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All right. Hello and welcome to Something Positive for Positive People. I'm Courtney Brain. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 nonprofit organization supporting people who are navigating herpes stigma. In addition to that, we are teaching people how to discuss their herpes status with partners. We're also teaching people in the medical field how to deliver a diagnosis and to talk to their patients, not just about their herpes status or questions they may have, but also about how to communicate with partners about sex and sexual health in a way that is free of stigma. If you're watching this, you'll notice that my background's different. I rented a little space in the library, and I thought they had like little, little rooms, little studio rooms, but these are like classroom settings, and I don't know if I like this. So today we gonna see what it looks like and go from there. I'm trying to orient myself in a way that don't make me look crazy, but I don't know that that's going to happen. All right, so I got my notes, so I'm going to be able to stay on topic. I like this setting the expectation of just one podcast recording per month, because if I do two, yay, that's a bonus. And it just so happens that I have two. So I'm recording this one now, which I had to reserve the fake the space for in adv, and then someone reached out to me. We're going to be doing another recording today, this afternoon, and I'll release that in the middle of June along with the newsletter. If you are listening to this podcast episode, you have not signed up for the Something Positive for Positive People newsletter. Please do. It's SPFPP.org herpes-newsletter and if you even just Google herpes newsletter, it'll be the first thing that comes up. Yay. Because it took a lot of work to get there as well. So let's go through the housekeeping. Just so you know, the theme of this podcast episode is motivated and inspired by a recent support call that I had. I had a call with a gentleman who I felt sad for. He hung up on me when we got towards the end of the call. After we finally got to the undercurrent of what he was reaching out for and without revealing any information and making people feel like they can't come to me and share their stories without it being a podcast episode. Like, I'm very careful in how I navigate how I'll talk about this, but yeah, the theme is really inconsistency. Manipulation, and also getting rid of that word disclosure. I use it for the sake of the people who have a relationship to the word, being able to find what it is that they're looking for. If they look up disclosure, herpes disclosure, how to date with herpes and disclosure status, I want them to be able to find these resources. So I got to do that. Okay, first let's talk about the growth of something positive for positive people. The first quarter of the year we saw an 82% increase in website visitors. This doesn't mean 82% more people are getting herpes year over year. It just means that the people who are looking for herpes support resources compared to last year who were able to find us has gone up by 82%. This is incredible. And then the donations that we received are also up 56%, which means nothing from you personally because in New York State, while they haven't approved me to run something positive in New York, they still take the tax money. So those taxes were a very high amount. Like I paid more in taxes than I was able to pay myself. So it's a good thing I got a job because otherwise I'd be screwed. So yeah, that is very annoying. So in, in a way, but you know, I get to do this. Like I'm glad and proud that I get to continue to run this non profit organization, even if doing it by the books is, you know, killing me. But it is what it is. Yeah, the social media, it sucks and there's really nothing more to say about that. But it's difficult for people to access the information that I put out. So if I host an event like I just had to cancel something that I had planned for June 16th, 17th, 18th, this was going to be lunch and learn for mental health professionals where the focus on one day, public health was a focus the second day, and then the third day I was going to focus on people with herpes specifically to be able to create this hour and a half long virtual event for people to be able to register for. I was going to bring in these presenters to speak to the mental health and then the public health aspect, but I, I didn't sell any tickets to it. And by selling tickets, I mean made donations for it. Someone reached out the day I took it down and they were like, hey, I saw that there was an event I was going to register for and I was like, ah, I took it down and it's Pride Month, it's Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. That just, it didn't seem like a good time or a good appropriate placement for something herpes focused. Especially if the people that I want to come to the event who are in the health space are going to be prioritizing the themes for the month within their organization. So it made no sense for me to go ahead and go through with that and have be more out of pocket in terms of paying the people that I was bringing in as well. So I apologize. But if you didn't even know that that was a thing, it's because social media just doesn't show my shit. So Join the newsletter. You can just search Herpes Newsletter online and it'll take you directly to the page or anywhere on Something Positive's website. If you just scroll to the bottom, you'll see an option to donate. You'll also see an option to subscribe to the newsletter. I send one to one and a half on average newsletters on a monthly basis. So you ain't got to worry about me spamming you or shit. Even people who sign up for events, they're always like, where's the communication? Where's the communications? Like, hey, I put it out once a month. And in the event that there is an event, you'll hear from me even more just to give you updates. Speaking of events, August 29, there's something positive for positive people. Herpes. Take the conference or expo is going to be in New York City and the venue, if you were here in 2023, was that 23 or 24 when I had the Something Positive for Positive People expo? Because I was going to call it the Safe Sex Expo, but the wording on social media was getting a shadow ban and we had a good time. I think there were a total of 60 people all together that came in and out of it, but it's at that same. So if you were there, yay. Come to this one too. Right now, tickets are on sale for a recommended donation amount on the website. If you go to spfbp.org expo. I'm also going to be presenting on August 30th, somewhere between August 30th and September 2nd at the SCI Prevention Conference, which will be held in Atlanta from August 30th to September 2nd. So we're going straight from