The Secret Story of Your Private Life & How to Make the Best Use of Your Time

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Secret Story of Your Private Life & How to Make the Best Use of Your Time"

Title: Something You Should Know
Host: Mike Carruthers | OmniCast Media
Release Date: August 7, 2025
Episode Focus: Exploring the nuances of privacy in our lives and effective time management strategies.

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1. The Silent Danger: Understanding Drowning

Timestamp: [01:36] - [07:51]

Mike Carruthers opens the episode by addressing a critical yet often misunderstood issue—drowning prevention. Contrary to cinematic portrayals, drowning is typically a quiet and unnoticed event. Carruthers highlights alarming statistics, noting that "90% of children who drowned did so under the care of a grown-up" ([02:06]). He emphasizes the importance of recognizing subtle signs of distress in water, such as "glassy eyes," "a head low in the water with the mouth at water level," and unusual stillness despite playtime noises. This segment serves as a vital reminder to stay vigilant around water, especially during pool gatherings and summer activities.

"Drowning is typically done very quietly. People often don't even seem in distress and they may even remain upright in the water."
— Mike Carruthers [01:51]

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2. The Evolution of Privacy: Insights from Tiffany Jenkins

Timestamp: [07:51] - [30:41]

In the second segment, Mike introduces Tiffany Jenkins, a cultural historian and author of Strangers and the Rise and Fall of Private Life. Their conversation delves deep into the concept of privacy, tracing its historical evolution and current challenges.

Key Discussions:

• Historical Perspective: Jenkins explains that the notion of a private life is a relatively modern construct. In the 17th century, privacy was often viewed with suspicion, associated primarily with "adulterers and murderers" ([08:53]).

• Philosophical Shifts: Citing philosopher Thomas Hobbes, Jenkins highlights the revolutionary idea that "thought is free" in private, a stark contrast to societal expectations of uniform public behavior ([10:05]).

• Modern-Day Privacy Erosion: Jenkins observes that while legal protections for privacy exist, societal norms have shifted towards sharing more personal information publicly. Events like public figures disclosing private conversations, such as Prince Harry revealing conversations with his father, exemplify this trend ([19:40]).

• Personal Boundaries: Emphasizing the importance of maintaining a distinction between one's private and public selves, Jenkins advocates for "drawing our own boundaries" to foster better personal relationships and self-development ([15:04], [28:16]).

Notable Quotes:

"Privacy is essential as a space where you are free to develop your inner life... and freedom from intrusion from government or the corporate world."
— Tiffany Jenkins [14:06]

"We need to be slightly, you know, to say silly things, to rant and rave, to be sit around in our pajamas... and not be our best selves."
— Tiffany Jenkins [27:34]

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3. Mastering Your Time: Strategies with Risa Williams

Timestamp: [31:47] - [52:53]

The final segment features Risa Williams, a psychotherapist and author of Get Stuff Done without the Stress. Williams provides actionable strategies to overcome common time management challenges.

Key Discussions:

• Feeling Overwhelmed: Williams identifies that many listeners feel perpetually overwhelmed, with endless to-do lists leading to high stress and a lack of accomplishment ([32:54]).

• Importance of Planning: She underscores the necessity of planning both work and free time. Williams introduces the concept of a "task intensity meter" to prioritize tasks based on their stress levels and personal importance ([39:57]).

• Focus Time: Williams explains "focus time" as dedicated periods where one can ramp up energy and concentration. Techniques like movement, task sprints (e.g., Pomodoro method), and associating specific music with work can enhance focus ([39:57]).

• Breaking Tasks Down: When feeling stuck, Williams recommends breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps and addressing low-intensity tasks first to build momentum ([43:44]).

• Self-Kindness: Emphasizing self-compassion, she advises treating oneself with the same kindness offered to others, reducing harsh self-judgment when managing time and tasks ([50:00]).

Notable Quotes:

"Motivation tends to strike moving objects. When you start moving a little bit, eventually momentum and motivation find you."
— Risa Williams [51:52]

"We need to carve out space and time for important things and consistently show up to tell our brain that it's important."
— Risa Williams [37:22]

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Conclusion

In this episode of Something You Should Know, Mike Carruthers expertly navigates two essential aspects of modern life—understanding the often-overlooked dangers around us and managing our private lives and time effectively. Through insightful discussions with experts Tiffany Jenkins and Risa Williams, listeners gain a deeper appreciation of the value of privacy and practical strategies to enhance their time management skills. This knowledge not only fosters personal growth but also contributes to safer and more fulfilling lives.

