SYSK TRENDING - The Power of Validation

Summary

Podcast Summary

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Overview

Episode: SYSK TRENDING - The Power of Validation
Podcast: Something You Should Know
Host: Mike Carruthers
Guest: Michael Sorensen, podcaster, coach, and author of I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Release Date: June 9, 2026

In this episode, Mike Carruthers explores the transformative communication skill of validation—truly helping others feel heard and understood. Through an engaging interview with Michael Sorensen, listeners learn the difference between listening and validating, practical ways to implement validation, and the impact it can have on personal, professional, and family relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

First Impressions and Intelligence (03:49–06:40)

• Tips for Seeming More Intelligent:
  • No booze: People holding drinks are perceived as less intelligent.
  • Use a middle initial: Seen as smarter in studies.
  • Don’t use textspeak: Spell out words; be grammatically correct.
  • Wear glasses: Commonly associated with intelligence.
  • Act interested: Stay engaged, make eye contact, have good posture.
  • Use small words: Simpler language comes off as smarter.
• Insight: “People who posted status updates with correct spelling and capitalization were judged as more intelligent and competent.” – Mike Carruthers (05:12)

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What is Validation and Why Does it Matter? (06:44–08:58)

• Difference Between Listening and Validation:
  • Listening is important, but validation goes further: it’s about helping others feel heard, understood, and justified in their emotions.
  • “At the end of the day, the really great listeners of the world are more than just that. They listen. They seek to understand the other person, and then they validate. …We want to know that they're understanding the emotions that we're feeling, that they really get us.” – Michael Sorensen (06:50)
• Two Elements of Validation:
  1. Identify the emotion.
  2. Offer justification for feeling that way.

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Advice Versus Validation—Common Mistakes (08:58–11:18)

• Many people, “maybe men especially,” default to giving advice or solving the problem when someone shares an emotional issue.
• Sorensen says, “Nine times out of 10, that's not really what they want. Really, what they want is for you to help them not feel crazy.” (07:45)
• Common invalidating statements: “Did you try this?” or “He didn't mean to hurt you”—these dismiss feelings instead of validating them.
• “She just stopped and looked at me and said, ‘Michael, I don't need you to fix it. I just want you to validate me.’ And I thought, oh, shoot.” – Michael Sorensen (09:19)

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Gender Differences and Human Nature (09:24–10:54)

• Men and women: Men might appear less interested in validation but often need it just as much—they may, however, be less likely to admit it.
• “We as men feel like our emotions don't matter or we almost don't like to admit when we are emotional.” – Michael Sorensen (09:47)
• Both genders can feel defensive if advice is given before validation.

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The Four-Step Validation Method (11:18–12:43)

• Steps:
  1. Empathize and validate first.
  2. Allow a response—don’t jump to advice.
  3. Ask permission before offering solutions (“Do you mind if I share a few thoughts?”).
  4. Only then, provide feedback or advice if invited.
• “If you first empathize with them … you let them respond, that shows first a tremendous amount of respect… All I’m suggesting is that’s better to come after first offering validation.” – Michael Sorensen (11:31)

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When Validation Is Most Useful (12:43–13:35)

• Validation is vital in emotionally charged situations—both negative and positive experiences.
• In mundane, practical scenarios (“I can’t open the peanut butter jar”), quick action may suffice.

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Chronic Complaining and Boundaries (13:35–15:39)

• Persistent complaining can stem from not feeling validated.
• If you validate and the pattern continues, set healthy boundaries:
  • Example dialogue: “I want to help you, but this is starting to feel draining for me.”
• “There are many situations that I've seen where the partner continuously complains because they're not getting any validation. …In those instances, if that's the situation, validation can absolutely help.” – Michael Sorensen (13:56)
• Seek therapy or external support if needed.

