Finding a Forever Home | Son of a Boy Dad #385

Summary

Son of a Boy Dad #385: "Finding a Forever Home" (March 19, 2026)

Hosts: Lil Sasquatch (Dave), Rone (Ellis), and Francis
Producer: Barstool Sports

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Episode Overview

In this introspective and laughter-filled episode, Lil Sasquatch, newly dropped out of college and feeling adrift, leans on Rone and Francis for guidance on becoming an adult and finding purpose. The conversation weaves through topics like personal skills (or the lack thereof), career versus hobbies, city living vs. the suburbs, the pains of adulting (like passport renewal), and the eternal search for a “forever home.” Along the way, the gang explores nostalgia, social media gripes, unexpected lessons in manhood, and some of the less glamorous sides of bachelor life.

The tone is light and self-deprecating, with moments of genuine reflection and banter between friends trying to figure out modern adulthood together.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Chess Phase and Self-Doubt (01:47–05:30)

• Dave is trying to learn chess but laments his low ELO and inability to improve. He jokes, “I think the only things that I'm kind of good at are this and stand up.” (03:47)
• Ellis stresses that being good at your career is worthy, but Dave feels more drawn to getting good at hobbies instead.
• Francis boosts Dave: “You're a great Fisher…well, no, because that's chess, and you can't do that.” (04:52–04:59)

2. Hobbies, Skills, and the Quest for Competence (04:30–07:10)

• The trio debate the value of being good at hobbies versus your job. Francis suggests focusing on cooking or being a good dad as internalized, “aspirational hobbies.”
• Memorable Quote:
  “You want to be good at the thing that you go home to do after your job.” —Dave (04:07)
• Dave bemoans having played "Call of Duty" for 15 years and still being bad, blaming it on brain chemistry.

3. Bureaucratic Hell: The Passport Saga (09:44–14:54)

• Dave’s story of trying to renew his passport at the post office is both painful and hilarious. He waits in the wrong line for an hour, only to discover the passport window is elsewhere.
• “I waited in line for an hour at the post office. No signs anywhere. Not a single sign in the entire place. Just a line. Everyone's waiting in line—people are pissed in the line.” (09:46)
• The group trades “life hacks” for dealing with bureaucracy (like the AAA DMV pro tip).

4. Where Should a Young Man Live? (15:20–22:30)

• The crew floats various ideas for Dave’s ideal place to settle: a small town, upstate NY, Pennsylvania (especially New Hope—described with food, antiques, and “where every man is gay”), or New Jersey.
• “You should live in a town with a single cross street. Like the old west.” —Francis (16:01)
• They collectively dream about finding “a forever home,” but Dave’s not quite ready: “Right now I'm in the place for a forever home.” (19:20)

5. Social Media, Content Creation, and the Ethics of Clips (23:00–25:35)

• Dave explains his reluctance to post clips on social media:
  “Everything I do is here. It's this. So it's like, if you're curious and you want to see what I do, it's here right now.” (23:34)
• Francis lampoons “clip-only” creators, comparing them to child soldier warlords in their lack of moral scruples (24:35).
• They reflect on the “doom scroll” lifestyle, and admit neither is above the vortex.

6. Algorithms, Soccer, and the Value of Learning New Things (26:09–30:57)

• The group compares their social media algorithms, with an emphasis on interior design, coffee art, and soccer content.
• Dave admits to being overwhelmed at the idea of getting into soccer, likening it to starting "Game of Thrones" too late:
  “It feels like I’m just so far behind and it’s gonna take years to catch up.” (28:34)
• They encourage him: “Just buy in on this 16-year-old [Arsenal player].” (29:03)

7. Adult Purchases & Aspirational Home Life (36:10–44:47)

• Francis buys a quarter-wheel of parmesan cheese, causing fascination and mild mockery.
• The conversation turns to aspirational furniture (like a real Eames chair) and retro “conversation pits.”
  Ellis: “No phones in the pit…maybe this requires real conversation.” (44:33)
• There's a running bit about interior design dreams coupled with the realities of post-grad budgets.

8. Gym Habits—and Male Insecurities (47:31–48:56; 68:29–70:59)

• The trio share their gym routines, lingering on the macho need to “throw 45s” on the bench.
• Dave, self-deprecating: “I’ve gotta get back…to the 135.”
• Banter about routines on the road highlights personal quirks (motivational sports clips, gym intimidation games).

9. The Great Toilet Seat Debate (70:10–84:46)

• A surprisingly deep section on bathroom habits, seat etiquette, and personal hygiene.
  Dave’s confession: “If I'm at my apartment, like, I don't even flush the toilet after I piss. Sometimes I'm like, I'm just gonna go right back in and piss in two minutes.” (76:01)
• Francis and Ellis are horrified, schooling Dave on the polite male procedure for shared bathrooms.
• Memorable Exchange:
  “It's like telling someone who's been wiping front to back to start wiping back to front. You're never gonna train.” —Dave (77:57)

10. Everyday Adulthood: Groceries and the Cost of Living (84:26–86:59)

• The group tries to recall the price of a gallon of milk (“I have, I've legitimately. I've never bought a gallon of milk.”—Dave (85:00)) and swaps anecdotes about being disconnected from life’s mundane details.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-----------|-----------|----------------| | 03:47 | Dave | “I think the only things that I'm kind of good at are this and stand up.” | | 04:03 | Ellis | “Being good at your job is the most important thing to be good at.” | | 09:46 | Dave | “I waited in line for an hour at the post office. No signs anywhere. Not a single sign in the entire place. Just a line. Everyone's waiting in line. People are pissed in the line.” | | 16:01 | Francis | “You should live in a town with a single cross street. Like the old west.” | | 19:20 | Dave | “I do love the enthusiasm and the idea about my forever home, but I don't think right now I'm in the place for a forever home.” | | 23:34 | Dave | “Everything I do is here. It's this. So it's like, if you're curious and you want to see what I do, it's here right now.” | | 24:35 | Francis | “The people who work at Barstool that exclusively work on clips are the same class of human being that like cut off the hands of child soldiers in Africa.” | | 41:05 | Francis | “You have to do tummy time or else you'll get a flat head.” | | 77:57 | Dave | “It's like telling someone who's been wiping front to back to start wiping back to front. You're never gonna train.” | | 85:00 | Dave | “I have, I've legitimately. I've never bought a gallon of milk.” |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Chess woes & self-doubt: 01:47–05:30
• Hobbies vs. job competence: 04:30–07:10
• Passport-bureaucracy story: 09:44–14:54
• Suburbs vs. city living: 15:20–22:30
• Dave’s social media posting philosophy: 23:00–25:35
• Algorithm, soccer, and British commentators: 26:09–30:57
• Adult purchases & interior design dreams: 36:10–44:47
• Gym routines & self-improvement: 47:31–48:56; 68:29–70:59
• Toilet etiquette deep-dive: 70:10–84:46
• Cost-of-living disconnection: 84:26–86:59

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Tone, Banter, and Style

The episode rolls with classic Barstool wit—sarcastic, playful, sometimes crude, but with underlying moments of real-life vulnerability. There’s an intimacy to the group’s honesty about their failings, frustrations, and confusion about what adulthood even means in 2026.

Whether they’re mocking each other’s gym routines, haunted by bureaucratic errands, or debating the finer points of bathroom etiquette, the hosts keep it real: equal parts absurd, insightful, and relatable to anyone still feeling like they're winging it past their “boy dad” years.

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For those who want the heart of the show:

An episode about learning how (not) to grow up, why we all need friends to call us out, and why sometimes the best education is just not taking yourself too seriously.

Transcript

[Francis]

Hey son of a boy. Dad Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

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[Dave]

I'm trying to get into chess right now. That's the new thing that I'm doing.

[Ellis]

Nice.

[Dave]

So bad at it.

[Ellis]

Peter's was pretty good.

[Dave]

Yeah, Peter's is good. I was looking at Elo in like the 7 hundreds.

[Francis]

This is a great chess city.

[Dave]

Like over a thousand.

[Ellis]

Over a thousand. Because after a while, 400 straight days.

[Dave]

How. What are you at? Yeah, it's hard.

[Ellis]

You have to. You have to. You have to get to a point where you start reading about it, though. You have to like, read opening strategies. Yeah, you need to like. You need to get to a point where you're actually studying.

[Dave]

Dude. I did. So I, like, learned the opening strategy. Like, get everything towards the middle, obviously. And, like, you want to build around the four center and the ring around it.

[Ellis]

Yeah, but.

[Dave]

And then it's just. It's after. I'm lost.

[Ellis]

But there's, like. There's, like, openings which are, like. You follow a pattern for, like, seven straight moves.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, that's. I learned, like, one of them. Yeah, but then. But I. So I can open, but I cannot close. I could do the open.

[Ellis]

Your end game's. No. Perfect.

[Dave]

And then it just comes collapsing down.

[Ellis]

Yeah, well, so be it.

[Dave]

Some dude in Pakistan.

[Ellis]

Yeah, right? I get. So I've said this. I. I stopped playing because I would get so mad at those fucking guys.

[Dave]

Dude.

[Ellis]

Like, your country treats women like their fucking cattle.

[Dave]

My ELO is so low. Like, it's like it. My ELO is someone who doesn't know what the. What the players. What each piece does. Like, that's. That's how low it is. It's like the. It's the equivalent of someone who's never played the game.

[Ellis]

But if you start beating people that have higher ones.

[Dave]

I can't beat people with. I can't beat the robot on the lowest.

[Ellis]

All right.

[Dave]

Might just not be for me, honestly.

[Francis]

Can't close.

[Dave]

Can't close.

[Francis]

Glengarry.

[Dave]

I'm not good. I'm not. I've realized I'm not good at anything. Except maybe this.

[Francis]

Don't say that.

[Dave]

I'm bad at everything.

[Francis]

Don't say that. Yeah, don't say that. Don't say that. That's not true.

[Dave]

It's true.

[Francis]

And it's not tr.

[Dave]

It sucks. Like, I. I had a feeling when I was younger, I was like, I'm pretty bad at a lot of things, but now it's like. I think the only things that I'm kind of good at are this and stand up.

[Ellis]

Well, that's fine.

[Francis]

Those are your pursuits.

[Ellis]

What's wrong with that?

[Dave]

Who wants to be good at their job?

[Ellis]

Being good at your job is the most important thing to be good at.

[Dave]

You want to be good at the thing that you go home to do after your job.

[Francis]

Oh, that's a hobby. It doesn't matter if you're good at that.

[Dave]

But it's way more fun being good at the hobby than it is your job.

[Francis]

Yeah, but you have, like. You still have, like, these aspirational hobbies instead of, like, internalized hobbies. Like, yeah, be good at cooking.

[Dave]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[Francis]

That's only like. It's. It's just like, satisfies you. Like, be good at, like, taking care of your house or, like, be a good dad.

[Ellis]

That's the.

[Dave]

So that's gonna be a good dad.

[Ellis]

Exactly. And that's what I was gonna say is, like, right now, you know, you don't have kids.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellis]

So the thing you. This is the thing. This is all you need to worry about.

[Dave]

My job.

[Ellis]

You're in your career, like, development.

[Dave]

Yeah, Yeah. Y.

[Ellis]

It up. Get. Get elite at it, which I think you are.

[Dave]

Yeah, No, I think I'm good.

[Francis]

You're a great Fisher.

[Dave]

I'm. I'm. I'm decent.

[Ellis]

Not that good. I'm fierce.

[Francis]

Men. I mean, in the biblical searching for

[Ellis]

Bobby Fischer over there.

[Francis]

Yeah, you're a Bobby Fisher. Well, no, because that's chess, and you can't do that.

[Dave]

Can't do that. It's just like, I. I just. Like, in an ideal world, I would go. I would do this podcast. I would go home. I got. We got a stream tonight for Bush. But, like, maybe before the stream, I would go play something. It doesn't even matter what it is. A video game, any type of game.

[Ellis]

You gotta.

[Dave]

It could be Monopoly. No Chutes and Ladders.

[Ellis]

I think you.

[Dave]

I just gotta win something.

[Francis]

That's not true. You've won. You've won things.

[Dave]

I can't win.

[Francis]

Didn't you beat Francis in something once?

[Dave]

No, no, no, that wasn't it.

[Francis]

No, it wasn't that.

[Ellis]

It wasn't any of those. He did ultimately beat me in. In Halo.

[Dave]

Kart. Smash.

[Francis]

Smash.

[Dave]

I don't even think I beat him in that.

[Ellis]

No, you didn't beat me in Smash. Yeah, no, you didn't.

[Dave]

And I was playing on a emulator on my PC the night before.

[Francis]

For what it's worth, I'm worse than you at all the things that you're. That you're bad at, but you have

[Dave]

other things that you're good at.

[Ellis]

Oh, really?

[Dave]

Yeah. Father, husband.

[Ellis]

I'm pretty good at a lot of things, and I would say that both of you are better than me at this job, but.