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Additional Resources:

• Strangers and the Rise and Fall of Private Life by Tiffany Jenkins
• Get Stuff Done without the Stress by Risa Williams

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements and promotional segments to focus solely on the episode's core content.

Transcript

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[Mike Carruthers]

Today on something you should know what you didn't know about how people drown and how to save them. Then your right to privacy. You expect it. But privacy is a pretty new concep.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

So if you look back at say the 17th century, when people do start to talk about privacy, it's almost as if it's a threat. Preachers talk about only adulterers and murderers need privacy. That you should do nothing in private that you wouldn't do in public.

[Mike Carruthers]

Also the best way to break the ice to start a romance. And simple strategies to control your time. Something a lot of us struggle with.

[Risa Williams]

I think the main thing I'm hearing from people is that they're overwhelmed. They never feel done with their time to do list and they just keep adding more things to their to do list. So there's never this happy and done.

[Mike Carruthers]

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[Tiffany Jenkins]

Pleasure to be here, Mike.

[Mike Carruthers]

So this idea of a private life, which I think a lot of people cling to and think, you know, that's a right of mine. I have the right to have a private life. Historically, how has that been viewed?

[Tiffany Jenkins]

Very differently. I mean, the first thing to say about a private life is that it's not a natural occurrence. It's not something that people naturally want. It's something they kind of almost stumble upon upon organically and accidentally. So if you look back at, say, the 17th century, when people do start to talk about private life and privacy, it's almost as if it's a threat. It's almost as if it's a frightening condition preachers talk about. Only adulterers and murderers need privacy. And the idea was that you should do nothing in private that you wouldn't do in public, do nothing privately, you wouldn't do publicly. So very different to work to the way privacy then was seen in the 19th century or even now in the 21st.

[Mike Carruthers]

Well, you wonder if that may have been the way it was seen. Was it the way it was practiced? It's hard to imagine people and adulterers and murderers want a private life. Well, that's more of a secret life than a private life.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

That's right. I mean, we never know quite what people get up to in private or as you say, in secret, because they keep it hidden. But we do know that societies mandated, for example, spying through keyholes to check if people were fornicating, basically having intimate relations before marriage. We do know what people said to each other, which is, don't go away in private in case the devil comes to you when you are on your own. So the way people talk, talk about having a private life does change dramatically. But also there are obviously laws that come in. Laws that come in really from the 17th and 18th century through really in the 19th century. And in the 19th century, there's a lot of privacy laws that come into play.

[Mike Carruthers]

But before that, before the 18th century and when there's now laws for protecting privacy, before that, when people had no expectation of privacy, did they behave better or did they have their private life and hide it better?

[Tiffany Jenkins]

I don't think they had a private life in the way that we would understand it. I think it's dramatically different. And it begins ever so slightly when people start talking about what they think about on their own and the division between what they think, what they are thinking and what they are saying. So some of the early battles around private life, and you can see this in the definition of the private in kind of semantic discussions. Some of them begin in property. So how do we keep people out? You know, up until like the 17th century in England, the king could come into your house and put his troops there. You had no kind of right of privacy against him. That begins to change then, both in terms of keeping people out, like the king. But it's contested. You know, you have to kind of fight for it, and a lot of people are against it. They think the king should have that right and people should have a right to come into your home and sit on your furniture and cook in your kitchen. They also start talking about developing an inner life and private thoughts and how they're different and to what, to what you're allowed to say in public. And there are philosophers, you've probably heard of the philosopher Thomas Hobbes. And he says, and this is a dramatic change to earlier writings, he's writing in say the 17th century. He says thought is free and this is a revolutionary idea. And the idea that he is saying is that you may have to say one thing in public because basically people had to follow a particular religion in a particular way and worship in a particular way. They had to sign up to all of that in public. But he argued you can think freely in private. In your head you are free. And that was a revolutionary, radical thing. He had to write that in France. It couldn't be published initially in England.

[Mike Carruthers]

Well, it makes you wonder, it makes me wonder, did people buy into this in the sense that they really checked themselves, edited themselves, wouldn't dare think of something naughty for fear that that was evil, that you couldn't have those kind of private thoughts? Did people really do it or that was just what people said they were doing?

[Tiffany Jenkins]

I think they really did it. If you read the diaries of early Puritans, and these are diaries written for themselves, it's all about how they prayed in private, but they were with, they would be with their husband or they'll be with their family. So the very idea of private is something that involves other people and they're constantly admonishing themselves for having naughty bad thoughts. But they, they write that all down. So I think they have this kind of very, very almost self policing way. And after all they, you know, they, they believed in an all seeing, never forgetting God. So in their minds they're never alone.