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Joint Problems in Relationships (18:11–19:06)

• Both partners can get stuck in a negative feedback loop, “stirring the pot” together.
• “That's no spot to live in… there's tremendous value in working to surround yourself with emotionally healthy people.” – Michael Sorensen (18:18)

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How to Develop a Validating Mindset (19:14–20:54)

• Why validate? It benefits both parties—builds trust, opens conversations, even saves business deals.
• Start simply: pause before offering advice, and insert just one validating statement.
• “Just try to not give feedback or advice right away. Just pause. Try a validating statement before you jump into advice, because it makes a huge difference.” – Michael Sorensen (20:00)

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The Harm of Minimizing and Dismissing (20:54–23:47)

• Giving advice too soon often dismisses the feeling (“well, you shouldn't be that upset”).
• True validation meets the real need: being heard and not judged for feeling what you feel.
• “All of that encourages the other person to push their emotion inward… Good things don't happen when we repress our emotions.” – Michael Sorensen (21:24)
• Memorable anecdote: Sorensen validated his brother instead of advising, and his brother came to the right conclusion on his own. “That just cemented in my mind… quite often people already know how to fix their issues.”

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Validation with Children and in Work (24:09–27:54)

• Works “amazingly well” with children—validating their emotions calms them, whereas minimizing can intensify distress.
• It is not manipulative “placating,” but fundamental respect.
• At work: Validating employees’ emotions, then sharing your perspective, creates openness and resolves disagreements.

“You can validate somebody even if you don't agree with them. In fact, it helps you in that conversation to do so." – Michael Sorensen (26:33)

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Validation in Groups (27:02–27:54)

• Validation works in groups: “Group settings when people are all validating… it’s just validation on steroids.”
• Strong positive feedback when everyone acknowledges and empathizes.

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Validation is Simple but Powerful (27:54–28:19)

• Despite its simplicity, it is profoundly underutilized.
• “It’s a very simple skill. It’s simply getting out there and trying it and seeing what works for you.” – Michael Sorensen (28:13)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “At the end of the day, the really great listeners of the world are more than just that. They listen. They seek to understand the other person, and then they validate.” – Michael Sorensen (06:50)
• “I know people who’ve literally saved negotiations…simply because they stepped in and validated the other party first before negotiating.” – Michael Sorensen (19:52)
• “We all, as humans, have a deep-seated need to feel heard and understood.” – Michael Sorensen (10:17)
• “Most of us default to giving advice. But… the most damaging aspect is the dismissing of an emotion.” – Michael Sorensen (21:10)
• “Try it. I think you might be surprised because it’s a small, simple tweak, but it has a profound impact on your conversations.” – Michael Sorensen (25:26)
• “You can validate somebody even if you don’t agree with them. In fact, it helps you in that conversation to do so.” – Michael Sorensen (26:33)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:49 – Ways to appear more intelligent
• 06:44 – What is validation? Why it’s powerful
• 09:24 – Gender and validation: myths vs. reality
• 11:18 – The four-step validation process
• 13:35 – Chronic venting, boundaries, and validation
• 18:11 – Couples and “problem spirals”
• 19:40 – How to start validating if it’s new to you
• 21:10 – Why minimizing is worse than premature advice
• 24:09 – Validation with children
• 26:33 – Validating when you disagree
• 27:02 – Validation in group settings

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Takeaways

• Validation goes beyond listening: it’s an “empathy in action” skill that helps people feel seen, respected, and emotionally safe.
• Simple, practical, and can revolutionize conversations, relationships, and workplace dynamics.
• You don’t have to agree with someone to validate them.
• Start by pausing, holding back advice, and just offering empathy.

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For more:

• I Hear You by Michael Sorensen (book and podcast)
• See show notes for links.

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(Episode ends with Mike thanking Michael and closing out the topic.)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I know people who've literally saved negotiations that were six figure deals that were about to be lost simply because they stepped in and validated the other party first before negotiating. It helps people be more open to your feedback and your advice. It helps you deepen your relationships.

