← Something You Should Know
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- [00:03]
Mike Carruthers
Today on something you should know. Why are things priced at 1999 instead of $20 then? Human memory. Your memory is inaccurate a lot of the time.
- [00:15]
Gillian Murphy
We have good research to suggest that actually we've gotten to the point that we should get to, which is these memories that are imperfect, but they are perfectly imperfect in that we forget things in a way that helps us to be happier.
- [00:30]
Mike Carruthers
Also, how can your dishwash cause allergies? And how to navigate the hard times in life and in love so you can learn to love better.
- [00:40]
Young Pueblo
The difficult moments in life, they're going to change at some point. That no storm in the history of the universe has lasted forever. So that means the tough times in your life, the dark moments in your life, they'll have a beginning and an end, which, when you really embrace that truth, it makes it a little easier to move through the storm.
- [00:56]
Mike Carruthers
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- [02:41]
Narrator
World'S top experts, and practical advice you can use in your life today. Something you should know with Mike Carruthers.
- [02:51]
Mike Carruthers
Why are things we buy priced so strangely? Why is it $19.99 and not $20? Why is gas $3.25, 910 of a cent per gallon? Well let's talk about that. Hi, welcome to another episode of Something youg Should Know. We all know that 5999 is closer to $60 than it is to $50. Or do we? Economist Tim Hartford describes something called the left digit effect. That's the theory that consumers we can't be bothered to read the whole price. We just see the five at the front of $59.99, and we think more like $50 than $60, which is exactly why retail stores price things this way. But it gets more interesting. Two professors of marketing conducted five experiments and found that different prices are evaluated in different ways. For instance, consumers are more inclined to buy luxury or recreational products if they have rounded prices. So, for example, consumers prefer a $40 bottle of champagne rather than a bottle priced at $39.72. However, for purchases that are more utilitarian, like say, a calculator, participants were more likely to buy at the higher non rounded price, like $29.99 instead of $30. In another experiment, participants were told that a camera had been purchased for leisure, like a family vacation or other. Participants were told it was for a class project and the participants preferred rounded prices if the camera was for a vacation and non rounded prices if it was for a class project. And that is something you should know. A topic of never ending fascination for me is memory. Because who you are, what you think of yourself, how you relate to others, all these things are the result of memories. I mean, without memories, who would you be? And yet our memory system is severely flawed. We don't remember things the way we like to think we do. Not even close. And that has ramifications for all of us, which you're about to discover from my guest, Gillian Murphy. Gillian is an associate professor in the School of Applied Psychology at University College, Cork, and she is co author of a book called Memory the Perfectly Imperfect Ways We Remember. Hi Gillian. Welcome to Something youg Should Know.
- [05:31]
Gillian Murphy
Thank you so much for having me, Mike.
- [05:33]
Listener
So I imagine we should probably start by talking about what memory is and all that. But I'm gonna jump over that. We'll come back to that later. Because there's something I've always wanted to know about memory and I think most people wanna know is, you know how some people are labeled as oh, he a great memory. What is that? Why do some people have great memories? Or is that just they remember some things really well or do some people really have great memories?
- [06:06]
Gillian Murphy
Really interesting question to start with because you've kind of stumbled into a huge Debate. I think that would be active amongst memory researchers. Like, there's a few questions within that. And I know we all have that experience of saying so and so has such a good memory. They're amazing. And I suppose if you think about, you know, what we're often referring to in that regard would be maybe that they're really good at remembering trivia. I would say that about my dad. My dad is someone that I would want on my pub quiz team. He's one of those people that seems to know something about everything and he just retains information and he reads a lot, and so he just seems to absorb it. Whereas other people, I suppose, like you said, maybe would describe an event and would be extremely confident in their memories. They would say, you were there and she was there and you were wearing your brown shoes. And they seemed to have an amazing memory. Maybe for personal events rather than for trivia.
- [07:02]
Listener
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about is that because, you know, I've gone to, like, reunions and stuff, and people say, you remember that time when we did the thing, and then a couple years before that you did the.
- [07:14]
Mike Carruthers
And I don't have.
- [07:15]
Listener
And then when they say it, it starts to. It starts to trigger something where I go, oh, yeah, actually I do. But they remember the details, like you said, they remember the shoes and the thing. And I wonder, how do you hold on to that?
