayed with friends, I bounced around a little bit. I was in Houston, Texas, San Antonio, Texas. I was in San Jose. I was in Oakland for a few days. Unfortunately, there were a couple of conferences in there that I had to go to in Phoenix as well as Vegas. And then one of my friends, board member, now friends, allowed for me to stay at her place while she was out of town during the month of June. So I had a lot of time to myself. And in that time to myself, something that kept playing in my head was do nothing. Do nothing. And there was such power in that because I had been trying to figure out what happened in my relationship, figure out what was next, figure out what to do with something positive for positive people as I was having these creative blocks. And I was concerned that everything that I post wasn't coming from a place that would. It would communicate what I wanted to communicate. I wasn't getting podcast guests, but. But in addition to that, I wasn't sharing. I wasn't being vulnerable. And even among trying to be vulnerable, something just never really sat well with me. I wasn't myself. I haven't been myself for about six months. I haven't been myself low key. I mean, throughout the course of the relationship that I was in, as it relates to y', all, as it relates to something positive. If you listen to those episodes during those years, like, I was very much speaking to how my relationship was going, how I was looking, and that was my experience. My experience was positive and it was present. Like I was there and I was choosing to be there. And I felt like I could do anything while I was in that relationship. And upon getting out of the relationship, the experiences that I've heard that my ex has shared up until the point where I just cut off listening to it, felt like we had two completely different experiences. And so the part of me that likes being liked went into empathy mode, went into absorbing the things that she was saying and like, contorting my own experiences and regurgitating that to my friends and family in a way that it just never really sat right with my nervous system. It never sat right with who I am in my core because we had unique experiences. And the more that I heard about what she was sharing, because I've been blocked, I don't know directly was being said. I just know what's been shared with me and the way that it's been presented, it wasn't the same. That wasn't what my experience was. And a lot of my transition process, through the grief, through figuring out how to show up where I know I'm supposed to be be was shaped by that. And so I spent a lot of recordings trying to record stuff. I posted things and taken them down. I've been mindful of what I liked and what I've watched and over time is just eating at me. It's really eating at me. And I think today, after having taken three weeks off from anything extra for something positive, I've said no to things. The only things that I've continued to do were things that were already in the calendar. So we had Dr. Evelyn Dacker stars Talk, which was Monday. I still held one of the support groups. I had to cancel another one because travel. And as I was settling into my place, like I moved, you can see the backgrounds changed yet again. But this is this is what I do. I adapt. And there's a balance between adapting and then actually being and becoming who I am. And I think what life has done is it's, it's accumulated a lot of gunk over myself, like this just fucking goop that has calcified. And in that, what happens with relationships, what happens with emotions and experiences, is that metaphorically, like I've learned to, despite my work in identity, right. I talk about how herpes fractures our identity and we become fragmented. We become, you know, not just our identification, our identifiers as culture, skin color, race, income, political views, gender, sexuality. Right? Like that's seven things right there. And there's so many more things that our presence, our identity becomes fragmented and fractured in all these ways that when we go through life, that process of pulling things in and integrating them, it's like the friction, the heat, the pressure, the expectations as we begin to come back and find ourselves into wholeness is the same process that I believe, metaphorically, scars go through. And we're not these identifiers. These are manifestations of being in existence that allow for us to communicate with other stars and expressions of light, our. Our souls. When we think about the nervous system, it's just really that electrical current that runs through the nerves of the body, the nervous system that sends signals that block signals because of emotions, and it expresses itself in the body. These are signals, I believe that the body, the emotions, language, these are manifestations of what we were a long time ago, before time became documented for the sake of being able to get it right, to communicate, to inspire more consciousness, to inspire being. So our nervous systems are constantly communicating and expressing something and the signals that we're sending to one another from across time, time, space, the galaxy. Like, I'm in Brooklyn, New York. It's 12:05pm Eastern Time. By the time the first person hears this, it may be about an hour from now, but people can hear this days, months, years later, down the road. And it can inspire something that resonates. And that's what the communication is capable of across time, space. And so I've learned to get to the core of being able to identify with that, with that, that soul. Like, I am a soul, I am a spirit, I am whatever the fuck stars are made up of. That, that light that we call it, and that energy is something that I've allowed to just get calcified in the material of this