Podcast Summary: Something You Should Know

Episode Title: How to Truly Know People & The Science Behind the Human/Dog Bond
Host: Mike Carruthers
Released: December 13, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Mike Carruthers explores two central themes:

1. How to Genuinely Know and Connect With Others – featuring an in-depth conversation with New York Times columnist and author David Brooks on building deep relationships, understanding loneliness, and reviving “human skills” for connection.
2. The Science of the Human/Dog Relationship – a conversation with Jen Golbeck, scientist, author, and dog rescuer, highlighting the origins, science, and everyday meaning of the bond between people and dogs.

Part 1: How to Genuinely Know and See Others

Guest: David Brooks, author of How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

The Epidemic of Not Knowing

• Key Insight: Modern society is facing a "terrible breakdown in relationships." More people report loneliness and lack of connection than ever before.
• Stats:
  • 36% say they're lonely most of the time; the number of people with no close friends has quadrupled in 20 years.
  • Happiness scores ranking “lowest” have increased by 50%.
    (06:06–06:52)
• Root Causes:
  • Rise of technology and social media (partly to blame)
  • Greater societal diversity and weaker “social skills” education
  • Institutions no longer teach essential connection skills

“There are some people who are diminishers, who make you feel small…And then some people who are illuminators. They have a curiosity about people.”
– David Brooks (09:07)

The Skills We’re Missing

• Connection Skills Not Taught:
  • How to be a great conversationalist, forgiveness, graceful endings, comforting the suffering (01:51–02:02; 07:01–07:56)
• Once Modeled, Not Explicitly Taught:
  • Social skills were modeled in family, youth organizations, churches, but not formal coursework (08:04–08:58)

Becoming an “Illuminator”

• How to Have Great Conversations:
  • Be a “loud listener”—show you’re actively engaged
  • Don’t be a “topper” (don’t pivot to yourself)
  • Find the “gem statement”—what you agree on beneath surface disagreement (09:07–10:36)
• The Power of Questions:
  • Most people underestimate how much enjoyment and depth comes from connecting, especially with strangers
  • Only about 30% of people are “question askers;” most people are “self-centered by default” (11:03–12:58)

“[Even] at parties...nobody asked me a question. I’ve come to believe that 30% of people are question askers…the other 70%...just aren’t.”
– David Brooks (12:32)

Why People Avoid Connection

• Self-Protection:
  • People underestimate how much strangers want to talk; default is isolation
• Distrust and Perception:
  • Loneliness creates a view that the world is more dangerous, reinforcing withdrawal (26:05–26:58)
• Managers & Workplaces:
  • No recognition is often the #1 reason people quit—not money (13:37–15:21)

“My manager didn’t recognize me… So there was a case where people are thrown together in a workplace and the manager is doing a lousy job of showing the other person that they are seen, respected, and heard.”
– David Brooks (14:20)

Building Connection – Practical Advice

How to Start a Conversation:

• Ask about where someone grew up, where their name comes from, or fun, unimportant facts about themselves
• Make conversations “storytelling conversations”—go beyond small talk, share stories (27:02–28:58)

Questions to Deepen Relationships:

• “What crossroads are you at?”
• “If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what’s this chapter about?”
• “How do your ancestors show up in your life?” (23:57–25:34)

Tiny Moments Matter:

• Even small, fleeting moments of warmth (at stores, etc.) affect how welcomed or alienated people feel (22:52–23:57)

Memorable Quotes & Timestamps

• [09:07] “You know, the most elemental skill is just the skill of conversation. How do you become a really great conversationalist?”
• [14:20] “My manager didn’t recognize me. They felt unseen at work and not respected enough.”
• [23:57] “If somebody is rude to me in a store, I feel it, it leaves a mark. The world seems a little unfriendly and if somebody is warm to you in a store or just even listens to you on the bus, you think, wow, that guy was a pretty good listener.”
• [26:05] “One of the things loneliness does is it warps your perception of the world. So you see the world that’s more dangerous.”

Part 2: The Science of the Human/Dog Bond

Guest: Jen Golbeck, author of The Purest Bond: Understanding the Human Canine Connection

The History and Science of the Bond

• Dogs as Family:
  • Dogs have been companion animals with humans for millennia, evolving from mere “helpers” to full-fledged family members. (34:01–36:28)
  • In ancient Rome, pet cemeteries show dogs were honored like people.
• Dogs Meet Human Deep Needs:
  • Research shows dogs give us social support, buffering isolation and improving mental, emotional, and physical health (34:01–35:54)
  • The more isolated the person, the greater the support dogs provide.

