Brittany (5:22)

My name's Brittany. I went to Tranquility Bay in Treasure Beach, Jamaica. I was sent there May of 2005.

Interviewer (5:34)

And was that the only institution you were at?

Brittany (5:38)

Yes. Tranquility Bay was the last resort. People got sent there when they got kicked out of all of the other WASP programs. But I got sent there directly.

Interviewer (5:50)

What was your family dynamic like growing up?

Brittany (5:54)

My parents are still married, have one older brother and two younger brothers. We're all kind of close. We used to be a lot closer. We love each other, but we were all very much involved in this cult church. Everything from the outside seems like everything was normal. We are just a great Christian family. We love God, we go to church, we fellowship. I was homeschooled up until second grade, before we were even born. My mom was a teacher. So when she started having kids, she wanted to homeschool us. She wanted to be the perfect mom. She's going to teach us, she's going to raise us. It's going to be this perfect family. But the church told her to send us to public schools so that she would have more time to devote to the Kingdom. The kingdom would be the church. They had disciplers is what they would call them. That discipler is in charge of leading you and guiding you and telling you what to do. That discipler is a better Christian, is closer to God. They will lead you the right way. And if you don't follow your discipler, then you're sinning. My discipler had a discipler and it goes all the way up. Everybody's trying to keep everybody in line based on this hierarchical structure. Everything I knew was church. When I was super young, it'd be like, this is your friend Krista. Krista is your best friend. And then Krista would be my best friend. I didn't even know how or why I would make another best friend. That was all I knew. Everything was given to me and placed accordingly.

Interviewer (7:30)

So a high control environment was something that was normalized to you pretty early on. It sounds like.

Brittany (7:37)

Yeah, because this is a worldwide church. They're all over the place, right? So every quarter they'd come together. There'd be like thousands of people and they'd have a whole show. It'd be like a whole production. You had the elders who were up in charge in the big head honchos. They were the ones going out to the third world countries and doing all of these mission trips. They would be making movies and videos and ads.

Interviewer (8:02)

How did they have so much money?

Brittany (8:04)

We're talking about hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people in this church. Whatever the tithe amount was would be different for each person. So you would work that out with your discipler. It'd be like part of your budget. Your discipler would help you do your financing. Where is your money going to be going? And how much money can you give to the church and still be able to support your family? Some people could give more. If you couldn't give as much money, then maybe you could give in other ways, like giving your time. So maybe my mom could be a Bible school teacher. Everybody had to contribute and they would have special contributions. I don't even know how often it was, but it'd be like everybody would be saving their money up for a long time in addition to all of the tithing. I do not know how much money my parents gave to the church. We did not grow up wealthy at all. We were sent to church camp every summer, sometimes multiple weeks. And my mom always said she brought me to camp kicking and screaming, like I didn't want to go. But when I came back, I had like, completely transformed. I had been awarded most like Jesus, that Week I started studying the Bible, and I got baptized. It took months. I had an older brother, and I have two younger brothers. And out of all of us, I was the only one that really got into the church. My parents picked our whole family up and moved us from Gwinnett to Marietta so that we could go to school with a larger population. Marietta had a bigger youth ministry. The church told my family to move there because we would have more support, because there'd be more network. I was getting older, and I was starting to question things. The thing that sparked it for me was this head honcho guy. He had written a letter that had exposed a lot of things that were fucked up that the elders of the church were doing, were thinking, we're giving all this money for them to do all these mission trips. But apparently the money was going for them to have these fancy cars and clothes and houses and things of that nature. This letter got leaked out, and it kind of split the church in two. Some people decided to stay, and then some people decided to leave and do their own church. That's when I left. And when I left, I got shunned by everybody that I had ever known. My parents, too. They didn't leave the church until after I did. I was shunned by them for a while. They did have a choice, but they were so brainwashed. All they knew was that I was turning against the church. I was turning against God. It wasn't even like I was not going to be a Christian. It was just like, I want to think for myself, and I want to separate, and that was a bad thing. People that were my best friends for many years would not even make eye contact with me anymore because I was such a terrible sinner for turning my back against the church. It felt very alone. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have anybody to talk to. I was completely lost. My parents thought that maybe something was wrong with me. They started sending me to doctors. They started taking me to psychiatrists. I remember going through a bunch of different types of medication because we were trying to find what was going to fix me. A lot of the stuff that I was being prescribed would make me just totally loopy. Like, I didn't even feel like myself. My parents were trying to just make me into the child they wanted me to be.