[Dave]

Yeah, but that doesn't matter. We've already been over the job part. Doesn't matter. You get to go home and you're like, I get to make coffee. Cup of coffee. That's better than Starbucks.

[Ellis]

Yes. And continuing to make coffee is really going to help me be a good father.

[Dave]

And, well, being good at video games hasn't helped me in anything. Well, because. Because I'm terrible at them. But in an ideal world, it's just, I don't know.

[Francis]

Francis can do everything better than like whatever corporation he would have shopped at.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You can make better coffee than Starbucks, make a better salad than sweet green, make a better steak. Yeah.

[Dave]

And that's not like that's good like that there. And there are people like, like my friend Matt's like that. Like he's good at everything. Everything he does is just get at it.

[Ellis]

I. That just, like that just comes from curiosity. That's all it is.

[Dave]

No, I'm. I'm the most curious person on the planet. I don't think you are fucking retarded.

[Ellis]

I think you're. I think you're broadly satisfied.

[Dave]

No, I think I have something wrong with my brain.

[Ellis]

Oh, you don't.

[Dave]

Learning disability or something.

[Ellis]

Full of it. You're really fucking smart and it drives me crazy when you say that.

[Dave]

I've been playing Call of duty for 15 years. That's a problem. And I am so fucking bad.

[Ellis]

You've put all your eggs in one basket and it's a basket that you don't. You've chosen the wrong basket, clearly the wrong basket.

[Francis]

But you're the age. You're at the age of regression for that.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

Sadly, unfortunately, that's not your fault. That's like being like a 39 year old. Being like, I can't jump as high. Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. I just felt like I had a couple more years in me at least.

[Ellis]

No, it's time for you to put the, put the controller away. You can manage bush and do that from a content perspective.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

If you think that's going to help your job. I think we've clearly seen it won't.

[Dave]

That's crazy.

[Ellis]

Well, we've, we're.

[Dave]

We're actually in the process of bringing in two massive sponsors right now.

[Ellis]

Is that so?

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah. Fuck. What were they? It was Amazon and Nike. I think they're coming in as early sponsors. They really believe in the bush.

[Francis]

That's pretty good, I guess.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Amazon's throwing like a billion at it, apparently.

[Ellis]

$1 billion.

[Francis]

I wonder how they get that back. Yeah.

[Dave]

Prize winnings over the next 75 years

[Francis]

through like a lifetime contract of Nicky Numbers working at the Amazon warehouse.

[Dave]

Yeah, Nicky Numbers is coming to Birmingham with us.

[Francis]

I told him to come in the barstool office. I said he has like carte blanche. I said we'd set him up a gaming setup in the office.

[Dave]

He's got to get hired.

[Ellis]

I like Nicky Numbers a lot.

[Francis]

Just even in theory.

[Dave]

We're still trying to figure out if he can. If he can go to. To Birmingham fly list or something. Well, you have to. Like, there's this new thing. If you go to England, you got to fill out this, like, it's like a. Like a visa, but it's not.

[Ellis]

Yeah, traveler.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And it's quick.

[Dave]

Like Jerry said. He did his. He just entered his passport number. He got approved in seconds.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Numbers. He entered his in, like, a week ago. Still pending.

[Ellis]

First name, Nikki. Last name numbers. Yeah, we don't really have a government record of a Nikki numbers.

[Dave]

Yeah. So we're still trying to figure out if he's allowed to leave the country or not.

[Francis]

What happened with your passport?

[Dave]

Oh, I ended up getting it figured out, but, my God, was it. So it was just as bad as I thought it was going to be there or the. The post office. Well, I will say, like I said, I have something wrong with my brain, so clearly, like, there's obviously easier ways to do things that I just don't know. But I waited in line for an hour at the post office. No signs anywhere. Not a single sign in the entire place. Just a line. Everyone's waiting in line. People are pissed in the line. Like, a lot of, like, people are go, move forward, you know?

[Ellis]

Yeah, it's New York.

[Dave]

There was a. Yeah, there was a. There was a couple that was standing at one of the windows, and they walked away. And this dude, probably 90 years old, he goes, about time.

[Francis]

People are so angry at the post office.

[Dave]

Rightfully so.

[Francis]

You shouldn't have to go to the post office. Ever figured that.

[Dave]

Yeah, they shouldn't exist.

[Francis]

Yeah, definitely. She, like, I don't know who's in charge of that, but that should be taken away right away.

[Dave]

Yeah. But I will say so. So I get to the front of the line. They call mine. They call my window Window six. And he goes. I was like, I'm here for the passport. He's like, you have an appointment? I was like, yeah. He's like, okay, the passport thing is actually down the hallway to the left. Walk over. Not a single line. Two people standing at the thing behind the desk, just waiting. Just. No one's with. No one has come in there at all. So I could have been already done. And I wait in line for an hour.

[Francis]

Oh, you could. You could have gone straight there.

[Dave]

Could have gone straight there. He was like, yeah. He was like, did you wait in the line? And I was like, yeah, there's no signs or anything. And he was like, yeah. And he's like, what time was your appointment? And I was like an hour ago. And he was like, yeah. He was like, just tell them that you waited in the line. It happens all the time. And I was like, well, maybe let's throw a sign up that says, hey, if you're doing the passport, don't wait in the line.

[Francis]

Anyway, it's not like we'll just tell them you waited in line. It's like, I did wait in the line.

[Dave]

Yeah. Until it was an hour. It was an hour of my life. That's gone now.

[Francis]

Yeah. They're infuriating institutions. Like, it should be just like, use. Use at FedEx.

[Dave]

Yeah, exactly. Well, so I. So what happened was I ended up. So I ended up going over there. You go in, they're furious already. Like, the second they see you, they're mad. Like, they're like, here we fucking go. Can I ask, I bring out my massive folder of papers.

[Francis]

What race were you dealing with? Asian men?

[Dave]

No. Two women. Okay. One black, one Asian, I believe.

[Francis]

Got it.

[Dave]

Got it. They weren't terrible, you know, they weren't as, like, nasty as they could be. The lady that I was dealing with was a little nasty, but she sort of loosened up as the. I also realized about halfway through that she was on the phone the entire time she had her AirPods in. So, like, I kept on replying to shit, thinking she was talking to me, and then I realized that she was talking to her boyfriend on the phone.

[Ellis]

That can't be.

[Dave]

I swear to God.

[Ellis]

This is a postal worker, dude.

[Dave]

This is the passport. Like, this is the person that, like, seals and authorizes everything. Yeah, I'm going to have to call you back.

[Ellis]

Got a real fucking moron here.

[Dave]

Yeah. I will say in her defense, she did say that they do, like, 30 expedited passports a day.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Which is probably hell.

[Ellis]

I have a couple of hacks for you. And they're. They're adjacent to this. But one hack that I have for you. Do you have triple A?

[Dave]

Like the car service, roadside service, like my parents probably do.

[Ellis]

If you subscribe to that, and it's not expensive, if you drive a lot, you should have it. If you need to get your license renewed or anything like that, you can actually go to the AAA office, which is, I think on Midtown west or something like that. And that serves as a dmv. If you have.

[Dave]

Oh, really?

[Ellis]

And it's much quicker.

[Dave]

Yeah, that sounds like that's a big hack. They might do to cut that from the episode.

[Ellis]

I know.

[Francis]

Well, you're never going to need this again.

[Dave]

No, no.

[Francis]

Nine Years from now.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah. Unless I lose it again.

[Francis]

Which you probably will.

[Dave]

I probably will.

[Francis]

What else you got?

[Ellis]

That was the big one. That was the big one.

[Dave]

I think I'm going to, like, duct tape my passport to, like, my chest when I'm traveling. Just make sure it goes nowhere. Genuinely. You don't want to lose that thing ever.

[Ellis]

No.

[Francis]

Yeah. That was brutal. That was. That you even had to go through. That was.

[Dave]

Dude, I didn't even do the whole story. I'm. I'm not going to tell the whole story because it's tedious.

[Ellis]

You should tell the whole story.

[Dave]

No, but it's. I had to go back and forth the post office three times and go to FedEx.

[Ellis]

What happened on those three times?

[Dave]

The set, first time they go, you don't have your. You're waiting to figure out what you don't have. Right. Obviously you don't have something. You just don't know what it is. The itinerary, I was like, oh, yeah, I got it on my phone. You need to print it out. Can't just show it to them. Need to print it out. Luckily, Tyler. Tyler. If I. If Tyler wasn't here, I don't think I would have had gotten any of this done. So I text Tyler, I'm like, coming back. Need the itinerary. Send it to him. He prints it out, go back. They seal it, everything. Then go to FedEx. And then when I'm leaving FedEx, I'm like, I don't have my ID. Lady never gave me my ID back. Then I go back to the. Then I go back to the post office again. Keep in mind, the FedEx that I went to, all the way back down by my apartment. Way. All the way back up.

[Francis]

How are you getting back and forth?

[Dave]

Train. Well, the one of them. There was a couple Ubers involved as well. But

[Ellis]

then you took one subway.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And then five Ubers. Yeah.

[Ellis]

Never again.

[Dave]

Something like that. Yeah. And then eventually I go back in, and then. And I walk over and I'm like, did I leave? Do you have my id? And she was like, no, no. And then she, like, looked and she was like. And then she grabbed it and gave it to me.

[Ellis]

I'm trying to think about where would be the optimal place for you to live, because I don't think it's a city.

[Dave]

No, I don't know if it is either. I was talking about. I was talking to Bo about that the other. Or, sorry, let's say for my buddy Forrest Gump, I was talking to him the Other day and Forrest Bump. I gotta call him his gamertag now.

[Francis]

But you, doctor, that's even worse. You dox's gamer tag.

[Dave]

No, there's numbers involved and stuff.

[Francis]

Which ones?

[Dave]

I don't actually know. Good question. But yeah, I was talking to my friend Forrest Gump, who I know from online, and. And he was saying. He was like, yeah, you definitely shouldn't live in a city. But I was like, well, I have to.

[Francis]

You should live in like a one horse town.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You should live in a town with a single cross street. Like the old West.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Why do you have to live in a city?

[Dave]

Because my job for the pod. The pod? Stand up.

[Francis]

But you travel for stand up.

[Dave]

Yeah, but you got to do it in the city to get good at it.

[Ellis]

I think you've done enough in the city.

[Dave]

I don't know about that.

[Ellis]

I think you've. I think you've done everything you can here.

[Francis]

Can I pitch you on a place?

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Beautiful New Hope, Pennsylvania.

[Ellis]

Oh, so nice.

[Dave]

I could get down with that. How far is that from the city?

[Francis]

It's about an hour south of the city.

[Dave]

Okay. That's not terrible.

[Francis]

It's right on the river.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Ellis]

Stunning. I went there a lot. My ex wife was from there. She grew up there.

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Beautiful women.

[Ellis]

Really nice restaurant for them because every man there is gay. Swear to God. It's like a gay enclave.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

It's a conclave, which means that everything is clean and the antiques are. Lots of antiques. Very charming.

[Francis]

It's very char. Like the food. Every place has meatloaf and like a turkey chili and it's all really hearty, warm food. It's like taverns and ale houses and saloons.

[Ellis]

The river runs right through the middle of it all. And across the river is Doylestown and then there's New Town, Lambertville, Scranton. They're all right there. No, no, not Scranton. Don't. Don't contribute. You've never.

[Francis]

I'm trying to pitch you on a place.

[Dave]

Don't contribute.

[Ellis]

You don't know. We've been. We know.

[Francis]

Stop trying to make it into Scranton.

[Dave]

Yeah, I've never been. I was just throwing out PA Cities.

[Ellis]

Don't presume.

[Dave]

Yeah, I could see myself getting down something like that. I think I'll probably end up living in Jersey at some point in my life. Probably like in a couple days. I don't know how long. I don't know when I'll move there, but I think ideally I'll probably live somewhere around Jersey.

[Ellis]

I think you're ready to Go.

[Dave]

No, I don't think yet. Because I don't want to do that commute.

[Ellis]

Can we talk about how I won't say where, but you are looking at apartments, right?

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to. I'm thinking about moving. I mean, I'm not. I'm not 100% positive because it's coming up right around the corner, but you can make it happen pretty quick.

[Ellis]

Mm. Why don't you consider New Jersey right now?

[Dave]

I don't know. It's just not.

[Francis]

Are you talking about, like, I'm talking

[Dave]

about New Jersey or you're talking about,

[Francis]

like, getting a house?

[Dave]

Yeah. You're ready for that in Jersey? I think you're ready for that financially.

[Ellis]

No, I think you're ready for your forever home. I think.

[Francis]

I think it's more the white picket fence.

[Ellis]

I think it's more doable than you think.

[Dave]

I'm ready for my forever home.

[Ellis]

You're ready for your forever home.

[Francis]

Like a tire swing in the front yard.

[Ellis]

Yeah. You got a big raise. You've got some money stocked up.

[Dave]

Big of a raise.

[Ellis]

Pay your down payment with all your spot pay, right?

