Podcast Summary: "How to Find True Love & Why Some People Pursue Impossible Goals"

Podcast: Something You Should Know
Host: Mike Carruthers
Guests: Paul Eastwick (Psychologist, UC Davis); Mark Medley (Journalist/Author)
Date: February 12, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of "Something You Should Know" features a deep dive into two fascinating subjects: what actually works when it comes to finding true love, including the strengths and pitfalls of online dating, and an exploration into the lives of those who pursue goals they're unlikely to achieve in their lifetimes. Host Mike Carruthers interweaves expert interviews with practical, research-backed insights and memorable human stories.

Segment 1: Finding True Love – Science, Misconceptions & the Trouble with Apps

Guest: Paul Eastwick, Psychologist, UC Davis
[Timestamps: 02:41–27:25]

Key Discussion Points

Romantic Attraction: Beyond First Impressions

• Misconceptions about Relationships

  • The "dating market" metaphor is limited; it mostly applies to strangers (05:30).

  • Relationships historically formed in small, close-knit groups, not in wide-open competitive markets.

    "We underappreciate the extent to which market dynamics poorly explain how people form relationships, especially among groups of people who have known each other for a while." – Paul Eastwick (05:48)

• How Relationships Succeed

  • A relationship’s origin—how people meet—is less important than what they build together (07:01).
  • Initial attractiveness, confidence, and charm can predict early popularity but not long-term compatibility or relationship quality (09:10).

Vulnerability: The Secret to Connection

• Early vulnerability and openness are potent for building genuine attraction (09:50).

• Suggests asking more meaningful, personal questions on early dates to foster real connection.

  "The single best thing I could recommend...is to be more open and a little bit more vulnerable than you might assume." – Paul Eastwick (09:30)

The Power of Groups & Friend Networks

• Meeting people in socially rich, mixed-gender groups remains highly effective (12:41).

• Deepening friend networks (friends of friends) often leads to successful pairings, and the group format reduces pressure.

  "When you look at who is more likely to form relationships over a period of months or years...the folks with richer networks of mixed-gender friends." – Paul Eastwick (13:19)

Challenges of Online Dating

• Apps focus users on surface traits—physical attractiveness—limiting the potential for deeper compatibility (11:12).

• People “bail” quickly on potential partners after minor red flags, leading to demoralization and lack of opportunity for connections to form (20:19).

• Apps encourage over-optimization (“draw up the perfect partner on paper”), narrowing options and inflating expectations.

  "By giving people the ability to bail early on potential partners, you really remove the possibility of compatibility forming." – Paul Eastwick (20:19) "It's too easy to bail on somebody. We've lost the art of getting to know people over time." – Paul Eastwick (21:58)

Red Flags vs. Forgivable Flaws

• Motivated reasoning—downplaying partners’ flaws—is necessary for relationship survival, but it makes distinguishing real red flags challenging (23:01).
• “Proactive aggression” is cited as a non-negotiable red flag.
• Science can't always clarify which flaws will doom a relationship (24:00).

Practical Advice for Daters

• Don’t abandon apps, but don’t rely solely on them.

• Focus on rebuilding social networks and interacting in group/social contexts without an explicit agenda.

• The best connections often come through shared activities and mutual acquaintances.

  "Imagine what it would be like to just form connections with other people—even without the romantic pretense...Where am I going to hang out with some people again...help my social networks to grow and shift and change?" – Paul Eastwick (25:11)

Segment 2: Pursuing Impossible Goals – Stories of Perseverance & Purpose

Guest: Mark Medley, Journalist and Author
[Timestamps: 29:59–50:00]

Key Discussion Points

Who Pursues the Impossible, and Why?

• Profiles individuals who work toward goals they don’t expect to see achieved: SETI researchers, wildlife photographers chasing legendary animals, planetary defense specialists, activists trying to end poverty.

• Common features: immense patience, perseverance, and joy in the process rather than the destination (32:09).

  "You have to enjoy the run if you know you're not going to hit the finish line. These are people who are more interested in the journey rather than the destination." – Mark Medley (32:31)

Case Studies

• Jeremy Holden:

  • British photographer searching for the Orang Pendek (Sumatra’s “Bigfoot”) for decades (32:45).

  • Acknowledges unlikelihood of success, but the pursuit gave meaning and adventure to his life (35:00).

    "He's going to be somebody whose gravestone reads, 'Here lies the man who failed at his life's quest.' And yet that failure has given him an incredible life." – Mark Medley (35:17)

• SETI Scientists:

  • Searching for intelligent life with little to no direct evidence.

  • Driven by fundamental questions about existence, driven to keep the search alive for future generations.

    "They know they are starting the hunt even if they're the ones who don't finish it. It's like a relay race—they have the baton right now and they're going to hand it off..." – Mark Medley (40:21)

• Bonnie Morton:

  • Lifelong anti-poverty advocate who worked locally, aware she “wouldn’t end poverty” but committed to helping others and believing in a better future (43:24).

    "The situation now for the poor in her city is worse than when she started...and yet, up until the point where she retired, she continued to do that. And I find something beautiful about that." – Mark Medley (45:24)

The Deeper Motivation: Belief in the Future

• All subjects share implicit faith in the value of "passing the baton"—working for people and outcomes they’ll never see (45:57).

• It’s a form of optimism; believing there will be a future and that their efforts matter in the long term.

  "If you are spending your life towards a goal that you know isn't going to happen while you're still living...it suggests you believe in a world after you're gone." – Mark Medley (45:57)

Personal Reflection

• Medley admits he couldn’t personally pursue such long-term, open-ended quests, making these stories especially compelling (48:32).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “When you initially meet somebody...all the things that we can assess at the beginning ultimately have very little predictive power later on.” – Paul Eastwick (07:32)
• “Compatibility is a scientific concept...it allows people to find and even generate compatibility with other people.” – Paul Eastwick (11:01)
• “If you interact with somebody a thousand times, your one thousand and first impression is not going to be all that different than your thousandth impression. But your second impression can differ quite a bit from your first.” – Paul Eastwick (20:34)
• "They have optimism, they have perseverance, they have patience. It's not that I'm a pessimist and I'm impatient, but they have it in spades..." – Mark Medley (48:56)

Additional Practical Intel

[Quick Tip: 50:05]

• Regularly clean your phone screen and use headphones to reduce skin breakouts from bacteria transferred from phone to face.

Episode Structure & Timestamps

• 00:33 Introduction of topics
• 02:41 Interview with Paul Eastwick (love & relationships; online dating; group dynamics)
• 27:25 End of relationship segment
• 29:59 Interview with Mark Medley (impossible goals; perseverance)
• 50:05 Quick health tip
• 51:30 Promotional material (end of content)

Key Takeaways

Finding True Love:

• Focus less on initial chemistry and more on long-term compatibility, vulnerability, and the value of your extended social network.
• Online dating is a tool, not a panacea—combine it with real-world social interactions for better outcomes.

Pursuing Impossible Goals:

• The most inspiring dreamers are defined by their passion for the journey, not just the destination.
• Their efforts reveal a profound optimism about humanity’s future—and a lesson: sometimes it’s worth working for something that transcends our own lifetimes.

For more, check out Paul Eastwick’s Bonded: The New Science of Love and Connection and Mark Medley’s Live to See the Impossible Goals, Unimaginable Futures, and the Pursuit of Things that May Never Be.