[A]

Then can washing your hands actually wash away bad luck? You might be surprised and developing mental toughness so you can perform at your best no matter what. It really boils down to self confidence. See, self confidence, Mike, is the single most important variable for all human performance. And if my self confidence is low, it's going to make it difficult for me to perform at or above my potential. All this today on something you should know. If you and I were to meet on the street, which would be lovely, there's an excellent chance that the clothes I would be wearing would be from Quints. And if you asked, I'd be happy to tell you about them. You know how when you discover a brand and suddenly you keep talking about it to people? Well that's become me with Quince. Originally, months ago I ordered a few things for myself. Their pants and some polos, cashmere sweaters. And right then I knew. I mean the quality was so much better than I expected. What I like is their stuff feels elevated without feeling fussy. Their linen shirts and pants are great this time of year. Light, breathable, comfortable, but you still look put together. I just ordered some jeans recently too and they've immediately gone into regular rotation. And then you see the prices and it almost doesn't make sense because quints cuts out the middleman and works directly with ethical factories. So you're paying for quality, not some big giant markup. Honestly, I recommend quints to people all the time and I'm recommending it to you. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.comsysk for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U-I-N C-E.comSYSK for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comSYSK something you should Know Fascinating intel,

[B]

the world's top experts and practical advice

[A]

you can use in your life today. Something you should Know with Mike Carruthers hi, welcome to Something you should Know.

[B]

I don't know about you, but I

[A]

find that if I'm not careful, I spend a lot of time in front of the television watching the coverage of all that's going on in the world with the coronavirus, and it does get a little overwhelming at times. If you find yourself in that situation, I invite you to dive into our archives. We've got 300 plus episodes of this podcast to listen to, almost none of which talk about the coronavirus, and it's a great way to fill up some of the extra time you probably have while we're waiting for this all to pass. We start today with how to influence people's first impression of you so that you come off looking more intelligent. Here are some scientifically proven strategies. No booze People holding a drink in their hand automatically appear less intelligent. People are so conditioned to associate drinking with being drunk that they expect it whenever they see alcohol cues. So if you're drinking, you look dumber. Use your middle initial. It can make others see you as smarter, according to research from Ireland. In the study, people were more likely to choose participants with a middle initial to be their partners for an intellectual quiz game than people who had no middle initial. Don't use text, speak in an email or on social media using the letter U instead of the word U or or writing ppl instead of the word people. In a study, people who posted status updates with correct spelling and capitalization were judged as more intelligent and competent. Wear glasses. People who wear glasses are consistently rated as more intelligent than people who don't act interested. Resist the urge to zone out when someone's blathering on and on to you. People who appear engaged in a conversation and make solid eye contact and maintain an upright posture are rated as more intelligent and use small words. People who try to impress with big words are perceived as less intelligent than people who Just talk normal. And that is something you should know. How many times have you heard that it's important to be a good listener, to really hear what the other person is saying, Repeat it back to them, even to let them know that you heard their words. And while that's probably a good idea, you may want to take it a step further. And that step further is validation. Michael Sorensen knows a lot about this. Michael is a podcaster and coach, and he's author of the book I Hear the Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.

[B]

Hey, Michael, thanks for having me.

[A]

So explain the concept of validation, what it is, how it works, and why it's so powerful.

[B]

We talk a lot in society today about the importance of listening, right? Whether it's in your romantic relationships, in your professional relationships, what have you. And listening is important. But really, at the end of the day, the really great listeners of the world are more than just that. They listen. They seek to understand the other person, and then they validate. And the big idea here is that third point. Validation. Helping somebody feel heard and understood is what we really all crave. At the end of the day, it's more than just feeling like someone's hearing the words we're saying. We want to know that they're understanding the emotions that we're feeling, that they really get us.

[A]

What's the thing that has to happen to become that kind of listener? Because I don't think people like to think that they listen, but I don't think necessarily that people listen the way you. You're talking about listening, right?