[Mike Carruthers]

And so we now have, it seems, if you ask people that they believe they deserve a private life, that they have a private life to some degree. And that, that is in, you know, in America we have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We have the right against unreasonable seizures. We have some laws that protect us. And that seems to be just part of everyday understanding that we do have the right to privacy.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

It's probably been eroded slightly over the past 10 years, both in terms of government laws and surveillance, but also in terms of the way we live our lives. I think people are much more, less suspicious perhaps of government intruding into our private lives, but also just as the way we behave, you know, we sort of, there's a lot of intimacy in the public realm. And by that I mean people talking about their emotions and their families, people proposing on screen, you know, at a ball game rather than doing it in private. So I think things are actually changing. So although we still talk about rights in terms of the way we live, I think we're giving away some of our private life.

[Mike Carruthers]

But you say that a private life is essential. So what do you mean by that?

[Tiffany Jenkins]

I mean a space where, where you are free to develop your inner life to. To be off to have a space where you know, you're not subject to the pressures of public performance as well as freedom from intrusion from government or, or the corporate world. And so I'm as much interested in it in terms of the way we behave as the way government acts. But I'll give you an example perhaps of how I think it's being encroached. There's a thing here where people talk about bringing your true self to work and there's this sort of sense that you've got this inner self that you should always, always show everybody else. And I think that's kind of. I don't think we should always bring our true self to work. I think that's for the kind of private realm. And the workplace is somewhere where we're our professional selves. We're slightly different. We might be better behaved, better dressed, treat people in a less colloquial and informal way, perhaps call each other sir sometimes or madam or mister or professor, depending on the vocation. But I think that sort of. That has tended to be seen as phony or inauthentic or false or hypocritical. So I'm talking about sort of a distinction between how we behave in private as opposed to how we behave in public.

[Mike Carruthers]

We're talking about privacy, your private life and if you're entitled to one. My guest is Tiffany Jenkins, author of the book Strangers and Intimates the Rise and Fall of Private Life.

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[Mike Carruthers]

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[Tiffany Jenkins]

I think throughout history there have been all sorts of panics around technology which have turned out to be ill founded. So in the 19th century there were big anxieties about kodakers which were instantaneous and portable cameras. So up until that point people had to go to a studio to have their photograph taken. And when the portable camera was invented, people were very concerned that privacy was being invaded. Or in the 20th century, Lyndon Johnson when president suggested a national database which would compile data from like 20 databases. And this was a massive, massive privacy scare. And there were congressional committees set up to investigate it and it never went ahead. But neither of those things really were privacy threats. And I think there's a parallel to today where there's a lot of concern about technology as taking away our privacy. But I don't think that is the main threat. I mean one of the big threats that I see is the way in which people expose each other's private conversations either to make them look bad because we all say silly things in private or things that are pretty horrible. But whether it's, I don't know, the King of England, his son Harry, he exposed the private conversations that he and his father had at his grandfather's funeral in his very, very successful autobiography, Spare. And it's become almost the kind of casual thing that we can do this. And I think that's a terrible invasion of privacy and more one that sort of affects people on a day to day basis because their privacy isn't being respected. And it means that we can't frankly say bad things in private when in a way we should be able to.

[Mike Carruthers]

But it seems like that's been going on forever, that people share secrets and tell private things. Sometimes as a way to bond with people, you know, I know something you don't know and I'm going to include you in the circle of trust here which brings people together. It seems kind of human nature.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

People do, but I think it's kind of become much more accepted. So in Britain, one of our old prime ministers, Boris Johnson, when he had a row with his partner Kerry and the neighbors recorded it and it was put on the front page of the newspaper. So that's not just kind of telling your friends something you probably shouldn't, you probably shouldn't tell them about your own private life. It's sort of, it's become a lot more acceptable. And perhaps another example would be the way in which public figures are discredited because of their private actions. So it's almost as if it's allowable to kind of pull somebody down because of what they've done in private. So in some cases you might think that's quite reasonable, they're a bad character. But I think that there's a kind of invasion of privacy going on that is actually unfortunate because it's essential to have that space behind closed doors to sound off or to be a bit. To behave in a slightly ill advised way to be a better person in public. And there's a sense that we always have to be on and perfect rather than having this sense that actually sometimes you just can be off and go away, let it, let it all out and then come back a better person.