[Dave]

True.

[Francis]

Cash.

[Ellis]

True. You're looking at a nice fixer upper in Newark.

[Dave]

Newark, maybe. My forever home can't be in Newark.

[Ellis]

I could see you in Newark.

[Francis]

That's crazy. Newark is going to come up.

[Ellis]

You've been talking about switching to United. I have want to become a United man. It's all you talk about. I have.

[Dave]

And I was talking about, like I was saying I was going to. I was. I move closer to, like, Queens, that area.

[Ellis]

But if you do that, then you have to stay Delta. Yeah.

[Dave]

You have to. Delta locked in.

[Francis]

That's like Bloods and Crips.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

That's like being on a. In like, Long beach and being a crib.

[Dave]

I would say right now is not the time for me to move to Jersey. I do love the enthusiasm and the idea about my forever home, but I don't think right now I'm in the place for a forever home.

[Ellis]

I think you. I think you've been ready without realizing it. You've been ready forever for a long time.

[Dave]

I don't know. Really, the whole thing is just my apartment right now is like. It's nice. I like it. It's in a great area. That's pretty much the best part about it is the area that it's in. But with how much I'm paying now, I could get a place like double the size somewhere else. What if we move in Newark?

[Francis]

The whole show upstate.

[Dave]

Oh, I love the whole show. I love that idea.

[Francis]

State and so we're all upstate.

[Dave]

That would be fine with me.

[Ellis]

Ro own forever home upstate. I've got current forever home, some somewhat home. I don't know if I'd call that forever home.

[Francis]

For now.

[Ellis]

Yeah. For now.

[Dave]

How is that not a forever home?

[Ellis]

Because it's a two bedroom condo.

[Dave]

You want me to get a place in Newark?

[Ellis]

Yeah, you. You could buy you for what I paid for my two bedroom condo.

[Dave]

You could get newer. Newer.

[Ellis]

You could own newer. You could buy the airport. You could buy it. Or at least one of the terminals.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

A fixer upper terminal.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Start from that idea. A lot of space.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Escalators and shit.

[Francis]

Going upstate. And it's like we. Or we could all move down towards New Hope. We could all get towards all towards New Hope.

[Ellis]

That where you're trying to live someday?

[Francis]

No, but if he's trying to live there, I'll go there.

[Ellis]

Bradley Cooper has a house there.

[Francis]

It's like the Hamptons. It's like the New Hamptons they're calling.

[Ellis]

It's really gentrifying.

[Dave]

I wish I just had a ton of money so I could just get like a place in every borough. I think I've said that before, but I want to play. I want a pad in every borough.

[Ellis]

Joe Burrow over here.

[Francis]

Yeah, exactly. The flophouse king.

[Dave]

Yeah, exactly. Because then I'll be like, oh, I'm going to go. Oh, I'm going to go down to. I'm going to go see Ronan Francis tonight. I'm going to go down to Brooklyn. I'll just stay at my place in Brooklyn.

[Ellis]

You won't come to see us in Brooklyn?

[Dave]

I don't have a pad in Brooklyn.

[Ellis]

That's what's holding you.

[Dave]

You both have houses in Brooklyn.

[Ellis]

Not the fact that you think it's an hour and a half away.

[Francis]

Honestly, I could like walk at a pretty easy pace and get to where you live in an hour and a half.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah. We live very close to each other.

[Francis]

But you still want a flop house.

[Dave]

Yeah, like me. And I don't know if you. I don't know. I've never. I haven't been to your new place. Is it still where you're close to where your old place was?

[Ellis]

Not far. Maybe like six or seven blocks. Roan. Roan lives where I. Yeah, yeah, we

[Dave]

live like, we're like next, like 8 years old.

[Francis]

I can see you.

[Dave]

Yeah, pretty much like you could see me. I can't see you. You can Definitely see.

[Francis]

Francis can see me.

[Dave]

Francis can see.

[Ellis]

I see him.

[Dave]

Everything touches.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

I ride. I ride the bike over the Manhattan Bridge and I ride on the walking side, which is the south side of the bridge, so that I can stop at a certain point and look into

[Francis]

his window and he just sees me, like, holding up my. Making eggs every day.

[Ellis]

Every. In the winter, I would always look for their Christmas tree.

[Dave]

Oh, that's nice. And a big one.

[Ellis]

What a. What a cozy home.

[Dave]

Yeah. Someday you guys go Realtree or fake tree.

[Francis]

You already know. We go fig tree.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

You're just trying to recreate our viral clip from the Christmas season, which you

[Ellis]

wouldn't post even though I did.

[Dave]

I literally posted it. Literally. It is on my Instagram account.

[Ellis]

Come on. You finally, all this time later, you accept.

[Dave]

I thought. I think I accepted.

[Francis]

Accepted it in March so it would repopulate back to when it was posted. So it popped up on his page, but, like, way down.

[Ellis]

Oh, smart. Check.

[Dave]

Let me check.

[Francis]

Populated a Christmas story in March.

[Ellis]

Yeah. Can't be too careful.

[Dave]

I'm pretty sure I reposted it.

[Francis]

You did.

[Dave]

It's on there.

[Ellis]

You need to make. Can't let people think you're. You're active.

[Dave]

No, no.

[Ellis]

On. On Instagram.

[Dave]

No. I'm getting a lot more active. Really? About to get. Just act. I can't wait to fully activate some

[Francis]

flyers that you post. Yeah, that's gonna be crazy with, like, some dates and it's like, still a few tickets left. That's gonn a good post that you post.

[Dave]

I just, like. I don't know, like, I get social media and I understand that you, like, have to do it, and I'm going to start doing it because people are telling me I have to.

[Francis]

Well, you want that house in Newark?

[Dave]

Yeah, I got to get that house in Newark. But in my head, it's just like, everything I do is here. It's this. So it's like, if you're curious and you want to see what I do, it's here right now.

[Ellis]

What are you talking about?

[Dave]

I don't. I just. I'm not a clip. I'm not a post guy. I'm going to start doing.

[Ellis]

You're just a strictly live performer.

[Dave]

I'm a performer like you.

[Francis]

If. Unless you're willing to listen to the hour and a half of the show, you don't deserve to hear one thought out of context.

[Dave]

Not. It's not that. It's not like, like, oh, I'm so, like, high and mighty. Like, I'm not going to post clips. It's just the way that I see it is like if you're a fan of, of me and you want to see what I do, just listen to the podcast.

[Ellis]

What if people want more?

[Dave]

They're the only thing they're going to be getting. That's more. Is the podcast in shorter form.

[Ellis]

I think the problem is there was a period where you make made a lot of other stuff and people missed that you were good at it.

[Dave]

No, people don't really miss that.

[Francis]

There is something ethical to not posting clips. Like the people who work at Barstool that exclusively work on clips are the same class of human being that like cut off the hands of child soldiers in Africa. They're like the same, like, they have like the same moral turpitude as the people who go to like small villages and like kill all the adults and like enlist the children.

[Dave]

But regarding what I was saying about the clips, like I said earlier, I'm. Something's wrong with my brain. So it's like, obviously that's not the right way to think about it.

[Francis]

No, you have the opposite brain. As like kids who are brain rotted into only being able to watch seven second clips. You have. You can only digest something if it's 90 minutes or longer.

[Dave]

I wish that was true, brother, but it's not.

[Francis]

Oh, so you want people to be able to only digest you 90 minutes or long.

[Dave]

I'll get caught in a doom scroll like anyone. I'm no better than anyone else.

[Francis]

Yeah, it's a nasty vortex.

[Dave]

A vortex.

[Francis]

Once you start watching the kids that do improv on. Have you seen the improv kids on Instagram?

[Dave]

I don't think so.

[Francis]

Yeah, it'll get trapped in it.

[Dave]

Yeah. YouTube. YouTube. Actually they made a feature where you can turn off shorts, which I kind of. I fuck with that, huh? You know, now you can just get classic YouTube.

[Francis]

Sometimes I wonder what your algorithm is.

[Dave]

Yeah, what do you see? No, seriously, because I could tell you, like, my algorithm, it's just gaming stuff and like occasionally like a football video or fishing stuff.

[Ellis]

Are you talking about YouTube or Instagram?

[Dave]

Anything. Mine's the same for all of them.

[Ellis]

Right now I would bet that my Instagram discover grid is going to be latte art. Like people making really nice coffee. It's going to be like maybe some interior design, like lighting recommendations or Pinterest tips. Tips for how to like properly, you know, get nice design things in your home.

[Francis]

Like a slideshow story.

[Ellis]

No, it would be like, these are the five things I do for My client, like I'm an interior designer. Designer. And like these are the five mistakes that like people make and what you can do to have ensure your place looks cozy and classy or something.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Then probably some Premier League highlights.

[Dave]

Oh, nice.

[Francis]

How about that 17 year old or that 16 year old?

[Ellis]

Awesome. And the live man, the British announcers, they just immortalized the moment in a way that I can't say that our announcers have got a couple of good ones. We really do.

[Francis]

I.

[Ellis]

Yes, he is Houdini. Yeah, he's good. Although bang bang.

[Francis]

Compared to a British guy waxing poetic. We have bang bang.

[Ellis]

They go on on these like fucking soliloquies.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

That our guys don't really do.

[Dave]

Do you think they got a couple rolling around in the head? Like if this guy goes off, I'm gonna say this. Or you think it's all just natural?

[Ellis]

I think that when they're doing what. What always is amazing because you get these long extended high on YouTube of matches and when the players are coming out they show the lead into the game with the starting lineups and it's worth listening to because that's when these announcers deliver what I would bet are their pre rehearsed or their pre written sort of monologues where they're like on a night when Manchester United must win, they have to win. Yeah, we can see that this is a night that will be remembered for a very long time for a number of reasons. First being, you know, it's like, like and it just goes on and they're talking about like the dew on the grass and the, you know.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

They'll describe a pass as a peach.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Like it's just these flowery.

[Ellis]

If some players like playing well some games and not they call mercurial instead of like inconsistent.

[Francis]

They talk how you originally wrote Dave's book.

[Ellis]

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

I, I want to get into soccer but it kind of feels like to me it feels like getting into like Game of Thrones where it's like I want to. But it's like I feel like I'm just so far behind and it's going to take me years to catch up.

[Ellis]

But you're picking. It's a sport. You're picking up from the moment. No, you don't need to know the. You can go back if you want.

[Francis]

But like they just had a 16 year old score for Arsenal and he's gonna be the sick dude.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

For the next 20 years.

[Dave]

Yeah, you're right.

[Francis]

So just buy in on this 16 year old.

[Dave]

So I'm an Arsenal fan. Yeah. So now's the time to get in.

[Ellis]

The call for that was like, what a player. What a night. What a player. He will be.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.

[Francis]

Arsenal will get the points.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

The points will be Arsenal.

[Ellis]

Yeah. It's so good.

[Dave]

That's crazy. How is he allowed to play?

[Francis]

They have like kids playing all the time. This is really.

[Ellis]

I mean, Lamina 2009 in Barcelona.

[Francis]

Sorry, Unc.

[Dave]

It's up for you, buddy.

[Ellis]

Yeah. You're toast.

[Francis]

Learn how to cook.

[Ellis]

Yeah. Buy a coffee machine.

[Francis]

Seriously, bro, you're done. They got 16 year olds.

[Ellis]

He's handsome too. He looks like a tick tocker.

[Dave]

He does.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

He's a bit of a wispy mustache. Think of.

[Ellis]

Think of how amazing that is though, right? This kid's.

[Dave]

Does he like go back to school after that?

[Ellis]

They're all in soccer academy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

No, he's been in like the Arsenal system since he was probably.

[Dave]

They got like a farming system.

[Ellis]

Yeah. And you play soccer and do like a very cursory pay to play.

[Francis]

Like, you don't have to learn.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You're too good to learn.

[Ellis]

Yeah. Which is why all those kids who like don't make it out of the academy, they end up, you know, driving those double decker buses in London. Yeah.

[Francis]

And they're the guys who, when you ask them what time it is, they're like, it's free. 30. They don't even. I never learned the th sound because they were playing soccer. 344.

[Dave]

That's like Irish people do that too. Colin does that.

[Francis]

Tree tartary.

[Dave]

Yeah. Tree tardy.

[Francis]

Yeah. They don't even know. They don't even know what they're doing. But I think that'd be fun for all of us to get. I honestly, best way I learned about soccer players originally was just playing FIFA. And that's something you could get good at.

[Dave]

Yeah, of course.

[Ellis]

Look at this. This is it right here.

[Francis]

The algo.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

No kitties. Unbelievable.

[Ellis]

Two coffee.

[Dave]

Not a single pair of two coffees.

[Ellis]

Shane.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Oh, God.

[Dave]

Have. There's obviously gonna be some Shane in there then.

[Ellis]

Then a guy. Like an outfit thing for a guy. Sexiest items men can wear from some girl.

[Francis]

That coffee art is incredible. Look how thick that milk is on the second in that. That top, middle one.