- [07:31]
Gillian Murphy
We definitely differ in that regard. Some people are kind of better at that than others. But there's a lot of other factors going on there. I think the main one is that typically you don't have any means of checking whether or not that person is correct. They might just be very confident in their memories. And like you say, it might ring a bell with you when you hear it, but that might just be, you know, they might just be making suggestions to you and you're kind of actually going along with them. So that's one thing we do know about memory, is we're very good at building memories in response to suggestion. And it's surprisingly easy to actually plant memories in people's minds. And it probably happens to most of us more often than we would expect.
- [08:13]
Listener
So let's get back to a more realistic, fundamental question. And that is, what happens when I recall when I remember an event, when I remember a conversation, when I remember something, what's going on there? What is happening that makes me remember what I remember, whether it's true or not?
- [08:34]
Gillian Murphy
Maybe before I tell you the scientific answer for it, maybe you might think for yourself, what do you think is happening. If you were to think of a metaphor, what do you feel like you're doing in your brain when you remember, I don't know, the last time you went to the movies, something like that. If I ask you that question now, what does it feel like? Does it feel like you're looking for something and you pick it up like a file or like a book?
- [08:58]
Listener
Yeah, it feels like I thumb through, mentally thumb through and find the file of that memory, and I pull it up and go, oh, yeah, so we went to that. We went in theater number seven, and I got popcorn and ba ba ba. Yeah, that's what it is.
- [09:13]
Gillian Murphy
Yeah. So for me, that's what it feels like too. And I think a lot of people think of it like pulling a book off a library shelf. Or maybe if you're a digital native, you might think of it as searching through, you know, documents on your computer. And we pull it out and we look at it and we put it back. And that's what it feels like to us, because I suppose that's the closest kind of analogy that we have to it, and it helps us make sense of it. But, you know, our brains are so much more incredible than a library or, you know, a computer. And it's hard for. For us to understand. And sometimes neuroscientists say if the brain were so simple that we could easily understand it, we would be too stupid to understand it. And I think about that a lot when I think about things like memory, because what we actually know is happening is it is not this kind of search and retrieval, locate an object kind of process. Even though that's what most of us think, it feels like it's actually the case that your memories, like your memory for the last time you went to the movies, it's not stored in any one spot in your brain. Actually, all the elements of that memory are stored all across your brain. So kind of who you were with and what the movie was and what the smell was and what temperature it was in the theater, all of that is kind of dispersed across your brain. And when you remember it, you are basically combining all of those elements together. You're picking up all the little pieces. You know, it's kind of like building a Lego tower. You're picking up all those little blocks and you're building it together and building a memory. So psychologists would talk about memory as a constructive process or a reconstructive process over time. And I suppose if you think of that process, even though it might go against what it naturally Feels like if you can believe me when I say that that is what happens, then it becomes very easy to understand how memories might change and distort over time. Because you're not just pulling something off a shelf, you're actually building something. So. So you might leave out a block next time that you build it, or you might add in a block that's not actually supposed to be there.
- [11:16]
Listener
I remember hearing, of course, it's my memory that remembers this, so. But I remember hearing somebody say, and that this is why memories distort, is that when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered it, rather than the actual event that you're remembering the remembering. And over time, the remembering of the remembering distorts.
- [11:43]
Gillian Murphy
Yes, exactly. So sort of on a neural basis, when I talk about gathering up all of those Lego pieces together, if you think of it on a neural basis. So in your brain, down at the cellular level, when you connect up all of those individual Lego pieces, you're kind of forging connections between them. Think of it like wearing a path across grass, right? You're kind of developing a route that connects those things. And so even if you've accidentally added in a Lego block that doesn't really belong there, the next time you remember it, you're actually quite likely to also go down that same path and retrieve it again and include it in the build again because it becomes part of that pathway. And this all sounds very technical, but in a day to day life experience, I think most of us know what that feels like. A memory maybe changes or distorts in some way initially and then it becomes kind of cemented. So you might have stories that you tell amongst your family or your friends or with your partner. And, you know, you might realize later that there's something really inaccurate in that memory. And then you look back and think, God, you know, we've been telling it that way for many years and that's the way we have come to remember that event. Things kind of crystallize, you know, both in your brain and then obviously socially, because you develop this kind of shared understanding with someone else based on the way that you've been telling that story.
