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Something Positive for Positive People
SPFPP 406: Right Use of Energy - Brahmacharya in Action
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Foreign. Welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brand. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 non profit organization supporting people navigating herpes stigma. This is about to be a very long podcast episode. I'm thinking more than an hour for sure. I have notes. I know that you may notice that there have been a lot fewer podcast episodes than weekly. So I want to revisit and set the new expectations for there to be one podcast episode per month for now at least, like in the event that that changes. Cool. But for where things are right now, I think that that's the expectation that I can consistently set. Which is funny because when I started the podcast in 2017, my plan was to make it one episode a month. And unexpectedly I was having three, four, five recordings over the course of a week. But that's not where we are anymore. Social media landscape has changed and I guess maybe because of the services now that Something Positive for Positive People offers. The thing that people have gotten from being a podcast guest, I think they're just getting from the 30 minute support calls or getting from the support groups and sharing their stories that way. So I have a lot less guests now. And I mentioned in previous episodes that I feel like I'm getting repetitive or just talking about me exclusively. So rather than talking about me and my experiences, you know, four times, five times a month, why don't I just condense it into one? And speaking of the word condense, that's kind of what the topic of today's podcast episode is. So the theme is Brahmacharya, which is if the ten commandments of yoga are the yamas and the yamas. And I think that the llamas are how you engage with the world, and then the niyamas are how you engage with in like internally. I try to remember that by the yamas being internal and then the niyamas being internal. So hopefully I got that right. So with brahmacharya, this word generally means. Oh yeah, it is one of the yamas. Yama, niyama, external, internal. Okay, yeah. How you engage with the rest of the world. I gotta make my notes big. There we go. It typically translates as, let me lift this up a little bit. There we go. It translates as celibacy. But really what it is is the right use of energy. So it. The way that I envision it is we're constantly storing and releasing energy. We can either release it consciously or store consciously or what's happening is that it's just happening. There's a cycling of energy within us, right? And we bring it in and we leave. So, like, the environments that we're in that change our mood, that's drawing in energy whenever we feel drained, right? If we're in an environment, that environment can make us feel like we're losing energy. And the things that we do can feel like we're leaking energy unconsciously and we're just like, I don't know why I'm tired. Well, one thing can be like doom scrolling. As a perfect example, you get a meme that's sent to you or real from a friend, you open that reel, you end up in the next one, and then the next one, the next thing you know, it's been 30 minutes, right? So losing energy in that sense is what Brahmacharya can bring up. And it's. It's one of the essentially ten commandments of yoga, which is just like. And I. I probably shouldn't say that because, you know, looking at how people's relationships with religion might be. This is something that I truly believe helps with herpes, though. And I'm currently putting together a presentation on it. As you might know, I'm in yoga therapy training, and in that, I've been learning a lot and living a lot of this. So I'm going to do my best to just, like, share my own experience and apply it to y' all to the best of my ability. All right? So as I'm leaning into this, I'm watching it work in real time for me. And if you've followed me on social media, you probably see that there's been significantly less pose because I recognized how much my energy was leaking there. Just for perspective, I started hosting again. I've taken social media off of my phone, so now it's just on my laptop. So if ever you catch me on there and I'm responding to messages or posting anything, that's what I'm doing. I get in, I get out. My friends, they've been sending me reels and memes. I've not even opened them. And that's just what I got to do to conserve the leaks of my energy. And I want to share in this episode, like, in turn, what's happened in regards to that and, yeah, give some updates. But first, I want to go into the details of, you know, what's going on as something positive for positive people right now, too, because I mentioned one podcast a month, right? And that that's not all that's happening. So I'm applying Brahmacharya not just to my personal life, but also to my work life. All right, so before we get into all of that, I want to give some housekeeping announcements. So we probably going to be here for about 10min. If you're listening on Spotify, you should be able to skip through looking at the transcript. But if you're somebody that's on the newsletter, then you know all this. All right. But as I want to let y' all know, the first thing that I'm doing personally for me is I'm protecting, protecting my energy, I'm protecting what I'm doing structurally with my finances, I'm protecting my attention and most importantly my time. And what this looks like is bringing a much more strict focus to something positive for positive people. I mentioned earlier, right, I was forced in these podcast episodes for the sake of consistency. And it used to be more important to me that a thing be done than it be done right or that it be done well. I'm not a perfectionist by any means. I'm a consistencyist. That ain't no word. I value consistency more so then I value perfection. And I oh man, I'm condensing things to just these three things that I do. All things, something positive for positive people. Completing my yoga therapy training and then whenever I get a chance to work my part time job as a male urological teaching associate teaching medical students to give genital exams, I do those three things. I almost got away from that and gave myself something that would have taken me away from just doing those three, those three things. But in the yoga sutures of Patanjali, which is like a bible of yoga, it teaches the eight limbs of yoga which I will be teaching on June 18th virtually at noon eastern time. It'll be a 90 minute workshop. I'm just going to go through applying that to navigating herpes state. But all in all, what the yoga, the eight limbs of yoga are are essentially the pathway to removing internal frictions so that you can be, people say your best self, no, your most aligned self so that you are able to align your output with your outcomes as close as possible. And it's much more conscious of a thing to do. I'm recognizing the kind of outcomes that I desire and so I have to align myself and shift what my outputs are and be mindful of the inputs as well so that I'm not causing myself to misalign and get things that are not for me. Right. One of those things that came in is like a shiny object. The yoga sutures. I want to say it's 356 or 330. It's a lot of them. But this, this hit me in my chest hard when I was listening to it. And it talked about how when you're in an aligned pat, whether that be you're aligned with the universe or you're surrendered to God, however language you would like to use, what happens is along the way, you're on that walk with God, and it's almost like you're with the king and the king's walking you through the castle to get to the grand hall where a festival is happening. But along the way, you are met with shiny objects. There's a gesture over here, there's some entertainment over there, there's something else grabbing your attention along the walk. And what's important is that you stay on the path and not let any of those shiny things deviate you from it. Because at the end of the path, you'll have encountered all of those things and then you get to enjoy them from the seat with the king, the divine, and from that place of wherever you end up later along that journey that you're on. So when I heard that in the way that it was said, because, you know, I butcher analogy sometimes I heard that and it immediately made me think, because I applied for this yoga teacher job, substitute yoga teacher job at a prestigious gym. And this gym got a hot tub, sauna, Like, I was hyped. I was hype. And they pay well, a lot better than I thought a gym would pay for substitute yoga teacher. And so when I heard that, I got a feeling in my chest. And I'm learning to listen to that. I'm learning to listen to my own nervous system. I'm learning to listen to my body when it tells me, hey, this ain't right, or hey, this is right, because a lot of times I've just made decisions that I think I've ignored that feeling because I just hadn't been connected to it. And through Ayurveda, through the eight limbs of yoga and making a consistent regular practice for myself, you don't notice it day one, but after doing this for, oh, it's almost been like two months now, consistently, because I started when Ramadan started, because I was disappointed I couldn't do. I wanted to participate in the fasting with a friend and I couldn't because of health things, which I'll talk about later. But yeah, the focus for me is not bringing in new things. I don't want to expand horizontally. I want to extend my depth vertically. And so I'm extending my depth vertically by leaning most heavily into something positive for positive people. Today's May 1st. I'm in a program about like a coaching program for people who want to like make behavioral changes, identity changes, and there's just like a little accountability group behind it. And I'm excited, I'm excited to be able to participate in that and have a sense of community with other people that are also on that same track because it's going to help me with this now. So I mentioned already the podcast and content pivot. Yeah. Expect one podcast a month. So I'm gonna make it where we do this on the 1st of each month, as close to it as possible. Yeah, the I, I was forcing it and that was