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Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Positive People is a nonprofit organization supporting people navigating their peace. And I am blessed. I'm blessed. I'm in a good place. And I recently had a couple of experiences where I had to speak out loud to some things that I don't think that I was really aware of. I had two opportunities to share something that I guess I never really had my attention diverted to. And somebody asked me something about shame, asked what's something you're ashamed of? And when they asked that, I immediately thought about and got chills, you know, in the thought of it, about how happy I am. And in the time that we live in where a lot of people are unhappy, there's a lot of things going on in the world that we can look at that we can point to as contributors to unhappiness. It's hard, it's hard to express that joy, express gratitude and to be someone who is just having a good time. I'm at a stage of my life where I'm doing some of the hardest things that I've ever done voluntarily. I mean, I'm in yoga therapy school, I work a part time job, run a non profit organization. And daily, daily I think I talk to people who are not okay, who are not good, who the last thing they want to hear is how good you are. Right. Or so I thought. Very recently I went to this, it was a gathering with this, I don't want to call it an app. It was an event called I Feel or the Feels. And at the event it was a very, it was a non monogamy but very intentional dating social event. And that month was expensive to go to lie. But I got invited, I guess because not a lot of people had signed up for it and they just wanted me to share it. So I did that. And when I went, they had, let's break out into pairs. Sometimes you'd be with someone of the same sex or you'd be with someone of a different sex. That didn't really matter because it was really about the conversation. So the conversation talking point that they had for one of the parts of it was with something you're ashamed of. And how do you know? And how do you know? Brought something up for me that was it. It's been poked at, but I think that it had been so deep that I didn't really care to, you know, I didn't see it as valuable to investigate. And an exercise I've been doing lately is before I go to sleep. I check in on myself and just visualize talking to my subconscious. And I ask, hey, what's, what's, what's here that I'm not picking up on? Because things are going so well for me right now. I want to be able to clear up space and let go while I'm in this high vibrational frequency. And in doing so, the release is so much easier to do. It's so much easier to release attachments from this place of joy, from this high vibrational place, if, if that's what you want to say. But I mean, if we talk about high vibrations and vibes and like, really all we're talking about is that I'm in this rhythm of life that I've never been in before. I ain't never been in this rhythm before. Like I said, I'm doing things that challenge me and learn how to dance. I went to this Afrobeats class and on top of, you know, trying to learn this Brazilian zook. And let me tell you, I. I think I found like my, my things because I am getting a lot more out of it. And I've been looking for something, something I don't really know what, but I think I found it in this new way of connecting with people, making friends and experience and intimacy beyond the ways that I've familiarized myself with it. But going back to the same thing about being happy, being in this place, it is a lot easier to release things. And I didn't know that I was ashamed of how happy I am until a few nudges. And it's never just one thing. One of my friends had said to me. She was like, why? She asked me. I think I mentioned this a while back. She said, why are you posting all this sad boy shit like you're. That's, that's not you. And when I talk about identity validation, especially after this diagnosis and being able to be around people who know you outside of this thing that you identified yourself with. Because I identify with my sadness. Like I identified as being a person that is suffering and struggling and going through everything that happened the first half of this year and didn't realize that these were attachments that were being released. And for so much of what I've invested emotionally into those attachments that got released, it. It did free me up. Like, the abundance of joy, I believe, comes from not having these attachments. And speaking to a recent experience, I have recently gotten rejected for the last grant that I've been waiting to hear back about from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. And submitted an application to figure out how we can reach more men. Like to do a research study on what men need in terms of being able to be educated better about sexual health and pleasure outside of the context of having to learn from their women partners or their partners in general. Because a lot of the marketing really only talks to queer men. And the idea was get some money to just run that research project. I thought it was a very well put together proposal, but they said no. And after that one, I felt a sense of freedom because I, I put so much into all of these grant applications, right? The money, energy, attention, time. That shout out to coach Greg Robbins. Is that his name? Greg Adams? I might have said his name wrong, but it's Greg something. I wanted to make sure to give my man credit. But investing those things into these grant applications and like finally being able to say, nope, I'm done. I released that shit because. Not because of the rejections, but because it's not. There's no return. But just because there's no return doesn't mean like you stop, you quit and you just discard that energy. I think that what I did was release what cooked up in that. So all of the ingredients, the raw material that went into that, imagine making a soup, right? You cut up some vegetables, you got whatever your broth is, you put your meat in there, right? And I put those three ingredients into the soup. And the soup was maybe cooked into too high of a temperature, right? But I still got something out of that soup. Now in releasing the ingredients entirely from, you know, being used as a soup, maybe this would be better as an ointment or some sort of a medicine, right? So this is just like a analogy metaphorically of what I put into that particular avenue of trying to get grants, trying to get money. Now it can release and go into a different kind of a container or make