[B]

Well, one of the biggest issues that most of us fall into is that if somebody comes to us and they're. They're complaining, right? Or they're going through something of a difficult nature, we assume that they want our advice, right? We assume that they want help. And while that may be true in certain instances, nine times out of 10, that's not really what they want. Really, what they want is for you to help them not feel crazy. And so validation, I always talk about, has two main points. So when someone's talking to you, most of the time, what they want is validation. And what that means is they want to feel like you understand what they're going through and that you don't blame them. You don't judge them for however they're feeling. So effective validation identifies an emotion, and then it offers justification for feeling that emotion. And oftentimes, if we provide that, you know, if somebody comes to us with a problem, we just go, oh, my gosh, I can't even believe that, and we just leave it at that and let them keep talking. That's what they're looking for. Versus well, did you try this? Well, then you should do that. Or I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. All of those are invalidating statements. And they essentially tell the other person, don't feel whatever you're feeling.

[A]

Yeah, well, I guess we have a tendency, maybe men especially, that if you come to me with a problem, what you really want is my advice and solution.

[B]

And that's where a lot of us go. I talk and teach and preach about validation all the time. And not last week, my wife came to me with something and I immediately jumped in trying to fix it or give her advice. And she just stopped and looked at me and said, michael, I don't need you to fix it. I just want you to validate me. And I thought, oh, shoot.

[A]

Do you think, though, there is a bit of a gender difference, that maybe men, when they express a problem, are maybe looking for advice and maybe validation too, but that, you know, we often hear that women don't, I don't want you to fix it. I just want you to hear me. But sometimes I think men want you to fix it or at least have an idea.

[B]

Well, I'm happy you asked that because that is what we assume most of the time. And I think in large part that's because we as men feel like our emotions don't matter or we almost don't like to admit when we are, when we are emotional. And yet if we're sticking with stereotypes for a moment, men also, stereotypically can be quite prideful, right? Or we have a bit of an ego. We don't necessarily like to need help, and so we might not admit it. And yet most of the time, you know, if I'm talking with a buddy of mine or a coworker and he's telling me something that's frustrating and I try to help him fix it. He gets defensive, right? He almost takes offense to that. Like, no, don't. Don't tell me how to fix it. So it's this interesting dance because a lot of us aren't even aware of the fact that we want validation. And yet it's a basic human need, right? We all, as humans have a deep seated need to feel heard and understood. And so while women may be a little more in tune with that fact and they might say, no, I just want you to listen to me, men need it every bit as much. We might just not admit it. We Might just not say it.

[A]

Yeah, well, and I think that when people tell us, tell us a problem or you know, just kind of vent about something, that the unspoken phrase at the end is what do you think? They may not say it, but that why would they tell us all this if they didn't know what I thought? And so let me tell you what I thought. And maybe that's not really what they want.

[B]

Sure. At least not right off the bat. So I identified something I call the four step validation method. And it's basically a reverse engineered way of some of the best conversations that I've seen over thousands on how to best help somebody feel heard and understood. And what's critical is that it's a process here. Because I'm not saying you can't ever offer advice. I'm not saying you can't ever help somebody feel better by offering a solution. All I'm suggesting is that's better to come after first offering validation. And so if somebody comes to you and they're complaining about something, sure, they probably want help fixing it. That doesn't mean they want that first. And so if you first empathize with them and go, oh, gee, that's tough. Right. He really did that. I can't even believe that. Right. And you let them respond, that shows first a tremendous amount of respect for the other person. Because you're not saying, I know how to fix this and you don't. Right. So first you validate and then I'm a big proponent of asking permission to give advice. So that might look like saying, you know, I have a few thoughts on the topic. Do you mind if I share? You know, or maybe simply saying, well, what would you like from me? And then that gives the other person the power to ask for your opinion, to ask for your advice. And then when they do that, they're far more open to that advice and they're far more willing to actually implement whatever it is you're suggesting.