leaking energy. I recognized that I was kind of dreading like leading up to the recordings, whereas with this one I was excited, I was, I was hyped to finally record. It's almost like the energetic buildup was taking place. And then I was able to sort out everything that I wanted to cover from the past month and what I need to announce for what's going to be happening over the course of this next month and put it into the podcast, put it into the newsletter, which if you're not on a newsletter, please be on it there. There are so many reasons for it because you will miss the opportunities to be in in person stuff. And if we do support groups that are in person or if I'm traveling and I want to connect with and get with the people that are in the area and bring people together, I can't do that if I'm unable to keep up with you if you can't get the notifications for it. So there's a couple of dates that are in this upcoming newsletter which is actually going to go out today and then you'll get the next one for June. But yeah, by that time, if anything was happening in May, you'll have miss that. And I usually don't go to the same place twice within a year. And this is a good opportunity for you to meet other people who are living with herpes in your area that maybe you can form connections in community with. But yeah, I'm deepening the quality of the content and I'm doing this at a vertical depth for vertical expansion and not like horizontally. I don't want to do more quantity of things. I want to deliver a greater quality of things. Things. I'm going to be posting more on the blog, doing more of the videos of how to go about disclosing or talking about Sexual health and relationships with partners. The in person events. I want to make the website work, the marketing, because the social media is. They've shown my post 39 people after almost 24 hours. I put the time and energy into making a new post and anything educational or informative. My stories get like 3040 views now. It's not worth it. It's not. And I'm preaching to the choir because the people who follow me are. The people who follow me. They know about it. I was on a podcast recently, the Beyond Monogamy podcast. And one of the clips that they created was it's doing really well because of the language and it's. I found out about herpes the hard way is the caption. I'm a black dude that's saying I have herpes. And it was hard. And the way that you have to position content in order for it to get visibility doesn't align with me. I don't, I'm not, I'm not going to make the post like that. I'm glad that they did it because great, now new audience, more attention in that sense. But I ain't got it in me that doesn't align for me. More in person events. I think I mentioned and I'm very much more intentional about the social media posts which is really directing people to the website and the newsletter. So if you're not on a newsletter, please be. I'm gonna link that in the, in the description so that you, you're able to just catch it, click and then be subscribed to the newsletter if you, if any of these things interest you. Yeah, as far as the in person stuff, I've done an expo. I'm gonna be more than 10 minutes. So if you did skip to 10 minutes ahead, I noticed that it's already been 10 minutes and I'm not done with the announcements. So. Yeah, keep going. You keep bear with me. For in person, there's, there's a disconnect and it's because people just aren't on the newsletter. So many people want in person support, they want the community and they're unwilling to receive one to one and a half emails on average per month. But I get it, you know, you don't want that connection, you don't want that association. You can make a burner email account if that's what you need to do that, you know, you maybe check once a month if you don't want your main email to have like herpes related information on it. But also if that's what you got to do to get my information. I don't want. I don't want you to. You're not ready. This isn't for you. If you're somebody who just listens to the podcast and you're comfortable with just the virtual podcast episodes and whatever else it is that you happen to find online, cool, this ain't for you. You shouldn't be on the newsletter yet. It might be helpful, but if you're not ready to receive the information, you just ain't ready to receive the information. So I don't want you waste your own energy and trying to be something that you're not ready to become yet, which is accepting enough of your diagnosis to be able to accept and receive community. And what's crazy is like roughly 10,000 people visit the Something Positive webs, the Something Positive for positive people website per month. That's 10,000 new people per month. Whereas I got 10,000 total followers over the last almost 10 years on Instagram. And yet 30, 40 people see the Instagram stories is crazy. But I'm not complaining by any means. I just recognize where the investment of energy and time really needs to go. And that's the website to making those people who are curious about the content and seeking it out, making them more of a focus for the community to be able to build that. Alright, so this is my encouragement for y' all to subscribe to the newsletter if you feel like you're ready or maybe you just forgot about it. We had a support call maybe and you hit the fault. The doesn't accept marketing. But understand that the value of that is A, you know, connecting with community and B being able to see what the events are that would be coming up in your area. Okay. For the support groups. Women. The women's group, Phenomenal. We consistently have anywhere between like 17 and 20 women that come to the support group the first and third Monday of each month, 7:30pm Eastern Time. If you want to join, we have to have a herpes support call first. Donation based. Herpes support call. I say donation based because people fill out the forms and they don't donate. That is what this literally is. I do not reply to emails that have no donations associated with them. I get a lot of spam, a lot of spam or people who aren't serious. And when I say spam, I don't mean robots. I mean like people who are trolling. They're like, oh, I have herpes and I passed it on to somebody and it's like their confession or something. But they'll put like, no money in the. In the box. And I'll check. I check. I see all the emails. But what I've noticed over the years is the people who don't donate don't show up to the support calls. And now, you know, I've blocked off this time. I've rearranged my. My day and my schedule because I make myself fully available to prioritize these. And it's just me, right? So with it being just me, this is one of the ways that I'm protecting my energy. This is one of my. I don't want to say boundaries, like, these rigid things, but my. It's like a membrane, a membrane around me energetically, that slows things down to a stop. And one of those things that I'm slowing down to a stop is not. I'm not meeting reciprocity. Like, I've created this. I put it out there. It's here for people to be able to access. Even people who've been like, I don't have any money. Like, please, I. I just want to do a support call. And I've been like, okay, here's the time. Here's the link. Let's do it. And then they don't show up to the support call. So in order to join the support group, you absolutely have to join and have a support call. And in order to do that, you got to make a donation. Everything that we do is donation based. You know, I even tell people, I don't care how much you donate. I have somebody donate a dollar. So what? I don't care. You donate it. You've given me some type of energy investment to show me that you're more likely to show up to the support call and how much you value this. Because a dollar to somebody, the value of that dollar to them might be what the value is of $1,000, a million dollars to somebody else. So, like, I don't shit on people for what they give. I shit on people for not giving. That's. That's my thing. All right. Because, yeah, you have to be intentional about those steps, and you got to show how serious you are. So the ladies have been very serious. And what I find is the word support group doesn't really fit what it is that we have there. It's more of a community. I'm learning that the women are willing to navigate stigma and all of the emotions. So we go very. There's a lot of depth to the support group. We're covering the. The roots of stigma. We're talking about Intimacy. We're talking about boundaries. We're discussing vulnerability. We're talking about relationships, we're talking about identity and how we see ourselves and self image. Like, all of these things are conversations in the women's support group. And I think that we keep coming back there because that support is. The quality of it is greater in community. So there's rapport built. There's, you know, check ins. Oh, yeah, hey, girl, how's that situation? Right? And it's nice. It's nice to have that kind of community as a form of support. What I've noticed with the men's group is they're very focused on problem solving. So between one and three men will show up for the support group consistently. And I started in October, and I wanted to go six months straight without making any changes. And there have been times where nobody would come. So I'm sitting here, I've reorganized my schedule to be ready two weeks a month, the second and fourth Monday, and sometimes nobody will come. And so now what I'm doing is I've just moved it to the fourth Monday of each month. So there's one men's group. And the things that happen in the men's group are, hey, I had this situation happen. How do I recover from it? Or I foresee this situation happening, how do I go into it? So it's very much, I got a rejection, help, help. Or it's, I have an upcoming disclosure. How do I tell this person I have herpes? And then they take the advice right away, and then that's it. Like, they don't need it anymore. And if they don't take the advice, I don't know, because they don't come back, really. But it's been nice because the guys, one of the guys, I won't say his name, but he comes and he's like, yeah, you know, I had this mindset shift and I've been applying it and things been working out. I just, I'm here to just share this with the guys. And then it'd be just