Transcript
A (0:00)
Nothing wrong with the pussy. Nothing wrong with the pussy. Nothing wrong with the pussy.
B (0:07)
All right, all right. Welcome Back to episode 15 of Something Wrong with the Podcast. It's Julian and everyone. Hey, we're back. It's just me. There's no guests. Just me and my thoughts. Actually, the later part of this episode, I'm going to stitch in a bit of a live that I did last night with the good homies on the YouTube community.
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But the beginning of this episode is.
B (0:31)
Just going to be me in this microphone, and I think we're long overdue for just a solo episode. I think the topic of today's episode, I'm going to speak in depth to an extent on a recent journey that I've been on of personal growth, which has led for me to be quite recluse and off the Internet lately these days. And it's funny, like, the less you communicate on the timeline and the more you communicate with a therapist. I have, officially, I have a therapist. So a round of applause for that. Woo. Crowd noise. I have done it. I found a therapist that I respect and one that has worked great with me. Mind you, we're only two sessions in to the therapy. And as, as, as all of you know, therapy isn't something where, you know, BY the, the 10th, the 10th treatment, the 10th session, you get a punch card and you're healed. It's a lifelong thing. And I like many things I take on, I take seriously. And I'm very excited to take on this and grow just into my early 30s. I'm excited to grow throughout this entire decade and onto the next and just be a better version of myself. I have spoken to people I've been close with about this journey thus far. And I've said in my younger years, when I was in college, I was mostly academic focused, and you're chasing that. What's your ceiling there? And then graduating college and when I was teaching in Chicago, you start really looking at yourself and what you want to do and how you want to develop and how you want to be seen in the world. And I kept putting my, I'd say, like my other things by the wayside. So I'm trying to find the correct way to articulate this, but basically ignoring things that I know I should be working on to further my career, to further my social life or certain things in my life. I was prioritizing things other than working on myself and growing more so with my relationships with, with substance and with women. I continued to like, you know, belabor the addressing those two Things. So timing. Time is fast forward, fast forward. And now I'm at a place where now's the time. And I've thought, well, what if I started the work years ago? I'd probably be in a better place by now. But I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. And when stuff happens, it's because you're ready for it to happen. Now. I did try therapy once when I was in Chicago. It was not great. The guy was not for me. Just didn't get it done. So I found someone here by way of a friend. In my initial conversation with him was an hour and a half, and it was amazing. I felt very comfortable. And like all good therapists, he's a great listener. And, yeah, we're two weeks in, two sessions in. We're trying to keep a weekly schedule afloat. And it's just really changed my perspective, honestly, on how I've always liked to think that I can. If I put my mind to something, I can change the circumstances to create a better outcome. Meaning, like, I've been pretty open about my substance abuse in the past, where if I say, hey, this is getting out of control. I need to stop. I can stop it because. And it's a matter of, okay, just stop doing the very thing that causes. That inflicts pain. Done. Or, like, the dry January. I just. I just did. Hey, I have a goal for myself. Put this down and don't touch it for a month. Okay? No sips of alcohol. Done. Boom. February 1st comes around. Not going crazy. But, hey, look, I did it. I accomplished something. The thing with, like, therapy and personal growth is there's no, like, titular moment where the very thing is done. There's no, like, you know, fireworks. There's no, you can't gamify therapy. Although I'm sure, like, BetterHelp and other places have certainly tried to. That being said, if you want to sponsor the show, please do. But it's intimidating because I think what excites me is I've started the journey, so that means the growth will happen. The growth is currently happening. I think this is the early stages of it is communication, like, conversations like this and other conversations I've been having with other people. But it's just. There's no goal. Well, there is a goal to be better, but there's no end. Like, there's no, you did it. You crossed the finish line. You're better. I think that comes with people around you, people that you care about, noticing different things in you. And obviously, you and yourself also Acknowledging recognizing better habits, better patterns and things that you once weren't able to do or weren't comfortable doing and just, you know, changing growth. In short, I guess I should just say so. I went