Podcast Summary:

Something Positive for Positive People
Episode 382: "Closed Mouths Don't Get Fed" featuring Goddess Bats
Host: Courtney Brame
Date: August 21, 2025

Overview

This stigma-forward episode explores the intersections of herpes disclosure, polyamory, queerness, sex work, rejection, and navigating shame, all through an affirming and authentic conversation between host Courtney Brame and guest Goddess Bats. Highlighting both personal stories and practical advice, the episode centers the importance of honest communication, community, and reclaiming wholeness from shame. Notions of presence, self-acceptance, and the normalization of sexual health conversations in both “vanilla” and sex-positive spaces are woven throughout.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origins and Openness: Meeting and Mutual Advocacy

• How They Met: Courtney and Bats met in a rope class at a community space in NYC, connecting over shared openness around STI awareness on social media ([01:12]).
• Public Disclosure: Bats describes becoming more open about HSV-1 following a collaborative podcast and social media reel with Safe Slut, which made their status more public than they'd planned ([02:30]).
  • Quote: “I don’t usually disclose it that publicly, which probably comes from a plethora of things — internal shame and mind your business.” – Bats ([03:00])

2. Stigma, Shame, and Educating Others

• Herpes Disclosure as Education Rather Than Activism:
  • Bats frames their public disclosures as spreading awareness, primarily to correct misconceptions in one-on-one or small-group contexts ([04:07]).
  • Example: Helping a client process HSV-1 without blame, offering information about symptoms, prevalence, and why testing isn’t routine ([05:04]-[07:32]).
  • Quote: “I think when at least when I heard that stat [HSV prevalence], it was really reassuring…Although religion or other people who are just ignorant may want to shame me … I’m not [alone].” – Bats ([07:28])

3. Diagnosis Stories and Early Experiences

• Bats’ Experience:

  • Contracted HSV-1 as a child via familial contact; mother’s open attitude minimized Bats’ shame ([08:59]-[11:14]).
  • Learned cold sores were herpes in high school sex education — reflected on how much a supportive environment shaped feelings about the diagnosis ([10:29]).

• Courtney’s Experience:

  • Felt isolated at first, only later discovering friends with herpes after disclosing ([07:48]-[08:21]).
  • Quote: “It took for me to get through the other side of shame and embarrassment…” – Courtney ([08:22])

4. Polyamory, Queerness, and Herpes Disclosure in Dating

• Bats describes ongoing learning in disclosure, especially after a misstep at a play party where they’d assumed herpes was normalized ([11:41]-[13:41]).

  • Quote: “Just because I think something is super normal … isn’t a reality for a lot of people. So that was a big learning lesson for me to remember to disclose whether or not I think someone would care.” – Bats ([12:00])

• On being rejected: Bats has never been explicitly rejected for disclosure but discusses types of general rejection (ghosting, explicit "no," etc., [14:33]).

• Navigating bisexual/queer identity in dating:

  • Initiates with both men and women, noting men are more direct in rejection, women more likely to ghost ([15:44]-[16:49]).
  • Quote: “I do make the first move to a lot of men … I didn’t realize that most femme presenting people don’t make the first move with men.” – Bats ([15:44])

5. Sex-Positive & Play Party Culture

• Comparison of sex-positive "play parties" and "vanilla" spaces:
  • Consent is foregrounded, "game" is irrelevant ([18:49]).
  • Describes throwing house parties where sex is permitted, demystifying the experience for newcomers ([21:31]-[22:28]).
  • Bats emphasizes open communication and the importance of people knowing what to expect ([24:40]).
• Disclosure at play parties:
  • In pickup play, sexual health status is typically negotiated just before intimacy; Bats usually initiates these conversations ([26:14]-[28:45]).

6. Sex Work, Testing, and Navigating Stigma

• Bats is open about doing partnered sex work, striving for transparency but noting industry norms stigmatize herpes far less than "vanilla" dating ([43:44]-[44:05]).
• Discusses industry-standard STI testing (every 14 days), including tests not commonly known in the general population (e.g., mycoplasma) ([47:10]-[48:29]).
  • Quote: “If you’re vanilla but having a lot of sex, you should also test for mycoplasma because you probably have it…” – Bats ([45:02])
• Addresses the misperception that sexually liberated people are “less careful”:
  • “A lot of people … try to shame people who are more sexually liberated, or positive, when really...they’re usually the people who are the most conscious.” – Bats ([49:50])

7. Intersections of Identity: Family, Culture, Religion, and Shame

• Raised in a Dominican, Catholic household in NYC, Bats reflects on shame from religion and family, decoupling practice from inherited ideology ([33:35]-[39:06]).

