SPFPP 379: Dating with Herpes - Should you Only Date People with the Same Type?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Something Positive for Positive People – SPFPP 379: Dating with Herpes - Should You Only Date People with the Same Type?

Release Date: July 31, 2025

Introduction

In episode 379 of Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP), host Courtney Brame engages in a heartfelt and insightful conversation with Javan, a guest navigating the complexities of dating while managing a herpes diagnosis. The episode delves deep into themes of stigma, intimacy, emotional wellness, and personal growth, offering listeners a nuanced perspective on living positively with herpes.

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1. Guest Introduction and Background

Courtney Brame welcomes Javan, who shares his recent diagnosis with herpes and his initial struggle to understand and cope with it. Javan's candidness sets the tone for an open dialogue about the challenges and triumphs associated with living with herpes.

Notable Quote:

"I didn't think that people who had herpes were dirty or anything like that. I just thought, well, they've had some bad luck." – Javan [02:27]

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2. Javan's Herpes Diagnosis and Initial Reactions

Javan recounts being diagnosed three months prior and his subsequent efforts to educate himself about the virus. Despite spending countless hours researching, he grapples with fears of unknowingly transmitting the virus during asymptomatic shedding phases.

Notable Quote:

"I have a fear, which perhaps is irrational, of passing it on unknowingly during my potential... asymptomatic shedding phases, which I will never know about because that's how it goes." – Javan [02:43]

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3. Impact on Intimacy and Sexuality

Javan identifies as an extremely sexual person, expressing how his diagnosis has led him to deprive himself of penetrative and oral sex. This self-imposed restraint stems from a desire to understand his body better and to prevent transmission, highlighting the internal conflict between his sexual identity and health concerns.

Notable Quote:

"I have always loved being intimate. And I would say I'm an extremely sexual person. It's just that it's made me a little uncomfortable right now with myself." – Javan [05:39]

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4. Dating with Herpes and Safety Concerns

The conversation shifts to Javan's approach to dating post-diagnosis. He emphasizes the importance of shared herpes types for potential partners, aiming to minimize transmission risks. Javan discusses his experiences on dating platforms like Tinder and Bumble, noting a cultural difference in attitudes towards sexual health in Europe compared to the Caribbean.

Notable Quote:

"I've never done that before... with the older one, we did not talk about it." – Javan [22:37]

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5. Mental Health and Relationship Challenges

Javan opens up about his previous long-term relationship, revealing how his partner's declining libido and anxiety led to emotional repression and depression. The breakup, while painful, ultimately provided him with relief and the impetus to reevaluate his approach to relationships and intimacy.

Notable Quote:

"After getting rejected several times, I stopped trying because it made me feel terrible." – Javan [16:14]

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6. Herpes Stigma and Community Support

Courtney and Javan discuss the stigma surrounding herpes and the vital role of community support in overcoming feelings of shame and isolation. Javan shares how support groups and friends have been instrumental in his journey towards acceptance and emotional healing.

Notable Quote:

"People who've had the virus for a long time, they've been willing to talk me through the first few weeks when I was a mess." – Javan [30:59]

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7. Treatment and Management

Javan details his experience with antiviral treatments, highlighting the limitations he faces in Europe, where suppressive therapy is not readily accessible without a written prescription. His proactive approach to managing flare-ups demonstrates resilience and adaptability in handling his condition.

Notable Quote:

"I went to the doctor the next day. She prescribed me for 10 days and it went away quite quickly." – Javan [26:22]

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Conclusion and Takeaways

The episode concludes with reflections on personal growth, resilience, and the ongoing journey towards living a fulfilling life with herpes. Courtney emphasizes the importance of self-care and community support, urging listeners to engage with the podcast's resources and support systems.

Notable Quote:

"I wish I could have told myself it's definitely gonna get better. And even if you do have another flare up, it's not gonna be anything like the first." – Javan [34:16]

Final Thoughts

SPFPP 379 offers a compassionate and comprehensive exploration of the realities of dating with herpes. Through Javan's narrative, listeners gain valuable insights into managing stigma, fostering healthy relationships, and maintaining emotional well-being. Courtney Brame's empathetic hosting ensures that the conversation remains both supportive and empowering, embodying the podcast's mission to guide individuals back to wholeness.

