Something You Should Know – “The Science of Goal Setting & The Truth About Denial”

Host: Mike Carruthers
Guests: Rob Dial (Mindset Mentor, Author of “Level Up”), Dr. Jane Greer (Therapist, Author of “Am I Lying to Myself?”)
Original Air Date: October 11, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of "Something You Should Know" dives deep into the science and strategy of goal setting with Rob Dial, host of The Mindset Mentor podcast, and explores the often-misunderstood topic of denial in relationships and self-perception with therapist and author Dr. Jane Greer. The episode offers practical insights, actionable tips, and memorable real-life stories to help listeners take action on their goals and better understand – and address – denial in themselves and those around them.

Segment 1: The Science of Goal Setting with Rob Dial

Timestamps: 05:27 – 29:11

Main Points & Insights

Why Don’t People Take Action?

• Three major blocks:
  1. Identity: Our self-image, mostly shaped in childhood, can define our limits.
     • "Your identity is just another way of saying your personality… and it can change at any point in time." – Rob Dial [05:50]
  2. Fear: Most fears are intellectual (fear of failure, rejection) rather than primal (physical danger).
     • "We're creating the Boogeyman every single day in our lives and fighting the Boogeyman. And in reality, he doesn't even actually exist." – Rob Dial [07:04]
  3. Procrastination is a symptom, not a root cause.
• Quote:
  • “Procrastination is a downstream effect of the problem. It’s the symptom, but it’s not the cause.” – Rob Dial [07:54]

The True Meaning of Focus

• Focus is applying your mental energy to one task by reducing distractions.
• Remove external distractions (phone, email, TV) before trying to "get better at focus".
• Uses the Pomodoro Technique: 25-minutes focused work, 5-minute break.
• Quote:
  • "Focus is just like a muscle. You can become better at focusing. That's a fact." – Rob Dial [08:17]

Step One: Define What You Want

• Most people know what they don’t want, but can’t articulate what they do want.
• Important to build out a clear picture of your “perfect life” and work toward it every day.
• Go-Kart track metaphor: "Don't look at the crash. Look past the crash and where you want to go." [09:59]
• Quote:
  • “So many people are looking at the crash and saying, ‘This is what I don't want,’ versus actually deciding what it is that you truly want in your life.” – Rob Dial [10:16]

The Power of Environment Over Willpower

• The most successful people don’t have perfect willpower; they engineer their surroundings to minimize temptation.
• Example: Healthy people don’t keep ice cream at home, so their willpower isn’t tested.
• Quote:
  • “They create an environment where their willpower would not be tested as much as somebody else.” – Rob Dial [11:49]

Motivation, Regret, and “Seven Levels of Why”

• Many are driven by fear of regret (not wanting to wonder “what if?”).
• To sustain motivation, keep digging into why you want something ("Seven Levels of Why"—ask “why” seven times).
• Deep, personal reasons for a goal are more motivating than surface-level ones.
• Quote:
  • "If the why is strong enough, the how of how to get it done will always reveal itself." – Rob Dial [15:05]

Flexibility: Life Will Not Go Exactly As Planned

• Attempting to control everything brings only anxiety – control what you can (your choices, thoughts, actions) and accept the rest.
• Emphasizes continual pursuit of purpose as a daily quest.
• Quote:
  • “We can almost control nothing. One of those things is what you think... how you feel... the actions that you take.” – Rob Dial [18:59]

Discovering Purpose (Ikigai)

• Use the Japanese concept of Ikigai:
  1. What do I love?
  2. What am I good at?
  3. What can I be paid for?
  4. What does the world need?
• Add: What are you interested in learning about?
• Quote:
  • "If you could find the overlap of those four or five things, usually you're going to find something that you're really passionate about doing with your life." – Rob Dial [22:32]

Overcoming Self-Doubt & Imposter Syndrome

• Even experts struggle with feeling unworthy.
• Rob discusses his hesitation to start his podcast because of Tony Robbins’ success.
• Quote:
  • "I almost didn't start the Mindset Mentor podcast because Tony Robbins exists... And now, you know, his team [asked] to be on the podcast." – Rob Dial [24:05]

Perfectionism & Authenticity

• Perfectionism is rooted in fear of judgment; true satisfaction comes from serving authentically, not pleasing everyone.
• Quote:
  • "You just have to change yourself. And really, what it comes down to is discovering who is your true, authentic self." – Rob Dial [26:31]

Regret of the Dying

• Studies show people regret not being true to themselves—living by their own values, not someone else’s expectations.
• Quote:
  • “I wish I lived a life that was true to myself and not the life that other people expected of me.” – Rob Dial [27:05]
  • “If you continue down this path and don't follow it, you're going to hate yourself when you get older.” – Rob Dial [27:54]

Segment 2: The Truth About Denial with Dr. Jane Greer

Timestamps: 31:19 – 52:28

Main Points & Insights

What is Denial?