me, him, and, you know, maybe one other person. But that, that reciprocity, that ongoing support is something that in the men's group just doesn't happen because I think that's the way that we approach it. And the reason I'm sharing this is because I've been asked, like, what's happening in the men's group? Why aren't the men showing up? I mean, I guess the reality is they. The ones that do show up, they implement what it is that we talk about, and then they go on about their business. And then if there's a fifth Monday, that group's coed. I generally bring in a topic and try and let us all talk, but ain't no man been coming to the co ed groups. We have one guy show up to the first time we did a co ed group, but that was it. So now men's group once a month, and that's going to be on the fourth Monday of each month. If you haven't already had a support call with me again, donation based support call. Fill that form out, we'll schedule it, and once we get your donation, that's when you'll hear from me. I even put a frequently asked questions on the herpes support call page to explain the process even further because so many people follow the process to a T and then so many people just don't. Like, they'll be like, yeah, I'm. I plan to donate $20. And then like, I'll reply to the email and be like, okay, once we get your donation, we'll schedule a call. And then they'll be like, how do I donate? It's like you're. You're redirected to the page to do that. The instructions are there. The instructions are as clear as possible, and I can't waste energy on people who don't even read the instructions. And it. It feels icky for me to say that, but I'd recognize that that ickiness is just the discomfort of having boundaries. This is something. It's gotten me in trouble. It's been more than a year now that I've been out of my last relationship, and not having boundaries was something that I understand so much better now because I'm seeing where all of these leaks are. Right? I'm recognizing and seeing myself as the kind of person that I can and should be just from maintaining a regular routine for myself and plugging the leaks that came from not having that routine. So I'm living this. And if you can make it past the announcement, y', all, because. Oh, the last. Here's the last bit. Okay, so it's been 20 minutes of announcements and updates, right? I haven't even gotten into the podcast episode yet. Bear with me. I get. Right. Okay, I'm gonna try and speed through this one, but these are the upcoming dates for meetups and when I'm gonna be traveling and where I'm gonna be so that we can maybe get some things together in person. So May 15th is virtual sex positive Portland. I'm Going to be hosting an event navigating the Herpes stigma and alternative lifestyles. So non monogamous lifestyles. If you're in Portland and you want to be a part of Sex Positive Portland, and this is Oregon, then reach out. It's just. If you Google Sex Positive Portland, you'll find it. But this is an intro class that is generally open to the the public. They have tickets for sale for it. But I did this probably about a year ago. It was about a year ago that I did this exact same workshop, but now it's more structured around navigating these conversations and non monogamous spaces and play spaces and not just how to discuss herpes with someone, but for the people who are there to understand how to receive a diagnosis from somebody. So someone discloses, hey, I have herpes. How do you handle that? So I'll be talking about that on May 15, virtually July 23 through 26, I intend to be in Houston, Texas. I might get out there a little bit sooner. I'm available to host a meetup if there is interest. I know there are two people there. No, three. There's three people there that I do maintain some type of a connection with. And if we're all able to make it work, we can do like a happy hour. We can do dinner, lunch, something over the course of that time. But there's also a Zook conference. For those who don't know. I've been practicing Brazilian Zook since August last year, and I'm feeling a lot, a little more confident. I got a little shoulder mobility. I'm moving my body in ways that I hadn't moved it in the past. So I'm gonna go out there for that. And then July 26th, until I don't know how long, but I'm gonna go to St. Louis, Missouri. So I'll be in Houston, Texas until Sunday, July 26th. And then on July 26th, I go to St. Louis and I'll be there for a couple of days if we can make something work. There is a huge herpes support group that is there and I, I can make that introduction if that's something that you're interested in, if you are in St. Louis, Missouri. But I'll be there from the 26th, just maybe for a few days. I don't like to stay in St. Louis too long. And Aug. 29 is the new York City Herpes Stigma Expo. So this will be in the Lower east side, Manhattan, in Chinatown, the same thing that we did in March, which was just like a full Day of herpes support. We're going to do the same, but different. I want to do some demonstrations of people to see not just how to talk about herpes with partners, but how to talk about sex, how to talk about the relationship and make it a bigger thing than being about herpes. Like, how do you get to know someone in that context that you know you want to move forward with? Right. So I want to be able to do some role plays and demonstrations using Dr. Evelyn Dacker stars Talk, which covers what we need for safety in relationships, our turn ons avoids because we don't really get to talk about pleasure. Like, we're so one sided, focused on the herpes disclosure that we forget about those things and then talking about the intention for the relationship. And then we get to the sexual health portion. So we're going to do some simulations and role plays and kind of a workshop on navigating that. And I'm going to incorporate yoga. And we're going to have one of my board members, Jordan, come in and do like a pleasure practice for us. It'll be a real fun and good time, but we get to socialize, connect, and experience community as well. And then the next day, August 30th, I'll be presenting at the STI Prevention Conference in Atlanta. And I'll be there from August 30th until, like September 2nd or 3rd. I'm looking to host a meetup. And I know that there are some people that are in Atlanta who live there that might be willing and able to come out and see us. So let's, let's see what we can do. Let's see what we can get on the books. All right? And then I live in Brooklyn, New York, so that'll be ongoing. I have spaces where I can host things like game night, support groups, but I need the interest. I. I need people to show up to the things and let me know what it is that y' all want. Okay, so that concludes the announcements, what, 26 minutes later. Damn, my bad, y'. All. I'm sorry to make you wait to this point, but we are done with the announcements. And now I'm going to transition to the actual podcast episode. So. This one's, this portion is about, like, transmuting sexual energy. So typically, a person who's newly diagnosed with herpes might decide, I'm not going to have sex, I can't have sex. They may not even decide that. They may allow herpes to decide that for them. And now not being a sexual person means that that energy is just there. And while energy can't be created nor destroyed, it's also not designed to sit still, be stagnant, and then create within the body. We gotta move that, right? So when we look at Brahmacharya, again, it's not celibacy, it's right use of energy. So even if you do want to have sex, having sex in a way that aligns for you and who you are with people who also align, because wherever there are inconsistencies and misalignments, externally, it kind of creates that internally. So we want to have our beliefs and our behaviors aligned with one another because now we're affirming our values, right? And now we're giving that energy its right use based on what we believe and based on how we're behaving. And that friction begins to dwindle away as we continue to maintain that state of being. So for me personally, I been. I've not been sexually active, as sexually active as I would like to be by any means. And what I think I've realized was around Valentine's Day, that since my last relationship, I've not dated, but I've ended up in relationships. And in these relationships that I ended up in, I was doing a polyamory thing and I recognized that I'm not polyamorous. And so there was a constant leaking of my energy. I had people, my ex told me, my. My therapist told me, they were like, yeah, you're polyamorous. And there were people around me who were like, well, Courtney, like, what are you aligned with? And these are only people that ever asked me that. And I was like, that never feels right. Like, that hasn't felt right. So between, like right around Valentine's Day and just through March, like, I had been seeing a lot of people and I was just like, hey. And these were many long distance relationships and then one locally. And I was just like, hey, I'm not polyamorous. And I didn't really know what that meant for me at the time. But that ended up ending several of those connections and relationships. But I, yeah, I put myself at what we call it. I had no roster. So between like mid March and now had like a couple of sexual experiences, but not nothing that is, like, ongoing. So I caught myself. I'm a different person when I know that it's on the table or I know, like, I got some locked in the calendar versus when I don't. And I think that the combination of my health and being having prioritized that, which I'll tell you about that in a minute. I'm excited about that. But between that and then not knowing where the next, you know, sexual experience, date, relationship, companionship, intimacy is going to come from, I'm. I'm horny. And it's crazy because I had someone who reached out to me and she was like, courtney, I don't know what to do, but, like, I'm finally feeling, like, sexual, and I don't have any word for it. And when she was telling me that, I was like, damn, I feel you. Like, I'm. I'm right there with you. I ain't tell her that. But I was like, dude, the. The world, the universe, by reality, is just putting in my face that I have to deal with. So rather than allowing that sexual energy to leak and for me to just, like, go find somebody to