← Something Positive for Positive People
Something Positive for Positive People
SPFPP 384: Can You Be Nonmonogamous if You Have Herpes?
01:00:11
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:01]
A
Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. I know y' all already know this, but Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people who are navigating herpes stigma. This is an educational and support resource for anyone who's curious about herpes from people's lived experiences. And today, I'll be speaking a little bit about my own lived experiences. Experiences. And I want to apologize I'm late for this episode. I was supposed to have posted this between Wednesday night last week and. Yes, and Sunday. And Sunday, I had quite the weekend. This weekend was the Sex down south conference. Shout out to Marla and Tia for organizing this black space centering queer people and experiences. I always get so much whenever I go and attend workshops, always learn new things. And I think that the biggest takeaway that I got this time was that everybody should be having trans sex. I know that is a wild thing to say for some people who are hearing it, but I went to a workshop by Jamie Joy that was. I think it was called Banging Outside the Binary. And it was really interesting because they did a demo on the ways that you can experience pleasure and have sex without exclusively focusing on the genitals. So there were various ways of incorporating sensation, ways of speaking and talking about anatomy in a way that if somebody maybe doesn't even like their genitals, you can refer to what's happening without doing so in a way that might trigger them. And so what I thought was really cool about that is, you know, if you're with someone who maybe they don't like the way they're. I don't think I got to be professional. I think more of the regular people are listening to this. So I'm gonna let myself free and be a little explicit here. So just FYI, if you're somebody who works in public health or mental health, because I've learned that the more real I am here in terms of sharing my own experiences and not doing the thing where I filter myself and be politically correct. Like, the more, like, feedback I've gotten about how relatable things are. So if someone doesn't like their dick, right, like, if they don't like the shape, the size, how it looks, or they just, like, don't want people to experience it, or if they have insecurities around it, the word dick itself or. Or penis, whatever could be triggering. So anything associated with that, like, hardness or the. Yeah, the hardness of it. You can substitute those things with, oh, you're throbbing, or, oh, you're wet because piquences when aroused, they can leak pre calm. It can leak the fluid that serves as lubricant as well. So you don't have to call it by its name. And you can, if you call it by its name, that might put the person in that state of insecurity or inadequacy. And you can just do something as simple as use language that is outside of gendered binary language to increase that person's comfort level arousal and you can unlock somebody's inner freak. That's one of the things that I learned out of that workshop. That yeah, we got some homework assignments. It was, it was incredible. I just woke up and so I'm like a little sniffly and like voice sound all weird and shit. I gotta breathe in my mouth. Also the season's changing and the Verizon people are here to install Internet and I think they brought a lot of like outside stuff in here when he did it. So I'm like, yeah, the yeah. Conference was incredible. I had a great experience. I was a little bit, you know, nervous leading up to it because this is also the conference where I met my ex and we started dating in 2023. So I didn't really know how I would feel because in 2024 we came together and this year like it was, this is the first time that I've gone since that relationship ended. And yeah, I didn't know how I would feel. But getting here, like leading up to it, I. Aside from a seven hour plane delay, I think that was what distracted me more than anything. I was more annoyed at that. I was like, is this a sign I shouldn't go? And I started to just take my ass home. But I was like, no. I committed to doing a workshop and facilitating the men's group. I ain't going to bell. So yeah, I got there and I think I started to really get comfortable once I got into doing the workshop. I was like, this is what I'll do. This is what I'm here for. And the workshop was incredible. It was three and a half hours. Three and a half. I thought it was two hours and I thought it was on Saturday, but it was on Friday morning. I got in at 2:30am A shower settled in and I think I went to sleep at about 3:15 in the morning Eastern Time. I woke up about 7:45. I went down to get breakfast and it was while I was at breakfast looking at the schedule for the day, I was like, oh, what I want to go to. I want to go to this yoga class. And then I saw that I was on the schedule for 8:45 and I had to register for the conference. I get my badge and everything at 8:30. So I was like, no. So I ain't got no draws on. I was wearing sweatpants and a stigma T shirt and flip flops. So I had to, I didn't have time to get ready. I finished breakfast, I went and got my badge and then I went into the room to start like setting the room up. So people started trickling in a little bit before 8:45. And yeah, what we did was just, we made it into an open discussion. It was essentially a support group where people just got to share their experiences. They got to talk about things that they never talked about before for the first time. And off the top of my head, some of the things that came up were, you know, aging with herpes. Because in addition to, you know, having to disclose herpes to someone, if you're aging, you may be engaging with someone who has lost their partner, their significant other, their husband, their wife, and you're the first person they're having sex with since the loss of that person. And there's the STI sexual health conversation that needs to be had too. We also speak about how