Something You Should Know – Episode: A Smart Guide to Friendships & English Tips From A Master Grammarian

In this enlightening episode of Something You Should Know, host Mike Carruthers delves into two pivotal aspects of daily life: cultivating meaningful friendships and navigating the complexities of the English language. Featuring expert insights from psychologist Dr. Marissa Franco and grammar authority Ellen Jovan, this episode equips listeners with practical strategies to enhance their personal connections and refine their language skills.

1. Mastering Email Management

[00:00 - 05:00]

Mike Carruthers kicks off the episode by addressing a common modern dilemma: email overload. Drawing from Caitlin Sherwood's book, Overcome the Email Overload, he outlines six actionable rules to reduce inbox clutter:

• No Reply Needed: When sending emails, explicitly state that no response is required to prevent unnecessary replies.

• Conclusive Statements: End requests with phrases like "hope this helped" to avoid the endless exchange of "thanks" and "you're welcome."

• Use FYI in Subject Lines: Clarify that the email is for informational purposes, reducing the need for a reply.

• Avoid Leading Questions: Steer clear of statements that end with questions, such as "Peter and Laura did a great job, didn't they?" to prevent obligatory responses.

• Limit Unnecessary Replies: When CC'd, respond only to the sender to minimize inbox traffic.

• Eliminate Redundant Communication: Address only the intended recipients to keep emails concise and relevant.

These strategies not only streamline communication but also free up valuable time for more meaningful interactions.

2. The Science of Friendship with Dr. Marissa Franco

[05:43 - 28:05]

Dr. Marissa Franco, a renowned psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Make and Keep Friends, joins Mike to explore the intricate world of friendships.

The Importance of Friendships

[05:52 - 06:25]

Mike highlights the profound impact of friendships on mental health, citing research that equates loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. He emphasizes that human connection is as vital as basic needs like food and water for our well-being.

Notable Quote:

"Research finds that loneliness is as toxic as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and that our level of connection actually predicts how long we live, even more so than our diet and our exercise."
— Mike Carruthers [05:52]

Friendships Over Time

[06:25 - 07:26]

Franco discusses the natural ebb and flow of friendships, noting that approximately half of our friends fade away every seven years. Additionally, she reveals that about half of our supposed friends don’t reciprocate the friendship, underscoring the importance of mutual investment in relationships.

Key Insights:

• Loneliness Alters Perception: Loneliness can lead to negative self-perception and reduced trust in others, creating a self-sustaining cycle of isolation.
• Interventions Focus on Thought Patterns: Effective strategies to combat loneliness involve reshaping negative thought patterns rather than merely increasing social interactions.

Notable Quote:

"The most successful interventions against loneliness are not the ones that have focused on connecting people with others, but actually on changing people's maladaptive thought patterns that are triggered when they're lonely."
— Mike Carruthers [07:26]

Making Friends as an Adult

[08:06 - 15:39]

Contrary to the ease of forming friendships in childhood, adults often struggle due to lack of conducive environments and heightened fear of rejection. Franco explains that adults miss out on the continuous, unplanned interactions that naturally foster friendships during youth.

Strategies for Adults:

• Build Social Infrastructure: Engage in regular activities like improv clubs or language groups to create opportunities for natural interactions.

• Overcome Rejection Sensitivity: Understand that fears of rejection are often unfounded, as most people are more open to connections than we anticipate.

Notable Quote:

"One of my biggest tips for making friends as an adult is to assume people like you so you'll actually initiate with people."
— Mike Carruthers [10:27]

Deepening Friendships Through Vulnerability

[15:39 - 22:07]

Franco emphasizes the role of vulnerability in transforming acquaintances into deep, lasting friendships. Sharing personal struggles and expressing genuine appreciation fosters trust and solidifies connections.

Key Points:

• Affection Matters: Compliments and expressions of appreciation reinforce the likelihood of reciprocal friendship.

• Risk Regulation Theory: People invest more in relationships where they feel secure from rejection, enhancing friendship longevity.

Notable Quote:

"When we share affection with someone, we tell people, hey, you're not going to get rejected. And remember how I said fear of rejection is one of the biggest barriers to friendship?"
— Mike Carruthers [19:30]

The Lifespan and Dynamics of Friendships

[22:07 - 24:42]

Discussing the transient nature of friendships, Franco notes that it’s normal to outgrow some relationships. The resilience of a friendship often correlates with how long it has already lasted. Additionally, she examines the impact of social media, highlighting that its effect on loneliness depends on its usage—facilitating real connections versus replacing face-to-face interactions.

Notable Quote:

"Social media has been a net negative for our connections because in 2012, with the rise of smartphones, there was a stark increase in loneliness, especially among young adults."
— Mike Carruthers [24:40]

Embracing Rejection and Curating Friendships

[26:27 - 28:05]

Franco encourages listeners to view rejection not as a setback but as a natural part of curating a meaningful social network. Initiating connections, even when met with rejection, is portrayed as a success in building a life aligned with one’s values.