[Mike Carruthers]

It seems like this problem sort of polices itself in one way and that is when you reveal private things, when you tell people about other people's private conversations, as Harry did you, the teller pay a price? As he did, he's taken a real hit to his reputation because people don't respect that. And so whenever you reveal private things to other people, you run the risk of it blowing back on you for being kind of a gossip, I guess. And so maybe you don't do that.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

Yes, and so, in a way, it sort of. It does make my point that I think it's probably a bad thing, it's rebounded negatively on him, and that we should probably pay attention, really, and start. And start thinking about this kind of. This border that, you know, there's a border in all our lives between what is public and private.

[Mike Carruthers]

But everyone's definition of public and private are not the same. I don't think there's a couple alive who hasn't been upset with their partner because their partner revealed something that they thought should have stayed private that the other partner revealed to someone else.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

Yes, it's a very gray area and it changes. It changes across history and across society and in terms of social norms. And obviously individuals have to work it out between themselves. But I would like to see a conversation where we began to think positively about keeping certain material private and developing, if you like, our sort of our inner lives and our intimate relationships. Because I think if you're in a relationship, you know, there's a beginning, particularly at the beginning, where you're testing out whether you like each other. And at some point in that, you tell them something secret, you tell them something that makes you vulnerable. That is a display of trust and it's a bonding exercise. But if we're constantly kind of revealing everything, that will never happen. Intimacy definitely requires seclusion and privacy.

[Mike Carruthers]

There's often people will use that phrase, well, what do you have to hide? That everything should be public? Or more things should be public? And what are you hiding if you don't want people to know? What are you doing that we should know about that you shouldn't be up to.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

That's right. It's a very famous thing, I think Eric Schmidt said when he was head of Google, which is, what's your problem? If you're not doing anything wrong, you've got nothing to hide. I think. Well, I think we've all got something to hide. Not particularly terrible things, but just things that make us look, you know, not brilliant if everybody was to see. But we need that kind of. We need to be able to be slightly, you know, to say silly things, to rant and rave, to be sit around in our pajamas with porridge on our face and not be our best selves. But I also think, as well as the fact that I think we all have something to hide and we wouldn't perhaps be very interesting if we didn't. But I also think some things just the nature changes when everybody can see them, when they're exposed to public view. I Think particularly they're kind of intimate parts of life. But if we're always thinking, what would it look like to people we don't know, to strangers? If we're always thinking about how others see us, perhaps we're not really living in our moment and enjoying the thing for itself. It's like we're just sort of dancing for an audience. But sometimes you just want to, you know, you just want to dance your dance on your own and not worry about how people. People see your moves.

[Mike Carruthers]

Well, what you just said about Eric Schmidt saying, you know, what do you have to hide? Like, if you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. That's so. It so misses the point because there are plenty of things people do that are not wr. But they're sure embarrassing if people knew about them. I mean, I don't know, maybe. Maybe you clean the house naked or, you know, you sing into your hairbrush when you get ready in the morning, or, you know, things that are just private that are you. And it doesn't harm anybody else, and it's certainly not wrong, but it would be embarrassing if other people knew about it.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

There's a safety net, really. It is a sort of. It's a space of freedom, and it's also a space of safety. And if you don't have that, I think, I mean, if you're always being watched or you always think you're being watched, you're never going to do anything new. You probably aren't going to. Probably going to start almost lying to yourself because you just. You're worried all the time about how others see you.

[Mike Carruthers]

So what's the advice, if any, about all of this?

[Tiffany Jenkins]

For a start, history shows that privacy panics are overstated often, so we can relax a little bit about some of the technology. History also shows that privacy does come and go. So although it's not natural, we can feel good about the fact that actually you can claw it back. We can make it happen. And I think we have to start by accepting that we're different or we should be different in private than in public. Draw our own boundaries between how we behave behind closed doors with friends and intimates, and how we behave at work and know that it makes us a better person in public and a better person in private if we have these sort of two realms separated from each other. So it's just like if you, you know, it's the end of the week, you go home, you shut the door, or you turn off your laptop and you just exhale that's when you can be intimate and with your friends and your family and it makes you a better person. When you go back in the office on Monday that you've had that kind of space, I think we have to make the case that don't tell everybody everything. Respect people's privacy, draw your own boundaries, and let's see if we can't erect a more secure division between public and private.