the expo to the public health space directly. I'll let y' all know, like, I'm serious about this and taking this thing real serious. And I get to present in front of the people who can directly impact change. And my presentation is on safe sex as communicative sex and teaching that std Prevention really needs to go beyond wear a condom, get tested, know your status and more so into. Well, here is how we go about communicating these things between partners so that we can make most accurate of a decision when we're deciding to move forward with someone romantically. So I'm excited to be able to present that the support groups. The women's group meets the first and third Monday of each month and then if there happen to be five Mondays in the month, that fifth one will be coed. So for the month of June, I am looking to bring in a guest or have a specific topic so that we can have a co ed group of the men and women so that we can just engage with one another in that kind of a setting around a specific topic. So if you're used to the support group format, think about that. But kind of dialed back a little bit from the relaxedness of it and more structured. So like there's going to be an integration of the two because I think that that free flow of it is important. But I'm coming into this with something for us to free flow around if that makes sen. Women's group has really evolved into much more of an ongoing community. So that's why we have a meeting on the first and the third Monday. And I'm currently working on a means of having a community space online where we can continue to engage with one another between the support group meetings. Whereas the men's group, I think it just feels more like out loud advice, one on one. Like a lot of times guys will have a thing happen, they have an upcoming disclosure or they just got rejected and they want to come in and know how do I deal with this thing, get them the information and then we might not hear from them again. But so far, I mean it's the first week of the month and we got four men registered for the men's support group. So I guess because it's getting hot outside, everybody trying to get back out in these streets. The women's group is very active. I got a lot of registrations for today as well. So I might, I might to be able to present, you know, more of an ongoing supportive space. But community feels like a more accurate word. So be on the lookout for, you know, us being able to have a community space that isn't Instagram or Facebook or TikTok, but something that can be a little bit more engaging. Hopefully. I'm gonna try it out. I get like a 14 day pilot thing that will be working out so we'll see who's really interested. Oh, the support calls. This is the last thing. And then we shift into the podcast episode. So thank you for listening. The support call boundaries. So please understand, if you do not donate, you will not get a support call. And I'm finding that people won't donate for the support call for a variety of reasons. They don't think that this is a real organization. They just want to vent and filling out performance enough for them, or they change their mind. Regardless of what the reason is. You will not hear from me unless you donate. That's the boundary. Too many times I've gone against that even after establishing it. And people don't miss. They don't make it for the call, or they show up late, or they get dismissive and blame me for, like, not having had the call. So I think that I just categorize in general people who don't want to donate as people who ain't serious. So if you ain't serious, I can't work with you. And I had the experience that motivated this podcast episode. This was a person who donated, but this is also a person who's getting their money back. So I'm a man of integrity. In the event that this ain't useful to you or if you feel invalidated, if in any way, shape or form, I'm gonna do the right thing and I'm gonna give you your money back. All right? Now don't reach out to me. Donate and be like, yeah, Courtney, oh, you know, this is good. And then, I don't know. I don't really like this. Can I have my money back? Don't do that. We will re. Establish. We'll reestablish things as necessary, but for this particular situation that I'll speak to, like, I want to share it, because I think it's a learning point, and it's important for me to be able to say out loud, hey, you know, I can trust myself for the boundaries that I have. And I feel like I need to change things solely based on one person's experience being bad. All right, okay. So, yeah, the donation proves that you are most likely to show up to the call. And since doing that, the retention rate of attendance has been significantly greater. So I'm gonna keep that. I'm gonna keep that there. And I want y' all to also understand that. Don't reach out to me to talk about the science and the data and the stats of herpes and the virus and transmission rates. I don't touch that shit. If you want to talk about that, please Reach out to your doctor, virologist. I don't even bother with it, okay? My focus is on the stigma. My focus is on how you are navigating the communication components, how you are dealing with stigma in your own lens, how you are. It's okay. How you are navigating the stigma, how you're navigating stigma internally, how engaged you are with. And I fucked up my whole train of thought. Good thing I got notes. Yeah, the data and science are already there. It's free. Like, I don't talk about that because it's irrelevant to me. It's irrelevant that they're working on a cure. A vaccine should be worked on. I deal with what's in front of me. And I think that a lot of that really takes us out of the present, it takes us out of the now, it takes us out of the moment of being able to get a grip on what can be influenced, what can be controlled. And a lot of times that's really how we experience the world through the lens of stigma. So if it ain't about the stigma, if it ain't about identity, if it's not about being able to navigate the stigma in a way that is healthy, I'm not going to be helpful to you, all right? And I think that that's what a lot of people, you know, want. They want to know, when is there going to be a cure? Like I have. When are you going to stop waiting on the cure? Like, that's what my responsibility is. And I hope that that doesn't, you know, deter anybody from reaching out about a support call. But oftentimes, like, I'll ask people, you know, what do you think you need? And more often than not, I hear a cure for this. It's like, okay, let's talk about why you feel like you need a cure for this. And then just the curiosity of that and the exploration of that. Sometimes things come up that people didn't know was there and other times, like what I'm about to talk about here. Some people just don't want to hear that shit. It is what it is. All right, now, I