← Something Positive for Positive People
Something Positive for Positive People
SPFPP 380: Transmuting Stigma into Healing - Lessons from Depression
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Courtney Brain
Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. I want to do a little bit of different intro and I think that's just no intro at all, to be completely honest. I'm reflecting on what this has been over the last. God, it's been eight years that I've been podcasting consistently too, with the exception of a few weeks of this year and those times where I thought that I needed to be doing something else and then I tried something else and felt the pull back to the core of what something positive is and has been. And this has really just been about and for people living with herpes. And I, I apologize for the shifts that I've tried to make between trying to detach the personalization from my experience and take that out of Something Positive for Positive People and put that into my. The men's emotional wellness platform that I attempted to create. And the intentions behind that weren't my own. They weren't pure. It, it wasn't, it wasn't something that I should have done. And you know, looking back on that time that I was running Self, like I was burning myself out. I was exhausting myself and my resources and you know, I, I had the capacity because I just, I'm built like that, to be completely honest. But I think as it relates to stigma as a whole, the way that I look at it is fragmented identity. And I, I've known who I am, I've known what I'm here to do. That's transmuting stigma into healing and specifically herpes stigma on the surface. And once that comes to my bubble, like from people who have herpes, like, we get together and we start to talk and we start to trade experiences and I start to learn more about people. That's where the other self stigmas come up. That's where we start to explore identity. That's where we start to look at who a person is and who they're not. And I myself have allowed for my own identity to become fragmented. I began to fragment myself from the Something Positive for Positive People podcast host and non profit founder and yoga teacher. And I tried to separate Courtney from all of that. And man, I, I recognize the fear behind that. The fear that comes from, all right, I'm be vulnerable. I'm gonna be real, the real kind of vulnerable. I would be very resistant to dating anyone who like found me through my podcast. And the resistance there comes from a place of being afraid that people will listen to the podcast and feel like they know me and then become what it is. That they think I want. Because, I mean, this, this is, like, real. This is what I do. This is an expression of who I am and my fear of somebody, like, approaching me, you know, saying all the right things and, and presenting themselves as somebody who's a fit for the kind of relationship that I've. Or relationships that I've wanted or whatever, but just to become somebody that they're not in order to get whatever it is they want from me, always, hey, I ain't got no money. So. So it ain't like nobody getting that out of me. And I found myself in a couple of situations where, like, that, that boundary, that barrier that I put up for myself has warranted new kinds of experiences. And, And I, I say this, that I'm. I'm sorting through this as I'm saying it. And the reason that I think that it's important for me to address this is because I want to bring that vulnerability back. I want to bring that transparency back, and I want to do so with more transformed boundaries. Because there, you know, have been positive interactions that I've had with people who somehow adjacently met me through the podcast, but also, like, the ones that made it through my own boundaries that I put up for myself, like, who passed the, the boundaries check if I can even call them boundaries, really. Right. I think there were more rules. Like, I won't engage with or be with or date. You know, anybody who especially, like, listens to the podcast, finds a podcast, podcast, and it's like, oh, my God, you know, this was the worst experience that I had, having herpes. And I supported them, like, from this dark place, you know, because I, I, I am aware of. I am aware of power dynamics in the sense of if, you know, somebody comes to me and they're, like, low, and me being a man, me being an attractive man to women who maybe are newly diagnosed, that can be seen as very predatory. And I've been very selective in. If I meet someone through the podcast or over social media, be cautious about that. But it's happened, like, enough times, Times over the years now, especially looking back on past relationships and talking about them where, with other people, where I, I see that that doesn't really, like, that doesn't hold for me, that fear. That fear doesn't make sense because even with the rules that I've put in place for myself, and it still happens. I'm not saying that, but I, I hate how this is coming out because it's so raw and unprocessed, but it feels important to name because and, and just naming the intention here is that I am getting back to being more sharing about personal experiences as well, because I think that's, that that is the essence of something positive, like me. Being open and vulnerable does invite the openness and vulnerability of podcast guests. And lately it's been really difficult for me to get podcast guests because I have been trying to maintain a certain level of professionalism, especially over the last two years that I was in my relationship. And I, I was taking a lot of critique, for lack of better words, from my ex partner about how I did things. And a lot of how I made adjustments were according to, to her and out of respect for the relationship, like, not sharing too much of what my experiences were. I was just like speaking to, hey, I'm in a relationship. Yay. And this is, this is it. And you know, it's unfortunate that the relationship didn't work out and I, I was left confused. I was left very confused from the relationship. And I've been very mindful of speaking about it or how I speak about it. And unfortunately, you know, it's come to my attention that there have been a lot of negative things said about me. Some of these things, things have enough. There's been a lack of context enough for people to have treated me differently. And it does make me a little bit sad. But I, I, the way that I look at it is, you know, if people don't care to pick up the other 66% of the story, because there's three sides to every story, as much side, your side, and the truth. And I, I like the hope that my, my non reactivity, as best it can be, speaks enough for my character, my experience. But coming into where I'm at now, right, like, this is enough of evidence for me to see that, like, I am susceptible to this kind of thing where somebody can present themselves as being okay with the kind of life and lifestyle that I, I have and who I am and try to change me. And sometimes people will be successful in the changes. But also I recognize that the world around us tends to it. It's like a field test of our integrity, of who we are. And I failed mine. I felt my integrity test in my last relationship because I didn't stay true to who I am. And I thought that it was in an attempt of being better. Like, I looked at the test as, okay, you know, this person's coming in and they're just challenging me. She's challenging me to be something greater, be something more, but really it was to be something different. And the way that. The way that it was presented, y', all, it just felt so tactical. It was tactical. And, you know, I'm not gonna go into all the details. Details about it, but just there were things that were said in the beginning that were okay. And over time, like, it became apparent and revealed that she wasn't really okay with a lot of the things that she said she was okay with. And even with me, like, proactively not, you know, doing those things, because essentially, you know, it ended up turning into a monogamous relationship, which I. I was doing that I was doing monogamy, and I was doing it with integrity. And coming out of the growth and development that I had, like, it just seemed like doing monogamy wasn't enough. And it was really about being this kind of monogamous person or being in this kind of monogamous relationship. That was whatever her vision for it was. And it just. It sucks that the story that is presented is, first off, one that I will never know was being said to these people. And I think that my healing is in being okay with that. But there's people that we share space with, we've been, quote, friends with, and I say, quote, friends, because these people that even like that we were mutual friends with. I feel the difference of treatment and experienced it, you know, to know that there's absolutely something there. And being okay with that is what my work is. That's me. Because what has happened is that this breakup has put some insecurities in my face. The insecurity of wanting to fix people. Right? But it's not really about me wanting to fix people. It's really about what. What. What is it that's broken in me to need to fix other people or need to fix someone, Right? And I've taken accountability from day one of, hey, like, here is how I could have been better. If I would have done this thing, then things would have been different, right? But ultimately, none of that matters because. Because my integrity was compromised. I chose to compromise my integrity, and I compromised it in a variety of ways by not sticking to, you know, I should have put my foot down at the first signs of changing how I run my business or how I interact with people through something positive for positive people. And I've gotten enough feedback over the last six months now to recognize that, yeah, I did change. And something else that's frustrating is just, like, how I hear or have heard that I've been talked about publicly on social media, especially after saying, you know, the worst thing that can happen to me is for somebody that I'm in a relationship with, to, if it ends or even if we together still to go out into the world and just like talk about me and that, that, that's what has happened is. It's funny because the thing that we fear sometimes is still what happens. And like, I've, I've been blocked, so I, I don't see everything. There have been times where like stuff's popped up and I've just been like, oh, okay, I'm curious. Let me check this out. Let me, let me check out this podcast episode she's done. Or let me, somebody will share something with me that and, and give me like just a heads up, here's what's being said and my reputation. I Courtney something positive for positive people. Like, that is what this is an expression of who I am. And so for somebody who's also in