Podcast Summary: Why People Do or Don’t Like You & The Power of Asking for Help

Podcast: Something You Should Know
Host: Mike Carruthers
Guests: Nicholas Boothman, Wayne Baker
Date: December 29, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Something You Should Know revolves around two interlinked themes: the science and psychology behind likability, and the incredible power—and unexpected difficulty—of asking for help. Host Mike Carruthers talks to Nicholas Boothman about what makes someone instantly likable and how anyone can learn these skills. Later, he speaks with Wayne Baker, an expert on organizational behavior, about why we struggle to ask for help and how doing so can transform both personal and professional lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Makes People Like (or Dislike) You

Guest: Nicholas Boothman, Author of How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less

First Impressions Happen Fast

• Humans decide within the first two seconds whether they like someone ([05:42]).
  • “The truth is that we decide how we feel about someone in the first two seconds of seeing them or hearing them. If it's on the phone, it's just part of the fight or flight response.” – Nicholas Boothman ([05:42])
• Much of this is subconscious and based on survival instincts—fight, flight, mate, or ignore.

Mixed Messages Are Problematic

• We trust people whose visual (body language), vocal (tone), and verbal (words) signals match.
  • Mixed signals, such as smiling while angry, make people uncomfortable ([06:46]).
  • “What does freak us out are mixed messages. When your voice, tone, words and body language are all saying the same thing, we tend to trust you.” – Nicholas Boothman ([06:46])

The Power of Body Language

• Eye contact, smiling, and open body language build rapport instantly. These cues universally signal approachability and confidence.
• Symmetry in facial features also makes people naturally more attractive and approachable ([07:50]–[08:47]).

Attitude is Everything

• Attitude—the “energy” you project—is the most critical factor for likability and success, as it drives not only your behavior, but how others react to you ([11:04]).
  • “It's your attitude more than anything else that determines your success or failure. Your attitude not only drives your behavior, it drives other people's behavior.” – Nicholas Boothman ([11:04])
• You’re a “genius until you open your mouth”—words must match your attitude.

Common Ground and Conversation Starters

• People like those who are like themselves—finding small points of common ground accelerates rapport ([12:06]).
  • “As soon as you find common ground, you've cracked it. You've made a great first impression.” – Nicholas Boothman ([12:11])
• Use statements followed by open-ended questions to spark real conversation.
  • Example: “I hear New York’s a fantastic place. If I only had half a day, what should I see?” ([13:19])

Building Confidence & Overcoming Fear

• Confidence isn’t innate; it’s learned. Most fears surrounding social interaction are acquired, not inborn ([19:45]).
  • “We had to learn to have no confidence. We were all born with just two fears…the rest are learned.” – Nicholas Boothman ([19:45])
• Confident people are comfortable with rejection and failure.
• “There’s no such thing as failure. There’s only feedback...there’s no such thing as rejection, only selection.” ([19:45])

Practical Tips for Instant Likability

• Prepare your attitude: be welcoming, curious, enthusiastic, or warm.
• Make eye contact (notice their eye color), smile, and open your body language (expose your heart, uncross arms).
• Start with simple, situational comments (“I had an awful time parking today. What about you?”).

The Magic of ‘Talking in Color’

• Make your words vivid and multisensory; use metaphors and stories (“I tap dance to work” – Warren Buffett).
• “Stories are to the human mind what food and fresh air are to the body. We just crave stories.” – Nicholas Boothman ([24:22])

Break Out of Your Comfort Zone

• Challenge yourself to say “hello” to three strangers today and aim for three rejections—that’s how you grow confidence ([26:18]).

On the Importance of Talking to Strangers

• Avoiding strangers limits all life’s opportunities ([27:25]).
  • “Talking to strangers isn’t just the right thing to do. It’s a matter of survival.” – Nicholas Boothman ([27:25])
• Replace “don’t talk to strangers” with advice about which strangers to approach in need.

Memorable Quotes – Likability Segment

• “When people like you, they tend to see the best in you and what you represent. When we don’t like them, the opposite is true.” – Nicholas Boothman ([09:19])
• “You’re a genius until you open your mouth.” – Nicholas Boothman ([11:04])
• “Make it your goal to get rejected three times. Everything you do in life... you’re going to need a stranger’s help to do that.” – Nicholas Boothman ([26:18])

The Power of Asking for Help

Guest: Wayne Baker, Professor, University of Michigan; Author of All You Have to Do Is Ask

Why Asking for Help Matters

• Asking for help boosts productivity, creativity, and overall performance—individually and organizationally ([31:12]).
  • “The research is very clear that that’s what leads to superior performance for an Individual, for a team, or even for an organization.” – Wayne Baker ([31:12])

Barriers to Asking

• Main reason: fear of seeming incompetent, weak, or needy ([31:59]).
• In reality, research shows that thoughtful requests actually increase perceptions of competence ([31:59]).
• The real barrier to generosity isn’t unwillingness to help—it’s that people don’t ask ([32:46]).

People Are More Willing to Help Than You Think

• Study: Asking strangers for help (e.g., borrowing a cell phone) is often successful within the first or second request ([33:34]).
  • “Most people do want to help as long as you ask.” – Wayne Baker ([33:34])
• Being asked for help also flatters the helper ([34:48]).