different times are and how much they've evolved and how even in the nursing homes, right, people getting in, not just in the nursing homes, but like in elderly living facilities, like that was something that came up. We talked about the grieving of the use of genitals even after herpes diagnosis, right? So someone may have a little bit of this, this morphia or dysphoria, one of those where you disassociate from your genitals because of your diagnosis, like, oh, I got herpes here. Like, and there's just such an aversion, whether that be wearing gloves to touch them or avoiding contact with it all the way, or you being so hyper focused on giving to someone else that you try and distract them from the fact that you have herpes on your genitals. And I think the biggest thing, of course we talked about talking about your herpes status too, and with partners. But I think that for the sake of relevance here, the most important or the most in depth piece of this was navigating non monogamous relationships with herpes. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. I've been dating again. I've been practicing polyamory, like legitimately now. And when I say legitimately, I mean I thought I was Doing this, going into the relationship that I was last in, but that was not that. That wasn't what it turned into. And so I have personal experiences that I can speak to with respect to all other parties involved. I'm not gonna, like, use any names, and some of the experiences might be a little bit vague, but that's just. That's just what I gotta do. That's just what I gotta do. Unless somebody hit me up and they're like, no, Courtney, you can talk. You can talk about me. But I just. I would rather not. Especially just after my last relationship and, you know, bringing her so into my life and speaking about her and our, like, experiences, and now, like, that's over, but it's still out there into the world. I don't know if I want to do that again until, like, things are settled and solidified. Not that I don't. You know, there was a period where I felt like I couldn't trust myself to pick good people, but. Or aligned people. I don't mean good. I mean aligned. But the more I just lean into trusting myself, like, the better. And I recognize, like, I'm. I'm. I ain't got no game. I'm not like, I. There's moments I freeze up and. And I recognize that it's because of just feeling like a little bit of. There's a dissonance there. There's a disconnect between who I. Who I'm actually being, which is like, the person that I've envisioned myself being and who I was and thought that I was in becoming this. So I find myself trapped there. Sometimes when I get exactly what it is that I want or I'm getting what I'm asking for, for, and I just get, like, stuck. It's like a computer short circuiting a little bit. But I'm working on that. I'm working on it. So herpes and non monogamy. Now, I probably have been non monogamous for longer than I can remember. In high school, specifically, I remember I would always have a woman friend who was not a sexual partner. But we'd talk all the time. We'd really connect well, we'd do a lot of, like, fun stuff together. We'd just be friends. And then when I get a girlfriend, that relationship would become a threat and they would, like some form or fashion, make me stop being friends with this girl or try. And it would be a point of contingent. I don't know if contingency is the word. It would be a point of contention. There it is. Between us in the relationship. And I think that that as a starting point would be something that more things would stack on top of. And then ultimately how we got into the relationship would be what ends the relationship. And, you know, I have to like, dial back from talking to my friend for however many hours because, like, with guys we don't talk on the phone all the time. And I remember we did in like elementary school, middle school because we like, couldn't see each other. So we'd be on the phone and like doing activities. But as I got older, whenever we wanted to hang out as guys, we'd just go hang out and do the things. And phone time was being on the phone with girls. I used to call people on three way and like, we'd be trying, oh my God, three way. We'd be like having conversations and talking about, you know, whatever music and TV and stuff at school. And it was cool. Like, that was allowed, that was accepted, that was okay, right? And then going into any kind of a relationship, it was like the things that were fun and like, life giving, like, you got to stop even if the girl that you started dating or the person who started dating was someone who was on these calls with you and it became a threat. And that's been like the story of all my relationships between middle school to high school, to college, to adulthood, to in my 30s. And I think that where non monogamy became so prevalent for me and in my face was when. Well, it's a few different. There's a few different ways that it presented itself, but the one that's coming to mind now is I'm polyamorous. So that when I do have a good connection with someone, when there is intimacy, when there is a good quality of depth and connection, I don't want to have to remove that connection because I've entered a relationship where someone feels threatened by that. Now I've. There's been someone in my life who throughout my relationships, like, I've wanted and believed that. I've always believed that I couldn't have both. I believe that I couldn't do what I do for the world and have a family. And so most recently I was presented with like, that, like, it was like, yeah, Courtney, you can, like, I love and support what you do, and we're going to have a family together. And then that ended up not being the case. And that has been just like a consistent thing for me throughout the history of my dating. Because again, I've had partners who were like, jealous of what I do and They've said it even, or have displayed behaviors where they were clearly something that there was a point of contention with. My working with so many women. Even if I'm not like doing anything, I'm not flirting and what