think I already talked about this. Like there's a lot of chaos and friction that comes with running a business, a non profit. I just can't get legit. Like they, that it's been all year I've been trying to do this and I keep getting pushback or a letter in the mail three months after I send them what they asked for, telling me that something else is different. But then they still Want their money by the deadline or else you get interest tax. So that's frustrating. But even with all of that, like, I'm at peace. I feel like I'm very locked in, in the fact that I recognize that my purpose in this space is to neutralize herpes stigma. And I just want to remove the emotional charge that we have about it. Like, if we think we need to be excited and like, oh, my God, yeah, I have herpes. You don't see me living like that. You know, you might see, you know, some of the women who are online who, you know, proud, pridefully speak about, you know, having herpes and having an active sex life, which, there's nothing wrong with that. But I think that also when we bring a charge into a space, whether it be positive or negative, we are going to naturally attract the other. So the idea is to turn that shit off completely by having a neutralized relationship to herpes stigma so that when we talk about it, we speak about it from a place of just neutrality. It doesn't matter how we feel about it. It just is what it is. Hey, my name's Courtney. Well, I don't know why I needed to say that, but, you know, so you're getting to know somebody, you get to a place of wanting to move forward romantically, and this is an instance where you would want to initiate that conversation with somebod. Hey, I'm thinking that things look like they're going in the direction of becoming more intimate. And am I picking up on that? Yeah. All right, well, sexual health is something that's important to me, and it's important to me that I take care of my partners as well as myself. So are you in a place to talk about our sexual health right now? Oh, you are Great. I was last tested Friday, actually, at this health fair. I was tested for hiv, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis. The HIV test was a rapid one. It came back negative. I'll know the results about the chlamydia, HIV and silver or chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, they said within five to 10 business days. So I don't have any symptoms or anything, So I suspect that those are going to come back negative. But if that changes, like, I'll of course let you know and get treated. But I test positive for herpes. What about you? That's it. Like, I don't know that I made anybody feel, oh, my God, excited about it or anybody feel, oh, I don't know about that about it. And sometimes A lot of people don't know how to feel. They just don't. I had someone just disclose to me, actually, over the weekend, and she was like, yeah, So I have HSV2. I was so proud of her. I was like, damn right. Like, that's how you do that. And then I. I was like, doesn't everybody have herpes? That's, like, so fun to me because people rarely, you know, tell me they have herpes and don't find some type of support resource, which tells me that this is a person who is in a healthy place with their diagnosis. And, yeah, it's nice to not have to, like, hold someone's hand through that. Right. And it's really just about putting yourself in situations and around people to where you can present yourself to enough people to maybe get that response. And I share this story personally because that's a little bit about what is going into, you know, what the story is with the gentleman who reached out to me. Gentlemen is a very kind word, but I. I will leave it at that. All right, So I think that what happens is that if we experience a rejection from someone that we're interested in, it can be very easy to say it's because of the herpes. It is not always because of the herpes. That can be an out. That can be a scapegoat. Just like, for someone who can be like, oh, you know what? Because you don't. Because you have herpes, I don't know if I want to, you know, expose myself to that. That person might be actually being a lot kinder about the fact that maybe you're an asshole, maybe you're not compatible. Maybe the fact that, you know, herpes is, in fact, like, more of a superficial thing because of the discomfort of having to have a deep conversation. If I don't want to have a deep conversation, if I'm just trying to hook up with somebody, I don't want to have to. I don't want to put myself in a position where I know I can avoid having to have a deep conversation and keep things superficial. So if I happen to move forward with someone who has herpes and I'm someone who gets it, you know, let's say I don't have it, and I get it now I have to have the same conversation that they had with me, and the way that that conversation was having me is going to be a reflection of what I expected for it to be like. So it's not fair to assume that just because you told someone that they have herpes that you have herpes, that the perception of you has changed entirely, Especially if you've gone on a few dates, if you've spent time together, if you've laughed together, you've had meals and you've gotten a little bit personal and you. You getting to know somebody. If you're getting to know someone, you tell them you have herpes, and then they start to get weird or they decide that they don't want to be with or sleep with you. Right? That very well could be the case that it's because of the herpes. But also, like, what. Where else are you aligning with one another? Is that all there is? Because no, herpes is not worth it for just a hookup unless somebody finds you that attractive or if they're going to get that much from you, and that's where their values are. If where their values align is where your resources extend to them. Is that a relationship that you want to be in? Is that somebody that you want to move forward with? Is that somebody you want to have sex with? Sex can be a very vulnerable thing. It's as close as we can be together physically, like our physical bodies are touching each other. And depending on the kind of sex you're having, having inside one another, sex can also be a very vulnerable thing emotionally. Because sometimes certain movements, you hit that spot, you experience a certain emotion, the floodgates can open. Somebody could cry. Somebody could, you know, just have a reaction in their body and have no idea what it's coming from. And to think that there are people out here who date very superficially and have no idea what it is that they want. Tell someone that they have herpes, and then they think that, you know, that the person just doesn't like them because they have herpes. That stalks me. And it also makes me deeply sad to think that there are people who exist who believe that people, women only want them