[Mike Carruthers]

Well, I think it's something everybody thinks about and should think about, about the difference between your private self and your public self. And I like what you said about how, you know, having a private life makes you a better person. I've been talking with Tiffany Jenkins. She is a cultural historian and author of the book Strangers and the Rise and Fall of Private Life. And there's a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Tiffany, thank you.

[Tiffany Jenkins]

Oh Mike, thanks very much. It's been a pleasure. The Jack Welch Management Institute at Strayer University helps you go from I know the way to I've arrived with our top 10 ranked online MBA. Gain skills you can learn today and apply tomorrow. Get ready to go from make it happen to made it happen and keep striving. Visit strayer.edu Jack Welchmba to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chevin as many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia. On WhatsApp, no one can see or hear your personal messages. Whether it's a voice call message or sending a password to WhatsApp, it's all just this. So whether you're sharing the streaming password in the family chat or trading those late night voice messages that could basically become a podcast, your personal messages stay between you, your friends and your family. No one else, not even us. WhatsApp message privately with everyone.

[Mike Carruthers]

We all have our own ways of managing our time. Some of us do it pretty well, others of us just wing it moment to moment, and the rest of us are somewhere in the middle. However you manage time, that's how you manage time. And changing it can be pretty tricky, which is why I don't have a lot of time management experts on here with a lot of complicated processes to manage your time because most people aren't going to follow it. But there are some strategies that can help you improve the way you handle your time so you feel like you're getting things done and enjoying time for yourself. And here to explain them is Risa Williams. She's a psychotherapist, writer, speaker and wellness coach who specializes in time management and Goal setting. And she's the author of a book called get stuff done without the stress. Hi Risa. Welcome to something you should know.

[Risa Williams]

Hi, I'm so happy to be here. Thanks so much for having me on.

[Mike Carruthers]

So people come to you because they're having trouble managing time. So what do they tell you? What's the big problem that you hear?

[Risa Williams]

I think the main thing I'm hearing from people across the board is that they're overwhelmed. They never feel done with their to do list and they just keep adding more things to their to do list. So there's never an emotional connection with anything they're doing. There's never this happy and done feeling. One of my clients put it as they feel like they're on a hamster wheel of non stop stress. And I think I'm seeing that in so many different ages for people of so many different backgrounds and working in different occupations. So I think that's the main problem I'm seeing right now. People are really functioning at a high level of stress. They're having trouble organizing things they need to do and prioritizing what's important to them. And even just maintaining a sense of well being and balance is hard for a lot of people these days.

[Mike Carruthers]

I've always subscribe to the philosophy that people do what's really important because you have to do what's really important. And if there are things left on your list that never seem to get done, they kind of by definition can't be that important because you never find the time to do them because you're busy doing the important things.

[Risa Williams]

Right. But I think if we don't make consistent space and time or even really get really honest with ourselves about what is important to us, what gives us that sense of well being and happiness, what are some things that are important for us to do from a quality of life point of view? If we don't make the space and time and get really honest and intentional with ourselves, it's really easy for our weeks to get away from ourselves and we're sort of functioning on autopilot where we're just plugging stuff in and that leads to that feeling I'm talking about at the end of the week where people just don't feel like anything's done and they don't feel feel a sense of relief or accomplishment about any of the things that they've just finished.

[Mike Carruthers]

I remember reading just recently that more than half of all Americans, and it wasn't a lot more than half, but it was more than half, don't have some sort of to do list or schedule for the day kind of thing written down. Maybe in their head they do, but that more than half of people don't have a written plan for the day. Which surprises me just because of my experience that when something's written down, there is a magic that it is more likely to happen than if it's just floating in your head.

[Risa Williams]

Yeah, I think it's true what you're saying. I think a lot of us try to wing it with time, and I tried to do that for many years. I was always trying to wing it with my free time. I had this illusion that, you know, there was work which is pretty much scheduled. For a lot of us, work is pretty. We have a routine and usually those tasks are given to us and we know what we need need to do. But then we have this slot of time called free time, which is sort of this amorphous blob in our heads that we try to pack so many things into. So if you. When I talk about it in my book, I have two boxes and I imagine there's a work box and there's a free time box, if you picture an imaginary box. And we're trying to put so many things in our free time box. We're putting chores and family time and creative hobbies and projects and. And what we're not really getting honest about most of the time is how much time do any of those things take? And how much energy and focus do I need for some of those things? And are some of those things leisure activities where I don't really need to plan it? And are some of those things things I need to make time to focus on to do so? As a writer, for a long time I was trying to wing it with time and just say, sometime in my free time, I'll write that book, or maybe when I have a moment, I'll get around to writing. And what happened was I never ended up writing anything because I wasn't defining focus time. That's a little different than free time. So I think it's about getting really honest with how much time and energy is this going to take? How much focus is this going to take? And do I need to map it out on paper? Would it be beneficial for me to see the little steps and how much time this is going to require for this particular project? And there may be things in your life where you need to do that with and get a little more honest with how much energy and time it's going to take. And there may Be parts of your life where you don't want to do that, where it's perfectly healthy to not map out that time.