in with very good, pure intentions and it seems to be off to a great start. I had a pretty singular focus in mind without getting into too much detail. Mars more with, like, intimacy with partners and just kind of like breaking bad, just breaking bad habits when it comes to those relationships in my life. And in doing so, I've rather quickly discovered, and not to my surprise, I think, surprisingly, in how quickly these things have all come about. But there's a very clear through line between all of these events and how I've kind of built up this calloused approach to a very significant portion of one's life. And it's kind of excited. It's not. It's very exciting to acknowledge these things, unearth and share details or stories of things that I didn't think would relate. Like if there's three stories, A, B and C. Never thought C related to A, but somehow, you know, they have more in common than B does, even though B was more closely related, like, closely in the timeline of events. And I've just. I don't know, my mind is just like in a completely different space. And I like. I don't. I don't seek comfort in the sense that, like, I like when people get a cushy job or when people, you know, find the things that just make their life go on autopilot. That seems to be what makes me uncomfortable. And I have, it's has like the adverse effect. So I like how much this has challenged me. I like how much this makes me think. I, like, am craving these, these therapy sessions. I'm like, want to continue to do this. It truly is one of the most exciting things I've taken I on in quite a while. I would say certainly this year in terms of, like, what huge moments in my life starting this show, which in itself was a risk that my therapist doesn't even know that I do. He has no idea. And then second would be the therapy. There's a few other things don't need to talk about, but certainly two of the biggest moments are two of the biggest things I've taken on thus far this year, both with, you know, a healthy amount of fear and excitement just to see taking risks as, as, as one should. I think it's healthy to take risks. If you fall, if you fall flat, so be it, but you don't really get to see what you're capable of or challenge yourself if you don't take a. Just take a small leap. Not everything has to be the craziest thing. I'm not saying start a fucking podcast and become like a talking head, but whatever that is within your world, try it. Why not? Just don't film it. Don't do this. Just don't. Whatever you're trying, don't film it. You can. And if you fail, fail in peace. And if you don't, keep doing it and keep pushing yourself. Keep pressing yourself. Try to do that right now in the gym. Man, it's hard to lift weights these days. I. I do it. I'm still doing it, but it's just like, I can't take off the time that I used to be able to just, like, snap back, and now it's just like I'm benching and I. I feel it. I hurt. Like, it just. It's. It's not. It's not hitting the same. I'm. I'm not. Need to take some hgh. You need to get on that Rogan program. I need to. I need to get that right wing workout plan, you know, if only. Who I have to sell my soul to for that one. Who's. I think Theo Vaughn is, like, kind of taking the thing. He's like a more, like, approachable, less threatening Joe Rogan. I don't know what I'm trying. Like, he has, like, his whole public facade of just being like this. Oh, wow, really like the dumb guy. I think it plays well publicly and people don't see him as. As serious as he should be taken. I like Theo, though. I like his show. I'm not trying to talk down on Theo at all. He's a great comedian. Yeah. So therapy is going, and I am now. Like most things in my life, when there's a change, I lean into music to find songs that relate directly to the changes that I'm experiencing in my life. And in doing so, this is how random my mind works. In doing so, I rediscovered the 2009 Kings of Leon album Only. Only by the Night. Only be the Night. I forgot the name of the album. There's one track, and in particular, it's called a Revelry. God, I love this song. So this song covers the lead singer. It's like it's a journey about him basically ruining a healthy relationship. He keeps failing in these relationships, admitting that the breakup is his fault, and he. It's because he's partying too hard and he is seemingly for the first time, realizes that he made a mistake, and he falls into a deep depression because of the mistake he made by letting this relationship go. And he's learning that this cycle, this cycle of revelry, which is like, you know, the partying, constant drinking and chasing and drugs and chasing that high, chasing the dragon may. Although he's currently tethered to that, he's realizing that's not the relationship in which he should be giving his focus to or the cycle that he should be falling back into. It's actually the very thing that has left him broken and downtrodden. And I did. I do have the lyrics here and I want to read a couple of them. Let's just start from the top, actually. So verse one. What a night for a dance. You