[Ellis]

That one's good.

[Francis]

Send that to Mac. Jesus Christ. Haven't put that. Not even to put in the episode. Just to look at like.

[Dave]

This is my first video that comes up when I open it up. Some old.

[Francis]

I mean, you gotta send that to him now too, if we're gonna be doing all this. I was on TikTok.

[Dave]

That was on Instagram.

[Ellis]

Oh, man. And then I was watching. I showed my dad, the guy that, like, has the farting machine in his pocket and walks through Central park all the time.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah, it's classic.

[Ellis]

And I mean, my dad loved that.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

More than anything in the world.

[Dave]

You can't. I mean, look, the thing is, like, I'm kind of just talking out of my ass. That's how I usually do this. Do it on this show.

[Francis]

And that's why you're great at it.

[Dave]

And that's why I'm. And that's why I'm great.

[Ellis]

Before you even continue. If you started speaking from the heart,

[Francis]

I'd lee with empirical evidence.

[Ellis]

Yeah. What are you talking about?

[Dave]

But you can't deny that the Instagram. The Instagram reels. There's some just. There's some heat in there. Some of the funniest you've ever seen.

[Ellis]

People can't believe when I tell them that I don't ever watch Tick Tock. And I'm like, well, why would I need to.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

I'm getting it all the same way.

[Francis]

Less funny. Tick Tock is not as.

[Dave]

Tick Tock sucks. Instagram Reels is.

[Francis]

It's way funnier.

[Dave]

I mean, it's good.

[Ellis]

It's really good. They found it. They found it out.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

They spent a long time in the lab. They were training, trailing for a while, and then it's like. Patience is a virtue.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Well done, Zuck.

[Dave]

Yeah, he figured it out.

[Ellis]

You found it.

[Dave]

I've just been getting just. I mean, I'm sending my boys 15 plus a day and they're all bangers.

[Ellis]

Do you know the one of the group of like young boys or young guys who go on Zoom meetings and they. With other people?

[Francis]

Yes. That's a classic Nelk bit. That's Nelk.

[Ellis]

It must be. But. But, you know, they. I don't even know what they're called. Do you know what I'm talking about? These kids are hysterical.

[Dave]

All right, let's talk about experience.

[Ellis]

Shout out Bracket Busters.

[Francis]

Shout out umbc and shout out Texas

[Dave]

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[Francis]

They're the best.

[Dave]

And that's why we love Experian. Download the app and get started for free. Results will vary. No bill not all bills or subscriptions are eligible. Savings not guaranteed Paid membership with connected payment account required. See experian.com for details. UMBC and Texas A and M All

[Ellis]

right, let's take a minute to talk about Rocket Money. Rocket Money Burning up your unused subscriptions now. Have you ever had a moment when you realized you needed help getting your finances under control? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money tracks subscriptions and has the ability to cancel within the app. With a few taps, saving time and avoiding charges, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. The app consolidates checking, savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. Rocket Money's automated savings grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it Approach Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] that's RocketMoney.com boy RocketMoney.com boy. I'll say this because I'm sure I'll post this. Hopefully I'll post this today, but I went and purchased 48 pounds of Parmesan.

[Francis]

A wheel.

[Ellis]

A quarter of a wheel.

[Dave]

I'm surprised they even let you buy that.

[Ellis]

This is a 200 pound wheel of cheese.

[Dave]

They don't let you buy the Full Wheel.

[Ellis]

Apparently they do. They would have sold it to me.

[Dave]

I saw a video of a kid asking.

[Ellis]

Everyone's seen that video. He went to the wrong place because

[Francis]

where did they get their wheels? It's not like they were just born into a wheel. There's wheel factors, wheel stores.

[Dave]

How much is a full wheel?

[Ellis]

He just said 1600 was what they were gonna charge me. And that's, that's for the only the two. Two year aged. If you get the five year aged, it would have been.

[Francis]

Wait, you're gonna do a video where you eat a wheel of cheese?

[Ellis]

Well, I'm gonna have. I'm gonna have a lot of it bit.

[Dave]

Dude, you're gonna get sick as well.

[Ellis]

I got Minneapolis this weekend, so if I can't make it, so be it.

[Dave]

You at the mall?

[Ellis]

Oh, no. I don't have to wade through bodies to perform comedy.

[Dave]

Are you at the Mall of America?

[Ellis]

Yeah, of course.

[Dave]

Are you gonna ride the roller coaster?

[Ellis]

No.

[Dave]

No, because you're gonna be full of cheese. Not gonna be able to ride the roller coaster.

[Ellis]

Maybe that's the cure.

[Dave]

Yeah, it could be.

[Francis]

Yeah. They have a great gap in there.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

People make these pasta bowls inside the cheese. I could do that. I have enough.

[Dave]

That is a waste of money.

[Francis]

That's. That's like a fat, gross representation of Italian culture. That's like, for the San Gennaro festival.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

For you to just walk up and just, like, get a slop bowl in

[Dave]

the cheese, that's like the equivalent of, like, the burger that has, like, shit oozing out of it. Yeah.

[Francis]

Which is a Minneapolis special, the Juicy Lucy.

[Dave]

Because, I mean, that's like a bread bowl. But, like, the bowl is worth more than the soup.

[Francis]

Is it round, Francis, or is it like a quarter? Like a pizza slice?

[Ellis]

I'll show you when we go downstairs and look at it. I mean, I was carrying this thing, and the number of people who complimented me on my cheese.

[Dave]

Like, in the office.

[Ellis]

No. Walking up the street, they were like, nice. They said, wow, that's a nice piece of cheese. I mean, it's. It's humongous parmesan. Yeah.

[Dave]

You should get one massive cracker for it.

[Ellis]

I had to get the. I had to get the wire that you use to kill people and decapitate them. Yeah. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna use my foot and then push it.

[Dave]

Oh, that's smart.

[Ellis]

That's my thought.

[Dave]

Yeah, I know. I know. The Wire. I remember watching an episode of the Wire and. No, I remember watching an episode of Deadliest Warrior, and I think it was CIA verse. The I. What is. What is it? I don't remember what it is.

[Ellis]

What do they call the wire? A grout. A grut.

[Francis]

Garrote.

[Ellis]

Garrote.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Nice.

[Dave]

That's got to be the worst way to die,

[Ellis]

Chance.

[Dave]

There can't be a worse way to die.

[Francis]

What about harpoons from betrayal?

[Ellis]

What about getting. What about getting raped to death?

[Dave]

No, not as bad by someone betraying me, I can't say because I've never been in that position. So it could be that there's a good chance that's worse. I've never been in the position of the wire either.

[Ellis]

But what if you had like an as. Like a six month old and somebody used that six month old to beat you to death?

[Francis]

Yeah, that's be.

[Dave]

That's a terrible way to betray.

[Ellis]

No, they're taking it. And like just using the baby as a club. That.

[Dave]

Yeah, that's not a good way to go either.

[Ellis]

Bludgeoning you with your own child is worse than wire strangulation.

[Dave]

The wire, you're. It's not. Is it strangulation? I think it's decapitation.

[Ellis]

No.

[Francis]

Do you think that's possible?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Francis]

No, I'm not talking about.

[Ellis]

Not like a piece of cheese.

[Dave]

If you get the right guy in the passenger seat, it is.

[Francis]

I think that. I think that if you. I think a kid would have to use the adult to beat another adult to death. Because I don't think a kid's hard enough to kill someone.

[Dave]

Not even close.

[Ellis]

Oh, you can kill someone with some soft stuff.

[Francis]

No, you maybe you could maybe suffocate someone with a kid. You could smother them with a kid.

[Ellis]

You can beat people to death with. Like I could beat someone to death with that water bottle.

[Dave]

Yeah, but that water bottle's harder than a six month old.

[Ellis]

No, it's not. It is a child's skull.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's the softest part of them.

[Ellis]

Are you. One spot of it.

[Dave]

No, the whole thing. Especially at a young age. That's like if you leave a kid on their back for too long. That's why I have a flat back in my head.

[Francis]

No, you don't.

[Dave]

Yes, I do.

[Ellis]

No, you don't.

[Dave]

Look at it.

[Francis]

It's flat as shit.

[Dave]

Swear to God.

[Ellis]

Put your head against the wall.

[Francis]

Oh, my God. It's flush.

[Ellis]

Show me how much of it touches.

[Dave]

No, it's fully flat.

[Francis]

It looks like books on a book.

[Dave]

You remember when I shaved my head?

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. It's a 90 degree angle.

[Francis]

It looked like a thumbnail.

[Dave]

There's an edge right here where it just. The back stops.

[Ellis]

I don't believe you for one second and you're trying to tell me that that's all because you took one nap on the floor as a child?

[Dave]

No, I think they say it's if you're. Yeah.

[Ellis]

Look, if you're.

[Francis]

He was left on the floor. He didn't do enough tummy Tummy time. You have to do tummy time or else you'll get a flat head.

[Dave]

Exactly.

[Francis]

And that's like parents intentionally putting the kid on their tummy. I thought that was just like a fun phrase. It's like prescribed 15 minutes a day. You have to do tummy time. Is that episode 34? We're smoking cigars, celebrating early. Yeah, we popped bottles in the first quarter. We had a good opening kickoff in our celebrating.

[Ellis]

You know what started, I started seeing all over again was this clip of you eating a powdered donut at his apartment.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah.

[Ellis]

That is so funn.

[Dave]

Yeah, well, that was right when I moved in.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Why do we have powdered donuts?

[Dave]

I don't remember. So someone brought donuts, but I remember you just eating them and getting it all over my brand new couch.

[Francis]

It was white powder.

[Dave]

You can't tell on a brand new couch.

[Francis]

Well, where's the cow? Point to the powder then.

[Dave]

That's the Amazon classic, brother.

[Francis]

Point to where the powder is. Because there's like, if you can't detect.

[Dave]

Still there.

[Francis]

Yeah, because you can't tell.

[Dave]

No, you can see it. That couch is just. That's the first thing that's going to

[Ellis]

go in the movement.

[Dave]

Things getting launched up a window. Sticky.

[Francis]

It's squishy.

[Dave]

It's just like I sat in the same seat forever. So one side of it is you

[Francis]

gotta rotate your tires. Yeah, you really gotta rotate your tires or you'll miss a line.

[Dave]

You can sit on one side and the other side. It's just like you can't even sit on it because you're like in the air or.

[Francis]

You gotta fluff that up.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Think of all the people that have slept on that couch.

[Dave]

Not that many.

[Ellis]

Sean.

[Dave]

Sean.

[Francis]

Bo.

[Dave]

Bo.

[Francis]

Sorry.

[Ellis]

Matt Forest.

[Dave]

Forest. Kfvf. That's Matt.

[Francis]

Kfbf.

[Dave]

Kfbf.

[Francis]

Kfef.

[Dave]

Kfvf.

[Ellis]

Has column slept there?

[Dave]

No.

[Ellis]

Has Lemaire?

[Dave]

I don't think, but I think Nate Marshall might have.

[Ellis]

That might have been who it was.

[Dave]

There's been a lot of people that have come through.

[Francis]

So four people are slept on your couch.

[Dave]

Think about four. About four people.

[Francis]

And you're going to get rid of it?

[Dave]

Yeah, no, I'm getting rid of that thing for sure. I'm just going to take one of these. What?

[Francis]

Yeah, these cost. These cost $55,000. Can't have those.

[Ellis]

Well, just take it out of your forever home fund.

[Dave]

Maybe I'll just see if I can get the other half of this and

[Francis]

make an L out of it.

[Dave]

Just make it a love seat seat.

[Francis]

Oh, just push them together like this. I thought you wanted it in.

[Dave]

L. No, no, no.

[Francis]

You want it like a Shay's lounge. Yeah, you should get a Shay's lounge.

[Dave]

It's just. Or a day money. That costs a lot of money.

[Francis]

If you had a. Like a 2, 000 square foot living room, what would you decorate it with?

[Ellis]

Oh, how could you have.

[Francis]

In a conversation pit? I could see you, like, descending down into the middle of the room.

[Ellis]

That's cool.

[Dave]

Like Mad Men. Yeah, yeah. He lives in.

[Francis]

In Mad Men, he has a conversation pit.

[Dave]

Is that what it's called, like, when. It's like the living room, but it's like you have to go down in. To get into it.

[Francis]

In, like the middle of a living room. Has, like a conversation.

[Dave]

Yeah, like that.

[Ellis]

Seats in it.

[Francis]

Oh, it's. I'm talking.

[Ellis]

No. Yeah, this isn't quite it.

[Francis]

Go to a type in Conversation pit.

[Ellis]

Conversation pit.

[Francis]

I think that there's. I heard that there's only like eight of them in the United States.

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

This. These are the good ones.

[Dave]

Oh, I see.

[Francis]

A conversation pit.

[Ellis]

Yeah, these are good.

[Dave]

And what would you talk like? Is that like serious conversation only?