the same career field to be saying whatever it is that they're saying about me, like, I, I can't defend myself. And also, like, I ain't gotta defend nothing. There have been times where I tried to record so many podcast episodes and like, I caught myself just like defending myself or speaking to, you know, the relationship to some degree. And it never felt right. It never felt right for me to say the things that I was saying and partially was because I didn't want to become content. Because that's what it seemed like. It seemed like it got to a point where anything that I, like, said or did could produce content, you know, from her end or like some type of disagreement or whatever. But, you know, looking back, I, I just, I, what I did was change, change. And it wasn't just me changing in the relationship, it was me changing in my career. It was me changing in my passion, you know what I'm saying? And I, I have so many good memories of the relationship. The relationship itself was a great relationship, hands down. Like, I was serious and you know, grief comes up still, right? Like when you think you're gonna spend the rest of your life with somebody, when you make all the changes that, you know, are requested of you to make and you become this different person, like my anchor. The last thing that I was holding on to that was like, hold on like now, like this, this is what you want me to give up? You want me to give up a seven year relationship, connection, friendship, intimacy with somebody just because you. I, I don't even know what the reason was, but I, my saving grace for coming back into who I am was just a connection to somebody that Was not okay for the relationship. And this connection had been there and named from day one. And I hate the, the positioning of me as a person. And yeah, just, I, I don't, again, I don't know what's fully being said, but I know that there's just been and like a lot of negativity, like directed towards me and minimal if any accountability. And I, I have to live with that. I gotta be okay with that. And not being liked by people. Oh, it feels so hard to say that. It's hard to say that because it's true. Like, I do have to be okay with not being liked by people. I gotta be okay with not being liked by everybody. And the, the test of this relationship, like the relationship wasn't a test. It was so natural for me to be in a relationship. You know, I, I wrote about this. Like, I wrote about what I remember about the relationship and how, you know, taking care of responsibilities, taking care of her, like witnessing where there were things that like I could naturally do to nurture her and make her life easier. And I did those things. I did those things, you know, not because she asked for me. Like, I think that when you're in a relationship, there's things that you observe that you don't have to like, ask, wait for your partner to ask for you to do. Like you see, hey, this thing just, it's like, like if you see something laying on the floor, just on the floor, you can either walk past it and be like, oh, that ain't mine, not my responsibility. Oh, she'll get it. And you do it so many times and then it, it's still there and it's never picked up. And you hear your partner complain about like, oh, I gotta get that, I gotta do that right? And then you just, you just do it and it's not a problem anymore. But the having done it or having like moved the thing then creates the problem of depriving that person of whatever the experience is that they need out of that by tripping over said thing that's on the floor for them to go, oh, you know what? Let me, I trip, I fell. Here's the aftermath of that. Let me pick this thing up, let me not do that anymore. Rather than me doing it in that thing, ending up on the floor again and again and again, but in different ways. So like, that's the kind of person I have been and am in relationships. Like, I'm not gonna eat steak and you eating store bought ramen noodles, you know what I'm saying? So The. And now here I am. I'm doing the. A little bit of the thing that I didn't want to be doing, which is still kind of feeling like I'm defending myself. But I think that I'm. I'm getting through to something on the other side of this because I. I'm choosing. I'm choosing to be reconnected with my community, especially after having been so disconnected and especially after having made so many changes. I made a lot of changes for myself. You know, I stopped posting to Instagram, what I post to Instagram. I made her such a important part of my life and trying to integrate her into my work stuff because of what she said in the beginning. Like, I remember her saying, like, I want to run a sexual welding center at the beginning of the relationship. I'm like, damn, that's tight. Because, like, I've always thought of a sexual wellness. Like, the. The sexual wellness. Sexual health is mental health, like, staying virtual. It never occurred to me to do something in person and have, like, a store. Right? I remember her, you know, at the beginning, wanting to make massage candles and needing a particular type of jar. So I got the jar, and I ain't seen her make a candle sense. And, like, I'll be damned if I, like, sit up here and let anybody tell me I'm not a good boyfriend. Because when I give boyfriend privileges and. And that's what I call them, like, everybody can't get boyfriend privileges. I. I give them to people who have demonstrated. Who demonstrated a worthiness of that. And to me, boyfriend privileges are like, I take you in. I take you in is like, as part of me, but also, I recognize not everybody wants that. Like, one of the things that infuriated me was seeing a post of my ex posted. I can't believe I spent so much time over crying. Crying over somebody who didn't do anything for our anniversary, y'. All. This one was. This one was a killer. Because there was. I guess I just need to go on and say it because I've been holding it in for so long. I spent $2400 on getting this girl's car fixed. You telling people, I ain't do nothing for your anniversary and the context around it. Like, it. It maybe seems like there was, like, no thought behind it, but there was also challenges around the anniversary itself. Like the date of the anniversary being significant, a traumatic event, a triggering event from the beginning of our relationship. And hearing her say, like, I don't want that day to be our anniversary. Like, I hate that there's so much context that is being lost from what's being said about me and about our relationship. So I. I guess, like, to some degree, like, I'm coming here and venting to some end, but also, like, I. I gotta let this go. I gotta let this go. And shout out to Sedalia, the elder of the first peoples of the land. I. I had a spiritual healing when I went to Canada, which my ex was supposed to be there with me. And so I guess this feels like, much more significant now because she was supposed to be there. She wasn't. And then I go have this smudging energy cleansing with this elder. Like, I ain't never talked to her or anything outside of here. Like, we sat down and shot the. A little bit before going into the session, but I was with a colleague of mine, and she got her smudging. It was smooth. I sat there, I watched. And then it was my turn, y'. All. So I get up. I'm, you know, I'm smiling a little bit. I got my posture right, feet wide, shoulders width apart, shoulders drop. You know what I'm saying? And I'm just like, ah, yeah, let's do this. And she's smudging me, and she gets to, like, my. My throat. This has happened before where, like, I've gotten some type of healing or energy work where I'm like, my body is communicating confidence. It's communicating. It's communicating, like, the right things, I guess. Like, the good things. But I guess energetically that ain't the case because someone did some work on me and she was like, yeah, when I got to your, like, throat, I was coughing a lot. Like, I was choking a lot. Which means that, like, this is something around things that are going unsaid or not, or boundaries are not, like, enforcing your boundaries. And you're. I was like, oh, my bad. Because I also fell asleep during that session. But for the smudging, I had to stand up. And when the lady brought the eagle wings to, like, my neck and chest area, she was like, you hold on tight. You hold on tight. Whatever that is, you gotta let that go. And when she said it, I. I thought I knew what she meant, but something told me, I was like, nah, that ain't what she means. And I thought that. And mind you, like, this has been a hard year for me, you know, Like, I moved in. I moved in with my ex December 23rd. That was the day I moved in. And in January, like, I would say about two, three weeks. It was about three weeks into moving In. It's like, that's when I got too close and I got to see things that you just. You. You can't. You can't hold up the mask long. I am a very simple person to be with, and I recognize that. I value. I love emotional intensity. We can blame it on me being a Scorpio, whatever, but I saw that there couldn't. The consistent. That there was. And there was inconsistency. There was a lot of inconsistency. And on her part. And for so long, I've been holding on to, like, not wanting to share anything that was negative. And I was there for the inconsistency. I was there for the different identities, for the. I want to make massage candles. I want to host events. I want to. I want to sell sex toys. I want to be a relationships coach. I want to get my sexuality certification. I was there for all of these shifts and changes of. Of identity, of self. I loved all these parts of this woman. You know, when we first met, she told me. The first thing she told me, she's like, hey, I got anxiety. I'm jealous. She even told me I'm crazy. And I chose to love all. All of these parts of her, because that's what you do. That's unconditional love. Even now, like, I. I know she's seeing someone else, and I still love her. Like, I. I hope that she's happy. Also hope that she quit talking about me. Like, yeah, just. Just, like, I hope that she lets it go. And what sucks is I remember the last conversation we had. And the last conversation that we had was right after we did this talk together. I believe it was in. It was towards the end of April or early May. We did a workshop together for Plan Planned Parenthood, Split the cost. And I told her. I was like, yo, I. I don't want to do this without you. Like, we would make a damn good team when we working together. And she told me she was like, only contact me for work stuff. It's like, bet. So we did that, and the next day, she called me. She called me. Yeah. I ain't gonna say what was going on or sharing much of her personal business, but the last thing she said to me was, I love you. I miss you. And you're the only person who's always there for me. And