• Denial is emotionally blocking out reality—"emotional blindness"—to avoid pain or discomfort.
• Quote:
  • "Denial is the inability to see reality. Denial is blocking out what is unpleasant, painful or hurtful or upsetting to you and just not seeing it. It's like going emotionally blind." – Dr. Jane Greer [32:20]

Denial’s Double-Edged Sword

• Some denial is healthy: a coping defense that helps us through trauma.
• But when denial “takes over center stage,” it’s destructive—leaving you vulnerable because “reality will inevitably catch up with you.” [32:46]

Signs & Examples of Denial

• Common in family relationships and partnerships—people see their loved ones as they wish they’d be, not as they truly are.
• Hallmark of denial: repeatedly surprised by the same bad behavior, always expecting a different outcome.
• Quote:
  • "One of the most important things is when you're dealing with denial, you know you're in it because you always forget that this is exactly what happened the last time..." – Dr. Jane Greer [34:06]
• Minimizing bad behavior is a key feature—turning “a lot into a little.”
• Example: Calling abandoning a partner at a wedding “kooky,” when it’s "hurtful, hostile, thoughtless, selfish behavior." [36:21]

How To Respond: Setting Limits & Boundaries

• You can’t make people change; you can control your boundaries and expectations.
• Demanders' Denial: The other person always needs more and can never be satisfied.
• Action steps:
  • Limit your efforts; avoid overextending.
  • Adjust your expectations—don’t expect gratitude or support from those consistently critical.
  • Quote:
    • "When you realize that it doesn't matter how high you jump, the bar will always be raised and you will always fall short. You start to see the person for who they are." – Dr. Jane Greer [39:43]

Addressing Demanding or Narcissistic Relatives

• Direct appeals for better treatment rarely work—often met with defensiveness or anger.
• Instead, communicate what you will do (e.g., "If you keep talking, I will hang up") and enforce it.
• Quote:
  • "You don't tell other people what they need to do. You tell them what you're going to do." – Dr. Jane Greer [42:59]

Emotional Self-Care

• Take care of yourself by accepting you can’t please some people—set emotional boundaries for your well-being.
• Even family members can be impossible to satisfy; recognize this and affirm "I'm not responsible for their emotions." [45:25]
• Denial keeps people wishing things were different rather than setting healthier boundaries.

Denial in Infidelity & Relationships

• Believing flimsy excuses or explanations ("just going along with their denial") is a form of denial—look behind the curtain rather than pretending things are fine.
• Quote:
  • "Denial is the Houdini of the mind and the heart. It makes everything disappear. And you can't ignore behind the curtain." – Dr. Jane Greer [50:36]

Seeing Denial in Others vs. Ourselves

• Far easier to spot denial in someone else (“the wool being pulled over their eyes”) than in your own life.

Key Takeaway

• Accept what you cannot change in others, protect yourself with clear boundaries, and focus on self-care rather than wishful thinking:
  • "I might as well take care of myself." – Dr. Jane Greer [52:08]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Fear:
  "We're creating this fear of failure and then fighting the fear of failure, but it actually doesn't even exist." – Rob Dial [07:04]

• On Environment Over Willpower:
  "They just create an environment where their willpower does not have to be tested." – Rob Dial [11:49]

• On Purpose & Fulfillment:
  "Fulfillment is a natural byproduct of taking the actions that you need to when you're in alignment with what your true purpose is." – Rob Dial [19:55]

• On Regret:
  "The number one regret [of dying people] is that I wish I lived a life that was true to myself and not the life that other people expected of me." – Rob Dial [27:05]

• On Denial:
  "Denial is the Houdini of the mind and the heart. It makes everything disappear." – Dr. Jane Greer [50:36]

• On Boundaries:
  "You don't tell other people what they need to do. You tell them what you're going to do." – Dr. Jane Greer [42:59]

Mini-Segment: Herb Cohen’s Negotiation Tips

[52:34]

• “Dumb is better”—let the other person feel smarter.
• Feign confusion to prompt clarification and better terms.
• “Care, but don’t care too much”—the more detached you seem, the better the deal.
• Be willing to walk away; often the offer improves as a result.

Closing Takeaways

• Goal Setting: Knowing what you want, setting your environment up for success, and digging deep into your “why” are keys to follow-through.
• On Denial: Healthy boundaries are essential for self-care when dealing with demanding or toxic relationships; see people as they truly are, not as you wish they’d be.
• General Well-being: Recognizing your purpose—and pursuing it authentically without striving for perfection—is at the heart of a satisfying, regret-free life.

Further Reading & Resources

• Rob Dial’s book: Level Up
• Rob Dial’s podcast: The Mindset Mentor
• Jane Greer’s book: Am I Lying to Myself?
  (Links available in show notes)

For anyone struggling to act on their ambitions, or wondering how to deal with denial in their own life or relationships, this episode delivers empowering strategies, practical exercises, and fresh perspective to “get more out of life—today, right now.”