I'm not doing had become less or more valuable or more of an issue than what I was doing. So yeah, I'm not flirting with people. I'm not, you know, giving anybody any like false hope or anything. Whenever I do my support calls and everything, I just, I'm myself and there might be some giggling in the other room. And I've had exes be like, why, why does laughing, why are we making laugh on calls? Right? Like that kind of jealousy and that kind of insecurity has come up and it changed the way that I engage. It led to me even starting a whole nother business like working with men or trying to work with men. And that ain't what I'm supposed to be doing. So I've always felt like, at least for the last several relating several, for the last handful of relationships that I've been in, that I can't work towards a family and run my non profit organization, which is what I get all the fulfillment from, which pays the bills. It does all these things. It doesn't pay the bills alone. But even my other job, teaching medical students to give genital exams has been an issue because I got my dick out in front of medical students and other people are seeing my dick. So the appeal of non monogamy polyamory to me is almost like out of necessity in my lifestyle. Right. Like in assumed monogamy, what you see is there's these, there's a lot of things that you just don't do. It's so much more about what you don't do rather than how you do certain things and even the context behind it. Right? So a monogamous relationship, the idea of somebody else seeing your partner's penis or genitals is a problem in monogamy. Flirting with the waiter, waitress, server, bartender, even if you're getting free drinks or whatever and it benefits the relationship, it's a problem or it's seen as disrespectful. Even turning people down who just shoot their shot because they don't know, right? Like if you don't do it aggressively enough or the way that they like it, that's an issue. And that's just not who I am. Like I, I don't see any reason to be an asshole to anybody. You know, if somebody shoots their shot like and it's not okay. You're just like, hey, thanks, but no thanks. Simple as that. And these are things that I've learned through non monogamy. And so as someone who is polyamorous, like, I enjoy and appreciate the relationships that I have beyond just sex. And I think a lot of people had this misconception that polyamorous people just want to bang everybody and that we just out here catching bodies. That ain't the case for me. I find a lot of people attractive, but there's only so many people I can actually have sex with. And I'm learning this about myself. I think I went through my catch and body stage, like, right. Ooh. It wasn't right after college. It was in Portland. I went through my catch and body stage in Portland and like, I think I started to realize that it was quality over quantity. Quality became far more important to me than quantity. So it became more important for me to see and know that we can engage outside of sex. Like, are we curious about each other? Are we interested in each other? Like, how, how adaptable are you in different environments? Because that's, that's me. Like, I, I enjoy being uncomfortable to an extent because that's where growth comes from. So I'll find myself like going to do random shit. Like I. Even in Portland, I go to these damn EDM shows and I started to like them. I really like that music. Now I'm in a dance class now. I've. I've been to a yoga class and in probably years at this point, but anime conventions and like I do, I just, I just be doing. And these are things that I've learned are important to me. And not everybody is no cool with that. I mean, these are things that I can do by myself. I can make friends that do it. But also it ain't nothing like, you know, bringing somebody along that you know, you're. You're close with for them to be able to experience you and for you to be able to experience them around you when you're doing a thing that you're passionate about. And I think that it's unfair to ask someone to have all the availability for you. And also there are some really great connections to be had out there where maybe the other person isn't as available as they can be or as you would like for them to be. So being able to navigate the complexities of various relationships that maybe you get the same needs met or maybe they're a little bit different. That's. That's something that I've found to be important. And right now, all of my partners, existing relationships, friendships, connections are long distance. And I think that that works for me right now because I am able to do this, I'm able to do my work consistently. But it does, like, beg the question of can I do I want to have a family? Like, is that something that I can work towards? Because I mean, age isn't necessarily an issue for me right now. It's more about like being able to trust that the relationships I enter are aligned. If I were to like, work towards that and then the longevity of it, right. Like, I need to know that the time invested, that the time is the amount of time that we put into it. Right? Because like last I thought that, you know, this is a person I was going to have a family with, you know, just based on how aligned I thought we were for two years. So now, okay, that relationship ended, there's a grieving period, and then, you know, you start dating again. And then you have to get to know somebody now for three years before you can determine whether or not they seriously or if they're consistent and they are who they say they are. And so, yeah, that's been for me like a personal content, a personal. What's another word? I keep using the same word. I wanted to switch it up a little bit, but yeah, like I. It's. People say you can't have your cake and eat it too. And I always say, why the would I want cake I can't have? And I know that there are some things that are obviously contradictory, but there's people, there are examples of people who are living the kinds of relationships where they have marriage, they have, you know, families, and they also have these other