everything after that last conversation we had is not reflective of that. It's not reflective of the last conversation that we had. I love you. I miss you. And you're the only person who is there for me. Me. So to, to see how I'm like, being portrayed from her experience. Like, I'm. And I'm not going to let this be something that dictates how I interact with people moving forward. I will say that it's going to give me boundaries because even after her, like, I met someone who said the same things. Oh. And even though I'm curious about polyamory, that was another thing that is verbatim the statement. I think that that is my like, red flag statement. Now. I'm curious about non monogamy, curious about polyamory, because there was someone else that I met afterwards, like someone that I thought that I had a lot more rapport with who said these same things. I'm crazy. I'm anxious and I tend. I, I can get in my head and make up stories, stories about things. I was like, oh, look at you being transparent. Tight. I like this transparency. And because I have experience with someone saying this and then ending up in a relationship with them, I'm not going to do that here. But I'm gonna trust what you're saying at face value and we're gonna have a great time together. And we did have a great time together. And then fast forward six weeks and I'm. I'm like, I'm essentially the. The pattern was they wanted Future, but I gave them Drake. So for those who don't know, because I think a lot of white people listen to this podcast. Future is a rapper who is known for being toxic. He is known for being the kind of person who will he. He's the kind of person that the boy. That's what y' all call them boys. Future's a boy, whereas Drake is a lover boy. And I, for probably my whole life, I've been more of a Drake. I don't know where people get this Future image from. Like, I'm not somebody just out here catching bodies. Like, I, I like the forehead. The forehead missionary. It'll get me wrong. Like, so sex wise. Like, there's a level of safety that I need outside the bedroom to be able to let go inside the bedroom. And that, I think is what people. Like, I, I feel like sometimes I'm objectified for, like, my appearance, but there's so much more to me than that. And I think that what Sedalia did in our smudging session, the energetic clearing, was just bring to my attention that even though I've let go of what's on the surface, I have not let go of the thing that I've been trying to Hide. And I've been trying to hide it because I don't want to be seen as a bad person. I've been hiding it because, you know, I. I want to be seen as somebody who does take accountability. But also these situations, these. My. My ex, and then even the person after her, like, we all got what we wanted from the relationship until we weren't getting it anymore. That's when it became an issue, or they changed their minds. And we. We live in a world. Like, I'm in the consent world. I know that when you change your mind, all right, that's. That's it. Like, the fun is done. And that's what happened, man. Like, multiple times now. People have presented themselves in a way that is exactly what I want to hear. And then over time, have tried to change me or just been unwilling to admit, hey, you know, things have changed for me. This doesn't work. And the desire to be liked, especially in the relationship, like, I think that I've overcome that when it came around a second time. But in the relationship that I was in, the desire to be, you know, liked, like, it led to me spending a lot more time with her family, not even tripping off the fact that she ain't never met nobody in my family. And when we started to travel or go places and, you know, see people, it seemed like there was some resistance there to, like, connecting with my people, the people that I was bringing her around. But you don't hear about that, right? Like, yeah, you. You'll go on these trips and everything, and I. You'll do this, but, like, won't share the real story. Like, come on. And I feel used, like, flat out. But that doesn't mean that I don't love her. Like, I can hold these two truths like, that. That's even the. The relationship that I had that I got into shortly after starting the podcast. I felt using that relationship and I. I have a pattern there, you know, like, for her, it's been long enough now I could talk about it. She was in nursing school, and I told her from early on before we started to get serious, I was like, hey, poly or non monogamy, I don't know or care what it looks like, but non monogamy is something that I am interested in. This is important to me. She lost her initially, and then she was like, okay, I can do this. Here's what I need it to look like, and I need for us to go at this pace. And I was like, hell, yeah, let's do that. Let's do that. And we were doing it. And throughout the relationship, like, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm holding it down like this my forever person again, when I'm with somebody, I bring you into my world, you become an extension of me, especially like in proximity. And I'm, I, I'm also learning the purpose of dating is to field test the integrity of each individual first. That's the purpose of dating. And what I've done is I take at face value, you know, what people tell me, and then my actions align with what we've talked about. But I've not seen that consistency of actions from the people that I've chosen to be in relationship with, because I don't take that lightly. If I give somebody the title of relationship, partner, girlfriend, like, I, I think that at this point, it's just about doing the things that, like putting what we have to give into the relationship. And I put, I put a lot. Not in, not into the relationship, but into the person. You know, I remember, like, oh, I don't give a about that gender role. I'll cook and I'll wash my own dishes. Like, I, I do all of that. I click. I clean up my mess, I clean up our mess. And when she got out of nursing school, as soon as she got done, she came in the house one day, she said, hey, after she got a job, she's like, hey, I can't do this non monogamy. So the balls in your court. And I was just sitting on the couch like, all right. And that was in 2019. That was at the end of 2019, December 2019. And that was the end of that relationship. That was after a year and a half. This one year and a half. We're like out the gate. Started non monogamous. I go, hey, you know, I recognize that I'm unable to be present with these other relationships. And I have a history of prioritizing, finding out if the person I'm with is actually okay with non monogamy, and then that being what leads to the downfall of the relationship. So I'm going to prioritize you and our relationship. This meant ending some relationships. It's meant putting the sex piece, even the intimacy piece on pause for other relationships, for another relationship. And it wasn't a problem then. It wasn't a problem then. And I let linguistics and language and timing and things like me up. Like, I, I, I got such a misdirection of, like, what the actual problems were in the relationship. And I'm, I'm Deflected. I'm looking up, you know, symptoms of things that she's telling me about that might are going on with her. Like. And I'm learning these things. I'm learning about them. I'm learning how to love this person in all of the different directions that she may have been going. Because that's what love is. That's what my love is. My love is unconditional. And I. I hate how this sounds, man, but I. I just gotta say it. I feel like I. For as emotionally aware and intelligent as I am, I feel like I was emotionally manipulated. And the more I cut myself off from my something positive for positive people, community, and women, it's almost like there was something that if I were to talk to women about my relationship, it would have been exposed that there was some manipulation going on or would have been exposed that, hey, Courtney, you know, you might want to talk to her about this or maybe you might want to get out of that relationship. Because after the fact, when I started talking to people, I was talking to people from, you know, her experience of what she was sharing, what she was telling me I was doing or not doing. And the more I talked about it, the more people like, Courtney, you. You are being real hard on yourself. Like, what was your experience? Experience? Like, what. What was your experience? To the point where I didn't even have an experience. It felt like I didn't have one. It took for me to really have to be by myself, away from her, away from the. The words that she was saying, the actions, the energy for me to finally be able to go, oh, this was my experience from a place of presence, from a place of. Of positivity. Because it was a good relationship. Overall, my experience, if I were to get a relationship a grade, it'd be a 93. And the 7%, I think, just comes from. It comes from some. My own insecurities being capitalized on and me not having boundaries, because if I had boundaries that were clearly articulated, she would have known how to orient herself to me, and maybe she would have been able to just remain emotionally stable because she knows, okay, this is how to orient. And I will say this. When we first met, she told me she wanted future. She didn't want Drake. She ain't use those words. But for lack of better words, she told me she wanted future. I. I showed up as Drake, like, oh. And the more I got to know her, you know, from a distance, when we were long distance, I saw that consistency. I saw that stability. I saw that, you know, like, okay, so you, you actually cool with this? Like, I don't need to test you. Like, let's do this relationship thing. Let's do this. And she wasn't okay with that. And now, like, I'm watching, I'm hearing myself be talked about or I don't. I don't know if it's ended or not or what. But more than any other relationship, more than the marriage and divorce, man, and that shit, like, that hurts because I was there. I supported and healed and supported the healing of and help through a lot of things that only someone who is there, there every day would be able to see. So to just, like, on me and act like I ain't exist and then just, like, replace my ass, like, and act like nothing happened and take no accountability. That's what I've been, like, looking for. And in looking for that, I gotta let that shit go. I'm not gonna get accountability. I'm not gonna get justice. I'm not gonna get people to come to me and say, hey, Courtney, you know, I heard this about you, and it bothers me, and it's making me not want to work with you or recommend you or any of that. So can you clear this up for me? Is this true? I will never hear that from people, so. And I'm in a field that is predominantly women. I understand understand that. And, you