Podcast Summary

Podcast: Something Positive for Positive People
Episode 384: Can You Be Nonmonogamous if You Have Herpes?
Host: Courtney Brame
Date: September 9, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Courtney Brame explores the intersections between herpes stigma, polyamory, nonmonogamy, and personal healing. Drawing from his own lived experiences and recent revelations at the Sex Down South conference, he delves into how shame, identity, disclosure, and self-acceptance are woven into the fabric of dating and relationship dynamics, especially for those living with herpes. The episode focuses on practicalities and personal reflections on navigating nonmonogamous relationships healthily, with emphasis on deep communication, boundary-setting, and personal growth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reflections from Sex Down South Conference

• Conference Experience: Attending was both challenging and healing due to personal associations (past relationships began there) and current growth.
• Notable Workshop - “Banging Outside the Binary”: Led by Jamie Joy, emphasized non-genital-focused pleasure, inclusive language, and increasing comfort during intimacy.
  • “Everybody should be having trans sex...there are various ways of experiencing pleasure without exclusively focusing on the genitals.” (03:10)
• Community Value: The safe, Black-centered, queer-affirming space fosters learning and acceptance.

2. Navigating Relationships After Herpes Diagnosis

• Workshop Takeaways: Shared themes include aging with herpes, grieving the use of genitals, and bodily dissociation post-diagnosis.
  • Support space for people to discuss experiences for the first time. (15:00)
• Disclosure Challenges: The significance of talking about one's status with new or long-term partners.

3. Personal Evolution: From Monogamy to Polyamory

• Courtney’s Polyamorous Identity:
  • Past relationships struggled due to assumptions of monogamy and jealousy over his support work with women.
  • “My working with so many women…even if I’m not flirting…what I’m not doing had become more of an issue than what I was doing.” (27:40)
• Reframing Nonmonogamy:
  • It’s about connection, not quantity.
    • “Quality became far more important to me than quantity.” (36:20)
• Connection vs. Exclusivity:
  • Prefers not to give up meaningful friendships for romantic exclusivity; believes connections should not be sacrificed for partners’ insecurities.

4. Safe Sex & Health Practices in Nonmonogamy

• Safer Sex Practices: Uses condoms with all partners, discusses STI statuses and testing expectations openly.
• Simple Disclosure:
  • “The partner just says, ‘Hey, I have a partner who has herpes. Are you cool with that?’ Simple as that.” (55:20)
• Communication is Key: Regardless of status or relationship style, regular, honest dialogue is foundational.

5. Self-Acceptance and Breaking Stigma

• Confronting Internalized Stigma: Grieves past relationships and reflects on feelings of something being “wrong” with him because of his needs, identity, or diagnosis.
  • “I was really made to believe something was wrong with me. And now I'm living in a world where all the validation is like, no, Courtney, you are fine just as you fucking are.” (1:17:00)
• Healing through Storytelling:
  • Realizes that sharing his journey publicly not only aids his healing but also supports listeners.
  • Positive listener feedback affirms the value in sharing first-person narratives over only hosting guests.

6. Navigating Vulnerability and Growth

• Personal Vulnerability: Struggles with trusting himself and feeling deserving of quality partners.
• Anchoring in Presence: Emphasizes aligning with authentic self and not constricting one’s growth or pleasure due to external stigma or internal doubt.
• Metaphor of the Sun:
  • “The sun can't try and bring [the planets] closer…it just allows and creates an environment for them to center around.” (1:32:30)
  • Encourages listeners to cultivate their own gravity—be themselves, and let relationships orbit them naturally.

7. Key Advice & Encouragement for Listeners

• Polyamory & Herpes are Not Mutually Exclusive:
  • “You can have non monogamous relationships and herpes and have a good sex life. I ain’t had bad sex in…years now because I’ve stopped [suppressing my needs].” (1:45:00)
• Healing Comes from Giving and Purpose:
  • References Napoleon Hill’s “go-giver” concept: focus on what you offer to others rather than what you get.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Shame and Identity:

  • “I’ve experienced self-rejection. I’ve experienced stigma, identity fragmentation over sexuality…But the reality is, like, we're something so much more than that.” (1:12:20)

• On Communication:

  • “A lot of this boils down to communication consent and being able to just ask for what you want and tell people, ‘Hey, this is who I am. This is what it is. Thoughts?’” (55:00)

• On Trusting Oneself:

  • “The more I just lean into trusting myself, like, the better.” (24:00)

• On Sex Positivity and Quality:

  • “I don't want the cookie cutter. I've not wanted the cookie cutter for a long time. And damn, it feels good to be able to talk about sex again.” (1:43:00)

• On Community and Acceptance:

  • “If something's wrong with me, there's something wrong with everybody here. And it ain't no way in hell that there's something wrong with all these people, all these kind people.” (1:52:00)

Important Timestamps

• 03:10: Insights from the “Banging Outside the Binary” workshop
• 15:00: Conference support group – topics covered
• 27:40: Polyamory as a natural fit; jealousy and career conflict
• 36:20: Realization of valuing quality over quantity in relationships
• 55:00: The essence of disclosure and communication in nonmonogamy/herpes
• 1:12:20: Self-acceptance, identity, and healing
• 1:17:00: Processing feelings of "something wrong" with oneself
• 1:32:30: Metaphor: Being the sun in your own relational solar system
• 1:43:00: Sexual fulfillment and rejecting “cookie cutter” sex
• 1:45:00: Affirmation: Nonmonogamy and herpes can coexist with a robust sex life
• 1:52:00: Healing power of accepting oneself and one’s community

Tone & Language

The episode is intimate, unfiltered, compassionate, and at times explicit. Courtney commits to “being real” rather than “politically correct,” aiming for maximum relatability and authenticity, especially for those navigating shame, stigma, or the complexities of nontraditional relationships. His vulnerability and humor foster a deeply supportive, healing tone.

Concluding Takeaway

Courtney Brame demonstrates that you can lead a fulfilling, nonmonogamous love and sex life while living with herpes. The core message: meaningful connection is possible through honest communication, self-acceptance, and the courage to ask for what you want. “Ain’t nothing wrong with you.” Stigma need not confine your desires, relationship style, or capacity for joy.

For continued support, stories, and resources, visit spfpp.org