Podcast Summary:

Something Positive for Positive People – Episode 397

"What Herpes Taught Me About Addiction"

Date: December 3, 2025
Host: Courtney W. Brame
Guest: John

Episode Overview

Courtney Brame welcomes John, who shares his story of living with HSV2 (herpes simplex virus type 2) and recovering from sex addiction. Through a deeply personal conversation, the pair explore how John's herpes diagnosis intersected with his journey through addiction, examining themes of stigma, emotional regulation, attachment, and self-acceptance. The episode aims to reduce shame and encourage honest dialogue around sexual health and addiction, emphasizing the value of support groups and authentic sharing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Background

[03:11] John introduces himself as HSV2 positive and a recovering sex addict.
He chose to lead with his diagnosis and addiction because they feel significant to his identity, particularly in a context where others share similar experiences.

"I'm John. I am herpes 2 positive, and I'm also a recovering sex addict. So they're linked." – John (03:11)

"I think I'm really starting to accept that I'm not just the sex addict. I'm not just a herpes 2 positive. I'm John. This is part of me, but it's not the whole thing." — John (29:33)

2. Finding Support & Community

[04:27] John found Courtney and Something Positive for Positive People while searching for support after a bad outbreak and feeling isolated.
Recovery group peers were supportive, but not fully relatable due to the unique stigma of herpes.
The role of rapid and empathetic response ("jumped on a call … half an hour later") was highlighted.

3. Addiction: Origin, Patterns, and Awakening

[06:29] John has been in sex addiction recovery for three years, now 14 months sober.
Addiction not only to sex but to sexuality in general (including porn, masturbation), used as self-regulation since age 18.
John’s compulsive behaviors escalated until a dangerous episode involving sex work and extortion forced him to recognize the problem.

"Someone mentioned it to me, and ... I think was actually my therapist. He's like, it's not just sex addiction. It's addiction to sexuality. ... Anything where I'm just using that to regulate myself." – John (06:40)

"I ended up having to steal money from my parents to pay for an extortion, which definitely kind of broke their hearts, but it kind of woke me up." – John (07:27)

4. Sex Work, Consequences, and Regrets

[08:36] Seeing sex workers isn’t inherently "bad," but John’s engagement was compulsive, disconnected, and risky.
He began to view people transactionally, as "means to an end," leading to deep regret.
Emotional avoidance, seeking dopamine whether experiencing highs or lows.

"I honestly didn't care about the person. They were a means to an end. ...I didn't see them as a person." – John (10:23)

5. Family, Adoption, and Early Emotional Patterns

[11:28] Family dynamics, especially a father suffering from depression, led John to become "the man of the family" as a teen.
This premature responsibility and John’s experience as an adoptee caused insecurity, deep fear of rejection, and feeling like an outsider.

"If my birth mother can give me up, what's going to stop my adopted parents from giving me up? And what's going to stop other people from giving me up? ... It was an emotional void I had for years." – John (16:01)

6. The Mechanisms of Addiction: Sex, Love, and Spending

[14:56] John’s patterns included compulsive overspending and a ‘love addiction’ (intense attachment to new partners for validation).
The compulsive need to feel better or fill a void shifted from one addiction to another.
Addiction provided emotional numbness but sapped his ability to feel at moments (e.g., not crying at his grandmother's funeral).

"It was soothing. That's what it was. For me, I was looking ... for a form of control ... I was relying on that to regulate me and keep me centered." – John (20:30)

"I was emotionally numb. ... When my grandmother passed away, I didn't cry once." – John (22:12)

7. Attachment, Rejection, and Connection Avoidance

[25:31] John sought “attachment without the fear of rejection” – seeking intimacy through impersonal sex while avoiding emotional risk.
Describes avoidance as "social anorexia": wanting connection but fearing rejection.
Recent progress: pushing himself to make new friends and be vulnerable.

"I wanted the intimacy but without the fear of rejection. ... I could cut this person off anytime I needed." – John (25:31)

8. Herpes Diagnosis and Its Impact on Addiction

[31:42] John's herpes diagnosis has most acutely impacted his sex addiction—not work, friendships, or other pursuits.
Outbreaks force abstinence, triggering feelings of panic and withdrawal reminiscent of earlier recovery.
The HSV2 diagnosis, while challenging, has forced him towards deeper self-communication and honesty.