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Additional Resources

For more information on upcoming events, support groups, and to stay connected with Something Positive for Positive People, visit SPFPP.org and subscribe to the newsletter for updates and opportunities to engage with the community.

Transcript

[Courtney Brain]

That was loud. It's always so loud. Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a non profit organization that supports people navigating herpes stigma. July 21st we have our stars talk with Dr. Evelyn Decker. This is going to be virtual at 8:30pm Eastern time. We got about 20 people registered. This is not a free event. It's calling for like at least a little donation of some sort so you can get access to it. But it'll be great. And it's a wonderful tool for navigating relationships, dating and disclosure. If you're somebody who needs that, even if you're in a relationship, it's good for you to be able to take that and utilize it for check in purposes with partners and just reevaluate what your desires are in a relationship. I think that over time we grow, evolve, change and become different versions of ourselves that sometimes we can feel invalidated if the other person is not noticing that or able to support that as well. So it's a really good tool for conscious relationships. All right. But today I have a guest with me. Today I'm. I'm picking the dust off. I haven't been doing these interviews as consistently as I normally do. And when we were talking earlier, what made me want to do this was as you were speaking about like, not, I don't want to use the wrong language, but what you were talking about was avoiding intimacy in a way or just not being intimate right now. And I recognize a pattern. We had our men's group last night and we had someone come in and he was talking about avoiding intimacy as well. And he spoke very logically about his diagnosis that he'd only date someone who also had his type of herpes. And that was often what he would lead with. And what I was learning in that conversation is just how difficult it is to connect when everything is so like systematic. Yes. No black and white of his case. Do you have my type of herpes? If no, we're done. And then your case you just said I'm avoiding intimacy right now because.

[Javan]

Yeah, I can elaborate. I'm literally about three months in. I still don't know what type I have. A lot of people say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. When I tested, it was too early, so I'll test again eventually. It's just that I suppose it's a me thing more than anything else. This was something I never thought I would get and then I did. And it was a lot to take In. And I started trying to educate myself because I only knew the basics. I didn't think that people who had herpes were dirty or anything like that. I just thought, well, they've had some bad luck. However, though I have read, I would say I have spent hours and hours reading, I have a fear, which perhaps is irrational, of passing it on unknowingly during my potential. Not potential, during my asymptomatic shedding phases, which I will never know about because that's how it goes. And since it's so recent, my reason for staying away from intimacy and what intimacy will lead to, which is sexual, because I'm a sexual person. Was. Would like to be. Yeah. That's basically it right now. I'm just. I would like to settle for about at least six months to see how everything goes with my body. I mean, like, how often it might pop up and what my triggers are, because I still don't know.

[Courtney Brain]

And with getting a herpes, Let me ask you this. Where are you located?

[Javan]

In Spain.

[Courtney Brain]

All right. And is this where. Well, you said three months. Have you been there the whole time?

[Javan]

I've been here for 10 years. Yeah.

[Courtney Brain]

From where?

[Javan]

From Trinidad and Tobago.

[Courtney Brain]

Where is that at? I'm not.

[Javan]

It's in the Caribbean. It's two islands, one little country right above Venezuela. Or if you're starting at the top of the archipelago, we are the last two islands in the Caribbean archipelago.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay. I was trying to figure out the accent. I could not figure.

[Javan]

My accent right now is not my authentic accent. I'm not gonna lie. Because when I'm speaking to people who are not from the Caribbean, my accent automatically changes. Plus, I'm a teacher, so I guess this is my teaching voice.

[Courtney Brain]

I got you.

[Javan]

Yeah.

[Courtney Brain]

All right. Now, I'm the kind of person who thinks that herpes has given me a lot. It's given me a sense of purpose. It's given me confidence, it's given me bravery. It's given me community. It's given me. Given an outlet for expressing parts of myself that historically maybe have not had outlets like creativity, curiosity, community, even. And I feel like I've gotten so much out of this, and I'm hearing you say that you're depriving yourself of intimacy, and it feels like herpes has taken something that you carry a lot of or that holds a lot of weight for you. Can you speak about that?