for what it is that they have to offer them. And, you know, I think that the title of this might be something along the lines of presence over performance. Because I think that a lot of what men are being told, especially in the dating world, is that it's about what you got to offer to a woman in terms of resources. That makes you valuable, that makes you likable, that makes you attractive. It ain't got to do with what you got that someone can cling to. That somebody can. I remember Carl. What did Carl say to me? Carl said to me, if you. I. I gotta word this in a more mature way, but it's something that always stuck with me from when I was little. He was like, if you a whack ass dude and you get some money, you still a whack ass dude. You just got money now. And with or without money, who you are is your identity, which is a direct reflection of an expression of your beliefs aligned with your behaviors. And so if your beliefs and behaviors don't align, then that's what your identity is. It's inconsistency. And I think that what people can trust and lean on is consistency. So if your beliefs and your behaviors are not in alignment, you're an inconsistent person. So using the example of. Because I ask everybody this, who, you know, struggles with dating, what do you want? And a lot of times people say, I don't know. So then I have to ask, okay, do you want to date casually or do you want to date seriously? Are you looking for a long term monogamous relationship or not? Most people say one of the two. Right? But, but there are also times where someone might say both or they'll give me this long winded answer. And I'm hearing two things, and these are two very different things that are inconsistent. And so if you're approaching dating and relationships and going on dates and you're saying, I want a long term monogamous relationship, and then you're saying or communicating that I want to casually date and just have sex with you, you and not a long term monogamous relationship, the other person's hearing both of those things. You can't trust that I can't trust you. So when you tell me I have herpes, I'm all I have to match that up against is your consistency and inconsistencies. So I'm inherently thinking to myself, oh, this person is inconsistent. They don't know what they want. It's not worth it. When you weigh it out, I'm not going to get herpes from someone I don't know or put myself at risk for getting herpes from someone I don't know, especially if this person doesn't know themselves. So if I don't know you, I can't trust you. And if you can't trust you, how can I trust you? And now you're telling me that you have this thing that you expect me to be okay with that could have a long term impact on me physically and definitely emotionally or mentally. Now, if you're the kind of person whose alignment or whose behaviors and beliefs do align, you know, when you're getting to that point, if you and the other person Want the same things. All right, you know, I'm right now I'm on my boy shit. And I'm really just trying to get you home and get you naked. Shout out to Mr. Lucario. I took that. That line from him. And the other person is like, oh, okay, all right, I know what this is. I can trust that. So when a trusting person who just wants to have a casual sexual relationship or just wants to have a hookup says, I have herpes, the other person has that to measure up against. It's, oh, okay, we're aligned on this. He knows what he wants. I can trust that. I can trust him. He's consistent. Let's move forward. Is more likely to be a thing than, no, I'm not okay with that. If you are someone who is saying that you do want a long term, monogamous, committed relationship and you're communicating that consistently, that's what's on your dating profile. You're on the apps that are generally geared towards that. You meet up. The conversation's good. You're talking about where you align. You're speaking about, you know, long term goals. You're talking about what matters to you now, and you're seeing where things are aligning and your actions being taken to get you to and on the trajectory of what it is that you want long term. And you're able to see, oh, okay, boom, we got connection here. We have chemistry. We've got compatibility. All right, I'm gonna take my time and get to know this person. Or you can still hook up with the person, but you recognize that you can trust what that person's saying because they know what they want. They know what they want from you, you know what you want from them. So now when you go into the conversation about, you know, hey, you know, sexual health is important to me. I test negative for hiv, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea. I tested positive for herpes. What about you? Now, this person is able to have that conversation from a place of. Of, damn, it's confidence from this person that I'm compatible with and have chemistry with. Is herpes worth that or the possibility of getting herpes worth that? Maybe, or it'll be, let me find out. Let me get to know you a little bit more. Let me see. Let me see if the. The possibility of ending my search, at least for the time being, for someone who's compatible and wants the same things as me. Let me see if that's worth it. Let me see if, you know, this is somebody that I want to get to know and regardless of past experiences that we had, like I, I tell people, the ego is a monster first off. But the ego, there's no place for it in the present moment. It has no power in the present moment. The ego is always trying to get you to look at how things used to be and how things are supposed to be. Those are two places that do not exist in the right now. And the ego's goal is to constantly pull you into that when you make the decision to ground, when you make the decision to be present, when you make the decision to, you know what? Everything that I do right now is with the intention of achieving a chosen outcome. So my output is going to be geared towards generating that outcome. And thoughts tend to become reality. The energy that goes into a thought in repetition becomes a value. The values expressed continuously become beliefs. The beliefs begin to express in the form of behaviors. I've been, I've been hosting this podcast for nine years. You know how hard it is for me to stop doing this shit. I thought I was going to stop doing this podcast many times, but it's become such a. An identity expression for me and solidified itself from just, damn, you know, I'm curious about people's experiences with herpes. Why is it so negative? I want to make something positive for these positive people. Look where we are. And nine years later, it's so firmly an extension of my identity, I can't get rid of this. And it's gotten to a place now where, you know, even financially, like, I don't worry about being able to pay for the 400 hosting per year, I think