Interviewer (11:57)

And it was purely because of your wanting to separate from the ideology of the church.

Brittany (12:02)

I think that's where it stemmed from.

Interviewer (12:04)

Because, like your brothers were, they just never as involved. So the expectation was just different for Them?

Brittany (12:10)

Yep. They just were not involved. But I'm the only girl out of four kids.

Interviewer (12:15)

Do you think maybe gender roles also plays a little bit of a piece there in terms of expectation?

Brittany (12:21)

Probably. My older brother, he got kicked out of the house. He had dropped out of school. He was sent to an alternative school. He didn't go to Jamaica. I don't know how they found out about Tranquility Bay, but the church was really instrumental in making most of the decisions for my family. So I'm assuming that somebody in the church had probably pointed them in that direction. Could you talk to me a little.

Interviewer (12:49)

Bit about the weeks leading up to you going to Jamaica?

Brittany (12:55)

I had been shunned and then I made a whole new friend group with different people. I got really addicted to OxyContin, stopped going to school. That all happened really, really fast. It was like a six month period of time. My parents and I had been discussing going to alternative schools where my older brother had gone. You can go there and get your ged. It's a lot more lax. We had also visited a couple of outpatient rehab places and then they had taken me to a couple different private Christian schools as well. I went in and did like a shadow, spend a day at school with another student kind of thing to see if I liked it. Those were things that we were discussing to get me out of where I was going to school, but nothing about anything about a program, nothing remotely related to Jamaica, anything like that.

Interviewer (13:58)

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Doug (15:21)

Limu Cable and Doug. Here we have the Limu Imu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

Interviewer (15:39)

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

Doug (15:42)

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty. Liberty Savings vary underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

Brittany (15:55)

I've been staying with my boyfriend at the time. The nightstand directly prior to me getting sent to Jamaica. I had come back to my house, went to bed, and they had to have heard me come in and been like, all right, she's here. This is our chance. Call him. The light turned on and I rolled over and looked, and there were these two people, one man and a woman. They're both older. They're standing there next to my dresser. They were like, oh, we're here to take you to your new school. I was confused, but I was like, oh, okay. My mind's a little groggy. And I remember being like, I just want to smoke a cigarette. And they're like, you can't have a cigarette. And I remember thinking in my head, where's my wallet? I know there's an oxy in there. I'm like, can I change clothes? They kept being like, everything's already taken care of. The woman had handcuffs. She said, I don't really think that we need these with you. I feel like I can trust you to walk out with us. I'm just like, wait, why would you need to put me in handcuffs? That's what I'm thinking. I didn't do anything wrong. And she's like, if we have any issues, I'm going to have to put them on them. That's when I really started getting very confused. They wouldn't tell me anything. They kept saying the same thing over and over again. It was all very scripted. I remember walking up the door, looking back, and it was just so quiet. The house was so dark. There was not a light on in the house at all. Where was my family? They took me into the car, and it was probably like, 45 minute drive to the airport. I had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a gas station, let me go in. She stood outside and waited. I remember looking at the window and being like, can I get out? Thinking about running, but then wondering like, why am I running because I don't know where I'm going. At that point it was like, the best option is to continue with these people. You have no idea where you are, you have no idea where you're going. You don't know where your family is. You don't know what the situation is. It's like, let's just ride this out for a little bit longer. And then we got to the airport. I didn't know where we were going until we had gotten through security, gotten up to the gate. That's when I found out we were going to Jamaica. I remember trying to make eye contact with other people in the airport, like, I need help. I felt like I was being kidnapped and my parents didn't know about it. Whether my parents know about it or not, somebody help me. This is not okay. I think I had been able to get somebody to come over and talk and they cut that off pretty quickly. I don't remember what time we actually got to Tranquility Bay. It was really, really bright and sunny. It had to have been like midday. You were in a cement bound facility. It was like a prison. Everything was painted white. Everybody had their own little cubby and this is like an open square box, like an Ikea shelving. The beds fold up and then the cubbies would be in between each one. But you weren't allowed to have things. We didn't have toiletries. You couldn't clip your nails. You can like clean your ears. They gave you pads if you're on your period. They had similar to what you would have in jail with like a commissary, I think that was once a month they would bring around a sheet of paper that would have things that you could order, basic toiletry stuff. Or if you needed a new uniform or you needed a new pair of socks or shoes. We had white collar, button down shirt, short sleeves all the way down to your elbow. But it's that nasty fabric that's rough. The shorts we wore, they were navy blue, elastic band, no drawstring. They went down to your knees. It was almost like a pair of basketball shorts, but that wasn't material. You had to have the shirt tucked in and we had to have her hair in a bun.