[Mike Carruthers]

You know, I know for me that, you know, one of the things that one of the revelations I remember hearing so many years ago that it's always stuck with. Well, I have a couple of them. One is that nothing takes 10 minutes, and the other is that, you know, you have to plan your free time because otherwise it just drips away. If you don't plan it, nothing ever gets done. But as you were saying, we know that we schedule our work time, but if you don't plan your leisure time or your free time, not much happens.

[Risa Williams]

Yeah, it's really easy for the time to get away from us, for us to get distracted. And again, it's about what do you want to put in the free time? So there are certain things, like maybe you're on vacation or you're hanging out with your friends or family. Maybe you don't need to plan that as much. But if you are trying to move certain things ahead, like creative project or household projects or these kinds of things, they really will take up time, energy, and focus. So we have to budget it accordingly and show up at a consistent time to do it, just like we do for our jobs. So I think the approach is you already do this for your job. You already show up at the same slot of time, and it's become a routine. And just because you're showing up at the same time for the same amount of hours, you're naturally progressing. The things you need to do with work, they're naturally happening because you're showing up. We need to see other things in our lives that are important to us in the same light. We need to carve out space and time for them and consistently show up and tell our brain that it's important for us to do this thing. An example I was saying was when I'm trying to write something, I have to slot that time in and treat it as important as my other jobs, or else I can't make any progress on it. It would be really unrealistic for me to just expect my brain to turn on like a light switch anytime I have a break and just be able to type. It takes me a long time to warm up that muscle to boot up the writing computer in my head to be able to write. So I think it's about adopting a kinder approach to yourself and understanding that your brain and body need to get aligned with what you're doing. And we can be A little intentional about deciding what the next segment of time is for and what we're going to do with it.

[Mike Carruthers]

Explain what you mean by focus time. I think I know, but I want to hear you say it.

[Risa Williams]

So I think a lot of people really don't understand how their own focus works. And it's different for every person. So some people, depending on what project you're working on, their focus might not just turn on because they're sitting there staring at a document thinking, oh, I need to do this thing now. So there's something called activation energy, which I talk about. And that's the idea that you have to ramp up the energy before you focus. It's almost like you have to get your brain in the mood to focus before it can focus. So again, this is like carving out space in your schedule so that you have enough time to ramp up your focus, but also getting in the mindset to focus before you do the thing you need to focus on. So there are all sorts of tricks you can use to make it like a game to turn your focus on. It just depends on your own particular brain. It isn't like a one size fits all. So, for example, you may find that movement works really well to turn on your focus. So you may want to go for a walk and think about the thing you have to do next while you're walking. Some people use task sprints. So like a timer, this is where the Pomodoro method would come in for some people, where you give yourself a limit of time that you're going to focus on a task for to turn your focus on to do it. Some people use music as a way to ramp up their energy. So for instance, when I sit down to write, I tend to play the same writing playlist of music because I've trained my brain over the years that when I hear that music, it's time to write. I've created a behavioral association with the music. So I would encourage people listening to think about what, what gets your focus to turn on and how can you get yourself in the mood to focus before you tackle that task ahead of you.

[Mike Carruthers]

And what about time of day? I mean, there are some things that I do better in the morning and, well, there's mostly things I do. I most do anything better in the morning than I do at any other time of the day.

[Risa Williams]

All of us have different times of day when our energy is the best, and it's different for every person. Some people I work with, they're great in the morning. Other people I work with their energy is so clear after dinner and they're ready to go long into the night with working on projects. So I have a tool called the task intensity meter, which asks people to rate tasks by how stressful they are to them. So it would be low, middle, or high intensity. And when I say intensity, it just means how intense is it for you to do that task? So we can do it with anything, like doing the laundry or finishing a work report. What level of intensity is that task for you? And then what I try to do is, if that's a high intensity task for you, what is the best time of day for you to tackle that high intensity task? And often what I find is, I know this sounds obvious enough, but people do the exact opposite of that. They'll save the hardest task for last sometimes, and that's when their energy is the lowest to do it. So it's not a good parent. Or they'll try to put too many high intensity tasks back to back without a break. And then by the end of it, they're so stressed out they're struggling to even get through one step of the last task they have to do.