world. The experiences, the pain from heartbreak, the pain from loss, the grief, the. The feelings of failure, all of these negative things. These negative things. And the word negativity just means absence. And anything negative. If we look at it from an atomic structure, negative negative particles, or light of light are electrons and they have a negative charge. And what happens is they're constantly in motion and they are attracted to and drawn to a positive charge. And our identification with whatever that positive charge, the proton, positive just means presence. So absence is seeking presence. And that infinite potential and positive energy when combined are what shapes our reality. And I've been living like this and trying to formulate the language to be able to communicate it to people. And I really believe that, you know, if I were to have like a higher sense of purpose outside of supporting people, navigating herpes stigma, that might be it. Because what it is, is for me to just chip away and chisel off that, that calcified shit around me that is dimming the light that welcomes and draws in people who may be fragmented themselves and over identified with the version of them that is trapped in herpes stigma. And maybe it's through that and collecting, connecting with y' all at this level, through just my constant holding of rhythm and just producing the content that people find and they find themselves in the orbit of Courtney and something positive for positive people. The workshops, the advocacy, the social media posts, like, the more that I pour my presence into these unique expressions of being able to be witnessed, I think that what happens is that's where that healing continues to take place. And for so long I've worried about not being liked. And I think that that's probably been the biggest lesson out of all of this, is because I, I can't control narratives. I can't control how people see me. But what I can't control is what I can't control. And that's what I, that's how I show up. It's identifying with my. The soul that I am and leading with that. I genuinely believe when you lead with the spirit and the needs of the spirit, the body takes care of itself. And if the body takes care of itself, everything surrounding the body begins to conform and adapt to your certainty about yourself, your self certainty. And I got more self certainty now than I ever have before I had it. And I thought that I was supposed to do something else because of my external circumstances. You know, I was hell bent on choosing and, and being empowered by choice to step away from my very life force, my very life source, what my purpose is, what my proton is like. I look at atoms and we are trillions and trillions of atoms made up of the energy, the vitality of the nervous system, electrical current, the bones, the blood, the fluids that run through us, the skin, the muscle, everything. So why wouldn't we exist in such a way that on a microscopic level we exist? And since doing this, I've drawn in people, experiences, things that have infinite potential. And it's really about the level of presence that you pour into the thing. So when I say do nothing, it's more so not being responsive or reactive to things that draw you away from what your center is. And I've learned that my center is to be a living presence in this negative space of herpes stigma and becoming more of someone who's able to take that, that the energy, the infinite, seemingly infinite vitality that comes from me as conscious awareness, as a neutron that has choice of engagement with my infinite energy source to bring presence and aligned engagement to the negativity that surrounds me. So I'm in this space of herpes stigma, and my role is to pump out presence into this space, to give presence to those who maybe are fragmented into that negative state of mind where, oh, you know, I'm only going to go downhill. My energy is negative because I have herpes, and this is what my life is going to look like. I'm supposed to be someone that exemplifies that something different, something positive for positive people. I didn't know what the fuck this name meant when I came up with it. I just thought it made sense. Oh, I'm just doing something positive for people who are positive. Something positive for positive people just sounded better than that. And so I'm. I'm here and I ain't going nowhere again. You know, I was depressed. I'll use that. It's because I got away from what I know I was supposed to be doing. I got away from being the person that I worked so hard to become. And I'll be damned if I ever let that happen again. I don't make the same mistake twice. And I. It might look different, it might come in a different skin suit, it might come with different consequences. It may have a different accent. But that's one thing about me, is that I don't make the same mistakes twice. And I allow for myself to do that. I was so ready to do what I wanted to do. And when doing what I wanted to do, I think that that just created a whole nother, fragmented sense of self, of Courtney as something, something else, something. A version of me that was not in my purpose, A version of me that went off to try and generate New purpose. Not to say that that is impossible. Know when you make the decision and you do the things like there's a formula for everything. There's a road map that's been blocked off for everything except accept what you are here on this planet to be doing. And I'll never forget, it was in October 2022. It was this older black woman around Halloween. I was dressed as Garnet. I think I was Garnet from Steven Universe. And she was like a witch. She had a little veil on. And we were talking at the bar for a little bit. She asked me, you know, what do you, what do you