Podcast Summary: "Seen, Heard, Valued: The Magic of Validation & Pronouns Are Weird! Here’s Why"

Something You Should Know
Host: Mike Carruthers | OmniCast Media
Release Date: April 7, 2025

Introduction

In this enlightening episode of Something You Should Know, host Mike Carruthers delves into two intricate yet profoundly impactful subjects: the profound role of validation in our personal relationships and the quirky complexities of English pronouns. By inviting experts Caroline Fleck and John McWhorter, Mike unpacks these topics with depth and clarity, offering listeners valuable insights to enhance their interpersonal connections and linguistic understanding.

The New Science of Validation

Guest: Caroline Fleck, Licensed Psychologist, Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University, Author of How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence and Change Your Life.

Understanding Validation

Caroline Fleck opens the discussion by defining validation as the act of acknowledging and accepting another person's experiences without necessarily agreeing with them. She emphasizes its critical role in fostering deep, trusting relationships.

"[00:42] Caroline Fleck: Validation is the single most important quality of any relationship. It is as important as love. It is as central as empathy."

Validation vs. Agreement

Mike probes whether one can validate someone they dislike or disagree with. Caroline asserts that validation is especially crucial in such scenarios, as it demonstrates engagement and nonjudgment, laying the groundwork for meaningful dialogue.

"[07:18] Caroline Fleck: Validation forces us to do the opposite [of our negativity bias]. It forces us to find and speak to the validity."

Real-World Applications

Caroline shares a poignant personal story about her relationship with her daughter following her breast cancer diagnosis. Initially, her attempt to assert continuity amid her physical changes inadvertently invalidated her daughter's feelings. This experience underscored the power of validation in healing and rebuilding connections.

"[12:24] Caroline Fleck: ... what I needed to do was circle back around with her the next night... I know this has been really, really painful for you..."

Practical Examples of Validation

To illustrate validation in everyday life, Caroline provides examples such as affirming someone's decision to seek a second opinion, thereby validating their feelings without endorsing their specific viewpoint.

"[09:15] Caroline Fleck: ... saying, 'Yeah, anyone in your shoes would doubt that...' That's validating."

The Psychological Impact

Validation acts as a natural sedative, reducing physiological arousal and allowing individuals to process emotions more effectively. This calming effect enhances cognitive functions like memory and comprehension, facilitating better communication.

"[20:44] Caroline Fleck: Validation is almost like a natural sedative. It functions to decrease physiological arousal."

Overcoming Barriers to Validation

Caroline acknowledges the innate negativity bias that often impedes validation. She encourages intentional practice, such as simply attending to someone's feelings or mirroring their statements, to cultivate a more validating presence in interactions.

"[24:43] Caroline Fleck: ... you can just attend, you can just copy, which is exactly what it sounds like."

The Quirky World of English Pronouns

Guest: John McWhorter, Professor of Linguistics, American Studies, and Music History at Columbia University, Host of Lexicon Valley, Author of Pronoun: The Story of Us in Seven Little Words.

The Complexity of Pronouns

John McWhorter explores the intricate nature of English pronouns, highlighting their evolution and the challenges they present compared to pronouns in other languages.

"[32:09] Mike Carruthers: So I get that you're a word guy, a language guy. But why pronouns?"

Historical Perspective

John provides a historical overview, revealing that Old English had a more complex pronoun system, distinguishing between singular and plural forms, which has since been simplified in Modern English.

"[32:57] John McWhorter: [...] Old English had words like 'thou' for singular and 'yeet' for dual forms."

Subject vs. Object Pronouns

A major point of discussion is the misconception stemming from Latin-based grammar rules that have incorrectly influenced English pronoun usage. John clarifies that phrases like "Billy and me went to the store" were historically acceptable in English, debunking the rigid subject-object separation taught in modern grammar.

"[35:22] John McWhorter: [...] It's always been a myth that English has subject and object pronouns in that way that Latin does."

The Singular "They"

John delves into the nuances of the singular "they," tracing its usage back to authors like Chaucer and highlighting its practicality in modern language despite lingering confusion.

"[43:04] Caroline Fleck: [...] when you knock on the door, you can say it is I, but you don't. You say it's me."

Pronoun Consistency Across Languages

Contrasting English with languages like French and Spanish, John points out how other languages maintain distinct pronouns for singular and plural forms, eliminating the ambiguity that English pronouns often create.

"[34:02] John McWhorter: [...] languages like French have 'tu' for singular and 'vous' for plural or polite forms."

Evolution and Resistance

While languages continuously evolve, pronouns are notably resistant to change due to their foundational role in communication. John discusses how attempts to alter pronoun usage in English often clash with ingrained linguistic habits.

"[46:25] Mike Carruthers: [...] pronouns seem to be, with few exceptions, pretty rock solid."

Gender-Neutral Pronouns

The conversation touches on the emergence of gender-neutral pronouns beyond the singular "they," though John notes their limited adoption and the complexities involved in integrating new pronouns into everyday language.

"[44:35] Mike Carruthers: Gender neutral one, the pronoun we."

Conclusion

This episode of Something You Should Know masterfully intertwines the psychological significance of validation with the linguistic peculiarities of English pronouns. Caroline Fleck and John McWhorter provide listeners with actionable insights and a deeper appreciation for both interpersonal dynamics and language structure. Whether seeking to enhance personal relationships through validation or simply curious about the oddities of pronouns, this episode offers valuable knowledge to enrich everyday life.

Notable Quotes

• Caroline Fleck [00:42]: "Validation is the single most important quality of any relationship. It is as important as love. It is as central as empathy."

• Caroline Fleck [07:18]: "Validation forces us to do the opposite. It forces us to find and speak to the validity."

• Caroline Fleck [12:24]: "... what I needed to do was circle back around with her the next night... I know this has been really, really painful for you..."

• Caroline Fleck [09:15]: "... saying, 'Yeah, anyone in your shoes would doubt that...' That's validating."

• Caroline Fleck [20:44]: "Validation is almost like a natural sedative. It functions to decrease physiological arousal."

• John McWhorter [32:57]: "Old English had words like 'thou' for singular and 'yeet' for dual forms."

• John McWhorter [35:22]: "It's always been a myth that English has subject and object pronouns in that way that Latin does."

• John McWhorter [34:02]: "... languages like French have 'tu' for singular and 'vous' for plural or polite forms."

• Caroline Fleck [24:43]: "... you can just attend, you can just copy, which is exactly what it sounds like."

Explore more episodes of Something You Should Know for fascinating insights and practical advice from experts across various fields.