- [13:04]
Listener
Yeah, I had an experience not long ago that many years ago when I was in college, my roommate made this appetizer, this dip, and it was so good that I've made it and I've given the recipe to people and I make it all the time, and I'm very true to the original recipe. He came over once, years later, and brought the dip that he said was the original recipe. It was nothing like the original recipe. And he told me I was wrong and I told him he was wrong. And I know I'm right, but I think he knows he's right.
- [13:45]
Gillian Murphy
Sometimes, you know, people say you can never step into the same river twice because the river is not the same and you are not the same. I think it's kind of the same with memory. You know, you can never taste the same dip twice because you have changed, your, your taste buds have changed, society has changed. And most importantly, possibly one or both of your memory of what that dip used to taste like has probably changed too. But I mean, ultimately, you know, when we do understand memory and we come to understand and appreciate the way that it works, I think we can learn to let go of this desire that we have to sort of fight for our memories and be able to step back in a situation like that and say, hmm, that's interesting. We have a different memory of it. But that's okay. You know, that's not actually how our memories were designed to work. They're not designed to be video cameras. And this is one small instance in the course of your life where that throws up a problem. But you know, most of the time it doesn't and it's fine.
- [14:43]
Mike Carruthers
We're talking about how memory does and doesn't work. And my guest is Gillian Murphy, author of the book Memory the Perfectly Imperfect Ways We Remember.
- [14:53]
Listener
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- [14:55]
Mike Carruthers
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- [18:37]
Gillian Murphy
Yeah, kind of. Yeah. In a way you're answering your own question there because I suppose, what does it mean to remember something? Well, I think sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that having a good memory or remembering something well means remembering it absolutely accurately with every single detail. There are so many movies and TV shows with these characters, with these perfect memories, like photographic memories. And it's always presented as a good thing. And, you know, there's no such thing as photographic memory or eidetic memory. But also, I suppose what we've learned is that there's a very good reason that we didn't evolve that way. And it's not that we are imperfectly evolved as a species or that we haven't got there yet we have good research to suggest that actually we've gotten to the point that we should get to which. Which is these memories that are imperfect seemingly on the surface, but they are perfectly imperfect in that we forget things in a way that helps us to be happier and we misremember things in ways that helps us maintain bonds with people. And overall, in particular, memory is a resource intensive process and it's kind of expensive if you think of it that way, for your body to run, your brain is expensive for your body to run in terms of resources. And so the most important thing is that it's efficient. So you don't need to remember every single detail of your life. And if you did remember every single detail, then finding the information that you need would become really difficult. So I suppose my main answer to that is to challenge the idea of what does it mean to remember something? Well, does it mean to remember it like a video camera with loads of detail, or does it mean to remember in a way that serves you and helps you to survive and thrive? And I would argue it's the latter.
- [20:33]
Listener
When I think, and I think when most people remember their childhood or remember the past, they tend to remember it fondly that they remember the good times. And yet when we look in the future, we tend to worry about it. We worry about the bad that might happen in the future, but the past we think of fondly. Is that you think a fair statement?
- [20:57]
Gillian Murphy
Yeah, it is. And I suppose in looking back fondly, that often means we're not doing so accurately, and that's okay. I was just telling some students the other day a story about when I was a child. My parents had this like broken down old car and they bought us tickets to go and see this Power Rangers show. It was like a, you know, like a circus kind of outdoor show, but it was Power Rangers. And I was really young, like maybe four or five, and I have two older brothers. And it was taking place like an hour or two away from where we live. And we were on the way there and something broke in the car, in this terrible car that we had. And the windscreen wipers stopped working and it was lashing rain, like torrential rain. And so we couldn't drive. And so we pulled over and we were all upset. We were small kids and we wanted to go to this show. And my parents went into a petrol station and came back out with some shoelaces and they tied them around the windscreen wipers and they had one each. And they developed a sort of pulley system to make the windscreen wipers work enough. We were nearly there to get us there safely. And we got to Power Rangers and we were delighted. And we tell this story a lot. And certainly as an adult, I look back now and I think it's an example of how my parents would do anything for us. And they always made things happen, even if they didn't have necessarily the resources to make things happen. They had a. A can do spirit that I really appreciate as an adult and as a parent now. But I was telling someone this the other day, and I really thought about it, and I thought, you know, I was four or five years old. Of course, I wasn't laughing and happy at the fact that I was sitting in the backseat of the car and the rain was coming in and it was freezing and we were late. And when I really thought about it, I think actually we were complaining and whinging in the back of the car through this whole episode. Even though when I look back on it now, I see it as this kind of triumphant solution that my parents came up with. And I think a lot of us have that experience, and maybe as we become parents ourselves and as we get older, we look back with maybe a more shrewd eye, and we realize that maybe that didn't go exactly as we thought it might have gone. But there are huge benefits to that. You know, I enjoy that memory, and it shapes how I think of our family and how I think of my parents and. And the two things feed into each other because I think of my parents as in this particular way. That probably is why I have misremembered that event, because I'm misremembering it in line with who they are and what they're like. And I think that's ultimately a really good thing. And like I say, there's not necessarily a lot to be gained by having a perfectly accurate memory of that scenario when the inaccurate memory actually might be very adaptive and functional in its own way.