for the website and then the additional stuff like it, whatever, 1100, $1200 a year, I don't have to worry about that anymore. It takes care of itself as long as I take care of it. Like I'm tending to my garden with presence, I am consistent in this. I choose to, excuse me, allow for my beliefs and my behaviors to align as a form of expression here. And how we do one thing tends to be how we do all things. So if someone tells me I want a serious relationship and I want to hook up and just be able to have sex, I want a monogamous relationship and I want to just get laid. I have to ask you more questions. Okay, well, if you had to pick one, what would it be? Okay, now are you doing the things? Are you on the dating apps for that? Because if you're telling me you want a long term monogamous relationship and you're on Tinder. Tinder is not historically known for that. It's historically known for hookups. And that's the environment of it. That's the branding of it. Regardless, some people may find loving long term connections on there. I'm not, you know, saying it can't happen, but if you're saying you want one thing, why go the area of most resistance in order to get that thing? Or why invest energy and split it into two conflicting things? A lot of times we have these conflicting beliefs and values that our behaviors become conflicting and inconsistent. And if that's what's happening, then what we're communicating that we might not even know we're communicating is more incongruencies, more inconsistencies, and people can't commit to that. Ain't nobody gonna be willing to commit to the possibility of getting a lifelong viral infection from you, from me, if they can't trust who you are. They can't trust who you are if you don't know who you are. And one of the fastest way to know who you are is to know what you want and to communicate that, you know, do that even if you don't know. Knowing that you don't know what you want is so much better than lying and saying, I want this, I want this. I know that what I want is ridiculous. And so when the conversation comes up, I have to have more of a conversation about it. It's not as simple as I want monogamy, I want non monogamy, I want a family, right, like that sound good, but it's vague. And that vagueness has gotten me in trouble because I do what I think I'm supposed to do and not what I know I'm supposed to do or what's true for me. And what's true for me is, hey, we got to talk about this, because I need to know what your definition is of this thing. Because here's mine. And I like simplicity. I simplify as best I can. So I talk a lot. And in talking a lot, that is an extension of me being curious so that I can get to the real root of the language that you understand, the word choice, the how your breathing changes when you hear certain information, when you communicate certain information. I look at all that and I might not even see it with my eyes. I may just feel it in my body with how it's being said, how I'm receiving it, and then I inquire from that. And that's what I do on these support calls with people. And if a person is not ready for that, first thing I ask, if there was one thing you want to make sure we get out of our time together, what would it be? If you come and you tell me you don't know, first off, that means you didn't read all of the description. So now we gotta waste some of our 30 minutes with me giving you questions and information that you. You should already have thought about. So if you don't know, now I have to ask questions. I need to know. Okay, well, what made you reach out? So, okay, boom, you reached out because. All right, like, you're scared of dating in the future. Okay, all right, well, now let me give you some real experiences that can challenge what you believe to be true about your future. Now, as a person living with herpes, and then you tell me that that's not true, that's not reality, because that's been not your experience. And then you tell me you've been rejected several times. You didn't give me that information. Now, it sounds like the purpose of the call is you're struggling with rejection. You've been rejected in the past, and you would like to know how to move forward through that. Don't make me guess. Because if I get it wrong and you're not in a good place to be interrogated, in a sense, because that's what I have to do. I have to ask questions, and then when you give me some, I gotta challenge that. That's what I do. That's what makes this space different than Reddit or a positive singles Facebook group or a dating app, is that you're going to be met with a real person. And also, I'm a real person. So, like, please don't not show up for the calls. And, like, the way that I am on the podcast, the way that I am on the support calls, the way that I'm on the support groups, the way that I am on social media in real life, I believe this is the same person. You know, when I'm standing in front of a group of medical professionals, I have to carry myself a little bit more professionally. But overall, this is how I talk. This is how I would ideally dress. I just got back from the gym and I'm working and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, that's more important to me than anything else. So when people tell me when a person in nine years has told me that this wasn't helpful, this wasn't useful, and it feels like I date an entirely different species. When I speak about the experience of just meeting Women as humans with values. Excuse me, fan, just cut on. I guess it's the AC or dehumidifier. But yeah, dude told me that that's probably the most, you know, specific I'll get. But yeah, dude told me that because I was like, hey, where are you? Are you meeting these people? How are you assessing if y' all even have the same goals or y' all share the same values or if you're aligned? He said to me, you're talking all this about alignment and values. Like, like you, it sounds like you did a completely different creature. So it's like, damn, dude, you only, like, you objectify women to this extent that you can't even see them as human beings. Like, you just looking at their bodies, like, no wonder you're concerned about them using you or taking from you or wasting your time. And you have this sense of entitlement to their bodies. And, and that made me sad. And I think that what hurt me the most, not from an ego perspective, but from an empathy perspective, is that to have experienced as much rejection as he said he has after, you know, not telling me that and me having to be wrong in the direction that I go into with my questioning and offering what I think is being asked of me, it just sounds like this person's dating people for what they have, what they look like. And I mean, yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that. Like, do it, but understand that that's the level of dating that you're doing. And to