[Javan]

Yes. I would say that you are probably right, because I have always loved being intimate. And I would say I'm an extremely sexual person. It's Just that it's made me a little uncomfortable right now with myself. I would say you are right. I am now much more careful with myself, you know, in terms of stress, unless it's something I can't control. I've started taking care of my diet better. My life is healthier. And every day I think about it and I say, hey, technically this has been a good thing because I'm healthier than I was before. So in terms of that, I look at the positive side. I would say I'm just scared regarding sex at the moment. I'm still scared to venture into that because I don't understand my new body. I'm not going to say my afflicted body or anything. I don't understand my new body yet. And I would like to understand myself first before I go in any direction, whether intimate or sexual. That's my current take on it.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay, I have two questions and I want to make sure to get answers for both. You didn't just say you're a sexual person. I hear people say I'm a very sexual person. But you said I'm an extreme, extremely sexual person. What does that mean for you?

[Javan]

I love sex.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay, now. Okay, now. Sex in the sense of, like, if you love sex and you're an extremely sexual person, why. And I guess like the, the caution of having herpes and the fear of passing it on to someone, why does that limit your identity as a extremely sex sexual person?

[Javan]

I. I think it's just simply that. I mean, as far as I can analyze myself right now, I. Like I said before, I don't. I don't know my triggers very well. And it's. It's the fear. Like I said, perhaps it's. Perhaps it's irrational, but it is that fear of perhaps passing it on. Even when someone has informed consent, you know, it's always a possibility.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. But while you're. Okay, here's where I'm going with this. So sharing my experience. Sex has tremendously evolved for me beyond just where my genitals make contact with someone else's genitals. And I too, when I was diagnosed, believed that there would be no more sex, there would be no more pleasure. And that was what I was locked into. But what I've found over the years, through various experiences of learning my body, is that I've been able to experience sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure, in ways that extend beyond where herpes can present itself. So on the shaft of my penis, where I had my initial outbreak, and where it is covered by the condom that doesn't mean that the surrounding areas. That doesn't mean, like there's a little spot on my knee or like my neck thing. Doing things there is going to put anyone at, quote, risk of herpes. And I'm wondering, are you depriving yourself of pleasure outside of just your genital area because of this virus?

[Javan]

No. I did venture once or twice. I haven't cut like, you know, I mean, when I say sex, I'm talking penetrative sex and oral sex.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

I did venture, but I. I did invent. I'm not gonna lie. Before it got any further, I made up an excuse so I could go home.

[Courtney Brain]

What if this person. What if this person also had herpes?

[Javan]

I don't think he does. He's on and off long time. He's an on and off long time lover of mine.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

Got back in touch with.

[Courtney Brain]

Oh, okay, so you haven't talked to him about this yet?

[Javan]

No, not yet. Because he doesn't live here.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

And we just gone out for a talk. We ended up, you know, it always ends up the same way. And before, before it could go any further, him asking me to go to his place or whatever, I just made up an excuse and he was leaving the next day, so.

[Courtney Brain]

Ah, okay. But I imagine if you didn't have herpes, would you have gone through with it?

[Javan]

Yeah, because that's what we used to do.

[Courtney Brain]

Well, okay, so if herpes perhaps is supporting you in breaking a pattern. Right. Are you glad that you didn't do it?

[Javan]

Yeah. Because now I would say I'm gonna be a lot more selective.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah.

[Javan]

I'm not just gonna scratch an itch for the sake of scratching it, you know, because honestly, that's what I used.

[Courtney Brain]

To do up until months ago when you got your dad.

[Javan]

I got my first flare up, which is when I obviously realized that I had it. Yeah.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. Is there any connection to what was happening around that time of your life when you had the outbreak?

[Javan]

What do you mean exactly?

[Courtney Brain]

Just like, was there because it's typically triggered by stress or.

[Javan]

Well, I personally think because of how bad it was. And also I've had two previous partners who had oral herpes. I didn't care about it. They didn't care about it. Over here in Europe, they don't care about it. Even the genital one, they don't really care. And I was with both of those people at different times for years on end, and they had a couple sores here and there. We just abstained until it was completely gone. And as Far as I know, I never got anything. I am almost 100% sure that I know who gave it to me. And the symptoms occurred about 48 hours after exposure.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

It was a new partner. I was a few months out of a long term relationship, and that's what happened.