[A]

Yeah, well, that makes sense. But I mean, there are also times where if my wife comes to me and says, I can't get the top off the peanut butter jar, I'm not going to validate her. I'm just going to take the top off the peanut butter jar.

[B]

Sure. Yeah. And I'm happy you point that out because this certainly isn't a one size fits all. You can never jump to advice. I find where it's most beneficial is when it's more of an emotionally charged situation. Positive or, excuse me, negative or positive. You know, when somebody is explaining or sharing something very exciting to us. They, of course, don't want us to just say cool, Right. They want us to feel excited and energized. And that's validating as well. Right. So validation really is just showing the other person that they're allowed to feel whatever they're feeling and that that makes sense to us.

[A]

What about in especially, I think this happens in relationships where maybe one partner complains a lot and they're always unloading about some other thing and what's wrong. Now, does this mitigate that or not?

[B]

It can. And this is a question I get fairly often because it's very situation dependent. Right. There are. There are many situations that I've seen where the partner continuously complains because they're not getting any validation. You know, their partner shoots them down, says, don't feel that way, basically. Right. And they're starved for it, and so they continue to seek for it. And so in those instances, if that's the situation, validation can absolutely help. Now, there are other situations where you may be the most validating human on planet earth, and they just keep coming to you because they want that and they're lapping it up and you are feeling drained beyond all get out in those situations is where boundaries are critical and having candid communication with that person. And so if they're constantly complaining to you, you might say, hey, listen, I want to help you, I really do. And I love you, I care about you. And this is starting to feel draining for me. I'm having a hard time knowing how to help you because I feel like every time we talk, you're just complaining. Do you have any thoughts on how we might address that?

[A]

Which is easy to say between you and me right now, but in the moment, that's a difficult conversation to keep the lid on.

[B]

It really is, especially with a significant other. Right. Your spouse or a family member. And yet, at the end of the day, while most of us want to avoid those conversations, the issue likely won't go away without having something like that. And so I personally am a big fan of therapy. Seeing a good therapist, or at very least finding a good friend, somebody that you can confide in who's emotionally healthy that can help you practice, you know, bounce ideas off of how to have those difficult conversations.

[A]

We're talking about the importance of validation, and my guest is Michael Sorensen. His book is called I Hear the Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships. You know, I think a lot of people have something they could turn into a business, a product, a skill, some side thing their friends keep telling them they should sell. The problem usually isn't the idea, it's the process that comes afterwards. Website, payments, marketing, shipping, returns. Suddenly your little idea feels like a full time it job. Which is why Shopify is so smart. Shopify puts everything in one place. You can build a beautiful online store with their templates and their AI tools, help with product descriptions and headlines, and can even improve your product photos. And then there's the part most people never think about until it's too late. And that's actually finding customers. Shopify has email and social marketing tools built right in so you can reach people where they already are. There's a reason Shopify powers millions of businesses and 10%, 10% of all E commerce in the U.S. it's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month [e-mail] sysk go to shopify.com that's shopify.com sysk expedia and visit Scotland Invite you to come Step into centuries of history that await in Scotland. Castles steeped in legend Walk along cobblestone streets. Come share the warmth of stories passed down through generations. This is a place with a past that is fully present today and all yours to explore. Plan your Scottish escape [e-mail] visitscotland so, Michael, I wonder if, or I suspect if sometimes, especially with couples, if there's a problem that they're both involved in, it's very easy to just bitch about it to each other because it isn't one objective observer and one person with a problem. It's two people with the same problem just kind of stirring the pot over and over and over again.

[B]

Well, and to that again, I would say having an outside party can be quite helpful there because I absolutely do see that, you know, they just, they feed off each other and they just go down and down deeper and deeper. And that's, that's no spot to live in, you know, and so, you know, if somebody's in a situation like that, hopefully they are starting to feel like, gee, this isn't very fun. Maybe there's, maybe there's a happier way to live life. And that's where there's tremendous value in working to surround yourself with emotionally healthy people. People who will validate you, who will listen to you when you need to be heard, and who also aren't afraid to call you out when you need to be called out. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two work better hand in hand when you feel heard and understood, you feel safe and you can confide in these people and then that allows them to speak candidly back and give you feedback that you might otherwise be closed off to.