that extent, your reciprocity, like what your give and take are, are measured on a scale of what's most important to that person. If what's most important to that person is to be able to continue to date superficially and you give them something that offers a little bit more seriousness than what they're willing to, yeah, it's a no brainer. Like, I'm not putting any value into this. Like, I don't fucking know you. I don't owe you anything. No, I don't want herpes. But when you challenge someone and you go, okay, well what are your values? How are you asking these people about them? Like, I don't know enough to be able to offer any kind of support. So to tell me that a support call is unsupported, when I have to guess and I have to ask more questions than probably that we have time for, no, it's not going to be helpful. So now I've also wasted my time. But by the end of that call and getting hung up on for the first Time in nine years hearing this is not useful. It's invalidating to me that you said that you've had one rejection in the entire time, which. Which tells me he wasn't even listening to me, because I didn't say that. I said, I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I've experienced rejection. And there are some people out there who. Who they go on, and the next person that they share their status with is who they end up in a relationship. So I had to consult with my people around me and get talked down because I was ready to, like, change. I was like, what the am I doing wrong, man? Like, for a person to come and say, like, this wasn't helpful. And you know what was validating to me? The very next call that I had with a man who came in, and he was like, you know what? I don't know what I need. I think maybe I just need to talk to somebody. And we talked, and I was like, hey, I don't feel like this was helpful to you at all. And he was like, no, it was actually very helpful. I think that that was really all I needed. We got off the phone, you know, and he emailed me. He emailed me later. He was like, hey, you know what? That was more helpful than I thought it was. I appreciate what you're doing. Keep it up. And then for that to have come that same day after having this shitty call that fucked up my entire afternoon, that felt validating. That felt like, okay, I don't need to go into the website and change things and set these expectations, but I feel like there was a message in there. And the message in there is, of course, like, the presence over performance. Like, you shouldn't be dating people off of the superficial components of, look what I can do for you. I can make you laugh. I can make you. I can take you to these expensive places. I can take you to get good food, because eventually that has to stop. And eventually all that's left is when the superficiality is melting away. Just over the course of time, through aging, through changes in life, circumstances, through resources going away. All that's going to be left is who you are. And of who you are is an income consistent. Can't no money fix that. Can't no sex fix that. Ain't no piece of ass gonna fix that, bruh. And that's what hurt me. Like, I think that he. What he wanted for me was like, what do I say to get laid? And I don't do that. I've never Done that. That if you come here, you're gonna do some work. I mean, I can listen to you, I can point you in the right direction. But if you reach out to me and we're on the other side of these video calls, I'm gonna meet you with curiosity, meet you with presence. I'mma challenge you. So with all that being said, let me see, what do we put here? Yeah, we, we ain't doing the tips and tricks. Here's how to get laid if you have herpes, right? Say these things and she'll be instantly attracted to you. Ain't none of that happening over here. All right? I will support you in, you know, your output over outcome. But yeah, this don't guarantee that somebody's gonna like you. You may just be an unlike likable person and people will have sex with unlikable people. But if you're unlikable and you're not certain about what you want, like the most unlikable person can be somebody who knows what the they want. And that's trustworthy, you can trust that. But if you're untrustworthy and you tell me you have herpes, like, how can I trust that you're going, that you're doing what it is that that you need to be doing to keep me from possibly getting it? How do I know that you're not trying to. You're going to try and trap me into getting herpes too, so that we can be together forever. We don't know this. People don't know that. So I mentioned stigma as an expression of ego, because what does it do? It makes us think about how things were, how things should be. Everything but now, everything but this moment. And that's not where we live life. We don't live life in the past and the future. That's what got us here. You know, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. This is what the first law of thermodynamics. It can be stored, it can be. There can be energetic input. But we're like storehouses of, of mass that contain energy. We're containers for it. So we're constantly taking things in, we're constantly letting things out. But to consciously store and release said energy in the moment when we can be present, that's authenticity. When our beliefs and behaviors align, the energy that we store and release pushes out of frequency, whether conscious or unconscious, and our words begin to produce outcomes. The output of our language, the output of what we say. Think about how I say, yeah, I have herpes and I run this non profit supporting People with it versus yeah, I have herpes and I support. I run this non profit supporting people with yeah, I got herpes and I run this non profit supporting people with it. What's up? I said that in three ways. A neutral way, a negative way, and a positive way. And I'm gonna go, you know, I'm gonna vote for you and say that the best one was the neutral one where I just stated it. I have herpes. I run this non profit supporting people who are living with it. That's it. And that's authentic to me because I know that my mission is to neutralize herpes. So if I can speak about it in a neutral way. Doing it. I'm doing it how I live. I'm doing it in how I present this. You'll see on the podcast cover art that language has changed. Neutralizing herpes state. Our words contain a gravity, just like our being does. Right? I walk into a room, people look at me a certain way. I speak, people look at me a certain way. Like I. Oh, I hate this one, but I hear it. I've heard it often throughout my life. Oh, you're so well spoken. You wouldn't say that if my skin was not black. You wouldn't say it if my hair looked different. You wouldn't say it if I was probably not muscular. Right? But that's. That's the weight of an expression, of an example, of the gravity of our word choice. Because