[Ellis]

I would bring you in there and I would say you don't get to leave until we figure out where you're living.

[Dave]

Oh, I see. I see.

[Ellis]

I was going to say we set a goal.

[Dave]

We'd say set a goal. Set a timer.

[Ellis]

Maybe this requires real conversation. No phones in the pit.

[Dave]

Well, I think what you got to do is you got to set up some sort of, like, service blockers in the pit.

[Ellis]

Oh, that'd be cool.

[Francis]

Brick the phone inside the pit. Yeah, get bricked One would be nice.

[Dave]

Stay bricked. You bricked up right now?

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Now?

[Dave]

No, no, it's work hours.

[Francis]

He's got to put in work.

[Dave]

You don't stay bricked during work hours.

[Ellis]

No, I can't say that I do.

[Francis]

The conversational pit would be nice. Obviously you've had an Eames chair for As. I mean, since you were born, probably.

[Dave]

Is that the nice wooden one? I want one of those bad.

[Ellis]

Gotta go to the Design Within Reach outlet store because you'll get them 40% off. Off.

[Dave]

40% off.

[Ellis]

Otherwise. Otherwise they're not affordable.

[Dave]

Yeah. What about, like, a fake one? Do they got any fakes?

[Ellis]

They have fakes. They have. They have.

[Dave]

You can't get a sign. I'm not looking to spend $6,000 on one.

[Ellis]

You can get tons and tons of different.

[Dave]

Price range is about $200?

[Francis]

Yeah. Then an E chair is not for you. There's probably folding chairs you could get. You could probably get a metal folding chair from, like, a church donation bin.

[Ellis]

Yeah, you could.

[Francis]

I mean, you can't fake a chair.

[Dave]

I. I want one of those, but I can't. I just can't swing that.

[Francis]

Yeah, you don't have the space for it right now either.

[Ellis]

You know what?

[Dave]

Yeah. You're not giving me your Eames spoiler.

[Ellis]

Happy birthday. Birthday's coming right up. This is official. I'm giving you my Eames lounge chair.

[Dave]

Isn't your birthday next week?

[Francis]

Yes, it is.

[Ellis]

I don't want to talk about it.

[Dave]

Why? We still have to make our 4 Charles reservation.

[Francis]

I've been. I've been pestering both of you guys to make plans for your birthday.

[Dave]

Francis, you got to get on that.

[Francis]

So you can't say that. I mean, I. I've brought it up mult. Multiple times. You can't say that. It's neglected.

[Dave]

He's brought it up, like, five times.

[Ellis]

I'd like to do something nice for your birthday. I'd like to somehow remove all the tick marks of time in my life and make it just one long band. I am. I am. I'm. We'll go in seasons. I'm in the third quarter of my life.

[Dave]

All right. All right.

[Ellis]

Right.

[Dave]

No, I mean, that's. Yeah. I.

[Francis]

No way.

[Dave]

I don't know. Yeah.

[Francis]

I don't know.

[Ellis]

You think I'm in the second quarter of my life? I think I'm in the third quarter. I don't think I have that much.

[Dave]

Pretty much, like, teetering on the first still.

[Ellis]

No, I am not living past 60.

[Francis]

What?

[Dave]

Yes, you are.

[Ellis]

No chance. That's so. You haven't seen my lipid profile.

[Dave]

Dude, if we went to a doctor right now and they were like, is this guy going to live over 60, they would just look at you and they'd be like, yeah.

[Ellis]

No, but they'd be like, let's see

[Francis]

your grip stream strength. They tell you to hang for two and a half minutes, and they'd be like, yeah, he's 100. He's a centenarian.

[Ellis]

Oh, I had a good workout yesterday.

[Francis]

Were you dangling?

[Ellis]

I was doing pause, pull ups, pull up.

[Francis]

Say something gay.

[Ellis]

Look at the hottest guy in the gym for, like, four seconds. Go down, pause.

[Dave]

Even hitting the bench at all, because I got. I finally got back under the barbell yesterday.

[Ellis]

Attaboy.

[Dave]

Felt great.

[Ellis]

Good.

[Dave]

Good. Felt really good.

[Francis]

What did it feel like?

[Dave]

Like, just felt like I Was a man again.

[Ellis]

What'd you throw on there?

[Dave]

Don't worry about it.

[Ellis]

Tens? No, way more 45s.

[Dave]

No.

[Ellis]

Close. 35s.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

What's wrong with that? It's 125 pounds.

[Dave]

Three sets of eight. Whatever.

[Ellis]

Phenomenal.

[Dave]

Nah, not really. I'm trying. I gotta get back. I gotta get back up to the 135.

[Ellis]

Yeah. Hope a whole dinner plate feels good.

[Dave]

Yeah, you need the full 45.

[Ellis]

You don't want salad plates.

[Francis]

Stick to the, Stick to the dumbbell

[Dave]

until you're ready to. Yeah, you're not wrong.

[Francis]

Long.

[Ellis]

I. I like the. I do the alternating dumbbell press.

[Dave]

Yeah, you hold.

[Ellis]

You hold the other one up high so there's tension the whole time.

[Dave]

I hit, I hit the, the barbell and then I hit the incline dumbbell. But I just did. I did simultaneous. I didn't do.

[Ellis]

That's individuals.

[Francis]

That's so nice.

[Dave]

And then I left. That was all.

[Francis]

I did two top chest exercises.

[Dave]

I opened it and I said I did not have a good workout yesterday.

[Ellis]

Do you sweat?

[Dave]

Yeah, a lot.

[Ellis]

Really?

[Dave]

Like uncontrollable amounts.

[Ellis]

Wow.

[Dave]

Yeah, I got. I got merch from Hilarities. They gave me like a T shirt and a sweatshirt. And I worked out when I got to Detroit like before the show. Cuz I was like, I feel awful. Gotta get the blood going. And when I got back to the hotel room, the shirt was like see through. It was disgust. I just had to throw it in a ball. And after the workout or after the show, had to get rid of the shirt, unfortunately.

[Francis]

After the workout or after the show?

[Dave]

After the workout.

[Francis]

Oh, got it, got it.

[Dave]

Do I sweat while I'm on stage? No, because I take beta blockers and they make it impossible for me to sweat.

[Ellis]

So it just all comes out of your penis?

[Dave]

All comes out of my ass. At the end of the day.

[Francis]

It's not even wet.

[Dave]

At the end of the day, just get everything out.

[Francis]

It's like a dry brick is printed out of your ass. Some. Some dry ice.

[Dave]

Oh man. Did I tell you guys I bought a printer for the passport thing and I couldn't. I couldn't figure out how to get it to work.

[Ellis]

That's disconcerting because I did think that that was something you had.

[Dave]

A printer?

[Ellis]

No, the ability to install and utilize hardware.

[Dave]

I do the printer. It's a. That's a foreign language. It's a lot of like setting it up with the WI fi. I hate that when they like connect to the printer's WI fi.

[Ellis]

I really Thought you were good at that.

[Dave]

I did too.

[Ellis]

I guess you aren't good at anything.

[Dave]

No, Nothing. Not a single thing.

[Ellis]

Damn, dude.

[Francis]

So where the, where's the printer?

[Dave]

Just on the floor. It's a tough scene.

[Francis]

Send that back.

[Dave]

It's a tough scene at the apartment.

[Francis]

You need a printer in your house? No, I have one, but.

[Dave]

Yeah. What do you even use it for? Nothing.

[Francis]

But my wife is for return labels.

[Dave]

Yeah. Because gomen be shopping.

[Francis]

Yeah, they should be shopping.

[Ellis]

Yes, but you know what? If they be shopping, it be better if they be returning.

[Francis]

That is good because it's really not even about the shopping.

[Ellis]

No, it's about the buying it. About the economy.

[Francis]

Yes.

[Dave]

Of shop.

[Francis]

I don't return the psychological.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

If I were to return, I would return. I would have returned that gaming laptop shop weeks ago. A week ago. Yeah. The day I got it, that was sell it.

[Francis]

How much would you sell that to me for right now?

[Dave]

I would sell it to you for like 2500.

[Francis]

2000.

[Dave]

You said 2500.

[Ellis]

How much is it? How much did you buy it for?

[Francis]

5,000.

[Dave]

No, not less.

[Ellis]

How much?

[Dave]

Around. No, significantly less. I. I bought it for around that.

[Francis]

So you're trying to sell to me for face value. I'm trying to take this off your hands.

[Dave]

It's unused.

[Francis]

I'm trying to take it. I'm looking for a deal.

[Dave]

This is brand new.

[Francis]

I'll do 1200.

[Dave]

It's great at YouTube.

[Francis]

I need really fast YouTube.

[Dave]

I mean you can watch any YouTube.

[Francis]

I need the notes app and YouTube. So that would be amazing.

[Dave]

That's all.

[Ellis]

I've.

[Dave]

Literally the only thing I've used it for is YouTube and notes.

[Francis]

Yeah. That's the only app set and it

[Dave]

has a 5070 ti graphics card in it, which is for like pretty much the, like, it's one of the best graphics cards that you can buy.

[Ellis]

Damn, that's. That's too bad.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Francis, you should get it. I bet you'd figure out like a use for it just because you are a true gear head.

[Dave]

You could probably like set your coffee up with it.

[Ellis]

Like, you know, I'm, I'm. Look, I'm a gearhead in terms of the old ways.

[Dave]

Like the wheel. I like the, the knob.

[Ellis]

I like, I like the old things.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

I've moved away from technology. I like high end Amish lifestyle.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah. Like a, like a good, like you got to get one of those. Like a churn. Like a butter to churn.

[Ellis]

I wouldn't be against it.

[Dave]

My grandparents have like Eight of them.

[Ellis]

There's nothing better than making a smoothie using a. Like a winch.

[Dave]

Like one of those mashers.

[Ellis]

If I were to throw carrots, kale, celery, pear, all that in and then there was smoothie. And then take a thing where I have to spin the thing down.

[Dave]

Oh, I see. I see.

[Ellis]

And it just lowers slowly and presses all the juice out of it. That is really nice.

[Dave]

So why don't you buy one of them?

[Ellis]

Because I'm trying not to buy anything these days.

[Dave]

They're 30 to $38.

[Ellis]

I'm on a little bit of a moratorium of buying.

[Dave]

You just bought a coffee maker that was $200,000.

[Ellis]

And that's why I'm sitting out for a little bit. A little.

[Dave]

I'm. I can't.

[Ellis]

Sometimes you gotta cool your jet.

[Dave]

I'm on the same. I'm on the same wavelength right now.

[Francis]

He's playing with his toy.

[Dave]

Yeah. If I. I gotta go to the UK next week. Can't fly. Can't get a bed because I bought this dumbass laptop.

[Ellis]

How are you getting there? Flying on what?

[Dave]

A plane.

[Ellis]

And what's the seat?

[Dave]

What seat am I sitting in?

[Ellis]

What kind of a class cabin are you in?

[Dave]

Coach.

[Ellis]

Are you really?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Yeah. Well, do you have a window seat?

[Dave]

I don't. I don't even. I don't think so. It's like 36E.

[Ellis]

Have you. Have you booked the flight?

[Dave]

No. This is barstool. Booked it.

[Ellis]

They're paying for it.

[Dave]

Yeah, but I was going to upgrade the. Upgrade? It is so expensive.

[Francis]

Dude, you got to upgrade that. Your diamond, brother.

[Dave]

It's United.

[Francis]

Yeah, I love United. I actually love United.

[Dave]

I love United.

[Francis]

Yeah, they're so great.

[Ellis]

I'm really glad you are finally fucking eating the you threw me into.

[Francis]

Dude.

[Dave]

It's just if I didn't buy the gaming laptop, I 1000% would have upgraded.

[Ellis]

Do you remember when you said that you would pay for me to sit first class because you had gotten me demoted?

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellis]

I'll take the laptop.

[Dave]

That's not going to be that trade off. I thought where you are you going somewhere this weekend?

[Ellis]

You're talking. You said all my flights.

[Dave]

Yeah, that has nothing to do with the laptop.

[Francis]

Yeah, but it's the same price. It's. It's actually would be a deal for you.

[Dave]

Deal for you way less.

[Ellis]

What are you talking.

[Dave]

You have to buy the standard flight and I'll upgrade you to first class. It's like gonna be like 150 bucks.

[Ellis]

For how long?

[Francis]

This Year.

[Ellis]

Do you have any, any clue what you're talking about?

[Francis]

You should run.

[Dave]

There will be. There's got to be some sort of limit the year.

[Ellis]

Well, it would only be barstool flights.

[Dave]

Yes, only barstool flights. But it depends on where you're going.

[Ellis]

What do you mean?

[Dave]

You're going to Venezuela or some. I'm not spending ten grand to get you there.

[Ellis]

There. We're going to Ireland.

[Dave]

No, no, no. International.

[Ellis]

Why not? I would have had that. That's what you got me demoted from.