“Dogs provide this social support to us the same way people do... and in fact, the more isolated we might be, the more dogs help.”
– Jen Golbeck (34:32)

Modern Dogs and Anthropomorphism

• Trend: More people treat dogs as true family members; pet industry and attachment rates are at historic highs (36:22–36:28)
• Risk: Anthropomorphizing dogs can be problematic, since their emotional life is different—but science shows there is real attachment both ways (36:38–38:42)

Scientific Evidence:

• fMRI studies show dogs’ brains light up for their humans like infants for mothers—evidence of deep, neurological bonding.

The Benefits—Physical and Emotional

• Physical:
  • Owning a dog gets people outside, walking. People with dogs walk more even when not with their dogs (39:56–41:00)
• Mental/Emotional:
  • Provides comfort/confidant role; people confide in dogs things they wouldn’t tell people
  • Helps establish healthier habits for both owner and dog
  • Dogs’ enthusiasm and non-judgmental presence are powerful mood boosters (39:56–41:00)

“Dogs are nonjudgmental. They're always there for us. People confide in their dogs all the time. They tell dogs secrets that they wouldn't tell other people.”
– Jen Golbeck (41:09)

Choosing and Living with Dogs

• Picking the Right Dog:
  • People often choose based on appearance or cultural image, but should carefully consider lifestyle, energy levels, size, and available time before choosing a breed (42:12–44:13)
• Matching Lifestyles:
  • Mismatches often lead to dogs being surrendered to shelters; puppies become problematic adult dogs if their needs are unmet.

Dog Health—Weight and Habits

• Obesity Epidemic:
  • Many dogs are overweight, often mirroring their owners’ habits.
  • Studies show owner-dog pairs lose more weight together than alone (44:22–46:16)

Multi-Dog Dynamics

• Pack Structure:
  • Two dogs often easier than one (they entertain each other). Hierarchies (“alpha dog”) are mostly a myth in home settings.
  • Social relationships between dogs (and with people) are complex, family-like. (46:41–48:45)

Dog Trainability & Breed Choices

• All Dogs are Trainable (to a Point):
  • Most training issues lie with owners, not dogs. “No dog is untrainable,” but some are cheerfully stubborn.
• Purebred vs. Mixed:
  • Mixed-breed dogs often healthier, with fewer genetic problems. Personal preference for temperament is a factor, but “breedist” love for goldens comes with health tradeoffs (51:01–52:04)

Grief and the Downside

• Grieving a Dog:
  • Grief for a deceased pet is profound, often disenfranchised by society (not socially recognized).
  • Average period is 6–12 months; can be as intense as losing a family member.
  • “I have really started to treat the pain of that grief...as something that I am grateful for. Even though it’s not at all fun to go through, it really reflects how important that relationship with the dog was.” (52:53–54:28)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• [34:32] “Dogs provide this social support to us the same way people do...and in fact, the more isolated we might be, the more dogs help.” – Jen Golbeck
• [38:42] “On a biological level, we both – dogs and humans – respond to each other in ways that are very similar to how family members do.”
• [41:09] “Dogs are nonjudgmental. They're always there for us. People confide in their dogs all the time. They tell dogs secrets that they wouldn't tell other people.”
• [52:53] “The average grieving process for a dog is six to 12 months…We feel that loss as much as we feel the loss of the closest family members in our lives.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment & Topic | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 05:53 | What does it mean to “see others deeply”? (David Brooks) | | 06:06–06:52| Rising loneliness, disconnection stats | | 07:01–07:56| Why are connection skills missing? | | 09:07 | Diminishers vs. Illuminators; basics of good conversation | | 13:37–15:21| Consequences of not recognizing people (workplace, life) | | 22:52–23:57| The impact of tiny moments of connection | | 27:02–28:58| How to start conversations, example questions | | 34:01–36:28| History & science of human-dog bond (Jen Golbeck) | | 39:56–41:09| Health benefits and emotional support from dogs | | 42:12–44:13| How to choose the right dog | | 44:22–46:16| Obesity and dog/human weight connection | | 52:53–54:28| Grieving the loss of a dog |

Tone & Style

The episode is smart, empathetic, and practical. Mike facilitates friendly, thoughtful discussions, never preachy – David Brooks offers reflective, sometimes humorous, always insightful commentary, while Jen Golbeck brings a warm, evidence-based voice to her subject, connecting scientific research with everyday pet owner experience.

Final Takeaways

• Practice asking better questions, recognize and “see” others – even in minor interactions. The skills are learnable.
• Dog-human bonds are rooted in evolutionary, neurological, and emotional realities – dogs really are (biologically) family.
• Choosing, training, and living well with a dog requires honest self-assessment, but the rewards – connection, health, joy – are profound.
• Loss and grief after a dog’s death are deep and real; allow yourself to mourn fully as you would a loved one.

Relevant Links:

• How to Know a Person by David Brooks
• The Purest Bond: Understanding the Human Canine Connection by Jen Golbeck

This summary covers the core discussions and insights in the episode, skipping all advertisements and non-content segments. For more, listen to the full conversation at your podcast provider of choice.