  • Open with immediate family about queerness, polyamory, and sex work; dialogue includes both acceptance and residual stigma ([39:34]-[40:11]).
  • “I feel like on the Internet, I’m pretty open about what I do. And if you go to at actually bats, it’ll be pretty clear.” – Bats ([39:48])

• Family support is qualified: supportive of safety/stability but not public about Bats’ work or identity ([50:41]-[51:01]).

• Bullying and boundaries:

  • Much of Bats’ shame came from “playful” teasing at home; distinguishes teasing from disrespect based on repeated boundary crossing ([51:23]-[52:37]).

8. Grounding, Presence, and Growth

• Bats credits therapy and self-reflection for their calmness and grounded approach to life, jealousy, and rejection ([54:16]-[62:15]).

  • Uses tools like reality-testing anxious thoughts, re-centering after rejection, and maintaining supportive friend circles ([54:16]-[64:06]).
  • Quote: “Your anxieties are just thoughts and aren’t your reality.” – Bats ([69:30])

• Navigates jealousy in an open/polyam relationship using open communication and reframing ([64:06]-[67:03]).

9. Initiative, Agency, and “Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed”

• Bats explains their proactive approach to dating and self-advocacy ([56:33]-[57:11]).
  • Quote: “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” – Bats ([56:39])
  • Initiating as a femme-presenting person is empowering and typically well received, especially by men ([57:04]).
  • Contrasts with cultural fear among men of public rejection and being “aired out” on social media ([58:33]-[61:21]).
• Emphasizes the importance of taking risks and dispelling myths that others won’t be interested because of status or other identities ([61:21]).

10. Final Reflections and Message

• Bats’ closing thoughts: all humans deal with anxiety, but it isn’t reality; passionate about humanizing sex workers ([69:30]-[70:14]).
• Invitation for listeners to connect via Instagram @actuallybats ([70:17]).

Notable Quotes

• On STIs and Disclosure:
  “Just because I think something is super normal ... isn’t a reality for a lot of people. So that was a big learning lesson for me…” – Bats ([12:00])

• On Sex Work and Stigma:
  “A lot of people … try to shame people who are more sexually liberated, or positive, when really...they’re usually the people who are the most conscious.” – Bats ([49:50])

• On Rejection and Growth:
  “It’s not that personal … Just because this one person…has rejected me doesn’t diminish anything about me.” – Bats ([30:33])

• On Initiative:
  “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” – Bats ([56:39])

• On Anxiety and Self-Acceptance:
  “Your anxieties are just thoughts and aren’t your reality.” – Bats ([69:30])

Important Timestamps

• 00:36 — Goddess Bats introduces themself: artist, entrepreneur, polyamorous, queer, based in NYC
• 02:12 — Bats discusses growing openness about HSV-1 status after creating content with Safe Slut
• 05:04 — Example of compassionate correction and education post-diagnosis
• 11:41 — Bats on navigating herpes disclosure in polyamory and play party cultures
• 15:44 — On initiating with men and women in dating
• 19:36 — Play party consent culture versus "vanilla" dating
• 26:14 — Sexual health negotiations before play at parties
• 39:34 — Openness with immediate family about polyamory, sex work, and queerness
• 47:10 — Frequency and expectations of STI testing in porn industry; introducing mycoplasma testing
• 54:16 — Tools for staying grounded: anxiety management, therapy outcomes
• 56:39 — The episode title’s message: “Closed mouths don’t get fed.”
• 69:30 — Final reflections: on anxiety, sex work, and self-acceptance

Additional Notes

• Bats runs @actuallybats on Instagram and previously co-hosted "Consensual Carnage" podcast.
• Courtney provides support and resources for people with herpes through SPFPP.org.

This summary captures the open, compassionate, lightly humorous, and deeply stigma-busting tone of this episode, offering practical takeaways for anyone navigating sex, disclosure, and self-acceptance in any context.