[Courtney Brain]

Did you, did this person disclose to you that they had it?

[Javan]

He. Well, when I. No, because he, when it happened, and he messaged because I had gone quiet because I was trying to deal with it, because it was a really, really, really bad first outbreak. The ones that you read about, and everybody says, yeah, the first one's the worst, and then it gets better. Which is, which has been true for me. But, yeah, he messaged and I said, oh, you know, I'm having a herpes outbreak. I'm at home, I'm in a lot of pain. Sorry, I'm not in any kind of headspace to talk to you right now, because I'm gonna be honest, either I've had it for a really long time, which I doubt, because I did a test and it was undetectable in my blood. So I think it was you. And you're asymptomatic. I said I was. I said it outright. I said, I think it was you. And he just said, well, I've never had herpes, so feel better. That was that. That was it. No, no. Sort of. Oh, my God. I'm gonna go get tested. Let me see. No, just. Well, I've never had herpes.

[Courtney Brain]

So how'd you meet this man?

[Javan]

Through a good friend of mine. That's what he wasn't just a random guy. I met him through a good friend. And he seemed really nice, to be honest. Very interesting man, very talented, very artistic.

[Courtney Brain]

Oh, okay. Because I, I, I was ready to blame dating apps, and that was not the case.

[Javan]

So.

[Courtney Brain]

With the second question that I wanted to ask you, because the first one was about what extremely sexual men. And my follow up with what you saying was, oh, I guess in the way that you're dating, you said you got out of a long term relationship. Are you looking for a relationship?

[Javan]

Are you looking to right now? I would say no, because I think in combination with me getting herpes and coming out of that last relationship, I would say I'm a little emotionally wrung out because I was repressed and depressed in that relationship and I had wanted out for a really long time. Like I said, I would say I have a very high sex drive in general. Things were good when we met, but it quickly tapered down. You know, people often Talk about sexual frequency. Fizzling out after a few years of being in a relationship. Not for everyone, but, you know, it's pretty common. But no hours fizzled out less than a year into the official relationship because he also, you know, and. And it ended up making me kind of close myself off to him. And I think I was very depressed and repressing myself a whole lot. And when we.

[Courtney Brain]

I was gonna ask what caused that? What caused the depression and repression? Was it him?

[Javan]

Was it him? It was. He just. He lost interest. I was getting rejected. He also had a period of really bad anxiety, and that decreased his libido completely, which I understand that can happen to anyone. Yeah, but he just let it stay at that level. Even when he recovered, he didn't try to let me know that he was ready. Now, you could also blame me, but after getting rejected several times, I stopped trying because it made me feel terrible. And then we just kind of swept it under the rug. And it was. For me, it was always the elephant in the room. Especially if we watched any TV with a sex scene in it, my mind would immediately go to, oh, my God, I hope he's not thinking about the fact that we never have sex.

[Courtney Brain]

What made your mind go there? Like, why did you think that?

[Javan]

Well, if me and him would watch any tv, film series, whatever, and there would be a sex scene. It just. That's just where my mind went, thinking that, oh, well, we don't do that anymore. I wonder if he's thinking about the same thing.

[Courtney Brain]

So it wasn't. I wonder if he's thinking about it so that he initiates with you because you want to have sex with your partner. It was, I don't want to have sex with him. And I hope that he's not getting turned up.

[Javan]

After the prolonged rejection and then him never bringing it back up and subsequently, and consequently me never bringing it back up again. Because it turned into this kind of shameful thing for me, and I was embarrassed about it, and I didn't feel sexually adequate. And then I started losing attraction for him, and I didn't love him in anymore the same way. And then I kind of just stayed in the relationship out of comfort, and it finally ended.

[Courtney Brain]

What ended it? Who ended it?

[Javan]

He did. Like, I was there. My friends have been telling me for a year and a half, jimine, you need to. You need to leave. You need to leave, you know, because you're not happy every time we see you together. You guys are not right for each other. He doesn't treat you well. Look, at what he's doing to your libido. And I just stayed because it was easier to stay.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah.

