← Something Positive for Positive People
Something Positive for Positive People
SPFPP 400: What Herpes Taught Me About Authenticity - Part 1
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Hello and welcome to Something positive for Positive people. Positive Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization serving people who are navigating Perfect. And I'm finally getting around to recording. Episode 400 is February 17, 2026. And I've been promising this since December and I, I want to take accountability. Accountability on saying I was going to do something and then not do it because I very much am the kind of person who I do what I say I'm going to do. And really there's no excuse. A lot of things have been happening I have been really, really busy with in a good way, good way. Just for perspective, in 2025 we had 277 support call signups that I've tracked and more than half of those came after July and 2026. For January we had 78 or 77 support call signups and that was for the month of January. I want to say envelope 10 to 15% of people sign up don't show up. I get a couple like troll people who take the time to fill out the support call form and then I contact them and they're like I don't know what you're talking about. So I can only assume somebody probably signed up for them. They don't know anything about it, but it is what it is. And for the month Of February, roughly 40 people have signed up for support comments and that just speaks to one avenue of how busy I've been. I'm also in yoga therapy training. Almost done. I have two more class modules to complete and then I have a 50 hour project that I have to kind of create on my own and I'm thinking of putting something together for how I've been using yoga therapy with clients to support them through herpes. In addition to that I still work part time teaching them on the genital exams, teaching associate from different schools across the city. New York City is, I don't want to say the state because like anything I can't get to within three hours. I don't know if I, I ain't got it in to to do any travel beyond. But yeah, in addition to that have been dating and I came to some hard realizations very very recently that I'll talk about that in this podcast episode. In addition to that I'm a W2 employee of something positive for possible people which I should have been over the last nine years but timing is everything and now I'm officially registered in the state of New York. They took the money from the check that I had to write to fill out the registration paperwork. So a lot of what I've been doing is taking the time that I would say about five hours a week is what goes into a podcast. If you go and factor in not just the recording and editing, but if I'm doing it with a guest, I have to do outreach. I got to make sure that they're on the same page. I got to also make sure to create marketing materials to make it worth their time. Website and whatever social media platforms. And then uploading. I don't edit. I should, but editing. Typically in my experience, for every 15 minutes of content, there's about an hour of editing that had gone into that at the time. But I. It's just me. So I think that I'm able to save a lot of time. But with that five hours a week I've had to. I've been able to do a lot of admin stuff. I've been able to go back and backtrack and revise things on the website, which I think has really contributed to the momentum we've been building in terms of having people finding the website. There have been a lot of people who have found something possible for possible people immediately after their diagnosis. So within days even leaving the doctor's office, reaching out to hey, those are coming. The results are coming. And my doctor told me to look for support group. And that's another thing I've been able to do the first and third Mondays of each month. I have a women's support group which I lead. And then there is the men support group, probably the second and fourth Monday of the month. All of these are 7:30pm Eastern time. And if there's the fifth Monday, the group's coed and I bring somebody in to share their experience and answer whatever questions people may have. I've been given some opportunities to speak. We have the STARS workshop where I'll be responsible for the sexual health portion with Dr. Evelyn Dacker. That's happening in Courtney, Oregon on March 7th. If you're interested. Hit me up. No, I will be doing some traveling while I'm out there on the west coast night as well. So we go visit some friends and make some time to do some things I really want to do. And it'll be March, so it should be warming up. I want to say it's been a lot of snow out here on the east coast in Brooklyn, so I'm looking forward to escaping from some of that. I have the National 6ed Conference, which is actually next week. I present on the 25th, just talking about how we can minimize her restating. It's kind of not the. I go to these presentations now and I actually made. Not a PowerPoint, but I made it in Canada. So I got slides now looking real professional. I got some feedback from presenting at Coppin State University last year. Shout out to the title nine coordinator there. I don't know how people feel about me, so I can just say that if you want to go find a good luck, go ahead, go for me. But yeah, she gave me some really good feedback and some of that feedback was to make a presentation and it landed really, really well last year, the first half of the year, I said this a few times, but the first, first half of 2025 was not coming to me. And I just passed the one year mark of where my relationship ended, you know, verbally to say, because, you know, it's still like a term you think, you know, somebody might be getting back together or whatever. So I had some really tough feelings coming up for myself over that week. What was today? Yeah, it was a little bit about a week and a half ago that I was hitting the anniversary. And during that time, like, I recognized some high, emotionally intense and charged feelings. And I tried to, you know, set that aside from the other things that I had, but I recognized that was still something that affected me. And yeah, I did some work around that for myself and ultimately came to the realization that, I don't know, people were wrong about me. I can't. I can't listen to what other people say because I let myself be very impressionable. The sense that both I let both my ex and my therapist tell me I was something I'm not. They both were like, yeah, you're polyamorous. Like, no, that doesn't fit. And then in accepting that identity and that label for myself, I think that I started to act in a way that I believe to be polyamorous. But also coming out of the relationship where you think you're going to be with somebody for this