know, I'm a dancing machine with a fire in my bones and the sweat and the sweet taste of kerosene. So dancing night out, having a good time. Nothing too. We get it. He's setting the tone here. He's a partier. The guy likes to have fun. I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down to face the loss of the good thing that I found. Boom, right into it. So I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down. He's had. This is it. Like, this is. This is what I do it for. This is my euphoric state. I'm at the top of the mountain, it's two in the morning. The damn club closes in a couple hours. But God, man, I'm living it right now. The drugs are hitting every. The lights are flashing, the music's great, everything's peaking. I feel amazing. But I don't want to face the loss of the good thing that I found. Now we're realizing there's another side of it. There's another side of the coin. We go into the first bridge, The Woohoo. Verse 2 comes around. In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name with the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain. So the beginning, it could be interpreted in many different ways. In the dark and I can hear you call. You could. You could assume that in the dark of the night I could hear you call my name as if they're having, you know, intercourse and she's saying his name while they're hooking up, you know, so they're doing something passionate. But in the back of his mind with the hardest of hearts I feel. I still feel full of pain. He's not. He's focused on something else. Even though he's having sex and he's doing something intimate, his mind is elsewhere. Which is kind of answered by the second coupling of lines. So I drink and I smoke and I ask if you're ever around. Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground. So here we go. Boom. Back on the cycle. He's drowning himself in cigarettes, alcohol, and even though it was the him, it was his fault that that relationship ended. He. He still is like, yo come but like come back. Like I, it's my bad dog. Like I'm sorry I messed up, but please like come back. And here comes the chorus. See the time we shared it was precious to me but all the while I was dreaming a revelry. Here it is. He admits his faults. I loved every single time we had together. You're amazing. Da da da. That whole spiel but revelry, the streets, the drugs, the party, the alcohol, the scene. I've built up such a addiction to that high that I will self sabotage this relationship to go back down the path of living in that broken cycle. Which is makes perfect sense because guess where we pick off in verse two. Born to run baby, run like a stream down a mountainside with the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye he's got to be free all he wants to do just go, we got. That's such a beautiful imagery. Run baby, run like the stream down a mountain side we're just picturing him running downhill like water flowing down a river down a mountainside Wind in my back, he's even got the wind, a nice headwind it's just everything is going. He doesn't even bat an eye. He's just hyper focused on this high. He keeps running, he's chasing himself. Just know it was you all along who had a hold in my heart. But the demon and me were best friends from the start. That is my. That's my favorite line, the last line there. So he says, just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart. So he's saying, look, like I this girl in the story here, I love you, you have my heart. Like, there's no question that I love you. But the demon in me had a hold of me from the start. This is. I had issues prior to this relationship and guess what? Those issues, I haven't worked on those issues. I've never addressed those issues. They've come to a head. In fact, they've actually where in the past they may have Never come to a head. They've come to a head more so now because I've met you, someone that I truly care about. And now because of that, I'm seeing how much damage has been done to me internally because I've been avoiding this very situation of relationship because I've been chasing that revelry. It's so like. Oh, there's such like a beautiful fucked up. It's like a Shakespearean story. Here we go back in the chorus. So the time we shared was precious to me all the while I was dreaming of revelry and then here we go. By the way, love the drums, the bass line, the hook here. It's a beautiful song. So we have the final bridge and I told myself, boy, away you go. It rained so hard that it felt like snow Everything came tumbling down on me in the back of the woods in the dark of the night Paleness of the moonlight Everything just felt so incomplete Dreaming of revelry he thought he basically it's. He knows he's no good. He never should have been with her from the start. It sounds like the. It rained so hard it felt. It sounds like this is. He's crying at this point and whatever void or whatever hole he was filling in this relationship, he was just kind of suppressing and filling back up with alcohol. And then boom. Like the cycle begets itself.