[Mike Carruthers]

So give me some advice for those times when I'm stuck on something. I mean, it happens to everyone. Where I mean, some things you can manage and handle really easily. But then there are those certain things in your day that are tough. You get stuck, you put it off. So what do you do then?

[Risa Williams]

So often when someone's feeling stuck on something, it isn't the whole thing that's making them feel stuck. It's a piece of the task they need to do. So we'd break it down into the steps you need to complete this task. And then we'd write low, middle, or high next to each step. So L, M or H and we'd look at the pieces that are high intensity of that task for you to complete. And then we start to tackle some of the lower level ones first to ease you into it so that you could tackle the high intensity task. And if you look at your whole day, if you're feeling overwhelmed a lot, just sitting there in the morning and writing out the things you need to do and then rating them as low, middle, high intensity. Sometimes even doing that helps people see easier ways that they can start to rearrange the things they need to do so they're not overwhelming themselves with a lot of stressful things in a row. If it's like you can't rearrange it because it's work and you have a Bunch of meetings that are pre scheduled for you and they're all high intensity for you to do. Then what I advise people to do is take time buffer breaks. Every time you have to do something that really stresses you out or raises it to a high level of intensity for you, you would take a time buffer break, after which is, is a break where you deliberately bring your stress down afterwards and you're kind of intentionally planning it. So you're looking ahead at your schedule thinking, wow, that meeting's going to be usually really stressed out during meetings. And this one I have to present at, so I'm going to be pretty high levels of stress. So I better take at least a 15 or 20 minute break afterwards to let the stress come down. And during those breaks, weeks, it's good to think about bringing the stress down and get really honest about what things bring my stress down. Because so often we're taking breaks, but our stress is staying at the same level throughout the break. So what we're really learning to do is regulate our own stress and learn to find ways to calm ourselves down so that by the end of the day we're not feeling burnt out and overwhelmed from everything we've done.

[Mike Carruthers]

And what are some things you would do during those breaks to bring the stress down?

[Risa Williams]

Things like breathing techniques like doing box breathing works really well for a lot of people in high stress jobs. This is where you take a deep breath in for four seconds, you hold it for four seconds, you exhale for four seconds, and then you hold it for four seconds. So you picture like your breath going around a box and it's easy to do and nobody knows you're doing it. So you can do it in the middle of a meeting or at your desk. They've done plenty of studies that even being in a green space, like around trees and plants and nature for 15 minutes will drop people's cortisol levels by a lot. And the same is true of blue spaces. If you can stare at water, if you have a view of any kind of water, river, pool, anything like that tends to bring people stress down. You have to learn to work with your own body and your own nervous system and try out some little things throughout the day and, and see if you can feel a little bit of relief.

[Mike Carruthers]

Do you think most people have something that they say they want to do that they never seem to get to?

[Risa Williams]

I think a lot of us do. I think a lot of us have an unstated belief that we have more time than we think we do and we have endless Amounts of energy and focus. And there is this kind of idea that, well, I'll get around to it someday, or future me, I'll do it, or future me, I'll start it, or I'll wait for motivation to kick in and then I'll do it to normalize that. I think we all do that to a certain degree. But if you really want to start moving forward on things and you really start getting honest with how long will this actually take to do, how long will it take me to complete that project? What is the actual realistic time frame I have to do that in? And then you start mapping it backwards from, okay, I want to finish this thing in a year. Well, what does that look like in six months? What does that look like in three months, and what does that look like now? I think it gives us that bigger perspective of the journey and all the steps and energy and focus it's going to take each week to get there where we can start to evaluate do I want to do this? Do I want to sign up for this? And if I do, I should probably start moving it forward a few little steps. It's getting that honesty with yourself about a realistic time frame and when you actually want this thing to be finished. By that you're just imagining in your head. It's taking the intangible and making it more tangible. When we write stuff out on paper for ourselves.

[Mike Carruthers]

Yeah. Because I wonder, when people say they want to write a novel, do they really want to write a novel? Or do they want to talk about how one day they're going to write a novel?

[Risa Williams]

Well, some of that is true, right. Like, I think sometimes we talk about things because it's a little less scary than actually doing it, because maybe deep down inside we know that if we were to map that out on paper, wow, that's a lot of pages. And that's going to take a while, and that might take a year. And sometimes what we're craving is the feeling of being done with it. The feeling of, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to tell people about this. I want something to be excited about. So. So we have to imagine where we're going emotionally and why we want to do it and get really clear about, do I want to sign up for this?