in your life, right? Like, I think that maybe there's a cord cutting type thing that needs to happen where there's also time to recalibrate yourself, myself, otherwise what would happen is what happened to me where anybody who came into the picture immediately after, like, not just the breakup, but like the time that I thought was enough time before I started dating anybody. I gave myself three months of grieving from the time that the relationship ended before I saw anybody else. And then I was still finding myself treating people the same way, like treating people like my relationship and not doing a lot of the things that people do when they're dating someone or when they're getting to know somebody new. And it took me until literally mid January to realize, oh, that's what I'm still doing. And when I had that realization, I started to do some research. I reached out to a relationship coach, shout out to Kat. She's a polyamorous dating coach. And I was like, hey, I don't think I'm polyandros. I really don't believe that's a. And so we got into it, like, she has graphs for me, she has some language for me. And one of the things that she pointed out to me was that something worth looking into, working on is appropriate distances with people between, like your immediate circle. And then you've got like your communities, your friends, friend groups, family, and then further outside of that, like people that you associate with. Or this is where you would have a casual relationships. And I've been looking at Adams. No, I had to bring it up. And that, that makes sense because there's the nucleus of the atom, where this is where your core, closest values, beliefs are. And then the second shell, which is where like, that's more community, friends, whatnot. I believe this is where, like, your consistent behaviors exist. And then shell 3 is like the testing ground for new things, new people. How you engage with the world and the reality reflected around you from that's based off of your inner. Your outer world is reflective of your inner. So looking from upward, we're looking at the third shell of an atom as a reality, real world picture of what's happening in your internal world. So if there's inconsistencies between your nucleus, which is your behaviors and your beliefs and your identity, then the 3D world will show you a picture that you're kind of like, wait a minute, that's weird, that's inconsistent. And that, that. That's been the case for me over some time. And I couldn't speak to it because I know at the time, like, coming out of that relationship, I was going to reback for a minute. And so any relationship that would have come to fruition through that there was not a grounded version of me that was sustainably convenient kind of connections, relationships, and ended up seeing people who do also identify as polyamorous. And when I came to the realization that maybe that's not me, I think that what I did was appropriately and quickly give that information, especially because I know that that kind of thing is important to people. Like some. Some conversations that we've had is like, as a polyandrous person, you should date monogamous people or they only date non monogamous people. So and having these conversations, for me, it was like real celebratory thing to like, have some clarity around my identity, recognizing who I am, what makes me up, who I'm not, and where these inconsistencies are for me. And when I presented those to the people around me, I don't know if it was in my presentation timing or what, but I got a lot of like, not what I expected. Let's just say that. And I take responsibility for. I guess it can feel like maybe using people that, that that's the closest thing, like there was guilt initially, because first off, I didn't expect full for the reactions that I got to be the reactions that I got. But in hindsight and talking to people, what ended up happening was I go from my relationship thinking that I had enough time to, you know, be single or like, be by myself. And with what was happening for me and entering into these relationships under the identity of polyamorous and that, that, that means different things to different people. People. But I adopted this label that. That didn't align with me. And I only did it because this is what other people told me, credible people, right? See, one that I thought I was spending the rest of my life with as a partner. And then my therapist, who I've been working with five hairs, right? So entering the world of dating now being like, hey, I'm polyamorous, There were people who, you know, that became close and I want to say, like, grounded me, like really grounded, because I was not. Okay, I was. I can use the word depressed in this context because, like, I'm not somebody who believes in attaching the identity to these things that aren't identifiers, right? You can be depressed and identify in that way or you can have depression, right? Have had depression, right? So the more accurate articulation of this is that I had depression. And it looked very different than what I think it can look like for a lot of other people. And that depression didn't just. It didn't start when the breakup happened in February. It didn't start when the. The reality of this relationships pulled, right? Like, that's. That's it. It didn't start at the point of realizing, okay, like, I'm happy and I'm able to be myself now. It was almost like little. Little itty bitty. It's like death about a thousand paper cuts, right? Because even at that time, My great grandmother went to the hospital, hospital, my college roommate had passed away. I, shortly after like my home was destroyed by a tornado which ultimately ended up being a blessing in the long run. But these were things that were happening in my life that really rocked my world, disoriented me and I ain't even had time to process those things because all, you know, the while I'm still trying to make sure to sustain this right like this vehicle of my passion, purpose and the thing that has in fact kept me grounded to some extent over the last nine years now. And I, I wasn't fit to manage it in the way that it has been managed over time. Like the, throughout the years of it being consistently a podcast, a space where people can go and get herpes information etc, and that was because I was all over the place. I was not grounded. I was very much like I didn't have a job technically I wasn't working. I mean I did work, but I, I wasn't carrying that same momentum from something positive for possible people. And in fact also, you know, previously I was really locked in and focused on the men's emotional wellness Work Through Self, which was a non profit that I had started, you know, while in my previous relationship. And I was ready to abandon this, I was ready to leave