know, I believe women, and yeah, girl, yes, queen. But like, to see people like who I, I, I've been the same person over the last seven, eight years. I've grown, I've evolved, and I've even named these evolutions. I've named where I up, I've named my growth points and so the consistency of my identity and how I show up and who I am, my presence, for that to be just completely disregarded because of a relationship ended and the relationship didn't end badly. Like, I truly believe that a lot of the things, even arguments when we had disagreements, agreements, she wouldn't even look at me. Sometimes I gotta ask her, like, hey, look at me. Who are you talking to? Who, who, who is this about? Okay, I understand you're triggered, but is this trigger really something I did or is it from the past? And more often than not, it would be something reemerging from the past. And I feel like that's even what's happening here. There wasn't a chance to really blow up about exes and be negative and share feelings and release the intensity of emotion about past partners, and it wasn't able to be received. It wasn't able to be experienced. It wasn't able to be witnessed by other people. And I'm watching that real time, man. I've had to watch that, and I had to, like, just do nothing. So sit, bite my tongue. And I think that after my trip in Canada, processing that, talking to my therapist, speaking to my friends, reconnecting with the. The. The women around me that keep me grounded, I let myself get ungrounded. And those relationships that I've had with women have been threatening the women who see me. And that. That even saying that, like, I'm feeling the tightness in my chest, like, as I say that, because even me being seen by other people was an issue in our relationship. Yeah. I never forget a conversation that we had where, like, I'm trying to be emotionally vulnerable and expressive the same way that I am on the podcast. Like, so many times I've just been able to process things on my podcast and just say them, and it resonate with somebody. They reach out, we have a conversation about it, and I gain perspective. I become a little more aware of who I am, just a little bit. Right. And I remember that being a problem. Like, I get shut down by the person I'm trying to spend the rest of my life with for trying to articulate and use language that I don't have. And again, like, to say that I was emotionally manipulated, and that word is so closely tied to abuse. Like, that. That is a blow to my ego, and I've kept that to myself. Yeah, man, I was emotionally manipulated. You know how much of a I sound like? I'm sorry if any health professionals still listening to this possibility podcast, like, I'm sorry, this ain't for y'. All. This is for the people who. This for the people who I need to. I need to be myself. And I've not been. I've been transforming into. And I, you know, I look at how stars are born, right? Like, if we are just light particles and stardust, it's friction, it's heat, it's pressure. And what I experienced, you know, in hindsight from the relationship is friction and heat and pressure. Emotionally, you know, there wasn't any physical stuff at all. You know, I hate how I've heard her talk about, like, our sex life in a podcast, and I'm like, yo, I talk to you about these things. Things. And that has never come up. Like, who I am and how I am, like, has been affirmed as I've allowed myself to share with people close to me, like, specific points in the relationship, and they're like, Courtney, this don't sound like it was all you. And to be witnessed in that way, to be heard in that way, right? Like, it was still uncomfortable for me because I'm like, no, but she said, like, that. She said that I did this. She said I didn't do that. And even just the timing and wording of things, man, me up, it, me up. Because, like, there was so many just over, like, some of the responses to things did not seem warranted. And just recalling specific experiences. Like I said, 93%, 93% of the relationship was good. That's an A. That's enough for me to want to continue the relationship and work on and work through things. And, you know, as we started talking about, like, couples therapy, as we started talking about, like, hey, you know, you haven't met my family, it was kind of like, oh, like, now, now, now things is getting hard. Let me, Let me get out of this. Let me. I need to hit the reset button. And I started to just, like, just hear things. She would tell me, told me what I wanted to hear, but there wasn't any action behind it. And I had the action behind all my, all my action showed that I wanted to be there, but the words weren't there. It's just such an opposite thing. So I, I, I am confused. I'm confused as. And I'm, I'm reading things on Reddit about mental disorders, and I caught myself going down a rabbit hole, and I'm like, yo, oh, I cried when I read something. Some of these posts of, like, damn, is that what I experienced? I think that I ain't gonna say this. I'm not gonna say what, you know, I think it is, but the emotional manipulation looks like something that is out of my control, that I can't heal. And I, I being around the family, like, I didn't expect to be talked about the way that I've been talked about online because it wasn't done with the ex with the previous partner. And that, that, that sucks. That hurts. It hurts for real. Especially after saying, hey, this is a, like, this is my fear. This is a thing that if it happens, I wouldn't like that. And I, I had an ex. One of my, like, first girlfriends, she had attempted suicide, and I, she left me, like, this cryptic message, and I was like, something don't feel right about this. So I made some phone. I made a phone call and later found out that that intervention might have been what got them to her in time to be able to save her. And I think that that is an experience that I call upon or I. That that comes to mind when I think about, like, saving people. You know, I do get messages from people that are like, you know, I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end it all. And now here, like, here I am. I found this podcast. I heard this story, like, you saved me. And I've developed an identity around that, around saving people. Like, literally, like, saving lives according to what's been said to me. And here I am, like, taking as much accountability as I can and seeing that there. There's not. I'm not gonna get that. I'm not gonna get that. And so bringing this all back to what my fear has been, has been this, like, not at all. The thing about it, y', all, is once you have encountered the scariest thing that you think can happen to you, the worst thing that you think can happen to you, when you come out on the other side of that, like, now what. Now what are you scared of? And I'm on the other side of that because I have still been supported. I have still been, you know, just the universe been bringing me the things that I need, all the money that I lost, y'. All. What's crazy is I. I didn't know how I was gonna make it. I think I had, like, all of $3,000 to my name after I moved back home, but when I moved out there, like, I had down payment for a house. And she don't talk about this. Like, I was looking for houses with this woman for her. Her. For her mom to be able to live right next to us so we can get the planning of having a family, being a family. I was ready. I filled out the paperwork. I filled out the paperwork for a house. And you tell the. I get you anything for your anniversary. For our anniversary, despite you not wanting our anniversary on that day. Like, I was so adaptable, and I. You know what? I hate to say this, but red pill, manosphere stuff has consistently said, right, women will test you for your integrity. You cannot change and conform for the person that you're with. And I said that. I was like, no, no, that ain't. That ain't true. That ain't real. And my fear of being looked at as an. Kept me from being respected in my relationship. So now the disrespect might be happening, like, retroactively online. Like, that's. That's the most disrespectful you can do. Like, I have. I have sent messages to people. People. Oh, my God. Like, that. She's Told me to S. Because my initial response was not mean enough or wasn't, like, stern enough. You know, things. But no, thanks. Should be, like, good enough. Like, all right, cool. It's done. I said no. I said no in the way that I've learned to say no based on the career field that we both in. Like, we got the same terminology and knowledge, but I recognize there's so many different, like, differences in how we approach things. I'm from the Midwest, she's from the east coast, heterosexual, and she's queer. I'm a man, she's a woman. There's cultural black backgrounds, right? Like, there's so many things there that I've been holding on to. And for my. My girl to Delia shout out to the elders, first peoples of the land, she brought this to my attention. And, you know, as I feel into my body, into my nervous system right now as I'm talking about this, like, it does feel different than when I've tried to talk about it in the past or when I've tried not to. To talk about it in the past. And it just, like, I. I felt like, no, this ain't it. This ain't it. But this feels like it. This feels like one that I can actually publish and post because it's so. Like, it is relevant to. And I thought it wasn't. I was like, no, this ain't relevant. Like, let me keep that out of here. Don't nobody need to know what about. Don't nobody give a. About. Courtney was kind of the story that I was telling myself. And, you know, people come here for herpes stuff, but that ain't the case, and the numbers reflect it. But also, I need to be responsible for a. Like, I can't save everybody, but what I can do is transmute stigma into healing. The same way the sun. All the sun does is turn hydrogen to helium, and in turn, it's created a gravity from its consistency to where planets and moons have aligned themselves accordingly. It's been an appropriate alignment in orbit. So we get sunlight, we get heat, we get gravity, we get an orbit, we get a planet, we get life. And in that same way, the same way that the sun turns hydrogen to helium, Courtney's turning stigma into healing, and the stigma that I'm turning into healing, it's just, this is my job. For me to hold that rhythm, for me to hold that truth, for me to hold that intention. I can't let nothing come keep me from doing that. I tried to stop doing that and turn men's emotional wellness into healing or trying to turn what I have learned into men's emotional wellness. That ain't what I do. Imagine if the sun was like, oh, you know, that person over there is burning. Let me move a little bit so, so it's not too hot for that person. Whole solar system would be up. We'd have all these natural disasters, trying to orient ourselves to the abrupt change of the sun. After the sun for so long just stayed in one place, doing what it does. We become dependent on it, right? And when it moves, the planet's got to move and now it's got to recalibrate. So we'll see all types of natural disasters. Hell, the planet might flip, float off from the orbit, and then bam, just become a big ass floating ball of ice until it finds a new orbit somewhere. Same thing for me, this breakup, my last relationship, and then, you know, someone that I saw after that tested my integrity. It was an integrity test of me being who I am. And this is me taking accountability. I did change. So it's important for me that I get back into my groove, get back into my rhythm. For eight years, eight years, I pumped out a weekly podcast episode and, you know, I let myself be in the position to say to myself, you know what, maybe 400 podcast episodes is enough. Maybe, maybe this is enough. Maybe it's time for me to do something different. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna start this family. Let me do things that make money. That's what I wanted. I really, I really, I really wanted that. It ain't that I wanted to want that. Like, I loved the person that I was with. I was loving the person that I be, I was becoming. And I still love them. And that's true. Like, despite, you know, the talked, despite the, the, the, the pain that, and the aftermath of the relationship that I experienced, like, I kept that bottled in until very recently where I just shared, like, I was depressed. I didn't even know I was depressed. I got stuck, I got stagnant. And nothing I wasn't able to do, I wasn't able to work. There were a couple of things that were lined up that I had to do. And you know what else? It, it hurt me for a while that I lost my home to a tornado. A tornado took my home away. And I know she knew, knew about it. She didn't reach out to me. Like, after everything that I was there for, the way that our relationship ended was not terrible. It was not on bad terms. It put her in an uncomfortable situation. And unfortunately, some people are the kind of people who thrive in discomfort and chaos. And she went for me, taking care of everything like I was taking care of her. But, like, she broke up with me, and it's not even over anything that I did. I did what she asked me to do. And as soon as, you know, throughout the relationship, boundaries will come according to your boundaries, according to your boundaries. And then, like, the one thing, like, which it felt like leading to, hey, I don't want you talking to this person no more. After I didn't cut off all these other people, after I done stopped talking to these people, I've, like, stepped back from and, you know, eliminated a lot of, I don't know, competition or people who would have pointed out, like, hey, Courtney, this might not be healthy. Like, this is the one. No. And now the whole narrative just changed. And even then, like, I don't know that there was anything that I could have done different or could have done right or, like, even doing what was asked of me, me was wrong. And I'm letting that go now. I'm letting go of filtering myself. You know, I always say, like, being in love is always worth the risk of heartbreak. And I got my heart broken. I can name that. And. And that don't mean that I don't love her. That don't mean that I can't love her. I just. I recognize now I can't love her and experience her presence. You know, apparently, I don't deserve that no more, and it's okay. You know, my therapist said something to me, man. I had him say it to me two more times because I wanted to actually receive that. He said, your life will not be as prosperous as it is right now. She was in it. Had a friend asked me. He was like, is your life better right now that she's not in it than when she was in it? And I hate. I hate the answer to that question, because it's, yes, it is. But I had. I had fun. Like, me and her had fun. We had a lot of fun together, and we loved each other. And I know despite what she said, there was a lot of healing that took place in that relationship. And I hope that she can remember it, because I know one of the things that trauma does is, like, we block out. And I'm not. I'm feeling all that. I'm feeling the arguments. I remember there were times where I had to leave despite, you know, abandonment fears that she had. And also remember her coming and being like, hey, I was wrong. I apologize. And that made me feel like yes. Progress. Yes. Closer. Like, let's do this. We doing this. This is what a relationship is. And that had me hype. I felt like I had superpowers. I felt, I felt like I could run two non profits, be in yoga therapy, school, pay the majority of the bills, still work my genital exams job, still host events and support her and what her endeavors were, regardless of what they were. Even vlog. Like, I, I supported her through all the things that she wanted to do. Oh my God. So this is, this is my experience of letting go. We gotta let the go. We got to. I gotta let go of needing the, the feeling of needing to be liked by everybody. I gotta let go of, you know, trying to save everybody and thinking that everybody's going to do the right thing and that I'm gonna get accountability. I gotta let that go. I'm gonna be the villain in somebody's story, but I'll be damned if I'm the villain in my own. And my own insecurities of not being liked or my insecurity of being used, my fear of somebody, like coming along and presenting me with the, the like, oh, you know, accordingly. I like these things too. You know, we, we watched anime together. I don't even think she liked that, that we was watching now looking it back like, oh my God, I just feel played. I feel used. I feel played. And first thing she'll say is, I didn't ask you to do nothing that you shouldn't have to. To. You shouldn't have to ask your man to, to like pick up where you're maybe like, I don't want to say slacking, but like, support you, man. I supported everything she did. And I'm getting, I've gotten. Because I don't know if it's still happening. I just, I haven't looked. I've heard things recently and I guess that's the plan. Like, I'm not supposed to hear any of this stuff because some of this just ain't the full truth. And I hate that people enable that man. Like, oh, you know, people grieve in their own way. You don't see me on her. And like, especially for me being a black man in this field, like, for nobody to be like, hey, you know, this don't look good. And it's happened before where somebody I haven't even met said things about me that people. I don't know if these people believed it, but I know that it affected. I know who did have to reach out to me and ask about it. I don't know who doesn't, I don't know who didn't. So I, I, my thing is, man, if we gonna tell the truth, like let's tell the whole truth, but I'm not gonna get that. And that's what Sedalia, that's what I've learned that I need to let go of. I went to go see her the next day and I told her I was like, I'm ready. Because I thought what I needed to let go of was my attachment to my home that I lost in the tornado traumatizing event. And what I also thought I needed to let go of was my relationship that I have with my ex. But I had done that. Like I've let go of like her body, her physical body and her emotional attachment into me. Like the emotional claws or puppetry that manipulated me. But it wasn't until I was able to just say it out loud and have it be witness for me to be like, man, if this wasn't emotional manipulation, I don't know what it is. And I marketed myself as emotional wellness practitioner as somebody that is emotionally intelligent and I was manipulated. And I also just realized that I didn't complete a thought that I was having earlier as far as like the, the blessings go. So, you know, I'd lost a lot of money and not doing what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to move to New York. I was called to it. I was supposed to be busting my ass here and working and it didn't happen or it didn't happen. I moved to New Jersey. I spent like $6,000 to move into my own place in New Jersey. When I moved to New York just now, I just had to pay rent, pay $1,000. And I was paying rent for a place that I was not really at when I was in New Jersey because that's what she wanted. She was like, hey, I think we should live separate for a while. All right, cool. Paying for us to go like on little, little dates, like just going out to eat like pop ups and inviting her family out. Like I was a good ass boyfriend. Taking care of the car, like taking care of the cats. Come on, bro. Come on, Courtney. Oh my God. And I'll be damned if I sit over here and let myself grieve and be said, somebody called me out the other day. She's like, courtney, when you gonna stop posting all this sad, boy? I was like, man, listen, the last when I was in Canada, she was supposed to be there with me. She was supposed to be there with Me. And even when we broke up, she told me she was still going. She's like, I'm still going. I'm gonna make it work. Nope. More of just, like, telling me that I wanted to hear. And the action's not lining up. So. Yeah, one thing about Courtney is I don't make the same exact mistake twice, you know, but I can't. I can't live off, like, verbal promises. And, you know, right now, I have the healthiest relationships around me. I have the best relationship that I've had with my family. You know, I. I get to see that modeled in the people who are close to me. And that was one of the things that I thought. I thought I was like, damn, you know, I love this. I love this woman for these things. I love the relationship that she has with her family. I love that she didn't talk about her ex online, like, when we got together. I love how she carried herself. I love that she thought for herself. I love that she was so independently thinking. I love that she seemed to know who she was. And even in those moments of pivots and changing things, like, I was supportive in that, like, there were no changes and pivots until I feel like I got there and gave her the freedom to do that. Like, okay, I don't want to do this anymore. I also don't want to do this anymore. I also don't want to do this anymore. Right. To be able to eliminate things just, like, in the relationship, for me, I was like, okay, I don't need to have as many of the partners as I have because I won't have the capacity for it. And for her, it was just, like, the things that she was doing. I loved watching her be passionate. I loved. Watch her, you know, do these events. I like watching her cut the music on and make her candles. I loved how excited she got whenever she had a coaching call. Like, just watching her thrive, like, I. I got compersion. Compersion from that. And, man, I just feel like in hindsight, like, she secretly hated me, man. And