How to Ask: The ‘SMART’ Request Method

• S: Specific – Make your request concrete to trigger helpful memories/connections.
• M: Meaningful – Explain why—how it helps you, your boss, your goals ([35:09]).
• A: Action – Ask for something actionable.
• R: Strategically Realistic – Request within the realms of possibility (“stretch” requests are fine).
• T: Time/deadline – Include a specific deadline.

Finding Balance: Don’t Be a ‘Sponge’ or a ‘Lone Wolf’

• Four types: ‘giver requester’ (ideal), ‘lone wolf’ (neither gives nor asks), ‘overly generous giver’ (gives, doesn’t ask—risk burnout), ‘selfish taker’ (asks but never gives) ([37:19]).
• “The most effective people are in the giver requester category.” – Wayne Baker ([37:19])

Who to Ask? Think Broadly

• Don’t limit yourself to your immediate circle—try the “two-step” approach (ask someone who knows someone).
• Dormant connections (people you haven’t spoken to in years) are surprisingly willing, and often have new, different resources ([39:24]).

Handling Rejection

• A ‘no’ is often just information—it’s not personal ([44:50]).
  • “Sometimes the explanation for the no is something you didn’t expect at all. So think of a no as information that you can use to refine a request to make a more effective one later on.” – Wayne Baker ([44:50])
• Most fears of rejection are overblown; actual refusals are rare.

Why Don’t We Learn to Ask?

• Educational systems foster individual achievement, discouraging asking for help, which later becomes a barrier in adult life ([42:40]).

What Kind of Help Can You Ask For?

• Advice, connections, resources, social support, financial backing, sponsorships, mentorships, etc.—identify your real need ([43:45]).

Memorable Quotes – Asking for Help Segment

• “People will think you are more competent, not less, as long as you make a thoughtful request.” – Wayne Baker ([31:59])
• “It’s the ask that’s the catalyst or the driver of the whole giving, receiving process.” – Wayne Baker ([32:46])
• “Most of your dormant connections are delighted to hear from you again and they are delighted that you’re reactivating the connection...what they know and who they know is really quite different from you.” – Wayne Baker ([39:24])
• “Work is a team sport. The only way you’re going to be effective is to overcome the reluctance to ask for what you need.” – Wayne Baker ([42:40])

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “The truth is that we decide how we feel about someone in the first two seconds of seeing them or hearing them.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [05:42]

• “When your voice, tone, words and body language are all saying the same thing, we tend to trust you.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [06:46]

• “It’s your attitude more than anything else that determines your success or failure.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [11:04]

• “As soon as you find common ground, you’ve cracked it.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [12:11]

• “If you don’t speak up, you’re invisible. And that’s what makes all the difference.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [18:07]

• “Stories are to the human mind what food and fresh air are to the body.”
  — Nicholas Boothman, [24:22]

• “The research is very clear that that’s what leads to superior performance for an Individual, for a team, or even for an organization.”
  — Wayne Baker, [31:12]

• “Most people do want to help as long as you ask.”
  — Wayne Baker, [33:34]

• “The most effective people are in the giver requester category.”
  — Wayne Baker, [37:19]

• “A ‘no’ is information you can use to refine your request to make a more effective one later on.”
  — Wayne Baker, [44:50]

Important Segment Timestamps

• [05:20] - Nicholas Boothman joins for the likability interview
• [05:42] - Instant impressions and how they work
• [06:46] - Why mixed messages create distrust
• [08:47] - The mechanics of communicating likability
• [11:04] - The function of attitude in first impressions
• [12:11] - The critical role of finding common ground
• [13:19] - Conversation starters and practical steps
• [18:07] - Confidence is learned; the significance of speaking up
• [19:45] - Overcoming fear and the myth of innate shyness
• [21:55] - Nonverbal cues and adjusting your attitude
• [24:22] - The importance of sensory-rich storytelling
• [27:25] - Why talking to strangers is vital for success
• [30:55] - Wayne Baker joins for the help-seeking discussion
• [31:12] - Asking for help leads to better outcomes
• [31:59] - Why people resist asking
• [33:34] - Study: How willing people really are to help
• [35:09] - The 'SMART' method for help requests
• [37:19] - The four “helping” archetypes
• [39:24] - Who to ask, and how dormant connections help
• [44:50] - Rejection, and how to make it useful

Summary & Takeaways

• Likability is not luck—it’s a practical skill. First impressions form in seconds, but you can shape them with attitude, body language, and meaningful conversation.
• Confidence is built, not inherent. Practice is key; aim to get comfortable with small risks and even small failures.
• Asking for help isn’t just okay—it’s often necessary. Most people want to help; prepare and make your asks specific and meaningful.
• Balance between giving and requesting is essential. Avoid being a martyr or a ‘sponge’; embrace being a ‘giver requester.’
• Nurture and reactivate forgotten relationships. Your ‘dormant connections’ can be invaluable.
• Don’t fear rejection—it’s often just information. Use it to refine your requests and interactions going forward.

The episode demonstrates that both likability and seeking help are not about personality or luck, but about systems and small courageous actions that anyone can learn and master.