relationships. And I think that so much of it is really just a matter of communication, compatibility, and yeah, alignment. Alignment is such a key word. So with that background, I hope that that's enough to articulate like where I'm coming from in the way that I experience non monogamy through polyamory. Okay. So getting into the connection with herpes. Some of my partners have herpes, some of my partners don't have herpes. And I currently wear condoms with all my partners. They all know what, you know, my status is. And we talk about STI testing still, even between seeing each other and expectations there. And there's like, you know, conversations that we have negotiating, like when barrier uses, when not using barriers is okay, or when it, when it has to happen just geared around pregnancy and other STIs and being with other people as well, so testing practices are something to take into consideration even if you have herpes, right? Like, I make it a point to get tested at least every three to six months. Or if I were to have partners that, I'm sorry, not don't have herpes, or if I were to have a partner where let's say we didn't use a condom, or let's say a condom slips off, right? And then we get tested, you know, and know what our status is and communicating that, hey, you know, this kind of slipped off in this last situation I had, like, what do you want to do? And offer that communication? And one thing that I like about being polyamorous now especially, is because I'm now finding myself in more relationships with people who are polyamorous. Not to say that I've not always done that. And I have a couple of partners that I don't know that they really are long term polyamorous. But it's working for now. And I have the security that I need emotionally in the sense of being able to like, in the event that they get into a relationship, like, I don't want to be cut off. Like, I don't. And I've done this to people and I think that that's why it's so important to me, because I hate that I did that. I hate that when I got into what was supposed to be like the relationship, I cut people off. And in the name of maintaining longevity in the relationship relationship, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. So I think it's important too for you to know and understand, like, where you fall on the spectrum of polyamory, non monogamy, what it is that you want out of the relationship as well. And we didn't go into this much detail when we were at the discussion group, but because a lot of it was like really factoring in how to disclosure status, not and valuing privacy and confidentiality. And the reality is like, you really can't, you can't maintain confidentiality. Well, the best way to. One of the questions that came up was how, how do I like, how does a partner's partner find out or how do they need to know? And it's simple. The partner just says, hey, I have a partner who has herpes. Are you cool with that? Simple as that. They don't have to say your name, they don't have to talk about where you live, what you look like, none of that. If that's what you need, you ask for what you need and so much of what I'm learning through these different relationship orientations and going to these classes and things like that is that a lot of this really does just boil down to communication consent and being able to. Being able to just ask for what you want and tell people, hey, this is who I am. This is what it is. Thoughts? I went through all this backstory just to say that, like, I feel like I did such a build up of how this was going to go. And then ultimately I'm just telling you you got to communicate. But that's as simple as it is. It don't get no easier than that or it doesn't get any. It doesn't need to be any more complex than that. Communicate, ask for what you want. And this is something that, you know, even I struggle with now, again, just going back to me feeling like I can't trust myself because I was wrong before. And I think that part of my healing process was accepting that I was wrong before and trusting that. I'm filtering in aligned people. I'm filtering in good people with good intentions and who I can trust their nose and I can trust their yeses and I can trust that they are who they say they are. And more importantly, also be able to watch the people who are in my life now like they're. I. I think you can get to finish what I was saying earlier. There's someone who's been in my life for several years who has been, you know, it's been in and out as far as a sexual relationship, but the intimacy has sustained itself and the friendship and the connection and yeah, it feels like family to an extent. And that's a connection, a relationship that I value. And I think that we all have those kinds of relationships. And sometimes, like for women, I think a lot of women who date men, if you end up in a relationship and the man's like, why do you have girlfriends? Or why do you have guy friends? Like, yeah, some guys are probably waiting on the side for you to become single and wear you down enough for them to be able to fuck and that's it. But I don't think that's the case for everybody. I think that these are certain types of people and those certain types of people, like, even if that were to be the case, why is that bad? I think the bad thing about it is when the intentions are unknown, it's bad when it's covert, it's bad when it's on some shady shit, it's bad when it's predatory. But I don't I. I just never really. I never really gave a fuck. Like, I live in a way where I recognize nothing belongs to me. Me. And this has become an identification for myself. Like, I identify with that. Nothing belongs to me. Like, I don't identify with this body, this mind, right? Like, I find myself in it, and then there's pressure, there's this need to perform, and it makes it really difficult to be present. But when I catch myself in those moments, I just try to remind myself that I. I'm light. I'm fucking stardust. Like, I'm a fucking collection of atoms doing Adam shit and Adam shit. Being. Aligning my behaviors and beliefs and having the 3D world reflected back to me