"Herpes right now is not affecting me going to work. ... It's only affecting the sex addiction part. And the sex addiction part is what's causing me to panic and freak out." – John (31:42)

9. Disclosure, Communication, and Relationships

[39:20] John emphasizes the necessity of open communication in relationships, especially regarding addiction and herpes.
After years of secrecy, he told his parents about his diagnosis to escape the "mental prison" of secrets.

“I felt like I was constructing a mental prison for myself. ... You're only as sick as your secret.” – John (40:22, 44:36)

Open communication is vital in both romantic and platonic relationships for ongoing recovery and self-acceptance.

"All you need is to be understood in that communication. And it can be a healthy relationship dynamic as far as we know or can speculate. I love the accountability." – Courtney (41:42)

10. Stigma & The “Double Nail”

[28:49] Stigma around sex addiction is distinct and often more judgmental than that of substance addictions—causing further isolation.
Fears of being unlovable: “Who’s gonna wanna be with a sex addict? ... What does that mean for me? Is that another nail in the coffin?”
Yet John begins to see potential blessing in his diagnosis: increased honesty and deeper communication with others.

11. Integrating the Experience & Final Reflections

[48:41] John hopes sharing his story will help others with addiction or herpes to feel less alone and ashamed.
He frames both addiction and herpes as parts of him—not his whole identity.

“I don’t write my name as John Sex love, you know, spending social anorexic herpes 2 positive person. I just write my name down. That’s it. I’m me. This is part of me, which I would honestly, I wish it wasn’t. But I got to live with it. ... I’ve gotten to that point with my addiction that I’m more than my addiction. ... With herpes too, I think I’m slowly getting there. ... I’m more than just the diagnosis.” – John (52:57)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“I have to be fully comfortable with myself. And once I come to terms, because I’m still in the transition period of accepting that I’m herpes 2 positive ... And once I come to terms with that, I’ll address it.” – John (32:04)
"You take care of the addiction that's going to kill you first, and then you take care of other ones." – John, quoting his therapist (20:30)
"The only thing that I felt in my body to ask you to do was just to share your experience and put that out there." – Courtney (33:26)
“This is how we heal. We heal through not only having our stories witnessed by other people and being able to share them, but through what's possible on the other side of knowing it’s out there.” – Courtney (43:02)

Important Timestamps

03:11 – John’s introduction; linking HSV2 and sex addiction
06:29 – Start of John’s sex addiction recovery story
08:36 – Discussion of sex work, extortion incident, and consequences
14:56 – Compulsive overspending and emotional void rooted in adoption
20:30 – Addiction as emotional regulation and control
25:31 – How attachment issues fueled casual sex and social avoidance
31:42 – Unique ways herpes diagnosis affects addiction and self-concept
39:20 – Communication in relationships and disclosing to parents
44:36 – The relief and freedom after breaking secrecy with family
52:57 – Final reflection on identity: being more than diagnosis or addiction

Takeaways

Addiction—whether to sex, love, or spending—often has roots in childhood, family dynamics, and attachment issues.
Stigma around sexual health and addiction is a double burden, but openness, honesty, and supportive communities are powerful tools for healing.
Herpes, while painful and disruptive especially to those whose addiction is linked to sexuality, has paradoxically prompted greater self-acceptance and emotional growth for John.
Authentic communication—both with oneself and others—is essential for healthy relationships and ongoing recovery.
One’s diagnosis or addiction does not define the entirety of who they are.

For support, resources, or to share your story, visit spfpp.org

Podcast Summary:

Something Positive for Positive People – Episode 397

"What Herpes Taught Me About Addiction"

Date: December 3, 2025
Host: Courtney W. Brame
Guest: John

Episode Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Background

[03:11] John introduces himself as HSV2 positive and a recovering sex addict.
He chose to lead with his diagnosis and addiction because they feel significant to his identity, particularly in a context where others share similar experiences.