something positive alone, right, and do that full like fully. And things were working out to where it could have happened, but it didn't, it didn't work out. And I, I had gotten to a point where I realized I was spread then and I had to make some decisions and, and making those decisions again, all of this stuff happening in the background, undercurrent things, I ended up, you know, losing that relationship, lost, you know, the what Self was. I lost my identity. And yeah, I, I lost, I lost a community as well. In hindsight, you know, I recognize that the sex education space is primarily not all the way straight women at least and I'm one of very few heterosexual men, men that are in this space. And the identity aspect of it I think, you know, it came down to at the end of the day I'm straight man. So like if somebody gotta get elbowed out of his face, you know, between you know, selecting from two people who I guess, like, I don't know what the narrative is, but if there was any issues with Courtney, it's like a sahu choked. And so now having lost that community too, there was so much of a loss of identity despite having learned so much from it. And I would forever be grateful for the opportunities that Came like, I'm a co author in a book. I get the book that I presented at various conferences on my resume. I have the experience language of being able to be a much more supportive personal resource to populations of people that I otherwise would never have had exposure to. And also had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun connecting with people. Like, I got. Had some great relationships and sexual experiences as career opportunities. So yeah, it. There was a lot both. There was a lot of loss, was a lot of grief. And grief is not linear. That's one of the things Antonio said. That's one of my yoga therapy instructions instructors. And all the while still trying to, like, I still had things that I had to do, but I could only do what was right in front of me at the time. And I. I look up now and it feels like I'm just waking up from that nightmare of an experience. Mind you, stuff still had to happen. Like, I got to New York and I think I was just on autopilot. I was on autopilot from July probably through August, September. And that's where I think things started to really ramp up for me and the reality of, yo, where you doing this? I remember in 2023, I said to myself, I was like, I'm moving to New York. Moving to New York. I was coming out here for things with the health departments and documentary showing and screening, and there was. There were a handful of things that were happening out here. And I was like, damn, you know, if I come out here and just put this here, what could happen? And I'm experiencing that. And it doesn't look nearly as clear as I anticipated when I was making decision fire, but it looks the way that it has to look. I'm now in a place where being forced into, like, not having that support, that community, that foundation, I got to build my own. Like, I lost people. I lost people as a result of that breakup. And you know, one thing that I'll say that I learned, you know, from that relationship ending is like, she used to say to you, everybody ain't your friend. And tying into my relationship coaching call. Or she was like, you need to appropriately place people. I was like, damn, that statement makes a lot more sense now. So is is interesting to be able to receive the same kind of information from a place of having had experiences and then develop a little bit more maturity now. And having been away from a place that, yeah, a lot of my identity was interconnected with that space. And I used to believe that I needed to have like, my own Separate identity from something positive. Positive people. Because it felt like that was making up who I am, but the reality is like, it's the other way around. Like who I am. Like something positive is an extension, Courtney. And I was letting people get in my head about, you know, Courtney being an extension of some positive repository people. That ain't, that ain't the case. And as I, you know, go back to just everything that was going on at that time. Yeah, like I looked up and was just in relationships after being so ungrounded, finally receiving some type of grounding to be able to settle myself into this newfound space that I'm in. Being in New York, being a full time employee of my own non profit organization, and managing all of that and navigating that growth, like the growth that has happened since sitting my ass down in a place that lies in an environment that aligns with my identity as, I mean, I'm different. Like, I'm adjacent to a lot of spaces. And there is no, you know, people say the herpes community. Like, the herpes community is, is like, it's like if you have a lighter and you're flickering the lighter and it's just not catching flight lane. Whereas you have the sex positive community that, you know, you like that. You know what it is? There's a fire there, kink community, fire there, rope, LGBT black men. Right. You have all of these things that have a long lasting fire. Right. Whereas for me with the hurricanes community, it's just like a constant flickering. Right. Maybe people show up to things. Maybe people sign up and show up to things that are in person. Maybe people, you know, engage and maybe people want to do the advocacy thing. And I feel like I was part of a fire, especially in the sex education space until, you know, recent events. And so even in that, I felt the same way about polyamory. I felt the same way about like even being an ally to the LGBT community, even with like, like ropes. And more recently, like, I'm getting into dance classes. I've been going to zoo classes for about six months now and getting a lot of comfortable with that. Like, it feels that everything that I make an effort to involve myself with, like, just doesn't catch. And I, I was listening to or I was scrolling Instagram and Sham Bo did a podcast, but I think one of Nick Cannon's wives, or ex wives, but she made a comment, she was like, Nick isn't polyamorous. You know, she was like, he always says to label me is to disable me. I felt that in my Soul. And I was like, damn. You know, I'm not a. And even I've been hanging out with people who are in the Burning man community as well, which I always have. But I never felt like a burner myself. It was like, you're one of us. I was like, I can't say that. Like, I'm adjacent to y'. All. Like, I enjoy, you know, hanging out with y', all, doing what it is that we do. Like, it's real cool. Like, I enjoy experiencing this. But that's y' all culture. And having to. Haven't gotten to this point. Like, I realized that my. My own identity, own culture, the.
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There's This.