and creating resonance through my being and becoming who it is and I am. And it. I say this, I was like, you know, I don't. I don't want anything. Like, what does Courtney want? Courtney don't want shit. And it's not about me. But I do find that when I live in this place of presence, when I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I enjoy the outcomes that I get. I enjoy the world around me. I enjoy this reality I live in. And that's why I try and smile so much. Much. It ain't even trying anymore. Like, I. I just be walking down the street, I say, what's up to people. Some people say hi back. Some people smile. Some people head n. Some people don't say. Some people walk faster. And then they got to do with me. You know, my. My reality is reflecting things that I'm. I'm living in a place that I saw myself getting to, but I've never seen myself in it. I am in a place where I'm getting everything that I want. And it's through the practice of, yeah, it's a lot that comes with herpes. I've been rejected. I've experienced self rejection. I've experienced stigma, identity fragmentation over sexuality and attachment to my genitals, disassociation and detachment from my genitals. I've lost choice. I lost my curiosity. I felt disconnected. I lost my creativity. I might have said that already. No, I said curiosity. But these aspects of myself, like, when you lose those, what do you have? You begin to trap yourself in your mind and your thoughts. You trap yourself in your body and its circumstances. But the reality is, like, we're something so much more than that. And I don't mean more as in quantity. I mean more as in quality, right? Like, these bodies, they. They're fragile. They have expiration dates. Sometimes unforeseen circumstances speed up those expiration dates. But when we identify with that, that thing that goes beyond that, when we identify with what's closest, what, with what is most closely related to the nervous system, and you plug that in where the solar system is, you see where we are, you see who we are, and we are just a combination of our environment, the values of our environment, and choice. We take what works and we use it, or we don't, or we lose it, and we turn that, we turn whatever it is from our environment into something useful for ourselves. And in my case, it has been so useful to turn my stigma, my own pain, my ptsd, trauma. I don't know why I said ptsd, my trauma, and turn that into healing. And I do that through telling my story, through talking about my. My experience is my life, and you can do that, too. That's the most healing part of this. Like, I got a message from someone who, you know, I, I, I missed being able to reply fast for her support call. And she told me, courtney, I got everything I needed. I didn't. I don't need a support call anymore. I listened to some podcast episodes. I got to hear other people's story, and that was good. And for so many years now, like, I've. I've withheld my own experience and my own story. And I put that out last week, and that was what she replied to. And I got other feedback from that as well, just being able to share my own experiences. So I think that maybe, you know, I would love to have more podcast guests, don't get me wrong. But, like, also, I recognize that this ain't easy for people. So instead of me asking more people to do this, I think that, you know, maybe I, maybe I'll start to speak more about my own personal experiences in my own life. I went on a first date, was that two Thursdays ago, And I realized that was my first date. Like, my first first date since my breakup. Like, I have partners who've, like, come back into my life since my breakup, and these are people that I've been able to really lean into and, like, practice grounding myself in this new identity of being polyamorous and, you know, navigating, managing multiple relationships and doing so in a way that, like, nobody's left out or nobody is hearing the same shit twice or I'm forgetting anything. So this has been, it's been really good and really healthy for me to have these existing relationships to lean into, because they're also helping Me shape my own identity. And I realized after that first date I was like, huh, bringing in someone new without like the grounding, the grounded foundation of my identity now because that was the first, first date when I got done with it, I was like, yo, that was actually my first first date. I was like, I don't know if I'm ready for that. I ain't ready to like, like, like date and you know, see someone consistently go on dates and you know, get to know them. And that is what dating is. But I thought I was, I thought that I was like ready for some consistency. I thought that I was ready to just kind of like pick up where I left off and plug a person, a body, a mind and energy into the working towards a family thing. And I'm not. That's, that's not, that wasn't, you know, what I, that's not what I should have been trying to do. And what's working is just in that, like I shared with her, I was like, hey, here's where I'm at. I recognize that you are a very healthy individual. And right now, like, you know who you are and I'm finding out who I am, so. And what I don't want to happen is for me to orient myself to you, especially at the expense of, you know, partners that I have now. Because I could see that happening if I'm spending a lot of time with one person. And I'm only just now getting grounded into where I'm at now, having moved to Brooklyn and settling into the long distance relationships that I've had, well, they're settled into, but allowing for myself to accept it, like I'm there, I'm where I saw myself being, relationship wise. And also like, I'm not thirsty. It doesn't feel like I'm chasing anything anymore. It's more so like experiencing and allowing what is. And this is a new place for me. And like I said, like, nothing belongs to me. There's a new level of non possessiveness and I, I find it like I'm attracted to myself. Like I'm so turned on by myself for being able to be not detached necessarily. I don't like how that sounds. It sounds like I don't care, but like it's