[Javan]

The reason he broke up with me. I prefer not to talk about it because honestly, it doesn't cast a good light on his character. Let's just say it was not a very logical reason in my opinion and in the opinion of my friends.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay. When we look at libido in relationships, I know that we can have such a super high libido and attraction and chemical reaction to someone that is not good for us and stay in the relationship. Or we can have no libido at all for somebody who's not good for us and still stay in the relationship because it's easy and there's no formula. These are just two extremes. Like, I'm so turned on by this person, they're not good for me, but I'm staying. The sex is good. There was no sex and you stayed. So what were the benefits to you of staying in a relationship?

[Javan]

Comfort. Comfort. Being with him made my life easier in several ways. And it was nice having a person just for me. You know, it's that companionship factor. You have someone to spend the weekends with, someone to travel with, someone to be silly with occasionally, that kind of thing. He wasn't a horrible person. Not all the time. I mean, we did. We did a lot of fun stuff together. We took a lot of. A lot of trips. He showed me parts of Spain that I'd never been able to visit before simply because I don't drive here. I don't have a necessity to drive, so I never got my license. But he has a car and, you know, we. We did all these things. We even went on a week long road trip in the south with my dad last year. But yeah, he just thought eventually that our, I suppose, values in some way didn't align or our future plans didn't align very well and that's why he ended things.

[Courtney Brain]

Oh, well, good for you. Right? How long ago?

[Javan]

I would say good for me. I'm not. I was relieved when it happened.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. Did it end?

[Javan]

January of this year? And then I kind of. I kind of went crazy.

[Courtney Brain]

Do you want to talk?

[Javan]

I kind of went crazy and then I got herpes in April.

[Courtney Brain]

Do you. You want to talk about the. The crazy phase?

[Javan]

Yeah, I don't mind.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. What did that look like for you? What is. What does it mean to go crazy?

[Javan]

The timeline is kind of fuzzy. I do have a kind of diary journal where I jot things down or I think I kept to Myself for about a month and a half. And then sometime in March, I did jump on a dating app again, and I somehow found myself with a bunch of. This sounds so bad. I found myself as a cougar.

[Courtney Brain]

As a cougar or with a cougar.

[Javan]

I became a cougar.

[Courtney Brain]

The age range for cougar.

[Javan]

Well, I. I'm not as young as I Look. I'm 36.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

And I ended up with some younger men. They weren't little boys, but just, you know, younger men. Like 10, 11 year age gaps.

[Courtney Brain]

I got you. I got you.

[Javan]

It was a lot of fun until I met that guy through my friend. And then.

[Courtney Brain]

How old was he?

[Javan]

He's a couple years older than I am. I think he's.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Javan]

He was the first one I met my age. You know, he was mature. He had his life together. His job was incredibly interesting. Like I said, fascinating. Poon really liked spending time with him and vibing with him.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah.

[Javan]

But before I met him, I was on Tinder and Bumble again, and I ended up with a few younger guys.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. And so when. It's funny that, like, that was fun for you, being able to hook up with the much younger guys. And then.

[Javan]

I've never done that before.

[Courtney Brain]

When you did what you were, quote, supposed to do or something, that was like, more in your realm. Right. Of someone around your age range. That's where you got herpes from. Someone who should be more mature or know better. Right. Wow. Did you find.

[Javan]

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, you continue.

[Courtney Brain]

I was gonna say, did you find that. Were there conversations with people about sexual health and if so, what did those look like?

[Javan]

Honestly, with the younger guys? Yes.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay.

[Javan]

With the older one, we did not talk about it.

[Courtney Brain]

Who led those conversations? Was it them or you?