Interviewer (19:46)

How are the rules told to you when you first are Arriving and adjusting to being there.

Brittany (19:53)

We had a buddy. It wasn't for a very long time. She really didn't have too much care about it. And because I was already like, I know how to do this. She's like, oh, you got this. Just keep following the rules. This is gonna be easy for you. Ain't no thing. She probably worked the program very quickly and was about to get out. So I don't remember her doing much or telling me much about anything that I didn't already learn on my own. Looking out at the ocean was a level six consequence. It would drop you all the way down to zero points. Level one is classified as a run plan. Now, mind you. It's visible all the time. They'd come out and be like, something wrong with your hair? They'd pull something in my hair and be like, unkept consequence. But it'd be something stupid that's like very subjective. We'd have to walk with these buckets to get water for bucket showers. And we'd wash our clothes every other day. We'd go down to the wash area, then we'd sit there and we'd scrub our clothes. You had to move very quickly. This is not very hygienic. But we did not have enough time. It was like a race. And if you didn't finish you consequence, you're moving too slow. They would pick on these girls and then the girl would be like, I'm trying. And they'd be like talking back consequence. If the kids were getting out of control or something like that, they would call for staff. They'd push them down the floor. They would restrain them, A knee on their back. You could hear sometimes people like, screaming out or crying. Sometimes they'd be gone for days. But when they come back, most of them had been all bruised and cut up. They tell us they were getting beat up, but I didn't really believe it because I was like, they're just acting out. And to pray for them, for God to open their hearts to help them see that if they just only change that they could get out of here. There was no one overseeing the staff. There's no one that would come and be like, whoa, hands off the moms. These would be the staff. They spoke English enough to be able to communicate, not enough to be able to like, sit down and have a whole long conversation. Some of those moms had to take two buses. It took two hours to get to work. But they were on alternate shifts for like three or four days. They would do 12 hour shifts and then they had somewhere they would sleep and then come back. The only people who weren't Jamaican was the therapist that would come in once a month if you were lucky because you didn't always show up. We had a psychiatrist. He was a Jamaican doctor. You would see him not as often, but my parents were in touch with both the psychiatrist and the therapist. Therapy was not a big focus. My parents would be like, make sure you talk to so and so about this when you go and see them. They were thinking that we were going to go every two weeks. They thought we were going to get help, but we didn't. We're all taking these medications that you have to take every day. But you've got a nurse that's distributing medication and sometimes doesn't even make it by. I had written about stealing a Q tip from one of the upper levels to clean my ears out because they were so dirty and itchy. But then the problem is now I can't hear. And I had a really, really, really bad ear infection. Could not hear at all for almost two weeks before the nurse came and gave me ear drops. This is when they took me to a doctor off site. They had to take me in a van and transport me. There was this woman who was a family liaison. She would talk to my parents and update them on how I was doing. If there are any things that I specifically needed or wanted to pass information along, she would do that for you. I'm sure that what my parents were being told wasn't exactly what was happening and vice versa. Level two was when you were able to start writing your parents. You get a journal and a pen. At level two, being able to even.