- [23:48]
Listener
So we've up till now been talking about memory as something really to observe and to notice and to look at, but not something that we control. Do we control it? Can we make it better? Can we do things to manipulate our memory or to remember things better, or is it just something to observe?
- [24:12]
Gillian Murphy
It's kind of both, I suppose, in that most of the things you can probably do to improve your memory would be, you know, if there are things you really want to remember, you should think about them often. You know, that would be if you. If you go back to what we spoke about at the beginning there, if you think of that LEGO tower being built and things being constructed, you know, the more often you revisit a memory, the more solid it's going to stay. It still will change. You know, there's no perfect way that you can guard against your memories changing. But I would say the most important thing is kind of just to make peace with that fact that, that you forgetting things and misremembering things is the way that it's supposed to work, and that's okay. And maybe sometimes experiences and memories are all the more beautiful because they are fleeting. And I think that's, you know, some people might feel that some people wouldn't. But I think it is most important that you kind of accept that that is how memory works. And you have some humility, like I say, with not arguing with your spouse about whether or not such and such a thing happened. You know, that it's okay to meet in the middle and say, look, we have different memories about this, and that's okay.
- [25:22]
Listener
I wonder if ever a memory researcher has asked a group of people, is there something about your memory that seems really unusual to you? If people have something like, I can remember every phone number I've ever had since the time I was 5 years old. And I'm not a numbers guy, I'm not a math guy, I don't work with numbers and I don't remember other numbers, but I can remember every phone number I've ever had, and I don't know why.
- [25:56]
Gillian Murphy
A really good question, asking people, you know, are you different? Are you special in some particular way? And I think for a lot of people, they would jump to the negative. You know, when you ask most people about their memory, a lot of us tend to focus on the flaws. They say, oh, I'm terrible at faces, or I just can't remember phone numbers, or I'm terrible at general knowledge. A lot of us do jump towards our flaws, but like you say, it could be interesting to ask people, what are you particularly good at? What is your niche talent when it comes to memory? Yeah, I think. I think, you know, we all store memories in different ways, and we all revisit different kinds of memories in different ways as well. We will tend to be better and clearer at remembering the memories that we often go back to. And, you know, we all know people are different in these ways. Some people are really nostalgic, and some people really kind of enjoy kind of soaking in the past and thinking about the past. And some people, you know, really really hate it and don't want to look backwards, always want to look forwards. So we all differ in so many different dimensions. I'd say, in relation to this, that that's why we see such huge variation. But, yeah, that's. That's why I'm so interested in memory, and it's the topic I choose to study. I just think it's fascinating, and it affects every area of our lives.
- [27:14]
Mike Carruthers
Yeah, well, it is your life. I mean, your whole life is a memory.
- [27:17]
Listener
I mean, how you choose to remember it.
- [27:22]
Gillian Murphy
Absolutely. And, you know, sometimes if. Sometimes someone will say to me, like, why memory? You know, you could study any aspect of psychology, why memory? And I often think, you know, think who you would be if we took away your memories, if you didn't have any. And sometimes people will think of Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia as a way of thinking about this and think how much you lose when you lose your memories. You know, everything that makes you who you are, your preferences, your dreams, your fears, your hopes, your friends, your personality, all of it really rests on memory. There's very little that you can still have without, you know, some form of memory. So really, to study memory, I would say, is to study humans, how we are who we are and how we use those memories every day to just kind of get through the world and live happy and fulfilling lives.
- [28:15]
Mike Carruthers
Well, it's kind of refreshing to hear because you know how people complain about.
- [28:18]
Listener
Their memory and they don't remember.