[Javan]

It's always me. Because here in Europe, people don't seem to care very much about sexual health and getting tested. When I lived in the Caribbean and I became sexually active, I was getting tested twice a year because, you know, you. When you grow up in the Caribbean, they instill. At least. I don't know if it's still happening now, but I'm a 90s kid. We were. The fear of HIV AIDS was drilled into us from a very young age. And I grew up terrified of STDs. So when I started becoming sexually active, yes, I went and I tested myself every six months religiously. And then when I came to Spain, I came to Spain with a boyfriend in trinidad. This was 10 years ago. I broke up with him after less, maybe eight months. Into my first year. And I didn't start sleeping with Spanish men until 2017, I would say. And I decided, well, hey, I am having multiple partners again. I need to get tested every so often. I was doing it once a year or when I had a scare, because these guys up here, man, like, like I said, they don't care. They have a lot of bacterial STIs. And I got a bunch of infections from people, not bad ones, but just like BV and stuff like that from men, different types of bv. And my doctor said, javan, you are engaging in dangerous behavior. Why are you coming to get tested so often? And I said, but this is not often. This is what I. This is normal for me to come and get tested because I don't. I know my status. But these guys, they. They all say they're fine, and they have nothing to back it up. So that's the. That's the. What about. What did I just say? That's the attitude up here, okay. They think getting a regular blood panel, as in checking your health in general, is good enough, not actually getting an STD panel.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah. When you would initiate these conversations with them, how do you initiate these with the people that you're dating? Like, in a dating sense? What. What do you do? What do you say?

[Javan]

I would. I just come straight out of there, like, hey, so if it's somebody serious, like, I'm getting serious about someone before I realize that it's going to get physical, I would just come right out and say, hey, so I know my status because I got tested X amount of time ago. What about you? And then the conversation would go from there.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay. And do you find that these men were being tested more frequently, or did you have to encourage them to go get tested or what?

[Javan]

It's like I said, once. They don't have any physical symptoms of anything concerning. They all say, I'm fine. I've never had anything. Or I've never seen anything on myself.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah, that's it.

[Javan]

In their eyes, once they don't have physical symptoms, they've never had an STD or sti.

[Courtney Brain]

All right, say, too, that the most common symptom for an STI is no symptom at all.

[Javan]

Exactly.

[Courtney Brain]

Is to, in fact, go get tested. And I was just curious, the culture over on your side of the country, because I don't think I really got to dive deep into that conversation with anybody. You mentioned when we were messaging one another that you're wanting to not necessarily take antivirals, but just see what your Body does with the virus. And how has that been working for you?

[Javan]

Well, it was literally only three months, four days ago. I did get a second flare. Let's see when that was exactly. I would say that happened or I noticed it the night of the 29th of June. Yep. I went, I had a shower, noticed a little pain and I looked at myself and I said, oh, hello, there we go again. But. And it was less than three months later. And I thought, damn it. I didn't even make the three month mark. But I just immediate. I went to the doctor the next day. I said, hey, I need antivirals. She prescribed me for 10 days and it went away quite quickly. I didn't even get any ulcers. It was amazing. Like they were there, they got a bit inflamed. It looked pretty ugly for a little while, but no ulcers whatsoever. And it went away quite quickly. Perfect. A bit of itching, hardly any pain. I was like, this is what the second one is like. Yeah, this ain't shit.

[Courtney Brain]

So you did take the antivirals?

[Javan]

Yes. What I said before is that a lot of people, even my friends back at home, not though anybody here in Spain because that's not the culture in Europe generally, but anybody in the US or in the Caribbean, they keep asking me about the possibility of suppressive therapy where you take antivirals daily for a really long time to suppress the virus in your system. I cannot do that because it's not medically available here and we don't have systems in the US where you can pay for a prescription online, like an online doctor, and then you get meds delivered to your house. That is not legal in Europe and it's not going to happen ever. And I cannot get those meds without a written prescription from a doctor.

[Courtney Brain]

Okay, I didn't know that. So that's probably something to take into consideration as well for like, as I have communication now. Oh, excuse me. I want to also just shout you out and thank you for your willingness to support me in supporting someone who is primarily Spanish speaking. And I really appreciated that you were willing to help me with that. Unfortunately, I was in the process of learning Spanish and then life started, life in. And I got out of it. I got out of it, like just flat out. And maybe I would have been able to be more supportive to him, but I feel like a sense of guilt for not having continued that practice.

[Javan]

And I think you need to. You know, honestly, I can understand why, but I you. You're only feeling it because now somebody has Reached out to you, and you can't be the one to communicate.