do? Why are you still here? I told her. I was like, I moved to Portland to get a ten thousand dollar grant. I got this grant to run my non profit. She's like, okay, well what's next? I was like, what you mean? She's like, well, why are you still here? I was like, damn, I think I said that too. I was like, damn, I never thought about that. And so I went to leave. I was ready to catch this bus and, and go. She like disappeared for a minute and my bus just didn't come. So I'm sitting down, waiting on the next bus. She comes out of the bathroom, she sits down next to me. And I remember she looking dead in my eyes, eyes like into my soul, saw my soul. She put her hand on my shoulder. She said, your path is not an easy one. In fact, I don't even think you can call it a path at all. But I share the load with you. She took her hand off my shoulder, she got up and walked to the bathroom. I never saw that woman again. But her presence, her words, they resonated and it stuck with me. I couldn't tell you what I had for dinner 13 days ago. But I can tell you what this woman said to me two and a half years ago on Halloween. I can probably point her out if I saw her again. And that kind of impression that she made on me, that, that, that's something that I forgot until I needed to come back to it. Like, this ain't no path. I'm not going to get it right all the time. I'm gonna do things wrong, I'm gonna fall out of sync. But I do know that there are certain things that keep me grounded, that keep me in place, that keep me being able to sustain and maintain this space, my presence. And it's sometimes do nothing. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to do what I wanted to do, do. But the reality Was I needed to do nothing. And in doing nothing, that's where I was able to hear that voice tell me, courtney, you need to leave. In. In March. March. I think it was March 9th when I left from New Jersey, moved out of my ex girlfriend's place. A voice told me, courtney, you need to leave. That same voice told me on March 11, or whatever day it was, that I changed my flight, I canceled plans that I had, like, courtney, move your flight up for me to get out of there. And I don't think there was no voice. Like, you can't really describe what that is. That was alignment. The more we practice, you know, making the decisions that are aligned with our beliefs and our behaviors, and my beliefs and behaviors were very unclear. They were unclear prior to my breakup. And I think that the breakup itself isn't what caused what. The equivalent of stars using our sun, for example, the sun experiences what's happening in that star is that there's a lot of friction. There's pressure, there's heat. There's a lot of stuff that's happening in there that is producing helium, helium 1234. And I don't know exactly what else there is, but I know that that's one of the things that's being created by the sun. If the sun were ever to, oh, you know, Courtney's a little bit cold, let me get a little bit closer to him, that would fuck up the entire solar system orbit. And that's the equivalent of what I did. You know, I fucked up my whole solar system orbit and the way that things were falling into place for me, the gravity that I had sustained for so long, where something positive was starting to get profitable, where people were getting more supported, where surveys were coming in left and right, where opportunities were presenting themselves. Myself, I did what I wanted to do. And I don't give a how this sounds. I don't care how arrogant it sounds. But I think that if everyone were to model themselves as a star, as the sun, you know, you show up and you produce what you're supposed to produce. You be and become what you're supposed to become. This isn't selfish. The sun has the gravity of nine planets and the asteroid belts and moons. And like, we get light, we get life, we get warm. These are not the primary focus, right? Like, these incredible things for me aren't what the sun's focus is. And it's the same thing here. The becoming the being is just, for me, like, looking to expand my own consciousness. How deep can I go? How far can I Expand just through depth, through that quality of stillness, and maintaining my own rhythm of doing what I know I'm supposed to be fucking doing. And in turn, someone may hear a quote that resonates with them. Maybe you go off and you start your own podcast. Maybe you decide what advocacy looks like for you. Maybe you disclose to that partner using the stars framework that you heard about on here, and that partner becomes a marriage and becomes a family, and you have children together and you create new life. And that new life later on becomes someone that wins a Nobel Peace Prize and changes the world. But I can't be like, oh, those people, they belong together. Let me. Let me try and make this happen. Because in trying to make anything happen, I fuck up everything else that's not happening that I'm not giving my presence and attention to. So I have to be present to what my purpose is. The story of Adam and Eve is a great example because Adam's job was to tend to the garden. If Adam tended to the garden, you know, we got vegetation, you see the animals and the. The garden spreads and more people. Animals think, well, no people, but more animals come. Different types of flowers can come. And maybe that's what Adam was. Maybe Adam was the sun shining and doing what he was supposed to do. And then he caught a clips of Eve and then just was like, oh, let me, let me, let me go over here. Nah, I can't let myself get sidetracked and distracted anymore. And I'm looking at that, like, even as I said out loud, man, like, I recognize where. I recognize where I went wrong. And boom, depression. And let me tell y' all what