- [28:20]
Mike Carruthers
And as you've been pointing out for the last 20 minutes, that's okay. You're not supposed to remember everything. And not remembering everything is perhaps a much better way to go. Gillian Murphy has been my guest. She is an associate professor in the School of Applied Psychology at University College, Cork, and she's author of a book called Memory the Perfectly Imperfect Ways We Remember. And you can find a link to that book at Amazon in the show notes. Jillian, thank you for coming on and talking about this.
- [28:54]
Gillian Murphy
Great. Thank you so much.
- [28:56]
Mike Carruthers
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- [30:33]
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- [31:24]
Mike Carruthers
When you think about your relationships, whether with a lover, a friend, a relative, whoever, would you say that you love well? That you are good at the art and practice of loving? Or perhaps you tend to hold onto things. You hold grudges. Maybe you can't let things go. How can all of us be better at our relationships by loving better? Here to discuss this is Young Pueblo. He's been featured on Good Morning America, the Today Show, CBS Mornings and a lot of other media outlets. He is a mediator and best selling author. His latest book is called how to Love Better the Path to Deeper Connection through Growth, Kindness and Compassion. Hi Young, welcome. Glad to have you on.
- [32:11]
Listener
Something you should know.
- [32:12]
Young Pueblo
Hey Mike, thank you so much for having me on.
- [32:14]
Mike Carruthers
So explain what you mean by loving better. Better than what? What does that look like to love better? What does it feel like?
- [32:23]
Listener
What is loving better?
- [32:24]
Young Pueblo
You know, we've been so impacted by Romantic comedies and how, you know, what we see on television and it just makes love look so easy. But the reality of love, especially when you talk to people who've been married for, you know, 20, 30, 40 years, it's like, of course there, there are consistent disagreements, Similar fights will pop up over and over again. But they've learned, they developed their own sort of systems, their own culture between the two of them to be able to handle that so that there's some productiveness coming out of these arguments.
- [32:56]
Mike Carruthers
So what you just said, I mean.
- [32:57]
Listener
I think if you were to ask people, do you understand the value of letting go?
- [33:03]
Mike Carruthers
People would say, yes, that, yeah, there's no point in holding on to things.
- [33:06]
Listener
It isn't that they don't believe that it would be helpful.
- [33:10]
Mike Carruthers
They just don't know how to do it.
- [33:11]
Listener
Like, how do you not hold on to something that you've been holding on to? Because your tendency is to hold on to things.
- [33:19]
Young Pueblo
Yeah, the mind loves to cling and it will sort of slip into attachment very unconsciously. And I think it's hard. You know, I wish I can give people an easy answer that like, oh, these are the five steps of letting go. And for any mind on the earth, this is what you can follow and do. But that's just not realistic. I think one of the special things that we, that we don't quite fully accept and understand about this historical moment is that there are so many different modalities that people are encountering and using and utilizing to really improve their lives. And, you know, through different therapy methods, you can learn how to let go. Through different forms of meditation, you can learn how to let go. Even through self reflection and simple acceptance of the past and letting it, letting the past be what it is. But I think we live in a special time where people know that they should let go. They know that the idea of letting go would be beneficial in their lives. And then they find their own route to get to that point.
- [34:19]
Listener
So I think, you know, certainly in any relationship, whether it's a love relationship or, you know, family or whatever, that when there are arguments, when there are fights, things get said and things happen that are hard to take back. And many of us anyway don't fight well, that we don't understand what we're really doing. We just kind of want to make our point and have everybody agree. But so seldom does everyone agree even that.
- [34:51]
Young Pueblo
Right. We were talking about that sort of like evolutionary tendency and it feels almost animalistic when you are, you know, you've fallen into an argument. And all of a sudden you feel like you're in a battle, and the only option is to gain dominance, to, like, you know, have your viewpoint, be the dominant one and for the other person to yield. And what my wife and I learned over trial and error and over years of making this. These mistakes, is that when we're both trying to win, we actually both lose. You know, we leave the argument dissatisfied. And sure, you know, there are times when people have to apologize, but there's still a great value in switching the framework from trying to win to trying to understand each other and taking. Literally taking a moment to try to understand where she's coming from. Understand, like, you know, how did the series of events move for her and get to this point and how. And, you know, why is she feeling like this in this moment? And then simultaneously her giving me that opportunity to share and show, you know, how I got to this point. And there's this magic that happens when you really try to understand each other, because when you can really see a person and where they're coming from, yes, there may still be a need for accountability, for apologies, but the attention fizzles out and evaporates much more easily when you can see each other clearly.