a detachment. And I think that with that detachment, it's kind of like nervous system where the sun is right, no planet is inside the sun. The sun is turning hydrogen to helium. And in turn heat radiates, light radiates, and there's a gravity to it. Everything can orient itself to the sun. And we got this beautiful ass planet Earth. We got these other eight planets that have oriented in response to the sun being the sun. And the sun can't like try and bring them closer and go get closer. It just allows and creates an environment for them to center around. And if at any point Earth's like, hey, this shit ain't work for me no more, Earth is probably free to leave unless the gravity of the sun is so strong that it has to stay. But I ain't really went into all of that. But metaphorically, look at that nervous, metaphorically looking at the nervous system plugged in where the sun is, where the solar system is. All right, like we have, we have people, experiences, challenges, opportunities that orbit us in response to the creation of our own gravity. And when I look at this from a relationship perspective, right, like I am taking these connections, these friendships and like the, the component of them being able to be intimate like without any barriers and limitations to intimacy. I think that that's what's being like. The stigma of you can't have both. The stigma of you can only have so many relate. I don't know. Like I, like I said, I ain't out here just fucking quantity over quality. These are relationships that came into my orbit in response to me being, you know, aligned with myself. And I love this person that I've become now. And I for so long thought something was wrong with me. I thought something was wrong with me for wanting to be non monogamous or being polyamorous and my intentions behind it. I really did. And now I see that that's not the case. I see it. I mean, if something is wrong with me, it's something wrong with all these other people too. But I don't believe that. I don't believe that for one second that there's anything wrong with me anymore. And I was struggling with that. Like I struggled with it after my last relationship because like, wow, that was something that drew us together. It was the very thing that drove us apart. Like me knowing myself and that this is who I am and I really needed to. Like I was in therapy sometimes twice a week, just like, yo, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? To where like, I won't cheat, but what's wrong with me? To where I can't see say, I only want to be with you for the rest of my life. What is wrong with me? I'm willing to cut off everybody else just to be with you for the rest of my life. What is Wrong with me. Why can't I say that? Why can't I mean that? Why isn't that my default? I was really made to believe something was wrong with me. And now I'm living in a world where all the validation is like, no, Courtney, you are fine just as you fucking are. And I had these moments where, like, I guess, like, I slipped back into that old identity of what I thought my life was going to look like. And it be. It's become so infrequent as time has passed. So time does, in fact heal. Like, time be healing. Shit. I mean, maybe I think intentional use of time, maybe it's what heals. I don't know. I'm, I'm just saying now because it sounded good. But yeah, me being where I'm at now, like, I'm just leaning in, I'm embracing it. And I'm so uncomfortable, like, identifying what it is that I want and then asking for it. Because, like, old me is always known. Like, I, I, I love having sex. And now I'm brushed up against this, like, this challenge of making sex. Like, it being a higher quality experience for me. And I catch myself, like, I don't want to go backwards. So, like, how do you ask for something that you've done one way for your entire life and you've known that, and then, like, now you know, you're so new to this further expansion. Like, how do you ask for that? And I think I'm learning, like, the, it's in the curiosity, the creativity, and being able to say exploration. Here's what that looks like to me. Like, I don't know, but I just want to, like, let's just fucking turn the lights down low, put some music on and see what our bodies do. I think that is the thing that I struggle with now is that I can do that. I can say, I don't know. If you listen to this for a while you've known that. Me as a kid saying I don't know is a bad thing. And I got in trouble. And so what I learned was to just say something and then make it right. And now I ain't got to do that. I can literally say, hey, I want blank. I want my ass eaten. I want to just, I want to go to sleep and I want to wake up to get into bed. Like, I can ask for these kinds of things. I can say these kinds of things. I can say. I just want to. I ain't got to get all explicit any more beyond that. But, yeah, this has been a experience and yes, I'm someone who has herpes. And I'm still finding myself around aligned people who genuinely want to help me meet my needs. And the only resistance is the resistance that I create for myself because I revert out of being who I am. The person that has proven experience and practice of one, being present and two, being the kind of person who people want to do things for. People really want to. And even over this weekend, I've had, when I was at the Sex down south conference, and this is the place to exercise that. This is the place to ask for what you want. This is the place to get your sexual needs met. Like, I had people who, you know, wanted to play and I was like, oh, I don't know what to do with this. Like, my shy ass. I ain't even shy. But I created that resistance for myself because of the discomfort with receiving. I used to always say, like, the less I talk, the more play I get. And I hated that. I hated that that was true. One of my friends always makes this joke. He's like, courtney will talk himself out again. So. And I have. But also, like, that's unaligned people. The talking creates safety for me. The being able to be vulnerable, the being able to talk, like, that's something that helps me with