I had a. I've had exes who have told me, hey, I'm jealous that you found the thing that you're supposed to do, and I don't know what it. What mine is. And it's like, well, let's learn from each other. Let's explore. Well, everybody ain't built like that. Everybody. That's not what everybody wants. And I'm. I'm. I'm letting go. I'm letting go of that because I. I got People who need me and you know, I'm not doing what I do because people need me. I'm doing what I'm doing because this is just what I do. Transforming still stigma into healing and whatever comes out of that. If relationships are born because someone now has learned the stars method of disclosure or they done, they've been able to find statistics that the person they presented to are comfortable enough with and they go on to a relationship and get married and have kids if that's what they want, or if they just, you know, want to be with somebody and travel the world together or just have like a simple life, these are the things that can be born out of me. Transmuting stigma into healing for people to be at a place where they're comfortable enough themselves to be able to put themselves out there, put yourself out there. You know, we're individual atoms looking to form molecules with somebody. And I don't think anybody who's listening to this is not looking to form a relationship with somebody because I mean, that's really, you know, the, the stigma piece is about community and how we connect with people because that's what the healing is. And there's so much of my own insecurities that, that come from stigma, like fragmenting myself into these different, like aspects of self. Past version of self, future version of self, everything but a present version of me. I've been all these things except that. And I think that that's where that me being depressed can came from. Whenever I stopped doing something positive for positive people, I recognized in my life there's a lot more resistance there. I burn out fast. I remember when I was doing all these grant applications, I was burning the out because I was trying to be able to get enough money to be able to just do this, to just do the podcast, to be able to host these support groups, to be able to put events on so we can get together in person. And you know, I feel like even just I, my exes compromised that like how easy it would have been for me to work with certain people to bring things together. And now I got to do this on my own. But it's all right. Like, I'm good, I'm gonna be good. That's one thing about me. I ain't never lost my confidence in myself and my ability to start, start over in my ability to take some type of failure and transmute it into success. I can take, you know, I could take a L, and this is a big L. I moved across the country for this woman and moved closer to her than where I actually was called to be. I need to close this out. But I listen to no more Mr. Nice Guy. And I was talking to her about, like, hey, I'm gonna start doing these things. I'm gonna start setting boundaries. And that's where all hell broke loose. Talk about that. Talk about how, you know, you had a problem with me not having boundaries. And then when I start to do the. The work to address the things that you bringing up to me, this is where you push me away. Like, I got pushed away, and I didn't have language for this until I stepped away, and I actually started talking to the people that represent what she didn't want me to be involved with. So my life is good. My life's good right now. And I felt so guilty, man. I felt guilty for how good my life has been, and it's been difficult for me to receive. I have deeper relationships with people that weren't in my life for a while. I'm establishing new connections and relationships with people that have wanted to be closer to me that I just haven't let. And all I can do, man, is just. I receive the love and give to people who want to receive it and stop trying to force my love on people who don't want it. Stop trying to shift my. I'm trying to use the sun analogy again, but, like, try not to shift my heat in a way that cools somebody else off. Or try and, like, shift my rotation as the sign so that you can get a little bit more light. Or if the sun hurts your eyes, like, all right, let me get away a little bit. So maybe, you know, you don't. You don't have too much light, so you can see better the minute the sun start trying to change for one person, individual, whatever, Whatever. That's when hit the fan. And what I need to be looking for in partners or, like, somebody who's going to be here full time, is that kind of support. Like, she hate. She told me she hated what I do. The thing that she loved about me the most in the beginning, she's like, I just love how happy you are. And then at the end of the relationship, like, telling me, like, why you? Well, why are you so happy all the time? Like, I. I just. Oh, you so positive all the time. Oh. And it's like, dude, I thought this was what you wiped. It's like, I was dating somebody. I remember one of my exes, she asked. She asked me something, and I did the thing. We talked about it, and then she said, it again, I. I remember just ask. I looked her dead in the face. I was like, hey, yeah, because I have family members with mental health stuff. I was like, yo, are you bipolar? Because I remember also seeing, like, some medication. She just looked like a deer in the headlights. So why'd you say that? I was like, like, I'm just asking. And then that was, like, the end of the conversation. And then shortly after that, we broke up. So, like, I have done a good job of not bringing my past trauma and experiences in relationships in the future to be, like, bringing up mental health or, like, making any kind of assumptions, but it. It feels familiar in that it ain't. No, it ain't. It ain't got to do with me. And when we got close, that's when that relationship ended. Then the relationship ends. And as I go through the process of moving on, all hell breaks loose. And now I'm seeing that again and again, again. And it scared me. It scared me that I'm as open and vulnerable about my life on here. So that's why I haven't been sharing my personal experience. That's why I haven't wanted to share the successes. Like, it's so much easier for me to just share and, like, stay in that negative and stay humble because I felt like, yeah, if I were to talk about how good my life is, my ex is going to take that and turn it into a YouTube series. She's gonna take that and turn it into a post to our mutual shared communities and imma just get on and, you know, whenever we post, like, I get DMS for stuff that I post and it turns into more like, deeper intimate conversations where, yeah, there is the opportunity, I'm sure, for more elaboration or more of a story to be told that probably ain't got to do with me. Again, like, there will be arguments we have. And I'm like, yo, who are you talking to? Who are you talking from? Like, are you here with me right now? Are you present with me right now? Are you able to look at me? I had to tell her, look at me not. Whoever planted this seed of trauma in you, because I was present. I don't give a what she say. I was present for that relationship, and I loved every part of her, and I love intensely. And that's why this broken breakup hit so hard. And the hardest thing that I had to do was do nothing. And that has. That's been what got me through. Talk to her. Talk to her dad. I was like, hey, I'm. I'm Hearing like, I hate you. I love you. Why aren't you trying leave me alone? Like, what do I do? What do I do? He told me, he said, best thing you can do is leave. Leave her alone. And I've left her alone since. And I've been having to just fight the demons of a demons that said Benny the Butcher got a song. He said I had to slay dragons. I thought I was fighting demons. Oh, man, that's what this feels like. My insecurities. Ain't no demons. These is dragons. I'm talking house of dragons dragons. And I'm over. I just got brass knuckles. And it ain't me versus her. It's not. It never is. It's me versus me. And when I had this spiritual experience, there was a little bit more to it. But just speaking to the letting go process, man, I. My inner child. It was my inner child that the story for me. You know, I. If you've listened to this for a while, you know that my. My grandmother, my. My father's mom, I. I hear. I've heard stories, you know, after she passed that she fought for me. That she fought for me to be born because my mom's parents wanted her to get an abortion. She's 17 and pregnant, rightfully on the table. But hearing that and learning that about myself, I think that it made me. I know that it made me feel like I needed to prove that I deserve to be here. And that's why we have so many something positive for positive people. That's why we have nice guy Courtney. That's why I don't even think I'm like a nice guy. Yes, I am textbook. No boundaries, you know, like putting everybody else's needs first. And I've been struggling. I've had people, Courtney, what do you want? What can I do for you? And it has been so vulnerable of me to like, ask for what I want. But more vulnerable than that has been to say, I don't know. It was not safe for me in my last relationship to not know because. And even as a kid, it wasn't safe for me to say, I don't know. That would get me in trouble. So I had to, like, say something, find out what the other person wants, say what they want to hear, and then make that true. My behaviors, it's like in. In this book, psycho cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Moss, he said, human beings, the thing that we do is we don't make right or wrong decisions. We make decisions and then we make them right. We follow up the Choice with actions. And that's what I did. That's what I did. That's what I know to do. And I made a choice to prove my grandma right. Grandma. Yeah, I'm a. I'm gonna be the best thing that you supported and brought into this world because you loved me when I wasn't here. Patricia Ann Johnson. Her funeral was on my 12th or 13th birthday, and I can't remember no more. I think she died in 2000. So November 10th would have been November 10th in 2000. I got to do this. The oldfashioned. 89, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 12th birthday. My grandmother died on my. Or her funeral was on my 12th birthday. And I've been holding on to that. I've been holding on to needing to prove her, to tell her thank you. I will never get to tell my grandmother thank you. And. And look what I become. And that spiritual experience, like, my ex. My ex, even, she listened. She was so tactical. She got me something representative of my relationship with my grandmother. Like, there were glimpses in there. I don't know. I don't know who this person is that I'm not in a relationship anymore with. But I love her, too, because that's what you do when you love somebody, you love them, and it's unconditional. My love don't come with conditions. My love will come with more with presence. And when start getting unhealthy, it will come with absence. And that ain't no. That's not manipulative to your abandonment issues. But, like, there have been times where I had to do that. I had to reward behaviors with my absence. And it was in those moments that I got accountability. But I'll never forget her for getting that gift from me. And, you know, the. I think one of the straws that broke the camel's back for that recognition that I was depressed was when I went back to my house after the tornado and I couldn't go in to find that Pokemon card that my ex got me. That was what. The last memory that I had of my grandmother. She got me that. I don't. I don't know what she had to do to get it. I don't care what she had to do to get it, but she got that for me. And that was so heartfelt for me. Like, even now, like, my eyes watering as I think about that. Like, that that's who I was in a relationship with for most of the relationship. And there were just, like, seemingly episodes of this intense dysregulation and identity change or identity confusion. But I was there. I was there for all of it. And I would have been there for the rest of my life for it. Because when I make a fucking choice, that's what I do. So I wish her well, but I gotta let go. I gotta let go for that. That my own inner child. And Sedalia gave me a feather. She said that, you know, this. This just fell from the box. She looked at it. She's like, oh, I'll leave it here. She didn't know why I fell. When I showed back up, she didn't expect me. She was like, you know what? I think I know why this fell. Now take care of this. Take this eagle feather. Take it everywhere with you. Let it be a reminder of your inner child. That little boy. That little boy that needed to prove that he deserved to be here. That little boy that had to even be his mom's emotional boyfriend. That little boy that was protected by his grandmother. Like, that's who I'm here for. And that little boy has been unseen for so long because I. I wanted to be needless. I painted myself as a target for anybody who wanted somebody that was emotionally something vulnerable. I guess I made myself a target the way that I talked about myself. And now I think that I have a lot more self awareness and knowledge of who I am as a person to be able to go. Go back to that little boy. Not. Not me at 12. Who's. My grandma's funeral was on my 12th birthday. Maybe even younger than that. But I think I've been stuck in. Damn. Like, my grandma fought for me to be here. Let me. Let me pay her back. My buddy aj, I told him, I was like, we. We doing. We going on a trip. And I offered to pay for something that we're doing at the trip. And he. He was like, man, you ain't got to do that. It's like. And I just came out and told him. I was like, yo, I got an insecurity. Let me go ahead and name this. I recognize that I don't feel like I can always contribute because I have great friends. Like, I got friends that are doing very well for themselves, financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. Like, physically doing very well. And sometimes I don't feel like I can contribute enough. Mouth, right? Like, we'll go out, be buying drinks out the ass. And, you know, I usually. My strategy is when we go out, I get the first round or when it. When it's like a few of us I do that. And yeah, I just said it. I was like, man, I just feel like when I can contribute, I want to. He was like, man, look, I can do that. Like, do things can't nobody do. Can't nobody else be you. And like, that's what I, that's, that's what I'm here for. And that, like, I, I just felt that I got some good ass friends, man. My buddy Carl, I talked to him the other day and he asked me, he was like, you know, why do you. It felt like it sounded initially like somebody could interpret it as, you know, being judgmental, but he was like, you know, why, why do you date multiple women? Or why do you have multiple relationships? I was like, honestly, like, they just treat me well. Like, it's. These are healthy relationships. I'm supported, I'm challenged, and I'm celebrated by these people. I'm loved on by these people. There's intimacy there. Like, I ain't out here just catching bodies. Like, I want intimacy. And he was like, there you go. Like, I was expecting, I don't know what I was expecting. He's talking to me. He was telling me some advice that he had gotten from somebody. He was like, people like me and him who grew up the way we grew up and turned out the way we turned out, like, it's hard for people to just unconditionally love us for anything other than what we do. I'm surrounded by people who don't. They can give, they can give two about what I do. It's who I am. And like, I can't put that into words. I can only put that in the energy. And when I went to that, that healing thing and that lady was like, yo, you holding on to. You gotta let that go. For me to have been as heavy as I was unconsciously with no awareness for the, the people who are in my life, who were in my life during that depressive state. When I first moved back home, when I was at home for those two months after I lost my crib to the tornado, like, that's who was there for me. I was at the heaviest that I've ever been emotionally and energetically. I can't imagine what kind of weight I was putting on these people. And they still held me, they still supported me, they still created a safe space for me to not be present, for me to say, I don't know. He would ask me, you know what, what, what? Why you ain't with that girl? I don't fucking know. I'm confused because What I was presented with, that's not what stuck. And, you know, people ask me, like, oh, well, Courtney, I don't think you over. I, I am. I am over the relationship. I. I understand we're not getting back together. And there is grief. There is grief of just the confusion. Like, there's a desire for accountability. There's a desire for me to fix. Like, I, I just, I want to see her well. I want to see her well. And I gotta let go of wanting to see her at all. Like, that's hard. Like, the relationship. All right, the relationship's over. I let that go. But my friend, that was my. I gotta stop saying that now, too, because somebody told me, Carl said it. He was like, he wanted her to be your friend. That's what you wanted her to be. Some people ain't ready to be what we want them to be, and that's okay. And in her mind, I wasn't ready to be what she wanted me to be. But I showed up as I was. I showed up and I tried. I put effort into becoming what was asked of me. And it just sucks that, you know, the two people in the relationship that saw everything, that's not what's being expressed. And, like, I'm dealing with consequence. Ain't no consequences of her breaking up with me. Like, ain't no consequences to that. But there's consequences to me being broken up with, of people clearly treating me differently. I don't like that. And I, I, that's the thing that I gotta just let go. And, you know, I, I hope that whoever's listening to this, if you're able to tie this to herpes in some way or even, like, the, the grief relationship thing, like, this, this is me being as real as I possibly. How long has it been? Been an hour and a half, man. Is. I started this at 3:40 in the morning, and it's now. It's 5:15. I gotta get up in two hours. Y'. All, let me get. Let me bring this to a close. I. The purpose of this podcast was for me to come on and just be like, hey, I'm getting back to. Not. It's not getting back to. It's expressing that fear of somebody, like, hearing me be vulnerable, hearing me share my experiences and think to themselves, oh, if I want him or if I want something from him, all I got to do is this and I'll get it. Oh, please don't do that to me. I'm vulnerable. I. I think I'm. I'm in a good place Where I have, like, a solid support system around me to where, you know, I got accountability and a team of people that ain't gonna just let me let that happen. So I feel good in that, but I. I just gotta name that. I've been scared, y'. All. I've been acting from a place of fear that if I do share what's really going on with me, like, it'll be bad if it's not sad. Like, I'm supposed to be sad. I'm supposed to be hurt because this is who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And I don't know if she still checks in on me and sees things, the. The person that I've known her to be. She would. But also, like, if she's moved on, then she cutting off all ties, and there are no feelings for anything, anybody else, and that's what she focused on. So with that being the case, maybe, maybe not. So she might never hear this, so. Or she might. I don't. I can't give a. I gotta let go. And also got to be mindful, too, of, you know, like, anybody that I might work with in the future, y'. All. This is. This is me being who I am. And if you don't want to work with me because of me being who I am and me sharing what my truth is and being relatable to the community, like, that's what makes something positive so great is the community piece and how relatable I am and can be. I think that being in the relationship that I was in made me cut myself off from being relatable. If I came here and talked about what was happening in a relationship, maybe that would have been, like, a cry out that there was something going on. But I'm out of it. And I'm seeing my therapist, talking to my friends. I'm experiencing healthy relationship dynamics, and I'm stable. I'm in a home. I'm not bouncing around. I'm not displaced. I'm working. I go to work in two hours. So life's good. Things are good. I'm socializing. I went to a play party on Sunday, and it was. It was tight. It was cool. I just went and, like, talked to people and made friends. I was there for a few hours and got to hear some people getting their cheeks clapped. And it was nice. It was just a place, pleasant experience. We talking about how play parties are so cool because you can be, like, talking politics, and in the same conversation, like, you. You look over and you might see you Know, people having sex, you know, but it's been nice to be able to settle into doing the things that, you know, I. I guess I just got away from. But, like, I. Again, like, I pictured this person doing these things with me because this is who they presented themselves to be. I don't think I've ever not been consistent in who I am until I started trying to change. And those changes weren't for me. I thought they were for the best. I thought they were for me, but they were for her. And, you know, when you with somebody who don't know who they are and you trying to find an identity around that, like, you lose who you are. I known who I was, and I don't want to drift away from