hook up with, or for me to just hold on to it and let that stagnate, what I decided to do was I gotta do something with it. So sexual energy is creative energy. It's life force energy. When it's our vitality, right? Like, we. When we look at it that way, man, it ain't no. When we look at it that way, that's what it is. So I have successfully. Y' all go laugh when you hear this. I have successfully written the first draft of the Something Positive for Positive People book. I've been writing for the book or writing the book, but nothing has ever felt as complete as this particular draft. So I did that. I wrote the first draft of an actual book with that concentration of my sexual energy. And now, like, I might be horny as hell, but rather than me having a sexual experience and getting that release, I wrote a book. Like, what? I'll do that. What? And so I see what can come around. I see what can come out of it. And now, like, I recognize the quality of it. So I can be out here just fucking, which I have been in the past, or I can write a book. It's like, damn, you know, what else can I create? So I bought some. So I'm a nerd. And if you watch the Seven Deadly Sins, which is an anime, it starts out cute. And then it gets real. I made. I bought the materials and tools for me to make one of the weapons from the characters. And I'm going to dress up as for the June six Brooklyn Comic Con, which I'm hyped for. And that's another place that I'm putting my energy into just, like, creating shit. And I think that that, too, is why that job that I had applied for was unattractive and unappealing so that I can put my creative energy into something that it can actually be received by nine years now. It's been almost 10 years that something positive for positive people has been something that can handle my intensity, that can handle my emotions. That has been like a reciprocal exchange for me. So I'm pouring into this more deeply. And now, like, I got this fine little hobby that I was unable to explore over the years, and now I can really immerse myself in it. So I'm excited to create this damn Escanor's ax, and I got everything else I need for the costume. I even got, like, a little alliance in tattoo. So I'm hyped. I'm hype. But I say that to say, like, I'm. I'm very protective of this now, whereas I hadn't been in the past. And I think that a lot of it had to do with environment, too. Like, I was very much active in the sex education space and on the Internet and all this advocacy and. And sex ed, and it was accessible to me. It was a lot more accessible. It was a lot. Like, it was much easier to be able to connect with people who are already, like, sexual in a sexual environment. So it was just like a perfect storm of being able to have a variety of sexual experiences, whether they aligned or not. So now the right use of said energy for me doesn't look like just, I'm horny. I need to get this nut off. It looks like, okay, what. What do I really want? Because sometimes, like, I'll be, like, horny because I'm lonely, or I want companionship, I want intimacy, or I want, like, something good to eat. Right? And all of these things can come from the same place of just feeling not connected to. So you can feel not connected to, or you just feel like there's a need to create. And that was one of those things for me, of being able to give that sexual energy some kind of an outlet. Again, energy is not supposed to sit stagnant. It's supposed to move. It's supposed to flow. If you are into any, like, tai chi or if you're into yoga or quantum physics at all, you learn a lot about us as human beings that when we are, like, stagnant, dead inside or feeling out of alignment, that's where a lot of the mental health and physical health stuff comes up, if there's no direction for the energy that we have. So, yeah, I am, like, a little hesitant and scared. Like, I'm Allowing myself now to date for the first time in a year, like, actually date and, like, go out and meet people and really shoot my shot. I've been trying to shoot my shot. I ain't been doing. I've not been doing well. It's just being out of practice, and I. I know what it is now. I've been stuck. And I think I got it in my notes to talk about more of that later. But what I don't want is to bring somebody in that's gonna up where I'm at in life right now. My health is good, my finances are great. I'm feeling successful. I'm on a trajectory that I foresee being able to, like, have a sustained. A sustained lifestyle in the direction that I'm going. And the last thing I need is for the wrong use of energy to connect with somebody that's gonna fuck that up for me, and I don't want to do that again. I can't. I can't do that to myself again. So I'm. I'm excited to be able to implement the Courtney cutoff protocol, which is if. If stuff ain't working out, like, I. I gotta. I gotta let it go. So concluding that portion about the transmission of sexual energy, looking at the application of Brahmacharya, which is. Right. Use of energy. This ain't like an urge, right? Like, when you. You get hard or you get wet, right? It's not just, oh, I need to go masturbate, I need to go and have sex. Right? This is creative, potent life force that you take them juices, you take that blood flow, and you apply it to a thing and see what happens. But this was probably in the first half of the year, my biggest accomplishment in the first half of the year. And for me, just having, like, not had as much sex as I was having pre February. Yeah, I've been able to, like, really do. And, you know, going back to the previous podcast episode, you're entitled to compensation, right? Like the. The. In. In anime, the Law of Equivalent Exchange from Full Metal Alchemist, right? Like, you. You give up a thing, or you give things away to the universe, or it takes from you, and then you have that void of potential for something else. Like, I gave that up, essentially, or it was taken from me, however we want to put it. And with that freed up energy, I wrote a book. It's like, what? So I got to do some of my own edits and then get that off to my publisher. Yes, I have a publisher. Publisher. And then we'll. We'll see what. What happens. All right. The next portion is speaking about my health journey. So I mentioned starting these lifestyle changes when Ramadan had begun. And there was a friend of mine who is. She's Muslim, I want to say. And she was practicing the fasting and the celibacy. I was like, you know what? I do it with you. And I did it for like, the day before just to test it out. And I was like, let me see if this is healthy for me. So I was diagnosed. I've had high blood pressure since I was like 20 years old, probably earlier than that. That's when I was diagnosed. And then I was always hovering at the line for being pre diabetic. And most recently I went to the doctor and they told me, you are pre diabetic. I was like, okay, I know what I need to do. Just leave me alone. And I got it. All right. I don't want to take medication. So I went to Ayurveda and I started to apply the things that I was learning in yoga therapy, training, and also using AI to help me, like, condense that for what I know to be true about Ayurveda and apply it to myself. So I was also hovering around 235 pounds. It was very hard for me to get out of the 230s consistently. Right. Like, I'd see 229 and then I'd see 235 after a weekend of traveling or just like, socializing. Right. So that's where I was. I was consistently around 235. And this was in. Yeah, this was in February, like mid February, when I. I was like, fuck, I don't want to do this anymore. And so I made that shift. I started to apply not just Brahmacharya, but, like, this was one of the things that began to amplify in my life, which was that. Right. Use of energy to address these things, because it was an energy leak. Whenever I just eat whatever I want or I was cooking, like, what was cheap. Like, I was eating a lot of chicken thighs, brown rice, and, like, broccoli, which. The broccoli is not bad. The brown rice isn't bad, but I was eating them in very high qualities and quantities. I'm sorry, high quantities. And one of the things that I had to do was make a shift in how I was eating. So I eat the same at home now. I eat spinach, quinoa, and salmon for either lunch or dinner. And then for breakfast, I'm eating two large eggs mixed with some egg whites, spinach and sourdough bread. Now the big thing for me is the spices like I'm using. I'm cooking with turmeric, ginger powder, cumin powder, black pepper, onion, and garlic powder powder. So these are spices that like heat up your digestive fire, that allow. And the combination of the food allows for more of the nutrients to be absorbed into the body. So that now I'm not like just out what I eat. Now. This is how I eat at home. So 80 of the time, this is what I'm eating and how I'm eating. And the other 20, I'm eating whatever the I want because can nobody tell me? Right? That's been working for me. And since getting into that and recognizing like the importance of like at home, I don't drink cold water or cold fluids. Really. If I'm out and about and I have to, I'll do it. But what that does is what the cold fluids and cold foods have done for me, especially from my Ayurveda composition. I'm very kapha and I hold on to things. So I shouldn't be eating things that are like heavy and easy to hold on to. Like heavy pasta, white sauce. And I was making my black bean smoothies, but it was, there was Greek yogurt, it was cold, the fruit was cold, everything was cold. So on one hand I'm getting all this protein and all this fiber and these nutrients, but it's like, it's cold, so it's just kind of sitting there. And so I'm just like holding on to that on top of whatever I put in there as well. So I've been doing pea protein shakes instead. Like, if I'm, if it's like in between when I should be eating or whatever, I have that because I don't want to become like a little ass. Like I want to be somebody that still got my muscle tone. And I like how I'm looking. I'm loving it. You know, when I talk to people or they see me like, oh my God, like, you look so like you're losing weight. I'm like, yeah, I am. I'm putting the work in. So I am consistently hovering around 215 pounds. So on a full stomach. Yesterday I was 215, and this morning I woke up, I was like 216. Probably just drinking