being able to talk about herpes and assess that a person is actually okay with it and also have, like, good sex. When I, when I wasn't talking, the sex wasn't good. It was that stereotypical ass. I might go down on you, but most of the partners that I've had have been like, no, you don't have to do that. So I get going down on and then it turns into some missionary. They get on top and then doggy style. We done like that. That I don't, I don't want, I don't want the cookie cutter. I've not wanted the cookie cutter for a long time. And damn, it feels like good to be able to talk about sex again and talk about my sex life. I guess I've been holding back a lot of shit, like over the last two years. I'm sorry, y'. All. I've been, I've been holding out. I really been holding out. My bad, my bad. You can have non monogamous relationships and herpes and have a good sex life. I ain't had bad sex in. Ooh. I've not had bad sex in years now because I've stopped. There was a, there was a time where I had drank. Actually, it was probably a few weekends ago. We were drinking and I woke up and I was hungover and like felt like, oh damn, like I owe you some dick because we didn't have sex last night. And I think that that was probably the worst sex that I had in years because it was like hungover, performance based. And I remember thinking while I was doing it, I was like, oh, I don't think I want to do this again, like have hungover sex. I want to be able to talk and be like, hey, I should have been able to say I'm not feeling it. But there was that performance thing that came up like, oh no, you're not supposed to turn down sex. You're supposed to get it whenever you can. No, like, no, that's not, that's not it. That ain't what it do. And so I, through the practice of these healthy relationships and friendships, there's been the vulnerability in the two way street or three way, four way, however many way streets of connection to be able to communicate wants, needs, desires, boundaries, everything that's in the stars talk and the safety of. I know that I can trust this person and talk to this person and say to them the things that I otherwise might not say or the things that I otherwise might allow to just go assumed. And we can co create this experience together because that's really what this is. I love being able to just co create experiences together. Even over this weekend, I, I had some wonderful sexual experiences that challenged me. They went beyond like, they went beyond that, that cookie cutter thing I was talking about. And I'm so appreciative to who helped me make that happen. That was really fucking dope. And I'm someone who has herpes. And this is the way, this is the kind of sex that I'm having. And I've been able to enter relationships so it's not like you gotta pick one or the other. Like you can have your cake and eat it too. Just know what flavor it is. I'm trying to use a metaphor. I think I'm milking it too bad that, no, that wasn't good. That wasn't a good one. Like you can't have your cake and eat it too. Just make sure you're sharing with someone who also likes cake. Because the issue of you can't have your cake and eat it too, I think really comes into play if you want cake and the other person's like, nah, I want brownies. It's like, oh, this ain't gonna work. Like we either both getting cake or not. When we run out of Cake. We get it. We make more cake. Nope, that didn't work either. Hey, y'. All. Y' all gotta let me know what y' all think about this, because I'm feeling real. I'm feeling real vulnerable. Feeling real vulnerable. And the vulnerability. Vulnerable. That's how my DM talking. Yeah. Like, I. I think that I've been hesitant and resistant to talking about my personal life for a while, like, since my breakup in February, just because. Yeah, I was just, like. I felt like something was wrong with me. I really did. And I think that over this weekend at Sex down south, like, that was a really big healing experience for me that I couldn't put words to at the time, because I was in a place where if something's wrong with me, there's something wrong with everybody here. And it ain't no way in hell that there's something wrong with all these people, all these kind people, all these giving people, all these people that are smiling at each other, that are playing with each other, having conversations and sharing bread pudding with each other. No, ain't nothing wrong with me. And I might need to tell myself that a few more times. But, yeah, I recognize I'm. I'm a little different. I'm a weirdo sometimes in some cases. But also, I gotta. I gotta shake this off. And podcasting has been a way for me to shake off the cobwebs of being myself, being able to say out loud the things that, like, I normally would say. I was trying to tell my friends, like, how my weekend went, and they were like, what? Like, you. You educator. How you, like, not completely telling his story? And I froze up. I was like, damn, these my homeboys. And I'm, like, not able to. I'm not able to, like, talk about this. What the is that? I was like, man, I don't. I don't know. I didn't know what that was. And I realized I'd just been out of practice. And internally, I just felt like, again, like, something was wrong with me. And they don't judge me. They know. They know. They know me. And these are people that I can. If I don't tell nobody else, I can tell them anything. And I know this, man. But. All right, I just. I be in my own way. I be in my own way. So we. We got it. We got to stop doing that. The same way that I'm in my own way of not trusting myself to not make the same, you know, mistake of allowing someone closer, faster than they should be, the same way of, like, believing for so long, something was wrong with me until I began to like, work my way through those experiences and process them and then begin to identify with what I really am, who I really am. This transmuter of stigma to healing. That's when I've been able to create the heat, the light, the gravity that draws in aligned people, opportunities and challenges that validate who I am. So this is going to be an ongoing practice