that anymore. So this what I do. And this is. This is who I am. I'm Courtney Warren, motherfucking brain. I'm the founder, executive director, podcast host of Something Positive for Positive People. I teach medical students to get genital exams. I teach health professionals, mental health, public health, sexual health, and educators about herpes stigma. And I'm. I'm sticking with that. And whenever I need, if people want to bring me in to do more, like, I. I got invited to do a talk on herpes and STIs for youth sexuality educators. It's something I would have normally brought my ex in for. I. I gotta let that go. So I'm. And also, I recognize my strong points. I'm talking about the herpes piece, and I'm bringing somebody in to talk about the sexuality, the STIs. That's what I'm gonna do. Like, that's. That's just how we do things. I'm adaptable and that's it. So, yeah, this is. I am sharing more personal stuff now moving forward. The professional stuff. The podcast ain't for that. The podcast is for me to connect with the community. A fundraising tool. So if y' all feel like things resonate and y' all want to make a donation, I highly encourage it. Because I. I ain't been able to pay myself this year to date. I have not paid myself through something positive for positive people. And I'm supposed to do that. My board members gonna be mad at me. We ain't had a board meeting, I think, since, like, March or April. So I. I gotta play catch up. Just because life been life. And I. I mentioned, you know, some deaths, my great grandmother being in the hospital, tornado, breakup, and processing that and moving. These have all been really big life changes. And just, like, stars, like, this is how Stars are born from pressure, heat and friction. And that's what has been happening for me. Coming through the other side of that, like, the depression is like the stillness, nothing happening, getting out of the depression. That's the pressure, the friction and the heat. Because that's where you gotta feel things. That's where you gotta. You gotta do some work, you gotta listen to yourself, you gotta do some hard stuff to get out of depression. And I, I'm. I'm grateful to have had that experience now, because now I can speak to it. I wasn't able to speak to depression before. It was something I couldn't relate to. I didn't have the privilege of being able to not get out of bed in the morning, of not being able to go to work, of not being creative or being able to produce anything or being stuck with just the bare minimum. I did the bare minimum. I got up, I would go to the gym, I'd drink my water, I'd cook and eat my food. And then that was all I had the energy for. And I wasn't creating work opportunities for myself. So I did what I had to do, what I could do. That's what I did. I did what I could do. Not even. I can't even say it was what I had to do. I did what I could, and that was the best I had. It feels really good to release this for myself. I welcome any, you know, feedback. If this is something that's been relatable to you, feel free to. You can email me, you can DM me if you follow me on Instagram, however you want to connect. But, yeah, this, this feels vulnerable. I'm gonna do some things to take care of myself so I can get through the day and you can expect more of this. Like, I don't want to talk about my ex anymore. I don't want to talk about the relationship anymore. If things come up conversationally, like, I'll speak about my past experiences, but I think that what I needed to let go of was anything I said warranting any sort of conflict, combating or attack or, like I said, being turned into content or made into some type of YouTube series or something. Something. And I'm over that. Like, I'm. I'm past the fear. I'm done being scared. I'm done being, you know, somebody that I. I can admit I feel emotionally manipulated. I can admit that I have an insecurity around being liked by everybody. I have an insecurity around proving that I deserve to be here. I have an insecurity about wanting to save everybody and wanting accountability. And also, like, I wasn't the only problem in the relationship. I give the relationship a 93%. The other seven is not mine. It's not. And I can't be there. I'm not gonna be the one to say, hey, I saw these things. Here's what I suggest. Like, let's do these things. It's not, it's not on me anymore. And there's a weight off of me for that. And I love her. I always will. I ain't gonna stop loving that girl. I don't give a what she said about me. Like, we shared an orbit together. We formed a molecule together, and the molecule split. And I, I, I just brought her in way too fast. I didn't see consistency in behavior. I just listened to the words. And then when the actions and words wasn't aligning, I was given a promise of, hey, they will align. If you just feel fix this thing. If you just change who you are, then what I say will become what I do. And then at that point, it would be become irrelevant because then I'll become somebody else, right? So no more. No more of that. I know who I am. I've known who I have been for a long time. I'm saying no to that. Don't align. And I'm saying yes to the that does. So I, I'm ready. I'm ready to get back into the swing of things, busting my ass working for y'. All. And again, just transmuting stigma into healing. Because that's what this work is. That's what this means to me. This is important. This is important to me. This is my purpose. This is my passion, you know, Purpose is what you have to do. Passion is what you want to do. And this is. This is a choice. It's a choice. And it's also like a soul calling. Like, I feel it in my nervous system when things align. I talk about the forward response, right? You know, that feeling you get in fight or flight. There's another action you can take from a place of choice, which is taking the energy and moving forward. Forward response. Move forward with that energy in the way that you choose to. That's not just an unconscious thing. So I'm letting go. I'm letting go of all that. I'm letting go of my insecurities and blessing this space now in a way that I believe allows for other people to experience themselves, experience their healing. Yeah, yeah, we, we. Oh, my mouth touched the mic. We letting go. You know, I want to hear what you letting go of. Yeah, how about that again? Tell me what it is that you're letting go of. All right, so with all that said, virtual support groups Monday nights, 7:30pm Eastern time. The first Monday of every month is a everybody group. The second Monday of the month is a men's herpes support group. The third and fourth Monday. These are gonna be ones where you have to donate to attend. The, the free ones are open to everybody. And I think that what I need to do is to be able to consistently deliver a greater quality, quality of like a quality based support where we can talk and cover, you know, everything for everybody. The questions that they have or the support that they want. So those two, at the end of the month, these are going to be paid. So you're either a regular donor and you're giving something, or you can drop in and make a donation. But I. These will be ones where people got to be vetted for. Because what happens sometimes is with the free support groups, people come one time, they dump their, and then you never hear from them again. So I, I want to protect the space in a way that feels good for everybody. So if you listen to me interview people on the podcast, I mean, that's basically what you get out of the support group is just the sharing, the reciprocity and the, the curiosity of experiences. Like we just go back and forth, sharing that and talking to, to each other. All right. And then what else is there? Yeah, if you go to the events tab on the site, you'll see that there's some upcoming stuff virtually and in person. I'll be a sex down south. September 4th through 7th, I'm hosting a herpes hangout where we get to just shoot the about herpes and have a discussion. It's a long block, so I'll try and break it up in a way that people are able to make it to other things that they might want to attend, but also still be able to get a good, good quality amount of time from something positive for positive people and the, the community. When we get to Sex down south, it'll be Saturday morning. I think it started like 8:45. I was like, damn, bro, you giving me the whole morning block, ain't you? But shout out to Marla, shout out to Tia from Sex now south for letting me have that space. Like, I really appreciate that, being able to facilitate that. And then I have the Midwest Love fest in Indianapolis, November 7th through 9th, March, the day before my birthday. My birthday is on the 10th. I'll be there I'll be doing the same thing, hosting a herpes hangout. There's going to be workshops. Going to be good opportunity to meet people, socialize, and, you know, you might meet. You might meet somebody and fall in love or something. So come through if you can. Yeah, I'm picking up some hobbies. I'm going to a zouk class tonight. Well, tonight, as in the time of this recording, going to a zoo class, which is some type of dance. I got to do more research on it before I get there because I don't want to be one of them appropriate nas. And then I'm back in my yoga. I'm connecting with and networking with people who apparently don't hate me in the sex education field. Yeah, like, hey, life is good on the other side of that depressive state that I was in. I don't want to let that happen no more. Like, I ain't. I ain't letting my anchors, you know, I ain't kicking my anchors to the curb no more. And I'm just appreciative of the people around me. I ain't got to name them. If you listening, you know who you are. And I just appreciate your consistency in my life and ongoing support, challenge, and celebration. Yeah, get ready to see a present me, because I ain't been myself for a minute. And so now, like, yeah, we, We. We get into a place of being positive. I can't run an organization called Something Positive for Positive People and not be a positive person myself. Last thing I'll say too, y', all, I apply for a job. It's an interim CEO position. I think it would be a great experience. I think it would offer a lot of wonderful resources as well. But the CEO of the American Sexual Health association is stepping down and they're looking for an interim CEO. The job description looks exactly like what I do for something positive for positive people. It's full time, it's virtual, and it's, It's. It's right up my alley. I'm qualified, so if I get the interview, it ain't no reason I shouldn't get the job. Not to be. Be cocky or anything like that, but, yeah, you all send the good vibes my way. All right, here we are damn near two hours later. If you listen this long, you a real. I appreciate you, but, yeah, till next time, you all stay present.