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A very interesting intersection of adjacencies that have combined to make me who I feel like I am. And I can't. I can't put that in the language. I can't put into language. You know, these are my identifiers. This is what I believe in. This is what I stand for. Like, I believe that through the thing that aligns for me, like taking something positive for positive people like this as an extension of me. It goes beyond supporting people living with herpes. It goes beyond the mental health piece. It goes beyond the yoga. Like, this in itself is a literal example of taking the negativity of a herpes diagnosis and creating something with that. Like, I've said this in past episodes, positive definition is. It means presence. The word negative just means abs like, or infinite potential, right? Like, it's a negative charge. But positivity and negativity are drawn to each other, right? These two forces, they attract, but they never completely merge. So these, to me, are two complementary forces to each other that when in safe proximity, like, there's the opportunity to do something with them both. And this is a perfect example of what happens when you take negative and positive and you apply your consciousness, your awareness, the power of choice to put them in, like, a dance. So the way that negativity works is like, negativity represents motion. It's constantly moving. And positivity represents stillness. And it's like a song. It's like a constant hum that electrons are. Or negativity is drawn to. And it's. When we bring. Bring our awareness to this music. Think about, like, a constant. And, you know, we got that as the proton, which is still the neutron, or the electron, which is constantly motion, and the neutron, which is a neutral force. That's us. Our power of choice. And where we put our awareness, it's almost like we. We give a rhythm to that. So if the proton's going, and we come in and we, like, we muffle that or amplify it so we change to a. Right. The electrons, which are constantly in motion. Negativity will align in an orbit that naturally is created by the forces of nature that I will not go all the way into. But I've been. I've been reading up on this, and it's been existing in that way where I am the neutron force that. That has been focusing more on stillness. Like my mantra has become do nothing and the things that are in motion to the rhythm of that stillness orbit in the way that, like, atoms have electrons in there or. Right. And that's been the way that I've been living my life and getting myself out of that depressed state that I was in and being able to align myself in an environment that nurtures my nature. And that'll be something that y' all probably hear me say a lot more later down the road. But the. The ultimate goal here is that what something positive for positive people does is it nurtures my nature as an extension of who I am. Me being able to infinitely pour myself, presence, my resources, time, money, energy, attention, all of that into this space. It's like giving a rhythm to that constant hum of positivity, of stillness. Right? Napoleon Hill and the. The book Outwitting the Devil. In the book, the devil describes himself as all negative energy, or the negative portion of the atom, which is the electron. So that's the devil and God being the positive force, positivity, the proton. And as the neutral force, neutron, we stabilize the proton and basically give rhythm to the song that it's singing. Because it can't move like the proton. I can't move, but the electrons can. And so they get into orbit and it's like a dance is happening. Like there's a DJ of my life. And the awareness and attention that I give to the positive makes the negative fall in line that aligns because that's infinite potential for energy expression. When I was going through everything that I was going through, my negative force was not singing the song. It wasn't DJing. It was. It left the turntable. It was just dancing with everything out of whack and all over the place. And that's where disorder and chaos came from. Because it's almost like there's a blind relationship between positivity and negativity that when the neutron is able to stabilize the atom and bring our awareness to the positive and we're present, right? It's almost like the nucleus solidifies and those orbits become real for the negative energy to be able to orbit. And the negative energy becomes a visual expression of that positive energy that otherwise wouldn't be able to directly engage with each other. So it's like there are two different planes of existence. The pro, the positive energy, and then the negative energy. And that's a neutral force. We create a bridge for those two to interact in a way that allows for the proton to do what it does, which is to be powerful and express and for the electrons to do what they do, which is constantly move, but to give them purpose and emotion. And that's. That's been my saving grace. I say, like, I was. I wasn't suicidal or anything like that, but I was lost. I was stuck. I was stagnant. And the more that I started to look into that relationship of Adam, it's like I started to see that there's a star metaphor in that. Like, what stars do is the same thing that I'm describing for atoms and the same thing for people. For me, as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, everything else falls into place. And sometimes that looks like doing nothing and just taking in aligned action and choosing what it is that I engage with and not chasing. And in that, I found myself, like, experiencing a lot more peace, a lot more pleasure, a lot more contentment, and a lot more just rhythm. There's a rhythm to life that I think that I found and I learned what the purpose of this shooting is for my. Myself. This may not be true for you. I want to project my shame to you. But if you look at the atom's purpose, I guess to achieve maximum evolution, minimal waste, so minimal effort, maximum potential is reached. And there's an evolution process that occurs, right? Like, you take in what's useful, you get rid of what's not useful. And our engagements with people, things, opportunities, challenges, obstacles, we evolve from those things and our identities change. We grow and develop and evolve. And that's where I find myself now, having looked up and been like, damn, you know, I've been wearing these layers and identities, and that actually, I