water or whatever, but I don't necessarily have a goal weight. I'm like, what does this look like? What does that look like? So we'll, if I get the £200 and we, we gonna probably cut it There. I don't want to be coming. I'm too little. But I think that somewhere between this right now seems sustainable. But I just got here. I just got the 215. So we'll see what kind of progressions. Continue. I'm still working out and lifting heavy at the gym. I'm practicing my yoga. I've incorporated doing some running, so it's popping. We're getting it popping. But I've also been dancing too, so I think that that has a lot to do with it as well. So, yeah, I find myself probably, like, significantly more horny too, because of the way that I'm eating. Apparently, cholesterol. I guess the right cholesterol, fat combinations of food will raise your testosterone. Because I've been, y'. All, it's been. It's been bad. And I don't want to do no dumb. I don't want to around with the wrong person. So I am. I. I have very. What's the word I'm looking for? I got real ethical guidelines in place for me to not this up. So I'm either gonna be creating or the next. I'm eventually probably. I don't know, like, we'll see. I don't want to say, like, be in a relationship just because I'm like, extra horny or anything like that, but yeah, I. I like what I'm doing with this, but also, like, I recognize that I need the I. I. I got needs. I got needs. All right, So I am a lot more focused. I am a lot more peaceful. Except for when, you know, I had those moments where things get a little bit out of hand for me. I'm like, oh, so that's why we go to the gym every day. Oh, speaking of, I've been taking rest days. I used to not do that, but now I'm. I'm moderating myself and taking one or two rest days a week. Two rest days a week. Excuse me. How much more we got here? Okay, not much more. All right. So that was the health stuff. And now I mentioned earlier not wanting to expand horizontally but to more. So go deeper into things, right into something positive. My yoga therapy training and then my genital exams job. So these are very important to me. So one, I mentioned dancing. So I feel like a real dancer now because I bought some fuegos clothes. I bought some actual dance shoes. So I'm. I'm committed to this. Dancing has been so good for me. I've never moved my body in these ways. And I recognize, like, stuff that is coming up for me and dancing, because in. I fully understand somatic movement in the sense that like in yoga, typically you'll do yoga and just start crying. You won't know why. But a lot of trauma can be stored in the body that's stuck in stagnant energy, that hasn't had an opportunity, opportunity to move or had any awareness brought to it or to be expressed or communicated. That's the emotional release that dancing has been giving me. And one of the big releases that I had for myself was I used to care about how silly I look. And a lot of the music that I listen to, you don't dance to that. Like, you hold up gun gestures and you, like, mix up drugs. Like, that's the shit that I was listening to. And I'm hearing things that are just like, melodic. Like there's a melody and there's the lyricism to it. And it's just music that you. You dance to, you just move to. Like you ain't motivated to go sell drugs and. And buy guns and hustle and all that. Like, that's what I used to listen to or like, love making music for R B. And now I'm hearing that's not any of that. And for the first time, like, I'm receiving it, I'm hearing it. And now, like, I want to move my body and it just feels weird. Like I'm facing my own internal judgment of moving my shoulders like this or doing a body roll. You see that? Oh, I got it right. That's not how I've moved my body. My body has been a weapon on a team, right? Like, I've used it for football. I've used it to put through pain of developing muscle and exercising at the gym. I run and that and being sexual, right? So those emotions I have, like, I don't have to think about. And now with dancing, it's been seven months now. And you know, I. I know I look a little stiff. I know I look silly, but I'm getting better. I love anime references. Solo leveling. Sung Jin Woo, the main character of the story, he is the worst hunter. He is the worst character. He knows this. People know this. They call him this. And there comes a time where he. He just keeps showing up. He almost dies, but he keeps showing up. And he was given the opportunity to, you know, save people, to be the best hunter. And he was the best from a values perspective. And he was given a second chance. He was given the ability to level himself up. And all he had to do was honor his discipline and as he honored that discipline, he leveled up, he got taller, he became more handsome, he got faster, he got stronger, right? And he was able to tap into these abilities. So that is, like, where I'm feeling like I'm at now, because I'm showing up. I might be the worst dancer in the room. Clearly worst dancer in the room, y', all. When I tell y', all, like, I know. I know I am, but that ain't. That ain't the case. That ain't always gonna be the case. And I know that, and I'm sticking to that. And I know I'm sticking to it because I bought these 150 ass pair of shoes. So I'm there. And what was triggered by that? I remember that was a comment that my ex made. And I'm. It's been more than a year, so I feel like I can talk about it now. I remember, like, being made fun of. We were in the car one day, and I was like. I was dancing. I was like. I felt safe and comfortable because it's the person that I'm with. Like, I don't fucking dance. And she made fun of me for dancing to the words. She was like, you dance to the words. And I always thought that was bad, like, from that moment. So I was like, oh, I guess I'm not supposed to do that. Come to find out in dance class, you know, I'm doing the mechanics of it. I know the steps. I know the basic. I know the simple turn. I know the Virginia. I know lateral, all that shit. And I'm hit with, yeah, just dance to the musicality. Yeah, you can dance to the lyrics. Like, have fun with it. Play, Be silly. And I'm watching people do it. That shit looks smooth. And I was like, wait, you can do that? You can do that? I was like, what? Like, my mom was blown. But I also had that memory unlocked that was just there that I otherwise wouldn't have had access to if I wasn't dancing, if I wasn't moving my body, if I wasn't, you know, in that place. Because so much of things that we want to do, there's a mental block or an emotional block that's connected to something that happened that maybe it was just easier to forget about. And I recognize too, like, after all this time and all this moving around and living and shedding shit, that another thing that I need to let go of is my own accountability and responsibility for, you know, my relationship that I thought was going to be it ending. Because one of the stories that I Told myself is, it's my fault. I'm the reason. It's all on me. It's what I did. She was no angel. And the more, like, time that passes and the more that I've been, like, dancing and moving my body differently, I feel myself letting go of how harsh I was to myself, how hard I was on myself for the relationship not working out. And in that I'm letting shit go. I didn't realize, like, it was so hard for me to even date or meet people because of this block that I had. Like, I had so much shame and guilt around me being as sexual as I want to be and how as I have been in the past for the way that I think, the way that I am, the way that I behave, Ain't nothing wrong with me. And in dancing, I've learned that there is nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with the way I move. Do it on beat so that, you know, I can be followed, which is a whole nother thing. Because, like, I think that I've learned to not trust myself. I've learned to distrust myself. So one of the challenges that I face, not just in dance, but in dating in general and with everything outside of something positive for positive people is being decisive. I am so decisive when it comes to this shit, but I'm not decisive on the dance floor. So my follower doesn't know where I'm going because I don't know where I want to go, so how can I know where to take them? And then in dating, I'm shooting my shot and I'm fucking up because I'm not being decisive in being like, hey, I find you attractive. Wanted to come say, hi. I'm Courtney. What's your name? Can I take you out? Right? So easy. It is so easy. And the mental blocks of. And insecurities that I think have been instilled in me from past relationship, past times of things, it's fucked me up. I've been fucked up for the past year plus year plus. I've been getting fucked up for probably two years. But for the last year, I think that I've now, for the first time, especially through dance, like, recognize these frictions that I've been creating for myself and that have been instilled in me. And so much of what I've done and not really having to be decisive or struggling with that decisiveness has been putting that onto external factors, putting that onto my relationships or partners or people. Like playing Call of Duty is a great example. I think I mentioned this before, if it's, you know, I'm the last person left and there's a buy station, I can bring back my teammates or I can trust myself to win the game. I'm gonna make the play to bring back my teammates, regardless of them coming in disadvantaged. If I got all my. That I'm set up to win the game. Like, the. The parallel there of not trusting myself and not being decisive, like, I'll be decisive. It's like, nope, I'm buying back. But now I got to be decisive in that I trust myself. I trust my past experience. I've been playing Call of Duty for years. I can beat these niggas. All right, cool. Three teams left. Let them fight it out, and it's gonna be me versus whoever, and I can win. But that. That confidence and that trust, right? Like, there's a friction. Even if I have past experiences where I've done this shit before. Like, I was thinking about it, and I was like, you know what? Like, it's. It's very difficult for me to talk to new women that don't know me from the Internet, right? And I had to remember I did that. I was just walking down the street, headphones off, and somebody was next to