Interviewer (23:59)

Write was a privilege.

Brittany (24:01)

Uh huh. Being able to have your own things was a privilege. I talked to my parents for the first time in four months. I do remember that first phone call. They brought me in. I sat at the cubicle like a square box, but with one side that was open. It was an old school phone. It was maybe 15 minutes. Most of the entire call was crying. I wrote about it in my journal. They love me so much and it's so obvious to hear that coming from them. I feel so happy right now. Hearing their hope and enthusiasm for the future makes me have that much too. Completing the program is going to benefit my family and I so greatly. Thank you for that opportunity. I feel so lucky. But I know that I have worked very hard. Good disciples see God with all of their hearts. They are not perfect. I remember the feeling coming out of that. Everything from like the pride I had of myself for working so hard to get the privilege to talk to my parents. Level three is a big level because we got our own toothpaste. We would put toothpaste on our face on pimples, to like dry out the pimples. And that was considered a self inflict that would drop you down to level zero, all the way down to the bottom. At night, the staff would be walking around and checking in. Level three, you're allowed to go to the beach. If you are lucky, the staff will be able to arrange a time for you to take a field trip with them. It wasn't like you turned level three and they're like, all right, let's plan the beach trip. They had to actually like you. That's probably one of the clearest memories that I have from Jamaica. I think I was there for like 30 minutes maybe. And there was coral. For my first time ever in my whole life, I had seen a sea urchin. We were just walking on the edge of a shore, but we were outside of the gates. And by gates, I'm talking about 12 foot high, 5ft wide, cement, just walls. Also, we were able to do work projects. These were cleaning tasks that we were allowed to do unsupervised because they trust us to be alone doing things like scrubbing the showers. I journaled about that too, telling God, thank you. I was so excited. I was asked to join the upper levels in a cleaning project in the bathroom. And I'm singing praises to the Lord while I'm scrubbing the wall of this bathroom with what I think might be a piece of a sponge. This is such a privilege to be able to clean and give back and look at what I've earned. I was so successful there because I switched my brain back into this brainwashing mentality. Like when I was with the church. And having just gotten out of the church, it takes time for you to reprogram your brain. So you might have pulled yourself away from that, but immediately you're looking for something to fill that void.

Interviewer (27:18)

Do you do the seminars during level.

Brittany (27:20)

Two or level three? You had orientation, then you had Discovery. And when you finish Discovery, that's when you were able to get level three. That's gotta be when you had PC1, which is parent, child. My parents would fly up, they come up with all the other parents, and then we have simultaneous seminars during that time. It's like a big field trip and you to walk them around. They didn't get to like come in and see where I slept. Or anything we ate together, but it was like a special meal. It wasn't what they served us every day. There were a couple of workshop things that we did together. I remember just hugging my mom a lot and her crying, them being so happy and then being like, this is such a beautiful place. Because it was so beautiful it almost looked like you were at a resort in that area. But no one goes in the area. It's like strictly locked down for PC 1 and 2. When the parents come in and then they show them off this luxury resort, they don't get to see anything else.

Interviewer (28:24)

Did your parents do the seminars at home?