take shape into a different kind of container that more so aligns with where I'm at. And where I'm at now is there's a lot more direct communication that I have with people that reach out to me through something positive for positive people. A from the support groups and the one on one support calls. And I've been seeing so much more visibility because I spent like two, I spent maybe two to three weeks going back and making sure that I hit that button that allowed for everything to show up on Google. So over the last five years of me, how long has it been? Eight years running the. Oh my God, for the last five years that I've had the Podcast on the website. I had not been telling Google, hey, this should be here, because that's why nothing was ranking previously. And lately I've been focusing more on the website than social media, and it's been paying off. There's been times I've had up to seven support calls a day. And I think that this is really starting to really inform the direction of not just the support groups and something positive in general, but even when I talk about here on the podcast, because a lot of these conversations, like, I wish more people would be down to talk on the podcast about what y' all come to me about for the support groups because. Or support calls, because this is. These are useful conversations, and it's challenging for me to hold on to and remember, you know, what's being said about everybody. And I also want to maintain, you know, people's privacy and it's their story. I want be a space that feels safe, at least where people know that they can come to me, talk about the things that they talk about, and then, you know, go on about their business. And I really appreciate being the person that y' all trust to do that with. And I just. Yeah, I had this overwhelming sense of gratitude. And since releasing my attempts to. No, I ain't gonna say attempts. Releasing the. The process of applying for grants. I'm not applying for grants anymore. Like, if somebody's like, oh, my God, Courtney, it's a great grant. You applied for it, now you apply for it. I'm done. I'm done with it. And. And releasing that. It's funny, because even just a couple of days after I made a decision, I made a post, I was like, here's the rejection. I'm done. I am to be done. And I'm not applying for grants anymore. I got a text message that somebody asked me, hey, if you got a grant, what would you do with it? And I wouldn't say too much about it until, you know, the wheels are in motion, because then I'll have to, like, put it in the tax documents. But a really powerful opportunity that aligns so much better had presented itself, and I'm really looking forward to it. So I'm. I got my fingers crossed that this thing that would kick off and, like, the beginning of spring happens, and if it does, you'll hear about it. You're going to be talking all about it. But this is. This is me, like, just speaking to, practicing what I preach, like, what I talked about from the attached release and then the. The raw material. Damn it. The last couple of Episodes. I've talked about this shit. So if. If you confused on what I'm talking about, just. Just reach out to me. But, yeah, I am actively practicing what I preach, and I know that people are looking, too, for a lot more dating and relationship advice and guidance. And I'm gonna tell y' all the same way it's been for herpes and herpes stigma. Like, a lot of the things that really help with relationships don't have anything to do with relationships. A lot of the things that help for herpes don't have anything to do with herpes. A lot of the help stigma don't have anything to do with stigma. I think a lot of us have gone through an experience where it didn't go well for us, but, like, we're on the other side of that. And if you can look at what you've gone through from that and then just kind of write it out next to herpes and what your diagnosis symbolizes, then you have sort of a blueprint of an experience of what you've done before and how it can be applied to now in order to work through it. And, yeah, whenever people come in for a support call, I ask them this. This question, like, if there was one thing you want to make sure you get out of our time together, what would that one thing be? And a lot of times we end up going back to the diagnosis and what was going on around the diagnosis, and we talk a little bit about that relationship. And almost every time people say, I knew that this was somebody I shouldn't have been with, this is the one time I went against, you know, my values and my boundaries and who I am. And I want to not be as big as to say values and boundaries, because these are the raw material, those intangible aspects of who we are in our identity. And when we go against these things, it's not even really going against them. Right. Like, what is happening around us is a direct reflection of what's going on within us. So, you know, you shouldn't be messing with body. You know, this person ain't right for you. That's out of alignment. And I speak a lot to the nervous system and how herpes is a nerve condition that presents itself on the skin. And given that the nerves, I. I use this analogy of talking about the nerves and nervous system is like a spider web. So you have herpes that's lingering on a spider web. And every time there's a stressor, there's a flickering of somewhere on that we. That disturbs the Herpes virus. So let's say you got work stress, relationship stress, you got sex with this person that stresses you out, and you got, like, nutrition issues, right? That's four things. And say you're in college or you're in school or some. Some class or something, or your job, right? So you got, like, these seven disturbances that are constantly disrupting herpes ability to rest. And so now it becomes uneasy, and it's frustrating. It's like, y', all, I'm just trying to live here peaceful, and this is not a good place for me to live. A take care of this. And it's telling you at a soft, gentle whisper, hey, take care of this. I need you to handle these stressors in your life, because it keeps waking me up, and I just want to chill. And then when you don't do that, it's like, all right, well, fuck it, I'm out of here. Boom, you got an outbreak. And now, like, you're paying attention to that thing, which makes you look at those stresses, because that's really all it is. It just wants to live. It just wants to hang out and chill. And I don't say this to, like, brag about myself, but people are always shocked when I tell them I've had three outbreaks over the last eight years. Eight years. 