depression feels like because I, I didn't know it until I. I came out of the other side of it. For the last three weeks, that break that I was on from work, I prioritized rest and play. And now I have a great idea of what that balance looks like. And it's a trifecta of work, play, rest. So I immersed myself into play, and I immersed myself into rest. And now it's time to get back to work. But in a way that is going to be a lot more balanced. So with the balance of work, play, and rest now, like, over these last three weeks, I've been able to see that stagnant. Stagnant is something that causes depression for me. Because there was no motion. I wasn't able to do anything. I was still hyper focused on how can I do the bare minimum? How can I do something? But then when I got. It was July 2nd, when I got to my place and I saw that I wasn't going to be able to get that thing that reminded me of my grandmother because. Because the apartment was destroyed. On top of finding out that my great grandma, who's my grandmother's mother, was in the hospital, I just broke down. I broke down, y'. All. And that was what made me just post. I ain't gonna put my face in it. I didn't want to make a video. I just wrote in my notes, taking a break. Everything that's in the calendar is still happening. Thank you for your patience because also around that I was still trying to maintain what I was doing for the last eight years at a time where I was not fucking okay, I was fucking up. In my workshops that I was presenting. You know, people asked me for something and I gave them something else. I needed to do reschedules because I was bouncing around and I was on the phone too long with someone that I needed to call to get bills canceled and share. Hey, my place was hit by a tornado. Hey, my place was hit by a tornado. Like saying that shit, I was, I. I was checked out. Like, I had to just do what was necessary and the bare minimum of things. And I recognized, like, that's what that was. And even now, like, as I'm saying this, I think about when I tried to record Self podcast episodes. So for those who don't know, I've had another podcast called Self. And that's really just been my out loud self reflective journal. And I've separated myself into that because I didn't think that it was something that belonged here. And turns out the way that I'm talking right now, that's something that I would normally have put on that podcast. But I don't need to continue to fragment myself. I changed my Instagram handle to Courtney Brain, my first and last name. I changed my TikTok handle to Courtney Brain with an underscore at the end. Because I don't want to fucking hide anymore. I don't want to fragment myself. I have a lot of identifiers that have manifest as vehicles of expression and communication through this body, through this plane of existence that I operate on. But my nervous system's mission is the same. My soul's mission is the same. To utilize that nervous system as a guide, as a way of understanding. And the more still I am, the less I do, the more I can pick up on the signals of what direction to go. And it's that caliber of presence that I'm bringing to something positive for Positive people, as I integrate these aspects of myself into alignment with what my spirit is. And I think that that's what people mean when they say, get a relationship with God. My beliefs are to be challenged, to be liberated. And in doing so for myself, I think that what that does is it inherently liberates and challenges others as well. That's what I believe. These are my values. This was something that my ex challenged me on. She's like, what are your values? Like, what do you care about? What do you want? And I don't want anything. All this is temporary. I enjoy. I like the things that come into my life as a result of me being who I am, as a result of being able to be seen and experienced and okay, just as I am. You know, some people may appreciate me for my body, Some people may appreciate me sexually or for what I do for them, or for words that I say, but all of these are just expressions of the soul that this body and shit is going to expire. And I think that the more that I hold rhythm and hold true to what it is that I'm here to do, the more of the imprint that happens on the collective consciousness. Like, when I die, whatever rhythm that I held in that moment is what stays. And as the blueprint of consciousness and my soul goes on to whatever, and the more rhythm that holds. I. I got some. Like, I probably shouldn't talk about this part yet, but the atomic language using atoms and like I am right now, this is something that I am working on defining. I got a glossary and everything. And I'm excited about it. I'm excited to be able to share it, but not. Not before it's ready. It's cooking up. But I do believe, you know, that these bodies and everything, like, it's temporary. You know, the more that we hold true to who we are and become who we're supposed to be and inspire that in others, the more we project and progress consciousness forward collectively so that more uniqueness, more beauty, more creativity can manifest itself through what we call God, what is also known as the quantum realm. And so I. This has really been a detachment exercise for me, detaching from all of these identities and labels and physicalities of things, to do things that nurture my spirit, to have conversations, to use language, to experience touch, and to experience intimacy in a way that nurtures what my soul's desires are like. My soul. Soul as I am the soul having those desires. And it's not about what Courtney wants. It's not. And I. I wanted to Have a family. Like, I really saw that for myself. I saw Courtney Jr. You know, I saw all these things. And not to say that that still