Brittany (28:26)

Yes, they did. My parents became so excited, indoctrinated with the program, that they began teaching classes and seminars. When you were level four and level five, you had a job because you weren't there sitting and being with the family and following everything else, you could start giving out consequences on your own. Now I'm an enforcer now. Instead of me just being like, hey girl, make sure you tie your shoe. Now it is hey mom, so and so's shoes untied. Consequence. You would do it just right in front of people. I had a buddy. Anna had told on her for something, but she went to op. This is what I wrote about in my journal. Two years ago I had the privilege of visiting my old buddy in op. Staff walked me up to the black room and I walked into new surroundings that brought up tons of stories that the girls had told me about and walked into a small isolation room where she was. I saw about five or six staff and a supervisor standing in a circle, but I didn't see her. I followed their stairs to her, wedged between two walls in about a three foot area under a shelf. By choice. She looked up at me and said, oh shit. Why did you bring her up here talking to the staff? Her face was bruised and swollen and her eyes were bloodshot in puffy, surrounded by black swollen skin. Her arms were covered with deep gashes and her legs with bruises. And she was holding her face. I almost cried, but was praying to God, why did you send me here to her? She hates me. How can I help her? I told her I wanted to help, but she said I couldn't. I didn't understand. She started screaming, screaming that I was making it worse. And it was clear in everyone's eyes that we were all hurting for her and didn't know what to do. After about 10 minutes I got back to the dorms and cried harder than I've cried since being here. Why did I have to see her like that. Why was she doing that to herself? Why did God send me up there if I couldn't help her? Her misery was spreading to me. I didn't like seeing her being out of control. And it hurt me to see her hurt and to leave with her saying she hated me and I wanted her to feel loved. But she didn't trust me and she was scared of me and everyone in the room. I've prayed and prayed and prayed that God can use me in her life because I know he had a reason for sending me up there. But out of all the girls in the facility, they chose me to bring her up there and console her. I am so believing that she beat herself up like that, had this self righteous attitude, you know, I'd be praying for them like God, please open their hearts to see the way that they're acting. If she would only just follow the program. She's doing this to herself. She wasn't doing all that to herself. I put somebody in that situation, hurt me so bad. But I was doing what I thought was the right thing to do. I was working the program.

Interviewer (31:57)

And you are all children again, going through your own significant challenges and struggles. I hear how hard that was for you and how remorseful you feel about that.

Brittany (32:09)

Have this strong passion. It's almost like a need to take care of other people, especially young girls. When I was reading back through that, I think that's where a lot of it stemmed from because I felt like the whole time I was there, I was sent there from God to protect these girls. And then going back through and realizing that I was one of the ones that was causing them pain. It was just like at that point I was fully submerged in the program. I'm still thinking I'm in the right, but it obviously hurt me emotionally because I didn't write anything in my journal for four days.

Interviewer (32:45)

When do you feel like the shift happened for you where you started to see the experience for how harmful it was?

Brittany (32:55)

So that would be once I started getting to upper level.

Interviewer (33:05)

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Doug (34:53)

And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds of with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

Interviewer (35:08)

Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

Doug (35:11)

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts.

Brittany (35:25)

Another thing that came up when I was reading my mom's letters when we are getting close to the end where they're trying to convince me to like stay and finish the program. When I turned 18, my parents did not get extended custody. As your children get older, parents were encouraged to apply for extended custody for your child which would mean that they have you until you're 21 years old instead of 18.

Interviewer (35:49)

Extended custody and parental responsibility, it's very case dependent. But the parents could go to the courts and try to get this extended custody which would in essence allow them to transfer that custody to Tranquility Bay for an extended period of time.

Brittany (36:08)

Correct.

Interviewer (36:08)

To keep you there after your 18th birthday. That's what they recommended to your parents, to all parents.