[Mike Carruthers]

See, I've always thought that it. Because I know people that I think say they have these big goals of some invention they're working on or some book they're going to write, and they never do it. And my sense is the reason they don't do it. It is. They're afraid that they're going to get to the end and it's going to flop and to leave it in that limbo of one day I will. I'm an inventor, I'm an author, but I never get judged because I never finish it.

[Risa Williams]

Yeah, in a way, it's a way we protect ourselves. It's like self protection. Because if I never start, I won't have to face the uncomfortable bits that come with learning something new or trying something new or putting myself out there. But what I'd like to encourage you to think about is sometimes being stuck feels more uncomfortable than moving forward and navigating that new terrain that is unfamiliar. Because when we move ourselves forward and try new things and grow in this way, our motivation and confidence starts to kick in the more we do it. So we get those rewards eventually of feeling that. Whereas when we're stuck and afraid to go forward because we're protecting ourselves, that is sometimes a worse feeling than moving forward and trying something new and being a beginner at it and learning it as you go. So I think it all goes back to us being a little kinder and gentler with ourselves, not expecting ourselves to be perfect or advanced at something we never tried before, and talking to ourselves as if we're our own friend. You know, often we talk to other people in this way when they start new things. We're very gentle and encouraging and kind to them. And the way we talk to ourselves is completely a different story. It's very harsh. It's very full of unrealistic expectations that we don't have for other people.

[Mike Carruthers]

Yeah, well, I've always thought that, you know, nothing keeps you stuck like being stuck. That without that forward movement, you just get frozen. And then that makes you feel worse, which loses your motivation, which then makes you more stuck. And it's just. And just moving a little bit can reactivate that momentum.

[Risa Williams]

Yeah, I love how you said that. I love what you're saying because I really do believe that motivation tends to strike moving objects. And we have this sometimes an unstated belief that if I just sit around, motivation and inspiration and clarity are all going to find me somehow and strike me like a lightning bolt and then I'll move. But I find it's the other way. It's that when you start moving a little bit, eventually momentum and motivation find you and then carry you forward through the harder stuff. But you do have to take those first easy, tiny little steps forward for any of that to happen.

[Mike Carruthers]

Well, you know, I imagine everybody suspects maybe they could handle their time a little better. And it's good to get some advice from somebody who knows about this stuff. I've been talking with Risa Williams. She is a psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and author of the book Get Stuff Done without the Stress. And there's a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Risa, thank you so much for being here.

[Risa Williams]

Oh, thank you so much. It was wonderful talking to you.

[Mike Carruthers]

If you want to meet somebody in hopes of maybe starting a romance, what's a good opening line? Well, for a study at the University of Alaska, researchers asked 600 respondents to rate the effectiveness of three varieties of opening lines in a flirtatious situation. First was the pickup line, like you must be a librarian because I saw you checking me out. And then the open ended innocuous question like what do you think of this band? Or what team are you rooting for? Or the direct approach like hey, you're cute, can I buy you a drink? The responses were pretty evenly split along gender lines. While men in the study tended to prefer the more direct approach, women tended to prefer the open ended, innocuous what do you think of this band? Or what team are you rooting for? Approach as an opening line. And not surprisingly, very few people liked the pickup line. And that is something you should know when you share this podcast. It does wonderful things. It makes you look smart because you're sharing a podcast that your friends are going to like. And it helps us because it helps spread the word. It helps us get new listeners. It's just a good thing to do. So just hit that share button and send this podcast to someone you know. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to something you should know.

[Risa Williams]

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[Grim Fairy Tales Host]

You might think you know fairy tales and you might think that they are cute and sweet and boring. But the real Grimm fairy tales were not cute at all. They were very dark and they were often very grim. On Grim Grim Grimmer Grimmest we tell a grim fairy tale to a bunch of kids. Perfect for car rides or screen free entertainment. Grim Grimmer Grimmest activates kids imaginations and instigates fun conversations because fairy tales speak to all of us at a very deep, primal level, and they raise interesting topics and questions that are worth chewing over together as a family. Every episode is rated Grim, Grimmer, or Grimmest. So you, your kids, your whole family can choose. What is the right level of Grim for you, Though, if you're listening with Grandma, she's just gonna go for Grimmest. Trust me on this one. Tune in to Grim, Grimmer, Grimmest, and our new season available now.