- [36:17]
Listener
And when you figured that out, was it a moment where you went, oh, I get it. Or was this because no one would disagree with, you know, being able to hear the other person and understand and put your, you know, nobody disagrees with that. It's just so hard to, like, see it in the moment.
- [36:35]
Young Pueblo
You know, it happened over weeks and months. A lot of the times what would happen is that our minds, you know, we'd wake up in the morning and we weren't really aware of how we felt. And then whatever tension we were feeling in the mind would try to make itself into more tension. And they would try to find reasons to figure out, how is this tension, in my mind, her fault and vice versa. And it was a very interesting dynamic where we found that in both our minds, we would try to jump through hoops to be able to blame each other. And, you know, sometimes. Sometimes it was legitimate, but a lot of the times it wasn't. And. And what we found to counteract that was, okay, how about when we wake up in the morning, let's just let each other immediately know how we feel. Like, oh, I feel good today, or, you know, I'm feeling a little sick, or I'm feeling tired, or, you know, what happened at work the previous day is still nagging me. Just having a little bit more of information. Like, now that I know, if she's feeling down to me, it's like, oh, great. Now I know that I, you know, have to support her a little better through the day, move around her a little more gently and just like, give her her space if that's what she needs. And I think that it's been really helpful.
- [37:49]
Listener
What a great idea. I mean, I'm going to do that. I mean, that's such a simple thing to do, to just check in, in the morning and see how each other feels. And then, because you don't know, and so you start making assumptions that. Based on absolutely nothing, that could set off all kinds of problems. It's so unnecessary.
- [38:13]
Young Pueblo
Yeah, Mike. And it's. It's devastatingly simple, right? It's like, so, so simple, but we forget that we can just speak it. And there's so much power in, you know, if I'm the one that's feeling down that day, or I feel a lot of anxiety moving through me or sadness or, you know, whatever emotion it could be. But in the act of naming it, I'm helping myself and I'm helping her. Like, I'm becoming fully aware. Okay. You're accepting how you feel, and you're aware of it. So be mindful of what's happening in your mind. What stories is your mind creating to make that feeling worse? And simultaneously, she has the information she needs to, you know, for the both of us to be on a, you know, on good footing with each other.
- [38:56]
Mike Carruthers
Talk about impermanence, because I think that's an important part of your message here.
- [39:01]
Young Pueblo
Yeah. So impermanence, what I really mean is just the fundamental law of change. Right. Like in this universe that we live in, everything is constantly changing. At the atomic level, the biological level, the cosmological level, Everything is in motion.
- [39:16]
Listener
It's.
- [39:17]
Young Pueblo
It's changing. And when you start really embracing that, you see that the difficult moments in life, like, they're going to change at some point, that no storm in the history of the universe has lasted forever. These, you know, storms have a beginning and they have an end. So that means the tough times in your life, the dark moments in your life, they'll have a beginning and an end, which, when you really embrace that truth, it makes it a little easier to move through the storm. Similarly, all good moments also have a beginning and an end. And what that does, instead of scaring you and making you feel fearful that everything good that you like will go away, it actually should inspire you to be more present because, you know, the moments that I have with my parents, the moments that I have with friends, like, I don't. Those moments are not infinite. So if I'm with them, let me be very aware and present with them so that I can really enjoy that connection. And I think with like, in terms of, like, a daily example, my wife is also like, we're a team together. So a lot of life has just become problem solving together. So if we have some issue with the car or something happens, and instead of just reacting with anger, it's like, okay, let's slow down a second and let's see. Let's like, calmly figure out what we need to do to, like, move this situation forward. Like, who do we need to call and find some solution where we would have done that anyways. But instead of, like, rolling in anger and rolling intention, we solve it with a little more peace.
- [40:51]
Listener
What do you do, though? Or what do you recommend people do, though? Because this must happen even to you, who works at this clearly has a plan where you're just disagree. You just disagree that, you know, you want this and she wants that. And it isn't like we're working on it together. We're in opposite ends of the spectrum here.