Brittany (36:15)

But my parents did not do that. They were committed to my success and our family would be fixed and they would love me unconditionally if I finished a program. When I finished the program, I moved back home. I would live with them for free. I would have all of the freedom and stuff as an adult, but I wouldn't have to pay for room and board. So that would give me the opportunity to start saving and they were going to help me. They'd got to buy me a Car. They were going to help me get an apartment. Our family's going to be perfect. We're going to give you everything if you stay and graduate the program. I had already graduated high school. I had taken my SATs. In Jamaica, you can either sign yourself out when you're 18, or you can stay and finish the program. I was close to finishing the program, but I had gotten drops down to level zero because someone told on me for cheating on a test or something right before. I didn't cheat on a test. When I'm reading other people's stories, what happened to me is not uncommon at all. They don't really want you to succeed that fast. They're making money. If I had started over and decided to stay and finish the program after I dropped, it would have been probably three years. And they were trying to get me sent to this other school that was only for upper levels. Instead of staying at Jamaica to finish the program, they would send me over to this other program. Whereas small dorms and work programs and you were responsible for cooking and you had free time and movie nights and things like that, you would learn how to do things like be an adult in real life. The way it made me feel was that y' all are full shit. You're saying you love me unconditionally if I finish the program, but if I don't finish the program, they use the term. We do not support those choices. My exit plan was my parents were going to buy me a plane ticket home, and then they rented me a room in somebody's house for one month. They gave me a $100 gift card to cover. And if I wanted any kind of relationship with my family, I would have to reach out to them. If I got a job within the first two weeks, they would pay for my second month of that room. And then after that, it was nothing. I was still there for a week or two weeks after my birthday, which was November 14th. End of November is when I got back here. They picked me up from the airport. They brought me back to the new house. We had dinner, and I spent the night there. The next day, they took me and moved me into this room. It was that same day that my parents were like, we'll drive you around if you want to find a job. We don't mind driving you around so you can go and apply places. That's how I got the job at Waffles. I just walked right in and got the job immediately. My parents were like, you're just going to go back to these old Friends, your old world, you're going to go back to drugs. But no, I mean, I went to college scholarship. My parents paid for my books. If I got A's and B's. My parents have helped me out a lot. That mindset, we don't want you a part of our family. That is not what they wanted. That was all brainwashed talk. I think when I came home and they were able to, like, see me, they're like, you've changed so much. You're entirely a new person. You're not addicted to drugs anymore. This is great. We do want you a part of our family. But it's always been, she never graduated the program, so at any point in time, she could just turn on you. Or if I make a poor choice, it's not a surprise because we're expecting her to fail. When I got out, there was a guy that was in there. Who his family. He actually was in the church that I grew up in, too. He was in TB at the same time that I was there when he got out. He had called and asked me, there's these big lawsuits going on. They're looking for people to join. Do you want to join? And I was like, no, because I never had that experience. I got on Facebook and there's groups of people with other programs. I had found this guy and I had talked to him. He was one of the three guys that had escaped Tranquility Bay. And he told me the whole story firsthand. He is the one that told me that one of those three guys had died.

Interviewer (40:52)

And did your parents know that?

Brittany (40:53)

I don't know my dad. He is always one to have done research. I mean, that's one of the questions I really want answered. Did you even look into this? I do talk to my parents. I used to be a lot closer to them, but since they moved to Alabama and when I started tapping into this whole Jamaica thing and revisiting memories and stuff, they have really pulled away. It has put a wedge in our relationship a little bit. My parents see it as Jamaica saved my life when I went there. I mean, I was addicted to Oxy's. I was not on a good path when I came out of Jamaica. Like, a lot of the people I was hanging out with had died or were in jail or rehab. I think it did save my life, but I think that I could have been saved in a lot of other ways. Being sent to Jamaica was just extreme. It was that same kind of cult brainwashing the church had installed in them. It was. This is the program. This is going to work. This is what you need to do. I do believe that my parents really felt like they were making the right choice for me. I'm like, okay, it saved my life, but can you please acknowledge the CPTSD that has caused me from being there? I'm not addicted to oxygen anymore, but I'm sure it's fucked up in a hell of a lot of other ways.