can't happen, you know, whoever that ends up happening with, but I recognize that that's not supposed to be where my presence is right now. And the more that I sit back, the more I do nothing, the more clearly I can see where my presence is required and what to engage with. I've been drawn to New York since 2023, when I came to visit and I was living in Portland, Oregon at the time. I went back to Portland and I looked around and I was just sad. My nervous system was communicating something to me that I couldn't ignore. And that same thing that was being communicated to me when I went back to Portland is the same thing that happened when I moved to St. Louis and I was forcefully trying to maintain my upright posture when what was happening is the environment that I was in was bringing me into a fetal position. Soon as I got to Brooklyn, as soon as I got here to New York, my shit just opened up naturally. There was no resistance. And these are the kinds of things that I hope to be able to teach through my existence, my being, my. For people to be able to open up and be able to listen to what their own nervous system is saying. To be able to. Not necessarily have to regulate, but to recognize, to remember, recall. Like, here's where I need to be to remember that. Like, remember that we are whatever stars are made of those particles of light. Protons, electrons, neutrons. And to live our lives in such a way that aligns with what we know we're here to do, what we know we're here to be what garden we're supposed to tend to so that we can, with our own light, begin to inspire that light in other people. So that we just shine a whole ass universe of universes in a reality that is progressing toward more of that. More light, less darkness. Because there's a lot of darkness right now. And all that does is. It's just calcifies over creativity, over curiosity, over community, over choice, over consistency, over connection. And I see myself as somebody who's breaking free of that. Who's broken free of that now. Like, again, like, my greatest calcification has been given a. About what other people think is me and wanting to be like, I don't give a Now, the. The greatest thing to come out of this, the friction and tension and the pressure that's come from me trying to process all of this that's been happening over the last six months, I'm letting that go. It shaped me. It shaped my. The. The soul that I am. And I feel different. I'm not the same person. I haven't gone back to who I was prior to my breakup or who I was prior to my relationship. Like, this is something new. Maybe something that predates, you know, even my birth. Like, my grandmother saw something in me. My. My dad's mom, who fought for me to be here. She saw something in me that ain't nobody else here. And I spent my entire existence trying to prove to the world that I deserve to be here because the immediate people around my conception didn't think I did. And now I'm here and I'm shining an undeniable light despite the challenges that have come, despite the obstacles. And I ain't letting nobody down that shit no more. You shouldn't even. You shouldn't let herpes stigma. Like, this is bigger than herpes. There's so much going on out here in the world. You open your phone to social media, you'll go from seeing a food pic, inspirational quote, a bomb being dropped on kids, some titties, somebody's only fans, or Venmo, to a cat video. And we over here worried about herpes. Notice I didn't even speak about my herpes diagnosis in this. I talked about my work with other people living with herpes. I talked about the importance of me being able to produce and maintain this space so that it is something that does continue to inspire life. But I can't do that if I'm not sharing my own experiences as well. And I recognize that, like, I hold this space and I've hidden behind other people's willingness to share their own experiences. And that's not. That's not enough. I've done that for eight years with minimal. You know, I've shared a little bit about my own personal experiences, you know, cautiously being mindful not to include partners, names or anything like that. Except for when I was in, you know, the relationship that I thought was going to be it, that was it. It was supposed to be it, but it. It's not. I mean, that's not it. And it's taken me a really long time to get comfortable with talking about that. And I'm glad I waited because I don't know that I would have been able to speak to it with such certainty. I don't 100 understand or know why she broke up with me, but she did. And that's what I gotta go with. Like, I gotta just Close that door. And no, closure is closure. It doesn't make sense to me. From the last conversation that we had, which I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember what that was. But I think about, you know what, the last conversation I had with her dad, he told me said, you know, best thing you can do is leave her alone, don't talk to her. Said that. And despite how much that. That pains me to have things that are unsaid, to have been able to process things, to want to, you know, say, hey, look like you. You were right about these things. Like, I want to show you. And also to be like, yo, quit talking. But the best thing I can do is do nothing and be. Be me. Be that which I'm becoming so that I can inspire that in other people as well. So this is sort of my. My declaration of that felt like it was about to come out so. So smooth, whatever it was, but I ain't got it. I don't know what it'll be. But my declaration of remembrance. Oh, podcast title, declaration of remembrance. And I hope that this serves as a reminder of y', all, as a reminder to y' all to like, who were you before your herpes diagnosis? Who are you becoming before your herpes diagnosis? What. What hobbies? Like, I think that I support recorded someone and saving their life because I asked this question, you know, hey, I noticed that you played guitar. Like, when's the last time you played? He's like, oh, man, it's been a while. It's like, oh, you're pretty good at it. Like, what. What happens when you play? Like, what do you feel? And this was someone who was talking about ending his life. He started playing his guitar again, right? So maybe that's his purse. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing. Hopefully he's still playing his guitar. So somewhere. And sometimes I need the reminder that I need to play my guitar. I need to. I don't have a guitar. Like, I don't mean that literally. What I mean is figuratively producing this podcast, taking care of the something positive for positive people, behind the scenes stuff, supporting people, scheduling these support calls, knowing my advocacy, hosting these workshops and stand in alignment and being able to say no to things that are not what I know I'm supposed to be fucking doing. I was my most magnetic, gravitational, and attractive when I was doing my fucking shit. And then I started to deviate from that. And I remember the times where these are very noticeable experiences I had where I Started to deviate. No mas. No mas. Won't happen again. Like I said, I don't make the same mistake twice. So this is my declaration of remembrance and being able to remind myself and see the world around me beginning to fall into orbit. Like, fall into its own orientation to me, rather than me orienting to it. And ain't no more me as the sun, metaphorically being like, oh, my God, you know, Jonathan, he's cold. He's gonna freeze to death. Let me get a little bit closer and shine my heat on him. Oh, the rest of the planets fell off orbit. Let me get back in place. Nah, I'm gonna stay my ass right where I'm at, and I'm going to be who it is that I need to be. And in the spaces that I. I enter, like, maintain and hold that rhythm, remind myself who I am, remind myself what it is, and I'm here for what I do and keep that balance between work, playing, rest. So this is, again, my declaration of remembrance. This is my accountability episode. Like, I want to continue to maintain that rhythm in this space and give y' all something to constantly look forward to when you come here. And for y' all to just be clear on what it is. Like, I have such clarity now around not just what it is that I'm doing, but also who I am as a whole. And what's fascinating to me is I haven't had to change anything. I just had to accept some things that I was looking for acceptance from other people for. And you ain't gonna always get that, and that's okay. All right, so till next time, y' all stay, present something positive for positive people. It's a nonprofit, the podcast. If you can leave a comment, if you can leave a rating and a review, that helps so that I don't have to have these moments where I'm like, oh, you know, maybe people are tired of me talking about herpes. I should do something different so I can stop doing that. If y' all decide that you want to get involved some kind of way, we can always use money. I can always use money to be able to pour more into this. It would be really lovely to have a podcast recording studio. So I'm not using zoom and got this blurry ass picture, and I could be able to make graphics. And when I have guests that want to be on camera, we can have them on and just have more engagement and expand this community a little bit more. I don't know how far away we are from that, but I'm working I'm doing what I can. I'm doing what I know, and I'm making it work. So thank y', all. Until next time. I already said till next time. I should have said. I shouldn't say this, right? But, yeah, just last thing, too, man. I mentioned the depression thing, and I wanted to say I'm good. I'm good. I think this morning was when I was able to just name it and say that was depression. And I want to shout out the Jordan Harbinger show, his most recent interview with Charlamagne, the guy. Charlamagne has been talking a lot about mental health, especially in the black community. And I think it was that episode where some things clicked for me when he was able to say he was depressed even though he was getting that unemployment. He was on that last month of unemployment before his big break came. And that's what it kind of feels like for me. Fucking tornado came and took my home and left me with a decent insurance check for me to be able to get my ass here and get this new desk and to be able to bring things from people around me and utilize my support system for giving me places to stay, for giving me clothing, for giving me food, for feeding me, for sheltering me, man. Like, I. I cannot have more gratitude than what I have right now. And it's all been here the whole time. And I had been seeking it so hard from a place that wasn't capable of giving me that which I already have had around me. And I wasn't able to express gratitude because so much of my focus was on making a person, making a place, making a space, making a thing, my everything. And that has an intense amount of attachment to it. And I'm not an attached person. I've done a lot of work on myself through yoga, through relationships, through my career, through my passions to come. Become the kind of person who is able to live in truth, in reality, and can't nobody. Can't nobody tell me that my truth ain't my truth no more. All right? And I hope that that's the same case for y' all as well. Don't let nobody deviate you from your truth unless you were presented with factual information that warrants the change. Okay, I think that was the last thing I meant to say. Am I sure? Yeah.