- [41:14]
Young Pueblo
Now, what I think what we try to do is we check in with, like, how important is it to you? You know, it could be something minimal where it's like, do you want to watch this movie? Do you want to watch that movie? And it just depends on who wants it more and who cares about it more. And usually we let that person take the lead. And if it's something really oppositional, you know, if it's like a big work decision or something like that, I think we try to find a middle ground that actually feels good to the both of us. And if there's something that, like, you know, she totally disagrees with, then, like, I trust her wisdom. And I will, like, really take into account and sort of examine in myself, like, am I missing something here? And we'll have longer conversations about it. But normally if it's something small, we let whoever cares about it more take the lead. And if it's something big, you know, we'll. We'll just. We don't. We don't mind slowing down before we make a final decision.
- [42:14]
Listener
How do you decide who wants it more?
- [42:17]
Young Pueblo
I think it's easy. It's like I check in within myself if it's, you know, if she really wants to watch Pitch Perfect, like, it's not my favorite movie, but if that's. What if she. She really feels like she wants to enjoy it, then it's fine with me. I think we both just sort of check in. Like, how is my sort of inner resilience today? And I know that this will give my partner great joy and then see if you can actually just support them and giving them that hour and a half of joy that they want.
- [42:50]
Listener
So you talk to people about this a lot, and I'm wondering, what do people say to you? Yes, but. And then here's my problem. Here's the big thing and something that perhaps you hear over and over again that people get stuck on.
- [43:09]
Young Pueblo
Yeah. The biggest question I get is, should I break up with my boyfriend? And my answer is, I don't know. Like, you know, we just met. I have no idea. Yeah, I think a lot of these things are, you know, people. Like, we live in a culture where so much of it is designed to make life easier for things to be faster. Like, we live in the culture of Uber and doordash. Right. Like, everything is just super fast and easy. But relationships are not like that. Personal growth is not like that. These are things that are gradual. These are long journeys. So I try to remind people that just you. You have to throw away the attachment to perfection because even the most, like, epic, beautiful relationship that you could have is going to have down moments. It's going to have challenges. There are going to be moments where it's very trying and you have to see if it's right for you to continue. And I just think the most beautiful things of life, like, if you want to build inner peace, if you want to build harmony in your relationship, if you want to build better connection with friends, these are all things that are gradual. They take time.
- [44:20]
Listener
Really the biggest question you get is, should I break up with my boyfriend?
- [44:24]
Young Pueblo
It's very consistent. And the former question that I used to get back in probably from like 2017 to 2020, it was like, how do I let go? Which I'm glad we talked about. And then. But lately I think in the past four years, that's been the number one question is like, you know, my boyfriend does X, Y and Z, and I'll get like a big paragraph about it in the DMs, and I just, I have no idea. Like, I don't. I don't know. You know, if anything, I'm only seeing one side of the story. I have no idea.
- [44:56]
Listener
Yeah, I would think you'd say, if you're asking me, probably so. Yeah, I would think so. If it's gotten to the point where you're asking me? Yeah, I'd break up.
- [45:10]
Young Pueblo
Yeah. We've never met. Yeah. That's really funny. But I think I'm always trying to. My hope is to inspire people to take back their power, you know, so, like, ultimately, like, I've. I've written articles about it and pieces about it, but you have to get comfortable with leading yourself. You have to get comfortable with, you know, checking in with your intuition, checking in with your values, you know, checking in with how. How you feel next to a person. Like, do I feel calm around them? Do I feel safe around them? And. And then make the answer for yourself.
- [45:44]
Listener
Well, you said the. The question you used to get was, you know, how do I let go? Which, you know, I think we did talk about it before, but that is so key because it is so, I think, so hard in a relationship to.
- [45:59]
Mike Carruthers
Truly let go as opposed to, yeah.
- [46:02]
Listener
I'll let this slide. But I'm really marking on the scorecard here that, you know, won for me.
- [46:10]
Young Pueblo
Yeah. Yeah. And I think what I've learned that's really key in letting go is simply acceptance. It's, you know, oftentimes we'll have a very tumultuous relationship with the past, especially if someone made some, you know, egregious error or hurt us in some way. But when we can really fully just accept what happened, you know, and you'll notice this whether you're, you know, working with a therapist or, you know, working with. In a meditation tradition or something, but peace becomes available to you after you accept what is. And there may still be more to do, but this, you know, acceptance aspect is just fundamental and being able to open up to a new chapter and.
- [46:59]
Listener
To accept what is, is to do what is.