[A]

If you're not the validating type, if you haven't been doing this a lot in your life, you sound like you're a good validating kind of guy.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I try, but I think a lot of people aren't used to doing this, that their reaction to events and problems and conversations is to not do this. And so what's the process, if there is one, to stop and say before I say, oh, that's a shame. How do I get my head into the validating mindset?

[B]

I see it as twofold. First, you really have to understand the why behind it and speaking frankly, the benefit to you and the other person of validating. And so this isn't something that you're just doing just to help the other person. Certainly you are. You have to care about the other person. But when you learn how to validate, when you learn how to hold off on advice for just a moment and validate first, it makes a tremendous difference in your business negotiations. I know people who've literally saved negotiations that were six figure deals that were about to be lost simply because they stepped in and validated the other party first before negotiating. It helps people be more open to your feedback and your advice. It helps you deepen your relationships. I get email after email and letter after letter of people who say, literally this saved my marriage of five, 10, 20, 50 years, something this simple. So first, obviously you have to understand the benefit that can come. But then once you understand that, really it's simple to start for people who are struggling. I say just try to not give feedback or advice right away. Just pause. Try one validating statement before you jump into advice, because it makes a huge difference.

[A]

Is it advice that's the big problem or is it, it would seem that an even bigger problem is being dismissive or minimized, or that kind of thing would be even worse than offering advice or I don't know, you tell me.

[B]

Oh yeah, you're absolutely right. I like to hone in on advice as sort of a shortcut, if you will. You know, somebody's saying, well, what's the quickest way? Because most of us default to giving advice. But you're absolutely right, the most damaging aspect is the dismissing of an emotion. And that's what jumping into advice does right away. We just might not see that. Right. So if somebody comes to me and Says, I'm so frustrated with my boss at work. He never listens to me, I work my butt off, so on and so forth. And I say, well, you should just talk to him. Really what I'm saying is, well, you shouldn't be that upset. This isn't that big of a deal. I don't know why you're upset about this. Right. And that is dismissing the emotion. So. So you're spot on, Mike, that at the end of the day, most of these statements, these invalidating statements that we mean well, but we're just saying, don't cry, tough it out. Oh, he didn't mean to say that. But all of that encourages the other person to push their emotion inward. And it doesn't. You know, good things don't happen when we repress our emotions. Right. We have to let them out.

[A]

And yet we think we're doing someone a favor by trying to make it not look so bad, you know, oh, like you said, oh, he didn't really mean that. Or it's not that bad. Or we think that helps. But you're saying just the opposite.

[B]

Absolutely. I'll share a brief experience that I had. My brother called me years ago while I was still writing my first book, and he shared something that I could relate to. And I thought I had the perfect solution in mind, but I was literally right in the middle of writing my book, and I thought, okay, let's try just validating him. Just validating him first and see what happens. And so we talked a little bit, and I just said, oh, my gosh, that sucks. Like, especially because of this and this and this. And I just hate that situation. And, you know, I could hear the relief audible in his voice when he responded. And we talked back and forth a little bit. And then instead of giving the advice, which I could have given at that moment, but instead of that, I just asked a question. I said, so, what are you going to do about it? And he related back to me the exact advice that I was about to give him. He already knew how to handle it. That wasn't really why he was calling me. What he was calling me for was that validation. And so that. That just cemented in my mind that idea that it's not always the case, but quite often people already know how to fix their issues. That's not what they're asking for help for. What they're asking for help for is calming down, feeling heard, not feeling crazy for being upset over something. And then they can typically figure it out, or they're now more Open to you helping them.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, when you put yourself in the situation of your brother, that, yeah, that's kind of what I would want. I just. I don't necessarily need your advice. You may not even know enough to offer the advice, and I probably know what to do. I just feel so lonely sitting here feeling all beat up.