[Dave]

You'll still get it. You're still going to get it. They're going to give it to you anyway. Don't they have to for those long ass flights?

[Ellis]

I don't know man.

[Dave]

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not getting.

[Ellis]

I just want to find some way to Ireland. Watch you just squirm.

[Francis]

No, he's got to pay you back even if it's domestic. So if it's not domestic. I'm willing if it's domestic. And like in exchange for those, you get them like a couple weekends, as many foreign trips. Then you have to get those like Denver flight.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

As opposed to that for a weekend.

[Dave]

Let's say like Denver you get, you get the standard and then however much it is to upgrade to first class. 100 bucks, 300 bucks. I'll pay it. I'll pay it.

[Ellis]

I bet you've already off such better with giving me the laptop.

[Dave]

I don't think so. Yes. Cuz then I'm. No.

[Francis]

How many fights have you taken this year for.

[Ellis]

For barstool or total?

[Francis]

Sure. With a couple weekends thrown in. Like two weekends thrown in for international trips.

[Dave]

Yeah. That's fair.

[Ellis]

I can't. For bar four Barstool mostly. I don't know, five, six, eight, something like that.

[Dave]

Okay. It's a little bit more than I was anticipating.

[Francis]

And that's the. We're not even. We just finished the first quarter of the year.

[Ellis]

Been to Chicago a couple like twice

[Dave]

and they were flying. They're flying you in coach?

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And you used to fly first. Chicago.

[Ellis]

Oh absolutely, absolutely.

[Dave]

I got you for Chicago. I got you.

[Ellis]

I'm not actually going to hold you.

[Dave]

That'll be the deal.

[Ellis]

I don't, I don't would never expect you to actually do that. I don't care.

[Dave]

I'm telling you right now for Chicago, I got you. Okay.

[Francis]

I mean you're not even going to be looking at a tv.

[Dave]

No. Eight hours sitting.

[Francis]

No, not. No, I'm saying, I'm saying on the Chicago first class flights.

[Ellis]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

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[Dave]

I'd love to.

[Francis]

It was. It's.

[Ellis]

I could do 10.

[Francis]

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[Dave]

I mean, they're flex spins. I'm going all 500.

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[Dave]

Alrighty, folks, let's talk about Lucy.

[Ellis]

Oh, you're a big Lucy guy.

[Dave]

I'm a big Lucy guy. If you know one thing about me, it's that I love Lucy. And I really love the Lucy Breakers.

[Ellis]

Personally call this guy Ricky over here so much.

[Dave]

Any of the flavors are good for me. I mean, I'm like mint, you know? I'm a standard mint guy. Wintergreen, perhaps. Lucy is the obvious choice for true nicotine pouch connoisseurs. That's why they're the official nicotine pouch partner of Barstool Sports. Every other pouch is the same. Lucy breakers are the only ones doing it different. They've got you a nice little hydration capsule in there that's gonna make that flavor last a lot longer. Lucy pouches go up to 12 milligrams in strength and have a unique shape. That feels great. Lucy is in stores nationwide or get Lucy delivered to you ASAP on apps like DoorDash or GoPuff. I do that. I do that.

[Francis]

You always have.

[Dave]

I do that personally. Lucy is the only pouch that delivers long lasting, on demand flavor. Find a store near you at Lucy Co stores and get it shipped with 20 off your first order at Lucy Co Boydad using code Boydad. Lucy products are for adults of legal age and every customer is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Ellis]

Your flight to Birmingham is not going to be eight hours. It's going to be. It's going to be five and a half.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

It'll shock you how short it is.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah. You're going to London.

[Dave]

To go to London and then a

[Ellis]

jumper from there to.

[Dave]

Now we're driving. Oh, it's two hours, dude.

[Francis]

It's going to take two hours for you to leave London.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Do you have time in London to go to a musical?

[Dave]

That's what we're. Well, no, not in a musical, but we're going like a day early to go to London.

[Ellis]

Is your mom coming?

[Dave]

No.

[Francis]

Is anyone from her sewing circle coming?

[Dave]

No, no one related to me is going.

[Ellis]

Are you not seeing the musical because you wouldn't do that without her.

[Dave]

I would, yeah. I would never go to a musical without my mother.

[Ellis]

I agree. That seems fair because that's your thing.

[Dave]

Well, it's the only reason I would ever go to one.

[Ellis]

Don't say that.

[Dave]

It's true. I mean, it's true.

[Francis]

What's her name's doing? Oh, Mary. Amy.

[Dave]

No, Amy Winehouse.

[Francis]

Amy Winehouse is going to be an oh Mary.

[Dave]

Did that Amy Winehouse movie ever come out? The one that everyone was like freaking out about being like, they can't make this.

[Francis]

They have Maya Rudolph playing Amy Winehouse in that movie.

[Dave]

Really?

[Francis]

I think so.

[Ellis]

Did you see that the cast for White Lotus was announced?

[Francis]

No. That means you're not in it.

[Ellis]

That's right.

[Dave]

Oh, that is sickening.

[Francis]

Why would you bury the lead?

[Dave]

I know, that's so bad.

[Francis]

How hurt are you?

[Ellis]

Well, I saw. I'm pretty sure that my. The role I auditioned for went to like a guy who's.

[Dave]

That's what happened to me.

[Ellis]

Some fucking, like huge breakout star actor.

[Dave]

Yeah, that's what happened to me.

[Ellis]

And I was telling myself the whole time, I was like, white Lotus, they do cast people who are lesser known.

[Dave]

I'm honestly surprised to catch people right

[Ellis]

on the way up, you know?

[Dave]

Yeah, I thought you would get something, to be honest. No. I don't know. I mean, maybe not like.

[Ellis]

I don't know.

[Francis]

Living Ludwig.

[Ellis]

That guy would look like the guy that I would have been. We would have been trying for the same role.

[Dave]

You know what I think you need to get into, Francis, is looks maxing.

[Francis]

Oh, it could be this guy. Yeah. Would you be willing to hit your face with a hammer? A little hammer. Not like, super hard. Just be like, Dink. Dink.

[Dave]

Yeah. Just sort of crush the bones a little bit and rebuild them.

[Ellis]

Oh, that woman's pretty.

[Francis]

That would have been your love interest, brother.

[Dave]

The whole. You guys probably would have ended up together in real life, but not anymore.

[Ellis]

No. No. Mas.

[Francis]

Is this really the cast and you couldn't get in?

[Ellis]

What would you do if you. Camille. Nan. Camil. Nan's in it.

[Dave]

What would you. If your name showed up and, like. Like, Mike hadn't called you back yet?

[Francis]

I got news. I got good news.

[Ellis]

Like, you're not getting. Camille's in it.

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Skip,

[Ellis]

that's why I brought this up.

[Dave]

Is Rob McElhenny in it, too?

[Ellis]

I saw him in Omari.

[Francis]

Kumail was in Omari?

[Ellis]

Yeah. He played Lincoln.

[Francis]

Oh, amazing. When I went, yeah, I was Lincoln.

[Dave]

Yeah. Fruity Lincoln.

[Francis]

But that. Yeah. My Rudolph is going to be Mary. And that would be a nice play to take your mom to. It's not a musical. It's not a musical.

[Ellis]

She'd love it.

[Dave]

It's a play.

[Ellis]

When can I hang out with your parents?

[Dave]

I think I'm gonna go home for my birthday.

[Ellis]

Do you want to do it together? Because we're close.

[Dave]

I mean, we're all close, but you

[Ellis]

and I are especially close.

[Dave]

When's yours? 25th.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yours is the 30th.

[Ellis]

26th of March.

[Dave]

Yeah, I know.

[Ellis]

He's 25th of April.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

And you're April 4th.

[Dave]

4th. 5th.

[Francis]

Cinco de Mayo.

[Dave]

Cinco de Mayo. Also Easter.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah. Maybe an Easter barbecue.

[Dave]

Do you guys think Skip was gonna say something nasty? Decided. I don't feel like it. Just really been practicing positivity lately.

[Francis]

Who is it going to be towards Israel?

[Dave]

I was gonna say, do you think Netanyahu's gonna rise, guys. From the ashes?

[Francis]

I thought you were.

[Dave]

People think he's dead.

[Francis]

Yahoo.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah. What's nasty about that?

[Dave]

I don't know, but people think he's dead. Have you guys been keeping up on, like, the AI videos?

[Francis]

People think everybody's dead. People think Trump's. Trump's dead.

[Dave]

Do they?

[Francis]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave]

And I'm sure someone does.

[Francis]

They said. Because that's that thing on his neck. He had, like, a rash on his neck.

[Dave]

Yeah, he's got a bunch of. But I think that's from taking, like, a bunch of aspects.

[Francis]

Friend from the Peptides.

[Ellis]

Did you see that movie? I don't know what it was called, but it had Kevin Klein playing the President of the United States, where the president dies and he's like an impersonator.

[Dave]

White hot, white, white house down.

[Ellis]

No. Dave, did you ever see this?

[Francis]

Yeah, I did. This is great.

[Ellis]

That's a great movie.

[Francis]

I mean, he looks just like him. Yeah, he's very presidential, too.

[Ellis]

Yeah. This is a really good movie.

[Dave]

Have you guys ever seen. What is this movie that I was. That I was looking? Kingdom of Heaven.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Is it good?

[Ellis]

Yeah. Are you talking about the one about Saudi Arabia with Jamie Foxx and.

[Dave]

I don't think so.

[Ellis]

No, that's the Kingdom. Kingdom of Heaven is like medieval Times.

[Dave]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ellis]

I never saw that. It's got Liam Neeson in it.

[Dave]

I don't know who's in it.

[Ellis]

I just keep on seeing Orlando Bloom is in it.

[Dave]

I keep on seeing clips of it. And I was like, should I watch it? And then I literally.

[Francis]

It's not E Fledger, is it? No, it's not.

[Ellis]

I never saw Kingdom of Heaven. The Kingdom is a good movie.

[Francis]

City of God is good. Children of men is good.

[Dave]

City of God's great Syrian. Children of men's great Syriana. 3. Sirian is a terrible coach.

[Francis]

You're dumb. You're still in valor with that Harvard. And who's number 18 and 81 on the side?

[Dave]

I wore the to the gym yesterday. Had a lot of people looking.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah. This feels good. Like, there's a. There's a certain privilege when you. When you're walking around.

[Ellis]

It's official gear. That's official gear. That's. That was brought out of the equation. Equipment closet. I'm not kidding you.

[Dave]

No, I believe you.

[Ellis]

That is only worn by players and me. Yeah, well, let's put it this way. If you're gonna continue to wear that iron it out, you need to start.

[Dave]

What, is it wrinkled?

[Ellis]

No, no, no, no. Don't make him self conscious. He will stop wearing it.

[Dave]

Is it wrinkled?

[Ellis]

I want you to wear this every day that we record for the next, like, years. Stop.

[Dave]

It's pretty bad.

[Ellis]

Not wrinkles.

[Dave]

Pretty banged up. You got your. That's like you got your Strafford on.

[Francis]

On. Of course, I'm always supporting Stratford.

[Dave]

Yeah. They got to send me some more gear.

[Francis]

I think there's that. Other hoodies in that box.

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

We got more gear over there? Yeah, sick.

[Dave]

Sweet. We'll have to look through that, but, yeah, sick. I wore my Harvard gear to the gym, and it's definitely getting a lot more looks than usual.

[Ellis]

Can I come on one of these apartment tours with you?

[Dave]

There's no. They're so pointless and no unhelpful. That, like.

[Ellis]

No.

[Dave]

Like, dude, this guy. You need to.

[Ellis]

You need to spend. Sometimes you need to see 15 apartments.

[Dave]

Yeah, I know.

[Ellis]

That's how it works.

[Dave]

Yeah. The one that I saw today was. I mean, it was just, like. It was, like, funny how dumb it was.

[Francis]

Never gonna be the first one, though. That's. You got to get the first one out of the way.

[Dave]

The one. The place I live at right now was the first place I looked.

[Francis]

That's so lazy.

[Dave]

I know.

[Francis]

And not even threaten anything else to beat it out.

[Dave]

It was the best option by a monster aisle.

[Francis]

You looked at more apartments or. It was just the first one.

[Dave]

The first one. The one that I live. The. Where I live right now was the first place I looked at.

[Francis]

Did you look at a second place?

[Dave]

No.

[Francis]

No.

[Dave]

I literally, like, I left that, and I was like, let's. Can I sign it today?

[Francis]

And we signed that day to not shop at all.

[Dave]

Ended up working out. Lived there for, what, four years, I guess.

[Francis]

But you would have lived anywhere that you saw.

[Dave]

No, I wouldn't. I knew that place was going to be good.

[Ellis]

You need more space to put your clothes on the floor. Floor.

[Dave]

I need more space for a lot of things.

[Francis]

How do you put your clothes flat on the floor? But then they're also balled up.

[Ellis]

You have all this Harvard gear now. You need more room.

[Dave]

I need way more room.