- [47:02]
Mike Carruthers
To just say, well, that's the way.
- [47:05]
Listener
It is, and breathe it and eat it and sleep it and. And just move on. Or. I mean, what. What is it to accept what is.
- [47:14]
Young Pueblo
Yeah, it's not necessarily like, forever more intellectually ruminating on it. That's. That's not quite as helpful as helpful. It's more so like, you know, a feeling tone where you, you know, when the memory comes up, you've realized that you have gained enough. You know, you're no longer fighting it. Like, whether you like it or not, you're just like, okay, this was part of my history. This was part of what helped for me. But life is still okay. I'm still able to move forward. I'm still able to have good relationships. I still have, you know, there's so much to. To be grateful for. And, and it hasn't broken me. It hasn't stopped me. So I think developing a, a good relationship with what happened in the past where it's not like accepting as in like you're becoming passive, but it's just like this is something immovable in my history and it's not going to stop me from thriving.
- [48:11]
Mike Carruthers
Well within this conversation, I think everyone listening has heard themselves in here somewhere and gotten some ideas on how to do love better. Young Pueblo has been my guest. He has been featured on Good Morning America, the Today Show, CBS Mornings, and other media outlets. And his latest book is called how to Love the Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness and Compassion. And you'll find a link to his book in the show notes. Young Pueblo, thank you. Thank you for being here.
- [48:45]
Young Pueblo
Yeah, thank you so much. This was really fun.
- [48:50]
Mike Carruthers
So if you or your kids have allergies or eczema, it could be, it could be your dishwasher's fault. Here's the Dishes washed in a dishwasher are sanitized. Dishes washed by hand are less effective in reducing bacteria, so children in homes without a dishwasher are exposed to more microbes. This plays into the idea that growing up in a squeaky clean environment can increase the risk of autoimmune conditions like allergies because the immune system doesn't have anything to do. Exposing your children to many different types of bacteria is what keeps the immune system working properly. And a survey of parents of over 1000 children between the ages of 7 and 8 support this theory. The risk of developing an allergy was further reduced if a child ate fermented foods like sauerkraut or produce that had been bought directly from a farm. Fermentation of food is a bacterial process, and food from a farm is likely going to have more bacteria than processed food. And that is something you should know. A successful podcast can only succeed if listeners help spread the word. So we need you to tell other people about something you should know and get them to listen and help us grow our audience. It's the best way to support this podcast. I'm Micah Ruthers. Thanks for listening today to something YOU should know.
- [50:25]
Ann Foster
Have you ever heard about the 19th century French actress with so many lovers that they formed a lovers union? Or what about the aboriginal Australian bandit who faked going into labor just to escape the police, which she did escape from them. It was a great plan. How about the French queen who murdered her rival with poison gloves? I'm Ann Foster, host of the Feminist Women's History Comedy Podcast Vulgar History Every week I share the saga of a woman from history whose story you probably didn't already know and you will never forget after you hear it. Sometimes we re examine well known people like Cleopatra or Pocahontas, sharing the truth behind their legends. Sometimes we look at the scandalous women you'll never find in a history textbook. Listen to Vulgar History wherever you get podcasts. And if you're curious, the people I was talking about before the Australian woman is named Marianne Bug and the French actress was named Rochelle no less. Name just Rochelle. And the queen who poisoned her rival is Catherine de Medici. I have episodes about all of them.
- [51:26]
Amy Nicholson
I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.
- [51:29]
Narrator
And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer and director. You might know me from the League, Veep, or my non eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.
- [51:38]
Amy Nicholson
We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.
- [51:42]
Narrator
Yeah, like Amy thinks that you know Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas and I don't.
- [51:46]
Advertiser
He's too old.
- [51:47]
Amy Nicholson
Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.
- [51:51]
Young Pueblo
It is.
- [51:52]
Amy Nicholson
Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites.
- [51:59]
Narrator
Must sees, and in case you missed.
- [52:01]
Amy Nicholson
Them, we're talking Parasite, the Home Alone.
- [52:03]
Narrator
From Grease to the Dark Knight.
- [52:04]
Amy Nicholson
We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.
- [52:09]
Narrator
And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Ganja and Hess.
- [52:13]
Amy Nicholson
So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.
- [52:17]
Narrator
Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your.
- [52:18]
Amy Nicholson
Podcasts, and don't forget to hit the follow button.