[B]

Right. And it's tremendously respectful. You know, that's the other thing that I hope the listeners take away from this, is this isn't manipulation. This isn't trying to just placate someone. This is showing respect for another human being. You know, adults need that. Children need that. I'm consistently shocked at how well validation works to help, you know, wild children who were just sobbing and screaming because their mom left or their dad left. Typically we want to say, oh, it's fine. She'll be back in an hour. Don't worry about it. And the kid just wails even louder. Right. But when you can say, ah, gee, it sucks when mom leaves, doesn't it? Yeah. You know, she's so good at cuddling, whatever it is. Right. But I've heard multiple stories from parents sharing the same thing where instead of trying to get their kids to quiet down by saying, stop, stop screaming, it's gonna be okay, when they just validate them and say, yeah, this is hard, or this is scary, it is. The kids learn that they're okay, and they're able to recover and learn to manage their own emotions just as well.

[A]

What's surprising, I guess, is that it's really. It's not difficult. It's fairly simple, straightforward. It's a matter of remembering to do it when the time comes, you know?

[B]

And to anybody who might be skeptical, I say, try it. I think you might be surprised because it's a small, simple tweak, but it has a profound impact on your conversations. And most of the time, what I hear from people is they write in and they say, I just tried it, and it worked. My partner actually said, I don't know what you're doing, but I appreciate it. I can tell that you're working on it. Or, gee, that was the best conversation we've ever had. And it was over text. It's just taking that extra moment to pause, empathize with the other person. I do want to say, I'm not suggesting that you have to even agree with them. That's one other question that I get quite often is people say, well, I don't want to validate somebody if I don't agree with Them. And the amazing thing is you don't have to because you're not saying you're right. All you're saying is, I can see how you feel that way. And for sake of time, I won't get into the details, but I use this daily at work. I'm a manager of roughly 30 people. And I've had many instances where people come to me livid with a decision that I made that they disagree with and I listen to them and they explain why, and I validate from their perspective. I can appreciate why they're so upset. Just turns out they didn't have the whole picture. So after I validated them, after I heard them, I said, now may I share my side of the story? And they said, yeah. And we talked. And by the end they're saying, okay, that makes sense. Thank you, I appreciate it. So you can validate somebody even if you don't agree with them. In fact, it helps you in that conversation to do so.

[A]

Does it work, do you think with more than one person at a time or is this a very one on one kind of skill?

[B]

Ooh, that's a new question. And it works in any setting. In fact, group settings when people are all validating, it's just validation on steroids, right? So if you imagine, you know, a situation where you're talking with a group of friends and you explain something that happened again, we'll say at the office and everybody just goes, gets livid and oh my gosh, I can't believe that. That's very validating right there. You just got it from 10 people instead of one person. And so it absolutely can work in group settings as well. The key here is simple empathy. It's just making sure that you understand the emotion that the other person's feeling and that you express some form of justification or understanding as to why they're feeling that way.

[A]

Well, it almost seems like you kind of wonder how you filled a whole book up, because it doesn't seem like it's that hard. I mean, you have your four step process there, but it seems like such a simple fix to a very pervasive problem.

[B]

You're absolutely right, Mike. It's a very simple skill. It's simply getting out there and trying it and seeing what works for you.

[A]

Well, I like this because, you know, it feels right. I think anybody who's been on the receiving end of being validated knows that it feels good and helps facilitate any conversation. And yet we don't talk about validation as much as we talk about listening. But clearly it's more than that. Michael Sorensen has been my guest. His podcast is called I Hear your and so is his book and there is a link to both of them in the show notes. Thanks, Michael.

[B]

Thank you, Mike.

[A]

And that wraps up this sysk trending topic. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening to something you should know.