Notable Quote:

"If you're building the skill of initiating, if you're putting yourself out there, if you're living up to your values, I see it as a success, even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for."
— Mike Carruthers [26:56]

3. Navigating English Language Complexities with Ellen Jovan

[30:10 - 49:52]

Ellen Jovan, a grammar expert and author of Rebel Without a Tale and Tips from a Roving Grammarian, provides clarity on some of the most perplexing aspects of the English language.

Why is English So Complicated?

[31:05 - 31:23]

Jovan attributes English’s complexity to its global nature, encompassing diverse dialects and regional variations that often operate in isolation from one another.

Notable Quote:

"English is more than one language. American English is different than British English in many ways."
— Ellen Jovan [31:05]

Commonly Confused Words

a. Further vs. Farther

[31:23 - 32:41]

Jovan explains that while “farther” typically refers to physical distance, “further” can denote both physical and metaphorical distances. However, usage often overlaps, and strict adherence is less critical in everyday conversation.

b. Lie vs. Lay

[32:41 - 33:50]

The distinction between “lie” (to recline) and “lay” (to place something down) is elucidated, with Jovan acknowledging that many native speakers find this confusing and often use them interchangeably.

Notable Quote:

"Even very sophisticated people often can't remember the difference between 'lie down' and 'lay down'."
— Ellen Jovan [32:49]

Responding to "How Are You?"

[33:50 - 35:06]

Jovan discusses the nuanced differences between replying “I’m good” versus “I’m well,” underscoring that while traditionally “well” refers to health status, modern usage has blurred these lines.

Notable Quote:

"I'm doing well or I'm fine, thanks, how are you? So I kind of avoid the different, choosing between those."
— Ellen Jovan [34:10]

Punctuation Puzzles

a. Semicolons and Colons

[35:19 - 37:33]

Jovan demystifies the semicolon, describing it as a softer pause than a period, suitable for linking related independent clauses. She contrasts this with the colon, which typically introduces lists or dramatic statements.

Notable Quote:

"Semicolons create a quiet suspense and bridge related ideas without the stark separation of a period."
— Ellen Jovan [35:19]

b. Apostrophes in Possessives

[37:45 - 39:02]

Clarifying the use of apostrophes, Jovan differentiates between possessive pronouns (e.g., “its”) that do not require apostrophes and contractions (e.g., “it’s” for “it is”).

Notable Quote:

"Its tail was wagging. No apostrophe needed. But it's raining."
— Ellen Jovan [37:45]

Prepositions and Sentence Structure

[40:12 - 41:41]

Addressing the myth that sentences should not end with prepositions, Jovan encourages embracing natural language flow over rigid grammatical rules learned in childhood.

Notable Quote:

"You should get rid of that superstition from your childhood English classes and move along with the language as it evolves."
— Ellen Jovan [40:12]

Collective Nouns and Subject-Verb Agreement

[41:59 - 43:42]

Jovan explores the challenges posed by collective nouns like “couple,” which, despite being singular in form, often take plural verbs in practice.

Notable Quote:

"There is a schism between the singular form of 'couple' and how we treat it in sentences. In the UK, for instance, it's more common to use plural verbs with collective nouns."
— Ellen Jovan [41:59]

The Oxford Comma Debate

[47:42 - 48:32]

Jovan discusses the contentious use of the Oxford comma, explaining that while it can clarify complex lists, its usage is often a matter of stylistic preference rather than strict grammar rules.

Notable Quote:

"It's not wrong to leave the comma out or to include it. It depends on the complexity of the list."
— Ellen Jovan [47:42]

Affect vs. Effect

[48:42 - 49:21]

Finally, Jovan clarifies the distinction between “affect” (a verb meaning to influence) and “effect” (a noun meaning the result), which remains a common source of confusion among English speakers.

Notable Quote:

"Your behavior affects me. Your behavior has an effect on me."
— Ellen Jovan [48:42]

4. Fun Fact: The Power of Chewing

[49:52 - 51:26]

Closing the episode on an intriguing note, Mike shares a study by Dr. Chiron Wang, revealing that the average lean person chews 21 times per bite compared to 17 times for the average obese person. Increased chewing releases hormones that signal satiety, helping to curb appetite and potentially aid in weight management.

Conclusion

This episode of Something You Should Know seamlessly intertwines the art of maintaining fulfilling friendships with the intricacies of the English language. By leveraging expert advice and scientific research, Mike Carruthers provides listeners with valuable tools to enhance their personal and professional lives. Whether you're looking to deepen your social connections or refine your communication skills, this episode serves as a comprehensive guide to making informed and impactful changes.

Notable Quotes:

"Making friends feels like a risk, and it is a risk. Intimacy is a risk. We might be rejected, but it's actually far less likely, it's far less risky than we think it is."
— Mike Carruthers [25:13]

"Understanding that friendship does not happen organically anymore is key for adults trying to make meaningful connections."
— Marissa Franco [15:39]

"English is an adventure, and that's what keeps it exciting."
— Ellen Jovan [44:23]

For more insights and practical advice, tune into future episodes of Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.