guess, doesn't serve me anymore. It doesn't look fine. And there's still, like, piece of me that once to repay my debt. Like, the universe is big on balance. So I'm a firm believer in karma. And it feels like sometimes the decisions that I make are ones that come from the place of. Of like, wanting to be ahead of the curve on karma. Like, I want to proactively, like, put this out there and do right thing, do what's good. But God, the universe, they don't reward what's right, they don't punish what's wrong. What it is about is alignment. Right? You get rewarded for evolving with and not wasting energy. Like it can't be created or destroyed. You're given it, you're put in an environment. And what you do in that environment is what nature rewards in in turn. So the environment of me getting herpes and you know, creating something like this from that is ultimately like my experience with what I'm saying here of taking the negative and turning it into a vehicle for something positive by giving it an outlet. So it's more than that as, you know, just a platform for people. Herpes, it's literally an extension of me and how I engage with the world. Like I will take something negative and produce something positive that don't work for people. So I, I can't, I can't save people. That's another lesson that I've learned as a result of mates pre 5. And I think that not appropriately placing people has put me in consistent positions where, you know, I view people as, you know, people at the core of them. Like the nature of the thing is more important than the form. So the energy, the essence of the person, like I see that and want to be supportive in that. But also people are people and you can't save everybody, you can't save nobody. All you can do is, you know, offer presence, be there with them and let them be who they are. And I, I'm learning just the importance of that authenticity. Because when you are authentic, you do things that align, your behaviors, your beliefs align and the reality that is around you aligns too. And whenever there's any inconsistencies, you can approach those with curiosity and make whatever necessary adjustments that need to be made. And for me, I think that the, the last few settings of layers before I can like really see this boom, like I know it's supposed to, is looking at where energy is inauthentically being wasted or leaking. I don't want to call it a waste, but where it's leaking. And I was doing that with like trying to sustain and maintain like these super long, long distance relationships with people that, you know, I feel like I owe for being there. For me, at the time where I was, I was down, I was down. And yeah, it feels shitty, but like also being nice is kind of what, what, what got me into this situation. Like listening to other people not being like, hey, that don't that don't feel right, I'm not gonna do that. And boundaries are another thing that came up as an issue in my last relationship. So like she, she was right about some things and some of those things have resurfaced even a year later. And on one hand it's like, damn, if I really not changed. Other hand it's like, damn, yo, this is really who I am. And that in being able to present that like people be able to see me for who I am, to take me as I am, but also to me, I have to live that and be forthcoming about like, hey, this is what's important to me, like my work through something positive for positive people. If it's not this, if they cure herpes tomorrow, there will be something else that comes out of my, there will be something else that comes out of as an extension. And I, I've been a very like non attached, like not jealous person. But I give a, I give a, I care and this is a thing that I care about. And I've, I've let myself, you know, get to a place where I've been with a person or with people, the people who were there for me and like my capacity to give to them was like infinite because I wasn't doing this. I was having 70 support calls in a month, wasn't having to do my yoga therapy class, I wasn't going to work and do the general exams. Sometimes like I had, I had that three days in one week, like two weeks ago. I think it was two weeks ago. Three days in one week. That is unheard of. I usually do three days a month and prioritizing, like maintaining this self sustainability, prioritizing, making an effort to build community. And I was doing this backwards because like to me I wanted to just pick up where I left off and being in the kind of relationship that I thought that I had working towards because it was almost like, yes, we beat the game, but let's get. And you know, the reality is that that wasn't the case. And looking back now, like I, I could see there have been people that I've seen who like, they want a future, but I gave them Drake. And what I mean by that is like they just wanted something, a one time thing, a casual hookup. And then I like gave them lover boy Courtney, who was in a relationship. So it was just like in a situation of not having, not, not severed the ties because that doesn't, that doesn't like having to get out of that mode of this is how I engage with a person that I call partner. And this is also how I engage with the person I call friend. And this is how I engage with a person that I do work with. Like, I believe in treating the people who, you know, way to treat people. But what I've learned is that the discernment is important, right? Like keep people, you know, where they rightfully belong. And that's something that I only just now learned too. You let people get closer as they earn the right to be closer. And don't just start people out with planet person insurance. That's a hard thing for me because it's what I've done. Like, that's who I have been and you know, recent relationship, right? Like, she told me, she's like, we got. What are you doing? I'm sorry, what you mean? Because to me, that was just my normal. And that normal that don't work, that don't always work and apply to everybody. So I'm. I'm sharing this because people have been asking me, like, how you been? And now I'm at a good enough place to. Where this experience is something that I think highlights one of the points that I've made over the years is that this going way bigger than I got herpes. And I, I'm scared of rejection. I don't have to tell anybody because I'm scared of rejection. That's what you scared of. I get it, right? We. We get newly diagnosed and, you