if it's coming from a place of, I know who I am, my identity is in alignment of my beliefs and my behaviors, everything that I speak from that place is authentic. People gravitate towards authenticity. People are attracted to polarity just naturally. But it's the gravity of neutrality. Oh, that might be the power. That might be the podcast episode. The gravity of neutrality that shapes your reality and can increase your salary and energetic capacity. Now, I'm just saying. All right, but yeah, you want to align your internal beliefs and your external behaviors, right? So the whole thing with this manipulation and entitlement that I felt came from this particular individual. First off, we can't create a magic formula and say the thing that's just gonna get us laid. That shit don't work. It's not real, it's not what I do, and it's not what I support. I don't promote that shit. Support being who you are. I tell people all the time, I ain't got no game. And multiple times I've heard, courtney, that is your game. No game is your game. I, to this day, have no idea what that means. But the closest thing I got to it is authenticity. If I'm willing to tell you, hey, I ain't got no game. But I remember also, like, the first time I was like, real with somebody, it was. This was a model, y'. All. She was looking at me. She was outside. She, like, grabbed on to me and like, oh, let's go. Like, I was chosen. I don't know what I did. I have no idea. But she was on me. And I remember we went out that night. It was a group of us. And I was just. In my head, I was thinking about it. I was like, man, I need to get this girl hungry. I said, hey. She's like, yeah, sweetie put her hands on me and everything. I remember her name. I could say it now. Mackenzie. Mackenzie was her name. I was like, hey, I don't even know what to say, but can I get your number? She was like, she laughed. She put her number in my phone. It was the right one too. And she said, call me when you think of something better to say. I said, oh, at least I got it. Yeah. She never answered the phone though. But I know it was the right number because I got a voicemail. But this is before. This is before free texting, I think, oh, I'm old. But I say that to say, like, that's the thing that I had to let go of and dismantled. Because I would have gone on through my entire adulthood thinking that I needed scripts, that I needed to say the right thing. And not knowing the right thing to say or not having game, not having like a smooth ass pickup line has gotten me more genuine connection than any other thing I would have said. I told. I remember in college, I might have told this story. I said to somebody as I was leaving the place, I was like, damn, girl, you think it's a Harry Potter book? And I walked off, just left. I don't know how much further later. She was like, hey, hey, I remember you. I was out. You talking about. She was like, you told me I was thick as a Harry Potter book. He said, I did. And then I remembered, I was like, oh, I was drinking that night. But like, that's. That's who I am. I say, like, weird. I'm a weird person. Like, I've accepted that. I've embraced that more so recently over the past couple of months than anything else. I'm a walking contradiction, right? I'm a well spoken black dude. I had a black woman tell me the other day, she was like, oh, you're Black. I was like, that's supposed to be because we, we're in an atmosphere. I ain't gonna like give too much away about it, but we were in a shared atmosphere where we were two of the few word, darker skinned people, people. And there was music playing. And she'll know my taste in music. I got a diverse palette of song selection. But she was like, you know who this is? I was like, nope. She's like, oh yeah, you black. Black. I was like, damn. Well, that's kind of a compliment, I guess because, you know, for a lot of time I was told I wasn't black enough. Right? So that authenticity and that weirdness that I've adopted over the years, that's become what my truth is, that's become attractive. My identity is in alignment of my behaviors and my beliefs. And the more I lean into that reality for myself, the more I'm able to demonstrate it and speak from that place to hopefully support people in leading a life that is one that is from their identity. But we don't need scripts. And one of these hard reality is that if you're looking for a magic thing to say, then that's manipulation. You ain't gonna be in no relationship. That's abuse. That's manipulation. And to have the entitlement of thinking that if I say these things and you owe me some ass, that's trash. Should nobody be out here living that way? Like, I, I don't give a. What you read on the Internet, what you hear say ain't nobody entitled to nobody's bodies. And if you think that way, this ain't the space for you. And I hope you get the help that you need because it damn sure ain't gonna be. It's not going to be me if you're unwilling to hear the reality of how shitty that is, how that sounds. But that's not connection, that's manipulation. And I don't teach that here, so just wanted to make that known there. All right, I, I say this disclosure versus discussion. But the Internet algorithms I have to continue to use the word for that reason. But if you meet me and we end up having a conversation, I am going to invite you to use the word discussion over the word disclosure because and I wrote about this on The Herpes Blog spfpp.org herpes-blog if you Google herpes blog, it'll be one of the first things that comes up because the SEO is SEO. And baby, all this time that I've been having like not doing weekly podcast episodes and not really, being on social media, things have been like, I feel like a much greater consistency and professionalism to an extent. But yeah, I, I don't like disclosure because it, it inherently prioritizes this you versus me dynamic. Whereas discussion is a we us dynamic. It's not, I have to tell you about my herpes status and you have to accept or reject it. It's we, you and I are having a discussion about our sexual health status. It's not a confession, it's a conversation. It's not a disclosure, it's a discussion. And that's what I try and get people to realize, is that that's what we want to do. I'm not giving you a script. I'm giving you an outline for covering the things that need to be covered. Covered for the conversation. You use your own language. So environmentally makes a difference, contextually makes a difference. What y' all want makes a difference. Who you are the attraction. Right. There are a lot of factors that go into there, but ultimately, if you can, hey, you know, I see things. Getting sexual with us is that, Am I picking up on that? Right? Yeah. Great. Well, sexual health is important to me and it's important that I take care of mine and my partners. Are you in a place place to talk about that? Yeah. Great. I