Interviewer (42:21)

Rehabilitation is possible without abuse, without having.

Brittany (42:26)

To go to a place like that. I never had been sent to a rehab. I had never been sent anywhere else to then feel like a burden on my family for costing so much money. Feeling guilty that I'm such the problem child, that all my brothers are hurting, that my family's hurting because I'm so fucked up that they have to spend all of our money keeping me in Jamaica. Like, I felt so terrible. There are a lot of things that if my parents would have just been honest and had some family discussion and with the boys, it would have saved a lot of heartache over the last 20 years. Up until about six months ago, when I started talking to them about it, they all thought I was just at this school in Jamaica, like, living at large on the beach, smoking weed, just having a grand old time. Mom and dad spending all the money and them being broke because Brittany's in Jamaica. And it was this glorified experience, but they didn't know any different. I feel like they had blamed me. Even my parents, they were struggling financially the whole time. My mom would talk about it was so much money to ship me a package. It was not like she didn't care. But that's how much my family was hurting for money. That's how broke they were because they were paying all of their money to keep me there.

Interviewer (43:44)

Because they thought this was going to save your life.

Brittany (43:47)

Yeah, and they still do.

Interviewer (43:49)

Now you're working on a book, and you've done quite a bit of writing. Has that been helpful for you in healing?

Brittany (43:56)

Yes, absolutely. The book, I started putting that together before any of this NETFLIX documentary program stuff even came about. I had read this book. It's called An Unquiet Mind, and it's a personal memoir of this psychology professor who is diagnosed with bipolar. Reading that book was, like, the first time I felt in my life that I ever really related to somebody that I felt I wasn't alone. I journal a lot and have since I got back from Jamaica. It's probably what started it. My book that I want to write is more focused on that. Me going through and rereading this stuff, reopening my journal from Jamaica, going through, rereading my letters that I wrote to my parents and the letters that they wrote to me, in revisiting these memories that I had suppressed for so long, this is helping. It is healing, but it's really hard. I have a lot of really phenomenal qualities about me that sometimes they can be taken advantage of. The loyalty, the kindness, the generosity, things that I'm doing. But knowing where they came from and why I have such a passion to be that way, understanding that has been vital. And me kind of learning how to give myself to the right people instead of just getting walked all over and hurt and disappointed continuously. I want to be able to share my story and what I went through, my feelings. If I could just, like, be able to change somebody else's life. If I could help one girl feel like they're not alone and prevent them in some way from making the choices that I did, I would feel like my life was fulfilled. I'm learning more and more and more about how much that place had a direct impact on some of the dark times that have happened to me over the past 20 years since I've been out. But I feel it's important to share that with other people.

Interviewer (46:13)

Next time on Something was Wrong.

Brittany (46:17)

We did all of the labor and maintenance and took care of John's 21 horses. We're supposed to be having equine therapy, but there's only like six girls, which are called the horse girls that were his favorite girls that got to have horse therapy. There was no equine therapy for us. We just shoveled the shit of these horses. A lot of horseshit. The theory was that they had to break us down like the horses that he was obsessed with breaking.

Interviewer (46:49)

Something was Wrong is a broken cycle. Media production created and produced by executive producer Tiffany Reese, associate producers Amy B. Chesler and Lily Rowe with audio editing and music design by Becca High. Thank you to our extended team. Lauren Barkman, our social media marketing manager, Sarah Stewart, our graphic artist and Marissa and Travis from wme. Thank you endlessly to every survivor who has ever trusted us with their stories. And thank you each and every, every listener for making our show possible with your support and listenership. In the episode notes, you'll always find episode specific content, warnings, sources and resources. Thank you so much for your support. Until next time, stay safe, friends.

Doug (47:48)

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Interviewer (48:04)

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

Doug (48:06)

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Brittany (48:11)

Liberty.

Doug (48:12)

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