"I'm John. I am herpes 2 positive, and I'm also a recovering sex addict. So they're linked." – John (03:11)

"I think I'm really starting to accept that I'm not just the sex addict. I'm not just a herpes 2 positive. I'm John. This is part of me, but it's not the whole thing." — John (29:33)

2. Finding Support & Community

[04:27] John found Courtney and Something Positive for Positive People while searching for support after a bad outbreak and feeling isolated.
Recovery group peers were supportive, but not fully relatable due to the unique stigma of herpes.
The role of rapid and empathetic response ("jumped on a call … half an hour later") was highlighted.

3. Addiction: Origin, Patterns, and Awakening

[06:29] John has been in sex addiction recovery for three years, now 14 months sober.
Addiction not only to sex but to sexuality in general (including porn, masturbation), used as self-regulation since age 18.
John’s compulsive behaviors escalated until a dangerous episode involving sex work and extortion forced him to recognize the problem.

"Someone mentioned it to me, and ... I think was actually my therapist. He's like, it's not just sex addiction. It's addiction to sexuality. ... Anything where I'm just using that to regulate myself." – John (06:40)

"I ended up having to steal money from my parents to pay for an extortion, which definitely kind of broke their hearts, but it kind of woke me up." – John (07:27)

4. Sex Work, Consequences, and Regrets

[08:36] Seeing sex workers isn’t inherently "bad," but John’s engagement was compulsive, disconnected, and risky.
He began to view people transactionally, as "means to an end," leading to deep regret.
Emotional avoidance, seeking dopamine whether experiencing highs or lows.

"I honestly didn't care about the person. They were a means to an end. ...I didn't see them as a person." – John (10:23)

5. Family, Adoption, and Early Emotional Patterns

[11:28] Family dynamics, especially a father suffering from depression, led John to become "the man of the family" as a teen.
This premature responsibility and John’s experience as an adoptee caused insecurity, deep fear of rejection, and feeling like an outsider.

"If my birth mother can give me up, what's going to stop my adopted parents from giving me up? And what's going to stop other people from giving me up? ... It was an emotional void I had for years." – John (16:01)

6. The Mechanisms of Addiction: Sex, Love, and Spending

[14:56] John’s patterns included compulsive overspending and a ‘love addiction’ (intense attachment to new partners for validation).
The compulsive need to feel better or fill a void shifted from one addiction to another.
Addiction provided emotional numbness but sapped his ability to feel at moments (e.g., not crying at his grandmother's funeral).

"It was soothing. That's what it was. For me, I was looking ... for a form of control ... I was relying on that to regulate me and keep me centered." – John (20:30)

"I was emotionally numb. ... When my grandmother passed away, I didn't cry once." – John (22:12)

7. Attachment, Rejection, and Connection Avoidance

[25:31] John sought “attachment without the fear of rejection” – seeking intimacy through impersonal sex while avoiding emotional risk.
Describes avoidance as "social anorexia": wanting connection but fearing rejection.
Recent progress: pushing himself to make new friends and be vulnerable.

"I wanted the intimacy but without the fear of rejection. ... I could cut this person off anytime I needed." – John (25:31)

8. Herpes Diagnosis and Its Impact on Addiction

[31:42] John's herpes diagnosis has most acutely impacted his sex addiction—not work, friendships, or other pursuits.
Outbreaks force abstinence, triggering feelings of panic and withdrawal reminiscent of earlier recovery.
The HSV2 diagnosis, while challenging, has forced him towards deeper self-communication and honesty.

"Herpes right now is not affecting me going to work. ... It's only affecting the sex addiction part. And the sex addiction part is what's causing me to panic and freak out." – John (31:42)

9. Disclosure, Communication, and Relationships

[39:20] John emphasizes the necessity of open communication in relationships, especially regarding addiction and herpes.
After years of secrecy, he told his parents about his diagnosis to escape the "mental prison" of secrets.

“I felt like I was constructing a mental prison for myself. ... You're only as sick as your secret.” – John (40:22, 44:36)

Open communication is vital in both romantic and platonic relationships for ongoing recovery and self-acceptance.