[Courtney Brain]

Let me, let me, let me. There's a little more to it. It's was on track for my life to look a certain way, and then I. To just get detoured. And the detour, I believe just came from. I mean, if I'm gonna just be real, being nice. And even now it's coming out as like, oh, now I'm guilty for not knowing Spanish. For this situation, there was absolutely no way for me to be able to predict. And, yeah, I recognize that that's just an expression of it. And I'm working on this. This is something that I am very actively foot on the gas working on. And that's why I've stepped away from doing, like, something positive for positive people work stuff. So the support groups are still happening. Everything that's in the calendar is happening. This podcast episode, this recording is me putting a toe back into the water. I mentioned to you I was rusty, and I'm. I'm coming into a place of more stability and groundedness now than I have had arguably over the last year and a half, but definitely this year for sure. So thank you for being my guest and thank you for. Yeah, just like, jumping in and engaging, willing to help somebody. I really find that there's a lot of healing that comes from being able to help other people who are willing to give to others what we, at some point in time needed for ourselves.

[Javan]

Yeah, I agree. Because three months ago, which was like, yesterday, the. That's what people did for me. You know, people who have. Who've had the virus for a long time, and they were willing to talk me through the first few weeks when I was a mess. And then, you know, everything that they told me, the things that they sent me to read, they helped me educate myself. And I would say after about a month, I was more or less okay, A little paranoid, but I was okay. And now, now, you know, some stuff has happened, and it's really put it into perspective. So when it went two weeks ago, when I saw my second outbreak, I was like, this is nothing. It doesn't even hurt.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah, good.

[Javan]

And it went away in seven days, so everything is fine.

[Courtney Brain]

Good.

[Javan]

Thank you so much for wanting to have me on.

[Courtney Brain]

So, yeah, thanks for being willing to have a conversation. I. I don't know what. It was something. It's like when I declared that I was taking a break, I took a break. I stepped back, and all of these things just keep almost like, just punching me in the face, like do this. I'm getting these great ideas for how to run something positive for positive people, but I'm really committed to taking a step back and letting the dust settle, because I have been trying to adapt a lot faster than I've been able to allow for what this is to settle. And it's been eight years that, that I've been able to provide, consistent. I've been able to be consistent. I've been able to provide for myself. And yeah, like, it feels like I've been forcefully trying to make this something else, something that it isn't. And it is the thing that I'm trying to make it, but I don't need to go about it the way that I am. So I'm. I'm figuring out how to just let this be what it's supposed to be, which is a support resource for people with herpes, educating people about herpes and minimizing herpes stigma and not all this extra I've been trying to do, because I've been trying to do a lot of extra.

[Javan]

And you're just one person. So, you know, take it easy. Remember that you have to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself as well. However, I will say that you are highly regarded within the community. I found you through Reddit.

[Courtney Brain]

Oh, Reddit.

[Javan]

Yeah. You were highly recommended.

[Courtney Brain]

People don't reply, like, comment on anything. I posted Reddit. I'll come there and be like, hey, can I have.

[Javan]

That's the way those subs are. Reddit is ridiculous. But they know. They know. Listen, there are people freaking out there every day. I'm no longer on those subs because it was bad for my mental health. I got off there after about a month because I said, you know what? No, I need to figure this out on my own. And then it actually helped. But, yeah, they know who everyone is, I think. Who's. Who's that girl? Is it safe? Slut.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah.

[Javan]

Yeah. They talk about you and her all the time.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah, we've. We did an event in New York early March together. We had 69.

[Javan]

I saw. Did you post about that? I think I saw.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah, it was cool because, like, I don't know what I expected, and I was going through a lot and she was going through a lot. And I'm so happy that we were able to just let the event happen still. And I didn't expect so many people to show up.

[Javan]

I'm so sorry to cut you off. My computer is about to die.

[Courtney Brain]

Oh, okay.

[Javan]

If you. I don't know how much longer you Want to go? Because if you want to talk more, I can go get my charger or we can wrap it up just before I juice.

[Courtney Brain]

I'm glad you said something. No, but yeah, thank you for naming that. That I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that, you know, what you just shared. So with that said, is there anything that you want to share that I didn't get to ask you about? If there's anything that you would give to yourself when you were diagnosed that maybe you didn't have? What would it be?