[Ellis]

You need to be able to say, like, where's my Harvard? Oh, there it is, lying completely flat on the floor of my bedroom.

[Dave]

I'm gonna get some. I'm gonna get some DePaul gear for us.

[Francis]

I'll bring the steak gear, boys. Yeah, I want you both wearing some pen steak.

[Dave]

I would love to.

[Francis]

To. It's. It's the new. It's the Nike shirt that says Joe Pa didn't know.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Joe had no idea. So, like, leave him alone.

[Dave]

Yeah, get me one of those. I would wear that gladly. Free Joe Pa. God rest his soul.

[Francis]

Joe Pa had no idea. And so just like, drop it.

[Dave]

I'm. I'm always down to rock some new gear. Like, a Penn State gear would be huge. I'm going to hit up to Paul, see if the Lacrosse club can send some stuff out, and then you're going

[Francis]

to bring Francis to the gym, and

[Dave]

then we're gonna go to the gym together.

[Ellis]

Let's go lift.

[Dave]

Yeah, I'll.

[Ellis]

I'll break you.

[Dave]

Yeah. That's why I'm not really, like, I'm gonna break you. Like, I need to be in the right mindset to be broken in the gym. Like, when I went to Detroit, I was ready to be broken and I

[Francis]

broke myself at the hotel gym. You broke yourself?

[Dave]

Yeah. Well, can't break it, though. Broke down.

[Francis]

I don't think it's possible. Yeah, with, like, the medicine ball or, like, the.

[Dave]

No, it was yoga ball. Swear to God. It was the nicest hotel gym I've ever been in.

[Francis]

Really?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

The best hotel gyms are in hotels that also have residential parts to them.

[Dave]

Oh, yeah.

[Ellis]

The residents and the hotel guests share the gym.

[Dave]

Yeah. This one was me and one other person, which sucks. Never want to have another person in there. You want the space to yourself.

[Ellis]

The whole gym, you need it all to yourself.

[Dave]

It's pretty small.

[Ellis]

I like to. When I'm in a gym and there's one other person in there, I just go. Especially if they're on the treadmill, I go right next to them. And then whatever their numbers are, I go 0.1. Higher.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Across the board.

[Francis]

One incline higher.

[Ellis]

One incline higher. If they're at 6.0, I'm at 6.1.

[Dave]

I was at 10.

[Francis]

You would have been at 11.

[Ellis]

Yeah, I would have been at 10.5.

[Dave]

I hit the incline on 10.

[Francis]

And you wouldn't have broken eye contact. You'd just be staring at him as you fucking walk.

[Ellis]

That's right.

[Francis]

Until he breaks.

[Dave]

I go. I go to the gym. Like, when I'm on the road, I'll go to the gym and I'll go to the incline treadmill. And then I'll just pull up, like, Michael Jordan highlights and just watch them on my phone.

[Ellis]

That's pretty good.

[Dave]

Like, motivational speeches playing over it.

[Ellis]

Yeah. I'd pull up LeBron highlights.

[Francis]

Really?

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

Next to you, LeBron. And I'd be like, here's my goat.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

If you were peeing at a urinal and there were like a line of 10 urinals, I wouldn't just pee in the one next to you. I'd actually come and piss in the same one.

[Dave]

Never pissing at the urinal.

[Ellis]

I would pull up and be like, look at the pressure. I'm power washing this thing.

[Dave]

You'll literally never catch me at A urinal journal. I'm a stall pisser. Strictly. Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

You need a toilet, you stand up at a stall.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You put the seat up.

[Ellis]

No, no, he doesn't.

[Francis]

You just destroy stall seats.

[Dave]

No, no, I'll wipe it down if I have to.

[Ellis]

No, you will never absolutely, in no world, absolutely piss in a stall, piss on the seat and be like, I. I gotta make that nice for the next.

[Dave]

If there's a ton of piss already on it. Absolutely not. If there's no piss on it, I do it every time.

[Francis]

Why don't you pick it up with your foot?

[Dave]

Cuz I just grew up in a house where it was mostly women and I never did. I don't even do that at my own apartment.

[Ellis]

I would.

[Dave]

The toilet seat has never been up.

[Ellis]

For the sake of women, I raised the seat.

[Francis]

Wait, you wipe your toilet seat down every day at your own apartment?

[Dave]

Yes.

[Francis]

That's so inefficient.

[Dave]

Probably like five times a day because

[Francis]

you don't want to bend over at the beginning to pick it up. So you wait until the end to bend over and also have to do.

[Dave]

Well, you're hoping to throw a perfect game. Yeah.

[Francis]

But you, you don't know. You think you're Nolan Ryan, dude. You're a double. A relief pitcher.

[Dave]

You're hoping to not have any hit the toilet seat at all, which does happen quite often.

[Francis]

No way. It happens often.

[Dave]

It does. But then of course there is the off chance where you have.

[Francis]

How many perfect games are you throwing a year?

[Dave]

A year? Yeah, I would say I throw like three or four a day.

[Francis]

No way.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Unpeed on toilet seat like morning.

[Dave]

Never a perfect game.

[Francis]

Of course not.

[Dave]

Never. Usually a mess. Why wouldn't you second piss of the day?

[Ellis]

Why would you lift the seat for the morning one then at the least if you know you're gonna piss all over it and you're gonna have to clean that up. Why don't you fucking lift the seat?

[Dave]

I don't know. I really just like, I don't.

[Francis]

Ultimate micro laziness. Yeah, I get.

[Dave]

I don't think it's a micro laziness. I think I just don't really care because I've just been doing it like that my whole life.

[Francis]

But like, like I vision you will bend over. That's a piece of work that you don't want to do at the beginning. So you're like, maybe I'll do be perfect. But you've never been perfect. And so you have to bend over later on and bend over to get toilet paper and bend over to wipe it off. It's like four more moves that you have to do just because you don't want to do the first move.

[Dave]

I just. I don't know. I don't know what. Like, I remember one time we recorded the podcast at my apartment, and one of you guys pissed in my bathroom and you left the toilet seat up. And I remember, like, vividly being mad that the toilet seat was up when I came back in. I was like, oh, no, it stays down here.

[Ellis]

I would never pee in your apartment.

[Dave]

You definitely have.

[Ellis]

No, I haven't. Yeah, yeah, I've never used your toilet.

[Dave]

You definitely.

[Francis]

His penis has never touched open.

[Dave]

Recorded like, 30 episodes.

[Ellis]

I know, but I just. I mean, I went in there and just could tell, like, this. This guy's been fucking peeing all over the place. The fumes from his urine will climb up my nostrils. Dude, for. For what it's worth, like, there is something to me to be said about how you. You almost have. You can be a little less considerate about who's coming to use the bathroom after you if you know it's just men. So if it's a single sex bathroom, your own bathroom. What. Whatever. But the fact that you did that in a household full of women.

[Dave]

But that's why I'm so good at cleaning up every single time. Because they would yell at me, and

[Ellis]

that means all over me. If they're yelling at you, then they are. Then you're not good at it.

[Dave]

Well, they yelled at me when. I mean, I was probably like a child. It's not like when I go home now, my mom's like, did you wipe off the toilet seat?

[Ellis]

But did you. Did they not say lift the seat?

[Dave]

No, I don't think we ever really. Like. I don't know if my dad does. I'd have to ask him.

[Ellis]

Your mom was like, harry, we understand that you are incapable of lifting the seat. So we're going to work with what we've got, and you need to be very, very meticulous.

[Dave]

They would be more mad when they got in. And then they went to sit down and there was no toilet seat.

[Francis]

But why don't you put the toilet seat down? It's like, lift the toilet seat. Pee. Put the toilet seat down.

[Ellis]

That's the.

[Francis]

That's still three.

[Dave]

That's what you guys do.

[Ellis]

That's the prescription for polite men. That is what we are supposed to do.

[Dave]

Every time you go piss, you. You lift it up, you piss, and then you put it back down.

[Ellis]

If I'm in the.

[Dave]

Every time.

[Ellis]

If I'm in the men's bathroom at an airport or a stadium or something, I'm not. I'm using the toilet.

[Dave]

Touching the toilet.

[Ellis]

No, I know. If the toilet seat is up, I will pee and not put it down. Yeah, that's fine. That's like, yeah, men, men are using this thing and if you're going to take a. You got to do what you got to do to prep for that.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellis]

But single sex or, excuse me, single use co ed bathrooms.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

I am fully honoring the. The nightmare it is to be a woman where you have to sit down every time for both.

[Dave]

So what do you think the reason is behind? Like, are you saying you're doing this because, like, like, what am I doing wrong here?

[Ellis]

You're not being empathetic. You're not being a considerate person.

[Dave]

But how. I'm not. I'm not leaving piss everywhere ever.

[Ellis]

Honestly, dude, I think that no matter

[Dave]

how you just don't want the piss on the toilet. Toilet seat in the first place. Is what you're saying correct.

[Ellis]

No matter how much you clean it. Like, you're still pissing all over the surface.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellis]

That will be used, presumably by people.

[Dave]

Yeah, I could see, I could see that.

[Francis]

It's more that I like, have assessed the laziness in my own life of like the type.

[Dave]

But it's not a laziness.

[Francis]

But you're, you're like, it's, it's laziness by, like not thinking of it. It's not like, like it's not something

[Dave]

I think of because I've never, I've literally been doing this my entire life.

[Francis]

But it's just like, how can I move through my day more efficiently every

[Ellis]

once in a while? We just.

[Dave]

Dude, I don't even, like, I'll be honest. Like, if I'm at my apartment, like, I don't even flush the toilet after I piss. Sometimes I'm like, I'm just gonna go right back in and piss in two minutes. I piss like every ten minutes at home. Drink a lot of fluid.

[Ellis]

You're. This is gross.

[Dave]

Well, that's. It's my own space. I'm allowed to do whatever I want.

[Ellis]

But don't tell us I could shit

[Dave]

in there and not flush it if I wanted to know. I'm just saying, like, it's not a late. Like, if you want to see lay. Like, that's lazy. Not flushing the toilet after you piss. That's lazy. But I'm wiping the Toilet down every time.

[Francis]

Yeah. It's just. I mean, you should just like, if you're worried about touching it, just like you should be able to do all of it with your foot. Like.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Or get the Japanese.

[Ellis]

This is an extension of you filming yourself in your outfits instead of doing the one hour of work it would take to buy a mirror and hang it that.

[Dave]

Like.

[Francis]

Yeah, I guess a million smaller, more annoying movements than one.

[Dave]

It's not. It doesn't even bother me. It doesn't bother me at all. I don't even think about it.

[Ellis]

No. Maybe. But maybe you.

[Dave]

And it's not like, let's. You don't even realize you. I'm not just like pissing all over. Like, it'll be like a drop of piss.

[Ellis]

This is what you do now.

[Dave]

It's.

[Ellis]

I'm not realize.

[Dave]

You're not hosing down the bathroom.

[Ellis]

You realize you've admitted. You realize you've admitted something that goes against consensus. And then you start sort of mitigating the act. This is when you were like, I'm driving 148 miles an hour in the left lane and people are needing me to move.

[Dave]

This is. I'm. I don't. I'm not as passionate about this one.

[Francis]

That's okay.

[Dave]

As I. As I was the look. The left lane camping or the. What was the other one?

[Francis]

This isn't the hill you want to die on the piss toilet seat.

[Dave]

It's just one that I'm. You're not.

[Francis]

Well, how about.

[Dave]

You're not gonna be able to sway me.

[Francis]

No. Just try it.

[Dave]

It's like telling someone who's been wiping front to back to start wiping back to front. It's like you're never gonna train. Like they've been doing it their whole life.

[Ellis]

But that's just for you. Whereas to change this would benefit you and the person that comes after you, by the way, whoever in your own bathroom. I agree to do it however you want.

[Dave]

Do whatever you want.

[Ellis]

Want. Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Or just use a urinal then, like, if you. If you don't give a. That this is all caused by you not wanting to use a urinal.

[Dave]

Look, I. I could go into the bathroom and piss and you wouldn't even. That's why completely forgot urinals are created

[Francis]

for this, like, problem. We don't want to have to deal with toilets. He's putting them up, putting them. Like, that's a rare thing that we have.

[Dave]

Yeah. Or you could just say, I'm going to. I also never have to deal with that. Because I don't. Never goes up or down.

[Ellis]

Why. Why don't you pee in urinals?

[Dave]

Because I have a shy bladder.

[Ellis]

Well, what if it's. What if it's like a single use bathroom and there's a urinal? Yeah, yeah, of course you'll use the urinal.

[Dave]

Yeah. But I though I do something a little bit weird where I piss all over the handle that you have to

[Ellis]

flush and then you wipe it down, you deflect it off the handle into the bowl, you clean it.

[Dave]

I don't like to piss right into the bowl.

[Ellis]

You've been doing it your whole life.

[Dave]

Sit by angles.

[Ellis]

Grew up in a house full of people that peed on the handle.

[Dave]

It's just how we've always done it. I've always been peeing.