was tested this long ago. Here's what I was tested for. These things came back negative. Here's what came back positive. What about you? That's a discussion. And if you feel like that's too much at one time, then chunk it out. I was tested for these things. What about you? Oh, yeah, these things came back negative. What about you? Here's what came back positive. What about you? Simple as that. So in that we create the standard, we set the standard for being able to co create an experience through dialogue and the discussion. Right? We shift from confession to conversation. It removes the ego out of. Okay, if I say these things, this is the outcome I'm going to get based on my past experiences. No, the outline that you use in the moment and you show that you're present, right? Like, let's say somebody's eating a corn dog. Like, yeah, hey, I'm trying to turn into that corn dog. But before we do, let's have this conversation. Right? So I don't teach people how to have transactional relationships. I don't do that. So I can't, I can't teach you that. Like, good luck finding, you know, what it is that you're looking for. But I want people to be able to come here and Live, live their truth. Even if your truth is you decide that you don't want to have this conversation with people, right. Know that I'm not gonna support it, I'm not gonna endorse it. I'm going to give you the information, I'm going to challenge you, and you're going to make the choice that aligns most authentically with who you are and be prepared to deal with whatever the possible outcomes are. My focus is on the output, put it harm reduction. That includes harm to yourself and others. So I will do everything that I can. And authenticity to me is the pathway to that. Because if you are who you are and people make the choice to engage with who you are, then I, I did my job. Satya is one of the oh my God. Yamas or niyamas. Yama is external, Niyama is internal, I want to say, but satya, true truth, truthfulness. When you live in authentic life, it's almost like your actions and your words become truth, become reality. So living in an authentic way, like, yeah, you know, I choose to share my status with people. All right, if that's true, I'm going to be put in situations where I have to share my status with people. And if I'm talking all this, make it a conversation and discussion, and I'm not doing that. I'm not being authentic. I'm inauthentic. How can I have, how can I do that? I can't co create from an inauthentic place. And so being able to have this conversation is kind of like co creating. And I value that. I value the ability to create because it's sexual energy, right? Maybe I don't want to have sex. Maybe I, I, it's just an inherent drive to create. Maybe we do something together and maybe we have sex. Right? But it's the use of that energy in a collaborative and exploratory way. All right, so wrapping this all up, speaking of sex and sexual health, the next recording that I do is going to be with Tamar Weir, who runs Pomegranate Pleasure on Instagram. Follow her. She was on the podcast before about polyamory, non monogamy and living with her herpes. And she talked a little bit about pleasure as well. But we connected last year for that podcast episode. And then we got to meet in person and we're going to talk about ureaplasma and being able to communicate that to partners because we were partners. And she had, you know, sent me a text, hey, I was exposed to uria plasma. We talked about it. And we're going to do a podcast episode we're going to record today. So be on the lookout for that as the next podcast episode. And yeah, please subscribe to the newsletter. The algorithm sucks. So in order for me to appease the algorithm, I have to speak in a certain way, and I don't want to play that shit. So I'm going to say what I got to say the way that I say it, and we're going to put it out there, except for with the word disclosure, because that's how people find me. So I'm trying to be. I want to be consistent and I want to continue to express in a way that is truthful and not do the gimmicky. I ain't got it. If anybody does want to be a podcast guest, you have to be willing to be on camera. I don't want to continue to fuel stigma by hiding people and having to go back later and remove podcast episodes, because after that, over time, people realize, oh, shit, I'm on the Internet about this. I. I can't take everything off the Internet. Once I hit publish on that podcast episode, I don't know where this shit ends up. I know it's on the feed, and I can remove it from the feed, but you gonna reach out to me and say, hey, this new. This other podcast hosting site, I don't have time for that. So unless you are absolutely certain that you want to be a podcast guest, we don't need to. Some people say they want to be podcast guests, but really you need a support call. I say that with the utmost respect, but please don't submit the podcast guest intake form if you are not willing to actually be a podcast guest and if you're not at an okay place with your status. So at least be able to talk about it, y', all, please. And then the last thing I have, as far as collaborations go, I'm looking for. For people who want to be on camera talking about sexual health and relationships. I would love to be able to start here and branch out and be able to do these things. However, you know, if I got to, like, I got a time limit. Like, I. I need this by August 29th. I need to know if people want to do this. I'm located in Brooklyn, New York. I have a videographer. If you're somebody who wants to volunteer your time to help me do these things and create this video library on how to discuss your sexual health status and relationships with partners, please reach out to me. I'm available for that in those conversations. I'm currently reaching out to local sexual health organizations, the Department of Health, to co create a social media campaign where we're able to show people what it's like to talk about sex with partners, what it's like to discuss sex and sexual health in the clinical, clinical setting, as a provider, as a mental health professional, or even as a patient to initiate that conversation. So that's what we're working on. And yeah, please check the newsletter for blogs and upcoming events. And also yeah, I I want to teach y' all this thing that I'm teaching about nurturing your nature, which is identifying the intangible aspects of yourself, your values, beliefs, and being able to nurture those and validate them through your expression of identity. All right, till next time, stay present, y', all and thank you for watching or listening or whatever it is that you're doing. I appreciate it and look forward to hopefully connecting with people at some of the events. This was me trying to stall while I hit the stop record button, but it ain't happening. Here we go. Bam.