12 years. I'm tripping. Three outbreaks over the last 12 years. Eight years is how long I've been wanting something positive for positive people. And again, I had the first one when I had my first outbreak. I had my second one when I got fired from the job in the new city that I was living in. And then the third one was when I had a ton of sugar in a short period of time, which I later, you know, learned that had I not paid attention to that, I would have become pre diabetic. So there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot to. To be learned here, and I don't want to commit to taking a shift in approach. I don't want to attach myself to that. But I will say, I mean, if you've been listening to the last few episodes, especially the ones where it's just me, you'll hear that there is much more of like a. A peace, a calm, because for a while, I. I was struggling. That first half of this year, even. I mean, a lot of last year was difficult for me to have podcast episodes that I felt were good or useful, but I was just really shaken up. And I'm honestly surprised that I didn't have an outbreak. Even during these stresses. But I believe that there might have been a necessary stress, like, there was a need for the kind of stress that I experienced at least for the first half of 2025. And that. That put me in my place, so to speak, right? Like, I was active, I was moving. There was no. There was no. For me, everything that I was doing was for, you know, someone else or for the greater good of a big picture goal. And I invested so much into that big picture goal that when that big picture goal, like, I was forced out of that, I was forced to shift it. I was forced to. And it couldn't take form. So I. I think that tornado came and it forced me to sit my ass down, be homeless, be humbled, and in that stillness, who I was allowed for the outside world around me to take accurate form, to take accurate shape and align itself to my orbit. Like, allow it to orbit who I am. And I've been in this rhythm for. Probably since July, I've been in this rhythm, and I've seen it in my work, play and rest. These are the three categories that I've given myself of balancing my life. So for four months out of the year, I'm in work mode. Like, right now, I'm in work mode through February. So there's a lot more. There's a lot less time for play. There's a lot less time for rest. There is still some of that, but work is a priority. And then when we go into the spring, because that's when I was kind of forced to sit my ass down, I think that that's the season that I'm supposed to be resting. That transition from February to March, April, May, June, and then summer into fall. That's why I'm supposed to play. I think that that's the big play season. That's why I say yes to everything I go on the trips, I go see my. My peoples, do all the traveling. And I think that that's what. That's been my calibration. And I'm sharing this hopefully, because whenever I do this, like, somebody does reach out and they say, hey, that thing that you said in this episode resonates. And I've been scared to talk like this. I'm scared to say, yeah, I'm ashamed of how fucking happy I am, ashamed of how much joy I have. And I dumb that down. Like, I've been letting myself smile more than letting myself start conversations with people. I've been, like, buoyant as. And I'm watching One Piece, and the whole thing about him is I'm on episode 193 now. In two weeks I'm gonna finish this shit. But like, I, I see a lot of my repressed self in the main character, Luffy. Like, granted, he ain't, he ain't even really the big part of the story, right? Like he is what he represents. And I can get into that with people who like, want to talk about anime or talk about one piece. But yeah, I'm seeing that damn, dude. It's okay for you to be happy. And anybody who's uncomfortable with that happiness, like, I'm not in relationships with them anymore. I'm not at those jobs anymore. I'm not in social community with these people anymore. And there's so much of myself that again needed to be let go. But, you know, who we are is reflected and it's very much reflected in. Hey, good morning. Who we are is very much reflected in the world around us. So the world around us will inevitably show us who we are, where we are, how we are in these. Hey, her name Courtney Brown, MDMS type. I'm looking at this little screen at this college. So I'm at, I'm at my part time job for those who don't know. Yes, I also, I also work, I have a job. I'm also a yoga therapy training and I also, you know, do all of the day to day functions for the nonprofit. I do the podcast, I do the support calls, I run the support groups. Yes, including the women's support group because I mean, that's essentially what they've all been since I started offering any kind of support. Because a lot of times the men don't show up. I hate to say it, but those my people. And I think that maybe I just need to do a little bit more of being open, putting myself out there and sharing my experiences and stories in a way that men can align with. Because I recognize that I've done a lot of being neutral and not really sharing what my experiences really are. Especially as a man. I try and leave the space for the people who come share their stories and facilitate the space of that way. But I think that the more I just talk about me and my experiences, I think that the more men kind of gravitate towards that. And I don't want to, you know, be divisive in any way. I think it's important for us to have an integrated overall view of not just women's experiences, but men's experiences. Not just, you know, the experiences of queer people, but also the experiences of straight people not just non monogamous but also monogamous just kinky but also vanilla and yeah there's a place for all of these the religious, the non religious the spiritual, the non spiritual the the political right, the political left it's a place for all of that and that's one of the things that I fundamentally love about something positive for positive people is that this is a place where it don't matter who you are it don't matter what your beliefs are it don't matter what your values are, what you've done we all are connected through this thing that does not discriminate that just you know wants to live in the calm nervous system and so being able to settle into that and accept that for what it is it's been something that's been really helpful I would say I think it's been nice to just so yeah I'll leave it there that concludes this episode something positive for positive people feels like great reviews too this podcast and.