know, our world turns up upside down. We don't know what's what. But also, man, like, that can be a reason, an excuse to not look at other things that could be more prevalent, more so impacting you. And in my case, like, yeah, the, the herpes wasn't an issue relationship. It wasn't an issue with college roommate passing. It wasn't an issue on Movie the Tomato. It wasn't an issue and any of the relationships that I was in. But the real issue was for me, like, what comes to mind again, like, there's two things I need to speak to. One is, I guess maybe self sabotage in a way. But I can remember when I was 12, 13 years old, friend Nick, rest in peace. He. He actually passed away during the Joplin tornado. Joplin, Missouri tornadoes years ago. Like, that's something that was happening with me because it's like, well, I lost like my two best friends from childhood. We had lost contact as we just got older and when we got high school when I found that out, but I remember he was dating this girl and he, he was a year older. She's like my big brother and he had put me on her sister. And so we were talking, we dated, texted and all that. And we finally got to meet, go to the movies, right? So this was, we go to the movies and she comes around the corner, I see it and I just take off running. I just, I took off. I don't know what it was, but I ran, right? And so that's one part of this that I wanted to share. Because the, the reason that I'm bringing that up is this is like the first time that I can really, you know, gauge a relationship with women and that I've had relationships with women. And another piece of that is that there was a distance but then boom, we got too close in proximity. Like here you are like tangible. I could see you, put my hands with you, touch you, hug you, and I run. It was like, no, this is too close. Me and I had a recent experience with, with that as well. Like literally two days ago, three, two, three days ago, where we got too close. And I just, I found a reason to be like, ah, this ain't for me. This ain't for me. And there's something to be said for there being like a safety and proximity and distance too, because like a longer distance, this relationship. Because 12 year old me, I'm, I'm three times that age. I don't live not the 12 year old, but up through the 24 year old and now through the 36 year old. And I still see how that manifests now in adulthood where it's now not about, I guess it is still physical but like in those short spurts of time, like the, the distance is, is good and yet not sustainable. But like the intensity, compact bit of time together is like, it's great, it's perfect. We part ways and get back to doing our own thing or whatever. And that's been something that has been safe for me but also not sustainable. Right. And the other component of this is as it relates to, as it relates to herpes. And I don't know if I'm trying to like force this in there, but I'm sharing this because the relationship piece of how I engage with women or have engaged with women partners relationships is still rooted in what it was that made me grow it, right. Like when you get too close to something that maybe, maybe it would have been a fit, right? Like, I don't know, I'm 12, 13 years old, but to still have that same behavior as a 12, 13 year old boy playing out at 37 years old now the, the distance becoming a safety is now like a barrier that I have to actively disrupt because I don't, I don't want that to be against. I don't want to, to put myself in a position where I have to sustain emotional connection, physical connection and all that with long term, long distance relationships. And I see that like there's a way to do that, but you can't like bring somebody some clothes. And in my case, the phone calls every day, falling asleep on the phone, being 12, 13 years old, the I don't think we just text, we just talk to each other like all the time. And then like when it came down to, you know, physical in person and like now it's real, it was like, nope, I like the fantasy better. And that's, that's a thing that I feel like has more weight to it than just being scared to tell somebody you got herpes or you know, what, what comes with that?
- [45:35]
B
And.
- [45:37]
A
As I, as an adult now, excuse me, and seeing myself like ready to end these relationships and looking at it, the fact that like, okay, like polyamory never really was a fit for me, there was something else that was there that did fit. I think that parts of polyamory that works were like being able to have that safety of a distance and then maybe when things get too close or too intimate, and it now requires more of a sacrifice in order to sustain closeness. Perhaps that's what it is that made me feel like, hey, like I, I'm not doing this. Like, it's not that I can't, it's just that it was sustainable for me when I didn't have anything else going on. Because at 12, 13 years old, that's also not stocking in football. And what I gave to football is synonymous to what I pour and give into something positive for positive people. And even at that time when I was pouring into football, like I couldn't keep, I couldn't keep people off me. I had legs on me, but they wanted from me when I get to football and it was when I gave them what I gave to football that that started to suck. Like that started to be sacrificed. And I see a very direct parallel now, 3, 3, 312 year cycles since then that the thing that makes me attractive to potential partners is the passion, the sense of duty, commitment I have to this. And what comes of this or what, what's worn out of something positive for possible people flashing this, the light that it emits and the, the gravity that it holds, like that becomes attractive. And I'm Learning that in order for me to continue to sustain this kind of thing, like, I gotta. I gotta say no. Like, I gotta be like, I can't give you this. I can't give you what I give to this. And the amount of like, I talked again. Nature. Nurture your nature, right? This nurtures my nature. And I was presented last night with somebody that I was saying a conversation about, like, she asked. She's like, oh, so you treat everybody as good? She's like, I thought I was special. You just treat everybody like this. It's like, yeah, like, my w could not. Why not be kind to everybody, right? Like, I don't think I mislead people. I think that I do a good job of communicating verbally.
- [48:25]
B
Hey, here's what's wrong.