[Javan]

I'm definitely gonna get my charge. Give me one second because I won't be able to answer. It's gonna die. Right?

[Courtney Brain]

So with that, I'll go ahead and announce to check out the events [e-mail] so that you can know what's happening. I'm in Brooklyn, New York now, traveling, and whenever I release a newsletter, I'll share updates of things that are happening, podcast episodes, as well as opportunities to meet in person, to have social events, as well as the virtual stuff. So just be on the newsletter. That is the only thing that I can say because social media is not really rocking with me right now. Okay, you're back now.

[Javan]

Sorry about that.

[Courtney Brain]

I threw a commercial.

[Javan]

I should have been prepared. I thought I had more battery than I did. Hindsight is 20 20, as everyone knows. I suppose everybody who, who has this journey probably has the same thought. I wish I could have told myself it's definitely gonna get better. And even if you do have another flare up, it's not gonna be anything like the first. You don't have to worry. You're gonna feel pretty normal again and you're gonna be able to do most, if not all, the things you were doing before. Because, you know, I was pretty afraid to experiment with my. With my diet. I swore off alcohol for at least six weeks. Then I dipped my toe back in and I realized, okay, I can tire myself out dancing, I can drink. But it's like I said at the beginning, I'm healthier now. I don't drink anywhere near the way I used to. Not that I drank a lot, but I'll have one drink for the entire night, maybe two. That's it. I can be hot, as in not just physically, but temperature wise. I was worried about. I was worried about going home for the summer. Summer and being in the heat and worrying about heat being a trigger. But it's really hot over here right now. And I've been okay. I've started wearing tighter clothes again, like tight pants. Short, short pants. And I'm okay. I wish I could have let myself. I wish I could have trusted that at the beginning. That's all. And I think that's what I would want. That's the message I would want to send. Probably sounding like everybody else who's had the virus for a while, but for the vast majority of people, it does get. Life goes back to normal. I'm still on that road, but life is pretty normal.

[Courtney Brain]

Good. And I mean, what's normal anyway? It's different for different people.

[Javan]

So whatever your routine and, you know, not thinking about the virus every second of every day, second second guessing, every decision or choice that you make, that kind of thing, I just don't think about it anymore, and I didn't expect it to happen so quickly.

[Courtney Brain]

Yeah, beautiful. Beautifully said. All right, y'. All, thank you for listening. This concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive people. Please donate to the organization. Please. I just moved to New York, and if we want to keep this thing going, we gotta. We gonna have to do a little bit more than we're gonna have to do more fundraising. I can tell you that now before coming back with whatever changes need to be made. So I asked for you to, if you found value in this, just go ahead, make a donation. It can be whatever. If you decide to make a monthly contribution, weekly, whatever you do, you'll be able to come to the events for free, just as support. And what I mean by events, I mean when I do more support groups, some of these are going to be free, some of them are going to be paid. I have to do a better job of screening people coming into this. So that's a whole process. And I'm really working on not doing too much, but just integrating one new thing at a time when the time comes, and also being able to host more of these disclosure workshops and opportunities for people to share about the dating experiences and everything. So, yeah, we. We need those. But if you are someone who maybe isn't in a position to do that, then you can support the podcast, share something. If you found something valuable out of this, talk to somebody about it. You can leave a review, you can leave a rating. You can like the show. You can engage with my Instagram at Courtney Brain, which is just my first and last name altogether, and just help us uplift this. The universe is pulling me to stick with herpes stigma and not try and do all that extra that I've been trying to do. So I'm. I'm leaning into that and honoring that. And yeah, I'm just looking for support in that I'm always looking for podcast guests as well. So if you haven't already been a guest or if you're somebody who's on the fence about maybe doing that, hit me up. And essentially, this is it. The podcasts are kind of like a hybrid between support calls and just an offering to the listeners to be able to just sit in on a conversation between two people about the experience of having herpes. That's all I got for y', all, y'. All. Until next time, stay present. Here's that awkward time between when you gotta go to stop the recording for zoom and you got to do all the clicking. And now the recording now.