and, you know, I'd appreciate any feedback if you want to comment on the podcast episode, if you want to reach out and share anything that resonated with you. Yeah, I'd like that. That would be really cool. But all this to say, like, it ain't nothing wrong with you if you're somebody who has herpes, whether monogamous or non monogamous, regardless of how you want to be in your relationship, whether you want a family or you don't, or whether you want children or don't, whether you want to make a lot of money or don't. Like, ain't nothing wrong with you for being who you are. And I think that we need to hear that, we need to experience that. And I know for myself, I need to accept that I'm exactly where I want to be. And I got the people around me that I want to be here. And there's nobody in my life, there's nobody in my circle that I don't want here. And a lot of us can look up and be like, what is this person doing here? What am I getting out of this relationship? What am I getting out of this person? This connection? What are they getting from me? Napoleon Hill, in Outwitting the Devil, interviews the devil. You know, we don't know if it's real or not, but one of the lines from the Devil mentioned the concept of drifting. And it's basically floating around in negativity where your consciousness is identified with that negativity. And that's very much what stigma is. Stigma is a collection of, of it's its own orbit. It's its own, like black hole star orbit of negativity in terms of identity and identification with that is what pulls your consciousness, your awareness, your power of choice into more and more negativity. And the way out of that is definiteness of purpose. And he speaks about being a go giver. And I think so much of our world is like, what do I get from this person? What do I get from this? What do you give to said person? Like, what is it that you're giving again? Place your nervous system where the Solar system is the sun gives heat, light and gravity through transmuting hydrogen to helium. That's all it's doing. And I look at myself transmuting my personal experiences of stigma into healing, taking from my environment and producing, creating something from it. You know, everybody interprets healing in their own way, in their own, you know, distance, right? Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Saturn, Neptune, Pluto, Uranus. Did I say Uranus? Each of these gets from the sun a level of what they want from it. And the sun doesn't orient itself to them, they orient themselves to the sun. And the only thing it's doing is giving out helium. Here's some helium. So you place your nervous system where the sun is. What are you giving to your eight planets, nine planets? What are you creating in your solar system through your nervous system? I know I'm just turning my trauma into healing. And in turn, I have really loved and come to appreciate the kinds of experiences and people who've made their way into my life, old and new. And it's my responsibility to sustain this giving. Oh, excuse me. That's probably a good place to wrap up. But the point that I was making from Napoleon Hill's Outwitting the Devil is, yeah, he spoke, he called, you know, the non drifter, the go giver. This is a person who doesn't float in negativity. This is a person who doesn't, you know, drift in that space. This is a person who is more focused on what they're giving than what it is that they're receiving. And I think that that's. That's what I like to consider myself as far as how I'm living. I'm living as a go giver in a sense. So I'm hoping, I'm hoping to embody that. And I think that we got a lot more to give than what we are conscious of because we're so focused on, oh, is this person just going to accept me? Or we look at it as conditional. Like, all I'm doing is dishing out healing in all directions. I'm not trying to focus in on nobody. People be like, focus on yourself, focus on yourself. No, I don't know about that one. Like, I like people, I like things. And if I were to focus on myself, shit, I'd probably just go to sleep. I love dreaming. I love my dreams. I be having. I can fly and shit. But I feel like it's important that I integrate aspects of the dream world and my real world to hopefully inspire people to connect with that part of themselves as well. And live a life of joy, a life of pleasure, life of substance and fulfillment and passion and purpose and love and peace amongst the chaos and the suffering. But we got to stop identifying exclusively with the herpes, y'. All. And I gave y' all already. I already gave y' all other things that I've identified with that have shaken me up. But I'm consistently me. I'm consistently like, I'm here. I'm showing up. I've been consistent with the podcast, which has been like, my saving grace. I've been going to the gym consistently. I've been. Except when I'm traveling, eating well. I got down. I was 222. I stepped on the scale. I was 222.7. And this is me coming off of consistently hovering around 235. Like, I could not get below 235 for so long. And I think that this is a reflection of me not just walking everywhere, but, like, being where I'm supposed to be. Like, I'm. I'm good. I'm good. Okay. All right. That concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Please, like, rate, review, share. Subscribe to this podcast. December 19th. Is it the 19th? I hope it's the 19th. If you go to the website, the events tab, December 19th, what you'll see is that we are celebrating the 400th episode of something Positive for Positive People, and we're doing so at the house in New York City. Tickets are on sale. Like, the sooner you buy, the cheaper they are. We put limited quantities on each one because we got to make money off of this. Like, it's just gonna be a party. We want to do a talent show of some sort. Maybe it'll be karaoke. If people don't want to, like, do any talent things, you'll be able to buy drinks, we'll have dancing, and we'll have a music performance from someone that I'm excited to be able to bring into this space. So be on the lookout for more details on that. And until next time, stay present.