[Francis]

You just use one full roll of toilet paper to clean it off every single time.

[Ellis]

You are a very eccentric cat and I love these things about you. But I do think that there is an easier life for you do if you would consider breaking some of these habits.

[Dave]

Yeah, I'll give it a try. I'm willing to. I'm willing to learn, adapt.

[Francis]

Put the toilet seat up, piss and then put it down.

[Dave]

Yeah, I just.

[Francis]

Or leave it up and have other people mad at you. Who gives a. It's the same as sitting in the left lane. What does it matter?

[Ellis]

Yeah, I'd almost rather you do that. I really would.

[Dave]

Really. You rather leave it up?

[Ellis]

That's like.

[Dave]

Say you're a woman. You're. Say now you're. You're a girl.

[Ellis]

Because then. Then a woman just puts the seat down and it's not pissed all over.

[Dave]

But. Yeah, but now instead they're touching the first of all, bottom of the seat.

[Ellis]

No, under the seat. Put it on the. You grab the top of it. You can do a little.

[Dave]

That's ass.

[Francis]

That's gooch.

[Dave]

You're grabbing gooch.

[Ellis]

If you're doing that, there's nothing you can say that will make I think

[Dave]

any part of this seat way to

[Ellis]

do it that you piss all over the seat. And then you're like, oh, I've done it again, as I always do. Good thing I've got a beach towel handy to my. There's my piss towel.

[Dave]

Now you're twisting words and you're adding shit. I'm using toilet paper. A dude wipe perhaps.

[Francis]

And you're wasting a dude wipe on that.

[Dave]

I have. I have. Yeah.

[Francis]

What?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

What? How, how much? And then what do you do with the toilet paper? So there you go.

[Dave]

Flush it down the toilet. Wait, opposed to what?

[Ellis]

I wasn't. I'm still there.

[Francis]

You eat it, right?

[Dave]

Save it for a rainy day.

[Ellis]

Don't you dare make me the weird one here. We're. We're diagnosing your fucking neuroses here. So. So you. I was wondering if maybe you pissed all of the seat, flushed and then wiped and then threw it in and flushed again.

[Dave]

No, no, no. It's one fluid motion.

[Ellis]

You say, I've. I've. I'm, you know, over here.

[Dave]

Pissed. Oh, a little bit on the seat, grab a little teepee, give it a full. That's the thing too. I don't even just hit the sweet spot. I hit the whole thing.

[Ellis]

Nice.

[Francis]

You got to go both directions, though.

[Dave]

Of course. Yeah.

[Francis]

Okay.

[Ellis]

Of course.

[Francis]

As long as you're going both directions.

[Dave]

Of course I'm going both directions.

[Ellis]

Actions.

[Francis]

Well, that's fine.

[Dave]

And then it's done. And then it's over. And. And then. And then the toilet seat's already down and no one had to grab it. No one had to touch the toilet seat with their bare hands.

[Ellis]

Do you know though, that also like.

[Dave]

No.

[Ellis]

You understand really quick, though, that when you just wipe the piss off the seat, you're not like sterilizing the seat.

[Dave]

No, no. But also you're not sterilizing the seat either, ever.

[Ellis]

This toilet seat is probably cleaner by me never coming into any contact with it with my piss.

[Dave]

You don't think your. Your raw ass hitting the toilet seats making it a little dirty.

[Ellis]

The world has accepted that we all. And sit down.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

And that.

[Dave]

And your ass.

[Ellis]

We had that conversation already. The backs of my legs are clean.

[Dave]

So you think

[Ellis]

there's never been a page in the guidebook of life that said that one had to wipe down? Unless you.

[Dave]

I don't think on this is that. I don't think this is as uncommon as you guys think.

[Francis]

I just think it's inefficient. It's something that I sound off in the comments.

[Ellis]

Can we hear. Can we hear from you guys just really quick.

[Dave]

You just piss in the toilet. Exactly. They all do it. They're all on my side. This is crazy, Max.

[Francis]

A seat lifter.

[Dave]

Seat lifter.

[Francis]

To like leaving the pee in the toilet.

[Dave]

Not flushing it. Yeah. Myself. Yeah. Wow, this is tough. This is tough.

[Francis]

You.

[Dave]

You do.

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You do what he does.

[Francis]

Does. Not that, but a little bit.

[Ellis]

Yeah, yeah, Yeah.

[Francis]

We could. Off piss. This is fascinating. Piss.

[Ellis]

I wouldn't have thought that I was the oddball on this one.

[Dave]

Tough.

[Ellis]

But I'VE been wrong before.

[Francis]

I, I don't think that too many people are going to be like, you don't piss everywhere.

[Ellis]

What, Francis? You put the seat up and then down, Scumbag. What a loser.

[Dave]

I'm surprised, I will say.

[Ellis]

I mean, I grew up in a house of women too, so that was where I learned that I was barked at. Like, put the seat up.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellis]

Then put it back down.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Women do act like putting the seat down themselves is like. Like you had to. Like they were held at gunpoint and like.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah, that is true.

[Francis]

Or that they have to like flip a bale of hay.

[Dave]

I wouldn't know.

[Francis]

You don't even know how heavy a toilet seat is.

[Dave]

No idea. I couldn't tell you. It's like people are like, how much does a gallon of milk wet. How much is a gallon of milk?

[Francis]

Yeah, how much is a.

[Dave]

How much is a toilet seat weigh? No idea.

[Francis]

Never touch one. Like 16 pounds or something.

[Dave]

Probably the gallon of milk thing is a little odd. Are we trying to. What time is it? Are we trying to wrap up this, this up?

[Ellis]

No, we, we finally found our groove.

[Dave]

I was going to say the gallon of milk thing's always funny to me when people are like, like the Kardashians are always like, I just want to know how much a gallon of milk. Like, I, I don't know, normal. Like, no one knows that. Who's keeping track of that?

[Ellis]

Of how much it weighs?

[Dave]

A gallon of milk costs.

[Ellis]

Oh, costs?

[Dave]

Yeah. It's like every time you go to the grocery store, you're like up a cent today.

[Francis]

I think it. When it, when it jumps from $3 to $5, the squeeze happens to American, real good, hard working American families.

[Dave]

That makes sense. Sense.

[Francis]

But it must be nice to live in your privileged bubble. Or you just have no idea.

[Dave]

I have, I have legitimately. I've never bought a gallon of milk.

[Francis]

Really?

[Dave]

Yeah. I pay someone to do it.

[Francis]

You don't even.

[Dave]

I just don't drink milk.

[Francis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave]

I'm not just slamming milk. And I don't think the Kardashians are either, so why would they? Ultimate.

[Francis]

It's the ultimate flex. Gas goes up, doesn't affect me. Milk goes up, doesn't affect me.

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah. But is milk going up and down like that? Like, it's like a. Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

It's like Nvidia.

[Dave]

Really?

[Ellis]

When Trump bombed all the cow farms in Iran. Yeah, yeah. The cost of milk went up huge.

[Dave]

Milk's gonna skyrocket from there.

[Francis]

That's how the Beef started.

[Dave]

But then, then the good thing, the good thing.

[Francis]

I really didn't even mean it like that. Just their cows are sacred.

[Dave]

The good thing that you can do there, though, is just not drink milk. I just think it's a funny one that everyone uses.

[Francis]

I agree. I think the cost of specific groceries. Yeah, I don't see people abstaining either. If they're just like, you're just gonna pay for it.

[Ellis]

I usually hear this more with a carton of eggs than a gallon of milk.

[Dave]

I feel like I'm all like in succession. There's that scene where the main guy, the Logan, he's asking everyone how much is a gallon of milk? And they don't know. And he goes, I'm surrounded by snakes and morons.

[Francis]

Four bucks. Yeah, I guess.

[Dave]

But that's the. That's the thing. It's like I. I don't. If Logan Roy asked me that, I don't think I'm in this financial bracket of not getting. Getting to know what. Not having to know what a gallon of milk costs. But I think I would just simply say I don't know. Well, Logan, I don't know. I don't have the answer.

[Francis]

How about gas? You know how much gas costs?

[Dave]

Yeah, I mean, that goes up all the time.

[Francis]

No, but what do you think, Cross?

[Dave]

I think diesel just hit six. That's actually true.

[Francis]

Let's go. So you're tapped in. 356. Okay. You're not tapped in.

[Dave]

Not tapped in. I swear. I swear. I heard that diesel just skyrocked.

[Francis]

The diesel hit six. That's how we'll know if he's tapped in to the CDL network.

[Dave]

Swear. I could have seen diesel. Oh, no, it just hit over. Yeah, no, it must have.

[Francis]

Diesel's almost at 6.

[Dave]

Diesel's. Diesel's. It's getting close to 6. And you know it's only going to keep going up.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

As long as this war continues. Two wars.

[Francis]

New York State average is that 625.

[Ellis]

525.

[Dave]

525. Though that's the New York average that hasn't considered.

[Francis]

So some places it's six. In the city, it's probably six.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

You boys wouldn't know that.

[Francis]

What are you talking about?

[Dave]

Well, he has an electric car, so he has no reason to know it.

[Ellis]

I buy it. I have a tractor. My John Deere.

[Francis]

You're the school bus.

[Ellis]

We use the tractor to plow the driveway.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ellis]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Where?

[Ellis]

Maine.

[Dave]

Oh, okay.

[Ellis]

Has four gears.

[Dave]

Well, then by that means I have a tractor. As well. And a car.

[Ellis]

No, you don't have a tractor.

[Francis]

You have a tractor? Tractor?

[Dave]

Not actually, no.

[Ellis]

Why would you say that?

[Dave]

No, I think my parents have a John Deere.

[Ellis]

No, they don't. They used to a riding mower at most. We had a. We had a bucket loading like real four gear tractor.

[Francis]

You had to drive it.

[Ellis]

I told you this. We. My dad used to plow the driveway. We would tie sleds to the back and basically water ski behind the dangerous up and down our. Our long driveway. And then we went. And we would. You can't control where you're going, going. And he'd go around a curve and we would just keep going straight towards the tree. At the last second we'd all yell bail.

[Dave]

Oh yeah, yeah, now I remember. I remember that.

[Ellis]

Sleds would all get tied up around the tree. We'd unwind them, reset them in the middle of the driveway and off we'd go again.

[Dave]

It's fun.

[Ellis]

It was the best time of my life. I had a great father.

[Francis]

Isn't that how we'll do The Kennedys died.

[Dave]

Yeah, the Kennedys are always dying in weird ways like that.

[Francis]

They were like riding behind their dad's track, ME. They got launched at a tree.

[Dave]

Like one of them died in like a like kayaking accident or some. They're always just.

[Ellis]

Well, it's.

[Dave]

The CIA kills them. No one just casually dies like this

[Ellis]

often skied into a tree.

[Dave]

The CIA must hate the Kennedies.

[Francis]

No, I think that they love that. They're like fish in a barrel.

[Dave]

You think they're probably like more of them. Give me 40 years.

[Francis]

Give me 40 years, I'll get them.

[Dave]

They're like, we've been trying to kill them for so long and they just keep coming back.

[Francis]

Oh, you think they're like the nemesis like it in like a Marvel movie? Yeah, they're just unstoppable, dude.

[Dave]

They've killed. I think they. I think the CIA. I read something yesterday, it was like the CIA's killed over 500 Kennedies.

[Francis]

And the Kennedys are just coming in waves. It's like those simulations where it's like 500 Kennedies or 25 Shrek. Storming at each other.

[Dave]

It is crazy though, if you look into it. They're a lot of them have died in weird ass ways.

[Ellis]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dave]

One of them was shot in Houston.

[Francis]

True. True.

[Dave]

Or I guess that was the prep. Yeah, that was jfk.

[Francis]

That was Dallas. Dallas, brother.

[Dave]

Dallas.

[Ellis]

I don't know.

[Dave]

I thought it was in Houston.

[Francis]

You never been to Dallas instead on the X?

[Dave]

I've been to Dallas so many times, and I don't know if I've ever actually been to Dallas. I've been in all of the surrounding areas.

[Francis]

Spread out.

[Ellis]

I'll be in Houston in April. Take it to punch up live. Francis Ellis.

[Dave]

I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Jersey coming up in April. April 10th.

[Ellis]

Nice.

[Dave]

And the 12th? Or. And the 11th?

[Ellis]

I think I'll be at. At in Minneapolis this weekend.

[Francis]

You boys do your taxes yet?

[Dave]

Of course. I handled that before January 1st, brother.

[Ellis]

I haven't. Well, I haven't. I have so many fucking 1099s we get one from every club we perform at.

[Dave]

You want me to put you in touch with my guy?

[Ellis]

Maybe. It might be time.

[Dave]

I don't know. All right, let's end this. All right. Thank you, guys for listening. This has been a great episode. Very fun. It was a long one, but I had a great time, though. We'll see you guys next week. Goodbye

[Ellis]

was over.

[Francis]

Still

[Ellis]

underground.