me who was running. I looked over, I was like, oh, you work out at the gym, don't you? You're like, oh, yeah, I'm Courtney. What's your name? This is my name. I was like, oh, well, it was good seeing you. We chatted a little bit and then just went on about our way. And it was so easy. Like, I forget that these no stakes interactions where I'm not dependent on any kind of an outcome, that. That's what this shit is supposed to start out nowadays. You're supposed to do that first. Like, just, can you have a conversation? I don't need to go into every interaction knowing what I want. And this is another thing that got me in trouble. Like, being intentional. Like, what are your intentions? What are your intentions? What are your boundaries? What are your. Like, knowing that stuff, you don't have to know that because it changes with people. I don't know what I want from somebody that I just see who I'm attracted to. I don't. I don't. I don't know that. I don't know what I want with you. I don't know if I want a relationship. I don't know if I want a friendship. I don't know if I want to create something with you. I don't. And I have put myself in this like paralysis state. And how you do one thing is oftentimes how you do everything. That overthinking shit has been huge for me. I have been overthinking because being authentic was bad in my last relationship. Me being who I was was a problem. And that created a friction because it's like, okay, I can't be who I am. So rather than me changing who I am, let me just change the things I do, which will then hide who I really am and make for there to be less friction in this environment. And that's that, that's the friction. That's where you cause that friction. Like if we're energetic systems, if we look how electrical circuits operate, if there's any heat or friction, something's going to short circuit, whether it be the fuse box or the device that is plugged into it. And that, that ain't me. What I've been learning through Brahmacharya, right, use of energy is to align, like authentically be myself. Removing that friction is as simple as being yourself. People say that and it sounds so simple and it is so simple, but we make it complicated. Being yourself, remove that friction, the in between of what you think and how you behave, that's heat, that's friction. All that time in between taking the action that's generating friction. And if you gotta make changes that don't align with what your beliefs are, that's friction. So letting these two things align, your behaviors and your beliefs align. Now this is not the same as you're trying a new thing. If you're the kind of person who, you know, tries a new thing, you believe that you can learn a thing. You see yourself, like, wanting to incorporate this part, this, this thing into your identity, your being, you can do that. And it's not a matter of casting away or getting rid of anything or adding to, but it's more so about removing the resistances to allow for that to be a thing. Because obviously you're drawn to it for a reason. So yeah, the, the, the energy that I have placed in the past externally like leaking and just trying to, you know, find relationships, dating partners like, or what, who I would end up with. Those were energetic leaks. And I don't think that there was ever really any like. No, I, I, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna finish that sentence that, because that's not true. What I'm, the point that I'm trying to make is the importance of authenticity, that alignment between your beliefs and your behaviors. Right? I didn't, it didn't feel safe for my beliefs to be what they were. So I behaved in a way that I thought I was supposed to behave. And therefore creating friction internally because of what my behaviors are externally. And pursuing things that don't align with what my beliefs were, Pursuing those kinds of relationships and doing the things and saying things. That's the point that I was trying to make. So now my beliefs and behaviors are more so aligning. Yeah. The more the dreams and the meaning dreams. Why not put the. Oh, okay. Again, going back to the movements. Dancing is sparking a lot of dreams. And I'm remembering that I've never said out loud. I still won't say out loud. And these things in the dream, I finally see what they represent. It's not about who's in them, but people are like, oh, in your dreams, you're everybody. Whoever's in it, it's you. Yeah. I don't know that I believe that, but I do. There. There's been reoccurring dreams that I've had, and there have been dreams, like, about my past relationship as well. And I think that most recently, which is, like, two days ago, I came to the understanding and realization of what dreaming about a particular person in this context means, and it's what that represented. Like, this was supposed to be it for me. This was beating the game. Like, we doing life together. Let's go on side quests together and keep, like, doing our. Our thing. And that wasn't the truth, but I recognize that that's still what I want. Like, I want that relationship where we're. We're working to beat the game together and going on side quests together is the best way that I can. Like Anna and analogically. Analogically. That sound like anal sex. That's how I can. That's the best analogy for it. There we go. And. Yeah, like, I. Yeah, I thought that was it. I thought that was it. And as I move my body and my subconscious, like, all right, Courtney, like, now that you're moving that energy, like, here's what else needs to be cleared up. Here's. I take the things from my dreams, and I bring them into reality through journaling. I'll meditate on them. I'll ask myself questions about it. Like, what did I dream? What. What could that have meant? And I'll feel like, in my body, what does and doesn't align? And again, like, I was not able to do this when energy was being leaked all over the place. Like, I feel like such a more suitable and fitting storehouse of. And for the energy that is just moving and is where it is. Because I don't think you run out of energy. Like, you can deplete yourself, exhaust yourself, but you're constantly being fueled. So if you're exhausting yourself faster than you're able to replenish yourself, which is something that was happening to me as well in my previous relationship, then that's where we burn out. But the reason that that exhaustion was happening so fast is because there was a misalignment between my beliefs and my behavior. So I created that friction. I allowed for further friction to continue to build. So my replenishment wasn't happening as fast as it does with something positive for positive people. This feels so aligned for me that it feels like I'm not pouring my own energy into anything except when I got to do these fucking taxes or when I got to do, like, administrative work when I need to make presentations. If I have to make a social media post, like, that's when I'm using Courtney energy. But recording these podcasts, infinite energy, hosting these support groups, doing the support calls, teaching the yoga, when I do these presentations, infinite energy. And one of the things that I know has gotten me in trouble in relationships is, like, this version of me is attractive. It's magnetic. There's a gravity that draws people to me in this state, this way that I am now all retrospective and. But the reality is I'm human. I up. I have bodily urges. I take shits. I don't do everything right. I don't do it perfectly. I'm a nerd. And. And this is gonna translate into the next section here. But again, I'm human, and I gotta do a better job of setting the expectations of being human. Like this. This. This version of me, like, this is who I am. But I find that, like, people want this Courtney 100% of the time. And this Courtney needs rest. This version of me, like, I can't be in this state all, all the time now, while this is like, something positive for positive people. The podcast, the support groups and calls, these are amplifications of who I really am. Outside of this. I ain't gonna say I'm boring, but, like, I'm very simple. I live a very simple. Like I said, I already told you what I eat. I eat salmon, spinach, and quinoa. And then for breakfast, it's eggs, egg whites, mix, spinach, and then sourdough toast. That's my. That's my everyday at home. But outside of that, catch me at. Catch me getting dumplings. Or Thai food or what I had last night. Mediterranean. That's a new word for me. Like I think I just discovered Mediterranean food. But anyway, that's not the point. Yeah, I think that having these dreams and dancing has helped me realize like what I actually do desire and what my dreams and reoccurring dreams and like what really happened in my last relationship, which I'm not going to talk about. I have closure with that because sometimes no closure is closure. But I didn't recognize the leaks that were happening within me. By not accepting the reality, which is a Satya, Satya's truthfulness. I was lying to myself about what really happened in the relationship. Like by taking full blame and responsibility and beating myself up about it. So Satya, that'll be something we probably have a theme for later as well. But it's important that we be honest with ourselves. And I wasn't honest with myself and that was causing an energetic leap. So Brahmacharya as the right use of energy, being something that applied to and added to with the somatics of dancing has helped me with breaking up my friction, breaking up that cooling my system, my nervous system. Like this shit ain't supposed to be hot and frictionist. Right. Herpes is already in my nervous system. But it's a tool for recalibration, for being able to cool the system. If that shit gets hot and friction builds, that's when herpes has a response. It's like, hey, sit your ass down. Like it's a emergency valve, so to speak. And the way that I look at this shit now is incredible. Incredible because I'd have never thought about herpes in this way 13 years ago. But it is a very powerful and helpful tool for keeping, for cooling the nervous system. We're going to naturally generate heat sometimes, but when we are in alignment, that's where herpes is just chilling. It's just dormant and it's got his feet up. It's just watching the system. Like, let me make sure this don't overheat. So closing out this section