- [48:26]
A
Here's what's happening. Here's my scan. What about you? Check in. In fact, like, that's got me in trouble. Like, I say sex positivity. It's me up. Because a lot of that is kind of like doing karate versus somebody who. Street fights or somebody who has a gun, let's say that, right? Doing karate won't work with people who do. If you run into somebody, you're trying to do a karate fight with somebody got a gun on them or a knife weapon of any sort, all that karate go out the window. And it's been the same way for me, like, navigating, going out to a club, for instance, right? Like, I've been going out by myself. I've been trying to get comfortable dancing. And like, I went to a place that played like, hip hop or be af and I. I watching interactions. And the. That flies in the vanilla world in these spaces don't fly in sex positivity, right? Like, I'm watching dudes like, grab, grab, like, hey, come here, let me talk to you. And they were se as to it. And I'm sitting there like, he about to get canceled. Oh, I could never do this. It's like, what are you talking about? Like, this. This is how I. I grew up with this. So now, like, I have a balanced awareness of when that's okay, when that's not okay. And understanding, like, it's. The environment has so much to do with, you know, has so much more influence. And so me shifting into an environment where my nature is nurtured, like, my real nature. I told, like, performative is not the right word, but people will talk about, talk about, like, performative men who can do the emotional intelligence. And like, I think that I'm a genuine person. I Think that I present from a place of where I'm at, and when I'm talking about things, like, talking about them genuinely, like, I'm using the language because I love being respectful. So it doesn't feel like I'm coming from a place of being performative. It feels like a place where it's like, how do you calibrate being adjacent to, you know, queer culture and then, like, having to go back into, like, the hip hop culture, which is, like, very counterintuitive to be someone who's in between them. Especially as a straight black man who grew up one day. And then as an adult, you know, I'm learning how many things were wrong with this thing and how to, like, figure out how to integrate these two. So, so it's been a practice, man. It's been a practice of, like, navigating, being wrong. Like, I, I, it's so up, y'. All. Let me tell, let me tell you this quick story, and I gotta get back to chat, but I've been out a couple times where I had no idea somebody was in the world of sex positivity. I think that it's been so much easier because there's so much sexual openness where you will know if a person likes you. They might just direct the text, tell you, like, hey, I'm trying to. They might tell you, hey, like, what are you getting into? Like, I'm interested. Whereas, like, I'm, I'm out doing my little. I ain't got. I ain't got no crazy dance moves, right? Like, I'm just chilling and, like, you pick up on things. Like, a part of me was like, hey, hey, pay attention to this. And another part of me was like, I ain't no way that this girl that's been standing here for the last 30 minutes and inching closer to me is interested in me. This girl had, like, brushed up against me, like, three times, and I moved a little bit like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude. And then smacks me in the face with her hair. And then I said something. I was like, damn, is she smelling all good like that? She's like, I don't know. It could be anybody. It's a lot of people married. I was like, oh, I told somebody that that happened. She was like, and then what? I was like, she rejected me. Like, what you mean? She's like, that is not what happened. Like, And I was like, oh, I'm not in that space anymore. I'm in a different environment and things like, this have. Have happened enough for me to be like, all right, some changes have to be made, like, because I'm in this environment and, you know, this will be a whole nother conversation probably about how, like, sex positivity has me up. But I don't mean that exclusively in a way that, you know, know now I don't know how to flirt in the real world. That's not what I'm saying. But there have been conversations that I've had with people that they're kind of like the. Are you talking about. Like, you don't talk like that whole. Another thing. But tying this back to the original point of just coming to the realization that I'm not polyamorous. Like, a lot of what I do through something positive. Like, I work with a lot of people, mostly women. And I remember things like that. The way that I run this, the way that I'm on top of, the way I'm committed, the way I'm passionate, the way people feel, the way people talk about it. That's been a threat in past relationships. And I've allowed myself to be like, well, you're more important than this thing. But not really giving people the opportunity to prove their importance or, like, prove that, you know, you are more important than this. This. This don't mean anything compared to you. And I'm not giving myself the grace of. Or being real with myself. Right. Like, being real myself about the fact that this is my only my purpose. Right. People give me props and all the time for what I do, but I don't think people really understand, like, the sacrifices that, you know, have to come with this. And one of those sacrifices is coming from a place of me needing to know how to tell, no, hey, you're not going to take me away from this. And I feel like even with that, like, I'm inviting the. The challenge. Somebody be like, bet, hold my beer. I'm about to get. I'm about to get his attention because I watched Demon Slayer, the anime, and there was during the swordsmith village part where the dude came out the jar and he was, like, whipping this swordsmith who was, like, concentrated making his sword. He didn't want to kill him. He just wanted him to pay attention to. He was like, no, I'm gonna break your concentration. But he never broke his concentration. Never broke his concentration. And that's kind of metaphorically what I was doing prior to entering any relationship really is like being on my. And then the minute, you know, you break concentration, concentration, like, that's where falls Apart, it's like, ah, gotcha. All right. That's all I want. I just want to break your concentration. Peace out. See you. And that's like, that's, that's the experience. And as long as I've been taking care of this, as long as I've been on top of, you know, doing what it is that I know I'm supposed to be doing, I had that. And it's, it's been consistent enough at least since September, August, September, for the last six months, where I can look at it and go, you know what? This is exactly right. And I think that there's been pressure for me to again, like, give what I give to this to other people. And that has helped with the calibration process of what my relationship capacity is. Because, I mean, low key Ramadan starts tomorrow. I ain't Muslim, but I met somebody who is Muslim and we were having conversationally, what does that consist of? Like, what does Ramadan consist of? And she's talking about, like, some of the things that you, you give up and some of the ways that you gotta be. And I, I wanted to see if I can do it. So yesterday I've decided I was like, all right, I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna do any. What was it? It's no drinking or eating. Went from sun up to sundown, no pork, no alcohol, and then no sex. Now the, the no sex thing, I think I'm gonna see if I can do. We'll see if I can do that. But everything else I think I can do, so I'm trying that out. I'm on day two of this and, you know, it feels like people say, oh, well, what do you want in return? Like, you should ask for something. I don't need anything. And I think that I like the sustainability of not needing anything. And that's another thing that's gotten me in trouble with people because it's like, okay, now I'm self sustainable, I don't need you, but I have a greater capacity, greater quality of capacity to be able to give. And it's just not in the way that people want to receive me. So you telling me this whole time this microphone ain't been on? What in the world? Wow. Oh, my God. So this just ain't been on at all.