"All you need is to be understood in that communication. And it can be a healthy relationship dynamic as far as we know or can speculate. I love the accountability." – Courtney (41:42)

10. Stigma & The “Double Nail”

[28:49] Stigma around sex addiction is distinct and often more judgmental than that of substance addictions—causing further isolation.
Fears of being unlovable: “Who’s gonna wanna be with a sex addict? ... What does that mean for me? Is that another nail in the coffin?”
Yet John begins to see potential blessing in his diagnosis: increased honesty and deeper communication with others.

11. Integrating the Experience & Final Reflections

[48:41] John hopes sharing his story will help others with addiction or herpes to feel less alone and ashamed.
He frames both addiction and herpes as parts of him—not his whole identity.

“I don’t write my name as John Sex love, you know, spending social anorexic herpes 2 positive person. I just write my name down. That’s it. I’m me. This is part of me, which I would honestly, I wish it wasn’t. But I got to live with it. ... I’ve gotten to that point with my addiction that I’m more than my addiction. ... With herpes too, I think I’m slowly getting there. ... I’m more than just the diagnosis.” – John (52:57)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“I have to be fully comfortable with myself. And once I come to terms, because I’m still in the transition period of accepting that I’m herpes 2 positive ... And once I come to terms with that, I’ll address it.” – John (32:04)
"You take care of the addiction that's going to kill you first, and then you take care of other ones." – John, quoting his therapist (20:30)
"The only thing that I felt in my body to ask you to do was just to share your experience and put that out there." – Courtney (33:26)
“This is how we heal. We heal through not only having our stories witnessed by other people and being able to share them, but through what's possible on the other side of knowing it’s out there.” – Courtney (43:02)

Important Timestamps

03:11 – John’s introduction; linking HSV2 and sex addiction
06:29 – Start of John’s sex addiction recovery story
08:36 – Discussion of sex work, extortion incident, and consequences
14:56 – Compulsive overspending and emotional void rooted in adoption
20:30 – Addiction as emotional regulation and control
25:31 – How attachment issues fueled casual sex and social avoidance
31:42 – Unique ways herpes diagnosis affects addiction and self-concept
39:20 – Communication in relationships and disclosing to parents
44:36 – The relief and freedom after breaking secrecy with family
52:57 – Final reflection on identity: being more than diagnosis or addiction

Takeaways

Addiction—whether to sex, love, or spending—often has roots in childhood, family dynamics, and attachment issues.
Stigma around sexual health and addiction is a double burden, but openness, honesty, and supportive communities are powerful tools for healing.
Herpes, while painful and disruptive especially to those whose addiction is linked to sexuality, has paradoxically prompted greater self-acceptance and emotional growth for John.
Authentic communication—both with oneself and others—is essential for healthy relationships and ongoing recovery.
One’s diagnosis or addiction does not define the entirety of who they are.

For support, resources, or to share your story, visit spfpp.org

SPFPP 397: What Herpes Taught Me About Addiction

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Summary

Podcast Summary:

Something Positive for Positive People – Episode 397

"What Herpes Taught Me About Addiction"

Episode Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Background

2. Finding Support & Community

3. Addiction: Origin, Patterns, and Awakening

4. Sex Work, Consequences, and Regrets

5. Family, Adoption, and Early Emotional Patterns

6. The Mechanisms of Addiction: Sex, Love, and Spending

7. Attachment, Rejection, and Connection Avoidance

8. Herpes Diagnosis and Its Impact on Addiction

9. Disclosure, Communication, and Relationships

10. Stigma & The “Double Nail”

11. Integrating the Experience & Final Reflections

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Important Timestamps

Takeaways

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Something Positive for Positive People – Episode 397

"What Herpes Taught Me About Addiction"

Episode Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction & Background

2. Finding Support & Community

3. Addiction: Origin, Patterns, and Awakening

4. Sex Work, Consequences, and Regrets

5. Family, Adoption, and Early Emotional Patterns

6. The Mechanisms of Addiction: Sex, Love, and Spending

7. Attachment, Rejection, and Connection Avoidance

8. Herpes Diagnosis and Its Impact on Addiction

9. Disclosure, Communication, and Relationships

10. Stigma & The “Double Nail”

11. Integrating the Experience & Final Reflections

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Important Timestamps

Takeaways