horizontal. Here we go. I think that, yeah, the horizontal expansion versus vertical depth. I believe that having the opportunity to explore polyamory specifically. And I'm again, I want a fluid relationship, fluid relationship dynamic where we can talk about the things that we want to do. I don't care about the, like, I don't, I don't want to have multiple relationships. I want the fluidity and the values of non monogamy more so align with me than the values of monogamy. And that's, like, what I think I've been afraid to say. I think I've been scared to say that shit. But it gave me the ability to latitude, latitudinally expand. So having multiple partners, multiple relationships, everybody knows about each other, I'm able to live my truth and be honest and everything. And that was fun. That was healthy. That was something that I was able to grow from. But it wasn't sustainable for me because what energy I had to give to being polyamorous was energy that goes into this. This is what was leaking out when I had all that free time. We're two weeks from the day where the tornado hit and took my home. And after that happened, I was lost. I didn't have any, like, groundedness. There was no place for me to store my energy. I was just, like, giving that shit away. And it took me several months. And I shout out the people that really held me down, and I let them know. I was like, hey, the quantity of what I have to give is significantly less, but the quality of what I have is fucking incredible. And unfortunately, that hasn't. That wasn't enough for some of those people. And then, you know, the greater the power source, like, the shorter the range, I want to say. So, yeah, it is hard to deliver this quality of energy and presence that I now have at long range, long distance, right? So, you know, the people who are close to me, they. They get that from me, and that's why we're still so close. That's why I can talk. Go and see one of my friends out in San Jose once a year, and it's like, we brothers. That's why I can have, like, a deep conversation with 1 or 2, 3, 4 my friends, you know, a couple of times a year. And it's like, we don't skip a beat because that short range of presence, like, we. We know the value of it. So I guess, like, relationship wise, like, there's alignments. If people just don't align with it, then it's not gonna align. It's not gonna work out. So, yeah, I. I do want to go deeper vertically. I do want that quality of intimacy with, you know, a person. But also I want to have. I want to be able to go on side quest. That's. That's. That's what my, at this point, relationship dynamic look like. God. And I was scared to say that because I feel like it's very easy for, you know, when you put something out there, somebody to hear it and be like, oh, that's what he wants. Bet let me be that. And then I was scared. I was scared. For the last year, I've been scared to put myself out there and say, hey, this is actually what I want. This is what I want. Because, yeah, it feels like that's what happened to me before. It's like, you know, somebody can just see, oh, this is who he is. This is what he wants. If I want what I want from him, then all I have to do is act like this for a little while, and then I'll get it and I'm good. So I trust myself now. And here's where we transition into the next part. I love these notes. Notes work for when it's just me. They don't work when I have a podcast guest, but I feel like I've been very much on track. And we're getting to the end, I think maybe 15 more minutes, and then we'll be closing this out. But I mentioned being able to experience and really feel a yes and a no in my body. But now it's a matter of implementing that no. I feel ready to date. I suspended that shit. But that was a conscious choice. That was a choice for me to not date because I recognized that I wasn't. I wasn't over my ex because I was still dreaming about her. And now that I recognize what the dreams are, it's like, oh, it's not her. It's what she represented. And I've not been able to or willing to vocalize what it is that I want, which is what I thought I had and what I thought was, like, it. And I've been grieving that for the past year, and not consciously grieving it, but leaking energy in the form of, damn, like, I fucked that up. I fucked that up. I fucked that up. And the reality is that I didn't fuck that up. It's that, hey, here's, you know, what this represented. So now you know, and this is the thing that you can pursue. So I do feel ready to step back into it, because now I have that deep understanding of what it is I'm looking for. And not just the understanding, because, again, the dream was fucking two days ago, but it. That gave me language to the feeling that I was having. And the feeling was like, damn, I'll never be able to have that. What that which was promised to me because it wasn't ever real. Like, that wasn't really what it was. And now what seemed or seems like it was impossible to have is because now I trust my no for what's not that it won't take me a year and a half to be like, ah, actually this ain't working. So now I know what it is. And I'm looking for, for and through polyamory. That was such a reaction to what other people said. I was being in the sex education space, right? Like, it's, you can just be. Or you can be non monogamous, polyamorous, asexual, bisexual, trisexual. As in, I'll try anything sexual. Bottom. There's a lot of things that you can be and being in those spaces too, like, there's been a lot of pressure to perform and attach yourself and assign yourself to some kind of an identification. And in that space, like, I'm, as far as I knew, like, the only straight black dude that has been in those spaces. So that alone was, like, isolating. And that space felt like a community of outcasts. But the reality is it was a lot of women, queer people that had community. And I felt like this illusion of community because these are just weird people. Like, my people are weird people and don't really fit into the mainstream society. And I think that I felt most of a sense of community and a sense of, like, at homeness. Last weekend I went to this black cosplay event. That shit was tight. That was tight. That ain't got nothing to do with any of this, though. So let me not. Let me not get off to the side. But people were telling me what I was and I was just like, all right, I guess this is it. This is what I am. And it goes back to even playing football, right? Like, I started out, you know, playing offense, catching the ball, tight end. And then when I learned that I like to tackle people, when I learned that I enjoyed that, that's when I got moved to where I belong. And had I listened to people who were just like, oh, Courtney, you can catch well, you can block well, you should be a tight end, you know, And I've been used to that. I've been used to being put into a place, but put into a place for the greater good of the team, the greater mission. And not speaking up, not bitching about it, not complaining and just being compliant. And that shit didn't work. Like, I think back to times where I fell into place and it was at the detriment of everybody involved rather than me speaking up and being like, no, no, put me in. No, this is where I'm best. I can do more here. This is what it is. And I've not used my Voice in that sense, Like, I've not said no. And it ain't been, like, out of an avoidance of conflict, because, like, I. I'm fairly physically intimidating to some people, I'm sure. And I think that I've had, like, this over awareness of that, and I've tried to dumb myself down or overly human, over humor, humble. Overly humble myself. And that ain't that. That's not something that people should do. That's not authentic. That's lying to myself and lying to the world by not being who I am and trusting that to be my no Right. So when somebody presents me with Courtney, like, I don't like this about you. I could. That's fine. I'm not about to stop being it. Like, if you don't like it, you orient yourself accordingly. And that's where I've been up. And the. The. When people told me, oh, yeah, you're polyamorous, I was like, oh, okay. I guess this is what I do. I tell people that. And, you know, if my behaviors don't align with that, I thought that maybe they did. But I think that when it became to a point where it felt like my internal emotional state was consistently hot and in friction and in conflict, that's when I recognized something needed to change. So I mentioned being scared to name what I wanted, because putting it out allows for that possibility of manipulation. People to be a chameleon and pretend to be that thing that I say that I want come into my life. I find out that they're not that. And because I'm someone who struggles to, like, let go, I'm like, okay, well, we can make this work, right? Oh, because I don't want to say no. Or because of the manipulation of people being like, I got abandonment issues, so don't leave me. If you leave me, you're a shitty person. And if I don't identify as a shitty person, I identify as a good person. And I don't even want. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to identify as a good person. I want to identify as men of integrity. So what my values are, I'm consistently mentioned the. The Cs, right, consistency, curiosity, community, connection, choice, challenge, completion. I think there's all of them. But those are the things that I value and upholding my integrity in that space, in that sense, that is my boundaries, boundary. So for somebody to be like, oh, I got abandonment issues, like, when you do this, it triggers that I. I gotta say no. I gotta go. That. No. Because what I Need is for space to be taken so that then we can resolve the issue. I will, I do very well at communicating and I, I let myself be convinced that I was bad for having the things, for having needs, having the needs that I had and like, I was good for not naming them and prioritizing the needs of the other person. But no, no mas, no mas ain't no more of that. And I hope that what I'm sharing here is something that connects with and resonates with people who are listening. And again, this is all just leaning into one aspect of yoga, of the yamas or the, I don't know, the way that we engage with the world. And so now like the way that I'm engaging with the world is much more like from a place of not necessarily being selective, but having conserved my energy enough to know and identify where something might be a leak or something's going to be more reciprocal or it aligns, right? So I, I can't, I'm not susceptible to that manipulation anymore. I cut a off quick now and you know, this is new. I ain't had to do it yet, so I gotta practice makes perfect. I haven't put people off necessarily. I had someone that I was seeing in person, you know, bless her. But she said some things to me that were also said to me in my last relationship. And I had a moment where I was like, damn, have I really not grown over the last almost year plus? Or is it that I find myself like, and I'm headed on the trajectory of the same relationship and I don't, I haven't talked to her since we ended things but you know, I don't know if she listening to this, but I, I remember, you know, just hearing those things and how I felt in my body because there were four specific things that were said that were the same thing that my ex said to me. And I think that that was really what kicked off me recognizing, oh, I'm not over that relationship and if I'm going to be in a new one one, I need to figure out what the fucking problem is. I'm either attracting and pursuing relationships with people that have that same energy archetype or I haven't changed. And the reality that I've come to terms with is that it's not about me changing, it's me needing to be more of myself and also recognizing when things aren't working out not just for myself, but for the other person too. Like, I don't like to make the decision for other people, but I felt Like, I had to make the decision for us because of the reasons that she gave me. She is very much just like, I feel like you are this, this is what you do, this is who you are. And like these were things that she didn't say she wasn't okay with, but she wasn't okay with. And I, I feel bad for making that decision for her in ending things, but I made the decision for me to end things because that's not the kind of person I want to be. That's not the kind of relationship I want to be in. And I couldn't name that because I didn't have the language until two days ago. So, you know, hey, if you listening, which I doubt, she probably don't with me at all no more. But if I were to say something to her, it would be thank you, which I think I said. And she, she wasn't with it like at the time. Ain't nobody with like abandonment essentially. But I think that maybe I just need to be clear in the beginning, like, hey, I don't abandon. That's not something I do. But I will walk away because like, it's very manipulative. That, that's like a defense mechanism from partners. Like, hey, I have abandonment issues. You can't do this to me. You can't take the space that you need to be able to come back and communicate with me the way that you need to communicate because it'll make me feel like you're leaving me. And now, like, it's not. It's no longer about us, the situation or, you know, what I need, what you need. It's all about you, what your needs are. And there's no room for me to have my feelings and emotions or for me to be able to process things, to be able to come back to you with complete statements, with complete resolutions for what it is that we are dealing with. And now it's been made about something else and now it's about me abandoning you and not the fact that you did this up thing that we need to talk about. So I'm, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm. I'm saying no and I'm walking away if I need to walk away. Like we can have a conversation, but I'm. I'm not, I'm not doing that to myself anymore. So I healthily take up space and. I can't let nobody dumb that down for me anymore. Even in other relationships, right, I've had partners tell me I'm jealous of you. And while you know this wasn't stated in my last few relationships by any means. It may not have been stated, but maybe there were aspects of things that were happening that were shown in a sense. And like, that hurts because, you know, I, these are people that if we're so intimately connected, I would believe, I would like to believe that, like, my success is your success, right? Me doing what's best for me, us, is going to benefit you and everybody around you too. So why not support that? Why not be celebrated? Why not celebrate that? Challenge me, right? Like, these are things that I recognize that I need. And I, I, I don't want to be made small, to be able to fit into somebody's pocket so they can just be like, oh, look what I got. I got a Courtney. Look, look, check this out, y'. All. Look what I acquired. No, that ain't what this is supposed to be. So. Right. Use of energy, Brahmacharya and like, move yalls bodies. If you sad about having herpes and you ain't leaving the house, you ain't talking to your friends. You don't want nobody to know. Go, go dance. You ain't got to tell nobody. You just show up and move your body. You might, you might cry, you might laugh, you might need somebody. You might have outcomes that you never imagined. I never saw myself doing partner dance. What the extent of my dancing was standing up against a wall and getting danced on prior to age 37. And here we are now, like dancing, going to Comic Con. Now I'm able to live out what I believe my truth is. And if it changes, it changes. I know what it is that I want. Like, I was even going through this period where I was like, well, damn, should I want a relationship? Is it, is that something that I even want? Like, do I want it just because people are telling me that I should want it? Because that's like the societal pressure. And it's like, yeah, I do do want that. And I know more so of how it can look. And I also understand that people are people. You can't just come with a copy paste template of, all right, this is what I need. In a relationship, you got to do these things. These are the things you got to want. This is how you, this is the life you got to have. No, you figured that out. And along the way, you decide like, all right, yeah, we're going to keep doing this, or hey, here are some things that don't work. Let's talk about it. And then you go from there. That's it. Now we're at the conclusion. So an hour and a half later, my final thoughts here, right? Like date, dance, take care of your health, go to work. And when you do these things, recognize where there might be energy leaks. How can you plug these leaks? How can you allow yourself to rest and recover and restore your own energy and find yourself in places and atmospheres where you feel like your energy isn't being used, but the energy of the divine, of God, of the universe is able to flow through you. Because I said life isn't about what happens to you, it's about what happens through you. So alignment is finding the opportunities to find what is your something positive for positive people. What is your ideal environment, community, relationship? Because when you're serving a community and you feel like there is a mission that aligns, that expresses your identity and who you are, that validates that, you get supercharged because it's almost like your energy is at more of a restful state, and it's the energy of the universe that's operating through you. And when we're not in these spaces, when we're not in alignment, that's where the energy begins to deplete itself faster. So looking at patience as an example, right, Someone may wear out your patience, but they may wear it out because they're not in alignment. They pull you out of alignment, or you pull yourself out of alignment for them to serve them. And you might be depleting yourself a lot faster than you normally would if it was somebody or something that does align for you. And then you have energy for yourself, too. Instead of chasing out there, chase internally and be able to take care of your health, cook for yourself, go grocery shopping, do things for yourself, have fun, play, make time for play, Nurture your nature. When I say guard your energy, all I'm saying is be the observer. Step into that space of watching. Like, okay, where is this going? Like, okay, I'm tired after this day. This is the thing that drained me. Okay, I need to create myself. Like, again, like a membrane. Not necessarily boundaries, but a membrane around this plug that I have to engage with so that I allow for the thing to be able to slow down and get to a point where it just stops moving. But it's not going to touch me. It can get close. I can recognize it. Like, oh, okay, here's how I need to engage with that thing. Let that be it. Trust the internal gravity that you created by affirming and validating your identity, those intangible parts of yourself, your values, your aligned beliefs and behaviors, because that creates the gravity that brings people into your life the same way the solar system does. Be you sun turns hydrogen to helium. The planets are like, oh, I like the gravity of what's happening over here. Oh, I can benefit from this light. Oh, I can benefit from this heat. And everything is orienting around that. Everything and everyone orients around your authenticity. And there might be things that you do and don't like, but the easiest way to start to recognize how to get more of what it is that you like to gravitate towards you and less of what you don't want or like is to monitor those leaks. Allow for yourself to use your energy in the right way. All right, so get on that email list spfpp.org herpes-new newsletter so that you can be up to date on the in person events. Go to the blog SPFPP.org herpes-blog and be on the lookout. Y' all support these upcoming resources, videos and everything that we got going on. Yeah, I'll be done with yoga therapy training very soon. I am still working with people. I just work with people on the donation basis of what you can afford. So if yoga therapy is of interest to you, if what you heard today resonates, reach out to me. Courtney pffpp.org I'm not social media is on my phone or it's not on my phone, it's on my laptop. So I'm not very active on there at all. So if you want to connect with me, you got to do it through the website, be on a newsletter, get the newsletter, you can reply to the emails. If you need to have a support call, hit me up and we can, we can sort it out. All right, till next time, stay present and protect your energy.