- [57:16]
B
Oh, my God.
- [57:19]
A
We gonna see what happens from here.
- [57:21]
B
I. I should sound way different and way better now. So I just been talking at the laptop. I hope it's picked up everything. I gotta bring this to a close now.
- [57:34]
A
What in the hell? That's embarrassing. All right, so I will not take breaks from podcasting again.
- [57:42]
B
We just gonna do this until, until I stop. Wow.
- [57:50]
A
That just, that just ruined my.
- [57:52]
B
Whole train of thought. So closing this out, I guess like at this point, now that I'm grounded, now that I'm self sustainable, I have a greater quality of a give in which I can offer to the world. Like it's not just individual partners, but like I recognize that the, the con, the frequency, the quantity is a thing that I, I don't have, I don't have like the quantity, quantity, but the quality is tremendous. And I think that sustaining this rhythm is going to be what draws in like aligned. Not just opportunities, people, friendships, connections, but also relationships or whatever, relationship, whatever it ends up turning into. Like, I'm not, I'm not attached to any particular outcome. Like I'm thinking now, what's important to me is output over outcome. And me prior to six months ago was very much like outcome driven. Like, I, this is what I want, this is what I have bet, like now let's, let's maximize this. But I've developed a lot of patience. I've cultivated a lot more consistency and more will, I want to say. And I'm a much better, I'm in a much better place. I'm much more suited to be able to run something positive for positive people. I'm much more suited to be able to facilitate these support groups, support calls. And I have like the bandwidth and the capacity because I've, I, I had to plug some energy leaks, right? Like the intentionality. One more thing that came up from my breakup, like, looking at what it means to be intentional and being able to give energy to where it's reciprocated, like plugging energy into where it's reciprocated. I look at how stars function and I've been like, again studying that in quantum physics. And I've been doing a lot of like, I was in a period of taking after my relationship ended, after being in a place of like just giving, like forceful giving in a sense versus sitting like the sun does in our solar system, where all it does is turn hydrogen and helium, all of the planets orient themselves to the sun's consistency and rhythm. And the minute that the sun tries to like help somebody see better by shining more bright or getting closer to create more warmth, you up the whole solar system, like the planets get out of whack. The ecosystems that and everything that's orbited to your rhythm get completely up. So I look at the solar system the same way I do the nervous of his system. And it's a matter of me continuing to do this, and I can't. I can't compromise this. I can't make sacrifices from this. And I. I'm clear on that now. So it's my little accountability episode to not let that kind of happen again. And yeah, I welcome the. I welcome everybody who's gonna be like, oh, hold my beer. Watch this. Let me.
- [60:58]
A
Let me try this out.
- [60:59]
B
Whatever his name was from Demon Slayer, who did, like, the whipping of the dude that was the swordsmith that was making the sword. I welcome that because now, I mean, I know what I'm capable of and.
- [61:10]
A
I've seen what happens when I don't do this.
- [61:13]
B
So this shall continue to be done, and I look forward to whatever content comes out of this moving forward. But, yeah, the way Instagram, maybe they're with me lately, and the way that.
- [61:27]
A
I. I've had to, like, play around.
- [61:30]
B
With that, it's not worth the time anymore. So people ain't getting the announcements. Like, now it's just a matter of getting people to the website. And this is one of the ways that we're gonna do it. So bandwidth opened up, bandwidth closing back up, and I'm able to play around with the space that I have between, like, my maximum efficiency versus my maximum capacity. All right, till next time, stay present. That concludes this episode of Something Positive for Positive People. Please, like, rate, review, share, subscribe to Email me. Like, if.
- [62:07]
A
Excuse me.
- [62:07]
B
Over the last however long it's been, like, I think that I've had more people on the support calls be like, oh, yeah, like, I found this website. Like, I don't even know if the podcast is useful, but at this point, it's just like a media tool to put out there. Hey, this is what we're doing. And it feels again, a line for me to be able to come back into it now. All right, so thanks for listening. Thanks for hearing me. Thank you for letting this be a space for accountability as well as me being able to be consistent to what it is that I'm doing.
- [62:38]
A
I think that the more open and.
- [62:40]
B
Transparent I am about my own life, my own experiences, and like, nowadays, like, I'm putting people out there or anything, but I think I'm. It's. It's good for me to be able to do this and do this by myself and do this in a way that, you know, I bring people in who align on a project basis or whatever, but I. I can't let myself do what what's happened in the past. And I feel like a much more firm sense of conviction and like, I can do this.
- [63:15]
A
Like, there's infinite capacity of energy here.
- [63:18]
B
And I look forward to being able to continue to serve, continuing to have the support calls and support groups and the events which we got on March 21st in New York City, if you're in New York City, the event itself will be in Brooklyn. It's a full day of support. So I'm pumping this out in the newsletter now. And yeah, I, I, I feel like.
- [63:37]
A
I, I keep wanting to say more.
- [63:38]
B
Stuff, especially because my mic was tripping. I hope that this sounds all right, but I'mma play it for myself and see what it sounds like, because I got the space heater on right next to the computer, and I know it's probably been a constant hum in the background, so FUD.